tell me what you think...

[actressgirl_05]

This is what I have so far of my newest screenplay. Tell me what you think. I'll accept any kind of criticism, good or bad.

This Lonely Stretch of Road

By Kristin Wolf

EXT. COUNTRY FIELD-DAY

Beautiful country is displayed as far as the eye can see. The Iowa corn
is getting taller. Birds fly in the endless sky, not knowing where
they’re going, just knowing something is there. The camera shows an old
barn that appears dilapidated, almost a pile of lumber lying in a long
forgotten field. Sitting at the base of the barn, rests an old 1948
Plymouth Special Deluxe. It is in appalling condition. It looks as
though it has seen the worst of times. TIM RICHARDS, 32, comes into the
shot. He looks down at the car with a sort of sadness that doesn’t
belong in Iowa.

TIM (VO)
It is a well known fact, that once a human
reaches a certain age, he has seen everything.
It is also pretty well known, that no other
thing, living or inanimate, can have wisdom.
This theory, is one of many that I do not
believe.

The shot fixes on Tim. He looks up at the sky and grins.

TIM (VO)
Take this car for example. This car has seen the
lives of many people, including me. It was, at
one time, a luxurious car. Now, well, now it’s
just a pile of scrap metal. Something that is an
elder among many living things in this area. But
I’m sure if this car were alive, it wouldn’t
trade a minute of it’s time on earth. Not for
all the world.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. 1948 CAR LOT-DAY

TITLE CARD: 1948

Many people stand on the lot, checking out cars. The camera focuses on a
man who is wearing a brown fidora, brown pants, a white shirt and
suspenders. This man is FRED TRUMAN, 23. He has brown hair (hidden under
the hat) and brown eyes. He looks at the lot filled with cars like a kid
in a candy store. FRANK ALLEN, 35, owner of the car dealership,
approaches Fred.

FRANK
May I help you with anything?

FRED
Yes, thank you. I would like to know, what is
your biggest, absolute best car you have on
display here?

FRANK
I’m glad you asked that, sir, you are the first
today.

They approach a sky blue Plymouth Special Deluxe, the same one from the
introduction, except, of course, it’s brand new.

FRANK (cont.)
This...this, right here, is the newest model.
This is a Plymouth Special Deluxe. Now, it comes
fully loaded, got a radio and everything.

FRED
A radio? That’s a pretty rare feature. Sorry,
but this is probably too expensive for my taste.
Although, I must admit, it is very sharp.

FRANK
No, no, no, no, no. First of all, sharp doesn’t
even begin to describe this. Second, this
automobile is not expensive at all. Most of the
machines you see on this lot cost about
eight-hundred dollars. This, this I’m willing to
take five-hundred.

FRED
What if I was to tell you I was in the war and
I’ve got the gunshot wound to prove it?

FRANK
I might be willing to settle for four-fifty.

FRED
Damnit. Look, I really need this car. I can’t go
walking around town for the rest of my life. I
want to get away for awhile, but I have no car.
So, you’re telling me for this piece of shit
that won’t last for twenty or more years, that
you’re charging $450? You’re a sick bastard
Frank. I think I might go to Dave’s and see if
he’s got this car cheaper.

FRANK
No, no, no don’t do that! Look, I’ll cut you a
deal. How much do you have to spend for this?

FRED
Three-hundred.

FRANK
Alright! Three-hundred is good, three-hundred is
great. Just please, do not go to Dave. He is a
lying, careless ass that needs to be sodomized.

FRED
Okay, calm down there satan. So, can I just pay
for that now?

FRANK
You have the money on you?

FRED
Yeah, I was actually planning on leaving tonight
if I got a car.

FRANK
Wow, you really can’t wait to get out of this
town can you?

FRED
You have no idea.

A family gather’s behind Frank and wait patiently for him to answer
their questions about another car.

FRED
Let me just, take a look inside. In the mean
while, I think you’ve got some customers behind
you that you need to take care of.

Frank turns around and greets his new customers with a courteous smile.
Fred climbs into the car.

INT. PLYMOUTH SPECIAL DELUXE-DAY

Fred sits and looks around for a second. It is a roomy, and wide open
cab. The clock on the dashboard has an hour hand and a minute hand. For
a second he plays with the air flow lever. He takes a look behind
himself and he can see Frank backing away from the family. He quickly
whips out his money, a big wad of bills. He counts out three-hundred
dollars, and make’s sure it’s mostly in small bills, to make himself
look as poor as he made himself out to be. Just as Frank reaches the
window, Fred has successfully placed his money back in his pocket.

FRANK
So, is that the three-hundred dollars?

FRED
Yes, all that you need.

FRANK
Alright, then I’ll get the keys and you’ll be
out on the road in no time.

CUT TO:

EXT. OPEN ROAD-DAY

Fred drives in his brand new car. The sun shines off of the paint and it
sparkles like a diamond. He has the radio turned on, and he’s listening
to “Jukebox Saturday Night,” by Glenn Miller.

How does it sound?

actressgirl_05

[TheFrost]

To me it sounds like Anerican Beauty, the opening, i can just picture Kevin Spacy talking over the top of it.

Good stuff, keep it up

[Narrator]

i image a great film to look at, ur words really set my imagination in motion, there is onyl one thing that I'm struggling with, thats the final price he haggles the car down to...
its supposedly the best car on the lot, yet its $300 less than the rest, then he gets it down to $300 easy as piss if u get me, maybe some more haggling but improve the clausibility

Im interested to see just where you are going to take this idea http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

And Kevin Spacey, American Beauty, shit I musta seen a different version of this film to you frost, the opening to beauty is set on an urban landscape!

Good work actress girl!

[James Logan]

Ain't it the newest script of my secretary... http://www.joblo.com/ubb/tongue.gif

Anyway, just wanted to say I agree with Narrator. The style is flowing, the intro catches one's interest, the dialogue fits in fine and sounds pretty realistic. Oh, and the title (THIS LONELY STRETCH OF ROAD)...I like it. I like it a lot. Keep up the good work, pretty lady.

Oh, and your real name is Kristin, huh? Nice name...has a nice ring to it. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

[The Lizard King]

i like this story, its got a dusty country feel to it, i like the title too, its fine as it is buuutt, if you were ever gonna change it you could change it to the long and winding road(i love that song!) http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[leskooper]

I like the title too...I agree that he gets teh price down too far and too easily. Where are you taking us?

C

[PhantomRhyter]

actressgirl_05,

Well, I have to say the story is starting off real well. Let us see more. As regards the way it was written, I see that you are experimenting a bit with the new style that we discussed on the thread with JustAnotherSchomoe's script. I must say I am please to see that someone else is taking it seriously.

I would now, like to draw your attention to some of the commentaries above. Notice how, most of your reviewers here stated how 'descriptive' the story line was? How the script itself conveyed both 'images' and a 'feel' to it (ie. 'sounds pretty realistic'--Logan, and 'its got a dusty country feel to it'--The Lizard King). This is what the desire of the screenplay writer should be in my opinion.

Just imagine that these reviews above are the people who will matter most in reading a script, directors, actors, production designers, even producers. The idea is to bring the 'feel', the 'imagery' of one's script to life in the minds of these people, making it more real to them, and easier to translate the 'life' of your script onto those magical scrolls of celluloid. Good job m'am!

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[actressgirl_05]

Yeah, you're right, he does seem to get a bargain really quickly now, doesn't he? Need to make a mental note to add more haggling into that.

Hey thanks for the American Beauty comment. It feels good to have my work described like an Acadamy Award winning movie.

PhantomRhyter, thanks for the insight, it was appreciated as always.

James Logan, yes, I have found I like my name. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

actressgirl_05

[Kastman]

hey acctressgirl, i like the script. with the haggling is it going to turn out that the car is completely screwed up because thats why he might be trying to sell it quickly.

[actressgirl_05]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Kastman:
hey acctressgirl, i like the script. with the haggling is it going to turn out that the car is completely screwed up because thats why he might be trying to sell it quickly. </font>

He was eager to make a sale (Dave's getting most of the sales in the town). I'll explain that later in the story.

[This message has been edited by actressgirl_05 (edited 07-21-2002).]

[Bradox]

I think you've got a good opener here, Kristen.

I'm curious to find out why Fred is in such a hurry to jump town. And I'm also wanting to know what connection Tim has with Fred, if any.

Let us see more.

[areyoubeingserved]

The voice over is shit as poo but you've got a way with words that I didn't expect. It was quite good, keep at it.

[areyoubeingserved]

The voice over is shit as poo, but you've got a way with words that stimulates something in my tiny head, I didn't expect that. It was quite good, keep at it. Peronally, however, I hate the idea of Iowa, so unless Tim goes into space soon I'm going to be asleep.

[areyoubeingserved]

The voice over is shit as poo, but you've got a way with words that stimulates something in my tiny head, I didn't expect that. It was quite good, keep at it. Peronally, however, I hate the idea of Iowa, so unless Tim goes into space soon I'm going to be asleep.

[actressgirl_05]

It doesn't completely take place in Iowa. It's just there at the beginning and the end. Most of the time it will be in Chicago. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[acid_allen]

Hey pretty good, even though i am english and i don't know what a plymouth special deluxe is, and i have no idea where or what Iowa looks like.
still, keep up the good work.

P.S I love the way you write your scripts http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif ACID http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[actressgirl_05]

Here is a little more:

EXT. GAS STATION-DUSK

Fred pulls in. A GAS STATION EMPLOYEE walks over to the car.

GAS STATION EMPLOYEE
How much do you want?

FRED
About, five dollars worth, please.

The gas station employee grabs the pump off of the receiver. He pumps
the gas into the car. A breeze comes in and shakes the leaves off of a
nearby dying tree. The pump reads $5.00 and the employee stops. Fred
pays through the window and as soon as the employee departs from Fred’s
presence, he pulls the car over to an empty parking spot. He climbs out
of the car, and enters the gas station.

INT. GAS STATION-DUSK

The inside is smoky and Fred coughs, showing his disapproval. He
approaches the front desk where the CLERK stands, smoking and looking at
a copy of LIFE magazine. The clerk has dark circles under her eyes,
indicating sleep hasn’t come easy to her lately.

FRED
Do you have a telephone here?

CLERK
Yeah, it’s right over there.

She points to a phone (a candlestick phone) that’s
sitting on the counter.

CLERK
Sorry that it’s not in a booth. Can’t really
afford one.

FRED
It’s okay. I prefer it without the booth. It
shows you care.

The clerk smiles and goes back to reading the article in the magazine.
Fred goes to the phone, picks it up, and speaks to the operator.

FRED
Hello operator? Yes, can you connect me to Bill
Dunnigan of Chambers, Vermont? Alright, I’ll
hold.

Fred looks up and sees that the clerk is now eating some black licorice.
He makes a disgusted face then goes back to his call.

INT. BILL DUNNIGAN’S HOUSE-NIGHT

The phone rings repeatedly. It is sitting on a lace covered coffee
table. A Bible sits next to it.

WANDA DUNNIGAN, a young blonde haired woman, about twenty years old,
answers the ringing phone.

WANDA
Hello?

OPPERATOR
I’m transfering a call into you.

WANDA
Alright.

There is a pause. As Wanda waits, she flips through some pages in the
Bible. She stops at Hebrews 10:34.

INSERT:

Hebrews 10:34

You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the
confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had
better and lasting possessions.

I'm afraid it's not much...but there it is. I don't think I can post much more, but oh well.

[This message has been edited by actressgirl_05 (edited 07-22-2002).]

[notchreturns]

Defienetly an interesting script, so far. BTW, I beleieve the phones are called rotary phone.

[actressgirl_05]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by notchreturns:
Defienetly an interesting script, so far. BTW, I beleieve the phones are called rotary phone.</font>

Aren't rotary phones the one's you crank with your finger?...I just found out it's called a candlestick phone. Thanks for helping out though notchreturns. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[This message has been edited by actressgirl_05 (edited 07-22-2002).]

[Bradox]

Well, Kristin, your plot is still interesting to me, but we still need to see a lot more before we can make any real judgments. I'm assuming the Scripture you included plays a role in this ....?

[PhantomRhyter]

actressgirl_05

The flow of your script seems to be going along smoothly. The suggestion in the Bible verse that 'Wanda' reads while waiting for the connection is intriguing and suggests something along the lines of 'kismet', very good touch as a foreshadowing device. Keep at it and let us see more.

BTW--&gt; You are still working on the WWI aviators project are'nt you? Hope so, that sounds like a good one too.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[actressgirl_05]

Thanks guys. And yes, PhantomRyter, I'm still working on the WWI script.

[JoeScream]

How is it a well-known fact that at a certain age we have seen everything? This is the first I have heard of such a thing! Man - I guess I might as well shoot myself now if I know there is going to be a day when nothing in this world is new to me.........

Also - you are too prosy with your descriptions. Spec. scripts need to be tight. They need to read smoothly and quickly. You might want to consider writing a novel or short story if you want to be this descriptive - which I think might suit your flair for words more.

A sadness that doesn't belong in Iowa? I live in Iowa and trust me, sadness belongs here. This is about as sad of a state you can find. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

I like where you seem to be heading - but don't make it so obvious. The voice over is unnecessary and it's a mistake I see people on here making quite a bit. You are giving away too much, at least in my opinion. Let the story build up. Let us meet the main character and grow to like him - that is what the first ten pages are for - IF this is a feature - if not well then, I need to shut up http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

Hope this helps and good luck with the rest of it - and by the way - stick with one of your ideas and finish one! I see you bringing up new ideas, working on them for a short period of time and then moving on... stick with one and see what happens!

Good luck!

JS

[actressgirl_05]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by JoeScream:
How is it a well-known fact that at a certain age we have seen everything? This is the first I have heard of such a thing! Man - I guess I might as well shoot myself now if I know there is going to be a day when nothing in this world is new to me.........

Also - you are too prosy with your descriptions. Spec. scripts need to be tight. They need to read smoothly and quickly. You might want to consider writing a novel or short story if you want to be this descriptive - which I think might suit your flair for words more.

A sadness that doesn't belong in Iowa? I live in Iowa and trust me, sadness belongs here. This is about as sad of a state you can find. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

I like where you seem to be heading - but don't make it so obvious. The voice over is unnecessary and it's a mistake I see people on here making quite a bit. You are giving away too much, at least in my opinion. Let the story build up. Let us meet the main character and grow to like him - that is what the first ten pages are for - IF this is a feature - if not well then, I need to shut up http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

Hope this helps and good luck with the rest of it - and by the way - stick with one of your ideas and finish one! I see you bringing up new ideas, working on them for a short period of time and then moving on... stick with one and see what happens!

Good luck!

JS</font>

I'm content with what I've written so far, but I thank you for your opinion.

What I mean by: It is a well known fact, that once a human reaches a certain age, he has seen everything. Is that once you're so old, you think you know everything (this is not true, it's just what the character of Tim has heard all his life. You'll find this out later in the script).

I have been to Iowa, and the part that I saw (country land outside of Iowa City) was gorgeous. I can assure you, no state is more depressing than Ohio (an exception can be made for New Mexico or Arizona).

I want to make it clear, that I have stuck to almost every idea I have come up with. I'm currently working on four scripts at once, this just is the one I've been most happy about.

I also would like to take the opportunity to tell you that I really enjoy writing descriptively. It's interesting and it gives the reader a better vision of the scenery, wardrobe, character's personalities, ect.

I'd like to thank everyone who has reviewed this (whether you liked it or not) and let you know that you are appriciated. I'd like to keep the criticism coming, folks! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

actressgirl_05

[actressgirl_05]

B
U
M
P

[The UserName]

Wow. You really blew me away with this script. It is very well written and I am definitely pulled in by what I have read and it's not even that interesting yet! I'm pretty sure that's a good thing. I really wonder what the true plot of the script is though and again, very very very good job actressgirl.

[actressgirl_05]

Okay, for those of you who are wondering what the hell I'm writing about, here's what it's basically about...

It follows the life of this car through the 40's, 50's, 60's and so on until 2002. It shows how fucked up people's lives were at times. It basically shows the biggest era's of the 20th century. It begins with a World War II vet, then moves on to a pretty much normal family until the Viet Nam War breaks out (hippy daughter). Then it goes to a Viet Nam vet and show's what it's like now that he's home. Then this homeless family wins it in a raffle. This is where Tim comes in (he's a homeless kid). They sell it to this old guy who dies in 1990. Then it's passed on to this farmer, when it finally dies in front of the farmer's barn.

I know it switches around a lot, but it's my opinion from WWII to present day. There it is folks...hope I wasn't too confusing there.

[This message has been edited by actressgirl_05 (edited 07-25-2002).]

[PhantomRhyter]

Now that's different. History as told from the point of view of a car. A Very
'Americana' sort of feel to that! Me thinks this is going to turn into a very interesting script. This is one of those ideas I wish I had thought of! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/cool.gif

Sincere Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[actressgirl_05]

BUMP

[notchreturns]

You story reminds me of The Red Violin in a way. The way we follow a object threw the years and what happened between the people and the object, but besides that little detail I really like your story. It's original and fun. And to top it off your a good writer. Good job there, babe http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[Scarface98.9]

I like your script thusfar and as many can testify, it's a hard thing to achieve. good idea for the "following history thru the eyes of a car", but be aware that one difficult thing about writing is not to make your script boring. Don't think the script is boring right now, but tread carefully because a story like this could get boring fast, like how a certain movie about a schizofrenic math genius could get boring (I thought it was, but that's another story for another day), so be weary

[actressgirl_05]

Well, I keep it in mind to not make it boring. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

BTW: It's weird that I read your reply after watching A Beautiful Mind. I like that movie, it's not too boring. Then again, I'm a big drama fan, and boring things are just cool to me. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

actressgirl_05

[LilWolf]

Good, Good, Good, Good, I like the idea and what you wrote so far. I don't think you need the voice over and I love a descriptive script, it make you feel like your right there and yours did that. I have read some of your stuff on here before and I'm not saying your a bad writer but you are getting better at this. I wish you luck with your four script and I hope there all as good as this one seems to be.

[blankpage]

This is a great script so far.The dialouge is very good and interesting.Man,I wish I could write scripts the way you do.You have improved a lot from when you first started.

The plot itself is very interesting as well.History through the eyes of a car,original and great.

Keep it up,and I hope this script does well for you.

Cheers! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

--blankpage
http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[actressgirl_05]

Thanks! It's good to know that I've improved. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

[PhantomRhyter]

actressgirl_05,

So far so good, and again I would like to draw your attention to some of the things people here are saying about the style of your script. Lil'Wolf writes that (he/she??) loves the descriptive script, that it takes the reader into the story, and that 'yours did that' (best compliment you could hope for). Imagemaker wishes he could write scripts the way you do (and he can--&gt; If we can interest him in this new technique).

You're doing really well, and I would just like to caution you to ever be on your guard that you do not get too carried away and turn what is meant to be a script into a short story or novel. Remember just provide enough of the elements of story to help the reader visualise what all is going on. Just enough 'prose' thrown into these set pieces to convey the 'spirit' or the 'feel' that the film should have.

Again, I ask you to imagine directors and actors reading scripts like this, so give them only enough to pique their own creative interests. I truly believe they can do far more to break it all down to specifics in their own arts than what some may think. Also keep in mind that this is 'our thang' (you, Just Another Schmoe, myself, and whoever may join our little 'movement in the future). Since we are the only real advocates and practicioners of this style I must again remind you that it will be totally alien in concept to the 'way things are done in Hollywood' so they're not ready to buy a script like this, but I do hope to encourage you to pursue this style as much as possible. Like JAS, you seem to have a knack for it.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[the_sneaker]

I always love to see new, fresh stuff, and this is just that. I love the idea of seeing life through the car's eyes, (if that's what you're getting at) and it's really interesting. I would like to read more. Keep it up.

!the_sneaker!

[AxeDamn]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by PhantomRhyter:
actressgirl_05,

So far so good, and again I would like to draw your attention to some of the things people here are saying about the style of your script. Lil'Wolf writes that (he/she??) loves the descriptive script, that it takes the reader into the story, and that 'yours did that' (best compliment you could hope for). Imagemaker wishes he could write scripts the way you do (and he can--&gt; If we can interest him in this new technique).

You're doing really well, and I would just like to caution you to ever be on your guard that you do not get too carried away and turn what is meant to be a script into a short story or novel. Remember just provide enough of the elements of story to help the reader visualise what all is going on. Just enough 'prose' thrown into these set pieces to convey the 'spirit' or the 'feel' that the film should have.

Again, I ask you to imagine directors and actors reading scripts like this, so give them only enough to pique their own creative interests. I truly believe they can do far more to break it all down to specifics in their own arts than what some may think. Also keep in mind that this is 'our thang' (you, Just Another Schmoe, myself, and whoever may join our little 'movement in the future). Since we are the only real advocates and practicioners of this style I must again remind you that it will be totally alien in concept to the 'way things are done in Hollywood' so they're not ready to buy a script like this, but I do hope to encourage you to pursue this style as much as possible. Like JAS, you seem to have a knack for it.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter</font>

YO! Can I join the (b) "movement" (/b)? I write really descriptively and hate it, because I know a director or an acrot would look at it, and say "This is a novel. There's no room for me to work here", but I don't give a damn because I am the director and don't seem why a screenplay should be art.

Descriptiveness, I love. I found your screenplay (Actressgirl's) much (b) easier (/b) to read than a huge number of scripts I have read, because I didn't have to make stuff up to mentally fill in the blanks a director would get paid f'kin' good money to fill in for the audience.

It's so hard to distinguish between Albert, 25, and his nemesis Nicky, 21. Where are the physical descriptions?

Don't mind my ranting and frothing at the mouth like an Australian maths teacher, but I wanna hear about the cruel, twisted mouth, the evil gleam in th eyes and the single loose strand of black hair... nobody ever talks about the bloody loose strand of hair.
http://www.joblo.com/ubb/frown.gif

[AxeDamn]

Hey, I'm learning how to quote and boldify, but I'm not an old master yet, OK people?

[PhantomRhyter]

OK, AxeDam. It took me a while to get the hang of writing for computers too. Just remember that with computers, everything is follow through. You start with either a 'b' (for bold) or an 'i' (for italics) write what is to be emphaised that way and end with a slash '/' and the corresponding letter at the end (also remember to put these commands in brackets [**] NOT parenthesises (**).

Anyway, yes, we'd love to have more join our little 'movement'. However, I'd advise that you be careful and not go too far over to the novel form, or your script will get too heavy just as Ronaldinho claims that they do. Personally, I think it is a delicate balancing act on the writers part. As a screenplay writer under the theory of this 'new school of thought', you have to include ONLY ENOUGH of the elements of the story so that directors and actors can more easily visualise what all is going on, and why.

Do not get too descriptive, and abstain from long flowery prose. Rememember that basically Ronaldinho is right, we are writing something that is not intended to be read strictly as literature, but somethig that will be seen by an audience. The only need for such story elements as we include are for the benefit of the director and actors who, reading that, will have to translate these stories to its visual and audio format. We only want to do enough to help them in that endeavour, not assign them with a course in literature appreciation.

You can check out actressgirl-05's script here and the one by JustAnother Schmoe (that one is a big thread with something like 50 replys to it --mostly me and Ronaldinho arguing-- it's titled 'Need help with a script..Title ideas, if you wanna help me post') Anyway, JAS has done a good job too of writing in this format. The thing that's really cool about JAS's script was that he was not consciously trying to come up with a new style, but being an amatuer like most of us, started out with his first script the way most of us actually do (including these elements of story) At any rate he did a farily good job in achieving that balance that I speak of too, and actressgirl_05 has demonstrated quite a knack for it herself, only this effort you are reading here, I think, she was more consciously persuing this style.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[Zed]

Hey actress_girl (Kristin):

I know I kind of late with my comments, but, I haven't notice this topic before.

Now let's see:

1. First of all, I love the introduction of the script. The very first lines seems great to me.

2. Now, about the plot.....Have you ever watch a movie called "Twenty bucks" (1993)about the history of a $20 dollars bill?. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it may be interesting to you to watch it (general culture anyway).

3. There's a line that says_
"You’re a sick bastard
Frank. I think I might go to Dave’s and see if
he’s got this car cheaper."
But that far we audience didn't know the character name or the car salesman name.
Then I might suggest a couple things:
a) Add an small introduction between Fred and Frank. The peolple who works in direct sales know (I'm in some sort of strange way I'm kinda one of them) that you ALWAYS should treat your clients by their name.
I mean, one of the Frank's first questions in a real life situation got to be a simple "what's your name?" to learn Fred's name.
b) A reference that the character is at "Frank's Car Sale" or something better -a sign of something-.
(I'm sure you can think in something better).

4. If you're interest in how a car salesman work on his clients read the second chapter of a recent book called "Coercion" wroten by Douglas Rushkoff. You maybe can find it on a Library (or let me know if you got problems to find it). It is an excellent work about how this sales are planned. It might help you for this scene and maybe others (in this and in future scripts).

5. I watch that you placed some references about camera shots in your script. Would you mind to take a look at a topic called "Discusion: Large description in a script". I would really like to know your opinion.

Good luck with the rest of the history!!!,

Zed.




[This message has been edited by Zed (edited 08-02-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Zed (edited 08-02-2002).]

[actressgirl_05]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Zed:
Hey actress_girl (Kristin):

I know I kind of late with my comments, but, I haven't notice this topic before.

Now let's see:

1. First of all, I love the introduction of the script. The very first lines seems great to me.

2. Now, about the plot.....Have you ever watch a movie called "Twenty bucks" (1993)about the history of a $20 dollars bill?. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it may be interesting to you to watch it (general culture anyway).

3. There's a line that says_
"You’re a sick bastard
Frank. I think I might go to Dave’s and see if
he’s got this car cheaper."
But that far we audience didn't know the character name or the car salesman name.
Then I might suggest a couple things:
a) Add an small introduction between Fred and Frank. The peolple who works in direct sales know (I'm in some sort of strange way I'm kinda one of them) that you ALWAYS should treat your clients by their name.
I mean, one of the Frank's first questions in a real life situation got to be a simple "what's your name?" to learn Fred's name.
b) A reference that the character is at "Frank's Car Sale" or something better -a sign of something-.
(I'm sure you can think in something better).

4. If you're interest in how a car salesman work on his clients read the second chapter of a recent book called "Coercion" wroten by Douglas Rushkoff. You maybe can find it on a Library (or let me know if you got problems to find it). It is an excellent work about how this sales are planned. It might help you for this scene and maybe others (in this and in future scripts).

5. I watch that you placed some references about camera shots in your script. Would you mind to take a look at a topic called "Discusion: Large description in a script". I would really like to know your opinion.

Good luck with the rest of the history!!!,

Zed.




[This message has been edited by Zed (edited 08-02-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Zed (edited 08-02-2002).]</font>

Yeah I've seen Twenty Bucks but I can assure you that this is not going to be like it.

You're totally right about the Fred and Frank greeting each other. I'll probably just add a sign in it.

Thanks for all of your help Zed! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

actressgirl_05 http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

[Zed]

You're welcome.
Remember to keep us "updated" about this!.

Good Luck,

Zed.

[actressgirl_05]

Yet another BUMP

[actressgirl_05]

I'm BUMPING this for no reason, so...

BUMPITY BUMP BUMP

[actressgirl_05]

END INSERT

A click is heard, and Wanda looks up from the Bible.

WANDA
Hello?

FRED (OS)
Hi, Wanda. Is Bill around the house at all?

WANDA
No, he’s not home. He’s been looking all over
town for you! Where are you?

INT. GAS STATION-NIGHT-CONT’D

Fred stands in the same position.

FRED
You’ll find out just as soon as I get ahold of
Bill. Do you have any clue where he is?

WANDA(OS)
He might be over at the warehouse. Maybe he
thinks you’re at work. Can you call back later?

FRED
No, actually I’m calling from a gas station
phone and I’m not sure if they’ll let me loiter
around.

INT. BILL DUNNIGAN’S LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

The sound of a door opening and closing can be heard. Wanda turns toward
the source of the noise.

BILL (OS)
Wanda! I’m home!

BILL DUNNIGAN, 22, blonde hair and blue eyes, enters the spacious and
wonderfully decorated living room. He doesn’t notice that Wanda is
speaking on the phone.

BILL
I looked at the warehouse, but they said he quit
yesterday.

He realizes Wanda is on the phone.

BILL
Who are you on the phone with?

WANDA
Uh...Fred.

BILL
Well, let me talk to him.

Wanda hands him the phone and walks out of the room.

BILL
Where the...hold on a second.

He reaches down, closes the Bible, then shoves it into a drawer on the
coffee table.

BILL
Okay, I’m back. I had to put the Bible away. I
didn’t want God to hear me cussing. Now, where
the hell have you been?

FRED
Well, right now I’m just a little over the New
York state line. Oh, and by the way, God can
hear you.

BILL
Oh, Jesus Christ, don’t tell me you believe in
that shit!?

FRED
Sorry, Bill, but I do. You would too if you saw
the things I did four years ago. Anyway, I got a
car and I’m heading to New York City. Looks like
all those months of working at the factory
finally paid off.

BILL
Can I ask you something? Why are you going to
New York? I mean, you’ve got a life here. You’ve
got people who care about you.

INT. GAS STATION-NIGHT
FRED
Wrong. I’ve got people who pity me. Who feel
sorry for me, because of what happened. I’m
tired of everyone making a big deal over me. I’m
tired of being known as the only survivor.
Sometimes I wish I would have died, right there
in that field, with our good buddy Foster. He’s
the lucky one.

The clerk looks at Fred with tears in her eyes. This last statement has
moved her, touched her heart.

FRED
Uh, I better go, Bill. I think I’ve been here
too long.

CLERK
No, you can stay on the phone as long as you
want.

FRED
Okay, I don’t have to go. Anyway, I’m sure
hundreds of guys from New York City returned
home. That’s a plus, because, then no one will
make a big deal out of me. Also, I’ve heard it’s
a great place full of opportunities.

BILL
Are you talking about occupational opportunities
or feminine opportunities?

FRED
Both. It will be a good change of pace, you
know? I mean, I’m so used to small town life.
This will give me a chance to live a little.

BILL
Yeah, but will you come back to visit us some
time?

FRED
I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to. I might
feel guilty about leaving and be convinced to
stay.

BILL
Okay, well I guess you do what you want to. But
can I ask you one little question?

FRED
Sure, go ahead.

BILL
Would Foster have wanted you to leave our town?
Is that why you went to war? I tell you what,
Foster would be disappointed.

FRED
Yeah, but Foster died. And besides, I’m not
going to let my dead friend run my life. Well,
I’ve got to be getting on the road. Talk to you
some other time.

INT. BILL’S LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

BILL
All right, bye.

He hangs up the phone as Wanda enters. She hands him an RC Cola and sits
down beside her.

WANDA
So,
(a beat)
where is he?

BILL
New York. He’s never coming back.

He pauses a moment, reflecting on his conversation with Fred, and his
previous statement.

BILL
I just lost my best friend.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK-DAY

The car comes down a street, finds a parking space, then settles in that
spot. Fred turns off the car then takes his first step out on the
street. With him he carries a copy of the New York Times. He looks up
from the paper at the address written on the building: 229 West 43rd
Street.

TILT UP: The words, “The New York Times,” are written in big letters on
the building.

He looks at the building, contemplating whether he should go in or not,
then he runs in.

INT. NEW YORK TIMES OFFICE-DAY

Fred walks into a brightly lit room, and to his amazement he sees about
fifty people, all sitting at typewriters, typing away.

FRED
Wow. We sure didn’t have this many employees at
the Chambers Gazette.

He looks over to one desk and sees BETTY RAMIS, 24, typing away as
though she doesn’t see him. She has brown hair, brown eyes, and a great
figure. He smiles and approaches her. On her desk sits one of those name
blocks, which he notices.

FRED
So, uh, Betty, can you tell me where I can find
a Mr. Schwartz?

BETTY
Yeah, he’s in that corner office right there.

She points to an office at the corner of the building. He looks down and
smiles a flirtatious smile.

FRED
Thank you, beautiful.

Betty gives him a cute little smile. He departs from her presence, and
as he is leaving, Betty leans to her right and watches him go to the
office.

BETTY’S POV: Fred approaches the office, knocks on the door, and enters.

Betty turns to her friend SUSIE BAKER.

SUSIE
Wow.

BETTY
I certainly hope he gets a job here!

INT. MR. SCHWARTZ’S OFFICE-DAY

Fred enters the big office. Sitting at a desk in the middle of the room
is MR. SCHWARTZ, late fifties. He is a balding man who smokes cigars
non-stop. He doesn’t realize Fred has stepped into his office.

FRED
Uh, Mr. Schwartz?

MR. SCHWARTZ
Who the hell are you?

FRED
I’m Fred Truman. I was wondering if there are
any open positions that I can fill.

MR. SCHWARTZ
Yeah, we got one. As a janitor.

FRED
A janitor?!

Mr. Schwartz begins to laugh at his own joke. Within seconds he is
hacking and wheezing.

FRED
In all seriousness, sir, I would like to make
you aware that I do have experience.

MR. SCHWARTZ
Where are you from? The Post? The Boston
Journal?

FRED
No, actually the Chambers Gazette.

MR. SCHWARTZ
The Chambers Gazette? Where is that located?
Philadelphia? Columbus? Or is it Baltimore?

FRED
No, actually it was Chambers, Vermont, sir.

MR. SCHWARTZ
Where the hell is that? Look, if I’ve never
heard of it, then you aren’t getting a job here.

FRED
But I’ve written really good things in the past.
I can show you some...

MR. SCWARTZ
I don’t care if you wrote the Bible, I’m not
going to read it. You haven’t had experience
with a big paper, therefore you have no business
in my office. Now, get out of my sight. You’re
wasting valuable nap time.

Fred looks hurt and angry after this statement, and so he exits the
spacious office.

INT. NEW YORK TIMES OFFICE-DAY

As Fred exits we see a shot of Betty. At first she has a sweet little
smile on her face, but it all changes when she sees Fred’s melancholy
look.

He walks toward Betty’s desk, and as he walks he crumples up his copy of
the New York Times into a little ball. He drops it into her trash can on
his way out.

Betty gasps, as if she wasn’t expecting anything like that. She turns to
Susie.

BETTY
I’m taking a lunch break.

She gets out of her seat, grabs her purse, then runs out the door.

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK-DAY

Fred gets into his car and slams the door. People on the street look at
the car with weird expressions on their faces. Betty exits the doors and
searches for Fred. Her expression changes from searching to relieved, as
she sees Fred in his car.

BETTY’S POV: Fred sitting in his car rubbing his temples.

Betty walks toward the car, but stops when the car begins to pull out of
it’s space. For a moment she just stands there, but she then begins to
walk toward the automobile. She runs into the middle of the street.

INT. PLYMOUTH SPECIAL DELUXE-DAY

Fred is pulling out of the parking space, when he slams on the brakes.

FRED’S POV: Betty standing in the road.

Fred now has a pissed off look on his face. He jumps out of the car.

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK-DAY

FRED
What the fuck were you doing?! I could have
killed you! Don’t you realize that! You should
really watch where you’re walking!

BETTY
I’m sorry. I just...I really need to talk to
you. Do you remember me?

FRED
Of course I remember you! We just met!

BETTY
Yeah. I was just wondering, what happened in Mr.
Schwartz’s office?

Car horns now sound in the back ground like trumpets.

FRED
Look, can we talk about this when we’re not in
the middle of the road?

BETTY
Well, yeah. You can pull over and we can discuss
this on the sidewalk.

FRED
Do you want to go somewhere to eat?

BETTY
What?

FRED
Oh, come on. We can go to a nice little diner
and we can discuss my situation. We can call it
a business meeting.

Betty chuckles a little at this sad attempt for a joke.

FRED
What do you say?

EXT. BIG GEORGE’S DINER-DAY

A sign rotates on its post. The Special Deluxe sits in a miniscule
parking lot.

INT. BIG GEORGE’S DINER-DAY

A total of three tables are occupied. One of the tables contains Fred
and Betty.

FRED
So then I left the town and tried to get a job
at the Times.

BETTY
(Taking a bite of her sandwich)
So, let me get this straight. You worked for a
small town paper in Chambers, Vermont, then
expected you would get a job at New York’s
biggest paper?

FRED
Well, yeah.

Betty begins to laugh, and in the middle of that laughter she snorts.

FRED
What? Was that a snort I heard?

BETTY
(With her hands over her mouth and nose
she shakes her head)
No.

FRED
That was too. That was a snort, I just know it
was. There’s no use in denying it. Anyway, why
is it so funny that I tried to get a job?


BETTY
Well, there’s a certain way you’ve got to go
about it. You just can’t go to the Top Dog and
expect to be automatically accepted. Although I
do admit it takes a lot of ambition to be able
to do it. Anyway, take me for example. I started
out at the Lake Placid Examiner. Then I moved to
New York and worked at the Weekend Chronicle.
After awhile I wrote in a really good article
for the Post and got a job there. From there I
came to my present job. I write about current
affairs in City Hall. I really want to write
about the world. I mean, the world is so huge
compaired to New York City. To Earth, New York
is like and ant hill in a one-hundred acre
field, you know?

FRED
(Grinning at her)
Yeah. It really is. Where do you propose I
start?

BETTY
First things first. Do you have anywhere to
stay?

FRED
That would be a no.

BETTY
Okay. Well, I know you might be a little scared
to do this, but my brother Colin has an extra
room in his apartment. I was thinking maybe you
can stay there.

FRED
That didn’t scare me at all.
(A beat)
Why are you so nice to me?

BETTY
Excuse me?

FRED
You just met me, but you’re offering for me to
stay with your brother. Not very many ladies
would be willing to do that. So, I’ll ask you
again. Why are you so nice to me?

BETTY
I have two reasons. First, you are a man who’s
in a terrible situation and it would be
inexcusably wrong if I were to leave you out on
the streets.

FRED
Okay, good point. What’s the other one?

BETTY
(Hesitating)
I find you attractive.

FRED
Really?
(A beat)
Would it be acceptable if I were to say the same
about you.

BETTY
(Nervous, excited)
Oh, yeah, you could say that. It’s totally
acceptable. In fact, it’s more than acceptable.
I can’t think of any word that describes more
than acceptable, but it’s definately allowed.

There is an akward silence between the two.

FRED
So, where’s this brother of yours?

BETTY
His apartment is on the corner of--

FRED
Can you take me there? I mean, if you give me
directions I’ll never be able to find it.

BETTY
I’ve only got an hour, at the most, to be away
from work. Actually, in reality I’ve only got
fourty-five minutes. I just asked Sue to cover
for me which will give me a total of fifteen
more minutes.

FRED
How far is your brother’s apartment?

BETTY
Very. I’m sorry but I’m only gonna be able to
give you directions.

CUT TO:

INT. SPECIAL DELUXE-DAY

Fred sits silently looking out his window. The car is motionless
suggesting he hasen’t left or that he’s sitting in a parking lot near
Betty’s brother’s house.

The passenger door is suddenly pulled open and Betty climbs in and takes
her seat.

BETTY
So, I called Sue and she said that she would
convince Mr. Schwartz that I left work sick.

FRED
Couldn’t he ask the nurses about that.

BETTY
Oh they’re my friends, they would lie for me.
They’ve done it before.

FRED
Is there anyone you aren’t friends with?

BETTY
Yeah, I don’t like Mr. Scwartz. He’s an
a--idiot.

FRED
What were you going to say originally?

BETTY
Nothing.

FRED
Oh, yeah you were. You were going to say
asshole. Why didn’t you just say it?

BETTY
Because it’s not very lady like to cuss.

FRED
I cuss. I cuss all the time. Shit, damn, fuck.
See?

BETTY
You’re not a lady, though. Women and cussing
don’t mix.

FRED
What about women and working?

BETTY
(Offended)
What?!

FRED
Well, before the war it was socially
inacceptable for women to work. I mean, they
could do small things, like secretary work or
being a maid. But now, now there’s women in
factories. Theres actually women’s baseball.
Then there’s you. The business woman. The woman
that has to dress nice for work, not because you
want to, but because it’s part of the dress
code. I can’t believe that women can now have a
white collar job or a blue collar job. The
world’s changing so fast and I can’t keep up.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING-STAIRWAY-DAY

Betty leads Fred up the many steps. While walking they discuss Betty’s
brother.

FRED
What’s his name?

BETTY
Colin. He’s a twenty-five year old drunk, so if
he says anything offensive keep in mind that he
might have been drinking.

FRED
Okay.

They come to a stop at a door. Above the big door is a painted number
eight. She opens the door and they both walk in.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING-HALLWAY-DAY

They continue down the narrow corridor which will eventually lead to
Colin’s dwelling. Betty finally stops at a door marked, “19.” She knocks
in a somewhat nervous manner.

The door is answered by a dirty looking man who is wearing nothing but a
wife-beater and underwear. This man is COLIN RAMIS, 25, blonde hair and
brown eyes.

COLIN
Well if it isn’t my baby sister and...some guy.

BETTY
Fred this is Colin. Colin, Fred.

COLIN
Well, come on inside, take a seat. Want
anything, like, say, a beer?

Just a little more for everyone... http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

actressgirl_05 http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

[actressgirl_05]

Is anyone gonna say anything about what I've recently written?

[blankpage]

Well I guess I'll take the floor.

I must say it has been one of the best script I have ever read.It is all original and moving.The dialouge seems to go with the plot,and everything is where it has to be.

Cheers! http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif and good luck with the rest http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

--blankpage
http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[PhantomRhyter]

actressgirl_05,

Thanks for the recent installment of your script. I noticed here that you seemingly deviate back to the 'standard Hollywood format' in some areas. I don't mean to be pedantic --and such is certainly NOT my intention here-- but if you will indulge me, I would like to go over this portion of your script with you. Your script portions will be in bold and my comments in regular.

Originally posted by actressgirl_05:

END INSERT

A click is heard, and Wanda looks up from the Bible.

WANDA
Hello?

FRED (OS)
Hi, Wanda. Is Bill around the house at all?

WANDA
No, he’s not home. He’s been looking all over
town for you! Where are you?

INT. GAS STATION-NIGHT-CONT’D

Fred stands in the same position.

Under the theory of this new format we have been discussing, you might want to write merely that 'Fred' is on that phone at the station. At the same time since we are taken to a different piece of scenery we would probably still need the scene cues that you noted. Actually, this trasition in space and time in your sequence presents us 'new style' adherents with an interesting problem to work out.

I'd say (for what it's worth) that for the benefit of the director and other behind the camera principals, we'd need to leave that scene cue in. At the same time I would advise simply continuing on with your story and note only that 'Fred' is on the phone.

FRED
You’ll find out just as soon as I get ahold of
Bill. Do you have any clue where he is?

WANDA(OS)
He might be over at the warehouse. Maybe he
thinks you’re at work. Can you call back later?

Her, by noting that 'Wanda's' line is delivered [OS] you may be giving the director more info than he needs. I would advise merely writing the scene and letting the director make those decisions about whether or not 'wands' line would be delivered on screen or off.

FRED
No, actually I’m calling from a gas station
phone and I’m not sure if they’ll let me loiter
around.

INT. BILL DUNNIGAN’S LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

The sound of a door opening and closing can be heard. Wanda turns toward
the source of the noise.

BILL (OS)
Wanda! I’m home!

BILL DUNNIGAN, 22, blonde hair and blue eyes, enters the spacious and
wonderfully decorated living room. He doesn’t notice that Wanda is
speaking on the phone.

Here again is another interesting problem you present us. One I'm not really sure about myself. Anyway, in older scripts all the characters that are in a story are named at the beginning and briefly described. I noticed on reading the script for 'John Carpenter's THE THING' (here on JoBlo) that this trend continued into the 1980s.

In some respects, I like the idea of introducing characters within the script, as you have done here. However, we may need to make a character list as well for the production people. It seems that both things cold be done, make a character list at the beginning and then introduce each character in the story as they come along--it is after all the 'story telling way' (if such a thing can be said to exist)

BILL
I looked at the warehouse, but they said he quit
yesterday.

He realizes Wanda is on the phone.

BILL
Who are you on the phone with?

WANDA
Uh...Fred.

BILL
Well, let me talk to him.

Wanda hands him the phone and walks out of the room.

BILL
Where the...hold on a second.

He reaches down, closes the Bible, then shoves it into a drawer on the
coffee table.

BILL
Okay, I’m back. I had to put the Bible away. I
didn’t want God to hear me cussing. Now, where
the hell have you been?

FRED
Well, right now I’m just a little over the New
York state line. Oh, and by the way, God can
hear you.

BILL
Oh, Jesus Christ, don’t tell me you believe in
that shit!?

FRED
Sorry, Bill, but I do. You would too if you saw
the things I did four years ago. Anyway, I got a
car and I’m heading to New York City. Looks like
all those months of working at the factory
finally paid off.

BILL
Can I ask you something? Why are you going to
New York? I mean, you’ve got a life here. You’ve
got people who care about you.

INT. GAS STATION-NIGHT

OK, here you illustrate perfectly the problems of time and space in storytelling on film. In the above scenes of dialogue (which transpire over telephone) the director could make decisions about inter vutting of footage between 'Fred' and 'Bill'. Yet, here at the end, you try and help the director along by introducing another scene cue. Again, You might not want to do this. You probably would want to leave all of that up to the director.

General rule of thumb is that once a location has been described, then there's really no need to go back to that. The reader (in this case the director) will KNOW where the characters 'Fred', 'Wanda', and 'Bill' are located. The director ought to be able to film it accordingly.

FRED
Wrong. I’ve got people who pity me. Who feel
sorry for me, because of what happened. I’m
tired of everyone making a big deal over me. I’m
tired of being known as the only survivor.
Sometimes I wish I would have died, right there
in that field, with our good buddy Foster. He’s
the lucky one.

The clerk looks at Fred with tears in her eyes. This last statement has
moved her, touched her heart.

FRED
Uh, I better go, Bill. I think I’ve been here
too long.

CLERK
No, you can stay on the phone as long as you
want.

FRED
Okay, I don’t have to go. Anyway, I’m sure
hundreds of guys from New York City returned
home. That’s a plus, because, then no one will
make a big deal out of me. Also, I’ve heard it’s
a great place full of opportunities.

BILL
Are you talking about occupational opportunities
or feminine opportunities?

FRED
Both. It will be a good change of pace, you
know? I mean, I’m so used to small town life.
This will give me a chance to live a little.

BILL
Yeah, but will you come back to visit us some
time?

FRED
I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to. I might
feel guilty about leaving and be convinced to
stay.

BILL
Okay, well I guess you do what you want to. But
can I ask you one little question?

FRED
Sure, go ahead.

BILL
Would Foster have wanted you to leave our town?
Is that why you went to war? I tell you what,
Foster would be disappointed.

FRED
Yeah, but Foster died. And besides, I’m not
going to let my dead friend run my life. Well,
I’ve got to be getting on the road. Talk to you
some other time.

OK, Kristin, here you've run a lot of dialogue between 'Fred' and 'Bill', yet NO scene cues relating to setting. This is more what we are talking about--&gt; just play the scene (as you've done here) and let the director make those decisions as to how it all should be set up. As the writer, your primary job is to tell the tale. do it with as much technical imput as may be necessary, but beyond that leave the rest to the other creative elements (ie. director, actors, etc. etc.). What I'm trying to say is that in a way you're going beyond what you actually NEED to do. It is a waste of effort on your part and may tend to make the actual first reading (again the most important one) more difficult for those other creative elements who are going to take your script and translate that story onto film.

INT. BILL’S LIVING ROOM-NIGHT

BILL
All right, bye.

He hangs up the phone as Wanda enters. She hands him an RC Cola and sits
down beside her.

WANDA
So,
(a beat)
where is he?

We had a discussion about this addition of the word 'a beat' in scripts on another thread here. Under the old Hollywood standard that I learned, we were taught to write in 'pause' in parenthesis. I never like that as I thought that the same thing could be conveyed under the much simpler straight story telling format.

For example here, I would re-write this part to read thusly:

WANDA: So?... Where is he?

The addition of the three periods indicates a pause in delivery and if the actress playing 'Wanda' has had any training at all relative to common reading (which should be completed by her primary education) then she ought to be able to deleiver the line perfectly as such.

BILL
New York. He’s never coming back.

He pauses a moment, reflecting on his conversation with Fred, and his
previous statement.

Here is another of the problems we advocates of this 'new style' are going to face. Basically we most certainly DO want this motivational element written in the script. However, we also need to exercise caution here. Your sparse use of words is actually good here, but at the same time, it seems a tad bit awkward. Actually, here I would advise going for the bold, and writing in an almost straight story format (ie. I would writ that last actor, or 'Character cue' for 'Bill' this way 'Bill is silent for a moment reflecting on his conversation with Fred and the fact that he believes that Fred is not coming back')
BILL
I just lost my best friend.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK-DAY

The car comes down a street, finds a parking space, then settles in that
spot. Fred turns off the car then takes his first step out on the
street. With him he carries a copy of the New York Times. He looks up
from the paper at the address written on the building: 229 West 43rd
Street.

TILT UP: The words, “The New York Times,” are written in big letters on
the building.

He looks at the building, contemplating whether he should go in or not,
then he runs in.

INT. NEW YORK TIMES OFFICE-DAY

Fred walks into a brightly lit room, and to his amazement he sees about
fifty people, all sitting at typewriters, typing away.

FRED
Wow. We sure didn’t have this many employees at
the Chambers Gazette.

He looks over to one desk and sees BETTY RAMIS, 24, typing away as
though she doesn’t see him. She has brown hair, brown eyes, and a great
figure. He smiles and approaches her. On her desk sits one of those name
blocks, which he notices.

FRED
So, uh, Betty, can you tell me where I can find
a Mr. Schwartz?

BETTY
Yeah, he’s in that corner office right there.

She points to an office at the corner of the building. He looks down and
smiles a flirtatious smile.

FRED
Thank you, beautiful.

The delivery of this part of your script is absoultely beautiful! GOOD JOB!

Betty gives him a cute little smile. He departs from her presence, and
as he is leaving, Betty leans to her right and watches him go to the
office.

Just a little awkward on the delivery here. To write 'he departs from her presence' seems to be an application of 'deification' that I do not think you intend with this script. You might want to play it simple here and just state that he turns to head in the direction she pointed to and then.....so on.

BETTY’S POV: Fred approaches the office, knocks on the door, and enters.

Betty turns to her friend SUSIE BAKER.

SUSIE
Wow.

BETTY
I certainly hope he gets a job here!

INT. MR. SCHWARTZ’S OFFICE-DAY

Fred enters the big office. Sitting at a desk in the middle of the room
is MR. SCHWARTZ, late fifties. He is a balding man who smokes cigars
non-stop. He doesn’t realize Fred has stepped into his office.

FRED
Uh, Mr. Schwartz?

MR. SCHWARTZ
Who the hell are you?

FRED
I’m Fred Truman. I was wondering if there are
any open positions that I can fill.

MR. SCHWARTZ
Yeah, we got one. As a janitor.

FRED
A janitor?!

Mr. Schwartz begins to laugh at his own joke. Within seconds he is
hacking and wheezing.

FRED
In all seriousness, sir, I would like to make
you aware that I do have experience.

MR. SCHWARTZ
Where are you from? The Post? The Boston
Journal?

FRED
No, actually the Chambers Gazette.

MR. SCHWARTZ
The Chambers Gazette? Where is that located?
Philadelphia? Columbus? Or is it Baltimore?

FRED
No, actually it was Chambers, Vermont, sir.

MR. SCHWARTZ
Where the hell is that? Look, if I’ve never
heard of it, then you aren’t getting a job here.

FRED
But I’ve written really good things in the past.
I can show you some...

MR. SCWARTZ
I don’t care if you wrote the Bible, I’m not
going to read it. You haven’t had experience
with a big paper, therefore you have no business
in my office. Now, get out of my sight. You’re
wasting valuable nap time.

Fred looks hurt and angry after this statement, and so he exits the
spacious office.

Here again, I fear you're stumbiling a bit with your action sequences (and I fear that the reason may be that we all rushed you too much on this, if so--TAKE YOUR TIME). You could simply write 'Fred was disheartened by Mr. Schwartz's jaded sense of business acumen. Realising he had no future with such narrow-minded sense of the world, he turns and leaves the office' (or something to that effect).

First of all we know that 'Mr. Schwartz's' office is spacious and opulent from earlier in your script, there's no need in repeating that again. Secondly are we really sure that 'Fred' is 'hurt' or really 'discouraged' at the narrow-mindedness of 'business' in the 'big city'. This is the part where the AUTHOR (in this case YOU) needs to be more aware of 'what' and 'why' TELLING THE READER (in this case the director and the actors) what they need to see and when.

INT. NEW YORK TIMES OFFICE-DAY

As Fred exits we see a shot of Betty. At first she has a sweet little
smile on her face, but it all changes when she sees Fred’s melancholy
look.

Try something like this: 'INT. NEW YORK TIMES OFFICE --DAY. As Fred comes out of Mr. Schwartz's office, Betty ntoices him, smiling expectantly. Then she notices the meloncholy resignation clouding Fred and her smile quickly fades', or something along those lines.

He walks toward Betty’s desk, and as he walks he crumples up his copy of
the New York Times into a little ball. He drops it into her trash can on
his way out.

OK. Here you need to remember props. A copy of The New York Times, even in the late 1940s, was a fairly hefty journal, and NOT one that just any man --outside of Clark Kent maybe-- could 'crumple up into a little ball' and throw away. More likely here 'Fred' rolls or folds his cpoy up and throws it away.

Betty gasps, as if she wasn’t expecting anything like that. TRY: 'Betty gasps not expecting this' She turns to
Susie.

BETTY
I’m taking a lunch break.

She gets out of her seat, grabs her purse, then runs out the door.

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK-DAY

Fred gets into his car and slams the door. People on the street look at
the car with weird expressions on their faces. Betty exits the doors and
searches for Fred. Her expression changes from searching to relieved, as
she sees Fred in his car.

BETTY’S POV: Fred sitting in his car rubbing his temples.

Betty walks toward the car, but stops when the car begins to pull out of
it’s space. For a moment she just stands there, but she then begins to
walk toward the automobile. She runs into the middle of the street.

INT. PLYMOUTH SPECIAL DELUXE-DAY

Fred is pulling out of the parking space, when he slams on the brakes.

FRED’S POV: Betty standing in the road.

Fred now has a pissed off look on his face. He jumps out of the car.

EXT. STREETS OF NEW YORK-DAY

FRED
What the fuck were you doing?! I could have
killed you! Don’t you realize that! You should
really watch where you’re walking!

OK. You're transition on time and space are good here, but I would doubt that even a battle hardened vetran of war would have used the word 'fuck' around a lady in the late 1940s. For that line I would suggest that you use 'what the hell are you doing' and even at that you're character would probably blush (people had more sense of decency then than they do now and even war hardened vetrans were more careful--even after near crisis-- than that.

BETTY
I’m sorry. I just...I really need to talk to
you. Do you remember me?

FRED
Of course I remember you! We just met!

BETTY
Yeah. I was just wondering, what happened in Mr.
Schwartz’s office?

Car horns now sound in the back ground like trumpets.

FRED
Look, can we talk about this when we’re not in
the middle of the road?

BETTY
Well, yeah. You can pull over and we can discuss
this on the sidewalk.

FRED
Do you want to go somewhere to eat?

BETTY
What?

FRED
Oh, come on. We can go to a nice little diner
and we can discuss my situation. We can call it
a business meeting.

Betty chuckles a little at this sad attempt for a joke.

FRED
What do you say?

EXT. BIG GEORGE’S DINER-DAY

A sign rotates on its post. The Special Deluxe sits in a miniscule
parking lot.

INT. BIG GEORGE’S DINER-DAY

A total of three tables are occupied. One of the tables contains Fred
and Betty.

Again, you seem a bit rushed here. You might try: 'A total of three tables are occupied, one by Fred and Betty'

FRED
So then I left the town and tried to get a job
at the Times.

BETTY
(Taking a bite of her sandwich)
So, let me get this straight. You worked for a
small town paper in Chambers, Vermont, then
expected you would get a job at New York’s
biggest paper?

FRED
Well, yeah.

Betty begins to laugh, and in the middle of that laughter she snorts.

FRED
What? Was that a snort I heard?

BETTY
(With her hands over her mouth and nose
she shakes her head)
No.

FRED
That was too. That was a snort, I just know it
was. There’s no use in denying it. Anyway, why
is it so funny that I tried to get a job?


BETTY
Well, there’s a certain way you’ve got to go
about it. You just can’t go to the Top Dog and
expect to be automatically accepted. Although I
do admit it takes a lot of ambition to be able
to do it. Anyway, take me for example. I started
out at the Lake Placid Examiner. Then I moved to
New York and worked at the Weekend Chronicle.
After awhile I wrote in a really good article
for the Post and got a job there. From there I
came to my present job. I write about current
affairs in City Hall. I really want to write
about the world. I mean, the world is so huge
compaired to New York City. To Earth, New York
is like and ant hill in a one-hundred acre
field, you know?

FRED
(Grinning at her)
Yeah. It really is. Where do you propose I
start?

BETTY
First things first. Do you have anywhere to
stay?

FRED
That would be a no.

BETTY
Okay. Well, I know you might be a little scared
to do this, but my brother Colin has an extra
room in his apartment. I was thinking maybe you
can stay there.

FRED
That didn’t scare me at all.
(A beat)
Why are you so nice to me?

BETTY
Excuse me?

FRED
You just met me, but you’re offering for me to
stay with your brother. Not very many ladies
would be willing to do that. So, I’ll ask you
again. Why are you so nice to me?

BETTY
I have two reasons. First, you are a man who’s
in a terrible situation and it would be
inexcusably wrong if I were to leave you out on
the streets.

FRED
Okay, good point. What’s the other one?

BETTY
(Hesitating)
I find you attractive.

FRED
Really?
(A beat)
Would it be acceptable if I were to say the same
about you.

BETTY
(Nervous, excited)
Oh, yeah, you could say that. It’s totally
acceptable. In fact, it’s more than acceptable.
I can’t think of any word that describes more
than acceptable, but it’s definately allowed.

There is an akward silence between the two.

FRED
So, where’s this brother of yours?

BETTY
His apartment is on the corner of--

FRED
Can you take me there? I mean, if you give me
directions I’ll never be able to find it.

BETTY
I’ve only got an hour, at the most, to be away
from work. Actually, in reality I’ve only got
fourty-five minutes. I just asked Sue to cover
for me which will give me a total of fifteen
more minutes.

FRED
How far is your brother’s apartment?

BETTY
Very. I’m sorry but I’m only gonna be able to
give you directions.

Beautiful delivery here again. You see we are already aware of the location, so all you have to do here, is provide us with the dialogue to move the story along. Here you seem to remember to let the director frame the shots according to what he/she 'sees' in the script. Again GOOD JOB!

CUT TO:

INT. SPECIAL DELUXE-DAY

Fred sits silently looking out his window. The car is motionless
suggesting he hasen’t left or that he’s sitting in a parking lot near
Betty’s brother’s house.

Kristin, this is way too awkward for you. You have way too much talent to let this go by so sloppy. Again this makes me think that you've unduly rushed yourself. All you need to do here is simply tell us that the car is parked in front of an apartment building.

The passenger door is suddenly pulled open and Betty climbs in and takes
her seat.

BETTY
So, I called Sue and she said that she would
convince Mr. Schwartz that I left work sick.

FRED
Couldn’t he ask the nurses about that.

BETTY
Oh they’re my friends, they would lie for me.
They’ve done it before.

FRED
Is there anyone you aren’t friends with?

BETTY
Yeah, I don’t like Mr. Scwartz. He’s an
a--idiot.

FRED
What were you going to say originally?

BETTY
Nothing.

FRED
Oh, yeah you were. You were going to say
asshole. Why didn’t you just say it?

BETTY
Because it’s not very lady like to cuss.

FRED
I cuss. I cuss all the time. Shit, damn, fuck.
See?

BETTY
You’re not a lady, though. Women and cussing
don’t mix.

FRED
What about women and working?

BETTY
(Offended)
What?!

FRED
Well, before the war it was socially
inacceptable for women to work. I mean, they
could do small things, like secretary work or
being a maid. But now, now there’s women in
factories. [here I would add Fred saying 'There's women driving trucks, doing all sorts of thing only men did before. Hell, there's even women's baseball now for crying out loud...']

Then there’s you. The business woman. The woman
that has to dress nice for work, not because you
want to, but because it’s part of the dress
code. I can’t believe that women can now have a white collar job or a blue collar job. The world’s changing so fast and I can’t keep up.

Generally, this scene seems to play well except again for 'Fred's' cussing. Even in the late 1940s there was a code for the ehaviour of the decent gentleman, that I am sure 'Fred' would have adhered to (after all being cultured and intelligent enough to apply for work with the New York Times).

I think I know what you're trying to do here. You're trying to illustrate the changing of general societal conventions brought on as a result of World War II, when we saw more women going into the work force. This is all well and good and that part you deliver well. But do not forget the TIMES. There were societal conventions governing the behaviour of men as well, and these would have precluded someone like 'Fred' from using such language in the presence of a lady, especially a stranger. Men may have talked that way around each other on the battle field, but believe me they DID NOT when they were in the presence of ladies back home.

You may want to paint your character 'Fred' as a 'rebel-type'. The ground work is well laid in the beginning of your script, but you'd need some more scenes between there and here in order to concretely establish that fact in this story. You can go one of two ways; either add those scenes earlier in the script, or more gradually introduce those traits later on in the script in 'Fred's' character arch. Other than that you risk confusing your readers who then in turn will confuse the viewers --neither of which is what you want as the screenplay writer.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING-STAIRWAY-DAY

Betty leads Fred up the many steps. While walking they discuss Betty’s
brother.

FRED
What’s his name?

BETTY
Colin. He’s a twenty-five year old drunk, so if
he says anything offensive keep in mind that he
might have been drinking.

FRED
Okay.

They come to a stop at a door. Above the big door is a painted number
eight. She opens the door and they both walk in.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING-HALLWAY-DAY

They continue down the narrow corridor which will eventually lead to
Colin’s dwelling. Betty finally stops at a door marked, “19.” She knocks
in a somewhat nervous manner.

The door is answered by a dirty looking man who is wearing nothing but a
wife-beater and underwear. This man is COLIN RAMIS, 25, blonde hair and
brown eyes.

COLIN
Well if it isn’t my baby sister and...some guy.

BETTY
Fred this is Colin. Colin, Fred.

COLIN
Well, come on inside, take a seat. Want
anything, like, say, a beer?

OK. Kristin, earlier in this scene you're building up some pretty good tension (by the way WHAT is a 'wife-beater' and HOW does one WEAR it??). At the end you have 'Colin' giving over to friendliness a bit too quickly I fear. You might want to have him say something like 'OK...come on in [to Fred] You want a beer or something?'

Again your script is VERY GOOD, but there are some technical aspects, as well as historical/societal that you might want to pay a tad bit mor attention to. Keep up the good work and finish this script as you started it, in the more descriptive style.

You have already opened it up that way so do not lose courage now and try and revert in mid-stream back to something more along the lines of the Hollywood standard. You were doing very well with your first two installments, so don't give it up now.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[actressgirl_05]

B*U*M*P....OH YEAH! ANOTHER BUMP! (sorry I got hyper there for a moment)

[Zed]

I have just read it briefly.

I simply love it! Specially the comic parts "Oh, and by the way, God can
hear you." and "I don’t care if you wrote the Bible, ".


I got just one comment.

Of course what happend between Betty and Fred seems like love at first sight, but having a New York girl chassing an unknown person in the middle of the street (just because she found a guy atractive) didn't seems very believable.

Maybe (and that's just my opinion) you should add some dialogue between them.....to show that she goes after him, not just for the way he look.....also for the way he talks.

I think more womens felt in love for the words than for the looks.

[actressgirl_05]

Thanks Zed. I'll work on that. You're right about the cussing and the attractiveness stuff. Thanks for the help PhantomRyter and Zed.

[Zippylongstocking]

Pointless, no offence.

Typical character names "betty, fred,"

my God read www.kabalarians.com (http://www.kabalarians.com) for better names! plz

[notchreturns]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Zippylongstocking:
Pointless, no offence.

Typical character names "betty, fred,"

my God read www.kabalarians.com (http://www.kabalarians.com) for better names! plz </font>

Do you like anything? I have seen three of your posts on thos board and you have bashed everything. I would love to see some of your work.

[Zippylongstocking]

lol

[Scarface98.9]

she i <font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Zippylongstocking:
Pointless, no offence.

Typical character names "betty, fred,"

my God read www.kabalarians.com (http://www.kabalarians.com) for better names! plz </font>
has everyone learned to take Zippy here's rantings with a grain of salt? just checking

[Zippylongstocking]

[/b][/QUOTE]
has everyone learned to take Zippy here's rantings with a grain of salt? just checking[/B][/

Couldn't have made less sense myself

[actressgirl_05]

See it doesn't really matter, because Zippy's only one person of about 12 that doesn't like it. And every screenplay needs some bad criticism...

[Yin Yang]

Actually I quite liked her story and don't care what anyone else thinx.

Its rare nowadays to find such originality without having a murder or story about deaths.

Keep up the talented work Kristen.

[actressgirl_05]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Yin Yang:
Actually I quite liked her story and don't care what anyone else thinx.

Its rare nowadays to find such originality without having a murder or story about deaths.

Keep up the talented work Kristen. </font>

Thanks...now, off to go write.

[Zed]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Zippylongstocking:
Pointless, no offence.

Typical character names "betty, fred,"
</font>

Oh God!

My friend......have you read the entire topic?????

Didn't seem so. The script DOES NOT take place today. It takes places in the past.

Then you're brilliant suggestion of using modern names as Britney or Justin http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif is really not appropiate for her script.

Keep us updated actress_girl!

[actressgirl_05]

lol...Justin and Britney. That's funny. I could use a little more feedback (I know about everyone here has seen this topic, but oh well).

[actressgirl_05]

one final BUMP!!!!!

[actressgirl_05]

BUMP! OH YEAH! WAY TO BUMP THAT TOPIC KRISTIN! BUMP IT TO THE TOP!

[NobodySpecial]

Just a warning... this is going to be a little brutal. Now's your chance to leave unharmed.

Originally posted by actressgirl_05
EXT. COUNTRY FIELD-DAY

Beautiful country is displayed as far as the eye can see. The Iowa corn
is getting taller. Birds fly in the endless sky, not knowing where
they’re going, just knowing something is there.
I'll start with this. So okay, you say it's the country, and you say it's beautiful, and then you go into esoteric details. Is the Iowa corn growing before our eyes? Are the birds going to be the focus of the story? And I don't really understand how you picture the birds flying around. Are you saying they're scattered around the sky? Are they fleeing from something? Are they migrating from point A to B. But of course, I don't think it matters because the description is empty. I think the more important description here is the "beautiful" part. Are we talking rolling hills? Vast farm land? Is it surrounded by dirt roads? Forest? Valleys? Paint the picture for us, but do it quickly with as few words as possible.

The camera shows an old
barn that appears dilapidated, almost a pile of lumber lying in a long
forgotten field.
I think this is an excessive description. "Broken down barn" would probably have been sufficient.

Sitting at the base of the barn, rests an old 1948
Plymouth Special Deluxe. It is in appalling condition. It looks as
though it has seen the worst of times.
Finally, we're getting to the meat and potatoes of the scene. Our "main character". Just to point out, the "appalling condition" and "worst of times" parts are repetitive. Pick one, or a better, more physical description.

TIM RICHARDS, 32, comes into the
shot. He looks down at the car with a sort of sadness that doesn’t
belong in Iowa.
Big problems. Tim now goes into a voice over (meaning he's important) and we don't have a mental image of him. How's he dressed? What does he look like? Something to trigger a picture in our minds. I mean, you described the barn in greater detail than Tim. Also, the "sadness that doesn't belong in Iowa" is not such a good thing to put in a script. First off, what kind of sadness doesn't belong in Iowa? And why wouldn't it belong in Iowa? If I lived in Iowa I'd be pretty sad all the time (bare in mind I currently live literally 2 minutes from the beach). This kind of prose doesn't belong in a screenplay. Well, I don't think it belongs in a novel either, but novels are more flexible.

RE: the voice over. I liked it. Simple, kind of moody. The only concern I would have is how does Tim know about the car's history. It appears, because of the voice over, that he knows the car intimately, yet he's not the one in the following scene. This may make more sense as the story progresses, but it should be accounted for somewhere. I'd also point out that a voice over isn't necessary. Why not have Tim talking to someone? A child, maybe? Just an idea.

Many people stand on the lot, checking out cars. The camera focuses on a
man who is wearing a brown fidora, brown pants, a white shirt and
suspenders. This man is FRED TRUMAN, 23.
1) Leave camera cues out. They're a no-no.
2) Never use the line "This man is ..." unless it's the main character (this might be the case here).
3) Why are you telling us about his clothing in this much detail. I think it would be important if he weren't wearing pants or a shirt, but he's completely dressed as expected. Okay. You could just say "FRED TRUMAN, dressed in a brown suit, looks over the cars" and we get all the relavent information.

He looks at the lot filled with cars like a kid
in a candy store.
Really, really, really good description. I think this is the best thing you've written here. Very short sentence that gives you a strong feeling of this man's current disposition (his state of mind). Also potentially reveals a bit about his personality (car lover?). Great.

FRANK ALLEN, 35, owner of the car dealership,
approaches Fred.
Is Fred an important character throughout the story. If he is, more discription. If he isn't, then we don't need to know his age, his last name, or even his first name. "CAR SALESMAN" would do just fine.

They approach a sky blue Plymouth Special Deluxe, the same one from the
introduction, except, of course, it’s brand new.
Here's where style would be nice. You could definitely beef up this intro. Later on you say it "sparkles", but why wait. Throw the heat on now and make the visual contrast between the car now and the car before greater.

FRED
Damnit. Look, I really need this car. I can’t go
walking around town for the rest of my life. I
want to get away for awhile, but I have no car.
So, you’re telling me for this piece of shit
that won’t last for twenty or more years, that
you’re charging $450? You’re a sick bastard
Frank. I think I might go to Dave’s and see if
he’s got this car cheaper.
The dialogue is okay up until this point. I think the above is completely unbelievable given the manner in which the people were previously speaking, and given the timeframe. The 40s/50s. Overall I don't know how I feel about the way they're talking. Back then there was a little more "zip" to the way people spoke (you know, like they're all hopped up -- many actually were). But maybe that's being too nit-picky.

RE: the next scene (in the car). It's okay. It could be more playful, if that's what you were going for (which would be good), or you could just omit it. We know he's bought the car. No need to show him handing the money over. And doesn't he need to fill out any paperwork? I know it's the 40s, but still.


EXT. OPEN ROAD-DAY

Fred drives in his brand new car. The sun shines off of the paint and it
sparkles like a diamond. He has the radio turned on, and he’s listening
to “Jukebox Saturday Night,” by Glenn Miller.
Why is this scene here? What value does it have to the story? Does it move the plot forward? I don't know "Jukebox Saturday Night" by Glenn Miller, so the music has no significance to me. It would have been better just to write "a Glenn Miller tune" allowing the audience to fill in the blank with whatever they have in their mind.

So I guess that's it. Like I said, brutal. Nevertheless, I guess it could be interesting. The only concern I would have is whether or not you really know what life was like in the 40s/50s, but maybe you've done your research. I'm also a little curious as to how you'd draw this out for 120 minutes. How integral to the events of the story is the car going to be? How much time are you going to move across? I don't know, it's just that having an inanimate object as a character can lead to vast storytelling problems. Not insurmountable ones, but still.

I guess keep working on it. Let us know how it turns out.

[Rashka Slai]

Very good. I was interested in it the whole way.

only problem was (and you've probably heard it from the others) was that i felt i was reading from a book almost. Just a little too descriptive.

and i don't know if this bugged anyone else but Frank (the car dealer if i haven't mixed up names) seemed just a bit whiny in one of his lines - kid like.

just my say-so. ignore, apply, your choice i really don't mind.

but keep up the excellent work.

Rashka Slai

[actressgirl_05]

Thanks NobodySpecial and Rashka Slai for your replies. It doesn't matter if it was brutal NobodySpecial, because it's your opinion and you're entitled to it.

I haven't written on this script for about a month now and I haven't been able to fix anything yet, so now you know why it kinda sucks (like the "saddness in Iowa" part). I've done my research on the 1940's, so I know how they talked (I've talked to my Grandpa about it).

Oh, and Tim is relevent in the story. He lives in the car later on.

Thanks again for your replies.