areyoubeingserved
07-21-2002, 04:01 AM
This is my beatiful piece of work I like to call HOOLAH, either that or Jenny. Please do enjoy, but you'll have to work for it. Work for it.
THE HOOLAH PROJECT
OR
THE WINTER IN THE LION
OR
LEARNING TO LOVE BOTH ART AND REMORSE
By
Eeeeeek Van Dyke Face
TITLE: 2012
INT. OFFUCE LOBBY – MID MORNING
A man with an oversized beard for his slim stature, HENRY JAMES, sits on a leather waiting lounge reading a fresh newspaper, rapidly turning through the pages.
A a plain secreterial woman wearing a name tag reading BRUCE, sits in front of HENRY behind a counter.
BRUCE leans over the counter, revealing her rueful cleavage.
BRUCE
He’ll see you now.
HENRY
He will?
BRUCE
He will.
HENRY
Now?
BRUCE
Yes, now.
HENRY
Good, good. Thank you... Bruce.
HENRY folds in his paper and leaves it behind him on the overly expensive lounge.
As he puts down the paper he takes out a pair of black glasses and slides them on.
HENRY
What a blur, what a fucking blur.
He walks feverishly.
INT. OFFICE SPACE – CONTINUOUS
HENRY enters the furiously busy office space cautiously, making his way across the room as if it was a mind field. He enters a separate office.
INT. SEPARATE OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
A short, balding man in a white suit, MILFORD PENSICK, sits behind a cramped desk sigining minature documents. He looks up when HENRY walks in.
MILFORD
Who are you?
HENRY
I’m here for the application of the occupation.
MILFORD
Are you mad?
HENRY
No.
MILFORD
I asked you whom you were not why you were here.
HENRY
Oh, pardon me, my name is Henry James.
MILFORD
Excellent, I'm Milford Pensick, sit down.
HENRY
I’m afraid there aren’t any seats.
MILFORD
Too true, too true. On the carpet then.
HENRY takes his place on the floor.
MILFORD (CONTINUED)
So, why are you here?
HENRY
My name is Henry James.
MILFORD
I like your style, kid. I like it a lot. Lets have dinner.
INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING
MILFORD and HENRY sit at a table eating pasta and a little chicken and drinking copious amounts of red wine. A waiter hovers over them with a cloth on his arm.
MILFORD
I do enjoy having dinner.
INT. SEPARATE OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
MILFORD and HENRY are in the same positions as before.
MILFORD
Now, where were we?
HENRY
I’m not quite sure.
MILFORD
You were about to tell me why you are here.
HENRY
Indeed, I’m here to answer to a newspaper advertisement I read in today’s copy of The National Tribune.
HENRY takes out a newspaper and throws it on MILFORD’s desk in a rather unneccessarily violent manner. The particular advertisement is circled in red, numerous times.
The ADVERTISEMENT reads
“Wanted ONE Bounty Hunter for the international capture of Sir David Niven. Enquire with the Board of Statistics.”
MILFORD
Ah, I see. Well that’s all fine and well, but it’s a real shame because we didn’t place that ad in there.
HENRY
This is the National Bureau of Statistics?
MIFLORD
No, this is the National Board of Status.
HENRY
Oh, I see.
MILFORD
Indeed you do, with your eyes.
MILFORD lets out a chortled spurt of laughter.
HENRY
That was awful.
MILFORD
Yes, I suppose it was.
HENRY
Well, I suppose you don’t need a bounty hunter then.
MILFORD
No not particularly.
HENRY
Oh, that’s too bad then. And I suppose you don’t want me to capture Sir David Niven.
MILFORD
Well, actually, we were thinking about it but that’s really the National Bureau of Statistics area. So, no, not really…
HENRY
Well, I better be off then.
MILFORD
Well, we do need someone to capture Richard Burton.
HENRY
Oh no, that will not do, not at all.
MILFORD
Peter O'Toole?
HENRY
Perhaps… Oh no, I really did have my heart set on Niven.
MILFORD
Well you in luck because The National Bureau of Statistics is only in the next office, so you should be right.
HENRY
Thank you.
HENRY leaves, paper in hand.
INT. OFFICE SPACE – CONTINUOUS
HENRY walks out of the office and looks down at the next door, it reads NATIONAL BEREAU OF STATISTICS.
HENRY walks in.
INT. STATISTICS OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
MILFORD too sits in this office, HENRY is taken aback but then accepts it.
HENRY
You’re here too.
MILFORD
I’m a workaholic, what can I say? If employment came in liquid form I would most likely inject it into my veins.
HENRY
Do I have the job?
MILFORD
Not from me you don’t, I’m just the janitor.
HENRY
Are you insane?
MILFORD
Yes, quite.
MILFORD gets up and leaves, as he does a handsome man, PALMER EVISTON, makes his entry.
EVISTON
Hi, I’m Palmer Eviston, the director of the National Bureau of Statisitics, and you are?
HENRY
Henry James.
EVISTON
Lovely, lovely. Are you the bounty hunter?
HENRY
Indeed I am.
EVISTON
Excellent, excellent. Right welcome to The Hoolah Project.
HENRY
What?
EVISTON
Common response, if you want to be the bounty hunter you’ll be taking part in the new government initiative, Hoolah.
HENRY
Of course I will be.
EVISTON
Exactly.
EVISTON sits at the desk, presumably his, and attends his work.
HENRY stands awkwardly.
HENRY
Um, if you don't mind me asking what exactly does all this involve.
EVISTON
Involve? I think the word you're looking for is evolve.
HENRY
No, involve.
And that's all your getting, and that's all I'm writing. I think we have a winner for BEST PERIOD PIECE, BEST OFFAL COMEDY and BEST CHARACTER WITH LESBIAN TENDENCIES. Yes. that's right me! Work for it.
THE HOOLAH PROJECT
OR
THE WINTER IN THE LION
OR
LEARNING TO LOVE BOTH ART AND REMORSE
By
Eeeeeek Van Dyke Face
TITLE: 2012
INT. OFFUCE LOBBY – MID MORNING
A man with an oversized beard for his slim stature, HENRY JAMES, sits on a leather waiting lounge reading a fresh newspaper, rapidly turning through the pages.
A a plain secreterial woman wearing a name tag reading BRUCE, sits in front of HENRY behind a counter.
BRUCE leans over the counter, revealing her rueful cleavage.
BRUCE
He’ll see you now.
HENRY
He will?
BRUCE
He will.
HENRY
Now?
BRUCE
Yes, now.
HENRY
Good, good. Thank you... Bruce.
HENRY folds in his paper and leaves it behind him on the overly expensive lounge.
As he puts down the paper he takes out a pair of black glasses and slides them on.
HENRY
What a blur, what a fucking blur.
He walks feverishly.
INT. OFFICE SPACE – CONTINUOUS
HENRY enters the furiously busy office space cautiously, making his way across the room as if it was a mind field. He enters a separate office.
INT. SEPARATE OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
A short, balding man in a white suit, MILFORD PENSICK, sits behind a cramped desk sigining minature documents. He looks up when HENRY walks in.
MILFORD
Who are you?
HENRY
I’m here for the application of the occupation.
MILFORD
Are you mad?
HENRY
No.
MILFORD
I asked you whom you were not why you were here.
HENRY
Oh, pardon me, my name is Henry James.
MILFORD
Excellent, I'm Milford Pensick, sit down.
HENRY
I’m afraid there aren’t any seats.
MILFORD
Too true, too true. On the carpet then.
HENRY takes his place on the floor.
MILFORD (CONTINUED)
So, why are you here?
HENRY
My name is Henry James.
MILFORD
I like your style, kid. I like it a lot. Lets have dinner.
INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING
MILFORD and HENRY sit at a table eating pasta and a little chicken and drinking copious amounts of red wine. A waiter hovers over them with a cloth on his arm.
MILFORD
I do enjoy having dinner.
INT. SEPARATE OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
MILFORD and HENRY are in the same positions as before.
MILFORD
Now, where were we?
HENRY
I’m not quite sure.
MILFORD
You were about to tell me why you are here.
HENRY
Indeed, I’m here to answer to a newspaper advertisement I read in today’s copy of The National Tribune.
HENRY takes out a newspaper and throws it on MILFORD’s desk in a rather unneccessarily violent manner. The particular advertisement is circled in red, numerous times.
The ADVERTISEMENT reads
“Wanted ONE Bounty Hunter for the international capture of Sir David Niven. Enquire with the Board of Statistics.”
MILFORD
Ah, I see. Well that’s all fine and well, but it’s a real shame because we didn’t place that ad in there.
HENRY
This is the National Bureau of Statistics?
MIFLORD
No, this is the National Board of Status.
HENRY
Oh, I see.
MILFORD
Indeed you do, with your eyes.
MILFORD lets out a chortled spurt of laughter.
HENRY
That was awful.
MILFORD
Yes, I suppose it was.
HENRY
Well, I suppose you don’t need a bounty hunter then.
MILFORD
No not particularly.
HENRY
Oh, that’s too bad then. And I suppose you don’t want me to capture Sir David Niven.
MILFORD
Well, actually, we were thinking about it but that’s really the National Bureau of Statistics area. So, no, not really…
HENRY
Well, I better be off then.
MILFORD
Well, we do need someone to capture Richard Burton.
HENRY
Oh no, that will not do, not at all.
MILFORD
Peter O'Toole?
HENRY
Perhaps… Oh no, I really did have my heart set on Niven.
MILFORD
Well you in luck because The National Bureau of Statistics is only in the next office, so you should be right.
HENRY
Thank you.
HENRY leaves, paper in hand.
INT. OFFICE SPACE – CONTINUOUS
HENRY walks out of the office and looks down at the next door, it reads NATIONAL BEREAU OF STATISTICS.
HENRY walks in.
INT. STATISTICS OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
MILFORD too sits in this office, HENRY is taken aback but then accepts it.
HENRY
You’re here too.
MILFORD
I’m a workaholic, what can I say? If employment came in liquid form I would most likely inject it into my veins.
HENRY
Do I have the job?
MILFORD
Not from me you don’t, I’m just the janitor.
HENRY
Are you insane?
MILFORD
Yes, quite.
MILFORD gets up and leaves, as he does a handsome man, PALMER EVISTON, makes his entry.
EVISTON
Hi, I’m Palmer Eviston, the director of the National Bureau of Statisitics, and you are?
HENRY
Henry James.
EVISTON
Lovely, lovely. Are you the bounty hunter?
HENRY
Indeed I am.
EVISTON
Excellent, excellent. Right welcome to The Hoolah Project.
HENRY
What?
EVISTON
Common response, if you want to be the bounty hunter you’ll be taking part in the new government initiative, Hoolah.
HENRY
Of course I will be.
EVISTON
Exactly.
EVISTON sits at the desk, presumably his, and attends his work.
HENRY stands awkwardly.
HENRY
Um, if you don't mind me asking what exactly does all this involve.
EVISTON
Involve? I think the word you're looking for is evolve.
HENRY
No, involve.
And that's all your getting, and that's all I'm writing. I think we have a winner for BEST PERIOD PIECE, BEST OFFAL COMEDY and BEST CHARACTER WITH LESBIAN TENDENCIES. Yes. that's right me! Work for it.