Anything Original?

[BRADFAN]

When the hell is there going to be anything original in the movies? Sure, I went and say Bad Boys 2 (and I even liked it), and I saw Freddy vs. Jason, but what the hell? It's the same old crap over and over. Don't tell me that anyone was fully satisfied with any movie this summer, and I'll tell you why. In one title, Charlies Angles 2! What the &*#@!!!! When is holly wodd going to grows some huevos and come out of the gate swinging? The best movie I've seen all year is Phone Booth. Why you ask? Originality. Nothing else can do it. People don't return for several viewings if it's the same crap time and time again.

I'm Pissed!

[Golden Badtz]

Well, honestly when talking about originality, I think of TRON, an old 80's Disney movie about a hacker that gets digitized into a computer and to get out he must help a super program called Tron.
Originality with Tron, is that soon August 26th a Tron video game is coming out, and it's nothing you've never seen, and that's originality, so, I think Hollywood should do a sequel to Tron, it's probably been more than 20 years, with this gens CGI effects a sequel would be incredible, and by CGI I mean "gollum-style" not "spy kids 3d style"

Let David Fincher do his next film to see something original, I read this thing on the site about his next project with Brad Pitt once again about some guy who has amnesia, well, even though it's an already seen and heard story (for example The Bourne Identity), Fincher always puts himself to work and adds his own style and creativity, like for Fight Club and Panic Room.

[FeverDog420]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
The best movie I've seen all year is Phone Booth. Why you ask? Originality.

You may want to check out this movie:

http://i.imdb.com/Photos/Ss/0280870/miptv_ss_lssFrnt.jpg

[Golden Badtz]

LIBERTY STANDS STILL is an OK thriller about Liberty Wallace (Fiorentino) , co-perz of a large gun manufacturer is on her way to see her lover when she gets chained to a hot dog cart and is stalked by a sniper (Snipes).

This movie isn't that original, but sure is looking a lot like Phone Booth and that makes it interesting but Phone Booth is a keeping you on the edge of your seat movie especially when
SPOILERS AHEAD
he puts the phone down and gets out of the booth
SPOILERS END
Even though this movie was shot in what ? 20 days, and in Vancouver, it's a fun Friday night movie.

[Ed]

i wouldn't compare Liberty Stands Still (6.5/10) with Phone Booth (9.5/10), but if you still want to check it out go ahead, it is an OK flick. About originality, for now, Identity and Phone Booth are right up there for this year imo. Freaky Friday was VERY surprisingly good also, but it's a frigging remake!!

[Schatten]

I'd like to hear some of your ideas on a good, original story, BRADFAN.

[Golden Badtz]

GIGLI was original, and by original I mean, i never saw anything as crapppy and shity as this (except dungeons and dragons)

[BRADFAN]

How about we explore the horror arena with a little more detail to story. All to often the movies focus on the monster, and that just destroys it. With the exception of "The Ring" not many movies have had a real disturbing feel to them.

Here's a few ideas.

1. Let a few of the charicters we care about die!
2. Have a villian that really scares. (i.e. creepy little girl, old people, ect.)
3. Use sound to scare. Not just visuals.

That's a few things. I'm a screen writer so I don't want to give up my good stuff here.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by BRADFAN

3. Use sound to scare. Not just visuals.

Most of the movies use sounds to scare, try watching the Elm Street movies or Friday the 3th movies on mute, you will laugh at them, visuals -> only Freddy's face is freaky all the rest is all thanks to the music and sounds.

[MadsenOMC]

Some recent films have done a masterful job using sound to great effect. I would include The Others and Session 9 among them.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by MadsenOMC
Some recent films have done a masterful job using sound to great effect. I would include The Others and Session 9 among them.

havn't seen session 9 but the others was excellent and i agree it does a great job with the effects but I think the greatest horror flick of our time is The Ring, which does more of a effects work because there is almost no music, and this movie actually made me be scared of horses for a while.
damn freaky movie, especially the tape itself.

[DevilMonkey]

I've been fully satisfied with most movies this summer especially the disney ones. Like Holes, Finding Nemo, Pirates and Freaky Friday.

[zeppelin]

It should be noted that Phone Booth was not only written before Liberty Stands Still, but was actually COMPLETED before LSS was released. It's just that it got pushed back so much, that it ended up being released later. And plus, the screenwriter for Phone Booth (I forget his name at the moment) pitched the idea to Hitchcock way back when, and Hitchcock liked it, but they couldn't think of how to do it well. So he put it off, and wrote it much later. So what I'm trying to say is that Phone Booth did NOT rip off Liberty Stands Still. The fact that they have similar plots is simply coincidence.

[MadsenOMC]

Larry Cohen.

[BRADFAN]

I've got to say that sound in movies isn't used nearly enough. I dissagree that sound has been used enough except in "The Ring".

The best example of a good sound design is the new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" trailer.

[MadsenOMC]

You're right about the excellent use of sound in the new TCM trailer. Have you seen The Others and Session 9?

[BRADFAN]

Yeah I saw them both. Not bad, but a lot more could have been done.

I guess my main gripe is that no one seems to know what scary is anymore. Freddy, not scary. Samara, scary!

Sound is just one part of it.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
Freddy, not scary. Samara, scary!

Freddy isn't scary when you see him in movies, but the thing that is scray about him is his face, i also was freaked out by chucky, that was one hell of a fucked up horror movie

[MadsenOMC]

The quality of the movies themselves can be debated, but I think the use of sound is used to outstanding effect in both The Others and Session 9. Much better than it is used in The Ring, in my opinion.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by MadsenOMC
The quality of the movies themselves can be debated, but I think the use of sound is used to outstanding effect in both The Others and Session 9. Much better than it is used in The Ring, in my opinion.

I think everybody agrees with you !!
I sure do

[BRADFAN]

I think I openned a can of worms!

Here's the deal. When all you've got is creepy wispers it gets old. I appreciated the use of sound in "The Ring" because it puncuated the situation.

Horror movies aren't my only bag. I'm really into thriller/drama, and one thing that pissed me off was when everyone said that "The Life of David Gale" was too out there and unrealistic.

I think that movies was great!

[MadsenOMC]

Where did The Life of David Gale come from? I don't want to start debating that movie. I think The Ring is good and the sound is very effective in it. But the sound in The Others and Session 9 really stayed with me long after the movie. There were sounds I couldn't forget. Not the same in The Ring, at least for me.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
I'm really into thriller/drama

I can imagine that, we all probably understand that without you telling us, when you have the avater of Brad Pitt from SE7EN and as favorite FIGHT CLUB, we all know you're into thrillers.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
I'm really into thriller/drama

I can imagine that, we all probably understand that without you telling us, when you have the avatar of Brad Pitt from SE7EN and as favorite FIGHT CLUB, we all know you're into thrillers.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
Freddy, not scary.

Maybe not to us anymore. But when I was a kid back in the 80's, Freddy was a hot topic. Alot of people I know have lost sleep over this asshole! heh! He may not be scary to adults, but to kids, and people who are afraid of the dark and what can happen in their sleep... he can be a creepy motherfucker!

[BRADFAN]

FREADY IS GONE! I WAS NEVER SCARED OF HIM EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID. THE EXCORSIST SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. THE REST OF THE "I NEVER DIE. EVER! I CHASE YOU AROUND AND THEN YOU DIE KIND OF COOL"? THESE GUYS ARE JOKES, AND THEY ALWAYS WILL BE.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
FREADY IS GONE! I WAS NEVER SCARED OF HIM EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID. THE EXCORSIST SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. THE REST OF THE "I NEVER DIE. EVER! I CHASE YOU AROUND AND THEN YOU DIE KIND OF COOL"? THESE GUYS ARE JOKES, AND THEY ALWAYS WILL BE.

So why the Caps? Pent up fear venting or what?

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
FREADY IS GONE! I WAS NEVER SCARED OF HIM EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID. THE EXCORSIST SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. THE REST OF THE "I NEVER DIE. EVER! I CHASE YOU AROUND AND THEN YOU DIE KIND OF COOL"? THESE GUYS ARE JOKES, AND THEY ALWAYS WILL BE.

didn't you read the rules ? caps aren't allowed or else it might be deleted, and yeah, what's with the caps, are you hurt in some way ?

[BRADFAN]

Caps were a mistake. I wasn't paying attention. I'm not scared by Freddy, Jason, Mike, Pinhead, or any other want to be. My point is that nothing new (or no new spins) have even been attempted. Hollywood is just rehash after rehash.

[ilovemovies]

The best use of sound in a horror movie IMO is The Blair Witch Project. There are even scenes in the movie that are completely in black but are very suspenseful because of what we hear and not see.

M. Night Shymalan's films have used sound EXTREMELY well too. The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs all have great use of sound.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by ilovemovies
M. Night Shymalan's films have used sound EXTREMELY well too. The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs all have great use of sound.

Especially signs, remember the theatrical trailer, the music playing in the background, they used it so damn well when Gibson first sees the "man" on the roof of his house through his son's window.

[BRADFAN]

You know what's funny? I wrote this in the hopes that I might find some people that felt the same way I did. I hoped to hear that you too felt that hollywodd could use some originality, but instead I found out why there is nothing really original. You are all defending the repetitive crap! I'm done with chats. When we go from using sound (not music, but sound design, big differance) to bringing up all of these sequel hacks it just blows my mind. Until the audiences decides that the same old predictable b.s. is stupid we will get no where!

[MadsenOMC]

Dude, simmer down. I'm with you. I would love some originality and I'm sick of all the same old Hollywood bullshit. I think this has been a terrible summer for Hollywood flicks. 99% of the good movies I've seen have been at the art house theatres. I'm on your side here.

[Golden Badtz]

everybody is on your side, I think thata every movie geek like most of us wants something new and original that's why THE MATRIX was such a hit, it was new and original no one has never seen those kind of effects before, when I first saw it, it blew me away, that's also why MATRIX RELOADED isn't that good, it takes everything from the first movie and ads nothing new.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Originally posted by BRADFAN
Until the audiences decides that the same old predictable b.s. is stupid we will get no where!

:rolleyes:

[XCoRyX]

Dark Blue,Freddy Vs Jason both were awesome flicks...and a few more flicks,though not maybe original,did Fully Please me...espicially Freddy Vs Jason

[ilovemovies]

I thought Identity was original. I mean, sure not in the begining. The first 2/3'ds of the movie are essentially standard slasher fare. But the final 20 minutes completely change that. And it is very original.

28 Days Later isn't exactly original per se, but it's an inventive and pretty cool take on the zombie genre. And this is coming from someone who normally doesn't care for zombie flicks.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Actually, if you think about it, Freddy Vs. Jason is somewhat "original". Nothing like this has ever been made or attempted before.

[ilovemovies]

Originally posted by ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW
Actually, if you think about it, Freddy Vs. Jason is somewhat "original". Nothing like this has ever been made or attempted before.

If you are referring to having to well known horror movie monsters fight each other then your wrong. King Kong vs. Godzilla? And I know there are alot of others. I just can't think of them right now.

But if that is not what you mean then maybe you should explain.

[Golden Badtz]

Originally posted by XCoRyX
Dark Blue,Freddy Vs Jason

Freddy Vs Jason, I could consider it as orginal, never before 2 legends fought together, so I guess it's new and original, why not ?
Dark Blue, na, never, there are way too many of those corrupt cops movies, L.A CONFIDENTIAL for example !!

[XCoRyX]

yeah,i agree,i definetly consider it original as hell,and the originality put into putting the 2 together wisely and smart.

[MadsenOMC]

Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man. Godzilla vs. King Kong. Freddy vs. Jason is not original people. Not by a long shot. Two legends clashing has been done before. I shudder to think that we live in a world where F vs. J is considered original. Dark Blue definitely isn't either. The setting was a little different. Not many cop movies set during the Rodney King trial and the riots that followed. But the story is pretty old.

[MadsenOMC]

Here is a great story about the death of quality and originality in Hollywood.

From here to mediocrity
Remember when they made movies full of life, personality and romance? Hollywood seems to have forgotten how. Today's typical film is brutal, unfeeling and dumb.

Mick LaSalle, Chronicle Movie Critic Sunday, August 17, 2003

The novelist James Baldwin once likened the experience of channel surfing American television to looking inside the mind of a mentally ill person. If the great man were alive today, one could only wonder what he might say about today's movies, the popular American releases in particular. Just a cursory survey of the last few years is enough to suggest that recent films have specialized mainly in paranoid fantasy and are bereft of that thing that Hollywood once wallowed in and that audiences once took for granted: simple human feeling.

For most of the 20th century, movies were built around star personality. No more. Instead, today's films are mainly genre entries in which the stars are pretty much interchangeable. These modern genres are not like the genres of old (musicals, romances, Westerns), which were designed to celebrate the individual. Instead they tend to be cold -- techno thrillers, action thrillers,

buddy action comedies, and fake-feminist films that emphasize the smallness of the individual and the brutality and seeming invincibility of a sinister world.

This is not to say that great movies don't slip through now and then. On the contrary, just as many great movies are being made today as at any time since the beginning of feature films. But great movies are individual miracles and always have been. The relative health of an era's cinema can more accurately be measured by examining routine releases, and on that score, today's films stack up poorly.

The average film of today is worse than the average film of 1960, 1970, 1980 and even 1990 -- worse in that today's films tend to be more intellectually insulting, more emotionally insincere and more fundamentally neurotic than the films of previous eras.

Just look at this summer. Most of the season's popular releases have seemed as if they were made either by people who have no concept of human emotions or,

at best, once read all about them on Vulcan. From the ugly romance of "Gigli" to the misplaced sentiment of "Hulk" to the blithe inhumanity of "Bad Boys 2," this has been one emotionally dislocated and peculiar season. And the films are emblematic of larger trends we see at work in American film today. Here are some of them:

Fake feminist action films: Ideas are conscious. Assumptions are unexamined.

The whole concept of the "Lara Croft" series is based on the big unexamined assumption that the best possible thing a woman can be is a man -- and a sick sort of man at that: unemotional, super-functional, a killer. Actually, the new "Lara Croft" movie tried to soften her up a little, but the character's coldness is so built into the series' design that there wasn't much room to grow.

"Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle" is sillier and more conscious of its message. That movie says the best thing women can do is practice violence, have no emotional life and act like very stupid girls. Then, when they grow up and get to be 40 (like Demi Moore), they can be distressingly skinny and have blindingly white teeth.

Today's fake feminist films make an interesting contrast with the women's films of the '40s, which had stars like Bette Davis and Rosalind Russell. Those films were hardly feminist in message -- the women usually ended up conforming to some acceptable male notion of respectability by the finish -- and yet they offered a feminist example, for the simple reason that the women were so expressive and dimensional.

In a sense, the '40s films showed that it was possible to be convincingly feminist without propounding a feminist message, while movies like "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" show the opposite -- that it's absolutely impossible to convey a feminist message without putting living, breathing, complex women on the movie screen.

Me, me, me: ''Bad Boys 2" is a good recent example of a tendency we see in recent films. The movie makes jokes about dead bodies and severed heads and demonstrates a stunning lack of compassion throughout. Yet it tries to make us feel warm and fuzzy at the finale, when Will Smith says to Martin Lawrence, "We ride together; we die together. Bad boys for life." This combination of excessive sentimentality toward the protagonists and callous indifference toward anyone else replicates the world-view of a selfish adolescent, but to say that is to be unfair to adolescents.

More accurately, the world-view is reptilian, and it can be found in other recent films as well -- including "Daredevil" and, most notoriously, "Bruce Almighty," from earlier this year. The latter featured Jim Carrey as a fellow who becomes God but does nothing about war, hunger, cancer, AIDS, heart disease or anything else. (He doesn't even get the CD and DVD companies to stop putting those labels at the top that make it hard to open the plastic cover -- he's useless.) He does, however, take care of his own professional and romantic life. And this is a fellow we're supposed to care about.

Stone-cold action movies: Action films have such a limited emotional palette that "Terminator 3" was able to represent, with complete dispassion, the death of hundreds of millions of people, and to do so without raising a flicker of feeling in the audience. Amazing. In "Hulk," the season's most fascinating failure, director Ang Lee tried valiantly to inject some sincere passion into the story of a fellow who keeps turning into a green giant and stomping everybody, but the result was an ungainly hybrid of seriousness and absurdity.

The failure was guaranteed -- built into the genre. You can't trick the devil from inside the devil's pocket.

The sad state of romance: Today's romances don't believe in romance. That's a problem. "Alex & Emma" was so anti-romantic that it actually made the case that its hero (Luke Wilson) should marry a boring priss (Kate Hudson) instead of a glamorous exciting woman (Sophie Marceau). Who would do such a thing -- and why would anyone want to make a movie about him?

"Gigli" is yet worse and more interesting. It's clearly an attempt by writer-director Martin Brest to make an adult romance -- and, indeed, the structure suggests a movie about a fellow who finds redemption in a woman's love. Yet Brest mucks it up with extraneous nonsense. He makes the woman into a lesbian, for reasons that only seem prurient, and tacks on an unconvincing gangland subtext. And he seems to inject all this for no reason but that he's incapable of making his protagonists even remotely compelling -- or even interesting to each other.

Adult romances trade on longing. One kiss between two people who are longing for each other can send shivers through an audience. But in "Gigli," she is willing to have sex with him for the hell of it, and he's interested in her because -- well, because she looks like Jennifer Lopez. There's no meeting of the minds. There are no minds. No wonder audiences laugh when Lopez, inviting Affleck to bed, says, "Gobble, gobble, gobble." It's not only a ridiculous line, but it also gives the lie to "Gigli" as a film about human passion.

The case of "Gigli" brings up a larger point -- the dearth of adult romances in our era. From the 1920s through the 1950s, the adult romance was one of the dominant film genres. That movies were about love, or that many of them were, was so widely assumed as to be barely noticed, no more than we might notice that today's pop songs are about love. It just seemed the natural order of things.

What makes a good romantic film so interesting? Not suspense, since everyone knows the formula ("Boy meets girl, boy loses girl . . ."). Partly it's the sexiness of the spectacle, but mainly it's the wonder of seeing people experiencing life, experiencing emotion, in a context in which there are no space aliens or guns, and where the focus is not on what happens in the external world but in the interior world of feelings.

Through 1960, approximately a quarter of all movies were, in some manner, love stories. In 1990, by my count, there were only eight adult romances, and by 2002 that number had dwindled to four. Of those, one was partly a thriller ("Life or Something Like It") and two ("Far From Heaven" and "Possession") took place, at least in part, in the past. Only in the past, it seems, did people fall in love.

This is significant. Think of the love story genre as a kind of canary in the coal mine. If the bird is singing, it's the surest indication that a spark of human feeling remains in our cinema. It indicates that filmmakers and audiences still believe that individuality is glorious and that normal life is important and interesting. That conviction is not only healthy for movies, it's also foundational in a democracy.

In other cinemas -- French, Italian, German -- the love story is thriving, but here the canary is heaving and calling out for an oxygen mask. I don't know if that means something or nothing. But I do know that if it means something, it's not something good.

[silentasylum]

LA confidential i think is a great movie, dark blue on the other hand looks mediocre.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Originally posted by MadsenOMC
I shudder to think that we live in a world where F vs. J is considered original.

Oh dear god, how cynical is that? Yes... The world is coming to an end one day at a time because Hollywood is "unoriginal".

[MadsenOMC]

Oh lighten up. That was meant to be light-hearted. Of course the worisn't coming to an end. But I somewhat cynical. Hollywood gives one plenty of reasons to be cynical. But Freddy vs. Jason is Citizen Kane compared to most of what I saw this summer.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Originally posted by MadsenOMC
But Freddy vs. Jason is Citizen Kane compared to most of what I saw this summer.

So I guess "unoriginal" movies can be entertaining as well?

[MadsenOMC]

Of course they can. I never said that unoriginal movies are never good or never entertaining. Most movies borrow heavily from other movies. That doesn't automatically make them bad. But I think the article makes a lot of good points.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

I dunno... I guess I'm just tired of hearing people complain about Hollywood being this, and Hollywood being that. Is it so hard to just kick back and relax?

[MadsenOMC]

I think it is. And I try. Believe me. Take Freddy vs. Jason as an example. I love horror movies and I love both series. When I first heard the music and saw the New Line logo, I was giddy. I was beyond excited. But I was let down by the movie. I know most others weren't, but I was. And I don't feel that I'm being too hard on it or unreasonable. I don't ask much from Hollywood, but most movies this summer didn't even meet my low expectations. But maybe I'm just getting too old. I was a lot more forgiving when I was 16 or 17. I'm harder to please now, even with the low expectations. I'm getting a little sick of the same old shit.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Well... What exactly are your low expectations?

[MadsenOMC]

I understand that summer movies are meant to be fun, not high art. I understand that they are expensive and it's a business and they need to appeal to a mass audience. So it's unfair to be overly hard on them. And I have no problem with mindless entertainment or movies that require you to leave your brain at the door. But I expect the filmmaker's to put a little effort into it. At least attempt to make it a little more than just another routine summer movie. For me, a recent example is Swordfish. Is it a great movie? No. But for a summer movie, I think it's almost perfect. It moves fast, the action is good, the cast is good and it wasn't entirely what I expected. A really solid summer movie. X2 is another one. Great summer movie. But for the most part, in recent years, most Hollywood summer movies have been painful to sit through. Overkill and then some. The same old shit. Of course this is just my opinion. I don't think much of most Hollywood movies. And I don't think of myself as elitist or an art house snob. I love movies of all genres and types. But there are too many sequels and remakes and a general lack of imagination in Hollywood.

[XCoRyX]

its all on your personal opinion of original and good and etc, thats my thoughts...

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Well, one of the reason I don't get all riled up and jittery about the unoriginality in Hollywood is because much like you, I don't expect much out of them. In fact, I'm whole-heartedly content with them simply keeping me entertained for all of two hours, give or take. Yeah, I agree with you about sequels being too frequent and stuff, but if I liked something once around, I don't mind giving it another go. And as for remakes, well... I don't get too bothered by them either because I honestly don't mind them. To me, it's just taking a popular "story" and giving it a different look and a different perspective. I mean, I know alot people argue "it's easy to just say don't watch it, or avoid it..." but honestly, it doesn't get much more complicated than that. If I'm not interested by something, I don't watch it. I don't go around saying hell is breaking loose because Legally Blonde 6 is being made. I just ignore it. Not my cup o' tea, so no use bursting an artery. Catch my drift?

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Originally posted by XCoRyX
its all on your personal opinion of original and good and etc, thats my thoughts...

You took the words right out of my mouth PJ! Hehe... That's pretty much what I was thinking all along.

[MadsenOMC]

I get it. And part of me agrees. But I am passionate about movies. And I can't help but want more from them and be disappointed with them sometimes. I love movies too much to be casual about them. It's too hard from me to shrug them off and not burst an artery sometimes. They mean too much to me.

[ZoMBiEPeEpSHoW]

Hey I hear ya! I'm a nutjob when it comes to movies too; what with my weekly growing DVD collection. Movies occupy a big part of my life and I would be bored halfway to hell without them. Anyways... I guess I'm just more laid back and forgiving towards what some people call "utter crap" when it all comes down to it. Retrospectively... not many people would list BAD BOYS as their favorite film of all-time. :D

[MadsenOMC]

Another good article. My favorite is definitely number 9: Roger Ebert and his new sidekick Richard Roeper should be required to wear condoms on their thumbs. They've become way too promiscuous about the films they jerk skyward for.

Mad for a fix


PETER HOWELL AND GEOFF PEVERE
MOVIE CRITICS

MAD magazine recently teed off on the 50 Worst Things About Movies, and as far as we're concerned, the timing couldn't be better.

It's been a year when flicks about talking fish, a freak horse and an ancient Disney ride have rocked the box office, and unbearable lovers Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have been only slightly less lethal than unstoppable killers Freddy and Jason.

Critics and moviegoers are in common agreement: film is in dire need of a fix.

Leave it to MAD to take the negative approach — even if it is pretty funny.

MAD is bugged about things like old white males acting like black rappers, perky Sandra Bullock pretending to be ugly, porky John Travolta still trying to dance and multiplexes bursting with movies derived from PlayStation games.

All important issues, we agree. But being Canadian right down to our maple-leaf boxer shorts, we prefer to address them in a more positive, life-affirming manner.

What, us worry?

Not when we have our list of 50 Ways To Save The Movies: 1To end the growing hassle and indignity of being subjected to bag searches, wanding and over-enthusiastic pat-downs prior to attending preview screenings, critics and "lucky" members of the public should be forced to attend in the nude.

The studios will never again have to worry about "bootleg" movies, because there will be no bootlegs. 2Force Eddie Murphy to sit through every one of his movies. Let him see what it feels like before he goes out and makes another one. 3Adam Sandler should be required by law to never again make a movie in which he plays an eccentric nerd with an explosively violent temper, who attacks people with little provocation and yet who still manages to get the cute girl in the end. Enough already. 4Offer "Suck Insurance." That way, if a movie sucks, the theatre owes you. 5A royal commission should be ordered by Ottawa to investigate and answer the burning question: "Why Do So Many Canadian Movies Suck?" 6Develop Karaoke Movies. That way, you can provide your own crappy dialogue. 7Theatres should be fitted with yellow emergency-stop strips like they have in subway trains, which patrons can rush to stop screenings for cliché-alert offences like:

(a) A hairbrush being used by a cloying actress to mime to an old Motown song;

(b) An action hero magically being able to unlock an "impenetrable" vault combination or defuse a bomb seconds before disaster;

(c) The first sign of any irritatingly "cute" kid or clever dog;

(d) Anyone vomiting to indicate emotional distress. 8Serve beer and wine at movies. As well as morphine, absinthe, marijuana and chocolate-covered peyote buttons. 9Roger Ebert and his new sidekick Richard Roeper should be required to wear condoms on their thumbs.

They've become way too promiscuous about the films they jerk skyward for. 10Add salaries to credits. As in "Starring Ben Affleck ($20-million U.S.)" 11Keanu Reeves should be prevented from appearing in movies where the words "intellectually challenging" are intended to be said with a straight face. 12Forbid the spilling of any bodily fluid besides blood. 13Drunks should be seen in films as obnoxious and slobbering as they are in real life, not as barroom wits or street sages. 14Based on his incredible evocation of Keith Richards in Pirates Of The Caribbean, Johnny Depp should be signed immediately to play Richards in the inevitable Rolling Stones biopic. A corollary: forbid Mick Jagger from acting ever again. 15Make subtitles to foreign films yellow instead of white, so we can actually read them. 16Deduct advertising fees from ticket costs. We shouldn't pay for trailers, pre-screening slide-show ads for video games and discount jewellery, or noxious product placement in movies. For this we should be paid. 17Instead of announcing the list of the weekend's bestselling movies every Monday morning, list the ones that are the best. 18If teenagers must be played by people in their 20s, their parents and teachers should be played by teenagers. 19Create a "Bad Taste Tax," to be levied against people who waste their money on such obvious trash as Jackass: The Movie, Freddy Got Fingered and Freddy Vs. Jason. Monies collected would go to a fund to encourage excellence in cinema. 20Force Bill Murray to make more movies. 21Force Ron Howard to stop making movies. 22Let the cute puppy die. 23Allow Michael Moore to make "documentaries" only if he agrees to have United Nations fact checkers verify his rabid ravings, allegations and finger-pointing. 24Tell formerly Communist countries like China and Russia that they can't just cherry-pick our good Hollywood films. If they want The Hours, they also have to take Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. 25Place warnings on movie posters and advertising we can really use. Like "Computer-Generated Cheese Content," or "May Contain Traces Of Madonna," or "Dangerous if Consumed Under the Influence of Thought." 26Immediately cease-and-desist with the use of dashes, colons and brackets in movie titles, some of which are longer and more complicated that the plots of the movies themselves. 27Promote more honesty in filmmaking. Instead of saying "Based On A True Story," how about "Wantonly Fabricated From A True Story"? 28Now that gay marriage is legal and all, have Frodo marry his adoring sidekick Sam atop Mt. Doom, in the final instalment of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy. All this heavy breathing is driving us crazy. 29Institute a "Kevin Spacey Clause" for Oscar recipients. If winners unleash more than four dogs subsequent to their awards, they must return them. On TV, during the awards. 30Forbid Whoopi Goldberg from ever again hosting the Oscars show, unless she signs a contract promising to never again try to be funny. 31And while we're at it, institute a maximum three-hour limit to the Oscar show, which could be achieved by cutting all those sappy songs and all those oh-so-worthy awards to embalmed celebrities. 32Why restrict the use of those nutty, end-credit outtakes to comedies? There must have been wacky moments on the set of Schindler's List, too. 33Please give Samuel L. Jackson a job other than playing the tough-as-nails veteran cop/soldier/jedi looking to recruit a few crazed young'uns for a suicide mission. 34A moratorium on the following: Martial arts. Motown music. Cell phones (on and off-screen). Colin Farrell. Handheld cameras. Slow-motion-flying-through-the-air-while-firing-two-pistols-shots. Children. 35Tell Kevin Costner he can no longer direct movies. Maybe he'll go back to starring in the occasional good one. 36Change the locks on Jerry Bruckheimer's office. Drop the keys in the Grand Canyon. 37Make a gay-themed movie where the central character doesn't adore show tunes, have a home shrine to Barbra Streisand or work as a hairdresser or set decorator. 38In movies where non-English characters speak accented English, make the English characters speak unaccented Tagalog. 39Tell Edward Burns he can no longer make or star in a movie in which he plays the know-it-all New Yorker who gets the girl despite his own lousy personality. 40Only cast Tom Cruise opposite women way taller than him. It's a blast to watch. 41Make it a federal offence for actors to attempt a foreign accent of any kind. 42Raise money to help Anthony Hopkins retire. 43Make a Canadian movie in which Callum Keith Rennie doesn't play a dysfunctional dad or weird dude, Don McKellar doesn't play the wry egghead and David Hewlett doesn't have to sweat. 44If spontaneous audience heckling displays more wit than what's onscreen, hecklers should be given a reasonable portion of that night's box office receipts. Poor heckling should be punishable by multiple Eddie Murphy screenings. 45Men over 55 in movies should not: Beat the bejeezus out of people half their age. Have sex with people half their age. Show us their butts. Speak street jive. Play anything other than men over 55. 46Bring back Bruce Dern. We need him. 47All sequels should be called "Again." As in Spider-Man Again. Then Spider-Man Again And Again. Then Spider-Man Again And Again And Again. And so on. 48Give credit where it's due. As in "And Also Starring Toronto as Cleveland." 49Stop letting Steven Spielberg read books. 50Stop making movies for a full year, so we can all catch up to any good ones we've missed.

[The1TrueFrog]

Maybe we're facing the sad truth that Hollywood is just running out of ideas. If that weren't a fact, why all the remakes? Why all the sequels? It takes a lot to impress me when it comes to movies because nothing shocks me anymore...

The visuals, the sounds, the music, everything that is used to trick the audience I am used to. I expect something bad to happen when it gets quiet, or when it rains, or when someone walks slowly --- the tricks to hollywood I consider un-useful elements --- I need surprise dammit!

The Ring and Identity are only two recent movies that had the shock factor down pat ... when completely reliant on visuals and sounds for effect you can end with something like feardotcom, and we all know how that one turned out .. :o