I am gonna rewrite Mansion.

[psycho path]

Note: "This is to the people who have read my Mansion script,or some of it."

After looking at the script for Mansion,I decided I should rewrite it. I am not gonna like rewrite the entire thing,but make some changes to it because I noticed there were some plotholes,a few flaws and wasnt too original. I mean sure,its pretty good and has some nice scare scenes,but I want to add a new spin on it. Like for starters,change the houses history a little(Who would move into a big scary house after two families died brutally in it?)and takeout a few subplots(The supposed third family,the area covered with boards)and give the dialogue a nice polishing. More of a final draft then a rewrite,but you know what I mean. I am gonna keep the eerie shite in(The dog,the music box,the eerie noises and shock scenes.)

I am also gonna take out a few characters,cuz two of the characters had absolutely no purpose other then to say a line and die a horrifying death. The character development was handled pretty well for the four main characters(Monica,Derek Helton,Scott,Sarah),but the rest didnt have to do much in the script.

What do you guys think of this idea? Or is the script fine enough the way it is?

[TheJadedGamer]

Its your script, do whatever you like, man!

[deadeye]

Welcome to the world of rewrites. If you live to be eighty, you'll always find a way to make "Mansion" better in your opinion. I thought your original was engaging, and look forward to seeing what you do with a rewrite.

[X-Nightcrawler]

The best of luck!! But thought the script was 100% kickass!!

[psycho path]

Thanks for the comments guys! Like I said,it wont be a complete rewrite,I'm just gonna make some noticeable changes to it without destroying the moody feel of it all. I just thought there were a few subplots that didnt go anywhere. The thing behind the boards was never explored enough,the third family was only mentioned once and slowed the story down. I was wondering if anybody had some scenes they didnt really like in the screenplay that I could change.

[TheJadedGamer]

Can't wait to read it, psycho path.

[psycho path]

I just gave the script a little polishing. I changed some dialogue, took some out, took out one of the characters(Too bad,he had one of the scariest deaths in the screenplay,but other then that,was a very forgettable character), and I added a few scary scenes(There is a shower one,and no,it doesnt involve blood spraying out of it,but a dead kids hand reaching through the curtain.),and another dream sequence involving a dead wife. Also put more atmosphere into it. I am still gonna work on it a little more to get it perfect. Oh,I also took out the subplots pretty seamlessly. Of course,now I have to add a few more scenes to the script sinse its probably a little short now(Still a long read,but if its translated onto a movie,it will probably be a little short.)

[psycho path]

Well everybody, I think I am gonna start Mansion(renamed The Malevolent)again from scratch. I'm gonna change the plot, which means alot of sequences will be changed around, cut out, with some new ones in.

Back in 1893 in the forests of England, a group of people go to Ruth Mansion to burn it down, because the house was thought to be haunted after a village girl was found hung in one of the upper towers of it. The house was fine the next morning, which proved to everybody that Ruth mansion was not to be entered upon again. 12 years later, Derek Helton leads a group of five people to the house to explore it, and possibly find the cause of what happened in there twelve years earlier. Derek tells them the story of who built the house, a wealthy man named Victor Ruth, who's family dissapeared a few years after living there. Victor went back to his other home in England and died there, never returning to his mansion again. As they stay there for three nights, odd things occur and at the last night, the group feels the wrath of Ruth mansion.

[C-Desecration-]

Sorry to keep repeating myself (must get pretty annoying, pyscho), but I really see something not-too-good happening with you and Malevolent (Voices, Turning Backwards - reffering to life after death and whatnot -, Splinters- or something along those lines, reffering to the house, but could be something metaphorical for character's pasts -, etc would be better names, in my opinion--malevolent is a little overused, isn't it?).

Hopefully, any other screenwriters will back me up with this one. Okay, here goes: people can get addicted to re-writing. They get a project they feel strongly about, whether it be the character's/plot, whatever and they re-use them over and over. Sometimes a writer will bail on a plotline, but keep the characters and simply inject them into some other story, or visa-versa. DO NOT DO THIS (oh, and please no 'stop shouting' . . .)! What happens, from my own experience, is everything begins to feel somewhat monotonous. You need to put a project down, move on, and maybe start from scratch . . . which is what you are actually doing, I believe. But a story will always feel more "real", if everything pretaining to it is unique. Re-cycled characters add to the feeling that you are simply writing a story, and simply making characters, which is not how it should be--you are living within a makeshift world, experiencing the live of people. Sounds creepy to those of you who don't write, I know. And now that I think about it, that feeling I described may not be experienced by screen-writers . . . this is just speaking writer to writer, so hopefully these views will be exclusive to both authors and screenwriters.
Look, just don't be afraid to bail on a good idea. Many times that idea builds and builds in your mind, and you suddenly start writing a similar story, but with a life of it's own.
My point is that I don't think it's good to "recycle", so to say, when writing.

Sorry to be on your ass with seemingly every decision you mention on these boards, but I just see you going down a troublesome road.
Once again, this is your thing man. This is just some advice.

[psycho path]

I dont mind the words Desecration, I'm always up for some help!

Okay, I know this is getting ridiculous, but I made another plot change, and this time pretty much completely changed except for the characters Monica, Sarah, and Scott.

Plot: Monica moves into her new house in the country, and has a wierd dream of her bieng inside a large mansion, walking around, when something horrible happens. She then wakes up, and pulls up her window blinds, and see's in the distance a huge house with spires sticking out. She goes to check it out, and see's that another family has just moved into the house. The house has a bad history(The whole Victor Ruth and people hidden within the mansions walls thing), and Monica soon makes friends with the neighbours teenage daughter Sarah. Eerie shit goes on, and Monica and Sarah start seeing visions of the past and what is to come and soon all hell breaks loose...

There are a few subplots in there, and as drawn out as the story sounds, it wont be in the script.

[Evil Life]

sounds pretty good so far, but just remember, nothing can be perfect, no matter how many times you re-write it it will never be perfect, so i would say, get something that works, and go with that.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by psycho path
Okay, I know this is getting ridiculous

No wait! It's not ridiculous at all man, I love it.

Desecration: Man, I say this with ALL due respect but I've read almost every schmoe script critique you've made and I have hardly noticed any props at all when psycho path's (to name one) script has been going great ever since he thought of it. Don't get me wrong here, I liked your advice and as you probably saw, I FOLLOWED some of it. But how come you give bad critique...not to mention a HARSH bad critique ("you're going nowhere", "It's quite ridiculous") and hardly any props when props CAN be given. I know it's your opinion and you can totally say "Your FD3 script sucks more ass than an ass sucker in an ass sucking day" but I had to mention this sometime, I hope you don't get me wrong.

And psycho path, if you need ANY help with ANYTHING, just tell me man.

[Evil Life]

i have TOTAL respect for anyone who takes the time to write a screenplay, yet alone one as good as pyscho path's was (i liked mansion the way it was before you decided to re-write it) and i havnt read yours yet nightcrawler, but im sure that itll be amazing

[psycho path]

Thanks Nightcrawler! Some help would be great, seeing as how good your FD3 is. I swear, that is the best fan script I have EVER read! I probably just need help with a few ideas(Ghostly shit). The new plot I think will give more chances for mindfuck. I added a new ghost legend.

A woman who lived in the house gave birth to a hideously deformed baby, and when he grew up, killed her. The father, who knows of a secret passage, locks the deformed son in the walls of Ruth Mansion. He cried and tried to scratch his way out, but eventually died, while the father was found murdered a week later.

I dont know where I'll place the idea, sinse it sounds a little more macabre then most of my other ideas, but I'm sure I'll work things out. Hey Nightcrawler, if your interested, we could write The Malevolent(Mansions new title)together like you did Flatline with Spiderman-111. Want to?

[Evil Life]

whenever you are finally done re-writing everything, im sure that this will be a good script, i look forwards to seeing the final copy.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Yeah, why not but it would be kinda harder since I know SMIII, I mean I've personally been with him to write it so it became easier. But as I said, whatever you need, I want to see a Malevolent final draft.

[C-Desecration-]

Desecration: Man, I say this with ALL due respect but I've read almost every schmoe script critique you've made and I have hardly noticed any props at all when psycho path's (to name one) script has been going great ever since he thought of it. Don't get me wrong here, I liked your advice and as you probably saw, I FOLLOWED some of it. But how come you give bad critique...not to mention a HARSH bad critique ("you're going nowhere", "It's quite ridiculous") and hardly any props when props CAN be given. I know it's your opinion and you can totally say "Your FD3 script sucks more ass than an ass sucker in an ass sucking day" but I had to mention this sometime, I hope you don't get me wrong.


. . . uh, you wouldn't happen to be shoving words down my mouth, would you? The only scripts I've bothered to citique are your's and Molevolent, as well as something you started on called Crystal Falls (which I believe I had nothing but nice things for *gasp*). . . that's it. I should probably hunt down what I said on your FD script, because I'm guessing you are reffering to what I said about you writing something that most likely will never get made ( because of the whole copyright, outside source deal). I don't recall calling your script itself "quite ridiculous".

But hey, please correct me because I don't doubt that I'm wrong. It needs to be said that basically evey schmoe, regardless of how good/bad a script is, says nothing but "Way to go man!" or " This rocks!". . . so all the more reason to bring up some problems. I'd like to believe that I offer helpful criticism, and don't just go around saying "That sucks!" or "That blows!".

And I did mention that pyscho had a good imagination . . . so there. I am capable of being positive. ;)
But I always firmly believe what I say, whatever critism it may be (or if, God forbid, I complement something).

[X-Nightcrawler]

It's all ok, like I said, you are free to say whatever you want I am just pointing out. It's good to have a schmoe that gives the bad stuff like it is, I know that you don't only say BAD stuff, and I also know our scripts are not perfect and someone needs to tell us that.

btw, I didn't mean the "it's not getting made" part, I know it's not.

Peace.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by Evil Life
i have TOTAL respect for anyone who takes the time to write a screenplay, yet alone one as good as pyscho path's was (i liked mansion the way it was before you decided to re-write it) and i havnt read yours yet nightcrawler, but im sure that itll be amazing
Great! Find the final draft here: http://www.joblo.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=56793&perpage=40&pagenumber=2 . Thats the enire thing but this little scene I added in the roller coaster queue scene.


Kurt stares at him for a second, pissy. Then he notices Trish, who seems really nervous.

KURT
Nervous, Trish?

We pan to a parallel row to Trish’s.

RANDOM FEMALE STUDENT (to friend)
Did you know this park has some estate record?

STUDENT’S FRIEND
Yeah?

RANDOM FEMALE STUDENT
Mm-hmm, it has 23 rides, “Downfall”
is the newest one.

STUDENT’S FRIEND
Where did you get these?

RANDOM FEMALE STUDENT
Some pamphlet.

STUDENT’S FRIEND
(chuckling)
Ever tried getting a life?

They both laugh and we pan to:



There.

[psycho path]

I dont know when I'm gonna rewrite The Malevolent(Or Mansion, what do you guys prefer?), but it will be sometime this week, or maybe a little after.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Oh "Mansion" is a much cooler (and appropiate) title. I'd go for it.

[psycho path]

Okay, Mansion it is.

[psycho path]

I was thinking of opening the film with Monica's nightmare of the house, before she see's it our her bedroom window when she wakes up. That'd be cool.

[psycho path]

I have decided that rewriting starts tonight. As soon as I'm done the opening, I'll post it!

[psycho path]

Here's my new script piece. I decided to keep the Ruth mansion/Derek Helton thing, but just change a little things. I also formatted it a little better. It starts off with Monicas nightmare after the opening credits. Enjoy! Note: I noticed that the bending doors is reminiscent to THE HAUNTING 1963. I'll have to change that a little, or just keep it. Tell me what you think...


Mansion

by

Dustin Mclean



TITLE SEQUENCE: OUTSIDE MANSION-EVENING

Ruth Mansion stands above the ground, towering the trees. The sky is getting darker.
Fades out.

We are now in a room of the house, but we cant tell until a candle is litten. Most of it's surroundings are dark. The titles and music start playing, and we get closer to the candles fire, getting closer. Soon, all we see is the candles fire, and in it, we see an image. It gets clearer, and we see it is the mansion we saw before, only now it is an old beat up castle, covered in vines, with a white England sky above it. The trees, once beautiful, are now all rotten except for a few in the forest beside it.

1 INT. MANSION - NIGHT
1

We are now inside the house, it's completely dark. We're in the parlor, and we move over the walls which hang eerie portraits of possible past owners. We are then at the bottom of a staircase. We then see Monica, a young woman in her mid-twenties, run up the stairs, and turn left at the top. She is running down a large hallway which seems to grow and grow. The farther she runs, the farther the hall extends. Monica see's numerous doorways, some of the doors swinging open, the others closed. She keeps running, and then she reaches the end of the hallway, and halts to a stop. There's a door infront of her. She quickly grabs the doorknob, and opens it. Before she takes a step forward, she realises there is nothing there. Just darkness covering the whole room. She turns around and she is back at the top of the staircase. Then the lights turn on, and Monica is shocked. Something at the end of the hallway draws near her, we see it's POV. Monica runs down the staircase, and it seems to twist like a spiral, and not end, just like the hallway. The unseen POV still forwards her, and the steps she runs down suddenly turn all dark, dusty, and slimy, as she finally get's to the bottom of them. She appears to be in a basement of some sort. Dusty boxes surround her, along with old desks, a disused stove, and old lights. Monica walks backwards into a dusty old table with a music box on it, and it suddenly opens and plays an eerie childrens tune that loops over. A bizzare tune. As the music box plays, doors around her suddenly bend forward, and the cieling starts making creaking noises. She turns around, and comes face to face with...herself. Well, what appears to be herself, but somethings not right. It's eyes roll over white and it makes a devilish grin. Monica screams.

FADE IN

2 INT. MONICAS HOUSE - DAY
2

We see Monica screaming in her bed. We realise it was all a dream. She get's up, sweating in fear. She sighs, and breathes in...and out. She get's up, and looks through the her window blinds. She put's them up and looks over the valley she lives in. The grass outside is wet, dewdrops falling from the little blades of it. She then puts the blinds down again, and sit's down on her bed, and picks up a pamphlet on the desk next to her. The pamphlet has an image of Ruth mansion, the house we saw earlier, with small text under it, and a phone number, under it saying "Derek Helton." She glances over at her cellphone on the desk next to her.

3 EXT. DEREKS HOUSE - DAY
3

We see a house from the outside, two stories, painted blue. We are now inside it, Derek Heltons room. He's sleeping on his bed, and the phone next to him rings. He suddenly wakes up, and picks up the phone next to him. He blinks, and yawns.

DEREK

"Hello."

MONICA

"Hi. Is this Derek Helton?"

DEREK

"Yes. Who's this?"

MONICA

"I'm Monica. I came in with my friend Sarah yesterday. Remember me?"

Derek has a smile.

DEREK

"Oh! I remember now. How are you doing?"

MONICA

"Fine. I was just wondering when I'm due to come to the house?"

Derek looks down at his watch.

DEREK

"Ummm...How does this afternoon sound? About 1 or 2:00?"

MONICA

"Okay. I was just checking."

DEREK

"Well alright, I'll see you soon Monica."

MONICA

"Yep. Take care."

Derek hangs up the phone and sits on his bed for a few seconds. He get's up and looks at a row of photos standing ten feet away from him. He comes closer, and in the photos we see him, younger, with a woman. His wife, Marian. He smiles, and then remembers a car crash. His smile slowly turns to a frown, as the car crashes with another(Flashback). He then looks up at the photo again, and we close up on Marians face, smiling. Dereks breathes in.

DEREK

"Marian..."

4 EXT. ROAD - DAY
4

Monicas car drives by on the road. The sky is still white, with a little
blue in it. The valleys surrounding the road are green with white little
flowers. Monica looks at the ammount of gas in her car. It's almost empty.

MONICA

"No."

She gets out of her car and looks for the nearest gas station. She spots
one someways down the road.

[psycho path]

BUMP!

[psycho path]

I decided to push Mansion aside for a while. If anybody wants to read how the script is now, email me. I made some cool changes!

darkspirit_55@hotmail.com