Rant
09-21-2008, 03:20 AM
As the few of you who read my posts already know, I love making ‘Top Ten’ lists in my free time. So, in hand, I also Love to read other people’s as well. The problem with this though, is lots of people like to make lists, but very few take the time to actually write a blurb about the very important, “WHY?” This is why one of my favorite columns is right here on Joblo.
I look forward to reading Jim Law’s Ten Spot every time he posts and find myself going over all of them at least 2 times. So, I read the latest Ten Spot: DeNiro vs. Pacino, featuring Jim Law’s favorite characters battling each other to answer ‘Who Has The More Bad-Ass Resume’. Fucking Great Idea! But as I read it I found myself, for the first time, well… pretty disappointed. Not in his selections, parings, or even with who wins, but the “WHY?” The blurb on his number 5 battle between Max Cady and Carlito Brigante for instance, has NOTHING to do with the characters, despite the fact that he claims they are among his favorite. He just talks about how he got drunk and made the choice based on the picture… A fine anecdote, but Come On! Where was the fight? Talk about a let down, that could have been awesome…
His list this time around was a GREAT concept, but could have seriously used a bit more insight and depth. But, rather than just bash it, I decided to put up or shut up and I made my own. Rather than just re-hash his idea verbatim, I decided to put my own spin on it and take 2 of MY favorite actors and put their best characters head-to-head. As I am a Huge Action Fan, I chose (of course), Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger.
For years these two have gone bicep-to-bicep for fame, glory and the title of Action God. Choosing a favorite between these two is like choosing between The Beatles or Elvis Presley, fans can love both, but when it comes down to it, every fan knows deep within, who he would root for if it came down to one-or-the-other. I know mine, of course. However, I am going to be impartial as I go through the following battles in hopes to discover, at least in my subconscious mind, just who of the two can out-machismo the other based on their best-matched roles. So, without further ado, I give you…
STALLONE vs. SCHWARZENEGGER
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/sly-vs-arnie-small1.jpg
I obtained the picture of Sly: Here (http://www.alrioart.com/) and Arnie: Here (http://truezguby.deviantart.com/art/arnold-schwarzenegger-95754150)
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/weaver-vs-white-wolf-300x146.jpg
Bonus Battle: Weaver vs. White Wolf
- Antz (1998) / Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) -
How They Meet: Weaver is inspecting the corpse of a small woodland creature for potential food, when the White Wolf comes along and starts to feast.
The Fight: Claiming that he was there first, Weaver tells the Wolf to beat padded-feet. The Wolf ignores Weaver’s claims and takes a bite out of the meat where Weaver was standing. Ingested whole, Weaver becomes thoroughly pissed off and pulls out his trusty mine-pick and proceeds to punch and carve his way out of digestive prison, eventually tearing a hole through the Wolf’s midsection, killing him painfully in the process. The Ant colony rejoices as they feast all winter on Wolf guts.
WINNER: SLY
(However, As This Is A Bonus Battle & Just Between Voice-Work Characters, It Does Not Count Toward The Over-All Score)
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/heflin-vs-hesse-300x153.jpg
15. Sheriff Freddy Heflin vs. Dr. Alex Hesse
- Cop Land (1997) / Junior (1994) -
How They Meet: Freddy goes to the hospital to see if he qualifies for a new type of hearing aid when he crosses paths with Dr. Hesse, who is there for a check up on his pregnancy.
The Fight: Freddy bumps into Alex on his way out of the hospital and Alex, annoyed and grumpy from morning sickness, makes a quip about how maybe Freddy is pregnant as well, due to the girth of his beer-belly. Freddy, in a bad mood from having been denied the prototype hearing device, punches Alex in the solar plexus. Pissed off and fearing the possible damage done to his unborn child, Alex starts swinging punches at Freddy. The two exchange blows until suddenly Alex’s water breaks and splashes all over the ground, but not being able to hear the splatter, Freddy charges at Alex and ends up slipping in the discharged butt-baby liquid and falls hard on his tailbone, breaking it and ending the fight. Adding insult to injury, the two end up sharing the same hospital room. Freddy takes a little comfort in the fact that he can’t hear Junior’s crying.
WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [0] / SCHWARZENEGGER [1]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/rath-vs-tasker-300x167.jpg
14. Robert Rath vs. Harry Tasker
- Assassins (1995) / True Lies (1994) -
How They Meet: The Crimson Jihad hire Rath to take out Tasker at his home in D.C.
The Fight: Rath is set up in a tree across the street from Tasker’s house, waiting for Harry to come home. Hours later, Harry has yet to arrive and Rath becomes bored. With nothing to do, but continue waiting, he searches for something to watch through his sniper scope. He finds something through the Tasker‘s bedroom window. Rath watches as Mrs. Tasker practices her dance moves wearing nothing but a smile. Sexually distracted, Rath does not see Mr. Tasker pull up to the house. Harry’s partner happens to notice a glimmer in the tree-line across the street, as he is waiting for Harry to put his wedding ring back on. Gib tells Harry what he saw and the two sneak around the block and take position behind the now-revealed assassin. Wondering why he did not take the shot, Harry looks around and sees what is holding Rath’s attention… it’s Helen. Enraged, Harry hugs the trunk of the tree Rath is sitting in and shakes it like a British nanny. Rath loses his balance and falls into Harry’s arms and the last thing he sees is his would-be target’s banana hands wrapping themselves around his neck as they choke the life out of him. The next day, Harry skips work to buy some thick new blinds for his bedroom.
WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [0] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/carter-vs-kaminsky-300x147.jpg
13. Jack Carter vs. Mark Kaminsky aka Joseph P. Brenner
- Get Carter (2000) / Raw Deal (1986) -
How They Meet: In an effort to re-kindle his failed FBI career, Mark Kaminsky takes a risky job to infiltrate a mob organization that happens to employ Jack Carter as an enforcer.
The Fight: Kaminsky works his way into the good graces of the family, but Carter isn’t convinced that ‘Joe’ is who he says he is. Carter goes to work finding out all he can about ‘Brenner’ and eventually comes across the proof he needs. He goes to deliver it to his boss, but is too late as Kaminsky has mu-tiL-A-Tud him with a shotgun. But what really pisses Carter off is that Kaminsky has poured a bowl of candy beans over the corpse for no apparent reason… whatsoever. The candy is the last straw. Carter hunts Kaminsky down, eventually finding him at the airport sending off his floozy friend, Monique, whom he’d met while undercover. Carter sneaks up on the couple on the top of the 5 story parking garage, while the two are saying their goodbyes. Jumping out from the shadows, Carter catches Kaminsky off guard. Carter gets in the first few punches and disorients Kaminsky, positioning him next to the side-railing. As a send-off Carter grabs Kaminsky by the neck and says ‘You Killed Yourself!’ and heaves him over the railing to fall to his doom. Impressed by his manliness, Monique leaves with Carter who decides to quite the mob business. The couple charter a plane and are never seen again.
WINNER: SLY
TOTAL: STALLONE [1] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/toymaker-vs-langston-300x138.jpg
12. Sebastian the Toymaker vs. Howard Langston
- Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003) / Jingle All The Way (1996) -
How They Meet: Howard is pressed to buy his neglected son’s love for the second year in a row. Problem is, a new Turbo-Man isn’t gonna cut it. To win over his family this year, Howard will need to score the new “it” virtual reality game, “Game Over”, created by the super genius, Sebastian the Toymaker.
The Fight: After spending an entire day fighting off old ladies, last-minute shoppers and psychotic midgets, (How Can The Same Shit Happen To The Same Guy Twice? … sorry, wrong Christmas Movie) Howard is finally able to obtain a copy of the game. Christmas morning rolls around and little Jamie, impressed with his father’s attempt at love, plugs into the game. Jamie is sucked into the realm of the Toymaker and after failing at Level 4, becomes trapped within. After his wife threatens to leave him for the next-door neighbor, Howard decides to don his Turbo-Man gear once again and enter the Toymaker’s game to get his son back. Howard races, jousts and robo-battles all the way up to Level 4, destroying everything the Toymaker throws at him, but… Just before Howard can rescue his son, Toymaker takes it to the NEXT LEVEL! And unleashes his secret weapon, a Giant Sized Robot Dementor-Mech run by Howard’s nemesis, the unbearably annoying, failed comedian, SINBAD! Taken aback by the Toymaker’s monster dick-move, Turbo-Man stands stupefied as Sinbad squashes him flatter than a reindeer turd. Game, Set, Match.
Epilogue: Having never escaped the Toymaker’s game, little Jamie remains trapped, and thus never makes it to his audition for the role of Anakin Skywalker. George Lucas never found his perfect child actor to fill the role and was forced to abandon his plans for future Star Wars movies. Years later the Toymaker would be remembered and praised for his hand in sparing fanboys from the shit-storm that would have been: The Prequels.
WINNER: SLY & STAR WARS FANS THE WORLD ‘ROUND
TOTAL: STALLONE [2] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/tango-vs-danko-300x194.jpg
11. Raymond ‘Ray’ Tango vs. Capt. Ivan Danko
- Tango & Cash (1989) / Red Heat (1988) -
How They Meet: When a Russian crime lord flees to Los Angeles, Russian Police Officer Ivan Danko follows. Upon arriving he is partnered with the smooth and organized Officer Ray Tango, whom happened to be investigating the Russian drug dealer’s local murders.
The Fight: Shortly after being paired, it becomes abundantly clear the duo have far too much in common to be able to work together. Both officers being cold, calculating perfectionists with no sense of humor, decide that in order to get the case solved, they must fight to the death. So as the officer left alive might be partnered with a comedic slob, thus completing the age-old Buddy-Cop formula. The duo decided the best and most fair way of dispatching one-another would be to duel pistols. So, facing back-to-back, the officers take their ten paces and turn to fire. Tango gets the drop on Danko and fires straight into his chest, only he happens to be using his police-issue .38 revolver which barley breaks through the fabric of Danko’s Russian Issued Captain’s Uniform, much less his rippling pectorals. Danko fires next using his S&W .44 Magnum and blasts Tango right between the eyes splitting his GQ glasses in two and blowing his brains out the softball sized hole the bullet leaves in the back of his head. Danko calmly places his gun back in its holster and walks away with pride, trying hard not to drag his knuckles through Tango’s blood.
WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [2] / SCHWARZENEGGER [3]
... to be continued
I look forward to reading Jim Law’s Ten Spot every time he posts and find myself going over all of them at least 2 times. So, I read the latest Ten Spot: DeNiro vs. Pacino, featuring Jim Law’s favorite characters battling each other to answer ‘Who Has The More Bad-Ass Resume’. Fucking Great Idea! But as I read it I found myself, for the first time, well… pretty disappointed. Not in his selections, parings, or even with who wins, but the “WHY?” The blurb on his number 5 battle between Max Cady and Carlito Brigante for instance, has NOTHING to do with the characters, despite the fact that he claims they are among his favorite. He just talks about how he got drunk and made the choice based on the picture… A fine anecdote, but Come On! Where was the fight? Talk about a let down, that could have been awesome…
His list this time around was a GREAT concept, but could have seriously used a bit more insight and depth. But, rather than just bash it, I decided to put up or shut up and I made my own. Rather than just re-hash his idea verbatim, I decided to put my own spin on it and take 2 of MY favorite actors and put their best characters head-to-head. As I am a Huge Action Fan, I chose (of course), Sylvester Stallone & Arnold Schwarzenegger.
For years these two have gone bicep-to-bicep for fame, glory and the title of Action God. Choosing a favorite between these two is like choosing between The Beatles or Elvis Presley, fans can love both, but when it comes down to it, every fan knows deep within, who he would root for if it came down to one-or-the-other. I know mine, of course. However, I am going to be impartial as I go through the following battles in hopes to discover, at least in my subconscious mind, just who of the two can out-machismo the other based on their best-matched roles. So, without further ado, I give you…
STALLONE vs. SCHWARZENEGGER
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/sly-vs-arnie-small1.jpg
I obtained the picture of Sly: Here (http://www.alrioart.com/) and Arnie: Here (http://truezguby.deviantart.com/art/arnold-schwarzenegger-95754150)
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/weaver-vs-white-wolf-300x146.jpg
Bonus Battle: Weaver vs. White Wolf
- Antz (1998) / Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) -
How They Meet: Weaver is inspecting the corpse of a small woodland creature for potential food, when the White Wolf comes along and starts to feast.
The Fight: Claiming that he was there first, Weaver tells the Wolf to beat padded-feet. The Wolf ignores Weaver’s claims and takes a bite out of the meat where Weaver was standing. Ingested whole, Weaver becomes thoroughly pissed off and pulls out his trusty mine-pick and proceeds to punch and carve his way out of digestive prison, eventually tearing a hole through the Wolf’s midsection, killing him painfully in the process. The Ant colony rejoices as they feast all winter on Wolf guts.
WINNER: SLY
(However, As This Is A Bonus Battle & Just Between Voice-Work Characters, It Does Not Count Toward The Over-All Score)
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/heflin-vs-hesse-300x153.jpg
15. Sheriff Freddy Heflin vs. Dr. Alex Hesse
- Cop Land (1997) / Junior (1994) -
How They Meet: Freddy goes to the hospital to see if he qualifies for a new type of hearing aid when he crosses paths with Dr. Hesse, who is there for a check up on his pregnancy.
The Fight: Freddy bumps into Alex on his way out of the hospital and Alex, annoyed and grumpy from morning sickness, makes a quip about how maybe Freddy is pregnant as well, due to the girth of his beer-belly. Freddy, in a bad mood from having been denied the prototype hearing device, punches Alex in the solar plexus. Pissed off and fearing the possible damage done to his unborn child, Alex starts swinging punches at Freddy. The two exchange blows until suddenly Alex’s water breaks and splashes all over the ground, but not being able to hear the splatter, Freddy charges at Alex and ends up slipping in the discharged butt-baby liquid and falls hard on his tailbone, breaking it and ending the fight. Adding insult to injury, the two end up sharing the same hospital room. Freddy takes a little comfort in the fact that he can’t hear Junior’s crying.
WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [0] / SCHWARZENEGGER [1]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/rath-vs-tasker-300x167.jpg
14. Robert Rath vs. Harry Tasker
- Assassins (1995) / True Lies (1994) -
How They Meet: The Crimson Jihad hire Rath to take out Tasker at his home in D.C.
The Fight: Rath is set up in a tree across the street from Tasker’s house, waiting for Harry to come home. Hours later, Harry has yet to arrive and Rath becomes bored. With nothing to do, but continue waiting, he searches for something to watch through his sniper scope. He finds something through the Tasker‘s bedroom window. Rath watches as Mrs. Tasker practices her dance moves wearing nothing but a smile. Sexually distracted, Rath does not see Mr. Tasker pull up to the house. Harry’s partner happens to notice a glimmer in the tree-line across the street, as he is waiting for Harry to put his wedding ring back on. Gib tells Harry what he saw and the two sneak around the block and take position behind the now-revealed assassin. Wondering why he did not take the shot, Harry looks around and sees what is holding Rath’s attention… it’s Helen. Enraged, Harry hugs the trunk of the tree Rath is sitting in and shakes it like a British nanny. Rath loses his balance and falls into Harry’s arms and the last thing he sees is his would-be target’s banana hands wrapping themselves around his neck as they choke the life out of him. The next day, Harry skips work to buy some thick new blinds for his bedroom.
WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [0] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/carter-vs-kaminsky-300x147.jpg
13. Jack Carter vs. Mark Kaminsky aka Joseph P. Brenner
- Get Carter (2000) / Raw Deal (1986) -
How They Meet: In an effort to re-kindle his failed FBI career, Mark Kaminsky takes a risky job to infiltrate a mob organization that happens to employ Jack Carter as an enforcer.
The Fight: Kaminsky works his way into the good graces of the family, but Carter isn’t convinced that ‘Joe’ is who he says he is. Carter goes to work finding out all he can about ‘Brenner’ and eventually comes across the proof he needs. He goes to deliver it to his boss, but is too late as Kaminsky has mu-tiL-A-Tud him with a shotgun. But what really pisses Carter off is that Kaminsky has poured a bowl of candy beans over the corpse for no apparent reason… whatsoever. The candy is the last straw. Carter hunts Kaminsky down, eventually finding him at the airport sending off his floozy friend, Monique, whom he’d met while undercover. Carter sneaks up on the couple on the top of the 5 story parking garage, while the two are saying their goodbyes. Jumping out from the shadows, Carter catches Kaminsky off guard. Carter gets in the first few punches and disorients Kaminsky, positioning him next to the side-railing. As a send-off Carter grabs Kaminsky by the neck and says ‘You Killed Yourself!’ and heaves him over the railing to fall to his doom. Impressed by his manliness, Monique leaves with Carter who decides to quite the mob business. The couple charter a plane and are never seen again.
WINNER: SLY
TOTAL: STALLONE [1] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/toymaker-vs-langston-300x138.jpg
12. Sebastian the Toymaker vs. Howard Langston
- Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003) / Jingle All The Way (1996) -
How They Meet: Howard is pressed to buy his neglected son’s love for the second year in a row. Problem is, a new Turbo-Man isn’t gonna cut it. To win over his family this year, Howard will need to score the new “it” virtual reality game, “Game Over”, created by the super genius, Sebastian the Toymaker.
The Fight: After spending an entire day fighting off old ladies, last-minute shoppers and psychotic midgets, (How Can The Same Shit Happen To The Same Guy Twice? … sorry, wrong Christmas Movie) Howard is finally able to obtain a copy of the game. Christmas morning rolls around and little Jamie, impressed with his father’s attempt at love, plugs into the game. Jamie is sucked into the realm of the Toymaker and after failing at Level 4, becomes trapped within. After his wife threatens to leave him for the next-door neighbor, Howard decides to don his Turbo-Man gear once again and enter the Toymaker’s game to get his son back. Howard races, jousts and robo-battles all the way up to Level 4, destroying everything the Toymaker throws at him, but… Just before Howard can rescue his son, Toymaker takes it to the NEXT LEVEL! And unleashes his secret weapon, a Giant Sized Robot Dementor-Mech run by Howard’s nemesis, the unbearably annoying, failed comedian, SINBAD! Taken aback by the Toymaker’s monster dick-move, Turbo-Man stands stupefied as Sinbad squashes him flatter than a reindeer turd. Game, Set, Match.
Epilogue: Having never escaped the Toymaker’s game, little Jamie remains trapped, and thus never makes it to his audition for the role of Anakin Skywalker. George Lucas never found his perfect child actor to fill the role and was forced to abandon his plans for future Star Wars movies. Years later the Toymaker would be remembered and praised for his hand in sparing fanboys from the shit-storm that would have been: The Prequels.
WINNER: SLY & STAR WARS FANS THE WORLD ‘ROUND
TOTAL: STALLONE [2] / SCHWARZENEGGER [2]
http://www.allouttabubblegum.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/tango-vs-danko-300x194.jpg
11. Raymond ‘Ray’ Tango vs. Capt. Ivan Danko
- Tango & Cash (1989) / Red Heat (1988) -
How They Meet: When a Russian crime lord flees to Los Angeles, Russian Police Officer Ivan Danko follows. Upon arriving he is partnered with the smooth and organized Officer Ray Tango, whom happened to be investigating the Russian drug dealer’s local murders.
The Fight: Shortly after being paired, it becomes abundantly clear the duo have far too much in common to be able to work together. Both officers being cold, calculating perfectionists with no sense of humor, decide that in order to get the case solved, they must fight to the death. So as the officer left alive might be partnered with a comedic slob, thus completing the age-old Buddy-Cop formula. The duo decided the best and most fair way of dispatching one-another would be to duel pistols. So, facing back-to-back, the officers take their ten paces and turn to fire. Tango gets the drop on Danko and fires straight into his chest, only he happens to be using his police-issue .38 revolver which barley breaks through the fabric of Danko’s Russian Issued Captain’s Uniform, much less his rippling pectorals. Danko fires next using his S&W .44 Magnum and blasts Tango right between the eyes splitting his GQ glasses in two and blowing his brains out the softball sized hole the bullet leaves in the back of his head. Danko calmly places his gun back in its holster and walks away with pride, trying hard not to drag his knuckles through Tango’s blood.
WINNER: ARNIE
TOTAL: STALLONE [2] / SCHWARZENEGGER [3]
... to be continued