Edges of Darkness (2009)

Director: Blaine Cade, Jason Horton
Stars: Alonzo F. Jones, Michelle Rose, Jay Costelo

 

Is there a plot?

The undead apocalypse has come and a band of survivors await certain death in their apartment building. This is the incredibly boring stories of three of those survivors.

 

What's the damage?

“So many zombies, so little time.” This tagline, coupled with the slick cover image of a hot girl in short shorts gunning down the undead, made this seem like a great Awfully Good candidate. I sat down, excitedly broke out a six pack, and prepared myself for some cheesy zombie action. What I got instead was a boring drama about random people hanging out in their apartment and talking while the zombies stayed outside.

I’ve seen way too much tentacle porn since I started writing this column.

Let me reiterate: there are barely any zombies in this movie about the zombie apocalypse. “So little zombies, so much time” would’ve been a better tagline. EDGES OF DARKNESS instead focuses on three intertwining stories, each equally pointless and unexciting. There’s a stereotypically black vampire couple who kidnap a young woman to feed on, the zombie hunting chick from the cover who protects a young boy (who may or may not be the Antichrist) from evil priests, and a young husband who discovers his computer’s new CPU is alive and eyeing his wife as a new power source. (That’s right, there’s a killer power cord in this movie!) Now, you notice how none of these stories has anything to do with zombies? It’s like a horror anthology of random suck.

“I hereby call this meeting of the Irritating Collar League open.”

Listen, I can understand the bait and switch tactic with promoting this as an action movie, and I wouldn’t mind a quieter story about the undead rising…so long as it’s interesting and not f*cktarded like EDGES OF DARKNESS is. It has the look and feel of a bad student film, complete with a crap script and unbelievably bad acting. The only interesting idea in the movie is the notion that the vampires keep the human girl alive as a pet and draw her blood daily as a replenishable source of food. That notion is explored for about two minutes before the black vampire dude begins predictably freaking out that the girl is on her period. And then she turns in to a succubus or some stupid plot twist I can barely remember.

Phil was quick to correct others regarding his sexual preferences when it comes to creatures of the Arctic.

There are a couple spots of decent gore and unintentional hilarity, but it’s in no way worth watching this movie. If you want a better Awfully Good zombie movie, check out BURIAL GROUND or ZOMBIE STRIPPERS.

"Best" Line

It was a close tie between this and “I don’t sleep. I’m bipolar!” but this one wins. Mainly because it involves violence and children.

 

"Best" Parts

1) Three of the few scenes that actually have gore, including a bowling ball to the head, a neck that breaks too easily, and a woman who really, really want to make sure a girl is dead.

 

2) This is the caliber of drama and dialogue you can expect in EDGES OF DARKNESS. “There’s motherf*cking arm bones in the yard! Sh*t!”

 

Nudity Watch

A girl showers in her underwear, but not in a fun way

 

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Make zombies boring Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• There’s actually a zombie or some gore on screen
• The black guy says "motherf*cking" or something stereotypical
• “New power source found”

Triple shot when:

• There’s a horrible dance sequence

 

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

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