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07-18-2002, 11:28 AM
Ok guy's I have posted some of this before,but I have added.So it would be greatly appreciated if you replied.I don
t want any trouble with this.And I know if the bad formatting,but still can you check it out.
Thanks http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gifMy first Python
A spoof script
written by Logan Groves
Ext.-Deep Space
Deep space comes into picture.There is a lonely planet in the distance,that planet is Earth.
Narrator:
God created Earth.God Created Man.God created
a bunch of other things that don’t matter,but that’s not the point.
Most importantly God created Classic Films.From every Marlon
Brando film to every Sylvester Stallone there’s been classic films.
Films that stay with is forever.
A the Narrator is talking a film strip slowly comes toward the camera.
Narrator:
And were going to show you a few of these classic
films.....
When the films strip is right in front of the camera it blows up.
Narrator:
Our Way.
The theme from 2001:A Space Odyssey begins to play.The camera begins to PAN down in on Earth.The Earth is spinning slowly,the music stops playing.Now it is in B&W.The camera zooms in on Africa,then the Word Casablanca appears.Now fades into the city.The theme from the Godfather beings to play.
Ext.-Airport
There is an airplane taking off and leaving Casablanca.It gets off the ground and begins to fly ,and then all of a sudden blows up.The camera goes back down to the airport and see two stoners at the take off road with rocket launchers.
Stoner 1(German ):
Sweeeet Dude.
Stoner 2:
That’s like the third one today.
These idiots won’t ever want to lave this
God awful city.
Ext.-Rick”The Godfathers”Caffe American.
The Godfather theme begins to play.
Int.-Caffe
It looks like the caffe in Casablanca,people are chatting amongst themselves.We go by Sam the piano player and his band.
Sam:
Burn em all!Stupid white trash!!!
Burn em all!!!Let’s just burn em all!!
Then a man jumps out and starts to break dance.People are sinning and clapping to the music.One man jumps up but trips over a chair and falls and hits his head.Some people start to laugh.
Sam:
Oh Mr.Johansson you kidder.
Mr.Johansson:
Please I’m in a lot of pain.
Everybody begins to laugh.The camera continues to go through the caffe.There are some Germans trying to arrest somebody.There are two drunks sinning.Now the end of the caffe.The Godfather music plays again.It is a office.There is a man sitting on a rusted chair.And there is another chair,but the other chair is turned around.
Lenny:
Please Rick the Godfather,I have these papers.
They are letters of transit.The Germans are after me.
I need you to hide these letters for me.Please Rick.
The chair turns around.A hansome middle aged man,wearing a white suit,smoking a cigarette and stroking a cat is revealed.
Rick:
I stick out my neck for nobody you know that.I only
want these letters here for less then a day.
Lenny:
Thank you,thats all I need.
Rick:
Alright be gone.
Rick throws his cat at Lenny’s face.Lenny screams in horror.
Rick:
Come back here you pussy.
Lenny sits back down.
Rick:
Not you idiot,the pussy cat.
Lenny:
Ok.
Lenny leaves.Rick starts talking to his cat.
Rick:
We have so many idiots in this town.
There’s those Three Stooges.
The Stooges are poking and hitting eachother.People are laughing and clapping.
Rick wipes his tongue and shuts the door.His eyes turn greem.
Rick:
Ah,thats better.Hey pussy I have an idea
why don’t you do my favourite dance.
The cat rolls her eyes.He jumps off Rick’s lap and begins to dance.She dances in a Shirley Temple style.Rick starts to clap.One of Rick’s workers comes in.
Worker:
Mr Rick....
Rick:
Not now I’m busy.
Worker:
That mans get stranger every day.
The worker leaves.
Rick:
Ok that’s enough.
The cat comes back onto Rick’s lap.
The cat points at the cigarettes.
Rick:
But the doctor told you to cut back.
The cat points at the fags again.
Rick:
Alright,but if you die it’s your own fault.
You did it to yourself.
The cat begins to smoke.
Rick:
Geeeeez.
The cat meows.
Rick:
You don’t look so hot
pussy.
The cat faints and dies.
Rick:
I told you it was your fault.Now
your dead because you didn’t listen
to me,and now your dead.
Oh well.
Rick throws the cat out the window.
Rick:
Now to check on my bar.
Rick gets up and walks around the bar.
People are trying to talk to him.
Man:
Have a drink Rick?
Rick punches the man in the face.
Rick:
Still got it.
A women walks over.
Women:
Why won’t you take my calls?You wont
even look at your own son.
Rick:
Listen Lady if your trying to pull off some
kind of stunt it ain’t working.
Women:
Well isn’t this Melrose Place?
Rick:
No this is Rick “The Godafther’s”Caffe
American.Melrose Place is down the hallway.
Women:
Ah damn.I do this everytime.Yesturday I was on the
Dirty Dancing 2 set,and well Patrik Swayze and Julia
Stiles were shooting a love scene.
Rick(shivers):
Yezzzz.No wonder your so confused.
Women:
Uh ok then.
As the women leaves the door,two other people walk in.A male and a female.The man’s name is HUGH JAZZ,and the women’s name is AMANDA HUG’N KISS.Rick looks over and almost faints in shock.
Then Rick wipes out a gun and shoots AMANDA,everyone gasps and looks at Rick.
Dick:
Mr.Rick!
Rick wakes up from his dream.The two people are still at the door.
Rick:
Yes Charlie.
Dick:
My name is Dick.
Rick:
Yes yes same thing.
Dick:
Rick your old wife is here,
Amanda Hug’N Kiss.
Rick:
I thought I told that broad to stay
away from me.
Dick:
I guess she couldn’t take a hint.
Rick:
Oh well I’ll shoot her sooner or later.
Dick:
Excellent choice Mr.Rick.
Dick walks away.
Rick begins to walk towards Amanda.As he is walking doves come from behind her and the song “At Last” begins to play.Amanda gives him a smile and blows him a kiss.
Then the dove’s faint and die.Flames come from Amanda,and she smiles.Her teeth are all crooked.Two horns come out of her head.Then it is gone.
Amanda:
Nice to See you again Rick.
Rick:
Yea that’s right.
Amanda:
This is my fiancee Hugh Jazz.
Rick:
Nice to meet you Huge ass,I mean Hugh
Jazz.
Hugh and Amanda give him a weird look.
Amada:
Well are you just going to stand there or
are you going to bring us to a table?
Rick:
I’d rather just stand here.
Hugh:
I’ll go get us a table sweetheart.
Hugh walks off.
Rick:
I told you never to come close to
me again.
Amanda:
Look Rick your the one doing it to
yourself!
Rick:
But why did you have to leave me?
Amanda:
Do you really want to know why
Rick?
Rick:
Yes!I want the truth!
Amanda:
The truth?! You can’t handle the truth!
Rick:
Uh ya I can.
Amanda:
Ok I needed a few extra dollars so I decided
to look for a rich pretty boy.I found you after we
rocked the casaba a few times I took your cash.
Rick:
That’s the reason?Oh well I thought
you would say you were already married.
Boy,I’ve had 16 women take my money.Man
people now a days a pathetic.
Hugh Jazz come back.
Amanda:
Come on honey I got us a table.
The two love birds,well not totally but close enough.Ok the two almost married couple walk off.Then the honeymoon.
Rick:
In all the gin joints in the world
she chose mine.Hmmm I guess
Applebee’s ain’t doing so well.
Int.-Bar,Rick “The Godfahters” Caffe
Rick walks over and sits on a stool at the bar.He looks very tired.
Rick:
Give me a good stiff drink Charlie.
Bartender:
My name is Frank.
Rick:
Oh well,same thing.
Then the film begins to play film noir,murder mystry music.
Rick(v.o):
It was a day just like any other day.Well
almost except for pussy deing .But it became
even more unusual when Amanda walked in.There’s
something about her I don’t trust.
CLOSE UP on Amanda.See is smiling and DOESN’T look suspicious.
Rick (v.o,cont’d):
Ok not that suspicious,but I know she wants something
from me.Why else would she be hear.The Transit papers!!
No,that’s the only kind of plot twist they use in David Fincher
movies.Maybe she is coming on to me.Ok maybe she wants my money.
Rick is interupted by the bartender.
Bartender:
Here go you sir.
Rick:
Ah Charlie is was in the moment.
Bartender:
My name isn’t.....
Rick:
The moment Charlie.
The bartender walks away slowly.
Rick (v.o.):
Now where was I?Damn.
Int.-Rick’s Office
Rick sits in his chair smoking a cigarette waiting for someone to come in.The Amanda walks in.
Rick(v.o.):
I knew it.
Amanda looks sexy and a little bit of steam comes from her.The film noir/murder mystery music begins to play again.
Amanda:
Hello Rick.
Rick:
What do you want Amanda?
Amanda:
I just wanted to see how we were doing.
Maybe give you some “Company.”
Rick(v.o.):
She is coming on to me.
Rick:
Are you trying to seduce me?
Amanda:
Yes Rick I am.
Rick:
Why?
Amanda:
‘Cuz I love you!I want you back Rick.
Rick:
Good enough for me.
Amanda runs over and jumps into Rick’s arms.They begin to do some heavy loving.Rick begins to put his hand onto Amanda’s breast.
While they are “loving”Amanda slowly brings her hand down and takes Rick’s wallet.They stop.
Amanda:
I have to go now.
Give walks away shaking her butt side to side.
Rick(v.o.):
She took my money.
As she leaves a police detective walks in.The film noir music plays.
Detective:
Oh seriously.
The music stops.
Detective:
I am Detective dingdondidaly.
Rick:
Say what?
Detective:
Call me Jay.I have heard that you have letters
of transit.
Rick(v.o.):
Why did they get David Lynch to write
this movie.
Rick:
Where are you from?
Detective:
Mulholland Drive.
Rick(v.o.):
I knew it.
Rick:
Well I don’t know what you are talking about.
Detective:
Don’t give me that crap Ricky.
The detective hops onto the desk and rubs his leg.
Rick(v.o.):
Oh my god!He’s gay!
Rick:
Ok Jay.I am not gay.
Detective:
Oh but it’s great.
Rick:
Run mother fucker!!
Rick jumps out the window and hopes onto a horse and rides off into the mist.
Fade to black.
Fade in:
Int.-White building.
A bright white room comes into a focus.The David Lynch walks in.
Lynch:
Hello my name is David Lynch.Famous
for fucking with your minds.Now I would
just like to tell you,this is the part of the movie
where it’s supposed to be confusing.Well ever since I got
fucked at the Oscars and just finished watching Mr.Deeds,I have
run out of ideas.So I have left the rest of the movie over to Adam
Sandler.
There is a long pause.
Lynch:
Just kidding.
Fade to black.
Ext.-Stretch of field
Rick is riding down a long stretch of field as he continues his story.
Rick(v.o.):
Ok so where was I?Oh yes well
I escaped from Casablanca luckily.The walls
were really starting to cave in.I think that
gay guy was coming on to me.So I jumped onto
my horse and rode off.I didn’t have time to
finish my Casablanca story,sorry about that.
Well time for a new beginning and a new story!
Farmer(o.s.):
Hey you crazy hooligan get of my
god dang property!
Rick(v.o.):
I must be in Alabama.
A farmer begins to chase Rick with his shotgun.He get’s the horse in the leg.
The horse runs a few more feat before getting it’s leg caught in a fence and falling over.”Gone with the Wind.”
Director(o.s.):
Aaand cut.
Movie crewman begin to go over and do a few things.
Director (o.s.):
Ok Frank you can get up now.
Rick does not move.
Director(o.s.):
Charlie can you go see why the hell
Frank won’t get up.
Crewman:
My name is Bill.
Director(o.s.):
I don’t care if your name is
Bill Fucking Gates,just go see
why he won’t get up.
Crewman:
Bill Fucking Gates,that’s a good
one.
The crewman walks over and shakes the actor.
Crewman:
Frank wake up.
He checks his pulse.
Crewman:
I think he’s dead.
The Director’s head FILLS FRAME.
Director:
Another one??That’s like the sixth
one!People are going to notice.
Crewman:
I didn’t.
Director:
Well the pay you to say
that.
Crewman:
He he this guy cracks
me up.
Director:
Well who else do we
have?
Crewman finds the clipboard.
Crewman:
Ummm Ian Mackellan,and
Daniel Radcliffe.
Director:
You gotta be kidding me?
Crewman:
Look for yourself.
The director gets out of his chair and takes a look.
Director:
Fine.Mackellan!
Ian Mackellan comes from behind a tree.He is wearing The Ganfalf suit.
Ian:
We must protect the ring!
Director:
I don’t need you fancy words
just get onto that horse.
Ian:
Well I was busy with Frodo.
Director:
Who the hell is Frodo?
Ian goes back behind the tree.Giggles and smooching can be heard.
Director:
Great.Radcliffe come here!
Creman:
Uh,he is at Michael Jackson’s house
for the weekend.
Director:
Why didn’t you tell me that?
Crewman:
I don’t know.
Director:
Well I guess were going
to have to close production.
(Beat)
Alright everyone,that’s a wrap!
All of the crew people turn around and cheer.They begin to party.
Close on Best Boy
He throws his shirt up into the air.As it spins it goes into slow motion and the theme from 2001:A Space Odessy begins to play.
Ext.-Space
The shirt goes into space,the music still continues to play.
A Space ship slowly comes to FILL FRAME.The ship moves slowly as it hit’s the shirt.
Int.-Space Ship
BOB SEGALL a 30 ish old man walks down a hallway in the space craft.
Bob:
Honey honey do do
do do do do.You are my friend.
ROCK JOHNSON comes from a corridor.
Rock:
Segall!
Bob suddenly stops.
Bob:
Sir?!
Rock:
Nevermind.
Bob continues to sing.
Then Bob notices something from the window.A distant figure but he can see it perfectly.
Bob:
Holy Minnasota!
Captain come quick you have to see this!
Rock runs over and looks out the window.
Rock:
I I can’t believe I am
seeing this!
Close on Figure
It is a baby Tim Burton.His hair is wacked as usual.He is surrounded by a glowing force field.
Baby Tim:
TIMMY!!
Int.-Spacecraft
Bob:
He just said Timmy.
Rock:
It looks like a baby Tim Burton.
Bob:
Who the hell is Tim Burton?
Rock:
Mars Attacks?
Bob looks at Rock stunned.
Rock:
Nevermind.What do you think we should do?
Bob:
I don’t know your the captain.
Rock:
Damn.Hmmm think Rock think.
What would my dad do in this situation?
Dissolve to white room
Rock’s dad a old drunk sits in a rocking chair.
Rock’s Dad:
Get off my property!
Int.-Spaceship
Rock looks out the window,still thinking.
Bob:
Capatain?
Rock:
You stay away from my wife!
Bob:
What captain?
Rock:
Nothing.If only I got a gift from
God!
Then Stanley Kubrick comes crashing through the roof.He is naked.
Stanley:
Sorry lads,looks like I got
a little too roudy in heaven.You see
I was.....
Bob:
Ok thank you...
Stanley:
The great director Stanley
Kubrick.
Bob:
Well if you were great then why haven’t I
ever heard of you?
Rock:
He doesn’t get out much,his favourite
movie is Battlefield Earth.
Kubrick looks at Bob with a great deal of anger.
Kubrick:
Well gents now that I’m here,what can
I do?
Rock:
Well you wrote A Space Odesssy,yes?
Kubrik:
Yes and directed.
Rock:
Ok good.Can you look out the window please.
Kubrick:
Yea sure anything.
Kubrick looks out the window.
Close on baby Burton
Baby Burton:
TIMMY!!
Int.-Space craft
After looking at this Kubrick almost faints.
Rock:
Whoa horsey,you ok Stanley?
Kubrick looks a little air headed.
Kubrick:
Me?Yea you just go back to what you were
doing.
Rock:
Right.
Bob:
Well I think we should try to blast are selves
into baby Burton.
Rock:
It may be the only way!
Kubrick what do you think of this?
Kubrick:
Me?Well what’s with all the questions?
Geez can’t a man get a little
respect?
Rock:
Yes or No.
Kubrick:
Yea sure why not?
Rock:
Ok then.Charlie start the engines!
Bob:
My name is Bob.
Rock:
Oh would you shut up and do
it?!
Bob (walking away):
I I sir.Ya fucking maroon.
Int.-Front of Space Craft
Bob straps himself to the seat.He flicks some switches.
Bob:
Alright were about to go in
only a matter of minutes.
Kubrick (o.s.):
Hey you wanna see my
weiner?
Rock(v.o.):
No thanks I’ve already
seen enough.
Kubrick(v.o.):
Fine!
Bob:
Boy I can’t wait to get home.
Ext.-Back of the Ship
The huge exaughst pipes rest silently.Then a huge roar of fire comes out and the spaceship heads towards Baby Burton
Pov.-Baby Burton
He sees the spaceship coming towards in fast.
Back to scene
Baby Burton:
TIMMY!
The space ship stops as the force field is in the way.The space ship then falls straight down.Baby Burton looks on.
Baby Burton:
TIMMY!
Ext.-Land of Apes.
A beautiful land comes to FILL FRAME.It looks exactly like the land of Oz.Short people in funny looking suits are going amongst there buisness.There faces aren’t reviled but there necks have a lot of hair.
Close on Sky
A falling object can be seen coming down from the sky.As it gets closer to filling the frame,it can now be known it is the space craft.
Ext.-Land of Apes.
Out of the dust a witch appears before everyone.
Whitch:
He he he he.You fools I have you
trapped now!
These midget people’s faces are now reviled,they are apes.
All of the apes gasp in horror.
Ape 1:
What will we do?
Then the space craft lands right on top of the witch,sqwishing her.
Apes:
Yay!Wha hoo!
The smoke begins to clear away as Rock,Bob,and Kubrick(still naked)come out of the space craft.
Bob:
Where the hell are we?
Ape:
Why you are in the land of
Ape.
Rock:
It looks more like the Land of Oz.
Kubrick:
What you say about me?
Rock:
Nothing.
Ape:
Well you have done a great dead.
Rock:
Let me guess we killed a witch.
Apes(looking puzzled):
Yea,your right.
Rock:
Yea I had a funny feeling.
Ape:
Well since you three have done a great deed
we will introduce are land with a song.
Bob:
Oh no we don’t need a song.
Rock:
Look we don’t have time for short
midgets crossed over with apes sinning
us a song.
Ape:
But we must.
Kubrick:
I don’t think were in deep space any
more Toto.
Bob:
Yea we figured that from the start.
But who’s asking?
Alright that's all I have written.
What do ya think?
--blankpage
http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
t want any trouble with this.And I know if the bad formatting,but still can you check it out.
Thanks http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gifMy first Python
A spoof script
written by Logan Groves
Ext.-Deep Space
Deep space comes into picture.There is a lonely planet in the distance,that planet is Earth.
Narrator:
God created Earth.God Created Man.God created
a bunch of other things that don’t matter,but that’s not the point.
Most importantly God created Classic Films.From every Marlon
Brando film to every Sylvester Stallone there’s been classic films.
Films that stay with is forever.
A the Narrator is talking a film strip slowly comes toward the camera.
Narrator:
And were going to show you a few of these classic
films.....
When the films strip is right in front of the camera it blows up.
Narrator:
Our Way.
The theme from 2001:A Space Odyssey begins to play.The camera begins to PAN down in on Earth.The Earth is spinning slowly,the music stops playing.Now it is in B&W.The camera zooms in on Africa,then the Word Casablanca appears.Now fades into the city.The theme from the Godfather beings to play.
Ext.-Airport
There is an airplane taking off and leaving Casablanca.It gets off the ground and begins to fly ,and then all of a sudden blows up.The camera goes back down to the airport and see two stoners at the take off road with rocket launchers.
Stoner 1(German ):
Sweeeet Dude.
Stoner 2:
That’s like the third one today.
These idiots won’t ever want to lave this
God awful city.
Ext.-Rick”The Godfathers”Caffe American.
The Godfather theme begins to play.
Int.-Caffe
It looks like the caffe in Casablanca,people are chatting amongst themselves.We go by Sam the piano player and his band.
Sam:
Burn em all!Stupid white trash!!!
Burn em all!!!Let’s just burn em all!!
Then a man jumps out and starts to break dance.People are sinning and clapping to the music.One man jumps up but trips over a chair and falls and hits his head.Some people start to laugh.
Sam:
Oh Mr.Johansson you kidder.
Mr.Johansson:
Please I’m in a lot of pain.
Everybody begins to laugh.The camera continues to go through the caffe.There are some Germans trying to arrest somebody.There are two drunks sinning.Now the end of the caffe.The Godfather music plays again.It is a office.There is a man sitting on a rusted chair.And there is another chair,but the other chair is turned around.
Lenny:
Please Rick the Godfather,I have these papers.
They are letters of transit.The Germans are after me.
I need you to hide these letters for me.Please Rick.
The chair turns around.A hansome middle aged man,wearing a white suit,smoking a cigarette and stroking a cat is revealed.
Rick:
I stick out my neck for nobody you know that.I only
want these letters here for less then a day.
Lenny:
Thank you,thats all I need.
Rick:
Alright be gone.
Rick throws his cat at Lenny’s face.Lenny screams in horror.
Rick:
Come back here you pussy.
Lenny sits back down.
Rick:
Not you idiot,the pussy cat.
Lenny:
Ok.
Lenny leaves.Rick starts talking to his cat.
Rick:
We have so many idiots in this town.
There’s those Three Stooges.
The Stooges are poking and hitting eachother.People are laughing and clapping.
Rick wipes his tongue and shuts the door.His eyes turn greem.
Rick:
Ah,thats better.Hey pussy I have an idea
why don’t you do my favourite dance.
The cat rolls her eyes.He jumps off Rick’s lap and begins to dance.She dances in a Shirley Temple style.Rick starts to clap.One of Rick’s workers comes in.
Worker:
Mr Rick....
Rick:
Not now I’m busy.
Worker:
That mans get stranger every day.
The worker leaves.
Rick:
Ok that’s enough.
The cat comes back onto Rick’s lap.
The cat points at the cigarettes.
Rick:
But the doctor told you to cut back.
The cat points at the fags again.
Rick:
Alright,but if you die it’s your own fault.
You did it to yourself.
The cat begins to smoke.
Rick:
Geeeeez.
The cat meows.
Rick:
You don’t look so hot
pussy.
The cat faints and dies.
Rick:
I told you it was your fault.Now
your dead because you didn’t listen
to me,and now your dead.
Oh well.
Rick throws the cat out the window.
Rick:
Now to check on my bar.
Rick gets up and walks around the bar.
People are trying to talk to him.
Man:
Have a drink Rick?
Rick punches the man in the face.
Rick:
Still got it.
A women walks over.
Women:
Why won’t you take my calls?You wont
even look at your own son.
Rick:
Listen Lady if your trying to pull off some
kind of stunt it ain’t working.
Women:
Well isn’t this Melrose Place?
Rick:
No this is Rick “The Godafther’s”Caffe
American.Melrose Place is down the hallway.
Women:
Ah damn.I do this everytime.Yesturday I was on the
Dirty Dancing 2 set,and well Patrik Swayze and Julia
Stiles were shooting a love scene.
Rick(shivers):
Yezzzz.No wonder your so confused.
Women:
Uh ok then.
As the women leaves the door,two other people walk in.A male and a female.The man’s name is HUGH JAZZ,and the women’s name is AMANDA HUG’N KISS.Rick looks over and almost faints in shock.
Then Rick wipes out a gun and shoots AMANDA,everyone gasps and looks at Rick.
Dick:
Mr.Rick!
Rick wakes up from his dream.The two people are still at the door.
Rick:
Yes Charlie.
Dick:
My name is Dick.
Rick:
Yes yes same thing.
Dick:
Rick your old wife is here,
Amanda Hug’N Kiss.
Rick:
I thought I told that broad to stay
away from me.
Dick:
I guess she couldn’t take a hint.
Rick:
Oh well I’ll shoot her sooner or later.
Dick:
Excellent choice Mr.Rick.
Dick walks away.
Rick begins to walk towards Amanda.As he is walking doves come from behind her and the song “At Last” begins to play.Amanda gives him a smile and blows him a kiss.
Then the dove’s faint and die.Flames come from Amanda,and she smiles.Her teeth are all crooked.Two horns come out of her head.Then it is gone.
Amanda:
Nice to See you again Rick.
Rick:
Yea that’s right.
Amanda:
This is my fiancee Hugh Jazz.
Rick:
Nice to meet you Huge ass,I mean Hugh
Jazz.
Hugh and Amanda give him a weird look.
Amada:
Well are you just going to stand there or
are you going to bring us to a table?
Rick:
I’d rather just stand here.
Hugh:
I’ll go get us a table sweetheart.
Hugh walks off.
Rick:
I told you never to come close to
me again.
Amanda:
Look Rick your the one doing it to
yourself!
Rick:
But why did you have to leave me?
Amanda:
Do you really want to know why
Rick?
Rick:
Yes!I want the truth!
Amanda:
The truth?! You can’t handle the truth!
Rick:
Uh ya I can.
Amanda:
Ok I needed a few extra dollars so I decided
to look for a rich pretty boy.I found you after we
rocked the casaba a few times I took your cash.
Rick:
That’s the reason?Oh well I thought
you would say you were already married.
Boy,I’ve had 16 women take my money.Man
people now a days a pathetic.
Hugh Jazz come back.
Amanda:
Come on honey I got us a table.
The two love birds,well not totally but close enough.Ok the two almost married couple walk off.Then the honeymoon.
Rick:
In all the gin joints in the world
she chose mine.Hmmm I guess
Applebee’s ain’t doing so well.
Int.-Bar,Rick “The Godfahters” Caffe
Rick walks over and sits on a stool at the bar.He looks very tired.
Rick:
Give me a good stiff drink Charlie.
Bartender:
My name is Frank.
Rick:
Oh well,same thing.
Then the film begins to play film noir,murder mystry music.
Rick(v.o):
It was a day just like any other day.Well
almost except for pussy deing .But it became
even more unusual when Amanda walked in.There’s
something about her I don’t trust.
CLOSE UP on Amanda.See is smiling and DOESN’T look suspicious.
Rick (v.o,cont’d):
Ok not that suspicious,but I know she wants something
from me.Why else would she be hear.The Transit papers!!
No,that’s the only kind of plot twist they use in David Fincher
movies.Maybe she is coming on to me.Ok maybe she wants my money.
Rick is interupted by the bartender.
Bartender:
Here go you sir.
Rick:
Ah Charlie is was in the moment.
Bartender:
My name isn’t.....
Rick:
The moment Charlie.
The bartender walks away slowly.
Rick (v.o.):
Now where was I?Damn.
Int.-Rick’s Office
Rick sits in his chair smoking a cigarette waiting for someone to come in.The Amanda walks in.
Rick(v.o.):
I knew it.
Amanda looks sexy and a little bit of steam comes from her.The film noir/murder mystery music begins to play again.
Amanda:
Hello Rick.
Rick:
What do you want Amanda?
Amanda:
I just wanted to see how we were doing.
Maybe give you some “Company.”
Rick(v.o.):
She is coming on to me.
Rick:
Are you trying to seduce me?
Amanda:
Yes Rick I am.
Rick:
Why?
Amanda:
‘Cuz I love you!I want you back Rick.
Rick:
Good enough for me.
Amanda runs over and jumps into Rick’s arms.They begin to do some heavy loving.Rick begins to put his hand onto Amanda’s breast.
While they are “loving”Amanda slowly brings her hand down and takes Rick’s wallet.They stop.
Amanda:
I have to go now.
Give walks away shaking her butt side to side.
Rick(v.o.):
She took my money.
As she leaves a police detective walks in.The film noir music plays.
Detective:
Oh seriously.
The music stops.
Detective:
I am Detective dingdondidaly.
Rick:
Say what?
Detective:
Call me Jay.I have heard that you have letters
of transit.
Rick(v.o.):
Why did they get David Lynch to write
this movie.
Rick:
Where are you from?
Detective:
Mulholland Drive.
Rick(v.o.):
I knew it.
Rick:
Well I don’t know what you are talking about.
Detective:
Don’t give me that crap Ricky.
The detective hops onto the desk and rubs his leg.
Rick(v.o.):
Oh my god!He’s gay!
Rick:
Ok Jay.I am not gay.
Detective:
Oh but it’s great.
Rick:
Run mother fucker!!
Rick jumps out the window and hopes onto a horse and rides off into the mist.
Fade to black.
Fade in:
Int.-White building.
A bright white room comes into a focus.The David Lynch walks in.
Lynch:
Hello my name is David Lynch.Famous
for fucking with your minds.Now I would
just like to tell you,this is the part of the movie
where it’s supposed to be confusing.Well ever since I got
fucked at the Oscars and just finished watching Mr.Deeds,I have
run out of ideas.So I have left the rest of the movie over to Adam
Sandler.
There is a long pause.
Lynch:
Just kidding.
Fade to black.
Ext.-Stretch of field
Rick is riding down a long stretch of field as he continues his story.
Rick(v.o.):
Ok so where was I?Oh yes well
I escaped from Casablanca luckily.The walls
were really starting to cave in.I think that
gay guy was coming on to me.So I jumped onto
my horse and rode off.I didn’t have time to
finish my Casablanca story,sorry about that.
Well time for a new beginning and a new story!
Farmer(o.s.):
Hey you crazy hooligan get of my
god dang property!
Rick(v.o.):
I must be in Alabama.
A farmer begins to chase Rick with his shotgun.He get’s the horse in the leg.
The horse runs a few more feat before getting it’s leg caught in a fence and falling over.”Gone with the Wind.”
Director(o.s.):
Aaand cut.
Movie crewman begin to go over and do a few things.
Director (o.s.):
Ok Frank you can get up now.
Rick does not move.
Director(o.s.):
Charlie can you go see why the hell
Frank won’t get up.
Crewman:
My name is Bill.
Director(o.s.):
I don’t care if your name is
Bill Fucking Gates,just go see
why he won’t get up.
Crewman:
Bill Fucking Gates,that’s a good
one.
The crewman walks over and shakes the actor.
Crewman:
Frank wake up.
He checks his pulse.
Crewman:
I think he’s dead.
The Director’s head FILLS FRAME.
Director:
Another one??That’s like the sixth
one!People are going to notice.
Crewman:
I didn’t.
Director:
Well the pay you to say
that.
Crewman:
He he this guy cracks
me up.
Director:
Well who else do we
have?
Crewman finds the clipboard.
Crewman:
Ummm Ian Mackellan,and
Daniel Radcliffe.
Director:
You gotta be kidding me?
Crewman:
Look for yourself.
The director gets out of his chair and takes a look.
Director:
Fine.Mackellan!
Ian Mackellan comes from behind a tree.He is wearing The Ganfalf suit.
Ian:
We must protect the ring!
Director:
I don’t need you fancy words
just get onto that horse.
Ian:
Well I was busy with Frodo.
Director:
Who the hell is Frodo?
Ian goes back behind the tree.Giggles and smooching can be heard.
Director:
Great.Radcliffe come here!
Creman:
Uh,he is at Michael Jackson’s house
for the weekend.
Director:
Why didn’t you tell me that?
Crewman:
I don’t know.
Director:
Well I guess were going
to have to close production.
(Beat)
Alright everyone,that’s a wrap!
All of the crew people turn around and cheer.They begin to party.
Close on Best Boy
He throws his shirt up into the air.As it spins it goes into slow motion and the theme from 2001:A Space Odessy begins to play.
Ext.-Space
The shirt goes into space,the music still continues to play.
A Space ship slowly comes to FILL FRAME.The ship moves slowly as it hit’s the shirt.
Int.-Space Ship
BOB SEGALL a 30 ish old man walks down a hallway in the space craft.
Bob:
Honey honey do do
do do do do.You are my friend.
ROCK JOHNSON comes from a corridor.
Rock:
Segall!
Bob suddenly stops.
Bob:
Sir?!
Rock:
Nevermind.
Bob continues to sing.
Then Bob notices something from the window.A distant figure but he can see it perfectly.
Bob:
Holy Minnasota!
Captain come quick you have to see this!
Rock runs over and looks out the window.
Rock:
I I can’t believe I am
seeing this!
Close on Figure
It is a baby Tim Burton.His hair is wacked as usual.He is surrounded by a glowing force field.
Baby Tim:
TIMMY!!
Int.-Spacecraft
Bob:
He just said Timmy.
Rock:
It looks like a baby Tim Burton.
Bob:
Who the hell is Tim Burton?
Rock:
Mars Attacks?
Bob looks at Rock stunned.
Rock:
Nevermind.What do you think we should do?
Bob:
I don’t know your the captain.
Rock:
Damn.Hmmm think Rock think.
What would my dad do in this situation?
Dissolve to white room
Rock’s dad a old drunk sits in a rocking chair.
Rock’s Dad:
Get off my property!
Int.-Spaceship
Rock looks out the window,still thinking.
Bob:
Capatain?
Rock:
You stay away from my wife!
Bob:
What captain?
Rock:
Nothing.If only I got a gift from
God!
Then Stanley Kubrick comes crashing through the roof.He is naked.
Stanley:
Sorry lads,looks like I got
a little too roudy in heaven.You see
I was.....
Bob:
Ok thank you...
Stanley:
The great director Stanley
Kubrick.
Bob:
Well if you were great then why haven’t I
ever heard of you?
Rock:
He doesn’t get out much,his favourite
movie is Battlefield Earth.
Kubrick looks at Bob with a great deal of anger.
Kubrick:
Well gents now that I’m here,what can
I do?
Rock:
Well you wrote A Space Odesssy,yes?
Kubrik:
Yes and directed.
Rock:
Ok good.Can you look out the window please.
Kubrick:
Yea sure anything.
Kubrick looks out the window.
Close on baby Burton
Baby Burton:
TIMMY!!
Int.-Space craft
After looking at this Kubrick almost faints.
Rock:
Whoa horsey,you ok Stanley?
Kubrick looks a little air headed.
Kubrick:
Me?Yea you just go back to what you were
doing.
Rock:
Right.
Bob:
Well I think we should try to blast are selves
into baby Burton.
Rock:
It may be the only way!
Kubrick what do you think of this?
Kubrick:
Me?Well what’s with all the questions?
Geez can’t a man get a little
respect?
Rock:
Yes or No.
Kubrick:
Yea sure why not?
Rock:
Ok then.Charlie start the engines!
Bob:
My name is Bob.
Rock:
Oh would you shut up and do
it?!
Bob (walking away):
I I sir.Ya fucking maroon.
Int.-Front of Space Craft
Bob straps himself to the seat.He flicks some switches.
Bob:
Alright were about to go in
only a matter of minutes.
Kubrick (o.s.):
Hey you wanna see my
weiner?
Rock(v.o.):
No thanks I’ve already
seen enough.
Kubrick(v.o.):
Fine!
Bob:
Boy I can’t wait to get home.
Ext.-Back of the Ship
The huge exaughst pipes rest silently.Then a huge roar of fire comes out and the spaceship heads towards Baby Burton
Pov.-Baby Burton
He sees the spaceship coming towards in fast.
Back to scene
Baby Burton:
TIMMY!
The space ship stops as the force field is in the way.The space ship then falls straight down.Baby Burton looks on.
Baby Burton:
TIMMY!
Ext.-Land of Apes.
A beautiful land comes to FILL FRAME.It looks exactly like the land of Oz.Short people in funny looking suits are going amongst there buisness.There faces aren’t reviled but there necks have a lot of hair.
Close on Sky
A falling object can be seen coming down from the sky.As it gets closer to filling the frame,it can now be known it is the space craft.
Ext.-Land of Apes.
Out of the dust a witch appears before everyone.
Whitch:
He he he he.You fools I have you
trapped now!
These midget people’s faces are now reviled,they are apes.
All of the apes gasp in horror.
Ape 1:
What will we do?
Then the space craft lands right on top of the witch,sqwishing her.
Apes:
Yay!Wha hoo!
The smoke begins to clear away as Rock,Bob,and Kubrick(still naked)come out of the space craft.
Bob:
Where the hell are we?
Ape:
Why you are in the land of
Ape.
Rock:
It looks more like the Land of Oz.
Kubrick:
What you say about me?
Rock:
Nothing.
Ape:
Well you have done a great dead.
Rock:
Let me guess we killed a witch.
Apes(looking puzzled):
Yea,your right.
Rock:
Yea I had a funny feeling.
Ape:
Well since you three have done a great deed
we will introduce are land with a song.
Bob:
Oh no we don’t need a song.
Rock:
Look we don’t have time for short
midgets crossed over with apes sinning
us a song.
Ape:
But we must.
Kubrick:
I don’t think were in deep space any
more Toto.
Bob:
Yea we figured that from the start.
But who’s asking?
Alright that's all I have written.
What do ya think?
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