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Strike Back Below!

Whatever brain cells the ‘Transformers’ sequel didn’t kill this summer, G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA was there to mop up. Just like its Hasbro sibling, it’s an exhausting, obscenely stupid toy commercial that tries to pummel the pessimism out of you.

And under the right circumstances, it works. Those circumstances being, expect the absolute worst. Worse than ‘The Mummy’, ‘Van Helsing’ or anything else director Stephen Sommers has done. Brace for rock bottom, and these two hours won’t entirely suck. Mind you, this was still one of the worst movies of summer, but you can (and did) see far worse.

Having ended relations with G.I. Joe when I was five (the dude bored me, what can I say), I have no idea how close or faithful this is to the comics, books or endless cartoons it spawned. I do recall he used to be a bearded dude in army khakis. Now, G.I. Joe is the name of an elite strike force battling bad guys named Cobra. The movie crams a shitload of backstory into the first hour before letting the carnage fly, and despite the CGI overload, a few scenes are worth the wait. There’s a chase scene in France that’s about the coolest thing Sommers has ever done (slim pickings, I realize), and I can’t help but love bad guys who have an evil underwater lair. I mean, how hard must that be to build? How does no one notice an entire fortress being constructed in the ocean?

A more pressing question: Is Channing Tatum for real? Is he acting this awful on purpose? He somehow makes co-stars Sienna Miller and Marlon Wayans look like Oscar contenders with his line delivery, and while decent acting is a lot to ask for in a ‘G.I. Joe’ movie, at least emote better than the guy who plays the mute Snake Eyes. That would be Ray Park, who is completely covered in a black body suit and doesn’t have a single line of dialogue.

Ten years after Darth Maul, the dude still rocks. He helps make this the most watchable bad movie of 2009.

Until they stop making them, every coming-of-age teen comedy is going to get compared to ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.’ I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER doesn’t fight it – in fact, in a nice bit of casting, it has Alan Ruck as the dad, bringing everything full circle. It’s too bad everything else sucks balls like a porn audition, having us believe Hayden Panettiere – aka, the world’s hottest dwarf – would fall for valedictorian geek Paul Rusk after he publicly declares his love for her on graduation day. Director Chris Columbus used to make Home Alone and Harry Potter movies … this is a pretty steep drop.

Even before it was over, THE SHIELD made its case as the best cop show ever. Then came its final episode – one of the most brilliant and satisfying finales I’ve seen – and it pushed this among TV’s all-time greats, period. Michael Chiklis is never less than amazing through seven unforgettable seasons, gathered in this leatherbound, 29-disc collection. The bonus stuff isn’t mindblowing for such a landmark show – a featurette on the police scandal that inspired the story, and a look back on the set – but these 88 episodes are essential viewing. Chalk this up as one sweet-ass Christmas gift.

It was almost painful to ponder director Tony Scott’s unbearable, rapid-fire editing (I can’t stomach more than ten minutes of ‘Domino’) soiling a remake of the methodical ‘70s thriller THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123. Thankfully, he tones it down, and Denzel Washington continues to save movies that don’t deserve him. Beyond that, John Travolta wears thin as the hijacker, and the movie doesn’t improve a single thing upon the Robert Shaw/Walter Matthau original. The addition of high-tech gadgets isn’t an excuse to remake something.

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