begining of vampire script, please read!!!!

[The Lizard King]

This is my first script, i put a plot synopsis in another topic if your curious.
I know its alot of discriptive stuff but please read and give your honest opinion.

Gregory

EXT.DAY
At an old abandoned mining zone in rural Pennsylvania, 4 men are seen dragging a sqirming mass behind them. Strange animal-like screams are heared coming from their unusual cargo. They are dragging a tall slender humanoid bound in large chains and other restraints, a large mask of metal slighty muffles his inhuman crys. They stop at the old mine shaft and on the count of 3, hurl their bundle down the shaft. He screams even louder as he crashes to the bottum with a thud.
2 DAYS PASS,DAY

A dusty hobo named SAM wanders pass the mine shaft, he hums "Light my Fire" and is startled by the sudden scream from down below.

SAM-"Holy shit!!!...What the hell!?!"

He looks down and spys the masked man, he drops the large camping pack hes wearing and takes out a long rope and a hatchet.

MINUTES LATER

SAM is seen climbing out of the mine shaft panting and weezing, the now freed man climbs out after him, he is stillwearing the mask.

SAM-(panting)"Shit, shit....shit"

MASKED MAN-"Im so hungry..."

SAM-"What the hell happened to you man!?! You all right?....damn..."

MASKED MAN-"I am fine...hungry...were is the nearest town?

SAM-"Hey man i got some sandwiches in my pack, no shit yer probably hungry, how long were you down there?!?"

The man ignores him.

MASKED MAN-"Nearest town...where?"

Sam sits down and pulls a book out of his pack, it says SAM in handwritten letters on the inside cover. The book is blank, a journal, he writes July 18, 2002, then underlines it. Sam keeps a journal of interesting things he occurs along the road.

MASKED MAN-"I am hungry, I need the nearest town!"

This time when the masked man speaks he sounds more animal than human. The hair on the back of Sams neck stands up, he trys to look into his eyes but can only see darkness behind the narrow slits in the mask.

SAM-"Uhh, DuBois is about half-a-mile that way(points left), fairly small place, yer standard McDonalds, gas stations and what-not."

The masked man aknowleges him with a nod. He then walks to a lage rock pile and picks up the largest onehe can find. He begins to bash himself in the head repeatedly with the rock, Sam looks on in fear and amazement.

SAM-"Hey..you need some help...?"

He continues to smash his head until the mask finally cracks in two. He romoves both halves and throws them to the ground, a slight dusk kicking up around him, Sam closes his journal, having never wrote a word, and stares at the man. He turns around, Sam screams. He is completely bald and very pale, he has no lips, just a long horizontal slit stretching across his face, two fangs, so big they could almost be called tusks, jut out from his mouth. The thing that catches Sam's eye though are his eyes, to black lifeless eyes like a sharks eyes.

Sam-"FUCKING CHRIST!!"

In a flash the man pounces on him, ripping his heart out and throwing it down the shaft. His long teeth then sink into his skull with a crunching sound. He wipes the blood from his mouth, a smile on his face. He spys the journal is about to throw it down the shaft too, but decides against it. He looks at the journal and gives a small chuckle, he scribbles out Sam on the inside cover and writes in fancy cursive writing "Gregory".

OPENING CREDITS ROLL

Well what do you think? To discriptive? To quick? Not enough dialog? Any critism is helpfull.



[This message has been edited by The Lizard King (edited 07-21-2002).]

[Hobb's End Horror]

I'd like to offer some constructive criticism...(I have a soft spot for scripts about vampires)but, I'd need to know what kind of a tone you're going for, how it fits in, etc. I looked around, and found an earlier post that was (I guess) about this, but there's not enough to really gauge. Either post a more detailed overview,(a little more in-depth), or send me an e-mail. I'd like to hear about it. Interesting things can be done with unusual ideas. This looks like it's a little further out than most. For some reason, what I've read reminds of a more morbid THE KEEP. I think you could have something here.

[This message has been edited by Hobb's End Horror (edited 07-21-2002).]

[syxxpac]

I love it! Gregory is da man...err...vampire. However, more dialog between the guys at the very first would be a little better. Like maybe they can discuss, but not in full detail for the audience to figure out everything, what they're doing and why they're doing it. Great stuff though, but I don't think Gregory should be invincible, but maybe just VERY tough to kill, like most horror icons. That would make him a little more relatable to the audience in a human sort of way, because he is the main character right?

[PhantomRhyter]

Lizard King,

Your opening is done really well. Is this the script for an idea talked about where the vampire takes over a small town? The one where he cannot die? If so have you considered any more on the idea that 'Gregory' is actually a Nephilim (half human --half fallen angel hybrid)? Have you considered the suggetion that even 'Gregory' himself is not really sure as to what he actually is (sort of like all the time of his existence has imbued a sort of amnesia on him)? If so, the name of your character 'Gregory' will fit really well with the Nephilim legends, as one of the names for the Watchers (the original fallen angels who were the fathers of the Nephilim) was 'Grigori', so his name would likely have been derived from that.

Anyway, your opening is really creepy, only I would have the first scene where the miners throw Gregory down the mine shaft in like the 1700s and then now 300 years later the hobo finds him and sets him free. Also "The Man in the Iron Mask" touch is really nice and creepy too (ironically enough, I watched that film just last night). Good work!

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[This message has been edited by PhantomRhyter (edited 07-21-2002).]

[TheFrost]

A bit....sick.....poor Sam http://www.joblo.com/ubb/frown.gif

[The Lizard King]

I guess the tone is supposed to be really dark, with some dark humor, kind of depressing. PhantomRhyter, i took your advice!! I made it so hes been alive so long he cant remember things well, thats why he took the journal, so he can keep a record of some sort of his memorys. Im tryin to think of some weaknesses that greory has, if you can think of any id like to know. Yea i agree syxxpac, needs more dialog in the begining. Thanks for the advice, keep it commin!! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[The Lizard King]

bump, if get script done in time may enter into the contest

[PhantomRhyter]

Lizard King,

Great to here it brother! I think that this whole thing is going to be the 'new wave' in the genre. You know, I have had your story on my mind all day today (see, I'm already haunted by it--I might add that I'm a tad bit jealous too! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif ). Anyway, I keep seeing your character 'Gregory' being a victim of his own dementia resulting from the immense span of time he has dwelt on the earth and his own evil nature.

His biggest weakness, as I see him, is in his own inability to conclusively figure out his own identity. He wonders for example (maybe someone asks him about his name) 'How did I come to be called Gregory?'. Was it because centuries ago, someone again seeing him and combatting him referred to him as 'Grigori' (another ancient term used to describe the fallen angels)? Lately he's been wondering if he is in fact a 'vampire'-- whatever one of those may be-- but what someone, who again locked in combat with him, referred to hiim as such.

See, this creature's whole identity thus far has been defined through ages and aeons by those who were his enemies and added to this discouraging fact (for him anyway) is that all of these have been mere mortal men who live, die and pass on, lost in ancient memory. His simply is what he is, but what is that when the terminology keeps changing from century to century as he encounters new human enemies with new names to call him by.

See, he's just evil plain and simple, but he is defined by each passing age with a new set of terms. After a few centuries of this, coupled with a few traumatic experiences (namely imprisonments in caves, mineshafts and maybe even the REAL reason why the Great Pyramid at Giza was built?) he's sort of suffering an identity crisis so to speak.

One day, he happens upon a Bible and reads the part where God tells Moses 'I am that I am' and so 'Gregory' sort of decides the same thing. That he is like this God who speaks to Moses, so he starts this business about wanting to rule a town (?). Anyway, here it would be interesting if a FRIEND came to visit him. One he COULD NOT smash or kill, one who was as tough, and as IMMORTAL as him (?) One who had the answers to the questions 'Gregory' has about his past and his identity, and one all too willing to help him remember.

Anyway, these are just some thoughts you can consider and use if you want to. In a way, I'd hate to see you enter this one into the Schmoe contest, cause mainly that contest is for short film scripts (or at least I think thats the case) Anyway, I'd like to see this one developed into a full length version. It's way cool and classic man, I wish you consider it as a feature leangth film!

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[The Lizard King]

Thank you very much sir!!

He takes over the town to prove a point i guess, he gets the idea at a cattle ranch, how the humans just breed the cattle then kill them for food. Gregory just wants to show that hes better then all the humans, been around longer, their just little punk kids. How theyre so stupid and weak that some will obey his every command just so he dosnt kill them. I dont know if everything about him will be revield by the end, but i did think up this groovy twist thing...

Im gonna make it feature length and see if it gets done before the contest, if its not done im not gonna worry about it, dont wanna rush.

[PhantomRhyter]

Lizard King,

I am all for your script and everything, but would you be interested in trying to write this as a novel too? Maybe if you broke the ground with it as a novel, you'd get more interest in the script? Just a thought.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[The Lizard King]

naahh, to much work haha