Rant
06-01-2008, 01:21 AM
Paid Movie Critics
WARNING: I CURSE... A FUCK LOAD
1. I have a general hatred for anyone that makes a living passing judgment on other people's hard work and art. It is one thing to voice an opinion, but to get paid to do it is just bullshit.
2. Why is it that most of these douche-bags can't grasp the difference between a synopsis and a review. These are very different things. A Synopsis is an overview of the plot, while a Review is an overview of your thoughts and feelings on the film, as a whole and in a tasteful, non-spoiler way.
Try reading a 'professional' review that's first 2-3 paragraphs don't give away the first third of the movie. I think that it is safe to assume that we the reader have at least seen the fuckin' trailer and have at least a general idea about the films plot. Oh, and if the reader hasn't... Fuck Um', not your fault, they shouldn't be reading a review on something that they don't know the slightest idea about. That's what a synopsis is for and they can research that shit on their own, if they see fit. Keep it out of the review, or at the very least put that shit off to the side as an 'optional', don't cram it in with your review so you can get the required 400+ words your editor is bitching for, that shit is lazy.
3. My biggest gripe. The cutesy mind-numbing quips and puns the critics use to tie in their feelings on the movie, to the themes of the movie. As an example I give you actual lines from critics reviews on the film 'No Reservations'. Which is, on it's own, a shitty pun. It's a romantic comedy that takes place in a in a Restaurant where you can make Reservations! and there's "No Reservations" when it comes to relationships! Whoaaaaaa! Get It?! That's Clever Shit! Harrrrrdeeee Fuckinnnnnnn' Harrrrrrrr. Anyways here goes...
Joanne Kaufman -Wall Street Journal "No Reservations is strictly cordon blah."
Lou Lumenick - New York Post "terminally bland ... neither totally inedible nor especially appetizing."
John Anderson -Newsday suggests that the film "should come with bicarbonate."
Michael Phillips -Chicago Tribune "afterward...you'll be hungry for a really top-flight meal...
Amy Biancolli -Houston Chronicle "It has the smooth, caramelized sheen of a confection that goes down easy...
Wow, that last one is a real winner. Doesn't that sloppy sud o-clever elbow-nudging pun fucked talk make you want to puke in your Soup? Whoa! Now there I go puttin' my foot in my Mouth. Oh no, now I'm on a Roll! Jesus Wept, puns are the cheapest easy-ass laziest form of jazzing up the written word and they have no creative merit, so cancel my Reservation. This shit needs to stop.
WARNING: I CURSE... A FUCK LOAD
1. I have a general hatred for anyone that makes a living passing judgment on other people's hard work and art. It is one thing to voice an opinion, but to get paid to do it is just bullshit.
2. Why is it that most of these douche-bags can't grasp the difference between a synopsis and a review. These are very different things. A Synopsis is an overview of the plot, while a Review is an overview of your thoughts and feelings on the film, as a whole and in a tasteful, non-spoiler way.
Try reading a 'professional' review that's first 2-3 paragraphs don't give away the first third of the movie. I think that it is safe to assume that we the reader have at least seen the fuckin' trailer and have at least a general idea about the films plot. Oh, and if the reader hasn't... Fuck Um', not your fault, they shouldn't be reading a review on something that they don't know the slightest idea about. That's what a synopsis is for and they can research that shit on their own, if they see fit. Keep it out of the review, or at the very least put that shit off to the side as an 'optional', don't cram it in with your review so you can get the required 400+ words your editor is bitching for, that shit is lazy.
3. My biggest gripe. The cutesy mind-numbing quips and puns the critics use to tie in their feelings on the movie, to the themes of the movie. As an example I give you actual lines from critics reviews on the film 'No Reservations'. Which is, on it's own, a shitty pun. It's a romantic comedy that takes place in a in a Restaurant where you can make Reservations! and there's "No Reservations" when it comes to relationships! Whoaaaaaa! Get It?! That's Clever Shit! Harrrrrdeeee Fuckinnnnnnn' Harrrrrrrr. Anyways here goes...
Joanne Kaufman -Wall Street Journal "No Reservations is strictly cordon blah."
Lou Lumenick - New York Post "terminally bland ... neither totally inedible nor especially appetizing."
John Anderson -Newsday suggests that the film "should come with bicarbonate."
Michael Phillips -Chicago Tribune "afterward...you'll be hungry for a really top-flight meal...
Amy Biancolli -Houston Chronicle "It has the smooth, caramelized sheen of a confection that goes down easy...
Wow, that last one is a real winner. Doesn't that sloppy sud o-clever elbow-nudging pun fucked talk make you want to puke in your Soup? Whoa! Now there I go puttin' my foot in my Mouth. Oh no, now I'm on a Roll! Jesus Wept, puns are the cheapest easy-ass laziest form of jazzing up the written word and they have no creative merit, so cancel my Reservation. This shit needs to stop.