The Demension Room Part Of The First Episode

[Lexell Studios]

Okay heres a part of THE DEMENSION ROOM thats the title I chose.
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FADE IN:

OPENING CREDITS

(We see a small white house in the middle of nowhere.)

INT.HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY

(We see a women with light-brown hair and ocean blue eyes standing there chopping onions for her salad,her name is Beth, she cut's her index finger.)

Beth
Ah DAMN it

(The women walks over to the sink and sticks her bloddy finger underneath the faucet and turns it on. After a few seconds she turns off the water, drys her finger, she walks out of the kitchen. After she leaves a dead man starts to appear right out of thin air, he looks like judging from his clothes he worked on trains in the 1940's, he takes the salad and then slowly disappears. The women walks back in the kitchen,wearing a Band-aid.She looks at the plate where the salad was,with a puzzled expression on her face.)

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT.BEDROOM-NIGHT

(The women has all her lights on in her room, she's laying in bed reading a book, but it looks like a diary, the lights go out,Beth looks around sprised and scared.
The lights turn back on, we here some gigling from outside in the hall, then we hear a man's voice.)

Male voice
Shh be quiet..

(Beth gets out of bed and peeks outside her bedroom,she see's nothing,she walks back to her bed and sits on it,she does not go to sleep.

INT.LIVING ROOM-EVENING

(The women goes around lighting all the candles with a book of matches, she sets down a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, turns on the T.V, then walks into the kitchen.)

INT.KITCHEN-EVENING

Beth
Where's my salad? Where's my salad? C'mon where is it?

(The women walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room.)

INT.DINING ROOM-EVENING

(On the dining room table we see the salad, along with gold plates and silverware, and napkins.)

(We hear the doorbell ring, the women rushes out of the room to answer it.)

INT.FRONT HALLWAY-EVENING

(The women answers the door and see's an old couple.)

Beth
MOM, DAD!!! so nice to see you

Mom
Nice to see you to Beth

Dad
How ya doing doll

(Beth runs up and hugs her dad,and mom.)

Beth
Come on in, the other guests should be arriving soon.

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Well thats all I have right now, anyway later on in the script when the party shows up the dead people turn the house into one BIG poltergeist.

Tell me your thoughts
Lex



[This message has been edited by Lexell Studios (edited 07-22-2002).]

[Lexell Studios]

Please just dont read my script, I thought I would of gotten a post or two by now. You know now I have finally written an original script and nobody posts. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/frown.gif

[This message has been edited by Lexell Studios (edited 07-22-2002).]

[Tuukka]

"FADE IN:
OPENING CREDITS

(We see a small white house in the middle of nowhere.)

INT.HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY

(We see a women with light-brown hair and ocean blue eyes standing there chopping onions for her salad, she cut's her index finger.)"

RE: Don't bother to write descriptions like "light-brown hair and ocean blue eyes", unless they have some meaning to the script. Does those two attributes define her character in any way? No, I don't think so. But you should give the woman a NAME.

"Women
Ah DAMN it

(The women walks over to the sink and sticks her bloddy finger underneath the faucet and turns it on. After a minute or two she turns off the water,"

RE: Are you going to show the woman a minute or two washing her finger? It would get kind of boring. Remove this description of time period from your script.

"drys her finger, she walks out of the kitchen in search of a band-aid."

RE: How do you show visually that she is searching for a band-aid? Don't tell us, SHOW us. You have to tell things VISUALLY.

"After she leaves a dead man starts to appear right out of thin air, he looks like judging from his clothes he worked on trains in the 1940's"

RE: This is not a very precice description. How did those people dress? Does this detail have meaning to the script? If so, then tell more in detail how he looks like.

"he takes the salad and then slowly disappears. The women walks back in the kitchen."

RE: Does she have the band-aid now? This could be a good point to mention it, because now you can show it VISUALLY.

"Women
Hmm thats weird, another salad missing!
Well at this rate I'll never get my salad done."

RE: Does the woman always talk to herself? A bit loose in the head? It feels unnatural for her to say something like this. Just write down that she looks at the plate where the salad was, with a puzzled expression on her face. That's what a real person would do.

"FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT.HOUSE-BEDROOM-NIGHT

(The women has all her lights on in her room, she's laying in bed reading a book, but it looks like a diary, the lights go out.)

Women
Whoa, the lights went out, wheres my flashlight?"

RE: Again talking to herself? She could just look around surprised, like a real person would.

"(The lights turn back on, we here some gigling from outside in the hall, then we hear a man's voice.)

Male voice
Shhh do you want to wake up the owner of this house, we already stole her salads, lights went out, what else does she need to figure out were living here.

Women(Whispering)
Oh my GOD!!"

RE: The ghost is not talking in a natural mnner. He is explaining in detail what they have done so far, which is not what people normally do. You don't need him to say that. The audience already knows he stole the sallad. The audience already assumes that the ghosts turned off the lights. So you are telling the audience something they already know. Alwaus avoid repetition. The man could simply say in a quite tone "Shhh... Be quiet". That is enough.

As for the woman. She has not yet seen the ghosts. But she hears a giggling and talk in the other room in the middle of a night. NATURALLY she assumes that there are people in her house. So what would a REAL person do? She goes to the door of course, and takes a peek. She should be afraid, because the people on the other room are most likely burglars. That's what a real person would assume. She might be too afraid to take a peek. Instead she would go out of the window to a nearest neighbour to call for a police. She DOES NOT continue reading or sleeping. You have to LOGICALLY think what a REAL person would do in this situation.

"INT.HOUSE-LIVING ROOM-EVENING

Women
The guests will be here any minute!!"

RE: talking to herself again?

"(The women goes around lighting all the candles with a book of matches, she sets down a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, turns on the T.V, then walks into the kitchen.)"

RE: This already shows that she is expecting visitors. You don't need her to actually SAY it. Again, you are being repetitive.

"INT.HOUSE-KITCHEN-EVENING

Women
Where's my salad? Where's my salad? C'mon where is it?

(The women walks out of the kitchen and into the dining room.)

INT.HOUSE-DINING ROOM-EVENING

(On the dining room table we see the salad, along with gold plates and silverware, and napkins.)

Women
Oh now I remember, I set the salad on the dining room table, dont want to lose my mind."

The salad disapperead the day before. She didn't remember this anymore? Now it's suddenly back, and she is not surprised? She heard people talking in the other room during the night, and she doesn't remember? Is she demented? Or crazy? She is not acting logically.

"(We hear the doorbell ring, the women rushes out of the room to answer it.)

INT.HOUSE-FRONT HALLWAY-EVENING

(The women answers the door and see's an old couple.)

Women
MOM, DAD!!! so nice to see you

Mom
Nice to see you to Beth

Dad
How ya doing doll

Beth
Daddy!!"

RE: You don't need "Daddy!", because she already shouted "Dad!". Avoid repetition.

"(Beth runs up and hugs her dad,and mom.)

Beth
Come on in, the other guests should be arriving soon."

RE: I made a lot of negative corrections. Don't worry about it, I know you are only 12, so you have lot's of time to improve.

[Zing!]

Lex - a few tips to help out your script. First off, a dictionary is a screenwriter's best friend. I realize that this is a rough first draft, but if you were to run a spell check on it, some mistakes might go uncorrected, such as:

WOMEN is plural meaning more than one woman. It should read "...the woman walks over to the sink..."

Also, you don't really need to include what structure the action is taking place in. For example: INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY. Since it says INT. we understand that the scene is taking place inside. You can then just say KITCHEN and the reader will infer that it is taking place in a home. If more detail than that is necessary to describe the surroundings, then use descriptive narrative to convey that.

Also - If I were a producer for a studio I would be looking to be sucked into your story by the first few pages. This is going to be something along the lines of 'The Twilight Zone' right? Then you might want to consider building the suspense more. Instead of a disappearing salad (yaaaawn...) have the poltergeists take something that has a more profound effect on her - something personal that would affect her emotionally.

Hope this helps - good luck! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[Lexell Studios]

Thanks everyone for the help http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif I'll go through and make the changes, then come back and read it, dont worry Zing when I post the rest of the script the poltergeist do more then steal the best valuable in the house, the rest of the party turn into........ Well dont wanna give away the ending, just wanna say you aint read nothing yet. It gets scarier or at least more suspensful.
Lex

[Lexell Studios]

Hello? anybody else that dares to read my script (Joking) http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif Okay schmoes this is my first script ever thats an original I need Critisism I need schmoes to help me out!!!!!!!
Lex

p.s I will post the rest of the script soon