Rant
08-27-2008, 11:59 PM
*WARNING SPOILERS AHOY!*
*ALSO NAUGHTY LANGUAGE*
For Actresses in the competitive world that is the film business, there is one honor held above all others. An honor that, if obtained, shall be presented after their name in any discussion relevant to their acting careers forever after. No, I’m not talking about the Oscar for Best Actress, I’m talking about the much sought after, highly coveted, inspirational for generations role of… The Bond Girl.
Like equal rights, it is a goal for young girls the world round. As a man, I can only imagine what it must feel like for a young actress to be chosen as a love interest for James Bond. I believe they must feel like Alice Paul and Lucy Burns did when they fought for women’s suffrage. Scoring The Bond Girl role for actresses is like getting the SI: Swimsuit cover for Models. Every girl wants it, but only a select few can have hopes of obtaining it. So, in Honor of my Love for Hot Chicks and Action Movies, I give you…
RANT’S TOP TEN BOND GIRLS
http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2002/11/19/image530040x.jpg
Honorary Mention: Jill Masterton (Shirley Eaton)
- Goldfinger (1964) -
Aside from the Gun Barrel POV shot, this babe’s bod is arguably the most recognizable image from the film series. Though her role in the film was very small, you can show pretty much anyone that iconic image of her on that hotel bed covered in gold and have it be recognized immediately. Her character was simply someone who helped the main villain and title character, Goldfinger, cheat at cards. Her downfall, like so many other ladies, was succumbing to Bond’s charm. She helps him humiliate Goldfinger, before jumping into the sack with J.B.. She gets to spend one lovely day with Sean 'the Beefcake' Connery before being punished for her actions by being painted entirely by gold and left unconscious to die by skin suffocation on the very bed she came to know God on. Tragic.
http://www.the-reel-mccoy.com/movies/2002/images/DieAnotherDay_Frost.jpg
10. Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike)
- Die Another Day (2002) -
She was educated at Harvard, won a gold medal in fencing, became a double agent working for MI-6 and slept with James Bond. What more could a girl ask for? Maybe to live to see her thirties? Too Bad, it’s just not in the cards my dear, that’s what you get when you double-cross Bond baby. Posing as the main baddie’s publicist, we find out that she is in fact NOT posing, but working WITH him and double-dog-crossing MI-6. What a bitch! She is ultimately put to her end (along with hopes of the film being good) by Halle Berry. I don’t think that I’ll ever understand why Jinx is always on Top Ten Bond Girls lists, I thought she was weak, stereotypical and fucking goofy. But, I really liked Miranda. She had grace, style and classic beauty. Oh, and that sexy British accent makes my PP7 tingle. Plus, she is one of the few people to really fuck over Bond when you think about it. Sure, he had been betrayed before, but by her actions, she lead him to be held captive and tortured daily in a North Korean prison for 14 months. That’s Cold Ms. Frost, just Cold.
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/185/454578340_c04582e791.jpg?v=0
09. Mary Goodnight (Britt Ekland)
- The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) -
Another fellow MI-6 agent, Goodnight is assigned to help Bond keep track another Hottie Andrea Anders, played by Maud ‘Octopussy’ Adams. Bond spends most of the film ignoring and patronizing Goodnight’s presence. And you can’t blame him too much, she’s a typical ditzy blonde that just ends up causing more trouble than she is worth. She spends a good portion of time trying to get some of Bond’s Special Sauce, but he keeps her at arms length until he has had the pleasure of Anders. Which he gets (of course) with the added twist of having to shove Goodnight into his closet to hide her so he can get his Bond on. Goodnight spends a not so good night in the closet and is awoken by Bond who tells her condescendingly that, “Your turn will come, I promise”. Though, I understand you can’t respect someone that kisses your ass, I saw this as especially cold and I sympathized with Mary and her plight. After this event she understandably becomes cold to Bond and starts to focus more on the job at hand. This, in effect, makes her character more interesting both to Bond and to me. Skip to the End: Bond and Goodnight end up on the villain’s secret island and she starts to kick some ass by helping James kill some baddies and inadvertently starting a chain-reaction that leads the island to be blowed-up real good. The flick ends with Goodnight finally getting what’s been owed to her by Bond as they drift off into the sea on a boat. It’s so damn romanticle!
http://xdf.xanga.com/3fea63620543078522631/z53292660.jpg
08. Dr. Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles)
- Moonraker (1979) -
Scientist, Astronaut, CIA Agent. She’s the smartest of all the Bond Gals, and of course a beauty to boot. Yeah that’s right Christmas Jones can go suck a reindeer dick. Chiles makes an otherwise mediocre Bond flick shine a little bit brighter. Goodhead is working undercover trying to figure out the crazy blow-up-the-world villain’s plans. Like so many other BG’s Goodhead is reluctant to work with Bond at first, but she ‘comes’ around. (hehehe). Holly and James bump into each other several times during the film and eventually end up flying each other to the moon… raker, spaceship thingie. And after suiting up in some quasi-futuristic clothes, they proceed with taking down the man. Now With Lasers! While her name is more ’Take Me’ than ‘Take Me Seriously’ the character is far from the traditional ‘I’m Here Cause I’m Pretty! Tee Hee!’ and I am all for it. And even in a Bond film, I usually prefer my heroines to be more brain then bimbo and Dr. Goodhead is a perfect example. As an added bonus, Moonraker has my favorite end Bond-has-sex-role-the-credits scene. Floating through space in one of the escape pods, Goodhead makes good on her name with Bond while the representatives of their organizations watch in wonder.
Sir Frederick Gray, Minister of Defense: My God, what's Bond doing?
Q: I think he's attempting re-entry, sir!
Fucking Classic Q! R.I.P. Desmond Llewelyn.
http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/061110/13341__10_adams_l.jpg
07. Octopussy (Maud Adams)
- Octopussy (1983) -
A Bond girl so good, they had to name the film after her. Octopussy is the best at what she does, which is jewel smuggling and running a circus. (?). Like so many Bond villains she keeps a stable of hot bitches on hand for whatever she needs (my theory is that she might have been a lesbo until Bond gave her a good Union Jacking). Anyways, the story with Octopussy is that she is working with the bad guys to get her tentacles on a very expensive and special Faberge egg. She is part of a larger scheme that involves smuggling priceless Soviet treasures through her circus front and replacing them with dime-store replicas. The plot is kinda like ‘who gives a shit?’ the only reason Bond is involved is because 009 got killed by these hoods. But whatever. The flick kicks in when Bond arrives on (octo)Pussy Island (I dunno if it’s official, but that’s what I call it, ‘cuz it’s her isle and it’s full of hot trim) to confront OP and her bullshit, only to find out that she is indebted to him for helping out her father in the back-story. Long story short, they make with the bam bam and the other baddies decide to blow the shit out of them. Bond finds this out and disguised as a clown, arrives at the circus in time to convince Octo that there is a bomb where the egg should be. Situation averted. Time for a showdown. Octopussy gathers her troop of circus freaks and teams up with Bond to bring ‘em down. It’s one of the most fun and zaniest of all the Bond endings and of course at the end of the debacle Bond and Octopussy sail away to have sex well into the credits. Maud Adams is the only actress to play a Bond Girl twice and the only one to play the title character, so by that standard alone she deserves to be in my Top Ten. But aside from that, Octopussy was a real fun Bond girl 'cuz she was just so damn ridiculous. Her name, her profession, her cavalcade of hot ‘Octopus’ cult bitches, she is such a fun character.
http://www.virginmedia.com/images/1bondgirl-gal-yeoh.jpg
06. Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh)
- Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) -
Michelle Yeoh has been kicking ass and taking names for years. She must have like 8 or 9 address books full by now. She just so happens to be easy on the eyes as well. And by easy on the eyes I mean, a smoking hottie. What a perfect candidate for Bond fodder. Wai Lin is no, sit-there-and-look-pretty Bond Gal, this lady gets shit done. A Colonel in the Chinese People’s External Security Force (that's a mouthful), it’s safe to assume that she has seen her fair share of the shit. She and Bond start out believing that they are ordered to fight and kill one-another, but when the inevitable ‘Bond Gets Captured’ scene occurs, she ends up in the same predicament. While learning to trust each other, they team-up and work together to bring down a corrupt media mogul murderer. Between kung-fu fighting in skin-tight leather and, well… shit that’s enough right there. I Love Me Some Wai Lin and so inevitably does James, right after blowing the shit out of big top-secret super-expensive stealth boat thingie. Eat your heart out Jackie Chan.
... to be continued
*ALSO NAUGHTY LANGUAGE*
For Actresses in the competitive world that is the film business, there is one honor held above all others. An honor that, if obtained, shall be presented after their name in any discussion relevant to their acting careers forever after. No, I’m not talking about the Oscar for Best Actress, I’m talking about the much sought after, highly coveted, inspirational for generations role of… The Bond Girl.
Like equal rights, it is a goal for young girls the world round. As a man, I can only imagine what it must feel like for a young actress to be chosen as a love interest for James Bond. I believe they must feel like Alice Paul and Lucy Burns did when they fought for women’s suffrage. Scoring The Bond Girl role for actresses is like getting the SI: Swimsuit cover for Models. Every girl wants it, but only a select few can have hopes of obtaining it. So, in Honor of my Love for Hot Chicks and Action Movies, I give you…
RANT’S TOP TEN BOND GIRLS
http://wwwimage.cbsnews.com/images/2002/11/19/image530040x.jpg
Honorary Mention: Jill Masterton (Shirley Eaton)
- Goldfinger (1964) -
Aside from the Gun Barrel POV shot, this babe’s bod is arguably the most recognizable image from the film series. Though her role in the film was very small, you can show pretty much anyone that iconic image of her on that hotel bed covered in gold and have it be recognized immediately. Her character was simply someone who helped the main villain and title character, Goldfinger, cheat at cards. Her downfall, like so many other ladies, was succumbing to Bond’s charm. She helps him humiliate Goldfinger, before jumping into the sack with J.B.. She gets to spend one lovely day with Sean 'the Beefcake' Connery before being punished for her actions by being painted entirely by gold and left unconscious to die by skin suffocation on the very bed she came to know God on. Tragic.
http://www.the-reel-mccoy.com/movies/2002/images/DieAnotherDay_Frost.jpg
10. Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike)
- Die Another Day (2002) -
She was educated at Harvard, won a gold medal in fencing, became a double agent working for MI-6 and slept with James Bond. What more could a girl ask for? Maybe to live to see her thirties? Too Bad, it’s just not in the cards my dear, that’s what you get when you double-cross Bond baby. Posing as the main baddie’s publicist, we find out that she is in fact NOT posing, but working WITH him and double-dog-crossing MI-6. What a bitch! She is ultimately put to her end (along with hopes of the film being good) by Halle Berry. I don’t think that I’ll ever understand why Jinx is always on Top Ten Bond Girls lists, I thought she was weak, stereotypical and fucking goofy. But, I really liked Miranda. She had grace, style and classic beauty. Oh, and that sexy British accent makes my PP7 tingle. Plus, she is one of the few people to really fuck over Bond when you think about it. Sure, he had been betrayed before, but by her actions, she lead him to be held captive and tortured daily in a North Korean prison for 14 months. That’s Cold Ms. Frost, just Cold.
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/185/454578340_c04582e791.jpg?v=0
09. Mary Goodnight (Britt Ekland)
- The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) -
Another fellow MI-6 agent, Goodnight is assigned to help Bond keep track another Hottie Andrea Anders, played by Maud ‘Octopussy’ Adams. Bond spends most of the film ignoring and patronizing Goodnight’s presence. And you can’t blame him too much, she’s a typical ditzy blonde that just ends up causing more trouble than she is worth. She spends a good portion of time trying to get some of Bond’s Special Sauce, but he keeps her at arms length until he has had the pleasure of Anders. Which he gets (of course) with the added twist of having to shove Goodnight into his closet to hide her so he can get his Bond on. Goodnight spends a not so good night in the closet and is awoken by Bond who tells her condescendingly that, “Your turn will come, I promise”. Though, I understand you can’t respect someone that kisses your ass, I saw this as especially cold and I sympathized with Mary and her plight. After this event she understandably becomes cold to Bond and starts to focus more on the job at hand. This, in effect, makes her character more interesting both to Bond and to me. Skip to the End: Bond and Goodnight end up on the villain’s secret island and she starts to kick some ass by helping James kill some baddies and inadvertently starting a chain-reaction that leads the island to be blowed-up real good. The flick ends with Goodnight finally getting what’s been owed to her by Bond as they drift off into the sea on a boat. It’s so damn romanticle!
http://xdf.xanga.com/3fea63620543078522631/z53292660.jpg
08. Dr. Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles)
- Moonraker (1979) -
Scientist, Astronaut, CIA Agent. She’s the smartest of all the Bond Gals, and of course a beauty to boot. Yeah that’s right Christmas Jones can go suck a reindeer dick. Chiles makes an otherwise mediocre Bond flick shine a little bit brighter. Goodhead is working undercover trying to figure out the crazy blow-up-the-world villain’s plans. Like so many other BG’s Goodhead is reluctant to work with Bond at first, but she ‘comes’ around. (hehehe). Holly and James bump into each other several times during the film and eventually end up flying each other to the moon… raker, spaceship thingie. And after suiting up in some quasi-futuristic clothes, they proceed with taking down the man. Now With Lasers! While her name is more ’Take Me’ than ‘Take Me Seriously’ the character is far from the traditional ‘I’m Here Cause I’m Pretty! Tee Hee!’ and I am all for it. And even in a Bond film, I usually prefer my heroines to be more brain then bimbo and Dr. Goodhead is a perfect example. As an added bonus, Moonraker has my favorite end Bond-has-sex-role-the-credits scene. Floating through space in one of the escape pods, Goodhead makes good on her name with Bond while the representatives of their organizations watch in wonder.
Sir Frederick Gray, Minister of Defense: My God, what's Bond doing?
Q: I think he's attempting re-entry, sir!
Fucking Classic Q! R.I.P. Desmond Llewelyn.
http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/imgs/061110/13341__10_adams_l.jpg
07. Octopussy (Maud Adams)
- Octopussy (1983) -
A Bond girl so good, they had to name the film after her. Octopussy is the best at what she does, which is jewel smuggling and running a circus. (?). Like so many Bond villains she keeps a stable of hot bitches on hand for whatever she needs (my theory is that she might have been a lesbo until Bond gave her a good Union Jacking). Anyways, the story with Octopussy is that she is working with the bad guys to get her tentacles on a very expensive and special Faberge egg. She is part of a larger scheme that involves smuggling priceless Soviet treasures through her circus front and replacing them with dime-store replicas. The plot is kinda like ‘who gives a shit?’ the only reason Bond is involved is because 009 got killed by these hoods. But whatever. The flick kicks in when Bond arrives on (octo)Pussy Island (I dunno if it’s official, but that’s what I call it, ‘cuz it’s her isle and it’s full of hot trim) to confront OP and her bullshit, only to find out that she is indebted to him for helping out her father in the back-story. Long story short, they make with the bam bam and the other baddies decide to blow the shit out of them. Bond finds this out and disguised as a clown, arrives at the circus in time to convince Octo that there is a bomb where the egg should be. Situation averted. Time for a showdown. Octopussy gathers her troop of circus freaks and teams up with Bond to bring ‘em down. It’s one of the most fun and zaniest of all the Bond endings and of course at the end of the debacle Bond and Octopussy sail away to have sex well into the credits. Maud Adams is the only actress to play a Bond Girl twice and the only one to play the title character, so by that standard alone she deserves to be in my Top Ten. But aside from that, Octopussy was a real fun Bond girl 'cuz she was just so damn ridiculous. Her name, her profession, her cavalcade of hot ‘Octopus’ cult bitches, she is such a fun character.
http://www.virginmedia.com/images/1bondgirl-gal-yeoh.jpg
06. Wai Lin (Michelle Yeoh)
- Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) -
Michelle Yeoh has been kicking ass and taking names for years. She must have like 8 or 9 address books full by now. She just so happens to be easy on the eyes as well. And by easy on the eyes I mean, a smoking hottie. What a perfect candidate for Bond fodder. Wai Lin is no, sit-there-and-look-pretty Bond Gal, this lady gets shit done. A Colonel in the Chinese People’s External Security Force (that's a mouthful), it’s safe to assume that she has seen her fair share of the shit. She and Bond start out believing that they are ordered to fight and kill one-another, but when the inevitable ‘Bond Gets Captured’ scene occurs, she ends up in the same predicament. While learning to trust each other, they team-up and work together to bring down a corrupt media mogul murderer. Between kung-fu fighting in skin-tight leather and, well… shit that’s enough right there. I Love Me Some Wai Lin and so inevitably does James, right after blowing the shit out of big top-secret super-expensive stealth boat thingie. Eat your heart out Jackie Chan.
... to be continued