yorrick brown
10-08-2007, 05:52 PM
Review - SPOILERS ON THE PROWL BELOW
Following a bloody flashback, THE WOLF MAN begins in LONDON 1888 where 30-something thespian LAWRENCE TALBOT is chewing the gas-lit scenery as Shakespeare’s Great Dane HAMLET, doing the famous “To Be Or Something Something Something“ speech. Anyway, it’s real famous. You’ll know it when you hear it.
Backstage after the play, LAWRENCE is making his own play for TAWDRY COCKNEY LADY (boy, I don’t know about you but I can smell her from here) when he is nearly Cockney-blocked by the lovely and recently bathed GWEN CONLIFFE- his brother BENJAMIN’s fiancé. LAWRENCE hasn’t seen BENJAMIN in a heck of a lot of years, and GWEN reports, that, Heavens to Murgatroyd, BENJAMIN has disappeared.
GWEN has come from his family estate and she implores LAWRENCE to come home to his father. It’s been twenty years since he left for The Big Smoke (that’s what they used to call London), sure and there’s bad blood between them-what with his mother committing suicide in the flashback that I didn’t mention-sorry, my bad.
PAWS SPOLIERS
When it was announced that Benicio Del Toro was signed to play the title role in THE WOLF MAN, the mutual nodding of heads in ascent throughout the film industry was later revealed to register .037 on the Richter scale, according to the boys and girls in the white coats at Caltech.
Why?
Because Benicio Del Toro looks like THE WOLFMAN-check out this month’s Esquire Magazine (October 2007) cover if you don’t believe me and I have a problem with this. I think Del Toro is a very talented actor and a really scary guy (see him as JACKIE BOY in SIN CITY if you need proof), but I want my Lawrence Talbot to be as normal looking and as bland as Michael Landon.
Story 2
When I got to The Gassy Walrus and saw my dog Mayhew, I had to do a triple take just to make sure I was seeing what I thought I saw.
Mayhew, a golden retriever was standing on his hind legs at the bar, a pint of Guinness in one paw, his other paw wrapping ‘round the waist of an attractive girl in a red polka dot dress.
“Can I buy you bowl of water?” I overheard him saying in a deep doggy baritone.
“Gee, I don’t know mister,” the girl said, removing his hand, I mean paw, from around her waist.
Mayhew laughed and leaned into her. “Then I guess sniffing your butt is out of the question!’
The girl, a really pretty doll faced brunette, stepped away from Mayhew and slapped him hard on top of his nose with her purse. “Bad dog!” she exclaimed and sauntered away.
Mayhew threw his beer roughly on the floor, shattering the glass with a loud KKKRASSHHH!
“Bitch!” he said loudly.
I couldn’t wait any longer.
“Come on Mayhew,” I said hotly, grabbing his collar.” Let’s go home!”
“Okay people nothing to see here, ” I quoted. “Jedi business. Go back to your drinks.”
Review - PLAYS WELL WITH SPOILERS
Anyway, LAWRENCE, after serious consideration and bedding the TAWDRY COCKNEY LADY, goes home through BLACKMOOR VILLAGE, passing dark misty MOORS, ancient STONE MONOLITHS and further on, a GYPSY ENCAMPMENT of TENTS, WAGONS and a STARBUCKS COFFEE SHOP (okay, I’m kidding here-it’s really more of a kiosk than an actual shop)!
LAWRENCE arrives home to the once great now decrepit TALBOT HALL and has an awkward reunion with his father, the once great now decrepit SIR JOHN TALBOT. It’s awkward because it’s been twenty years since the last time they spoke, and because SIR JOHN keeps asking him about the time he played DUKE THE DOG-FACED BOY in BIG TOP PEE-WEE.
The plot kicking in interrupts their strained conversation and LAWRENCE, SIR JOHN and GWEN mount up and ride to BLACKMOOR VILLAGE, where CARMILLA-A PREGNANT GYPSY has been imprisoned since before the beginning of the movie. Her crime? Apparently she did the wild thing with someone other than her husband and he hauled her off to jail for it. The main suspect is the missing BENJAMIN TALBOT, but she’s not talking.
Following all of this Nineteenth century version of The Jerry Springer Show there’s a fair amount of political intrigue as various members of the town talk about what is to be done about the pregnant woman. These scenes introduce several characters like MAGISTRATE STRICKLAND (who tells LAWRENCE he’s “ a real slacker “), PASTOR FISK, CONSTABLE NYE. These moments do double duty, illustrating the politics of BLACKMOOR VILLAGE and showing the audience what’s going to be on the menu later on- if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Story 3
By the time we got through the astounded crowd, Mayhew was back to his old, four-leggy-walking, doggy self. He immediately fell asleep in the car and when we got home I carried him upstairs to his bed.
I knew exactly who to call.
I rang up my English friend Rupert. It was midnight-thirty, but he was 8 hours ahead so my phone call wasn’t being too obnoxious.
“He was doing what?” Rupert asked. The connection was so good I swear I could hear him pushing his glasses up his nose.
I explained what I saw.
“Uh hum.” I could hear him rifling through papers now. “Was your dog recently bitten?”
“Yeah- a few months back,” I muttered. “We were camping.”
“Do you have any of the papers from the Veterinarian visit? “ he asked politely.
I looked in our file drawers. Lessee, V- Vacation, Vaccination, Vatican, Veteran’s Association, “ Here it is,“ I said, “Veterinarian. Uh. Give me a minute.”
Review - RUNNING WITH SPOILERS
The townsfolk decide they’re sick and tired of being puppy chow every full moon and decide to do something about it.
Meanwhile, GWEN and LAWRENCE become closer (oh keep your clothes on-they certainly do) and have a weird run in with the Gypsy OLD MALEVA. Later, In the Jailhouse, CARMILLA the pregnant Gypsy has poisoned herself dead and that night, THE WEREWOLF strikes. I’m happy to report the Werewolf in this movie is a standing erect biped. Not only does it make more physiological sense to me, but also, from a design standpoint two-legged Werewolves are much cooler. (See Joe Dante’s 1981 classic THE HOWLING for some awesome Werewolves, stop-motion animated by Dave Allen to see what I mean.)
Additionally, in my opinion, make-up god Rick Baker who is doing the fur and fangs for this WOLF MAN, has never been able to successfully been able to pull off the four-legged critters that follow his groundbreaking transformation scenes (see 1981’s AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON and 1994’s WOLF for further details).
The TOWNIES vs. the WEREWOLF adventures go on for a number of pages and the WEREWOLF’s HUMAN FORM is revealed. I ain’t saying who it is, but LAWRENCE is nearly fatally attacked and sent to LONDON to recuperate.
Unfortunately, he is shipped to a LONDON SANITARIUM where he’s put under observation. After all, he has some serious issues: His mother killed herself, is brother is missing, his father is nuts and now that he’s been bitten by a bitten by a “Werewolf”, he claims he’s going to turn into one himself.
Oh yes. Thank goodness he’s safe and sound and all that Lycanthropy nonsense is all in his head.
Of course, he does turn into a raving WOLF MAN in a really magnificent transformation scene that I really want to see and begins an eleven-page assault on the city of LONDON. The killings began as mostly shown off-screen but became more and more bloody as I turned the pages. There is a bit of nonsense involving a guy the script calls JACK that lightens things up, but by the time WOLF LAWRENCE quits his nocturnal rampage of carnage, I “ felt oddly full”. It seemed as though the producer was looking over the writer’s shoulder and was screaming- “c’mon, more violence-we need more CGI here.” Despite my misgivings, here’s the opportunity to see a fully realized version of Victorian LONDON, like Peter Jackson New York City in KING KONG. Let’s hope the director thinks so too.
Story 4
“Is there anything odd about the Vet’s bill?” Rupert inquired.
“Oh. This is strange, “I read.” There’s an item listing for a Larouparistas shot-which is crossed out. Then there’s a Question mark next to it in red pen and a note: None in stock.” Laroopawhosits?” I asked incredulously.
“Larouparistas,” he chuckled. “It’s the brand name of the Wolfsbane medication.”
“Wolfsbane?” I asked. I was upset.” This is the twenty-first century. What the hell is that for?”
He breathed out heavily.” Lycanthropy. Werewolfism-if there is such a proper word.”
“But he’s not a Man. He’s a dog, Rupert. You know, bark bark, chases cats, licks his own, you know,” I protested.
“Yes yes,” he interrupted, “So if he was bitten by a true Werewolf during a full moon-“
“It was a full moon that night, “it was my turn to interrupt. “I remember I was watering this tree….“
“Oh right, so if a man is bitten by a Werewolf, he will become a Werewolf-not quite man and not quite wolf. If a man that is a werewolf bites a dog, it will turn into a being that is not quite dog and not quite man. You have a MANWOLF on your hands. For the next few nights, anyway.”
Wow. Only Rupert could exposition like that and make it sound plausible.
“Thanks RG, ” I said. “Give my best to Dawnie and the rest.”
I hung up, fell onto the sofa, rubbed my eyes and looked around. With any thoughts of sleep long gone, I dug my hands into the tower of unread scripts on the coffee table and pulled free, of all things, THE WOLF MAN
“Thanks a lot” I said to no one in particular and began to read.
Review - ONCE MORE WITH SPOILERS
The next morning, LAWRENCE seeks out GWEN after he finds some clothing. (I would’ve done it the other way around, but that’s just me.) He informs her he must return home and end the LUNAR LEGACY OF LYCANTHROPY that is a plague on TALBOT HALL and once again rides, rides like the wind, to be free again.
An EPIC BATTLE of THE WOLFMEN ensues back home and GWEN, following from a distance, sees the ending of the horrible curse.
Good reader, as I Evelyn Wooded my way to the end of the script, I kept thinking to myself that there had to be a good set up for a SEQUEL at the end of the movie. I mean, come on, this is a UNIVERSAL PICTURES MONSTER MOVIE so there had to be an opening for another movie. I’m very happy to announce that yes, thank goodness there is an “open ending” to the flick that made me say “Ohhhh Cooool!” out loud right after I read it. So, me thinks this is going to be a very howlingly good movie and audiences will get goose bumps at the end, just like I did.
And, speaking of the script, it wasn’t until after I read the script that I learned who wrote the sucker (or biter would be more accurate), because my copy didn’t have a title page.
THE WOLF MAN 2007 was written by KEVIN ANDREW WALKER, the guy that wrote SE7EN, SLEEPY HOLLOW and was also the SLEEPY NEIGHBOR in David Fincher’s PANIC ROOM. If you can imagine me, Mr. E, channeling the late great Chris Farley for a moment, I just want to say “Holy Schnike!” and “Awesome!”
Thank you. I feel much better now.
THE WOLF MAN rates a FRANKENSTEIN out of a possible THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN or 8 stars out of 10
THE WOLF MAN by Kevin Andrew Walker No date
Following a bloody flashback, THE WOLF MAN begins in LONDON 1888 where 30-something thespian LAWRENCE TALBOT is chewing the gas-lit scenery as Shakespeare’s Great Dane HAMLET, doing the famous “To Be Or Something Something Something“ speech. Anyway, it’s real famous. You’ll know it when you hear it.
Backstage after the play, LAWRENCE is making his own play for TAWDRY COCKNEY LADY (boy, I don’t know about you but I can smell her from here) when he is nearly Cockney-blocked by the lovely and recently bathed GWEN CONLIFFE- his brother BENJAMIN’s fiancé. LAWRENCE hasn’t seen BENJAMIN in a heck of a lot of years, and GWEN reports, that, Heavens to Murgatroyd, BENJAMIN has disappeared.
GWEN has come from his family estate and she implores LAWRENCE to come home to his father. It’s been twenty years since he left for The Big Smoke (that’s what they used to call London), sure and there’s bad blood between them-what with his mother committing suicide in the flashback that I didn’t mention-sorry, my bad.
PAWS SPOLIERS
When it was announced that Benicio Del Toro was signed to play the title role in THE WOLF MAN, the mutual nodding of heads in ascent throughout the film industry was later revealed to register .037 on the Richter scale, according to the boys and girls in the white coats at Caltech.
Why?
Because Benicio Del Toro looks like THE WOLFMAN-check out this month’s Esquire Magazine (October 2007) cover if you don’t believe me and I have a problem with this. I think Del Toro is a very talented actor and a really scary guy (see him as JACKIE BOY in SIN CITY if you need proof), but I want my Lawrence Talbot to be as normal looking and as bland as Michael Landon.
Story 2
When I got to The Gassy Walrus and saw my dog Mayhew, I had to do a triple take just to make sure I was seeing what I thought I saw.
Mayhew, a golden retriever was standing on his hind legs at the bar, a pint of Guinness in one paw, his other paw wrapping ‘round the waist of an attractive girl in a red polka dot dress.
“Can I buy you bowl of water?” I overheard him saying in a deep doggy baritone.
“Gee, I don’t know mister,” the girl said, removing his hand, I mean paw, from around her waist.
Mayhew laughed and leaned into her. “Then I guess sniffing your butt is out of the question!’
The girl, a really pretty doll faced brunette, stepped away from Mayhew and slapped him hard on top of his nose with her purse. “Bad dog!” she exclaimed and sauntered away.
Mayhew threw his beer roughly on the floor, shattering the glass with a loud KKKRASSHHH!
“Bitch!” he said loudly.
I couldn’t wait any longer.
“Come on Mayhew,” I said hotly, grabbing his collar.” Let’s go home!”
“Okay people nothing to see here, ” I quoted. “Jedi business. Go back to your drinks.”
Review - PLAYS WELL WITH SPOILERS
Anyway, LAWRENCE, after serious consideration and bedding the TAWDRY COCKNEY LADY, goes home through BLACKMOOR VILLAGE, passing dark misty MOORS, ancient STONE MONOLITHS and further on, a GYPSY ENCAMPMENT of TENTS, WAGONS and a STARBUCKS COFFEE SHOP (okay, I’m kidding here-it’s really more of a kiosk than an actual shop)!
LAWRENCE arrives home to the once great now decrepit TALBOT HALL and has an awkward reunion with his father, the once great now decrepit SIR JOHN TALBOT. It’s awkward because it’s been twenty years since the last time they spoke, and because SIR JOHN keeps asking him about the time he played DUKE THE DOG-FACED BOY in BIG TOP PEE-WEE.
The plot kicking in interrupts their strained conversation and LAWRENCE, SIR JOHN and GWEN mount up and ride to BLACKMOOR VILLAGE, where CARMILLA-A PREGNANT GYPSY has been imprisoned since before the beginning of the movie. Her crime? Apparently she did the wild thing with someone other than her husband and he hauled her off to jail for it. The main suspect is the missing BENJAMIN TALBOT, but she’s not talking.
Following all of this Nineteenth century version of The Jerry Springer Show there’s a fair amount of political intrigue as various members of the town talk about what is to be done about the pregnant woman. These scenes introduce several characters like MAGISTRATE STRICKLAND (who tells LAWRENCE he’s “ a real slacker “), PASTOR FISK, CONSTABLE NYE. These moments do double duty, illustrating the politics of BLACKMOOR VILLAGE and showing the audience what’s going to be on the menu later on- if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Story 3
By the time we got through the astounded crowd, Mayhew was back to his old, four-leggy-walking, doggy self. He immediately fell asleep in the car and when we got home I carried him upstairs to his bed.
I knew exactly who to call.
I rang up my English friend Rupert. It was midnight-thirty, but he was 8 hours ahead so my phone call wasn’t being too obnoxious.
“He was doing what?” Rupert asked. The connection was so good I swear I could hear him pushing his glasses up his nose.
I explained what I saw.
“Uh hum.” I could hear him rifling through papers now. “Was your dog recently bitten?”
“Yeah- a few months back,” I muttered. “We were camping.”
“Do you have any of the papers from the Veterinarian visit? “ he asked politely.
I looked in our file drawers. Lessee, V- Vacation, Vaccination, Vatican, Veteran’s Association, “ Here it is,“ I said, “Veterinarian. Uh. Give me a minute.”
Review - RUNNING WITH SPOILERS
The townsfolk decide they’re sick and tired of being puppy chow every full moon and decide to do something about it.
Meanwhile, GWEN and LAWRENCE become closer (oh keep your clothes on-they certainly do) and have a weird run in with the Gypsy OLD MALEVA. Later, In the Jailhouse, CARMILLA the pregnant Gypsy has poisoned herself dead and that night, THE WEREWOLF strikes. I’m happy to report the Werewolf in this movie is a standing erect biped. Not only does it make more physiological sense to me, but also, from a design standpoint two-legged Werewolves are much cooler. (See Joe Dante’s 1981 classic THE HOWLING for some awesome Werewolves, stop-motion animated by Dave Allen to see what I mean.)
Additionally, in my opinion, make-up god Rick Baker who is doing the fur and fangs for this WOLF MAN, has never been able to successfully been able to pull off the four-legged critters that follow his groundbreaking transformation scenes (see 1981’s AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON and 1994’s WOLF for further details).
The TOWNIES vs. the WEREWOLF adventures go on for a number of pages and the WEREWOLF’s HUMAN FORM is revealed. I ain’t saying who it is, but LAWRENCE is nearly fatally attacked and sent to LONDON to recuperate.
Unfortunately, he is shipped to a LONDON SANITARIUM where he’s put under observation. After all, he has some serious issues: His mother killed herself, is brother is missing, his father is nuts and now that he’s been bitten by a bitten by a “Werewolf”, he claims he’s going to turn into one himself.
Oh yes. Thank goodness he’s safe and sound and all that Lycanthropy nonsense is all in his head.
Of course, he does turn into a raving WOLF MAN in a really magnificent transformation scene that I really want to see and begins an eleven-page assault on the city of LONDON. The killings began as mostly shown off-screen but became more and more bloody as I turned the pages. There is a bit of nonsense involving a guy the script calls JACK that lightens things up, but by the time WOLF LAWRENCE quits his nocturnal rampage of carnage, I “ felt oddly full”. It seemed as though the producer was looking over the writer’s shoulder and was screaming- “c’mon, more violence-we need more CGI here.” Despite my misgivings, here’s the opportunity to see a fully realized version of Victorian LONDON, like Peter Jackson New York City in KING KONG. Let’s hope the director thinks so too.
Story 4
“Is there anything odd about the Vet’s bill?” Rupert inquired.
“Oh. This is strange, “I read.” There’s an item listing for a Larouparistas shot-which is crossed out. Then there’s a Question mark next to it in red pen and a note: None in stock.” Laroopawhosits?” I asked incredulously.
“Larouparistas,” he chuckled. “It’s the brand name of the Wolfsbane medication.”
“Wolfsbane?” I asked. I was upset.” This is the twenty-first century. What the hell is that for?”
He breathed out heavily.” Lycanthropy. Werewolfism-if there is such a proper word.”
“But he’s not a Man. He’s a dog, Rupert. You know, bark bark, chases cats, licks his own, you know,” I protested.
“Yes yes,” he interrupted, “So if he was bitten by a true Werewolf during a full moon-“
“It was a full moon that night, “it was my turn to interrupt. “I remember I was watering this tree….“
“Oh right, so if a man is bitten by a Werewolf, he will become a Werewolf-not quite man and not quite wolf. If a man that is a werewolf bites a dog, it will turn into a being that is not quite dog and not quite man. You have a MANWOLF on your hands. For the next few nights, anyway.”
Wow. Only Rupert could exposition like that and make it sound plausible.
“Thanks RG, ” I said. “Give my best to Dawnie and the rest.”
I hung up, fell onto the sofa, rubbed my eyes and looked around. With any thoughts of sleep long gone, I dug my hands into the tower of unread scripts on the coffee table and pulled free, of all things, THE WOLF MAN
“Thanks a lot” I said to no one in particular and began to read.
Review - ONCE MORE WITH SPOILERS
The next morning, LAWRENCE seeks out GWEN after he finds some clothing. (I would’ve done it the other way around, but that’s just me.) He informs her he must return home and end the LUNAR LEGACY OF LYCANTHROPY that is a plague on TALBOT HALL and once again rides, rides like the wind, to be free again.
An EPIC BATTLE of THE WOLFMEN ensues back home and GWEN, following from a distance, sees the ending of the horrible curse.
Good reader, as I Evelyn Wooded my way to the end of the script, I kept thinking to myself that there had to be a good set up for a SEQUEL at the end of the movie. I mean, come on, this is a UNIVERSAL PICTURES MONSTER MOVIE so there had to be an opening for another movie. I’m very happy to announce that yes, thank goodness there is an “open ending” to the flick that made me say “Ohhhh Cooool!” out loud right after I read it. So, me thinks this is going to be a very howlingly good movie and audiences will get goose bumps at the end, just like I did.
And, speaking of the script, it wasn’t until after I read the script that I learned who wrote the sucker (or biter would be more accurate), because my copy didn’t have a title page.
THE WOLF MAN 2007 was written by KEVIN ANDREW WALKER, the guy that wrote SE7EN, SLEEPY HOLLOW and was also the SLEEPY NEIGHBOR in David Fincher’s PANIC ROOM. If you can imagine me, Mr. E, channeling the late great Chris Farley for a moment, I just want to say “Holy Schnike!” and “Awesome!”
Thank you. I feel much better now.
THE WOLF MAN rates a FRANKENSTEIN out of a possible THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN or 8 stars out of 10
THE WOLF MAN by Kevin Andrew Walker No date