It’s not like this thing sneaks up on you. Just like last time, you know exactly what you’re in for: Giant frickin’ robots kicking the shit out of each other. Pass the popcorn, honey.

And yet, ten minutes after I started TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, I just wanted this miserable, headache-inducing mess to be over. To my horror, I realized there was another two hours and 20 minutes to go. Sometimes, I suffer for this column. Other times, I proceed straight to ‘bash head against wall.’

There’s no point ripping director Michael Bay here, because he squatted and crapped out just what he promised. And no one pinches an action movie loaf quite like him. He’s competing with himself at this point. Where other action directors might rein it in a bit to let the carnage sink in, Bay dares you to keep up. There isn’t a single minute of the first ‘Transformers’ movie he doesn’t top: From the explosions to the robots to Megan Fox’s cleavage, everything’s bigger. That doesn’t make it a better movie, oh no. Now that he knows people will pack theatres for this crap, Bay sucks on the Hasbro crack pipe and goes full retard. The story is straight out of a coloring book – something about a pissed off Decepticon coming back to Earth once the last Prime is dead. That would be Optimus, and holy shit do I feel like a dork just typing this stuff. Anyways, once our hero bites the big one, the stage is set for a showdown near the Egyptian pyramids. Lots more stuff blows up.

But does Bay stop there? Of course not. There are two ghetto-talking robots that make Jar-Jar look subtle, one that humps Megan Fox’s leg, and one that has - I kid you not - a pair of metallic balls (although that leads to the movie’s funniest line, when John Turturro radios the air force for help: “I am directly below … enemy scrotum”).

In a better world, ‘District 9’ or ‘Up’ would be the biggest movie of the year instead of this. During the Great Depression, the downtrodden made 'Gone With the Wind' the biggest movie in history (and still is, adjusted for inflation). In 2009 – the worst year since – Michael Bay is our savior. Hail to the King, baby.

If WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD isn’t quite the rancid turd ‘Wrong Turn 2’ was, that just means it’s a two-flusher instead three. This year’s victims are a group of prisoners and some corrections officers whose transport bus crashes in inbred hillbilly country. The effects keep getting more cheesy, and the acting is especially atrocious this time around – though the gang at Arrow in the Head might approve of the opening five minutes, when a random nude chick gets an arrow through one of her implants. Fox just keeps embarrassing itself with these straight-to-DVD horror sequels.

After a terrific opening scene, BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE quickly resorts to the incoherent anime mess it’s based on. It’s a movie that assumes you’re already intimately familiar with the story and characters, because it doesn’t bother explaining either. Jeon Ji-hyun stars as a half-vampire assassin out to kill the ancient demon who murdered her father centuries ago. Some nice, splattery fight scenes, but the script is an unforgivable mess with a ‘what the fuh ….?’ ending.

After six years of lesbian lunacy, THE L WORD went out on a bizarre note. The show’s entire final season was structured as a murder mystery, and then left fans hanging in the final friggin’ episode. Are you kidding? Eight episodes of ‘Who Killed Jenny?’ and then … nothing? A limp end to a show which started off pretty great, and re-ignited my high school crush on Jennifer Beals. I didn’t watch ‘Flashdance’ 20 times for the deep dialogue.

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