Violent Mind - script beginning

[RavenBlade]

Fade In.


INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

The sun peaks through the curtains,
of a pristine white bedroom window.
JACOB GARET, lies still, motionless,
as though he were paralyzed. His eye's
stareing blankly at the ceiling.
The alarm clock goes off signaling
that it's time to face the day.

JACOB.
(V.O.)
You see that man, lying on the bed?
Thats me. And in about a few seconds,
the voices in my head will kick in.

Suddenly, soft whispers echo through the room, causing JACOB to cover his ears, to
prevent the madness from seeping into his cranium.

JACOB.
(In a strong yell)
STOP IT!

JACOB continues to yell, and in effect,
the earth starts to shake violently.
The blinds rattle, and JACOBS bed begins
to shake, and books on the shelves fall to the floor. The sun starts to fade in and out,
as though someone was at the helm of the switch. Just then, all becomes normal.
JACOB starts to cry.

JACOB.
God, please help me.
I don't want to hear
these voices anymore.


JACOB proceeds to get out of his bed,
and walks to the bathroom, taking erstwhile
swipes at his eye's to vanquish the tears.

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

JACOB looks into the mirror, still wiping
away the tears. He opens the medicine cabinet, and allows his fingers to stalk
for his medication. Suddenly, the medicine
cabinet door, slams madly by an unseen force,
trapping JACOBS hand in between.
JACOB screams and struggles for a few minuets, and finaly the door opens, allowing
his hand to become free.

JACOB.
Jesus, help me, PLEASE!!


JACOB stares at his hand, and see's that it is turning purple. He turns on the cold water, and puts his hand under it, gently massaging.

JACOB looks up at the mirror, and see's his reflection, he looks back down at his hand,
then looks again in the mirror, as though he saw something uncommon. As he stares, he see's that his reflection has an evilish
grin on its face. JACOB, trying hard not to believe what he see's covers his mouth, and waits for the visage to do the same, only to see that it failed.

JACOB.
There is only so much i can take,
and this is the last straw.

JACOB grabs the cabinet from the inside,
and swings it full force into the wall,
knocking it off its hinges. The glass shatters all over the floor.

JACOB.
(proudly)
That aught to do it.


EXT. TUDOR HOME - MORNING.

Trees, line the nice suburbs, they stretch
up and around the bend. A few kids ride their bikes. JACOB walks outside,
still in his pajamas and picks up his newspaper. Before heading back inside, he looks around to see if there was any damage to the exterior of his home, but saw none.
With this, he walks back inside.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

JACOB goes to the refridgerator,
opens it up, and takes out some orange juice.
He then walks to the cupboard, takes out a glass, then fills it with the orange juice.
He leaves the carton on the counter.

JACOB looks out the window, to see his next door neighbor, MOLLY JAMES watering her garden. MOLLY notices him watching her,
she waves, and JACOB lifts up his glass of O.J. in acknowledgement, then turns around to sit at the kitchen table, to read the Newspaper. He scans through it, but nothing catches his eye.

JACOB.
Nothing interesting today.
Guess that's a good thing.

JACOB gets up, and is about to walk out of the kitchen, when he realizes that he's yet to feed his Germen Shepard GORDY. He Leans down, and fills the dog dish with food, and then puts some fresh water in it. JACOB gets up, and then calls for his dog.

JACOB.
(cheerful)
Here, Gordy, come here, time for
some chow.

GORDY runs in, and slides across the floor,
narrowly missing hitting the cabinet.

JACOB pats GORDY on the head.

JACOB.
Good boy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And thats all you get for now, till more comes to me.

Ciao

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-22-2002).]

[Scarface98.9]

interesting, I'll give u that

[Hobb's End Horror]

Where ya goin' withthis? I mean, hell of an opening, but, what next?

[Lexell Studios]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Hobb's End Horror:
Where ya goin' with this? I mean, hell of an opening, but, what next?</font>

I agree, just a question though is this going to turn out to be another EXORCIST movie or another POLTERGEIST or just both of them put together? Great opening though.
Lex

[The UserName]

so far so good. i wonder what happens next.

[RavenBlade]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Lexell Studios:
I agree, just a question though is this going to turn out to be another EXORCIST movie or another POLTERGEIST or just both of them put together? Great opening though.
Lex

</font>

Well, none of the above.
I'm in the mood for shocking people
at the moment, so, I can't give further
details. It is my hope, that when this is continued, you'll come away saying.
"Whoa, this is so not what i was expecting"

Ciao

[RavenBlade]

CUT TO.

EXT. MCGILLIAM & FURST LAW FIRM - DAY

A five story brownstown building,
sits in the heart of Downtown Greely Grove, New Jersey. JACOB walks up to the building, and enters.

INT. MCGILLIAM & FURST LAW FIRM - DAY

JACOB walks up to the receptionest desk,
and talks to CARLA UNGER.

JACOB.
Afternoon Carla, are there any packages
for me?

CARLA.
Good afternoon to you to, Jacob.
Sorry, no nothing today.


JACOB.
Thanks Carla.

JACOB winks at her, then turns around
and walks to the elevator. He pushes the button. Three more people walk up to
to the elevator, and waits for the
door to open.

GEORGE MCGILLIAM is waiting in line,
and taps JACOB on the shoulder.

JACOB turns around nervously.

JACOB.
Mr. McGilliam, hi, I didn't see you behind me.

MCGILLIAM.
(chuckling)
It's ok, Jacob.
Hey, good job on that case
last Friday. You keep it up,
and we may just lose you to a rival
law firm.

JACOB.
(reassuringly)
Sir, there's no need to
worry about that. I started
here, and I intend to retire here.

MCGILLIAM.
Good, that is so good to hear
Jacob.

The elevator door opens up,
and they shuffle in. The metal
door, closes them in.
Jacob pushes the fifth floor button.
As the elevator lifts them to their
destination, JACOB'S psyche
grabs ahold of him, refusing to let go.

He holds onto the railings. His heart begins
to race, as the elevator, plummets past the first floor, continuing to enter the earths core. The sound of gravel hitting the elevator engulfs it. JACOB, still holding on for dear life, looks at the other people with him, and sees that they are oblivious
to whats going on.

JACOB.
(screaming)
HELP ME!!!

MCGILLIAM turns around and smiles at JACOB, with a devilsh grin. JACOB tries to punch
him, but the g-force's keep him glued to the wall. Suddenly, the elevator stops, dead in it's tracks. The door's open, revealing they made it to the top floor.

MCGILLIAM turns around and looks at JACOB.

MCGILLIAM.
Come Jacob, it wasn't that bad of a ride was it?

JACOB walks out of the elevator, and looks around, seeing that everything is normal.

MCGILLIAM.
(slightly worried)
You ok, Jacob?
You look like you've been
to hell and back?

JACOB tries to pull himself together.

JACOB.
Yeah, i'll be fine.
It must've been something I ate.

MCGILLIAM.
You sure? You can go home,
and relax, if you want to.

JACOB.
No, I'll be fine.
Besides, I rather be here,
then home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

more to come. stay tuned.

Ciao

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-22-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

INT. JACOBS OFFICE - DAY

JACOB is sitting at his desk,
with his head in his hands.
The windows, situated behind his
chair. Pigeons can be seen flying
back and forth, with the occasional
few perched on the edge of the window sill.

JACOB.
Get a grip on yourself Jacob.

JACOB looks up, and focus's
upon a picture of his ex-wife
LINDA DAVENPORT.
JACOB reverts back into his past,
recalling the argument they had.

CUT TO.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

LINDA.
You need help Jacob,
you can't keep going on
like this.

JACOB.
Well, what about my job Linda?
Do you honestly think the associates
at the firm will let me take on bigger
cases, if they found out i was in therapy?

LINDA.
Is that all you care about?
For Gods' sake Jacob, your losing it.

JACOB.
(excitedly)
No arguments there.

LINDA.
(relenting alittle)
Jacob, you do know,
that this scares the hell
out of me, when you get this way?
(beat)
Jacob, I'm fully aware that mental illness
runs in the family.

JACOB storms out of the room, and reaches for the front door. He opens it.

LINDA.
(yelling)
It doesn't have to be this way.

JACOB slams the door shut behind him.
LINDA breaks down, and starts crying.

CUT TO.

INT. JACOBS OFFICE - DAY

JACOB begins to lament, and caresses
LINDAS face through the glass frame.

JACOB.
I'm sorry Linda.
I should have listened
to you.

JACOBS phone begins to ring,
but he doesn't pick it up.
JACOB turns around to face the
window. He pulls it up,
to let the fresh spring breeze in.
JACOB inhales the air,
relishing it.

JACOB.
Where do you go from here,
when you live in constant fear?
The outside is vicious and cold,
atleast that's what I've been told.
So I relinquish my thoughts to my
God most high, and I prepare myself,
this day to die.

JACOB, turns away from the view of
the outer world. He closes his eye's and clasps his hands together.
He begins to pray.

JACOB.
God, I know I haven't prayed
in a while, but I want you to know,
that I'll always need You here in my
life. Truth be told, if it wasn't for You,
and Jesus, keeping me together, despite
my increasing insanity, I would most
likely be dead.
And even though I prefer to die, I'm asking
You, in Jesus's beloved name, that You
help me to overcome, what's overcome me.
In Jesus's name I pray.
Amen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More to come as it comes to me.
Stay tuned.

Ciao

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-23-2002).]

[Hobb's End Horror]

It's mucho interesting, but some of Jacob's dialogue in that last post seemed a little verbose. just a suggestion, but, you might want to tweak it a little.

[RavenBlade]

Hobbs End, is it when Jacob is reciting poetry that is too 'verbose'? if it is, do you have any suggestions, about how to tweak it, to help convey Jacobs feelings, without degrading the story.

Thanks for the replies.
Ciao

[The UserName]

i agree with hobbs end horror, but ravenblade may have done that intentionally. anyway, good job ravenblade, so far very good.

[RavenBlade]

Thanks TheUserName, it was intentional,
if we are all in one accord, that it was the poetic part, and nothing else. If it was something else, please let me know.
Thanks.

[RavenBlade]

CUT TO.

INT. HILLSIDE CHURCH - DAY

PASTOR BARNES walks away from the pulpit,
having just rehearsed next weeks sermon.
He walks to his office,
and makes a phone call. The phone continues
to ring.

PASTOR BARNES.
Come on Jacob, pick up the phone.

The phone continues to ring a couple
of more times, before PASTOR BARNES
relents, and hangs up the receiver.
He gets up from his chair, and takes
his jacket off of the coat rack, behind
him.

PASTOR BARNES.
Well, if I can't get you on the phone,
I'll get you at your office.

He proceeds out of the door, when suddenly
the phone starts to ring.
He walks over to the phone, and checks the
Caller I.D. He sees that the number is
from JACOBS office. He swiftly picks it up.

PASTOR BARNES.
Jacob, is that you?

PASTOR BARNES, takes the receiver away
from his ear as a loud shrill static sound,
comes through.
He cautiously puts it back to his ear.
PASTOR BARNES hears a voice, but it's not
JACOB.

VOICE ON PHONE.
(demonically)
You can't have him, Mr. Barnes.
We are not done yet, with what we
have in store for Jacob.

PASTOR BARNES.
Who is this?
Where's Jacob?

PASTOR BARNES jumps backwards,
and drops the phone, apparently
startled, by the same shrill static
sound, he had heard moments before.
He then runs out of the door of his office,
and makes his way outside.

EXT. HILLSIDE CHURCH PARKING LOT - DAY

PASTOR BARNES runs to his car, and digs into
his pockets, fiddling around for his keys.
He gets them, and fumbles to get it
into the keyhole. He finally gets the door
open, and hops into his car.

INT. CAR - DAY

He starts up the car, and is about to
leave, when all of the sudden, smoke
starts to seap into the interior,
filling it up. PASTOR BARNES starts
coughing. He tries to open the door,
but it's jammed shut. With this, he
searches for the handle bar to open
the window. He's unable to find it.

PASTOR BARNES then grabs his coat,
and wraps it around his fist.
He bangs on the window, and after
five whacks, it breaks open.
He climbs out through the window,
and collapses on the ground by the
foot of the car. He coughs a few more
times, and then becomes unconsious.

CUT TO.

INT. JACOBS OFFICE - DAY

JACOB is looking through his
date book. He finds the date he was
looking for.

JACOB.
Ah, here it is, July 29th, 11:00 A.M.

JACOB looks at his watch.

JACOB
Oh, my God, I'm late.

JACOB is about to leave, when
NINA FURST barges in.

NINA.
Jacob, I have something to tell you.

JACOB.
Not now, I'm already late for
an appointment with my Pastor.

NINA.
Not Pastor Barnes, is it?

JACOB.
Yeah, why do you ask?

NINA.
I don't know how to tell you this,
but he was found outside of his car,
unconsious. His car window was smashed
open.

JACOB turns around and clenches his fist, slamming it on his desk.

JACOB.
DAMMIT!

NINA.
Jacob, they took him to
Ridgehurst Hosptial.

JACOB.
Do they know what happend?

NINA.
Yeah, they said it was smoke inhalation.
The listed him in stable condition, but...

JACOB turns around to face NINA, and interrupts her.

JACOB.
But what?

NINA.
The Doctors said they found
a scar etched into his lungs.
Which they found to be uncommon.

NINA walks over to JACOB, and puts her
arm around him.

NINA.
Why don't you take the rest
of the day off?

JACOB.
Thanks Nina.

NINA.
Don't worry about it Jacob.
Just go and visit him.
He could most certainly use
a friend there to comfort him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More to come, as it comes to me.
Stay Tuned!

Ciao

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-24-2002).]

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-24-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

bump.

My word, it seems that i must be plugging
something special on this post, but not really, i'm still extremely curious about your thoughts, and what needs to be fixed.

Hobbs End Horror & TheuserName, please step up to the microphone, and please tell me what was verbose? When Jacob recited poetry?
Any help will be appreciated, as will some fancy shmancy Producer, who will snap up both of my screenplays, but not before helping me, get them just right.

adios amigos,

The Raven is flying aboot!!

[docholiday_13]

I think this is an outstanding script Raven. Great premise that really holds your attention. For some reason I think it would make a killer short. Maybe that just me. i especially like the two extremes in Jacobs personality where he is either losing it or in control. Creative use of his conditon as well. I wonder if the script could maintain its ingenuity and and interest for a full two hours though. I'm very interested in the plot as well. Tell us what happens please. very nicely done!

[RavenBlade]

Hey Docholiday_13,

I thought about making it
a short flick script.
I have so many
endings, that i don't know where to
end this one at.
Well, we shall see where this goes.
Thanks for the reply,

Ciao

[RavenBlade]

CUT TO.

INT. CAR - DAY

JACOB is stopped at a red light,
his elbow situated out of the window.


JACOB.
God, what are you trying to tell me?
What am I doing wrong?

The red light turns green, and a car behind
JACOB, honks. JACOB ignores the sound
emanating from behind him.
The driver gets out of his car, and approaches JACOB. The driver taps the side
of the car.

DRIVER.
Hey, you ok man?

JACOB performs a double take, and see's
that the driver is just a dark figure,
moving around as though it was a ghost.
Just then, the drivers face, leaps at JACOB, causing him, to put the peddle to the mettle.
JACOB, speeds up , going faster, and faster.
Leaving the dark shape in the dust.
He takes an occasional glance in his rearview
mirror, but he only see's a blurry image.

JACOB.
(screaming)
What the hell is going on?

Suddenly, The sky grows dark, and the sun
becomes like ash. Clouds swallow the sky,
then a crack of thunder, jolts the earth.
A fierce wind, blows the clouds away,
revealing a ball of fire intent on
destroying JACOB in his car.

JACOB.
(unbelieving)
Oh, my God.

The ball of fire, careens towards JACOBS
windshield, and as it is about to hit,
it disappears. JACOB, breathing in all
the oxygen he can, steps on the gas peddle,
and speeds up. He continues going faster and faster, narrowly missing oncomming traffic. JACOB runs a redlight, and is immediately struck by a car causing a shockwave, that deteriorates his surroundings. Cars are flung into the air,
exploding. Glass from building windows,
shatter. Just then, JACOB re-awakens in his
car, still at the green light. He is startled by a knock on the side of his car door. It's a driver from the car behind him, the same one as before.

JACOB.
(catching his breath)
Yeah?

DRIVER.
Hey, you ok man?

JACOB.
Good question.

The driver, gets impatient.

DRIVER.
Good question? good question?
Listen, guy, your holding up traffic.
There's alot of things we normal folk like
to do, before the day is over!
(beat)
Do you want me to move that piece of junk
for you?

JACOB, stares at the driver
then looks at the light and see's that
it is green. He takes off, and proceeds
on his way to the hospital.

DRIVER.
Unbelievable!

CUT TO.

EXT. RIDGEHURST HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY

JACOB pulls into a spot, closet to the front
door. As JACOB gets out of the door, he collapses on the ground. His breathing is shallow. JACOB musters up enough strength
to pick himself off of the pavement.
He staggers into to the hospital.

INT. RIDGEHURST HOSPITAL RECEPTION AREA- DAY

JACOB wanders up to the the receptionist
desk.

JACOB.
Hi, i'm here to see Pastor Barnes.
Bill Barnes, I mean.

RECEPTIONIST.
Ok, he is on the second floor,
room 207.

JACOB.
Thanks.

JACOB is about to walk away, when
the receptionist calls him back.

RECEPTIONIST.
Excuse me sir? You'll need a hall pass.

JACOB.
Oh, sorry.

RECEPTIONIST.
(concerned)
Sir, are you ok?
You don't look to good.

JACOB.
Yeah, I'll be fine,
I just tripped over my own two feet
outside.

JACOB takes the hall pass, and turns towards
the elevator. He stares at it, recalling his
previous expieriance earlier in the day.
JACOB, walks to the stairwell, and climbs the steps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More to come, as it comes to me.
Stay Tuned!

Ciao

[RavenBlade]

bump, please feed me some feedback,
as I'm curious what's liked, and what needs work. Thanks

[Hobb's End Horror]

Like everyone keeps saying...great stuff, man. Only thing (minor quibble): The driver of that car saying unbelievable. Maybe that's normal, but I'm from Texas...around here, that, instead, would be some delightful expletive. Still, great stuff. Very interesting.

[The UserName]

Again, good job. Keep up the good work. You should have his mind fucking with him with everything he does. Kind of like the insanity effects in the videogame Eternal Darkness.

[RavenBlade]

Just wondering, if you all think this could last a good Hour and a half, or if you think maybe it should last 30 minutes. If it was to be filmed.
This is the only way, i will know where to take this, and how to end it.
I have several endings for this, and if i was to ask and post what they were, well then that would give everything away.

Any help will be appreciated.
Thanks.

Ciao

[Lexell Studios]

Hmmm Go for the gold MEANING GO AS FAR AS YOU CAN GO IN THE SCRIPT WHETHER IT WOULD BE 2 HOURS OR 15 MINUTES JUST WRITE WHAT YOU CAN AND SHOOT IT.
HOPE THIS HELPS
LEX

[RavenBlade]

CUT TO.

INT. HOSPITAL STAIRCASE - DAY

JACOB walks up the stairs, it's dimly
lit. The light that does appear, flickers, as though the power was about to go out.
As he reaches the top step of the first
floor, a door swings open in the basement,
and immediately slams shut, the sound
reverberates off the walls. Soft whispers
can be heard, beckoning JACOB, taunting him.

VOICES.
(echoing)
Come to us Jacob.
Where coming for you.
You can't survive what
we have in store for you.

JACOB freezes in his steps, unable
to move. Sweat starts to fall from
his head, casually stinging his eyes.
Shadowy creatures swarm around JACOB,
their eyes glowing neon blue, and thats
all JACOB can see, those haunting blue eyes
looking into his soul.
JACOB tries to speak, but is unable to.

VOICES.
(echoing)
We have you now Jacob.
Come with us.

Suddenly JACOB is lifted up mysteriously.
He hovers above the ground, gliding
upto the top floor.
On the inside of JACOBS mind, he sees
the creatures grabbing his bloody
skeleton, shaking him violently.
Bright white light, mixes with the crimson
hue, and it decorates the darkened shadows.
JACOB feels as though there was a vacum
deep inside of him, sucking all the air from
his lungs. Everytime he breathes in, he loses
more breath.

VOICES.
(thundering)
This is only a dream Jacob.
When you awake, your world
will be but a speck of dust.
And it's all at your hands.

The creatures start to let go
of JACOB, letting him slip
through their transparent hands.
The disappear into the ether.
JACOB begins to fall, and as he is
about to hit the floor, he grabs onto
the banister with his hands, causing
his shoulders to be dislocated.
In a moment of defeat, JACOB releases
his grip from the handrail, and waits
for death to take the helm.
JACOB screams, as his foot is caught
in between the rails.

JACOB.
(screaming)
OWWW!!
HELP ME!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!
(beat)
GOD, CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME!!!

Just then, the walls start to crack
open, revealing the creatures return.
They swirl around JACOB.
One stops right by the eyes of JACOB,
and opens it's terrible mouth, showcasing
it's crystal teeth. A vortex begins
to show in its mouth. Tiny blades
move in a circular motion.

VOICES.
(echoing)
We hear you Jacob.
We will never leave you,
until the job is done.

JACOB screams on in horror, as they
start to touch him. He feels their icy
fingers moving around his body.

JACOB.
(sobbing)
What the hell do you want from me?

VOICES.
(echoing)
In due time Jacob,
In due time.
We must break you first.
(beat)
Let the survivors know it was
you, who created this devastation.

The first floor door opens, and a nurse
with a doctor, walks in. They see JACOB
hanging upside down, with blood dripping
down from his ankles. The doctor rushes
to JACOBS aid.

DOCTOR.
(shocked)
What the hell happened to you?

JACOB.
(crying)
Just get me down from here, please,
i'll do anything you want.


The doctor climbs the steps, and grabs
JACOBS leg, freeing it while the nurse
holds on to JACOBS shoulders, gently
guiding JACOB to the floor.

JACOB.
Please don't hurt me, please!

DOCTOR.
No ones going to hurt you
sir. It will be alright.
Try to calm down.

The doctor looks at the nurse.

DOCTOR.
Go get a stretcher, and some
orderlies. We have to get this man
some help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More to come as it comes to me.
Stay Tuned!

Ciao

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 08-03-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

The nurse quickly runs out of the door
while the Doctor, lays his lab coat on
top of JACOB.
The Doctor, checks JACOBS pulse, by putting
two fingers on JACOBS neck. He feels his
heart racing. JACOB stops breathing, his
heart failing him for fear.
The Doctor, immediately pulls JACOBS neck
up, letting his head tilt, and he performs
C.P.R.

DOCTOR.
Breath damnit, breath.
(beat)
Don't die on me.

After two more pumps on the chest,
and another breath, JACOB starts
breathing again.
The Nurse, comes in with two orderlies,
with the stretcher trailing behind them.
They roll JACOB over carefully, then
put a blanket under him, and lift him
up, laying him on the stretcher.

DOCTOR.
Get him to the O.R. and
prep him for surgery.

CUT TO.

One Week Later.

INT. JACOBS HOSPITAL BEDROOM - DAY

JACOB is despondent, staring out
of the window, seeing nothing, but
still stares, waiting for something.
Anything, a glimmer of hope, death,
just about anything that will get him
through this.
He turns his head at the sound of knocking
on his door. He sees that it is PASTOR BARNES. JACOB relents alittle, and forces
a smile to appear on his face.
PASTOR BARNES walks in.

PASTOR BARNES.
Man, do you look in terrible shape.
How you holding up?

PASTOR BARNES looks at JACOB, who is
in arm splints, and a hospital gown.
His ankle bandaged, with dry blood.

JACOB.
As good as i can, considering
this mess.

PASTOR BARNES.
That's good to hear, but
Jacob, i do have to ask you this.
What were you doing dangling upside
down from the stair case?

JACOB looks away, staring yet again
out of the window.

JACOB.
Bill, if I was to tell you,
I would assume you would think
I'm crazy.

BILL BARNES.
Jacob, listen, I know all the
pain you are going through.
I can't imagine, but i know.

JACOB adverts his eyes away from
the window, and stares at BILL.

BILL BARNES.
But please tell me it wasn't
a suicide attempt.

JACOB.
I could only wish it was.

BILLS curiosity is at it's peek.

BILL.
Why do you say that?
What's going on in your life,
that would make you say it?

JACOB.
Like I said before,
you would only think I'm
crazy.

BILL rummages through JACOBS
dresser, and pulls out a Bible.
He opens it up to Proverbs 16:18.

BILL.
Jacob, listen to this.
King Solomon, states that.
Pride goeth before destruction,
and a haughty spirit before a fall.

JACOB.
(agitated)
I know what it says Bill,
I study the Bible, I pray
every night, I even go to
Church.

BILL.
I know you know, Jacob,
but are you catching the
meaning of the passage?

JACOB.
Not at this time I don't.

BILL.
Well, let me explain it.
Is that ok?

JACOB.
Go right ahead.

BILL puts the Bible down on
the dresser, which indicates
he knows exactly what he needs
to say.

BILL.
Remember Moses, back in the land
of Egypt, trying to free God's
people?

JACOB.
Yeah.

BILL.
Well, then you know that Pharoh,
refused to let God's chosen to go.
The pride in his heart, the stubborness.

JACOB begins to realize where this
is going.

BILL.
And look at what happened to
the Pharoh. Plauges of locusts,
hail, and more, and he still
refused to let go of God's people.
All that, and he still didn't budge.
Til the plauge of the first born.

JACOB, listens intently, as BILL continues,
his pseudo sermon.

JACOB.
But didn't God harden the Pharohs
heart? and for this to be sort
of a rememberance of what God can do?

BILL.
Yes, but I'm going
to interpret it this way.
So you know what I mean.

JACOB.
Oh, I see now.
Go on, continue.

BILL.
It took the death of Pharohs
only son, for him to relent,
and let the people go.

JACOB.
So what your saying is,
I better speak up, and let
all of my pride go, before
it eventually destroys me?

BILL.
Thats not only what I'm saying,
but God as well.
(beat)
Jacob, don't let it destroy you,
like it did your marriage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
more to come.
Stay tuned!

[Narrator]

u may wanna change the name carla unger cus ther is a real person called deborah carla unger i think,if its the 1 im thinkin of she was in the game :S cud b wrong

veryinteresting script, sounds similiar to something I thought about writing but i decided not 2

Narrator

[MotorizedInstinct]

First off, I dig your story. The description and subtle character development is good. Also the mood is set well.
Some suggestions...
Some of the dialogue seems alittle forced or mellow-dramatic. For example the first time we meet the Priest or the creatures. The creatures dialogue feels like you are just spelling out the plot or their motive. You could do that, but just be alittle more subtle.
Again let me say i like the overall piece so far and also the pacing of it. It can definitly be stretched into a feaure.


[This message has been edited by MotorizedInstinct (edited 08-05-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

Thanks Motorized,

This is really just a rough draft,
and some things are going
to change.
But not much, just more descriptions,
and tweaking the dialouge.

Thanks for the reply

Ciao

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 08-07-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

Anybody else, have some feedback?

[RavenBlade]

BILL.
Jacob, I have to go,
but I will be back later
tonight.

JACOB nods his head and smiles.

JACOB.
Thanks Bill for visiting.
It means alot.

BILL.
No problem, I am your Pastor
after all, even if i wasn't,
I'd still be here.
Now get some rest.

JACOB.
Heh, I'll try my hardest.
See ya.


BILL walks out of the room.
JACOB, flicks on the television.
He flips back and forth between
channels. Seeing nothing of interest,
he turns it off, then dozes off.

CUT TO.

INT. JACOBS LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A young BOY about the age of eight,
sits nestled by the fire place, studying
the flames, watching them dance.
It is JACOB. He grabs a book that lies
beside him, and proceeds to read aloud.
JACOBS mother AMELIA, walks in and sits
down in her rocking chair, sipping
hot chocolate. AMELIA looks out the window.

AMELIA.
Jacob, look, it's starting to snow.

JACOB moves his eyes towards the window.
He watches the snow falling, the streetlights
making it seen easily. JACOB returns to his book. He continues to read outloud then stops
mid sentance. He looks over to his mother.
Panic shows in his eyes.

JACOB.
(Panicky)
Mommy! I'm scared.

AMELIA.
About what, honey?

JACOB gets off of the floor
and curls up in his mothers lap.

JACOB.
That they are going to get me.

AMELIA rubs JACOBS hair.

AMELIA.
Who is going to get you?

JACOB points towards the window,
revealing creatures. AMELIA stares
out of the window, and screams, as
the creatures try to break into
their cozy habitat.
She puts JACOB down.

JACOB.
You see them too mommy?

AMELIA runs up the stairs.

CUT TO.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

AMELIA grabs a gun from her dresser
drawer.

CUT TO.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

JACOB walks towards the front door
and opens it, his curiosity getting
the better of him. The creatures force
themselves in, knocking JACOB back,
he falls to the floor. AMELIA
rushes down the staircase, she lifts
JACOB off of the floor.
She looks around, but sees nothing.
Everything is empty, no signs of
life other then theirs.
AMELIA runs into the living room,
where she is swiftly picked up,
and hurled into the brick fire place,
knocking her unconsious.
One of the creatures closes in on
AMELIA, it opens its mouth, and
starts to skin her alive sucking her
into its mouth, the tiny rotating
blades tearing into her flesh.
JACOB is frozen solid.

JACOB.
MOMMY!!

CUT TO.

INT. JACOBS HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT

JACOB swiftly gets up, screaming in agony,
and horror. He grabs the buzzer and buzz's
for the nurse.

JACOB.
(Screaming)
NURSE!!

[The UserName]

once agan, very very good so far.

[actressgirl_05]

Wow. I'm very impressed. I really want to read more, so keep me updated.

By the way: I thought the poetry was pretty good. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

actressgirl_05 http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

[RavenBlade]

Thanks for the replies.
Username, and Actress girl.

I am pleased that you like what you
are reading.
And glad you liked the poem.
Although, while it fits, it seems
to also stick out like a sore thumb.
Maybe if i break it up alittle, just
to tweak it.
Anywho, i'll keep ya posted.

Thanks again

Raven

[HorrorPrincess]

Hi Raven http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif I love the script...you are so talented brother in law http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif
keep up the good work...I look forward to reading more!
Ronnie

[RavenBlade]

Hey Ronnie,
welcome to the boards.
So glad you made it over.
And am also glad you like my
script.
It's not easy as it seems to be though,
but i have a ball writing it.
Now lets hope i can refine the script
and get it sold, made, and what have you.

See ya.

Raven

[RavenBlade]

bump

[RavenBlade]

JACOB is in agony, shifting his body,
impaitently waiting for a nurse to walk
in to tend to him.

JACOB.
(Screaming)
NURSE!

A NURSE walks into JACOBS room.
She flips on the light switch.

NURSE.
What is it Mr. Garet?

JACOB becomes extremely anxious, while
his breathing becomes shallow.

JACOB.
(Anxious)
You have to get me out of here!

NURSE.
We can't release you right now,
the Doctor will have to...

JACOB.
Screw the Doctor.

The Nurse walks over to JACOB,
trying to calm him down.
But nothing she does, works.

NURSE.
Jacob, if you don't calm down,
we are going to have to sedate you.


JACOB swings his legs over the side
of the bed, trying to make an escape,
only to fall to the floor.
The Nurse, tries to help him up,
but to no avail. JACOB wriggles out
of her grip, and slides upto a wall,
quickly trying to get on his feet.

NURSE.
Jacob, try to calm down.

JACOB proceeds out of the doorway,
and looks at the nurses station.
He sees blood stains on the pristine
white walls, nurses and doctors
laying on the floor, in puddles of
blood. The room is in disaray,
papers strewn about on the floor,
bookcases knocked over.

JACOB turns around and looks back in
his room, the lights are off again,
and no sign of the nurse. As JACOB is
about to turn around, to run, a force
knocks him to the floor, which breaks
the splint open, it falls to
the floor, and in a fit of rage, JACOB
tears off the other one, completely
ignoring the pain.
He gets up, and makes a run for it,
casually stumbling over his own feet.

CUT TO.

EXT. FRONT OF RIDGEHURST HOSPITAL - NIGHT

JACOB barges through the front door, and
runs towards the woods.
A Car pulls up next to JACOB.
It's Bill.

BILL.
Jacob? What are you doing out?

JACOB runs over to the car,
and gets in.

JACOB.
Go, Go, Go.

INT. BILLS CAR - NIGHT

BILL pulls off, and drives into
the night.

BILL.
You want to tell me what's your
hurry Jacob?

JACOB.
Just get me home.

BILL.
(concerned)
Jacob, what is going on in
your life?

JACOB tries to massage his arm, despite
the pain. He looks like he was hit by a
truck, and he feels it too.

JACOB.
Just get me home.
I'll tell you everything there.

BILL gets out his Cell Phone,
and attempts to make a call.

BILL.
JACOB, I'm going to call
the police.

JACOB graps the cell phone,
and smashes it into the dashboard,
and breaks BILLS cell phone.

JACOB.
Like hell you are.
Just drive.

BILL.
You need help, Jacob.

JACOB.
What gave you that clue?

BILL turns onto the street of
JACOBS house, and reaches the
driveway. BILL pulls in.
They both get out of the car.
JACOB limps to his front door,
reaches under the door mat, gets his
spare key, and then opens his door.

INT. JACOBS HOUSE - NIGHT

JACOB climbs up the stairs,
and gets changed.

BILL enters the into JACOBS bedroom.
He sits down, in a chair.

BILL.
What do you think your doing?

JACOB.
Getting the hell out of here.

JACOB goes to his closet, and grabs
a suitcase. He begins to pack it
with various articals of clothing,
not caring if they will match or not.

JACOB.
Listen, despite how I feel right now,
fill me in, on you.

BILL.
I don't understand.

JACOB.
Like how about that scar
I heard about, on your lung?

BILL gets up, and walks over to JACOB.

BILL.
Well, if you must know,
it wasn't a scar, just
some dust on the X-Ray lens.
But...

JACOB.
I'll be right back.

BILL.
Where are you going Jacob?
Talk to me.

JACOB ignores his Pastor,
and goes into the bathroom.

INT. JACOBS BEDROOM - NIGHT

BILL, gets on the phone, and
dials 911.

OPERATOR.
911, whats your emergency?

BILL.
My name is Bill Barnes,
And I'm at 1925 Lumley Lane.
My friend, is acting really
irrational.

OPERATOR.
How so, sir?

BILL looks out of the doorway,
to see if JACOB is coming

BILL.
He just broke out of the
hospital, and he seems like
a threat to himself.

BILL walks back into the room,
and sits down.

OPERATOR.
Ok, sir, I will dispatch
a squad car there momentarily.
Stay on the line, please.


BILL looks over to the doorway,
and sees JACOB standing there,
with a hint of paranoia on his face.
BILL hangs up the telephone.

JACOB.
Who were you talking to?

BILL.
Just checking my messages, thats all.

JACOB walks in, picks up
the phone, and hits redial.

OPERATOR.
911, Whats your emergency?

JACOB hangs up the receiver.

JACOB.
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.
Thats a lie.

BILL.
Jacob, I can't help you this
way.

JACOB limps towards his door,
trying to make a run for it,
as though his very life depended
on it.

EXT. LUMLEY LANE - NIGHT

JACOB is half way down the street,
With his Pastor trailing behind him.
JACOB cuts a corner, and heads towards
the woods. The moon giving off a glow,
through the trees. As though there
might be a little hope left.

BILL.
(Yelling)
JACOB!

JACOB continues to run, as fast as
he can, as if his ankles weren't
hurting him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The last of this is to come shortly,
yes folks, the end is near for this little
tale. And it is my hope, you love every bit
of the ending, as you did what preceded it.
My hope is, that it will shock you.


Enjoy! and Stay Tuned!

Raven

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 08-12-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

bump

[actressgirl_05]

I like the new installment. Is this a short?

[RavenBlade]

yeah, it's going to be a short.
I wanted to extend it more,
flesh it out, but in a way
I'm still happy with how it's
turning out. Hell I'm even surprised
myself, in the fact that i could
even write a script.

But that's not to say, I couldn't
work on a longer script, despite
it being much harder to do, then
writing Poetry.
I may just write an anthology of short
film scripts, with this one being the
first in the series.
Well we'll see what happens.
Thanks for the reply, and glad you
liked it.

Raven

[RavenBlade]

bump!

[RavenBlade]

JACOB makes it to the thresh hold
of the woods, continuing his
steady pace.
He stops when he happens
upon a clearing in the woods.
Something is disturbing him.
It's the voices of the demons.
They start to torment him.

VOICES.
Where you going Jacob?
It's not over yet.

JACOB gets down on his knees,
tears streaming from his eye's.
Clearly he has had enough, of
whats been going on.

JACOB.
For God hath not given us the spirit
of fear, but that of power, of love, and
of a sound mind.

The demons laugh at him.

VOICES.
That can't stop us, Jacob.


Jacob looks around through teary eyes,
trying to find some hope, someone
that can protect him from the
onslaught.
Suddenly, one of the demons runs through
JACOBS body, to which it makes him scream
in agony. The demon leaves his body.
JACOB is laying prostate on the ground.
BILL comes to the clearing, and sees his
friend, on the ground. BILL rushes
over to JACOBS aid, kneeling down,
he touches JACOB.
It causes JACOB to get up, and recognize
the truth, as he starts to thrash his fist at BILL.

JACOB.
(Screaming)
DIE, DIE, DIE.
Don't...touch me!

BILL screams as JACOB continues
to assualt him.
JACOB stops wailing on him.
He breaks down in a myriad of tears.
The harsh realization, slapping his
face like sleet and freezing rain,
as he knows, that he has gone crazy.

JACOB starts to run again.
Going deeper into the night.
Tree branches slap his face,
as he makes his way to the
Lumley Cliffs.

BILL.
JACOB!!


JACOB.
(whispering)
Stay away Bill, don't follow
me, just stay away.

JACOB made it to his destination.
Lumley Cliffs. It looks over
the small town of Greely Grove.
He kicks a small rock down the cliff.
It goes down 20 feet.
JACOB knows what he has to do, even though
deep inside of him, he knows it's wrong.

JACOB stares up into the night sky,
trying to look past the stars.
Wanting to see Heaven.

JACOB.
God, I know this is wrong,
but I can't stand it anymore.
Even though I have repented of
all my sins....

BILL gets up off of the ground,
massaging his face.

JACOB.
I still can't get over this.
I don't hold you responcible,
for my troubles.

BILL starts to run into the woods,
trailing after JACOB.

JACOB.
Please forgive me, God.
I'm sorry.

BILL reaches the Lumley Cliffs
and sees JACOB, praying.
BILL wants to desparetly go over
to JACOB, but doesn't. He knows
that a mans time with God, is private.
He stares at JACOB, with hopelesness.

JACOB.
If i had a chance to do it over,
I would. But I don't.
I'm so sorry God.
Please take me home.

BILL starts to walk slowly over
to JACOB.

BILL.
Jacob, don't do it.

JACOB turns around to see his
Pastor. And with outstretched
arms, JACOB is defeated. He falls
backwards, falling down the cliff.

BILL.
JACOB

BILL gets down on his knees,
knowing that he had failed
to save his friend. He cries.
Weeping bitterly.


CUT TO.


EXT. RIDGEHURST HOSPITAL - CLOUDY DAY

The television crews are setting up
their cameras. RITA EVANS, the reporter
for WLMW Channel 3 News, preps her
microphone.

RITA.
We could to go?

The camera man gives her the thumbs up.

RITA.
We're here at Ridgehurst Hospital.

The cameraman gets a picture of the Hospital,
then shifts the view back to RITA.

Where hours early, the police made
a grizzly discovery. Doctors and Nurses
where found killed. They were lead to believe this man

She holds up a picture of JACOB.

RITA.
Jacob Garet was the killer.

She puts the photo down.

RITA.
He had escaped last night, after suffering
some trauma a week ago.
We were informed that he had killed himself,
just a few short hours ago,
at the Lumely Cliffs, not to far from here.

RITA, covers her head as rain starts to fall.

RITA.
He is survived by, his ex-wife Linda Davenport.

She puts her finger to her ear, trying to catch what the reporters back at the station
are feeding her, through the ear piece.

RITA.
We just got word, that when Jacob was
younger, he had killed his mother.
When the police arrived at the scene,
he claimed that demons took her life.
The state put him in a psychiatric institute,
till he was capable of standing before the Judge, for his crime.

She lowers the microphone, and puts
on her hood, to keep the rain from getting
into her eyes.

RITA.
But they claimed that they didn't have
enough evidence to convict him.
So he was set free.
This is Rita Evans for Channle 3 News.


The cameraman, puts down his camera into
the station van. RITA, walks over
to the van, and puts away the microphone.
Suddenly, demons grab her by the throat.
She tries to scream, but is silenced.

FADE OUT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus concludes the first entry into
my Horror Anthology, yet to be named.
The next one is The Beast of Devil Hills Lake.

I hope you enjoyed this tale.

Any feedback? shoot it my way.

Thanks

Raven.

[RavenBlade]

bump

[RavenBlade]

bump http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/contrib/blackeye/drooling3.gif

[actressgirl_05]

LOL, that face was funny...

...anyway! I thought it was pretty good, but there's something I can't stop thinking about.

Did he actually kill his mother and all those people, or was it these demons that only he could see?

I was kind of upset that he killed himself in the end, but I guess not everything ends up happily ever after.

actressgirl_05 http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif

[RavenBlade]

Thanks Actress,

Umm, as to whether or not
he really killed his mother?
I leave that up to you to think
about.

But, if you remember, one of the
demons attacks the reporter at the
end, before the Fade out.

I didn't really want to have him
kill himself, but i felt, as you
stated, not everything is happily
ever after.

Evil never overcomes good.
Now I'm a Christian, and I know I will
get alot of slack over this, from
my fellow believers. But even
a Christian's life can be hell,
with no other way out, other then
to kill ones self. Knowing full well
what the outcome is, after death.
Sometimes, no matter how much we believe,
everything will work out for the better,
it just doesn't happen.
And I'm not trying to preach here,
But It's not Gods fault either.
He gave us free will, and the right
to exercise it, or let it go.
As we see with Jacob, he let it go.
Letting everything that's wrong with him,
get the better of him, and he dismantled
his free will.

As I posted on another topic, in a different
message board, regaurding someone killing
themselves. Sometimes, it's all they have
left. Sure they could've held onto
hope that they will be safe, and God and Jesus will rescue them. But it
just might have been all they had left.

Glad you liked it.

Also, as i told you before, i plan
to write alternate endings to this
story. So keep checking back,
and see what's different.

Thanks again.

Raven

[actressgirl_05]

Believe me, I know what it's like to be a christian (my Dad used to be a minister). I believe in God, and I know that a christian can go through hell. In fact, I think they sometimes go through more hell than the non-believers.

I understand that killing himself in this story was the only thing Jacob could do. I really appriciate this story, because of this aspect. Jacob wasn't normal, and he had to protect the world.

Now that I think about it, I think it WAS the demons that killed his Mother, because of what happened to the reporter. Thanks for pointing that out Raven. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/smile.gif

I hope to see the alternate ending soon. http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

actressgirl_05 http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif



[This message has been edited by actressgirl_05 (edited 08-21-2002).]

[FZFamilyGuy]

Dude boring. Crappy dialogue followed by crazy intense none real events followed by more crappy dialogue. Not good. It grabbed me for awhile but then i got bored, QUICK.

[RavenBlade]

never mind

[RavenBlade]

Bump


I know the formating is way
off, and there are some
verbose lines in it, but
I really loved writing this
short script, and so far
is one of my favorites,
hence why I am bumping this,
so I can get some feedback,
on how to refine this.

Nuggets that need to be clipped,
and the such.

As soon as I get enough money,
I have plans to film this, which again
is imperative that it's all fleshed out.

So any feed back, will be appreciated.

I know it's alot of reading to do,
but if you ask to have it all in
a word format, I will do it.

Thanks.

Raven

[Tuukka]

The script is so long, that I will just comment on the very first post. I will ignore stuff that workds and analyze things that don't work.

Therefore my post will seem rather negative. Don't care about that, just ponder if you agree with my comments. Make changes, if you agree with me.

Fade In.

RE: Should be "FADE IN:"


INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

The sun peaks through the curtains,
of a pristine white bedroom window.
JACOB GARET, lies still, motionless,
as though he were paralyzed. His eye's
stareing blankly at the ceiling.
The alarm clock goes off signaling
that it's time to face the day.

JACOB.
(V.O.)
You see that man, lying on the bed?
Thats me. And in about a few seconds,
the voices in my head will kick in.

Suddenly, soft whispers echo through the room, causing JACOB to cover his ears, to
prevent the madness from seeping into his cranium.

JACOB.
(In a strong yell)
STOP IT!

JACOB continues to yell, and in effect,
the earth starts to shake violently.
The blinds rattle, and JACOBS bed begins
to shake, and books on the shelves fall to the floor. The sun starts to fade in and out,
as though someone was at the helm of the switch. Just then, all becomes normal.
JACOB starts to cry.

JACOB.
God, please help me.
I don't want to hear
these voices anymore.

RE: Here is a problem. First the voiceover tells that Jacob hears voices. Then we actually see how he hears the voices. Then he says aloud that he hears voices.

That's three times. You tell the audience the same things three times, in three different ways.

That's two times too many.

Since film is a visual medium, the way we SEE the situation has the strongest dramatic effect. Get rid of the voiceover and Jacob's line.

JACOB proceeds to get out of his bed,
and walks to the bathroom, taking erstwhile
swipes at his eye's to vanquish the tears.

RE: This could be taken away, since we get the same info on the following scene.

INT. BATHROOM - MORNING

JACOB looks into the mirror, still wiping
away the tears. He opens the medicine cabinet, and allows his fingers to stalk
for his medication. Suddenly, the medicine
cabinet door, slams madly by an unseen force,
trapping JACOBS hand in between.
JACOB screams and struggles for a few minuets,

RE: You are going to show him struggling FOR A FEW MINUTES? Do you really think that the audience wants to watch a guy who's hand is between a cabinet door for 2-4 minutes? Sounds boring.

and finaly the door opens, allowing
his hand to become free.

JACOB.
Jesus, help me, PLEASE!!

RE: Does he SHOUT this? Since he has spesific medication for his condition, this apparently happens a lot to him. Does he always cry for Jesus when it happens? Every time? This line seems a bit off. The scene would be better without it.

JACOB stares at his hand, and see's that it is turning purple. He turns on the cold water, and puts his hand under it, gently massaging.

JACOB looks up at the mirror, and see's his reflection, he looks back down at his hand,
then looks again in the mirror, as though he saw something uncommon. As he stares, he see's that his reflection has an evilish
grin on its face. JACOB, trying hard not to believe what he see's covers his mouth, and waits for the visage to do the same, only to see that it failed.

RE: You need more exposition for Jacob's condition. Is this the first time he hears voices? Sees things? Or has it happened 500 times before? I have no idea. Everything seem to happen very fast and I don't know why Jacob reacts as he does.

JACOB.
There is only so much i can take,
and this is the last straw.

RE: Jacob seems to have a habit of talking to himself. Is he mentally challenged? A bit dumb, perhaps. It's clumsy writing to make your characters state things aloud, when nobody is around to hear them.

JACOB grabs the cabinet from the inside,
and swings it full force into the wall,
knocking it off its hinges. The glass shatters all over the floor.

RE: Jacob seems awfully calm. I would be scared shitless if things like this would happen to me. So apparently this all has happened to him before. For some reason it's OK for him if the sun switches on and off like a lamp, but a mirror image which refuses to imitate him is too much. Why is that? The mirror doesn't really seem any worse than the sun, or the shaking bed. You have not established Jacob's condition, so I can't know why he decides this is too much. You have to give me more information, or I don't care.

JACOB.
(proudly)
That aught to do it.

RE: Talking to himself again? And how exactly does breaking the mirror help to make things all right? How does it make voices go away? Or the thing with the sun? Why is the mirror only thing that really matters to him?

EXT. TUDOR HOME - MORNING.

Trees, line the nice suburbs, they stretch
up and around the bend. A few kids ride their bikes. JACOB walks outside,
still in his pajamas and picks up his newspaper. Before heading back inside, he looks around to see if there was any damage to the exterior of his home, but saw none.
With this, he walks back inside.

RE: When he watches his house, how do the audience know that he is looking for damage. If he just watchs there, he might be just admiring the new paint. The audience has no idea why he watches there. It doesn't help if it reads in the script, the audience has not read your script.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

JACOB goes to the refridgerator,
opens it up, and takes out some orange juice.
He then walks to the cupboard, takes out a glass, then fills it with the orange juice.
He leaves the carton on the counter.

RE: I hope this all plays a VERY important part in the story later on, because I don't watch movies to see someone pouring orange juice. If these details have no meaning in the story, cut them off. I don't need to know.

JACOB looks out the window, to see his next door neighbor, MOLLY JAMES watering her garden. MOLLY notices him watching her,
she waves,

RE: I quickly skipped over your following posts. I might be mistaken, but there didn't seem to be any mention of Molly after this. At least she didn't have any dialogue. In case she doesn't make an appearance again, why bother mentioning her. It's waste of space. Stick to your story.

and JACOB lifts up his glass of O.J. in acknowledgement, then turns around to sit at the kitchen table, to read the Newspaper. He scans through it, but nothing catches his eye.

JACOB.
Nothing interesting today.
Guess that's a good thing.

RE: So the audience follows Jacob to read a newpaper only to find out that there is nothing interesting. YOUR SCENE is not interesting. I don't want to watch a film where someone reads an uninteresting newspaper. Give me a story instead.

And Jacob seems like a pretty thick guy since he is always talking to himself. How many people in real life actually say aloud all the things when they are alone?

JACOB gets up, and is about to walk out of the kitchen, when he realizes that he's yet to feed his Germen Shepard GORDY. He Leans down, and fills the dog dish with food, and then puts some fresh water in it. JACOB gets up, and then calls for his dog.

JACOB.
(cheerful)
Here, Gordy, come here, time for
some chow.

GORDY runs in, and slides across the floor,
narrowly missing hitting the cabinet.

JACOB pats GORDY on the head.

JACOB.
Good boy.

RE: I really hope that GORDY has an important role in the story later on. If he doesn't, then cut him off. I didn't notice him in your following posts, but maybe he was there somewhere.

All in all, the first half was interesting, but on the 2nd half nothing happened. Just some boring, random things that didn't seem to have anything to do with the story.

Cut away the entire 2nd half, and introduce your story consept as fast as possible. Jacob obviously has a big problem, but where is the story going? Try to hook your audience as fast as possible. Don't bother with boring everyday morning routines.

Jacob's problem itself is an interesting one, and could provide good potential.

If you write a new draft, I can comment on it.

I won't read how the story continues, since at first you should make your beginning work.

BTW, there are a lot of heavy grammary errors. Try to spell-check your writings.

[RavenBlade]

Tuukka

Thanks for the reply.

Seeing as this is my first
passion project, I want
it to be just right.

When I first started to write
this, I thought it was going
well, but from your post,
I can see where I messed
up, and thanks for clearing
it up.

I didn't realize that I did it
three times, with the voices,
in the beginning. I will work
on that. You have given
subtle hints, and it seems
I can manage to flesh it
out a bit more, story wise.

Thank you for your time.

Time for me to get the ball rolling.

Raven

[Tuukka]

I read your whole story. Admittedly I did pretty fast, so I probably missed some details.

In general I think your story works. It has a good set-up and a pay-off. There is a mystery to it which makes you want to read more.

Now, into problems...

At first you establish that Jacob hears voices and has hallusinations. This is the first important step in your story.

The second important step is when the pastor has the phone call with the demonic voice. At this point the audience starts to think that the voices are for real.

Everything between these two scenes is a filler. The story moves nowhere.

I liked the scene in the elevator, but there is a problem here. The hallucinations in the beginning are much more extreme.

You have to start with subtle hallucinations and then make them stronger every time. This gives the impression that Jacob is getting worse. And it keeps the audience guessing how bad the situation is going to get.

And don't do too many of them. They lose their power if every once in a while there is a new hallucination scene.

Your film has two leads: Jacob and Bill. You have to introduce Bill earlier on. For example give Jacob and Bill a scene together in the very beginning. In the very first scene. Your story is not about Jacob, but about Jacob AND Bill.

This is not a feature, but a short film. Make it less than 20 pages. There is a lot of stuff you can cut out here.

Think of the 3 act structure. IMHO it should go like this:

1st act:

Introduce Jacob and Bill. Introduce Jacob's problem. Cut away all the boring stuff about the work and so on. At the end of 1st act make it clear that the voices DO exist in reality. This leads to...

2nd act.

Jacob struggles with the voices and Bill tries to help him. But Jacob gets worse until at the end of the 2nd act Bill realizes that Jacob will kill him. You could make Bill find out about the death of the mother, and this makes him think Jacob is a crazy psycho. Jacob finally loses it and becomes a threat of death for Bill, which leads into...

3rd act.

Jacob and Bill battle against each other. Build tension here, will Bill survive or not? In the end Jacob should be victorious over Bill, but he comes to his senses and kills himself. The End. Don't bother with the reporter, that ending was really cheesy.

Hopefully that suggestion guideline gives you some ideas of where you should take the script.

[Tuukka]

Added thoughts:

It might not be a good idea for me to make such exact suggestions on where you should take your story. Take my ideas as simple suggestions.

The important thing is that you have to focus more on WHAT YOUR STORY IS. Now it's a bit unfocused. It has scenes and characters that don't really add anything to the actual story.

So my advice is that write a story synopsis based on very tight 3 act structure. If you are not familiar with structural issues, I recommend books of Syd Field. He has made an art out of this. In fact he goes sometimes a bit too far with his structural ideas, putting down what should happen on every page. His seems more like a numerologist than a screenwriter sometimes.

But his writings give you good guidelines on how to build a structurally coherent screenplay.

Write down with simple sentences what happens on every scene. Like this:

1. Jacob and Bill are at church and they talk about Jacob's problem, but the audience doesn't know what the problem is yet.

2. Jacob wakes up at home and hears voices.

... And so on.

Then look at those scenes and think if every scene is moving the story forward. If not, then cut the useless scenes off.

And when you have written the detailed synopsis like this, go to this link:

http://www.wordplayer.com./columns/wp05.Death.to.Readers.html

Go through the list in there and check if you can give a positive answer to every question. If not, then your script needs more work.

Good luck!

[RavenBlade]

Tuukka,

The post before your last one
was full of suggestions,
and they are worthy to have
been mentioned.

I like the fact that there should
be some conversation, or
dealings, between Jacob, and Bill,
in the beginning, rather then a
few pages in to the story.

I'm just trying to figure out
where the scenario should take
place. I don't really want them
meeting in church, only to find
out that maybe some odd
pages later, Jacob has to go back,
even though he completely forgot.

So I may add, where the both of them
meet at a diner, and sit in a private booth, away from the fellow patrons.

About bringing up a short synopsis,
for each scene, it sounds great,
and it's a shame that I didn't
think about it before.

I however liked that he went to work,
it showed some sign of normalcy, and
that he tried not to let what happened earlier really get to him. Kind of like how a therapist will tell you, to get up and do something constructive, rather then sitting at home and dwelling on the problem. But I probably can exsise
some parts. And I agree, that the hallucinations should start off small,
and be kind of sparce, and allow them
to be grander, each time they occur.

But, to be honest, in reality, some people who hallucinate, have ones that are soft, then ones that are heavy.

But being that this is for audiance memebers, I guess it's best I stick to the guide line, as half of the audiance members, probably won't be so knowledgable about mental illness.

This is a kind of complex story, and I know I need to fix things up. I plan to.

thanks again.

Raven

[RavenBlade]

Bump, I have a bad feeling about the new adaptation.

Any help, in which you like better, just let me know, because
I really need to finish a script before I die.

Thanks/

Raven