The Sucide Plauge (heavy subject matter)

[RavenBlade]

Subject matter is of the heavy kind.

This one i plan to write in script form, as soon as possible, sure i'll take my time, as i don't want to rush it.
Tell me your thoughts. This is only a plot out line. Thanks

The Suicide Plauge

This story centers on a group of
five characters, who were just released
from a psychiatric hospital.

Their doctors, believed them to be
of the uncurable type, as no matter
what meds they were on, it never helped.
The doctors even tried E.S.T.
(Electro Shock Therapy)
Which was the last resource at finding
something to alleviate the pain of their
insanity.

They made a pact while
smoking ciggarettes in the
deep trenches of the woods near their home,
about them killing themselves at exactly
one year after the first suicide within the
group.

So in five years total, they will all
finally give up trying to survive.
Once the first suicide is set in motion,
a lie is formed, as the survivors
would come up with a plan
to figure out what to tell the first suicide
victims family.

The lie being that, the first to off themself
would be a runaway.

Those in attendance would bury their friends
one by one within the woods, as soon as
the deed is done.

After two more suicides, and two more lies are told,
the secrets they hold within them, begin to
take center stage.
Will one of the survivors crack, and come forth,
spilling the secrets to the victims family?
And exactly why are the cops on their trail,
has someone already spilled the beans?
Or is it that someone was watching them
from behind the trees?

With the cops hot on their heels,
and their parents getting edgy,
will they continue with the pact,
or will one lose control,
and end all their lives
in an explosive finale to
The Suicide Plauge??

[imagemaker]

I do not understand a lot of it....A few questions before I give my feedback on the idea.
1. If these people are so insane wouldnt they be in a hospital?
2. How can people this insane come together and make these plans together.
3. What would be the point of making up the lies? Why couldnt they just kill themselves?

[RavenBlade]

I do not understand a lot of it....A few questions before I give my feedback on the idea.
1. If these people are so insane wouldnt they be in a hospital?
2. How can people this insane come together and make these plans together.
3. What would be the point of making up the lies? Why couldnt they just kill themselves?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, Imagemaker, they were in the hospital, but due to the limited space, some had to be shuffled out the door.

2. They aren't that insane, just to much emotional pain.

3. The reason for the lies, is because that is the plan, they are aware of whats going on in the world, and if it was one mass suicide, well, for the life of me, i couldn't believe that it would go further.

The characters are fragile, like glass, drop them, and they break into tiny slivers.

I want to have tension between the surviving groups, and not an immediate closure to the story.

Thanks for your reply, and if more needs to be cleared up, i'll be happy to do so. Also,
as this is only a plot outline, things can change, as i have yet to start the script.

Ciao

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-19-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

I'm going to try my best to make this script as professional as possible. So bare with me, if something seems out of order, i.e. grammer, punctuation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Fade In.


INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A 17 year old boy, walks over to his camcorder, sets it to record, and then
proceeds to sit down in front of the lens.
The boy, has pain in his eye's, and it shows
as he speaks.

BOY.
My name is Christopher Carpenter, I'm 17 years old, and in need of major psychological help.

CHRIS.
I've been in this world, for what seems to be
an eternity. I lived with pain, as though it were a birthmark, it's a permanent thing.
I, just can't take it anymore.
I wanted to tape myself talking, because my wrist hurts.

Chris shows the scar on his wrist.
It looks a little jagged. He then turns
and looks away from the lens.

CHRIS.
And typing it on my computer
doesn't help to ease the pain.
Just so you know, tonight is the night,
death sleeps over.
I just wanted to say goodbye, and
atleast with this tape
you can see my face, and remember me.

Chris gets up, and walks to his dresser drawer, and slides it open. He takes out a
razorblade, and then walks back to face the camcorder one last time.

CHRIS.
Sorry mom. I love you. Goodbye.

Chris takes the razorblade to his wrist,
and slashes it with minor ferocity.
Chris drops to the floor.


INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - NIGHT


Nurses, and doctors walk past draped rooms.
Some moaning is heard from one of the patients. A woman walks upto the nurses desk.

WOMAN.
Excuse me, can you tell me anything about
my son Chris. I've been pacing back
and forth for hours, and nobody seems to be telling me a thing.

The nurse looks up from a stack of papers.

NURSE.
And your name is?

The woman gets alittle agitated.

WOMAN.
Amanda Carpenter. And if it wouldn't be so much trouble, I would like to know what the hell is going on with my son.

The nurse stands up.

NURSE.
Uh, you'll have to wait for.

She looks for a paper that contains the
information on who the doctor is.
The nurse picks up the paper, and scans it.

NURSE.
Doctor Spielman.
He should be back in about twenty minuets.

Amanda looks at her watch, then shows it to
the nurse.

AMANDA.
Look at the time, do you see it, is it clear
enough for you? It's one in the morning, I have been in here for hours on end, haven't heard a damn word on what's going on with my son, I mean, for all I know, he could be half past dead!

Amanda gets more aggitated, and tears start
streaming from her eye's.

AMANDA.
And you tell me, that I have to wait for Dr. Spielman? I don't think so, I want answers, and i want them now.

The nurse gets taken aback, clearly not used
to being talked to that way.

NURSE.
(nervously)
Let me see, if...if I can get ahold of him.

AMANDA.
Could you please? Thank you.

The nurse reaches for the extenision of the microphone, and pages Dr. Spielman.

NURSE.
Dr. Spielman, to the front nurses desk,
(beat)
Dr. Spielman, to the front nurses desk, stat.

Amanda, starts to walk away from the nurses station, and bumps into a doctor.

DOCTOR.
(out of breath)
Oh, God, I'm sorry about that.

He brushes off some dust from his lab coat.

DOCTOR.
You ok?

Amanda tries to regain her composure.

AMANDA.
I'll be better once i find Dr. Spielman.

The doctor, points to his name tag, which reveals that he is Dr. Spielman.

DR. SPIELMAN.
Well, I'm him. Can I help you with something?

Amanda appears to be relieved, but still slightly on edge.

AMANDA.
Yeah, as a matter of fact you can.
Try filling me in on what's going on with
my son.

DR. SPIELMAN.
His name is?

AMANADA.
Chris Carpenter. He attempted suicide
earlier last night. What's going on?

Dr. Spielman walks over to the nurses station, and picks up the piece of paper
with Chris's information on it.
He then walks back over to Amanda.

Dr. Spielman.
Well, i have some minor good news.
He's fine. We sedated him, stitched up his wrist, after repairing some tendons.

Amanda looks down at her feet, worried about what comes next.

AMANDA.
You say minor good news, like there's some bad news, am I right?

DR. SPIELMAN.
Yes, there is.
You see, when your son, cut his wrist,
he also damaged some of his nerves.
It's going to leave his right wrist,
in a sort of numb state. It will irritate him, because there will be minor pain.

AMANDA.
Can I see him?

DR. SPIELMAN.
Yes, right this way.

Dr. Spielman puts his hand on the back of Amandas shirt, leading her into Chris room.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT

There is minimal light showing in the room.
The only sounds that can be heard are heart monitors, and echos of footsteps coming from
the hallways.
Chris lies in his bed, with his wrist bandaged. He appears to be groggy, trying to keep his eye's open, yet failing for short amounts of time.

Amanda walks over to the bedside, and sits down beside him.
She clasps her hands to her mouth, in a state of shock. Tears welling up in her eyes. She reaches over to hug him, and then kisses his cheek.

AMANDA.
(choking back some tears)
Chris, are you ok?

CHRIS.
(in a daze)
Mom, is that you?

She grabs his left hand, and gently squeezes it, holding it, as though it would be the last time she would ever get to touch him again.

AMANDA.
Yes baby, it's me.

CHRIS.
I'm sorry mom, i'm so sorry.
It's just that the pain, it was just to
much. I'm sorry.

Chris starts to cry.

AMANDA.
It's ok, it's ok, atleast your still alive.
It'll be ok, I'm here.

Chris starts to nod off again, and then jolts up, like someone startled him.

CHRIS.
Whats going on? what happend?

AMANDA.
It's alright Chris, calm down.
Your in the hospital.

Chris, searches his surroundings.

CHRIS.
(confused)
Why?

AMANDA.
You tried to kill yourself earlier.
I was just about to go to sleep, and then i heard a loud crash, coming from your room.
I ran to your room, and then i saw you, on the floor, gripping your wrist, then i saw the blood seeping through the cracks of your fingers.

CHRIS.
Will i be ok? Am i going to die?

AMANDA.
Yes Chris, you'll be fine, your safe now.
Your safe.

She gets up, and leans over Chris, and hugs him again, consoling him.

AMANDA.
You'll be fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will post more, as it comes to me.
Please give me feedback, and some tips.

Thanks a bunch my fellow shmoes.

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-20-2002).]

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 07-21-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

sorry, guys for this little bump,
i'm just curious about your thoughts,
about this.

[RavenBlade]

no one?

[RavenBlade]

any one?? feed back is needed

[pedro]

I like it. It's really dark and chilling, I can see the tension mounting in your outline. Good luck with your work, it sounds like it could work out pretty good. Maybe a little more research would help. Read some more into institutions and actual cases of suicide.

[RavenBlade]

Thanks Pedro, for the feedback.
As for the research, there's really no need to do that, because i have been in and out of institutions, enough to know both the ins and outs of what goes on.

Thanks again.

[RavenBlade]

CUT TO.

EXT. RAVEN MOUNT PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL - DAY

Patients are shuffled outside, for cigarette
break. The gaurds keep a watchful eye on the patients, while occasionaly lighting a few cigarettes.

Chris stares into the woods, intently, as though there was something there, and he couldn't make it out. A woman in her late fifties, walks over to Chris.

WOMAN.
(with a southern accent)
You ok darling? From the looks of things,
it would seem, your not.

Chris takes a drag on his Newport.

CHRIS.
No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

WOMAN.
Well, do you want to talk about it?

CHRIS.
Maybe later. By the way, my name is Chris.

WOMAN.
My name is Tulip

Chris turns his attention to Tulip,
and takes another drag on his cigarette.

CHRIS.
Tulip, huh?

TULIP.
Yeah, i know it sounds weird, but ever since my husband Daniel died, i have carried his favorite flower around. And the locals just started calling me that. And now I'm growing to like it.

Chris finishes off his cigarette, and flicks it away, as if it were his very life, not wanting it anymore.

CHRIS.
Sorry to hear about your husband.

TULIP.
It's ok, atleast he is in a better place
then we are.

CHRIS.
That's true, but still, it is sad to hear.

The gaurds blow their whistles, to gather the residents, and to take them inside.

Chris gets up with Tulip, and walks to the main door.

CHRIS.
It was nice to meet you.

TULIP.
The pleasure was all mine.

INT. GROUP THERAPY ROOM - DAY

Chairs are set in a circle, so everyone can see each other.
A group of people are herded in, and they take there seats. Chris takes one by the window.

A Doctor, and two Nurses walk in and take their seats.

DOCTOR.
Hello Group, my name is Dr. Lewis,
and the two lovely ladies by my side are
Nurse Monroe, and Nurse Brandy.
Nurse Brandy, is new to this ward, so everyone welcome her.

GROUP.
(in unison)
Hi Nurse Brandy.

Nurse Brandy waves a hand at them with a shy smile.

NURSE BRANDY.
Hi.

Dr. Lewis clears his throat, then proceeds to speak.

DR. LEWIS.
Ok, for those of you who do not know,
we have a new guest with us.
Chris Carpenter, won't you please introduce yourself?

Chris stands up.

CHRIS.
Hey, my name is Chris.

GROUP.
(in unison)
Hi Chris.

Chris sits back down, and then stares out the window.

DR. LEWIS.
Do you want to say anything, maybe tell us alittle about yourself, Chris?

CHRIS.
Not right now, but if you must know,
I am a tad ticked off, that i didn't die.

DR. LEWIS.
Why did you want to die?

Chris still looks out the window, his eye's burrowing deeper into the woods.
Chris doesn't respond.

DR. LEWIS.
Chris? you with us?

CHRIS.
Yeah, I'm with you, and like i said,
I'd prefer not to talk about it.

DR. LEWIS.
Ok, well, we'll come back to you.

A Patient raises his hands, and starts to hoot like an owl.

DR. LEWIS.
Do you want to start then Billy?

Another patient interrupts.

PATIENT ONE.
Uh, don't you mean Froggy, Dr. Lewis?

DR. LEWIS.
Sean, please refrain from name calling.

FROGGY.
I wish you wouldn't call me that.

SEAN.
Well, that what happens when you snore like one.

FROGGY.
(defensive)
I most certainly do not!

SEAN.
Yeah you do, i should now, i bunk with you.
You keep me up half of the night, you big lunk.

Dr. Lewis leans forward in his chair.


DR. LEWIS.
Sean, that's enough out of you.
Now Billy, what is it that you want to say?

FROGGY.
Well, i had an anxiety attack last night.
It felt like i was having an heart attack.

Chris adverts his eye's away from the window, and transfixes them on Froggy.

FROGGY.
I went to the nurses station, and they gave me some Paxil, to keep me calm.
I dozed of real good after that.

NURSE BRANDY.
How many miligrams of Paxil do you take usually?

FROGGY.
I take forty miligrams.

NURSE BRANDY.
I see, thank you.

Nurse Brandy writes that down in her notebook.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More To Come, as it comes to me.

Ciao

[Tuukka]

The basic concept it interesting. but you REALLY have to understand why people make suicides before you write this script. Can you identify with their desire to die (many people have gone through very depressive periods in their life)? Or can you at least UNDERSTAND it? Their desire to die should not seem to artificial, or otherwise it will kill your script. There should be very spesific reason for everyone's self-destuctional behaviour and there should be very valid reasons why suicide seems like the only option.

I would advice you to do some research.

[This message has been edited by Tuukka (edited 07-21-2002).]

[Hobb's End Horror]

I like the idea...this isn't exactly a "Hollywood mold" type of thing. But, you could do some research, or, talk to someone who's come out of a period like that, so you can flesh out these characters mental states. With something this deep, you're going to need to get fully into each character's mind, and totally understand their every thought and motivation before you go any further. The characters are how you express the movie. Make sure that they're always true, both to the message, and to themselves. You'll know you've gotten there when the characters tell you the story, instead of you teling it through them.

[QuentinTarantino]

Hey,

Pretty cool idea. I know another dude said above about "wouldn't they be in hospital if they're so insaine?" I totally agree with him.

My advice would be to approach the character(s) in a way that they are not really insane. They just show no remorse for the bad shit they do. They're able to talk their way out of things, etc.

A perfect example of this is Jeffery Dahmer. Check out his storys and it might help.

But, maybe this has nothing to do with where you want to take your script, so ignore this if it's of no use.

I agree with some of the other posts. You need to make it clear why these people want to die. Show motive!

This is a very good, yet dark, subject matter and if it is to be done right you will need to think about all this stuff. There are a lot of movies written and made with very good premise, but there are so few that are actually good enough and live up to the potential that the script/story had.

Iron out your idea and figure out the ins, outs and whathaveyous. Create good characters.

Be cool!

--QT

[RavenBlade]

Ok, first off guy's, thanks for your replys,
it's mucho appreciated.

Second, all the problems you have addressed,
have already been talked about in this post.

Doing research, there's no need, I have been in and out of psychiatric hospitals since i was 17, i'm going to be 27, next monday.
I have thereapy everyweek, Take my Meds.
I've been in therapy the longest, ever since i was 7. As for the suicides, well, put it this way, my stomach hurts for a reason (overdose) my wrist (guess what).
I'd go farther in detail about my further pursuits to end my life, but it seems not proper. Look at it this way, I gave up trying to die, it all failed as you can tell.

Fleshing out characters, i agree totally.

Letting Characters tell the story for me, agreed.

Talking way's out of the hospital, trying to fool them, i already did several times, only to have to go back in a few months later.

Making it clear why they want to die.
Well, As i said in the plot treatment, they are uncurable, the system failed, and in such
The system shuffled them out the door.
This idea, has to be fleshed out more, i won't argue with that.

And as for that Jeffrey Dahmer thing,
these people aren't that insane, they don't kill people, they just try to kill themselves.

But all in all, i thank you for your responces. and am glad you all took the time to read what i have so far.

Ciao

[Tuukka]

It seems that you are the right person to do this. I think this is a very interesting project and could make a very good movie. Just keep on writing...

[RavenBlade]

Thanks Tuukka. Thats all i have plans to do, is keep writing. It's a depressing little bugger though, the script i mean,
so i am still trying to take my time in writing it, because, i don't want people who read the script to think it's all about that, i'm trying to add some comedic although slight relief to the story, as to compensate for the lack of cheerfullness.

Thanks again.

[RavenBlade]

bump.

i still need some feedback,
if you can provide, i would be much obliged.
Thanks

[PhantomRhyter]

RavenBlade,

I think you're onto something really interesting and timely here. It is one of the most original ideas I have seen in a long time. It's hard for me to comment futher on this (and believe me I've wanted to), but for obvious reasons, just what you've told so far is so disturbing to me, that its really hard for me to comment much on it in a way that would be helpful to you.

I can say this much however, I think you're onto a good story here, one that needs to be told. I think you ought to sit back and reflect on your own experiences for your research and put a little bit of yourself into each character (ie. let each character have some significant trait that you might have). I'm sure you can work out the details as to how they get out of the hospital and all that so just handle that in ways that you've seen yourself (I'm sure we'd all be surprised to learn just how lax the 'rules' can become when a hospital is faced with the bottom line dollar issue).

Writing this as a script is not a bad idea, but this might even be a story you might want to turn into a novel as well. The tension and suspense is going to come from us worrying about whether or not your characters are going to go through with their plans. It is interesting that only they will be the 'victims' so that they are sort of both 'heroes' and 'villains' now are'nt they-->that's what is going to make this so compelling.

Do it man, but do it well. That's all I can say about it. No one here better than you can understand just how important this story is, but I do have an inkling.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[PhantomRhyter]

RavenBlade,

I think you're onto something really interesting and timely here. It is one of the most original ideas I have seen in a long time. It's hard for me to comment futher on this (and believe me I've wanted to), but for obvious reasons, just what you've told so far is so disturbing to me, that its really hard for me to comment much on it in a way that would be helpful to you.

I can say this much however, I think you're onto a good story here, one that needs to be told. I think you ought to sit back and reflect on your own experiences for your research and put a little bit of yourself into each character (ie. let each character have some significant trait that you might have). I'm sure you can work out the details as to how they get out of the hospital and all that so just handle that in ways that you've seen yourself (I'm sure we'd all be surprised to learn just how lax the 'rules' can become when a hospital is faced with the bottom line dollar issue).

Writing this as a script is not a bad idea, but this might even be a story you might want to turn into a novel as well. The tension and suspense is going to come from us worrying about whether or not your characters are going to go through with their plans. It is interesting that only they will be the 'victims' so that they are sort of both 'heroes' and 'villains' now are'nt they-->that's what is going to make this so compelling.

Do it man, but do it well. That's all I can say about it. No one here better than you can understand just how important this story is, but I do have an inkling.

Chills,
PhantomRhyter

[imagemaker]

I really like your idea (now that i understand it more) and am really getting into the portions or the script that you have posted so far. Is that all you have or is there more?? Other than some minor problems i have with a little of the dialoge I really like it!! Keep it up and post more or send me the script...jar380@hotmail.com

[RavenBlade]

DR. LEWIS.
Ok, I'll let Nurse Ada, know
about that. We'll increase it
just a little. If you run into
any problems, let us know.
No delaying, like you did last time.

FROGGY nods his head.

FROGGY.
Yes sir.


DR. LEWIS looks around the group, and spots,
a young girl, CRYSTAL LYNN. She sits there, twirling her hair, while rocking back and forth.

DR. LEWIS.
Crystal, what about you,
do you want to talk?


CRYSTAL.
Yeah, I want to go home.
I've been in this hell hole for
five months, been on medication
cocktails, ECT, and showing no
signs of improvement.

DR. LEWIS.
Well, there is one expiermental
drug we could try.

CRYSTAL.
I won't be anybodies
lab rat. No dice Doc.

DR. LEWIS.
Well, atleast stay for
one more week, and we will
see what we can do, is that good?

CRYSTAL has an angry look on her face.

CRYSTAL.
(angrily)
I stayed this long,
so I'm assuming another
week won't kill me.

CRYSTAL looks into the Doctors eye's
and starts to laugh wildly.
DR. LEWIS, looks unamused, by her
attempt to make light of the situation.

DR. LEWIS.
Can you please take this seriously?
It's not funny in the least.
What are you going to do when you get home?


CRYSTAL.
Sleep till the cows come home,
mister.
(beat)
Hmmm, ok, I guess I could find
a job, to keep me busy and all,
so the wackiness doesn't take over.
Then come home, and be a good little girl,
for mommy and daddy.
Hell, I'll even stay off the recreational
drugs.

DR. LEWIS.
Sounds like a plan.
What about counseling?

CRYSTAL.
Yeah, there's always that,
but frankly speaking, I've
endured alot of that, to last
a life time.

The loud speaker comes on-line.
Static can be heard with the voice
of MALE NURSE KEVIN.

KEVIN.
Will all the paitents please
come to the nurses station for
your medication, and vitals check.
Thank You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More as it comes.

Ciao

[RavenBlade]

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by imagemaker:
I really like your idea (now that i understand it more) and am really getting into the portions or the script that you have posted so far. Is that all you have or is there more?? Other than some minor problems i have with a little of the dialoge I really like it!! Keep it up and post more or send me the script...jar380@hotmail.com</font>

Well, imagemaker, can you let me know what dialouge needs to be refined?
Is it some of the jargon the doctor throws out, or something else? please get back to me on this. Thanks
I realize that this is only a rough draft,
and i hope you know that as well.
There is alot more to the script, but i want to take my time, with this puppy, as it has been a dream of mine to write something like this. I not only want to entertain the audiance with the story, but i also want to put out an awareness about our youth, and how destructive they can be, when no one is paying attention. I lived it, but not to the extremes that the characters do, although i put some of my traits into them.
I don't mean to preach, or anything,
nor do i intend to be the youths of America's
gaurdian. It is my hope, that if this is to be made into a film, that some parents will pay closer attention to their children, rather then ignoring the signs, and letting
them be destructive to both themselves, and to others as well.

Thanks for your reply.

Ciao

[Hobb's End Horror]

After reading some more of this, I have to say, I think it's pretty damn great. I have also been through (I hope it's over with) a similar state of mind. I think it could be the best alienated youth story since A BETTER PLACE. It could actually be a socially relevant movie kids wouldn't blow off.

[RavenBlade]

INT. RAVEN MOUNT PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL - SAME

Chris, and the other residents
wait in line at the front
nurses station.
Suddenly AROURA MANDEL a patient, starts to gets edgy, and screams.

AROURA.
I WANT OUT OF HERE!!

She runs through the group,
knocking them over. She runs
towards the exit, gripping the
door knob, squeezing the life out of
it, her knuckles turn white.
She pushes herself into the thick
wooden door, kicking and screaming.

Nurses and orderlies, run to her,
trying to get her to become calm.
They grab her, and try to pick her up,
her legs flailing wildly.

AROURA.
GET OFF ME, YOU MAGGOTS!!

Aroura, wriggles out of their firm
grip, and punches one of the orderlies.

AROURA.
(Screaming)
DON'T TOUCH ME

NURSE WITTINGHAM tries to talk
some sence into Auroura.

NURSE WITTINGHAM.
Calm down, Aroura,
or we'll have to sedate you.
It'll be ok.
Just calm down.

AROURA.
Like hell it will.
(Screaming)
I WANT OUT NOW!!

Chris watches in shock, still
on the floor, far from the war
zone. He begins to muster up strength
to speak.

CHRIS.
Aroura, calm down.
The silent room is no fun,
I've been there before.

Aroura, turns to face Chris.

AROURA.
Who the hell do you think
you are? You don't know me.
None of you do.

Aroura turns around and
attempts to make another
go round for the door, but is
tackled to the floor by another
orderlie.

AROURA.
LET ME GO.
GET OFF OF ME.

Nurse Wittingham rushes
into the nurses station,
gets out a hypodermic needle,
and fills it with 70 cc's of
Haldol, walks back out,
and injects it into Aroura's
arm. Aroura, struggles to break
free, but to no avail, the medicine
takes her down. She becomes
groggy.

AROURA.
(Groggily)
Let me go.

NURSE WITTINGHAM.
Take her to Room 217 for the
rest of the day.
Let her simmer down for awhile.

The orderlies, carry her to
the silent room. As they pass
Chris, who is still on the floor,
Aroura takes a glance at him.
They stare in silence, and sadness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thats it for now.
Sheesh, i haven't touched
this screenplay in awhile.

Any comments, shoot them my way
Thanks.

Raven

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 08-23-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

bump http://216.40.241.68/contrib/dvv/cwmboom2.gif

no, i am not mad, just really liked this smily is all.

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 08-24-2002).]

[SeanDeVeaux]

Well, like most people have said, the concept is intriguing. And I agree that it isn't really hollywood "mold" but definately could be a good indie film.

My major concern is the voicing of Chris. He just seems too formal. Maybe he should act a little more his age? Or was this purposefully done.

Some minor notes:
1) Odd but amusing, the nurse and doctor would have Chris' information in a folder or on some type of chart thingey (just a pickey note.).

2) More actions would be nice. There's a lot of dialogue but not really sure what you want to happen during that. I say this because I like to write more with actions and less with words, just my style.

3) Perhaps turning the tone to a more dark comedy would more evenly distribute your contrasts. This also would aide in you creating a stronger voice for Chris.


Otherwise I love the concept. Don't give up...


Tyler Crosser

[RavenBlade]

http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/cwm/big/lil.gif Shocks the monkey asked me to bump this.

Now if only he can stop throwing his feces around the house. http://www.uniquehardware.co.uk/server-smilies/contrib/blackeye/small3dblackeye.gif

[RavenBlade]

Oh no!!!! Shocks the monkey asked again,
for me to bump this up, and he got nasty about it. http://216.40.241.68/contrib/dvv/cwmboom2.gif as seen here.

Sorry, I just want some more feedback if possible.

If this goes down into the ether,
well then I guess it would be safe to assume
it's not very good, and then I can close this
subject. And write no more of this story.

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 08-27-2002).]

[RavenBlade]

sorry, duplicate of above post.

[This message has been edited by RavenBlade (edited 08-27-2002).]

[radiofreememory]

This has been my first time reading any part of this script and I enjoyed it. The mood I got from this screenplay was very original. I found the dialogue was right on. I don't agree with an above post that says there should be more action and make it a dark comedy. I believe this script needs to be exactly as is. It grabs at you right away and I found it held me the entire time. I really like the character of Chris, his actions seem familiar and not out of place. Therefore, as a reader I identify with him quickly, which is necessary for this script. Please continue to write more of this script as I believe it has A LOT of potential.