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View Full Version : First 3 pages of "Cypher" script, critisism and script requests welcome!


JackTheRipper
12-16-2001, 07:16 PM
CYPHER
An original horror script
by
Breton Fraser
“He’ll hack you to death.”

INT. COMPUTER ROOM – DAY
There is a young man, about 14 typing at the keyboard. This is Wally. He’s looking at something that looks suspiciously like a PORN SITE. He has a smug grin on his face.
WALLY
Heh. Wild college girls.

The door bursts open, and WALLY’S MOM looks in.
WALLY’S MOM
Whatcha doing, honey?
WALLY
Uh, nothing, mom. Just in a chat.
WALLY’S MOM
Oh. Okay. Well, I’m going to pick up some Christmas presents. Be back in an hour.
WALLY
Cool. Well, see you.

His mother shuts the door and leaves.
C.U.
The computer screen.
It’s a chat room, and Wally’s screen name is KICKFLIP_00.
CYPHER HAS ENTERED
KICKFLIP_00 SAYS: Hi.
CYPHER SAYS: Hey. What’s up?
KICKFLIP_00 SAYS: Not much.
CYPHER: Hm. Well, how’s that chocolate?

Willy is EATING A CHOCOLATE BAR.

KICKFLIP_00 SAYS: How the hell did you know?
CYPHER: I know all of your little secrets, Wally.
Wild College Girls.

WALLY
Holy shit!

He shuts down the computer and locks his doors. Just then,
THE PHONE RINGS. Wally slowly picks it up.
WALLY
Hello?

It is silent except for the sound of WALLY’S MODEM. He
looks over and sees his monitor and CPU is on, and
the wallpaper is a picture of WALLY TALKING ON THE
PHONE! A Windows Media window opens, and it shows Wally staring
into the webcam. It is a live feed. At that moment, a BRIGHT FLASH emits
from the webcam, and Wally is temporarily blinded!
He steps back, covering his eyes, when a BLACK-GLOVED HAND reaches
out and grabs his neck! It’s strangling Wally, and blood vessels pop in his eyes.
He falls to the ground, red eyes and a neck covered in purple bruises.
CUT TO:
The closet. The black figure leaves, and we hear a door slam. Close in on
a laptop inside the closet, still in the chat room.

TITLE CARD
OPENING CREDITS

Casbal
12-17-2001, 12:32 AM
So what will it be? A cyber-slasher? But if you want "cyber", why is the first victim killed by so traditional means?
If you want to scare people, you have to create believable situations. What's the killer's point in putting so much work into this whole computer setup and then simply killing the victim after scaring (?) him for only a few seconds? I suppose you plan to have teenagers in that movie who eventually become afraid of computers. But if the killer strangles 'Wally' right after scaring him, no-one will ever know what really happened.
Next, the killer is leaving behind way too much evidence in that first scene. Why the heck would he leave his laptop (containing his programs and passwords) in that closet?
Plus, all the killer does is a bit much for just one person (he needs at least 2 cellphones so he can chat and call at the same time while activating the webcam).

Nice try, however.

izombie
12-17-2001, 09:27 AM
Sending this to Filmakking/Screenwriting