View Full Version : more of my NEW SCRIPT!!!!please please critique

07-12-2002, 02:23 PM
[Screen is off. We can only see black. We hear the sound of beeping in the background. Then we hear a voice.]

That will be 45.27 please?

We can now see Carrie. She is at the supermarket working the checkout aisle. She is about 16, wearing her uniformal arpon and looks very tired.]

[fumbling through her purse]
45.27? Oh,dear. Bill told me not to go over the 30 dollar limit. I only have a 100 dollar bill.

[Carrie looks at her deeply and snatches the dollar bill from the woman.]

You know, I don't get it

Get what?

Get how you people just stand there and give the cashier there 100 dollar bill and just EXPECT them to give you your change.

Well, that's what one would expect.

[while getting the change]
That's exactly what I'm talking about. You big shots would rather sit there and give us the 100 dollar bill instead of just bringing the right change in the first place. You people act like you have an army of 'em stahsed away somewhere. Do you KNOW what I could do with 100 bucks. I could not come to this hellhole of a job for an entire month the way this place is paying me. The cashier's already had a bad day. Every day we have to put up with crying babies, people that bring in tons opf food for you to ring up, little whining brats that beg their mommies to get them that Snickers bar they want and a manager that basically burns you to the stake when you mess up once. Then here you come with your 100 dollar bill not having to do anything at all except go home and feed the little ungrateful snotnosed kid you bought all the crap for[in a sarcastic cheerful voice]And guess what? You get to do it again next week!

[takes her change]
You know, you've got a lot of nerve.

I'm a teenager and I'm a girl. I'm allowed to bitch every once and awhile.
[hands her her grocery bags]
Have a nice day.

[Cut to black. title card reads "Juvenile".]

Carrie takes her apron off and throws it on the counter. She walks towards her manager's office. She sticks her head in the door. He is talking on the phone.]

Michael, I'm checking out.

[Michael acknowledges her. Carrie walks towards the door, past 16-year-old customerless Angela Brownings.]

Where are you going?

I'm checking out.


I gotta go take my driver's test

Carrie! Hello! Coupon day. This place will be swamped with trash!

That's what the garbage can is for.

I wasn't talking about the garbage!

Angie, I'm sorry. But what can I do.

[Carrie walks out the door. Angela rolls her eyes. A man with groceries approaches the check-out lane.]


[Angela doesn't answer.]



Would you mind checking out my groceries.

Im sorry, sir. This is the express lane. 10 items or less.

This is 10 items.

[Angela grabs a pack of gum off of the gum rack.]

Now it's 11.

INT-Driving Course, Day
[Carrie is approaching the car on the driving instructing course. Soft music is playing in the background. She opens the car door and gets in. We get a long range shot of the car from behind. The car sits there for about 6 seconds. The car begins to move out into the highway. It drives along for a few seconds before, out of nowhere, another car its it in the side rear, causing it to careen out of control into a lightpost.]

That's all for now. Can you guys please give me your opinions?

07-12-2002, 02:47 PM

07-12-2002, 03:11 PM
An interesting premise that I think has potential. I have a few problems however with the opening sequence with the rich lady. First, would Carrie say "please" if she's an angst-filled teen? Second, is it just the site of the $100 bill that sets Carrie off? It seems to me that the catalyst for her outburst would be more convincing if the rich woman was a royal bitch. Third, Carrie's rant while getting the change is too long-winded. No customer would stand there that long and take that kind of verbal abuse, and then have such a nonchalant reaction. I would make the rich woman get very flustered and stammer on about suing Carrie and the grocery store or something of that nature.

Here's how I would handle the initial opening scene:

Forty-five twenty seven...


A sixteen-year-old girl in an apron is working the check-out at a grocery store. Her name-tag says CARRIE, and she appears to be either very tired or very bored with her job. She glances at her watch, then at the long line of customers waiting to make their purchases.

Her shoulders droop in disgust as she eyes her next customer. The next person is line is an elderly woman who is obviously quite wealthy. She is outfitted in designer clothes accented with gaudy rhinestones and wears oversized glasses that also gleam with the shiny baubles. She holds a small poodle in her arm that has a matching rhinestone collar. The dog growls at Carrie.

How much?

Forty-five twenty-seven.

The rich woman tries to hold onto the dog and fumble in her Gucci hand-bag for money. She mutters under her breath.

...high-way robbery... forty-five
dollars for one bag of groceries...

She finally finds what she's looking for and hands Carrie a hundred dollar bill. The dog barks noisily as she hands it over.

Yes, I know, Princess - forty-five
dollars. Who can charge that much
for dog-food, hmmmm?

Carrie bites her lip, trying to control her anger. Finally she can hold it no long - she punches the buttons of the cash register viciously and glares at the rich woman.

I don't get it!

Pardon me?

Do you know what I could do with a
hundred bucks? I sure as hell wouldn't
be buying dog food! I could skip work
at this hell-hole for a month, but you
wouldn't know about work would you?
Crying babies, pushing buttons till
your fingers cramp, whiny brats begging
their moms for candy, arguing over
expired coupons. And you bring "Princess"
here and your hundred dollar bill and
gripe about the goddamned prices?
Jesus Christ lady, save it for your
pals at country club - some of us don't
want to hear it!

The rich lady looks as if she has been slapped. She snatches the change out of Carrie's hand and holds Princess away from the girl, as if Carrie might strike out at the dog.

Well - I NEVER! I'll be speaking
to your manager, missy!

Carrie watches her as she scuttles off, then turns her attention to the next customer. Everyone in her line has moved over to the next register, not daring to face the wrath of Carrie.

07-12-2002, 03:32 PM
hmmmm, thanks for that advice. I'll make sure to either cut the rant or do something to that extent

07-12-2002, 05:31 PM
Your script is very good! It has the attitude of Kevin Smith and i think it has great pottential!!!!!!! I rate (so far) A+ for its kind! How would you name it?

07-13-2002, 12:59 AM
I don't think I'd use Zings description of a rich lady if it's important to the script. No offense, Zing. Because, when I read that description the old woman sounded like a pitiful poser or wannabe, not someone who is truly wealthy.

Just an observation.