Scully1888
09-03-2002, 05:22 PM
BAM! Out of nowhere, here it comes:
http://images.dvdempire.com/gen/movies/48288h.jpg
Note: The chapters in this bitch don't have any names like Bloody Murder's did, so as a name I'll use a genius quote taken from that chapter.
Now sit tight, get them reading glasses on, and let's enjoy the start of Scully1888's In-Depth Analysis Collection Part II... CAMP BLOOD 2...
CHAPTER 1 - "I'M TRYING TO DRINK MY JUICE HERE"
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0:00:00 - I dunno if this is exclusive to the UK version distributed by Film 2000 and Spectrum Films (how appropriate, eh old-skool gaming fans?), but the film starts with a reel of shit films going by, and I can safely say I've heard of approximately none of them. They are, in order:
SOMETHING THAT APPEARS TOO QUICKLY TO BE READ
"CAPITAL FORCE II"
"KNIGHTWALKER"
"THINGS ??? ??? 2" (Some of it couldn't be read)
"URBAN COMBAT"
"CAPITAL FORCE III - TRILOGY OF TERROR"
"HUMAN PREY"
If any Schmoes have heard of any of these, please come out into the open and admit it.
0:00:05 - The words "STERLING ENTERTAINMENT" are revealed. I have no idea who the fuck Sterling Entertainment are, but I've got the feeling it's a company that refused to fund the film because they didn't want to be associated with such shit, so as an act of revenge the director (Brad Sykes, by the way) put their name in it, instantly associating them with this shit. Wait - I just checked the credits - it says it's a Sterling Entertainment production. So either they actually DID fund this, or I was right. Either way, it doesn't make the film any better.
0:00:16 - We see a logo - "DEAD AL VE PRODUCTIONS", as in "DEAD ALIVE" without an I. Unlike the director, who obviously didn't have two I's, otherwise he would have seen the film and made adjustments accordingly.
0:00:18 - A shitty Microsoft Paint skeleton walks in with a baton and throws the baton at the "AL VE", and the baton miraculously turns into a letter "I", making it "DEAD ALIVE PRODUCTIONS". Genius. Incidentally, it looks like the skeleton is doing a forward moonwalk, such is its animation. Oh, and is eyes glow red at one point, even though it's made entirely of bone and theefore has no electrical input and/or output whatsoever.
0:00:32 - Ah, the film begins. We see woods. Think Bloody Murder, only filmed on a camcorder made in the 1980's.
0:00:34 - We hear some bitch and some guy. Heads up Schmoes, it's the first script segment of the analysis:
SOME BITCH - Isn't it beautiful around here Jeff?
JEFF - Sure is. <awkward and unnecessary silence> Are you hungry?
SOME BITCH - You're always hungry!
JEFF - C'mon Rose, I haven't eaten since 7 this morning.
ROSE - Alright, alright. You know sometimes you're such a little boy (why? Because the guy's fucking famished? If he was such a little boy why don't you breast-feed him? A little bit of T&A would be an instant improvement over Bloody Murder).
<While saying this, Rose gives Jeff a playful punch on the arm. That's drama school material.>
0:00:53 - They sit down on the grass. I would describe what they look like but I still can't really tell yet, the quality's so horrendous, and it ain't because of my copy... it's a DVD for Christ's sake. And Film 2000 distributed Killjoy in the US and it had decent picture quality... if only it had a similar quality of script, directing, acting and all-round movieness. But this... this looks as if it's been filmed on said 80's camcorder, then copied onto a computer, converted to 28.8kbps Streaming Video then fed through Windows Media Player on a Pentium 66. Which is bad. Which is, in turn, not good.
0:00:59 - They're still going through the "sitting down" ritual. Rose is winning. Jeff has a green rucksack, Rose has a birght orange bag that looks like inflatable water wings.
0:01:01 - Jeff rubs his hands in eager anticipation. He obviously thinks he's got a bad-ass meal coming to him. He clearly doesn't have an eye for scale, as you can't take much food from a water wing, only juice and stuff.
0:01:08 - She gives him juice. It's a small clear plastic bottle, and it has a green liquid inside. Jeff should be pissed off. After all, he hasn't eaten since 7am, as he so clearly puts it. He's hungry, not thirsty.
0:01:09 - They must be a new couple, as Jeff instead dreamily says "lemon and lime... it's my favourite." Rose replies "I know" and they kiss. What the fuck?! I'd be pissed off. I'd be like "don't you have any sandwiches in there? A ham of some sort, even a damn potato chip to last me until we find a McDonalds?". Instead he gets all mushy. And what's with all this "I know" crap? How does she know? He couldn't possibly have told her this on their first date. Imagine it, if you will. (this isn't the script, I've made this bit up):
ROSE: So tell me a little bit about yourself Jeff.
JEFF: I like juice.
ROSE: Really, what kind?
JEFF: Lemon and lime. It rocks the body that rocks the party.
ROSE: Oh. I like juice too. Incidentally, I also prefer widescreen to full-screen, and find Zulus more intimidating than Aztecs.
JEFF: I like juice.
ROSE: Yeah, you kinda said that already.
JEFF: Let's go to Camp Blood. A Clown killed people there and apparently it didn't die. Maybe it's still there and it might kill us, but let's go anyway.
ROSE: Are you sure it's safe?
JEFF: I have juice.
ROSE: What kind?
JEFF: Lemon and lime.
ROSE: Let's go.
Aye, something like that.
0:01:13 - Jeff drinks his juice. He looks like Dean Cain from Superman. More scriptature coming:
JEFF: You know where we are, don't ya?
ROSE: What do you mean? (He means, do you have knowledge of your present location?)
JEFF: Well last year a bunch of kids got killed around here.
ROSE: Not at this camp. (You still don't even know where you are, shut up. That's like putting a blindfold on someone, dropping them in the middle of the Ocean and saying "a shark swam by here 3 weeks ago", and they say "you're lying... it was a seahorse.")
JEFF: No, it was right here. That's why they call this place... (pause for dramatic effect) Camp Blood.
ROSE: <pissing herself laughing> Drink your juice.
JEFF: What, I'm serious, there... (more pausing) there was this Clown. You see, a Clown (ah right. I didn't know what you meant when you said "a Clown", but now you've clarified it as "a Clown" I understand it perfectly). Killed all these people.
ROSE: Okay now you're scaring me.
JEFF: It was all over the news, remember, they, they found this one girl, the sole survivor, they, they thought she might have done it. Put her in the asylum up North. Some people say the Clown is still around here... (pause 3) looking for victims.
ROSE: Enough, okay? I'm trying to drink my juice here, I don't have to hear about killer Clowns. (Yeah, leave her alone and let her drink her juice, seeing as she's so fucking obsessed with it. Jesus, I've never heard the word "juice" used in a ratio of twice in 3 sentences... not even when I visited the Juice Factory and listened to a guy talking about how juice was made.)
<Jeff gets up and walks away>
ROSE: Where are you going?
JEFF: Got to drain the dragon (to piss, for those living after the 1980's). Be right back. (that means you won't be)
0:02:15 - Rose looks around. We get a panoramic view of bushes and trees and stuff. It basically IS BloodY Murder, with bigger grass. And of course that all-important reduction in picture quality.
0:02:23 - Rose drinks more juice. You know, there are 12 steps to overcoming juice addiction. Seeing as Rose is sitting down, however, she obviously can't climb such steps.
0:02:30 - We cut to Jeff, who walks round a tree, opens his rucksack and takes out a shitty clown mask with a face that looks like it's giving a blow job.
0:02:40 - After 10 seconds of looking at the blow-job mask, he puts it on. From this point on, because of this error in fashion judgement, he will no longer be known as Jeff, but instead as Bobbo The Blow Job Clown.
0:02:47 - We get a close up of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's face, and we can slightly hear heavy breathing, ripping off Halloween and Darth Vader.
0:02:49 - Ah shit, another killer POV. I thought I'd seen the last of those since it seemed like Bloody Murder used them constantly (at times I thought they were doing it every time a character said a word). Anyway, this is not the killer's POV, but Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's POV.
0:02:52 - We see Rose from behind, sitting down. Her head is to one side. She must be dead.
0:02:54 - We see a close up of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's face again.
0:02:56 - We see Rose from behind again. She's still pretty dead-looking.
0:02:58 - We see a close up of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's face again, again.
0:03:00 - We see Rose from behind again. She's reasonably dead-looking. This is surely to build up tension. A clever director would reveal that she actually wasn't dead, because she just looks too damn dead to surprise any of us if she actually was dead.
0:03:03 - Bobbo The Blow Job Clown jumps at her and goes "MWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", but she doesn't move.
0:03:11 - It takes Bobbo The Blow Job Clown 8 whole seconds (time it on your watch, it's longer than you think) tot ake his mask off and realise that, yes...
0:03:13 - Rose has had red and black paint smeared across her throat! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh wait, I think it's a throat-slashing. That looks pretty shite. At least Dean's death in Bloody Murder looked average, if you ignore the jam-spreading at the end of it.
0:03:14 - The camera goes closer in one frame - like a kind of CLOSE-UP effect. You know what I mean. It usually does it twice.
0:03:15 - And there's the second time.
0:03:16 - Since Jeff's face still resembles a man with a "blow job" expression, and his acting has been nothing short of comical thus far, I shall continue to call him Bobbo The Blow Job Clown.
0:03:23 - Bobbo The Blow Job Clown shakes Rose, and she falls over. A huge musical sting hits as if this is a great shock, but obviously someone forgot to tell the musician that this is what actually happens when you shake a dead person and don't support them, therefore keeping them in a sitting position.
DEATH NUMBER 1 - Rose by throat-painting and pushing over.
0:03:26 - Bobbo The Blow Job Clown stand up and says "Rose?". Now let's look at the facts here. ONE - Her throat has been slashed. Badly, but effectively. TWO - He shook her and she fell. THREE - She's fucking dead. The chances of her talking back are about as high as those of Michael Myers playing the comedic, wise-cracking sidekick and love interest in "Child's Play 5 - Homosexual Love Partner Of Chucky".
0:03:33 - After a while of staring and breathing heavily, Bobbo The Blow Job Clown suddenly gasps with pain, and a big machete thing comes through his stomach with a noise that sounds like someone has ripped one of those fly mesh things that keep flies from coming through your window. I don't ever remember someone's flesh sounding like fly mesh.
0:03:34 - BIG MISTAKE NUMBER 1 - Ah, our first big mistake. If you pause it here (the second time you see the machete sticking out of his stomach), you can see a black bit above the blade, making it clear that it's just a half-blade thing sitting inside his t-shirt and not actually going through him at all.)
0:03:34.5 - A half-second after this, we see a trickle of blood coming out of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's mouth.
0:03:35 - A full second after the sword goes through him, his t-shirt has went from bright white and untouched to absolutely fucking drenched in blood. I'd call that:
BIG MISTAKE NUMBER 2 - Scientific impossibility - time-defying liquid movement.
0:03:37 - Cut to his face again, then the sword. His hands are frantically trying to move the sword away, but to no avail. Now, judging by this angle (weeing both his torso and his arms), you can clearly see that the sword is sticking out parallel to where his elbow would be if his hands were at his side. However...
0:03:38 - From this angle, it's coming out of his chest area, far higher than that. Three mistakes in one death? Surely not...
BIG MISTAKE NUMER 3 - Surely so. Impossibly-moving sword entry point on body.
0:03:43 - The sword is pulled out, and Bobbo The Blow Job Clown falls.
DEATH NUMBER 2 - Jeff/Bobbo The Blow Job Clown by magic machete.
0:03:45 - A boot stamps on the blow job mask, which is on the ground. The feet then walk over to a clown mask that resembles the Skeleton mask in Halloween 3. You know, with the big teeth.
0:03:53 - As we see the mask, the red words "CAMP BLOOD 2" shoot at the screen, in some sort of 3D effect, much like Friday the 13th did, only not as good. Camp Blood 2's not as good, that is. Oh, and there's another musical sting, but it's a couple of seconds late, so it's not a sting as in saying "BANG - this is Camp Blood 2", it's more like "BANG - it's stopped coming towards the screen and has been sitting there for a while now doing very little."
0:04:00 - The mask is picked up and carried into the camera. Clever. Not.
0:04:01 - The screen then goes all fucked up, much like when Freddy gets home in the first episode of Freddy's Nightmares (if you don't know what I mean, think an 80's music video, with the colours going all psychadelic and shit-looking. Think Predator's vision, only with the actual colours instead of green and red and shit). We also see what I'm assuming is meant to be through the killer's eyes, but only if the killer's holding the mask a foot away from his face, because we can only see a tiny amount through small eye-holes, and we can see through the nose-holes too.
0:04:03 - As this happens, the credits hit. "STARRING JENNIFER RITCHKOFF". Never heard of her.
0:04:09 - "GARRETT CLANCY". That's not a real name.
0:04:14 - "MISSY HANSEN". Surely another fake one. They all sound like they're from The Great Gatsby or some other book set in 1930's America.
0:04:18 - "KEN X". HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The poor man's Jason. Obvioulsy someone was clever enough not to be associated with this. But I tell ya, that's got me thinking. Wouldn't you love to see Barbie's boyfriend look all mutated and robotic and shit? Even I'd spend a couple of bucks on a "Shaving Fun Ken X".
0:04:24 - "MARK OVERHOLT". I don't think any of these names are real yet.
0:04:28 - "JANE JOHNSON". Hmmm... a bit generic. What's next, Timothy Patrick?
0:04:34 - "TIMOTHY PATRICK". Oh. LOL - "Patrick? I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone named Patrick. That wouldn't be... THAT Patrick, would it?" (Cue Benicio Del Toro). If you don't get it, check my Bloody Murder Analysis, you slacker.
0:04:39 - "COURTNEY BURR" - Must be cold. (Burr, geddit? BURR, IT'S COLD. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Meh...)
0:04:44 - "LISA MARIE BOLICK" - Priceless. Now I don't know if this is still a British-only thing, but in Britain "Bollocks" means "balls" as in "that's a load of balls/shit/crap". So Lisa Marie Bolick is the worst name you could possibly have, other than Fred Vagina.
0:04:49 - "TIM SULLIVAN" - Wasn't that the guy who had the show the Beatles were on? No? ED Sullivan? Ah well. Who's TIM Sullivan then? You don't? Me neither.
0:04:54 - "BRANNON GOULD" - What kind of name is Brannon? (cue onslaught as it is revealed that slasherfan, Jason Voorhees and even michael_myers_woman are called Brannon).
0:04:59 - "NATASCHA CORRIGAN" - That's the 12th actor in this film. How fucking important is she going to be?"
0:05:05 - "LEANA MASIELLO".
0:05:09 - "BRET ELLINGTON".
0:05:16 - "SPECIAL MAKE-UP EFFECTS - JEFF COLBERT, SISSY HYDE, ERNESTO CORNEJO, STEVE WORLEY". They've hardly been "special" so far. Hmm... Ernesto Cornejo? Sounds Puerto Rican, and we know what THAT means! He's LAZY and WORKSHY! (note: sarcasm... or was it? http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif)
0:05:26 - "MUSIC BY GHOST" - As opposed to "GOBLIN"? Pathetic.
0:05:33 - "DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY, EDITOR - JEFF LEROY" - Ha, he's got two jobs, and he does both poorly. What are the odds?
0:05:41 - "PRODUCED BY DAVID STERLING" - Interesting, I'm sure you'll agree. At this point, the mask in the background is going all over the fucking place. The guy filming it obviously got bored and was tired of Ghost and David Sterling getting their approximately 5-10 seconds of fame.
0:05:48 - "WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY BRAD SYKES" - That's your new name to add to your mental dictionary of crap directors, Schmoes. Brad Sykes. Now, us UK Schmoes and any others that use this word can call him BRAD SHITES. Any Schmoes that either don't use the word "shite" can instead use BRAD SUCKS. Either is acceptable.
0:05:56 - Fade to black, and thus ends Chapter 1.
Okay, so it's not excellent by any means, but I've not done this for a while and it'll take some getting used to again. Also, I've yet to find a film as bad as Bloody Murder yet, although this gets really bad later on. So although this may not be the movie you were hoping to be analysed, please stick with it and I'm sure I'll get to the film you were hoping for one day. I've set a goal of 1 chapter a day, meaning this should be finished in about 12 days. Bear in mind that the key word is "should", and that it's me doing this alone, so "12 days" should mean "about next July".
Nah, I'll try and do it quickly. And for those of you worrying about Bloody Murder, don't. I'm still working on the commentary analysis and I've got a lot more stuff planned for that little thread to get it up to hopefully 20+ pages.
Till next time, keep drinking that juice, and never give a clown a blow job unless his name-tag says "Bobbo".
[This message has been edited by Scully1888 (edited 09-06-2002).]
http://images.dvdempire.com/gen/movies/48288h.jpg
Note: The chapters in this bitch don't have any names like Bloody Murder's did, so as a name I'll use a genius quote taken from that chapter.
Now sit tight, get them reading glasses on, and let's enjoy the start of Scully1888's In-Depth Analysis Collection Part II... CAMP BLOOD 2...
CHAPTER 1 - "I'M TRYING TO DRINK MY JUICE HERE"
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0:00:00 - I dunno if this is exclusive to the UK version distributed by Film 2000 and Spectrum Films (how appropriate, eh old-skool gaming fans?), but the film starts with a reel of shit films going by, and I can safely say I've heard of approximately none of them. They are, in order:
SOMETHING THAT APPEARS TOO QUICKLY TO BE READ
"CAPITAL FORCE II"
"KNIGHTWALKER"
"THINGS ??? ??? 2" (Some of it couldn't be read)
"URBAN COMBAT"
"CAPITAL FORCE III - TRILOGY OF TERROR"
"HUMAN PREY"
If any Schmoes have heard of any of these, please come out into the open and admit it.
0:00:05 - The words "STERLING ENTERTAINMENT" are revealed. I have no idea who the fuck Sterling Entertainment are, but I've got the feeling it's a company that refused to fund the film because they didn't want to be associated with such shit, so as an act of revenge the director (Brad Sykes, by the way) put their name in it, instantly associating them with this shit. Wait - I just checked the credits - it says it's a Sterling Entertainment production. So either they actually DID fund this, or I was right. Either way, it doesn't make the film any better.
0:00:16 - We see a logo - "DEAD AL VE PRODUCTIONS", as in "DEAD ALIVE" without an I. Unlike the director, who obviously didn't have two I's, otherwise he would have seen the film and made adjustments accordingly.
0:00:18 - A shitty Microsoft Paint skeleton walks in with a baton and throws the baton at the "AL VE", and the baton miraculously turns into a letter "I", making it "DEAD ALIVE PRODUCTIONS". Genius. Incidentally, it looks like the skeleton is doing a forward moonwalk, such is its animation. Oh, and is eyes glow red at one point, even though it's made entirely of bone and theefore has no electrical input and/or output whatsoever.
0:00:32 - Ah, the film begins. We see woods. Think Bloody Murder, only filmed on a camcorder made in the 1980's.
0:00:34 - We hear some bitch and some guy. Heads up Schmoes, it's the first script segment of the analysis:
SOME BITCH - Isn't it beautiful around here Jeff?
JEFF - Sure is. <awkward and unnecessary silence> Are you hungry?
SOME BITCH - You're always hungry!
JEFF - C'mon Rose, I haven't eaten since 7 this morning.
ROSE - Alright, alright. You know sometimes you're such a little boy (why? Because the guy's fucking famished? If he was such a little boy why don't you breast-feed him? A little bit of T&A would be an instant improvement over Bloody Murder).
<While saying this, Rose gives Jeff a playful punch on the arm. That's drama school material.>
0:00:53 - They sit down on the grass. I would describe what they look like but I still can't really tell yet, the quality's so horrendous, and it ain't because of my copy... it's a DVD for Christ's sake. And Film 2000 distributed Killjoy in the US and it had decent picture quality... if only it had a similar quality of script, directing, acting and all-round movieness. But this... this looks as if it's been filmed on said 80's camcorder, then copied onto a computer, converted to 28.8kbps Streaming Video then fed through Windows Media Player on a Pentium 66. Which is bad. Which is, in turn, not good.
0:00:59 - They're still going through the "sitting down" ritual. Rose is winning. Jeff has a green rucksack, Rose has a birght orange bag that looks like inflatable water wings.
0:01:01 - Jeff rubs his hands in eager anticipation. He obviously thinks he's got a bad-ass meal coming to him. He clearly doesn't have an eye for scale, as you can't take much food from a water wing, only juice and stuff.
0:01:08 - She gives him juice. It's a small clear plastic bottle, and it has a green liquid inside. Jeff should be pissed off. After all, he hasn't eaten since 7am, as he so clearly puts it. He's hungry, not thirsty.
0:01:09 - They must be a new couple, as Jeff instead dreamily says "lemon and lime... it's my favourite." Rose replies "I know" and they kiss. What the fuck?! I'd be pissed off. I'd be like "don't you have any sandwiches in there? A ham of some sort, even a damn potato chip to last me until we find a McDonalds?". Instead he gets all mushy. And what's with all this "I know" crap? How does she know? He couldn't possibly have told her this on their first date. Imagine it, if you will. (this isn't the script, I've made this bit up):
ROSE: So tell me a little bit about yourself Jeff.
JEFF: I like juice.
ROSE: Really, what kind?
JEFF: Lemon and lime. It rocks the body that rocks the party.
ROSE: Oh. I like juice too. Incidentally, I also prefer widescreen to full-screen, and find Zulus more intimidating than Aztecs.
JEFF: I like juice.
ROSE: Yeah, you kinda said that already.
JEFF: Let's go to Camp Blood. A Clown killed people there and apparently it didn't die. Maybe it's still there and it might kill us, but let's go anyway.
ROSE: Are you sure it's safe?
JEFF: I have juice.
ROSE: What kind?
JEFF: Lemon and lime.
ROSE: Let's go.
Aye, something like that.
0:01:13 - Jeff drinks his juice. He looks like Dean Cain from Superman. More scriptature coming:
JEFF: You know where we are, don't ya?
ROSE: What do you mean? (He means, do you have knowledge of your present location?)
JEFF: Well last year a bunch of kids got killed around here.
ROSE: Not at this camp. (You still don't even know where you are, shut up. That's like putting a blindfold on someone, dropping them in the middle of the Ocean and saying "a shark swam by here 3 weeks ago", and they say "you're lying... it was a seahorse.")
JEFF: No, it was right here. That's why they call this place... (pause for dramatic effect) Camp Blood.
ROSE: <pissing herself laughing> Drink your juice.
JEFF: What, I'm serious, there... (more pausing) there was this Clown. You see, a Clown (ah right. I didn't know what you meant when you said "a Clown", but now you've clarified it as "a Clown" I understand it perfectly). Killed all these people.
ROSE: Okay now you're scaring me.
JEFF: It was all over the news, remember, they, they found this one girl, the sole survivor, they, they thought she might have done it. Put her in the asylum up North. Some people say the Clown is still around here... (pause 3) looking for victims.
ROSE: Enough, okay? I'm trying to drink my juice here, I don't have to hear about killer Clowns. (Yeah, leave her alone and let her drink her juice, seeing as she's so fucking obsessed with it. Jesus, I've never heard the word "juice" used in a ratio of twice in 3 sentences... not even when I visited the Juice Factory and listened to a guy talking about how juice was made.)
<Jeff gets up and walks away>
ROSE: Where are you going?
JEFF: Got to drain the dragon (to piss, for those living after the 1980's). Be right back. (that means you won't be)
0:02:15 - Rose looks around. We get a panoramic view of bushes and trees and stuff. It basically IS BloodY Murder, with bigger grass. And of course that all-important reduction in picture quality.
0:02:23 - Rose drinks more juice. You know, there are 12 steps to overcoming juice addiction. Seeing as Rose is sitting down, however, she obviously can't climb such steps.
0:02:30 - We cut to Jeff, who walks round a tree, opens his rucksack and takes out a shitty clown mask with a face that looks like it's giving a blow job.
0:02:40 - After 10 seconds of looking at the blow-job mask, he puts it on. From this point on, because of this error in fashion judgement, he will no longer be known as Jeff, but instead as Bobbo The Blow Job Clown.
0:02:47 - We get a close up of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's face, and we can slightly hear heavy breathing, ripping off Halloween and Darth Vader.
0:02:49 - Ah shit, another killer POV. I thought I'd seen the last of those since it seemed like Bloody Murder used them constantly (at times I thought they were doing it every time a character said a word). Anyway, this is not the killer's POV, but Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's POV.
0:02:52 - We see Rose from behind, sitting down. Her head is to one side. She must be dead.
0:02:54 - We see a close up of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's face again.
0:02:56 - We see Rose from behind again. She's still pretty dead-looking.
0:02:58 - We see a close up of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's face again, again.
0:03:00 - We see Rose from behind again. She's reasonably dead-looking. This is surely to build up tension. A clever director would reveal that she actually wasn't dead, because she just looks too damn dead to surprise any of us if she actually was dead.
0:03:03 - Bobbo The Blow Job Clown jumps at her and goes "MWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!", but she doesn't move.
0:03:11 - It takes Bobbo The Blow Job Clown 8 whole seconds (time it on your watch, it's longer than you think) tot ake his mask off and realise that, yes...
0:03:13 - Rose has had red and black paint smeared across her throat! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh wait, I think it's a throat-slashing. That looks pretty shite. At least Dean's death in Bloody Murder looked average, if you ignore the jam-spreading at the end of it.
0:03:14 - The camera goes closer in one frame - like a kind of CLOSE-UP effect. You know what I mean. It usually does it twice.
0:03:15 - And there's the second time.
0:03:16 - Since Jeff's face still resembles a man with a "blow job" expression, and his acting has been nothing short of comical thus far, I shall continue to call him Bobbo The Blow Job Clown.
0:03:23 - Bobbo The Blow Job Clown shakes Rose, and she falls over. A huge musical sting hits as if this is a great shock, but obviously someone forgot to tell the musician that this is what actually happens when you shake a dead person and don't support them, therefore keeping them in a sitting position.
DEATH NUMBER 1 - Rose by throat-painting and pushing over.
0:03:26 - Bobbo The Blow Job Clown stand up and says "Rose?". Now let's look at the facts here. ONE - Her throat has been slashed. Badly, but effectively. TWO - He shook her and she fell. THREE - She's fucking dead. The chances of her talking back are about as high as those of Michael Myers playing the comedic, wise-cracking sidekick and love interest in "Child's Play 5 - Homosexual Love Partner Of Chucky".
0:03:33 - After a while of staring and breathing heavily, Bobbo The Blow Job Clown suddenly gasps with pain, and a big machete thing comes through his stomach with a noise that sounds like someone has ripped one of those fly mesh things that keep flies from coming through your window. I don't ever remember someone's flesh sounding like fly mesh.
0:03:34 - BIG MISTAKE NUMBER 1 - Ah, our first big mistake. If you pause it here (the second time you see the machete sticking out of his stomach), you can see a black bit above the blade, making it clear that it's just a half-blade thing sitting inside his t-shirt and not actually going through him at all.)
0:03:34.5 - A half-second after this, we see a trickle of blood coming out of Bobbo The Blow Job Clown's mouth.
0:03:35 - A full second after the sword goes through him, his t-shirt has went from bright white and untouched to absolutely fucking drenched in blood. I'd call that:
BIG MISTAKE NUMBER 2 - Scientific impossibility - time-defying liquid movement.
0:03:37 - Cut to his face again, then the sword. His hands are frantically trying to move the sword away, but to no avail. Now, judging by this angle (weeing both his torso and his arms), you can clearly see that the sword is sticking out parallel to where his elbow would be if his hands were at his side. However...
0:03:38 - From this angle, it's coming out of his chest area, far higher than that. Three mistakes in one death? Surely not...
BIG MISTAKE NUMER 3 - Surely so. Impossibly-moving sword entry point on body.
0:03:43 - The sword is pulled out, and Bobbo The Blow Job Clown falls.
DEATH NUMBER 2 - Jeff/Bobbo The Blow Job Clown by magic machete.
0:03:45 - A boot stamps on the blow job mask, which is on the ground. The feet then walk over to a clown mask that resembles the Skeleton mask in Halloween 3. You know, with the big teeth.
0:03:53 - As we see the mask, the red words "CAMP BLOOD 2" shoot at the screen, in some sort of 3D effect, much like Friday the 13th did, only not as good. Camp Blood 2's not as good, that is. Oh, and there's another musical sting, but it's a couple of seconds late, so it's not a sting as in saying "BANG - this is Camp Blood 2", it's more like "BANG - it's stopped coming towards the screen and has been sitting there for a while now doing very little."
0:04:00 - The mask is picked up and carried into the camera. Clever. Not.
0:04:01 - The screen then goes all fucked up, much like when Freddy gets home in the first episode of Freddy's Nightmares (if you don't know what I mean, think an 80's music video, with the colours going all psychadelic and shit-looking. Think Predator's vision, only with the actual colours instead of green and red and shit). We also see what I'm assuming is meant to be through the killer's eyes, but only if the killer's holding the mask a foot away from his face, because we can only see a tiny amount through small eye-holes, and we can see through the nose-holes too.
0:04:03 - As this happens, the credits hit. "STARRING JENNIFER RITCHKOFF". Never heard of her.
0:04:09 - "GARRETT CLANCY". That's not a real name.
0:04:14 - "MISSY HANSEN". Surely another fake one. They all sound like they're from The Great Gatsby or some other book set in 1930's America.
0:04:18 - "KEN X". HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The poor man's Jason. Obvioulsy someone was clever enough not to be associated with this. But I tell ya, that's got me thinking. Wouldn't you love to see Barbie's boyfriend look all mutated and robotic and shit? Even I'd spend a couple of bucks on a "Shaving Fun Ken X".
0:04:24 - "MARK OVERHOLT". I don't think any of these names are real yet.
0:04:28 - "JANE JOHNSON". Hmmm... a bit generic. What's next, Timothy Patrick?
0:04:34 - "TIMOTHY PATRICK". Oh. LOL - "Patrick? I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone named Patrick. That wouldn't be... THAT Patrick, would it?" (Cue Benicio Del Toro). If you don't get it, check my Bloody Murder Analysis, you slacker.
0:04:39 - "COURTNEY BURR" - Must be cold. (Burr, geddit? BURR, IT'S COLD. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Meh...)
0:04:44 - "LISA MARIE BOLICK" - Priceless. Now I don't know if this is still a British-only thing, but in Britain "Bollocks" means "balls" as in "that's a load of balls/shit/crap". So Lisa Marie Bolick is the worst name you could possibly have, other than Fred Vagina.
0:04:49 - "TIM SULLIVAN" - Wasn't that the guy who had the show the Beatles were on? No? ED Sullivan? Ah well. Who's TIM Sullivan then? You don't? Me neither.
0:04:54 - "BRANNON GOULD" - What kind of name is Brannon? (cue onslaught as it is revealed that slasherfan, Jason Voorhees and even michael_myers_woman are called Brannon).
0:04:59 - "NATASCHA CORRIGAN" - That's the 12th actor in this film. How fucking important is she going to be?"
0:05:05 - "LEANA MASIELLO".
0:05:09 - "BRET ELLINGTON".
0:05:16 - "SPECIAL MAKE-UP EFFECTS - JEFF COLBERT, SISSY HYDE, ERNESTO CORNEJO, STEVE WORLEY". They've hardly been "special" so far. Hmm... Ernesto Cornejo? Sounds Puerto Rican, and we know what THAT means! He's LAZY and WORKSHY! (note: sarcasm... or was it? http://www.joblo.com/ubb/wink.gif)
0:05:26 - "MUSIC BY GHOST" - As opposed to "GOBLIN"? Pathetic.
0:05:33 - "DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY, EDITOR - JEFF LEROY" - Ha, he's got two jobs, and he does both poorly. What are the odds?
0:05:41 - "PRODUCED BY DAVID STERLING" - Interesting, I'm sure you'll agree. At this point, the mask in the background is going all over the fucking place. The guy filming it obviously got bored and was tired of Ghost and David Sterling getting their approximately 5-10 seconds of fame.
0:05:48 - "WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY BRAD SYKES" - That's your new name to add to your mental dictionary of crap directors, Schmoes. Brad Sykes. Now, us UK Schmoes and any others that use this word can call him BRAD SHITES. Any Schmoes that either don't use the word "shite" can instead use BRAD SUCKS. Either is acceptable.
0:05:56 - Fade to black, and thus ends Chapter 1.
Okay, so it's not excellent by any means, but I've not done this for a while and it'll take some getting used to again. Also, I've yet to find a film as bad as Bloody Murder yet, although this gets really bad later on. So although this may not be the movie you were hoping to be analysed, please stick with it and I'm sure I'll get to the film you were hoping for one day. I've set a goal of 1 chapter a day, meaning this should be finished in about 12 days. Bear in mind that the key word is "should", and that it's me doing this alone, so "12 days" should mean "about next July".
Nah, I'll try and do it quickly. And for those of you worrying about Bloody Murder, don't. I'm still working on the commentary analysis and I've got a lot more stuff planned for that little thread to get it up to hopefully 20+ pages.
Till next time, keep drinking that juice, and never give a clown a blow job unless his name-tag says "Bobbo".
[This message has been edited by Scully1888 (edited 09-06-2002).]