Dragula
11-20-2007, 03:52 PM
25. Meet Joe Black (1998)
Alas, the grim reaper does not take a vacation in this remake of 1931's 'Death Takes a Holiday'; instead, he sucks the life out of the whole painfully long three-hour film. Brad Pitt has never been more wooden, the dialogue is cheesy and the movie peaks 15 minutes in when Pitt gets run over by a truck.
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24. Alfie (2004)
Despite having Jude Law in the title role, original music by Mick Jagger and an extended topless scene featuring Sienna Miller, this is but a hollow, cynical shell of the charming 1966 original, which starred Michael Caine and earned five Oscar nominations. If only they gave Oscars for Best Topless Scene.
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23. The Ladykillers (2004)
Coming off their first miss ('Intolerable Cruelty') after nine straight hits, the Coen brothers looked like they would rebound nicely when they enlisted Tom Hanks to play an eccentric schemer in a remake of the 1955 crime comedy. But Hanks is obnoxious and over the top, and so is the movie.
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22. The Truth About Charlie (2002)
Thandie Newton (as a widow), Mark Wahlberg (as a dashing stranger) and Jonathan Demme (as a once-hot director) couldn't hope to better the 1963 Hepburn-Grant thriller 'Charade,' but this yawner wasn't even close. Maybe, fooled by the lame title, they all thought they were in a Lifetime movie instead
----------------
21. Poseidon (2006)
Even Wolfgang Petersen, the man behind aquatic epics 'Das Boot' and 'The Perfect Storm,' couldn't keep this oceanic epic afloat. A remake of 1972's 'Poseidon Adventure,' it has A-list special effects, a B-list cast (Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell) and enough D-list cheesiness to sink 10 cruise ships.
----------------
20. Planet of the Apes (2001)
Tim Burton seemed the perfect man to remake the 1968 sci-fi camp classic about a world where apes enslave men. But his rehash takes itself way too seriously and ditches the iconic original ending. (No Statue of Liberty shot?! Really?) As a result, it's the cinematic equivalent of monkey feces.
----------------
19. The Pink Panther (2006)
Oh, Steve Martin, we've never been so disappointed in you. Not only do you star in this unfunny mess based on Peter Sellers' 1963 caper classic, but you're credited with co-writing. And by the way, you were robbed ... of that Razzie for Worst Remake or Rip-Off you were up for. Curse you, 'Little Man.'
----------------
18. City of Angels (1998)
Wim Wenders' 1987 'Wings of Desire' was about angels who observe and love humans. For "angels" substitute "Nicolas Cage as a creepy dead guy in a trenchcoat," for "observe ..." substitute "stalks Meg Ryan," and you've got this travesty of the transcendent original. Sometimes the dead should just stay dead.
----------------
17. Down to Earth (2001)
Reconfiguring 'Heaven Can Wait' with Chris Rock assuming Warren Beatty's role, this time as an underground comic given another shot at life as a white wealthy stiff? Sounded like fish-out-of-water comedy gold. Instead it was as lifeless and stinky as, well, a fish out of water.
----------------
16. House of Wax (2006)
Paris Hilton's death scene -- in which the cleavage-sporting heiress is dispatched gruesomely (and hilariously) by a deranged redneck intent on filling a wax museum with corpses -- almost makes up for the horrendous plot, poor acting and lack of chills in this remake of the 1953 film of the same name ... almost.
----------------
15. The Stepford Wives (2004)
We're not really sure what happened here: The '75 original was a neat little thriller; this star-studded remake came out some hodgepodge of comedy, satire and horror. Note to Nicole Kidman: Back away from the remakes ('Bewitched' might have made our list, too, if it were a movie redo).
----------------
14. The Ring II (2005)
Whereas the first 'Ring' film pulled off an unbelievable feat and actually bested the J-horror film 'Ringu' upon which it was based (even more impressive considering it's about a VHS tape that kills you), its follow-up (based on 'Ringu 2') was about as scary (and funny) as an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond.'
----------------
13. All The Kings Men (2006)
We're not at all surprised that Sean Penn would have the cojones to take on an Oscar-winning role (Broderick Crawford won Best Actor for the '49 original); what shocked us was how completely and utterly this chockful-of-acting-heavyweights version failed to impress us.
----------------
12. The Hitcher (2006)
The 1986 original is a cult classic, just pure suspense from beginning to end. Rutger Hauer is terrifying as a psychopath chasing a couple who're in the wrong place at the wrong time. When something is this good, why chance a remake? You'll just end up on a list like this.
----------------
11. 101 Dalmations
There's one great thing about this live-action version of the beloved 1961 animated original, and that's Glenn Close, brilliantly cast as the snarling Cruella De Vil. But that leaves 100 reasons NOT to see this unfunny, uninspired, un-cute remake. Who let these dogs out? Do us a favor ... put 'em back in.
----------------
10. Godzilla (1998)
Hmm ... Matthew Broderick stars in two of our worst remake designees. And this one is a remake of a remake (the '54 version with Raymond Burr is a redo of the original all-Japanese-cast monster mash). This big, American version just takes itself too seriously.
----------------
9. The Island of Dr.Moreau (1996)
He had two Oscars, but Marlon Brando was surely prouder of the Worst Supporting Actor Razzie he won (at age 72) for donning sunglasses, white makeup and red lipstick to play genetic-mutant maestro Dr. Moreau. It was the third version of H.G. Wells' novel, the strangest and the worst. The horror! The horror!
----------------
8. The Out-Of-Towners (1999)
When you have a Neil Simon script, as the 1970 Jack Lemmon-starring original did, why mess with that? Shame on you, Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn. You're both old enough to have seen the original ... in the theater. You must've known this update was unnecessary.
----------------
7. Get Carter (2000)
The 1971 original is one of the best gangster flicks ever made, thanks to its quotable dialogue, soulless antihero (Michael Caine) and unapologetic violence. The remake, which stars Sylvester Stallone and features a completely new (and decidedly unimproved) ending, is a humorless bore by comparison.
----------------
6. When A Stranger Calls (2006)
"The call ... It's coming from inside the house!" That line from the '79 original is scarier than anything in this remake, which scored a whopping 10 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and features young, pretty people looking vacant. Forget the murderer -- this film commits the far greater crime of boring us to death.
----------------
5. Swept Away (2002)
This unnatural disaster -- based on the 1974 Italian film 'Swept Away ... by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August' -- won five Razzies (including Worst Picture and Worst Remake), went straight to DVD in the U.K., and made Madonna swear she'd never act again. Saaay, maybe something good DID come of it, after all.
----------------
4. The Wicker Man (2006)
The original 1974 'Wicker Man' is considered one of the best, scariest British films ever. The Nicolas Cage update, however, is so un-scary that it's quite literally hilarious: Its numerous scenes of Cage beating up (and being beaten up by) women make it one of the most underrated unintentional comedies of our time.
----------------
3. The Fog (2005)
John Carpenter's 1980 version paid homage to horror film classics just in its roster of stars (Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh, Adrienne Barbeau); the 2005 remake paid homage to teenybopper TV with its cast (Tom Welling, Maggie Grace). You do the math.
----------------
2. Rollerball (2002)
We could go on forever about how this flick about a life-threatening roller-sport is utterly ridiculous and lacks the social and political commentary of the dystopian 1975 sci-fi thriller upon which it's based. Instead, we'll just quote star L.L. Cool J, who simply told Conan O'Brien that it "sucked."
----------------
1. Psycho (1998)
Why, Gus? Why? We don't know what lunacy prompted Gus Van Sant to attempt to re-create Hitchcock's 1960 masterpiece by mimicking every shot, yet leaving out the suspense and excitement (not to mention miscasting genial Vince Vaughn as the deranged Bates). File this bit of suckage under "P" ... for pointless.
----------------
I'm really surpsied Rob Zombie's Halloween didn't make the list. Everyone hates that movie. I mean I liked it but most people hate it.
Alas, the grim reaper does not take a vacation in this remake of 1931's 'Death Takes a Holiday'; instead, he sucks the life out of the whole painfully long three-hour film. Brad Pitt has never been more wooden, the dialogue is cheesy and the movie peaks 15 minutes in when Pitt gets run over by a truck.
----------------
24. Alfie (2004)
Despite having Jude Law in the title role, original music by Mick Jagger and an extended topless scene featuring Sienna Miller, this is but a hollow, cynical shell of the charming 1966 original, which starred Michael Caine and earned five Oscar nominations. If only they gave Oscars for Best Topless Scene.
----------------
23. The Ladykillers (2004)
Coming off their first miss ('Intolerable Cruelty') after nine straight hits, the Coen brothers looked like they would rebound nicely when they enlisted Tom Hanks to play an eccentric schemer in a remake of the 1955 crime comedy. But Hanks is obnoxious and over the top, and so is the movie.
----------------
22. The Truth About Charlie (2002)
Thandie Newton (as a widow), Mark Wahlberg (as a dashing stranger) and Jonathan Demme (as a once-hot director) couldn't hope to better the 1963 Hepburn-Grant thriller 'Charade,' but this yawner wasn't even close. Maybe, fooled by the lame title, they all thought they were in a Lifetime movie instead
----------------
21. Poseidon (2006)
Even Wolfgang Petersen, the man behind aquatic epics 'Das Boot' and 'The Perfect Storm,' couldn't keep this oceanic epic afloat. A remake of 1972's 'Poseidon Adventure,' it has A-list special effects, a B-list cast (Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell) and enough D-list cheesiness to sink 10 cruise ships.
----------------
20. Planet of the Apes (2001)
Tim Burton seemed the perfect man to remake the 1968 sci-fi camp classic about a world where apes enslave men. But his rehash takes itself way too seriously and ditches the iconic original ending. (No Statue of Liberty shot?! Really?) As a result, it's the cinematic equivalent of monkey feces.
----------------
19. The Pink Panther (2006)
Oh, Steve Martin, we've never been so disappointed in you. Not only do you star in this unfunny mess based on Peter Sellers' 1963 caper classic, but you're credited with co-writing. And by the way, you were robbed ... of that Razzie for Worst Remake or Rip-Off you were up for. Curse you, 'Little Man.'
----------------
18. City of Angels (1998)
Wim Wenders' 1987 'Wings of Desire' was about angels who observe and love humans. For "angels" substitute "Nicolas Cage as a creepy dead guy in a trenchcoat," for "observe ..." substitute "stalks Meg Ryan," and you've got this travesty of the transcendent original. Sometimes the dead should just stay dead.
----------------
17. Down to Earth (2001)
Reconfiguring 'Heaven Can Wait' with Chris Rock assuming Warren Beatty's role, this time as an underground comic given another shot at life as a white wealthy stiff? Sounded like fish-out-of-water comedy gold. Instead it was as lifeless and stinky as, well, a fish out of water.
----------------
16. House of Wax (2006)
Paris Hilton's death scene -- in which the cleavage-sporting heiress is dispatched gruesomely (and hilariously) by a deranged redneck intent on filling a wax museum with corpses -- almost makes up for the horrendous plot, poor acting and lack of chills in this remake of the 1953 film of the same name ... almost.
----------------
15. The Stepford Wives (2004)
We're not really sure what happened here: The '75 original was a neat little thriller; this star-studded remake came out some hodgepodge of comedy, satire and horror. Note to Nicole Kidman: Back away from the remakes ('Bewitched' might have made our list, too, if it were a movie redo).
----------------
14. The Ring II (2005)
Whereas the first 'Ring' film pulled off an unbelievable feat and actually bested the J-horror film 'Ringu' upon which it was based (even more impressive considering it's about a VHS tape that kills you), its follow-up (based on 'Ringu 2') was about as scary (and funny) as an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond.'
----------------
13. All The Kings Men (2006)
We're not at all surprised that Sean Penn would have the cojones to take on an Oscar-winning role (Broderick Crawford won Best Actor for the '49 original); what shocked us was how completely and utterly this chockful-of-acting-heavyweights version failed to impress us.
----------------
12. The Hitcher (2006)
The 1986 original is a cult classic, just pure suspense from beginning to end. Rutger Hauer is terrifying as a psychopath chasing a couple who're in the wrong place at the wrong time. When something is this good, why chance a remake? You'll just end up on a list like this.
----------------
11. 101 Dalmations
There's one great thing about this live-action version of the beloved 1961 animated original, and that's Glenn Close, brilliantly cast as the snarling Cruella De Vil. But that leaves 100 reasons NOT to see this unfunny, uninspired, un-cute remake. Who let these dogs out? Do us a favor ... put 'em back in.
----------------
10. Godzilla (1998)
Hmm ... Matthew Broderick stars in two of our worst remake designees. And this one is a remake of a remake (the '54 version with Raymond Burr is a redo of the original all-Japanese-cast monster mash). This big, American version just takes itself too seriously.
----------------
9. The Island of Dr.Moreau (1996)
He had two Oscars, but Marlon Brando was surely prouder of the Worst Supporting Actor Razzie he won (at age 72) for donning sunglasses, white makeup and red lipstick to play genetic-mutant maestro Dr. Moreau. It was the third version of H.G. Wells' novel, the strangest and the worst. The horror! The horror!
----------------
8. The Out-Of-Towners (1999)
When you have a Neil Simon script, as the 1970 Jack Lemmon-starring original did, why mess with that? Shame on you, Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn. You're both old enough to have seen the original ... in the theater. You must've known this update was unnecessary.
----------------
7. Get Carter (2000)
The 1971 original is one of the best gangster flicks ever made, thanks to its quotable dialogue, soulless antihero (Michael Caine) and unapologetic violence. The remake, which stars Sylvester Stallone and features a completely new (and decidedly unimproved) ending, is a humorless bore by comparison.
----------------
6. When A Stranger Calls (2006)
"The call ... It's coming from inside the house!" That line from the '79 original is scarier than anything in this remake, which scored a whopping 10 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and features young, pretty people looking vacant. Forget the murderer -- this film commits the far greater crime of boring us to death.
----------------
5. Swept Away (2002)
This unnatural disaster -- based on the 1974 Italian film 'Swept Away ... by an Unusual Destiny in the Blue Sea of August' -- won five Razzies (including Worst Picture and Worst Remake), went straight to DVD in the U.K., and made Madonna swear she'd never act again. Saaay, maybe something good DID come of it, after all.
----------------
4. The Wicker Man (2006)
The original 1974 'Wicker Man' is considered one of the best, scariest British films ever. The Nicolas Cage update, however, is so un-scary that it's quite literally hilarious: Its numerous scenes of Cage beating up (and being beaten up by) women make it one of the most underrated unintentional comedies of our time.
----------------
3. The Fog (2005)
John Carpenter's 1980 version paid homage to horror film classics just in its roster of stars (Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh, Adrienne Barbeau); the 2005 remake paid homage to teenybopper TV with its cast (Tom Welling, Maggie Grace). You do the math.
----------------
2. Rollerball (2002)
We could go on forever about how this flick about a life-threatening roller-sport is utterly ridiculous and lacks the social and political commentary of the dystopian 1975 sci-fi thriller upon which it's based. Instead, we'll just quote star L.L. Cool J, who simply told Conan O'Brien that it "sucked."
----------------
1. Psycho (1998)
Why, Gus? Why? We don't know what lunacy prompted Gus Van Sant to attempt to re-create Hitchcock's 1960 masterpiece by mimicking every shot, yet leaving out the suspense and excitement (not to mention miscasting genial Vince Vaughn as the deranged Bates). File this bit of suckage under "P" ... for pointless.
----------------
I'm really surpsied Rob Zombie's Halloween didn't make the list. Everyone hates that movie. I mean I liked it but most people hate it.