X's Screenplays Thread.

[X-Nightcrawler]

I don't want to plague the boards with ten thoudand 'My newest script' threads so I decieded to whip up one where all my current and upcoming scripts are detailed.

----------------CURRENT-------------------

[list=1]
"Flatline"
Progress: Around page 70.
See Cover Here (http://www.nightmaredome.4t.com/flatlineposter.html)
"Hometown"
Progress: Done, polishing.
See Cover Here (http://www.nightmaredome.4t.com/hometownposter.html)
"Oath" (Werewolf vs. vampyre)
Progress: Around 30's.
See Cover Here (http://www.nightmaredome.4t.com/oathposter.html)

[/list=1]

-----------------UPCOMING-----------------

[list=1]
"Heartbeat: Flatline II"
This one is a strage one. The idea is to create another mindfuck atmosphere, but in a mental hospital (wihtout the audience knowing (you'll see)) and with the main character being alive, not dead. The characters are not coming back or not even mentioned. The only bond that links the two is the hellish settings and atmosphere and the wolves are coming back.
NOTE: I am working in this one alone.
See Cover Here (http://www.nightmaredome.4t.com/flatline2poster.html)
"The Second Coming: A Sequel To 'Hometown'"
No details on this yet but it will continue in with Jessica's story, as Jonathan and Ernest die; it will also add a new character: "Leon".
"Oath 2: Innocent Blood"
Direct continuation to the first one.
"Oath: New Moon Rising"
Prequel to the first, Kurt doesn't appear, this is Ralph's (character I didn't mention but is dead in the beggining of the first) story.
[/list=1]

-----------------DOUBTFUL-----------------
*I don't think I'll be doing these any time soon.
[list=1]
"Untitled" (FD Spoof)
"Final Destination 3"
I thought of this one to break the 'rehash' thing. Taking place in real life as the third 'Final Destination' movie is being filmed, there is an accident, (making some changes as there's no premonition) but a lot of things happen around the universe of the films. I thought it was an interesting ideas.
[/list=1]

-----------------CANCELLED-----------------
[list=1]
Superstitions
Schoolyard
Schoolyard 2
Schoolyard 3
[/list=1]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There, any thoughts/ideas/comments/bashings?

[TheJadedGamer]

WHAT!? Your doubtfull on the FD parody!?

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by TheJadedGamer
WHAT!? Your doubtfull on the FD parody!? Yep! I an not only dry in ideas, I am also working faster on the other three.

BTW, what do you all think about the posters I made for each movie?

[RavenBlade]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler


BTW, what do you all think about the posters I made for each movie?


The Oath poster kicks so much
ass, and so does the poster
for Flatline, however, your Hometown
one, needs some work, it looks
to bland, but it's not all that bad.

I'd be interested in hearing
more about Flatline.

Looks like you have a full
plate on your hands.

Raven

[X-Nightcrawler]

EDIT! Must Clean House Here.

[stormy waters]

Damn, thats pretty cool. I personnaly think hospitals are freakin creepy. good luck!

[X-Nightcrawler]

Thanks!

Did some changes: The 'Hometown' poster is now the 'Flatline 2 Poster' I am doing the new Hometown one as we speak.
-
-
-
-
There, the new Hometown one is up.

See Poster Here (http://www.nightmaredome.4t.com/hometownposter.html)

[TheJadedGamer]

Like the others, I liked the Oath and Flatline posters.

[X-Nightcrawler]

For those who know about my Flatline script. What do you think of the sequel's approach?

[C-Desecration-]

For those who know about my Flatline script. What do you think of the sequel's approach?


Sequel? Either you're really jumping the gun, or has a studio accepted the flatline screenplay? Well, even if it's the latter, I'd wait on it. You never can be sure what kind of business a movie will make.

[Pestilence]

Hey Nightcrawler,

From what I can tell, you're certainly into screenwriting in a BIG way, as am I, but just one thing.

While the Flatline script sounds absolutely fantastic, reading your in-depth description I just thought one thing - "Independent Film".

It gave me the same kind of feeling that Dante Tomaselli's "Horror" did....in that major studios wouldn't even touch it, unless everything was made crystal clear as to what was going on...which I dont think would suit the script OR your intentions. I'm not trying to provide negative criticism for the sake of it, but just bringing this point to the surface.

Maybe you could email me or contact me through MSN...you have a lot of ideas and I would like to chat/share screenplays with you. My email is "pestilence_gj@hotmail.com".

[X-Nightcrawler]

Thanks for that...I know it's really hard to explain in the movie's real meaning making it make sence but this is what I've done so far:

-They mention Jack's parents died when Alex is filling the hospital's forms.
-The word 'Alelassi' is written in blood in various places of the hospital.
-The final 'twisted ride' has some glimpses on the Phil/Lilly backstory.
-The wolves appear behind Alelassi when Jack finally meets him/her. (there's no 'killer motive' speech of course, there's more something like a 'speaking in weird english small explanation'* thing)

*. The explanation is really vague, I want to put audiences to think and get the movie, not only giving it all away in a tiring last sequence.
---------------------------

Yeah sure, I'll add you to my MSN, see what we can figure. Thanks for the critique again.

[X-Nightcrawler]

I think I will also give C-Desecration's "Hello and Goodbye" a shot...I had never adapted before.

[X-Nightcrawler]

C, I need you to tell me what you think on the first scene (I made a few slight changes) I read the part before the first chapter about 3 times (btw, amazing writing). here it is:


In the darkest of times...hope springs eternal.

FADE IN:

INT. – ALAN’S BATHROOM – NIGHT

Macabre is the word, the WHITE SCREEN shows us the moment before we all sense the inevitable evil and makes a contrast with the upcoming darkness.

We start the journey with a STEAMY MIRROR in the equally steamy bathroom, ALAN MERCK, 17, tall, sharply skinny, naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist, starts DRAWING in the mirror’s steam with his fingers as the camera FIXES in the words he drew: “I won”.

ALAN
(VO)
She didn’t run out on me...
I didn’t let her...

He then WIPES the steam off revealing his face to us. He has a macabre smile, whatever he did, he enjoyed it, but there’s regret in his grin.

FLASH! There’s a glimpse of the bathtub, scalding and blood filled water surrounds the LIMP CORPSE of a pretty milky skin woman.

Alan turns to see her and fixes a lost stare, the camera then fixes in gruesome detail at the scary corpse, the woman’s throat is slit and has several stab wounds GUSHING BLOOD in what we can see of her nude body.

ANGLE ON – THE WOMAN’S FACE

She has a small swirl of blood coming from her nose.

Alan notices this in sheer and ominous FEAR.

ALAN
Oh...Oh God...sorry.

Alan looks up at the overhead shower, it DRIPS. He reaches for the valves and turns the HOT VALVE. The shower stutters before SHOWERING the woman in the face with the HOT water. The blood washes away and joins the rest of it in the bathtub.

ALAN
There...better?

The limp corpse.

He walks over to the mirror, the words are fading as droplets fall over them...he PRESSES his hands against the mirror and looks at himself...before spurting a bloodcurdling SCREAM.

CUT TO:

INT. – ALPINE HIGH – ENGLISH CLASS – DAY

A descent looking teacher in a long navy blue dress is giving the lecture as we pan to show Alan, sitting in a desk with his head thrown between his stretched arms, his face shows a smile.

CUT TO:

[C-Desecration-]

I like it (except for some bizarre wordy things at the beginning--aren't you only supposed to say what the viewer sees? It read like a novel for a second there) . . .

BUT, this is why I wanted you to familiarize yourself with what it written. See, the scene in the beginning actually takes place in the future. As soon as chapter 1 starts, we see that Alan is perfectly normal (mentality wise). I plan on repeating the beginning scene at the very end of the novel. So the scene that shows Alan in the classroom, smiling might give the audience the wrong impression.

This is sort of getting off topic, because I'm going to explain a bit more. I'll just PM you.

[Pestilence]

I think Nightcrawler did a pretty good job with that first page, and i think it shows quite a bit of promise for the rest of the story.

Although, Desecration, what I think Nightcrawler is trying to do with this beginning, is purposely disorientate the viewer when the next scene shows Alan perfectly normal, smiling. As the story progresses on from this, the viewer should gradually come to realise that what they had seen in the beginning was not what came before, but what is inevitably approaching. I think in a theatrical sense this works much better than simply telling the viewer then and there that we have gone back in time.

All the best,

Pestilence

[X-Nightcrawler]

Yeah Pestilence hit it.

QUICK 'OATH' QUESTION!!!

Would it be like extremely lame to mention the movie Underworld?

[C-Desecration-]

Extremely.
Uber extremely.
Audience-clearing-out-of-the-movie-theater extremely

[X-Nightcrawler]

lol, yeah...I thought it would.

[Freddy Krueger6]

really sick posters like them alot ...flatline sounds awesome...damn i needa start writing sum scripts i have so many good ideas on horror movies that i think many people will enjoy..thanks X your motivating me into pursuing it;)

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by Freddy Krueger6
really sick posters like them alot ...flatline sounds awesome...damn i needa start writing sum scripts i have so many good ideas on horror movies that i think many people will enjoy..thanks X your motivating me into pursuing it;) Welcome! Go 4 it!

[TheJadedGamer]

Hey, I was thinking of your Final Destination last night, and am getting plans on trying another go at it.

This time it takes place in real life (as you said in your projects). An obsessed fan (Which I'll probably call Kurt, in honor of you, oh holy FD watcher) has waited patiently for Final Destination 3 to be released. Together was about five of his friends, he heads to the movie theather. But something bad happens along the way (haven't figured it out yet) and Kurt saves his friends from an accident. (In the beginning, Kurt jokes around by saying 'I've had a vision', and points out all the things that could happen to his friends) Like the movies, death starts coming after him and his friends. With no luck, him and the remaining friends (about 2) meet with two of the stars from the Final Destination movies; A.J. Cook and Devon Sawa. Now, with the two stars also in the mix, Kurt must find a way to stop death once and for all....

Yeah, I think it is pretty crappy myself, and by the looks of it, my Friday the 13th script won't be coming any time soon (too many conflicts).

[X-Nightcrawler]

AWESOME!! Will Kurt die a really neat death? Please keep me informed.

[C-Desecration-]

I was thinking of your Final Destination last night


God Jaded, you just take an idea and shake it like a topless hooker mixing martinis.

Well I don't much care for it.


Sorry, barrage of family guuy quotes. My mistake.

oh, and about the Oath poster . . . no big deal, but I'd scrap the wolf. Blah. You're going to have vampire/werewolf deal, right? That poster only shows a werewolf. Why not have something like a desk beside a window, garlic/stakes/crosses scattered on the surface, and outside the moon is full.
Vampires (garl/cross/stake)
Werewolf (full moon).

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
God Jaded, you just take an idea and shake it like a topless hooker mixing martinis.

Well I don't much care for it.


Sorry, barrage of family guuy quotes. My mistake.

oh, and about the Oath poster . . . no big deal, but I'd scrap the wolf. Blah. You're going to have vampire/werewolf deal, right? That poster only shows a werewolf. Why not have something like a desk beside a window, garlic/stakes/crosses scattered on the surface, and outside the moon is full.
Vampires (garl/cross/stake)
Werewolf (full moon).

1. Because I can't do whatever I want. All these are pics I downloaded from the net.
2. Because garlic, stakes and crosses mean shit in the script.
3. Because the werewolf is the heart of the story, the vampires are there to contrast. I want people to familiarize with the wolves since frame one.

God...I should be directing my movies.

[TheJadedGamer]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler
AWESOME!! Will Kurt die a really neat death? Please keep me informed.

Alright, here is what I have for far for ideas: It starts off like any other Final Destination movie; a panning around of a room, which turns out to be A.J Cook's room. She wakes up, walks toward a mirror, and BOOM! The mirror explodes! We then hear someone say 'CUT!', and it is David R. Ellis, the director. Seems they are shooting Final Destination 3. It is finally A.J. Cook's day to wrap when a crew member explains that someone has hacked into Ellis' computer, and is reading the script as they speak.

That hacker is Jimi (Ok, I know you're thinking 'WHAT ABOUT KURT!?' Well, Kurt is Jimi's FD obsessed friend, who mentions numerous times about his own movie script, like saying things about how he 'Needs to put this in his script' and other things.) Jimi is then forced to get off when Kurt comes to his house for a normal day of slacking. Kurt explains to Jimi that the final day of shooting for FD3 was today, and that the movie should be done soon. ("2 months!" "2 months, isn't that a bit quick?" "Well, it is going up againist four horror remakes!")

6 months later, the movie is released. Jimi and Kurt decide to see it as 8 PM tonight, and they gather their friends, hoping to enjoy a nice day of gore...until something goes wrong.



This is just an idea, I don't know if I'll write it or not, because

1.) Ellis is not the writer
2.) Two people can't be that obsessed with Final Destination. (Excluding you, X!)

Oh, and sorry for bringing this up in your thread, just thought I'd let you know without having another FD thread.



God Jaded, you just take an idea and shake it like a topless hooker mixing martinis.

What is wrong with topless hookers mixing martinis!? They need a job, too!

[X-Nightcrawler]

My, so cool. Just if at any point you decide to cann/hold this, please pass it on.

[TheJadedGamer]

I'm still thinking about if I'm going to do it or not.

One kill I've made up is where someone keeps saying that the FD movies sucked, and they walk out into the road and almost get hit by a bus (it passes in front of him). He goes 'I'm alright!' and another bus smashes into him.

[C-Desecration-]

1. Because I can't do whatever I want


You're quite the little pessimist, aren't you?


This whole thread has really gone off topic (I blame it on the beer).

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
You're quite the little pessimist, aren't you?
Lol, I really can't.

[C-Desecration-]

Hmm . . .
*thoughtful silence*









































































. . . I disagree

[X-Nightcrawler]

Oath will be having a title change.

And here's a little taste of a scene. Tell me what you think.

[Psyco Chick18]

X, you are so talented. The Flatline poster is wicked!

You write such amazing screenplays. I hope i can be like you some day. I'm working on a screenplay right now, when i'm done would you look it over and tell me what you think?

You just have an amazing talent.

[X-Nightcrawler]

*UBER blushes*

Thanks!! My! really thanks. I'll check over your script when it's done with pleasure. If you need anything just tell me.

[C-Desecration-]

In regards to the Oath sample . . .

First off, I like it. A lot. The only problem is that, so far, there is nothing really unique about it. Some wicked imagery (I'd die a happy man if I could see Ruby use that sword doodad on the big screen), interesting premise, and dozens of characters aren't going to disguise the fact that it's basically Underworld 2. Although this is just a sample, I'd recommend (if you haven't) adding some HUGE things to distinguish it from the others. The 'levels' that I remember you mentioning before will help, but make these differences very apparent AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Kind of slapping a "Hey, this ain't underworld!" into the audiences faces.

But, as usual, I have some comments:


"Kurt, scared, grabs a strange patterned flag that stood next to others to his right tightly and RAMS it in Louis’ gut"
First off, that seems a little out of character for Kurt (from just what you gave to read). He's scared, in a blind panic, sure, but the violence shown there seems uncharacteristic for him. Perhaps you'd want to touch on some internal rage (which is actually his lycanthrope side peeking through) that drives him to that act, and right after he looks shocked/startled . . . but decides to get his ass in gear regardless.


" KURT
Who are you people? Why do
you know my name and why did
the other asshole punch me?"

Okay . . . if I just saw what he did, that would be the last thing on my mind. " So . . . (thinking) vampires, I'm being chased, attacked . . . but that doesn't matter--who the fuck punched me?!" You know what I'd like to see?

ALTERED:
"
KURT
Who are you? Why do you know my name and why . . ."
All right, stop--I'm not sure how you'll handle the werewolf transformations, but give Kurt a little blast of that at the moment. Eyes red, voice loudened into an angry growl, whatever . . .
". . . why did that other asshole punch me?"
Maybe he attacks Ruby for one split second, stops, looks confused, then continue on with the scene. Maybe he's kind of struggling with his inner-wolf deal. Then again, I'm not sure of the mythology you use, so I could be off.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Hey! Thanks for the props. Down to buissness.

The fact of the matter is that this is a 10 page sample and I understand most of the negative points (the flag thing for one). I think if you read the entire thing, you'd change your mind on the 'Underworld 2' scenario. (don't get me wrong, I totally understand why you or anyone else would say this). This is the things I've done.

1. The fact that the guy that punched him IS a vamp isn't really said untill later, the fight isn't the actual core of the movie so I decided to explain that later. After a second vamp encounter which is a scene I loved and I will put down below.

2. The 'Hollywood' werewolf rules are EXTREMELY bent, there's a scene (which I think is pretty long) in Kurt's first night in the temple where Frank vaguely explains the entire thing to him, then Ruby gives him a little lesson on what they do as the family. And later on, Louis and Ruby explain the transformation steps, why it is hard to kill vamps or lycanthropes and finally how they are created.

3. i've tried to see the movie ENTIRELY through the werewolf's eyes but with the whole Craig going vamp scenario, I needed to add vamp scenes alone.

4. The movie is a little slow for the first block. This explains the entire nature and in the end, to clean the wolves' names a little ;).

5. I did a LITTLE humor (when Kurt sits to eat with Louis, Ruby, Carlos and Adam to eat he stops suddenly to ask "This isn't vampire is it??" to which everyone else replies with insistant laughter).

Anyway, I'm glad (and surprised) you liked it (I thought you'd spit on it like dogshit). Anyway. Here's the second taste to see how you like this bit. One last thing...any ideas for the new title?

[Psyco Chick18]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler
*UBER blushes*

Thanks!! My! really thanks. I'll check over your script when it's done with pleasure. If you need anything just tell me.

Hehe, no prob. sweetie. ;)

I'm halfway done with it, i think it's kind of dull. But then again, i think everything i write is dull. But you might enjoy it, it's just you're typical tourture/slasher/vampire flick. :D

You'll be the first to read it when i'm done and thank you so much!

[C-Desecration-]

Lucky me.
More Oath (and what do you mean name change?).

. . . okay . . . first off, is 'sexily' a word?
Here we go:

" RUBY
Kurt!

LOUIS
Cavalry has arrived.

Kurt looks at Louis and Ruby nervously.

KURT
(sinking realization)
So it wasn’t a dream..."
Woah--stop that. Again, I don't know where this is in the story, the background, so take this with a grain of salt. I just found it distracting a cliched.
Continuing . . .

" Suddenly, Louis and Ruby start TRANSFORMING into the creatures we saw before.

LOUIS
(to Kurt)
Transform!"
Woah woah--stop again. Transform? " Wonder powers, unite!" This isn't power rangers. Let's put a little pit of subtle shit in there? How about Louis just stares long (well, maybe not long) and hard at Kurt, so then he turns to Ruby . . .
. . . who tips him a wink, and suddenly . . .
BAM--he transforms:
"Suddenly, Kurt falls in the ground in pain. We see how his eyes turn yellow . . ."


as Louis and Ruby start kicking, punching and biting

No, no, no. I hate it when vampires/werewolves fight with martial arts. Vampires main priorities should be getting near the neck, while werewolves leap/slash/claw/bit. No kicking. No punching. No . . . unless this has something to do with their levels, and if it does, my mistake.

Now this I really like:
"
Kurt starts walking but he can’t walk in such a strange pose he falls to one side.

RUBY
(looking at Kurt)
Shit."

Bravo. Maybe elaborate on that a little, perhaps one of Kurt's legs hasn't exactly 'transformed' as much as his other limbs (because hey--it's his first time, right?--his body has to get used to it), so then his knees buckle, he falls, the lacking joint suddenly bulges, he gets on all fours, then just collapsed.

I'm interested to read the whole damned thing once you finish.

[X-Nightcrawler]

lol, I just KNEW you were going to pick on the whole 'transform!' bit...Ill also kick out the 'Cavalry's arrived' line...lame-o-matic.

Let me explain the 'it was a dream' thing...

After the first encounter (above), Kurt faints and we SMASH CUT TO: Kurt, waking up in his bed. The next day he tells Erin how 'He had the weirdest dream'. Later, he's having a shower where he remembers his dream (the 'We are all lycanthropes'...'that includes you') and he smiles, I want that to show Kurt's inner desire to BE a lycanthrope. When they mention 'he's the new one' again, he realized it wasn't a dream...it actually happened, although the audience knows it wasn't a dream.

Thanks again.

And yes...sexily IS a word. :)

[C-Desecration-]

sexily IS a word


No fucking way! Sexily?

I'm poppin' off for the night, but one last thing:
And later on, Louis and Ruby explain the transformation steps, why it is hard to kill vamps or lycanthropes and finally how they are created.

This isn't a big problem, but I'd prefer you don't explain everything related to the 'stages'. Since you are apparently playing it cool for the first-half, why not leave things in the dark? So that the audience will be caught red-handed: " Oh, I know how the werewolves act. Here's the full moon, blah, blah-" Then wham!, you throw in one of your 'twists' and startle the little bastard. Take Jeepers Creepers--wasn't it better not knowing exactly what the creep was going to do? Same thing here. it just seems like that scene has been repeated a good thousand times--shake it up a little. Things like this are what is going to either bring oath into something original, or a derivitive rip-off. It's small touches that'll bring this story into its own.


Sorry about the criticism, but one more . . . that little 'humor' example you posted is a little weak. Ax it.


EDIT: An idea just popped into my head that I doubt'll make much difference (you'd probably need to change your entire screenplay), but I thought it would be interesting if neither Kurt nor the viewer knew, for a good portion of the story, what Kurt really is. Like don't give away that he's a werewolf . . . but in signs that he could be either, so that the viewer won't know which faction wants to help him or kill him (are the werewolves tryng to recrute him/kill him, or are the vampires trying to recrute/kill him?). That's it.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Although the idea is pretty awesome. I gotta say that I couldn't use it because that's in no way what I want this script to be. I want to focus on Kurt's inner desire to be part of the 'war' in the Lycanthropes' side.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Ok with the second badge (sp?) of scripts (Oath, Hometown and Flatline) almost done...I'll post the vague details for the next Ill do:

Heartbeat: Flatline II-------

This one is a 'Cube 2' kinda sequel. Where the only thiong they have in common is the enviroment and the idea. This time around, we see someone living a life, then a nightmare (flatline 1 style) then he gets taken to a mental institution, then more nightmare, etc... I'm aiming for another confusing story where you totally don't know what's real and what's not. It will end in the main character (who will be called 'Michael') stranded in the mental institution...alive but totally vegetable, where he is only living his nightmarous and hellish nightmare (probably forever, until he dies) only in his mind...I dunno...because of a drug or something (gotta figure this out).

What do you think?

[C-Desecration-]

Now you're obviously free to do whatever (because I don't control you . . . yet), but I'd personally consider concentrating on any other screenplays before jumping the gun with a sequel. And if there's an intruiging 'twist' for a sequel, why not integrate that into the original, and make it even better?

But another comment on Flatline in general:
This I like (same as Oath), but there could be some problems. First off, this screams a short, 60-min flick that is basically an onslaught of varied storylines where the characters only background are people they care for. I don't see any personality emerging what from you've posted, I see characters that will be fairly one-dimensional. I'd get the viewer to care for the characers before you begin to mind-fuck them over, so then the mind-fuck will be even more startling.
I'm not saying this right . . .
Okay, you have an attention-grabbing, if not original premise, but it seems like you are relying on the premise to keep the interest levels. Keep in mind that 1, the premise has been done before, and 2, plot alone won't get the job done, especially if it's not exactly layered (like flatline's). Squirt some juice into the character's personalities. Now you could be doing this, but if not I'd suggest to: if you want to start right off into the mind-fuck, use the personal hells to develope each character. And not just 'oh, this guy loves his wive/kid, whatever', but personality, not just background. You've got a pretty easy premise for that, so it shouldn't be too hard.

I'd still like to see the original Flatline script.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Ok, have in mind that there is a 20 minute period before they even get to the hospital and the twstedness kicks in, so I used that to develop the characters as much as I can PLUS the scenes in the hospital can also develop each.

[captainjesus]

Nightcrawler,

i am a Very big werewolf fan, and was looking to write my own script on the subject. do you think you might need a partner writing your script? i wouldnt mind in the least :D

[X-Nightcrawler]

Sorry man but the script is a few 4 pages away from being complete...why not try your own? I'll help in what you want to.

Btw, if you like werewolves, I think you might like 'Oath'. ;)

[captainjesus]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler
Sorry man but the script is a few 4 pages away from being complete...why not try your own? I'll help in what you want to.

Btw, if you like werewolves, I think you might like 'Oath'. ;)

i would love to read the whole thing if you would allow me. if you want, could you send it to fishborpheus@yahoo.com ? thanks man!

and i was thinking about writing a script along the lines of one of Arrow's suggestions in the An American Werewolf in Paris review he did. about genocidal werewolves killing off humans. but it would be about them killing off bums, prostitutes and other "unwanted" members of society. what do you think?


ps, and your contributions to the script would be greatly appreciated! :D

[C-Desecration-]

You better not send it to jesus, X (he might be your savior, but hold off--those jokes'll never get old), because you better post the Flatline script here so other schmoes can check it out.

If not, I know where you live . . .
Sorry, I mean 'where you post'. So watch it.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Thats quite the start. Make a Word doc where you write the plot,, the characters, the demises, etc...that should get you started, then start writing whatever comes out and polish and polish and polish. Then, send it to me or post it here. Good luck.

[X-Nightcrawler]

I need to do some copyright and polishing before anything...for both Flatline and Oath....and Hometown at that...shit thats almost 60 us dls!

[captainjesus]

X, ill write some stuff up for it tomorrow (maybe tonight if i get bored) and ill post it and let me know what you think.

.... is it ok if i post it in this thread? i dont know if i wanna start a whole new thread for it.


and Desecration.... shut up :D ;) :D

[X-Nightcrawler]

Ok, Oath is going TOO long!! I had to cut it up at parts and rewritting ensued. I'm almost halfway through it (my entire tale) and I'm already in page 90! That's an hour and a half and I havent reached the half of it!!

Someone tell me...should I cut it up in two? Oath Part I and Oath Part II? Kinda like SK's "It".

[Freddy Krueger6]

yep best bet would be to break it into 2 parts....many people dont like when something goes on for too long...so break it up into two...goodluck:)

[C-Desecration-]

Realistically, if you split your script into 2 parts kiss any hope of it getting picked up goodbye. That is, unless each part has a reasonable start/finish, although I doubt that's how it's going to be. I'd cut some stuff out. It shouldn't be too hard.

and Desecration.... shut up

Sadly, that is not humanly possible. May God have mercy on us all . . .

[captainjesus]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
Realistically, if you split your script into 2 parts kiss any hope of it getting picked up goodbye. That is, unless each part has a reasonable start/finish, although I doubt that's how it's going to be. I'd cut some stuff out. It shouldn't be too hard.

yeah, Des has a point. ( i feel dirty now:( hehe jk!)and it would kinda be a bitch to split it up. better to just make it 1 long script. it would be better that way, and alot of movies are getting longer these days

Sadly, that is not humanly possible. May God have mercy on us all . . .

damn, well, it was worth a try...

[X-Nightcrawler]

shit you're right....like always.

[captainjesus]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler
shit you're right....like always.

wait, who? me? Des? answers dammit!!:D just kidding!

[X-Nightcrawler]

I meant C, Capt'n. :D

--

I'm in the uber depression part of the movie for Kurt (page 110) and I'm still nowhere near the end.

Quick question...should the script end with a MASSIVE epic fight outside the black house (when you read it, youll know)? Like hundreds of vamps vs hundreds of lycanthropes??

What do you think?

[TheJadedGamer]

Hmm...a MASSIVE battle? It could work...it just might work....

But, I'd throw something twisted into the battle, too. Since there are so many movies with epic battles as the climax, you need a way to spice it up.

BTW, X, I'm looking forward to reading this.

[C-Desecration-]

I like the big battle - love the big battle - but you got to have some kind of personal revelation that just gets the blood pumping. Maybe the first time Kurt finally reaches his ultimate transformation level . . . then all hell breaks loose. Or maybe you could give some sort of catalyst that sends all the werewolves/vampires into their final levels for the finale.
That'd be cool.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
I like the big battle - love the big battle - but you got to have some kind of personal revelation that just gets the blood pumping. Maybe the first time Kurt finally reaches his ultimate transformation level . . . then all hell breaks loose. Or maybe you could give some sort of catalyst that sends all the werewolves/vampires into their final levels for the finale.
That'd be cool. That's the idea, it would take place in a full moon night and when Kurt is almost dead KABLAM BEEYATCH! He goes level 5 and kills more vamps (including Craig) that's legal in 45 states. then, he's back to normal, like almost dead the next morning.

But its a little sad. Because Kurt is a lycanthrope:
-Monica, his best (girl)friend dies.
-Craig, his best best friend betrays him and dies (in Kurt's level 5's hands).
-Cheats on his girlfriend.
-Breaks up with his girlfriend before the big ass battle.

But he falls in love with Ruby, the really hot (im picturing Kat Isabelle playing her) lycanthrope.

The end?

[C-Desecration-]

I'd hold off on the lovey-dovey stuff with Ruby. Build up the relationship with his girl, so then when she eats it, we feel it as an audience. If Kurt is slobbering over Ruby all the while his girl's death won't have as much impact. Maybe bring the ruby/kurt deal into more of a brother/sister thing.
But it's your script, so do what you want, just post it soon.


Kathereen Isabelle? The one from ginger snaps? Come on! You can do better than that . . .
*impatient*
I'm waiting . . .

[TheJadedGamer]

Hmm....may I suggest A.J. Cook or Keegan Connor Tracy?

Alright, I'll go back to my corner and cry....

[X-Nightcrawler]

Erin (the girlfriend) doesn't die. But when he realizes the situation he is in (think in Monica's dead) he says no and breaks up, this is after Monica's funeral when he is very sad, right before the big ass battle. So there's a lot of time when you see their very strong love relationship and what happens is: There's a scene around page 60 when Ruby and Kurt are alone and they are about to kiss, but he stops it. Later, after being speared, Kurt sees Ruby enter and they start to make out (*NOTE* Here's the only tit shot in the script) and bam! He wakes up! Later, in a cabin they actually DO make out and surprise surprise! Monica sees them! A lot of things happen and a few twists ensue. Damn, I need to finish this so you guys can read it. I read it and I noticed how it really has no 'Underworld' left on it.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Oh and another thing...could someone help me with another title for 'Oath'? I'm still blocked and I don't like that title.

[X-Nightcrawler]

EDIT! Must Clean House Here.

[C-Desecration-]

"Why is this taking place in Rainy Hills?"
Because it’s every character’s hometown. It was calling them back (Jonathan anyways), to die. That’s why the mile marking sign changed and the car was parked in the middle of the street, the town was forcing him to come back.

A little too much like Silent Hill. That might fly, but what with the movie getting made and whatnot something such as this doesn't stand a good chance to getting picked up as something 'original' (though it could still get picked up).

And the whole thing with Hometown is that it's basically just a hook. You're throwing elaborate explanations with stylish labels (Omega end, gates/land of the dead, etc.) for what is basically just different plains of reality. Granted that idea hasn't been done much before, but you're completely blowing the idea out of proportion. It's relatively simple; the three appear to be transitioning between these alternate 'plains' of existence. See how quick that was? In your explanation you confuse without the need to.
Do you have a reason for why the town is doing this?
How the town is doing this?
Are others affected? Why/ why not?
Wouldn't there be some interesting problems happening if one persons mind existed in a different plain of existence? Wouldn't people in the 'normal' plain eventually realize somethings wrong?
Now you obviously don't have to throw out answers to all those questions, but elude to it. People on these boards praise directors like Tomaselli (Horror/Desecraton) who don't necessarily put all the answers in your lap, but sorry to say that they are lazy. The hardest part of storytelling is communicating the story to the viewer. Just throwing all these things in and saying "Gee, I'm just being sublte" isn't clever or artsy--it's lazy. I'm not saying you're doing that, though.

In the screenplay, when our pal John almost runs into a car in the road . . . he gets out and pushes the car? Is this scene supposed to be weird (if it is, ignore this), because is John's supposed to be acting 'normally', wouldn't he try to see if anyone's hurt? And he pushed the car into the woods? Wha-?

And this . . .
" MOTEL CLERK’S POV – The wallet looks normal, inside there is a picture of JONATHAN and his late brother MICHAEL, taken around 6 years ago.

MOTEL CLERK
(points at the picture)
May I ask who this is?

JONATHAN
Yeah, that’s me and my brother,
he died a month after I took this
picture."
That'll get groans. There are easier ways to show that his brother died. How about a flashback? Images? Sounds? John could just reply that that's him and his brother, something could pass through his eyes, and you could throw a little flashback in there. Wham-bam you're done. Easy as that.

Why is Jessica blond in the screenplay but redhead in the explanation?

Dialogue corrections (I'm sure it makes me look like an arogant ass to walk around changing dialogue, but these are just suggestions):
original:
" JONATHAN
(V.O.)
What if grandma doesn't
take me in her house?
(beat)
I wouldn't blame her really...
I haven't seen her or even
talked to her since it happened.
(beat)
It's been 6 years and I haven't
crossed a word with her. God!
She must feel extremely lonely.
I'm an asshole."

changed (melodramatic):
"JOHNATHAN
(V.O.)
She won't have me.
(beat.)
The door will open and she'll look
at me and that's when I'll see it in
her eyes
(beat)
That wide-eyed look a dog gives you after
you put your foot to it . . .
. . . the look of betrayal.
(beat)
And she'll be right. But she's also been abandoned . . .
. . . by her own grandson.
(beat)
No. She won't have me."

changed (realisitc):
"JOHNATHAN
(V.O)
She's not going to let me in.
She's not going to invite me into
her life after what I've done
(beat)
I abandoned her and she'll abandon
me.
(beat)
It's only fair, I guess."

changed (first cell conversation with jon/syl):

changed:
SYLVIA
Hello?

JONATHAN
Me again.

SYLVIA
What's up?

JONATHAN
Look, I'm too tired now, I'll just-

SYLVIA
What do you mean?

JONATHAN
What?

SYLVIA
You down decaf or something?

JOHNATHAN
(pause)
. . . oh, that. No there was some . . . car
trouble

SLYVIA
You gonna' be okay?

JOHNATHAN
Not with my car. Anyways, I'm
going to stay in Rainy Hills
tonight, I'll be there at nine
tomorrow.

A small silence.

SYLVIA
You in Rainy Hills now?

JONATHAN
Just outside.

(SYLVIA
Rainy Hills is not more than
5 minutes away.

JONATHAN
Really? I just passed a road
sign that said that Forest Meadow
was 90 miles away.
Is this a typo? Forest Meadow/Rainy Hills? What's going on?)

[X-Nightcrawler]

The opening dialogue'll be changed like you put it, much better. About the blinde/redhead, that only slipped my mind, she's a redhead (guess who I want to play her? I am obsessed!). Well, youah, you are right about the explanations, I will simple it down. I was doing my best to bite my tongue to come up with an explanation. Thanks for that.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-

(SYLVIA
Rainy Hills is not more than
5 minutes away.

JONATHAN
Really? I just passed a road
sign that said that Forest Meadow
was 90 miles away.
Is this a typo? Forest Meadow/Rainy Hills? What's going on?)

No, actually it's not...it's like Jonathan isn't too far away from his actual destination (Forest Meadow), where Sylvia is waiting for her but the town (Rainy Hills) makes the mile marker 'change' in order to forcibly pull him into Rainy Hills.

[spacemonkey]

Hey x, your screenplays are tight. I havent read all of them, but from what Ive seen youve got some talent there.

Ive written some short stories here and there but as of late Im really getting interested in the idea of actually writing a screenplay. Mainly because I see some of the movies beeing made today and a lot of times I feel like I could write something better any day of the week. :D

I like what your doing and urge to move forward in the whole screenplay writing thing. Who knows maybe one day well see one of your screenplays get made into a movie! :D

Im gonna give writing a screenplay a shot, see if I can actually pull it off. Ive been reading some books about screenplay writing and I find it all very fascinating, because I actually fee like I could write a descent horror flick.

In fact I was reading this article on Creative Screenwriting magazine on how to make horror "scary" again. It was preatty informative quoting directors like Eli Roth and Mike Mendez. Very informative maybe you should try checking it out.

[C-Desecration-]

I agree with spacemonkey on the whole 'tight' thing. Any tighter and your screenplays would snap . . .
. . . which isn't a good thing (uh-oh, here I go again . . .). You're all over the place, man. You got Hometown and Flatline, all of which are basically the same thing; you don't have enough that distinguishes them. Why not try to put them together and get something really unique?

As far as I'm concerned, X here's a twist whore.
Let me explain:
Take underworld. Okay, that's cool . . . well let's take that scenario, only what if . . ?
Take Silent Hill. That's cool, but what if . . ?

That's basically what X seems to be doing. Taking pre-existing ideas, then putting his own little spin on them. That isn't a bad thing, really, as there are plenty of people who'd be happy to churn out films like that. But especially if you're a screenwriter who hasn't got a single script made, something really original would do you good to get your name out the door.
Just a thought.

[spacemonkey]

Well you know C-des I agree with you there, but also most of the time when someone is just starting out theyll start out imitating some of their favorite artists or writers.

Like for example when I started drawing I would imitate Jim Lee, Erick Larsen and Mike Mignola. They are my influences artistically. Writing wise I think Ill say that Chuck Pahlaniuk and Stephen King are some of my influences. I also like Frank Herbert and Robert Heinlein. But among all that, Im working on creating a style and a voice off my own.

Im sure if x-nightcrawler keeps it up hell come up with something truly original that will make him famous and rich, I mean his allready doing some decent work! :D

[C-Desecration-]

I hear you. But there's a difference between imitating a style (writers/artists/filmakers), or imitating a plot. For instance, X might be checking out some screenplays of his fav screenwriters and whatnot, then try to imitate how they write and present images. Or if he ever directs something he'll probably look to some talented directors to try and help steer him towards his own camera-voice.

But he wouldn't, for instance, write a screenplay about death killing some kids because he liked whoever wrote final destination. That isn't copying/learning from style, it's copying/learning from content.

Style and content=not the same thing.

And hopefully this isn't too off topic, because it's still X's Screenplays.

[spacemonkey]

Yeah but either way hes learning the craft, Im sure after a while hell start doing non derivative material. Its just a process. What matters though, is that he is giving it his full attention, trying to learn how it all works and on the way, hopefully getting good at it.

Jeez this conversation and thread, are really pumping me up for writing my screenplay. :D

[X-Nightcrawler]

Heyy you guys...thanks for that.

Do you really think Flatline and Hometown are alike? I think they are not, Flatline is a HHOH-type horror thing with a twist in the end and Hometown is more like a very subtle, gentle almost non-gory confusefest...like Mulholland Drive.

About the 'Twist Whore' thoing....Hmm, I think you're right.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Let's play a game!!

It's..."CHOOSE AN ENDING" TIME!!!

Possible endings for: FINAL DESTINATION 3

-Ending 1: Life continues
The one you read, Kurt makes Kitty go behind him and they live a long and happy life.

-Ending 2: A premonition
After Bludworth dies, Kitty and Kurt walk out the house scared, only to get squashed by two buses, then Kurt WAKES UP in the roller coaster before the accident, thinks they can't cheat death and rides it, of course killing them all and letting fate go as it's supposed to.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Possible endings for: HOMETOWN.

-Ending 1: Stranded and alone with the dead
Jonathan and Douglas die, Jessica earns a chance to stay in the world, but is left alone in the quiet and very lonely transitioning plane. Very sad in my opinion.

-Ending 2: Back to the world
Jonathan and Douglas die, Jessica earns a chance to not cross a final gate and return to the normal plain of reality, where her life goes on.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Possible endings for: OATH

-Ending 1: A new recriut: Downfall of a leader
After the final battle, Kurt is hurt bad and as he returns to normal from his rampant level 5 transfoemation, he sees to his left Frank getting almost ripped, and as he is about to die, Kurt loses conciousness. Next morning in the temple, we see Kurt who opens her eyes, Ruby arrives and says: "We'll be all right", Kurt falls back asleep and Ruby walks crying over another man (who is he?) who is unconcious in a table, grabs a syringe of Lycanthrae and says "This is for you Frank" and injects the content on the unconcious unknown man.

-Ending 2: A new recriut: Downfall of a hero
After the final battle, Kurt is hurt bad and as he returns to normal from his rampant level 5 transfoemation, Kurt loses conciousness. Next morning in the temple, Ruby walks crying over who is unconcious in a table, grabs a syringe of Lycanthrae and says "This is for you Kurt" and injects the content.

-Ending 3: [i]The war isn't over
After the final battle, Kurt wakes up in the temple, Ruby kisses him, smiles and says: "We'll be allright...".


Please vote. :)

[C-Desecration-]

I gotta' point out a problem: we haven't read these. We don't know the plots. With something you're serious about getting made, I wouldn't put it's ending in the inept hands of schmoes (I mean me).

Don't even take this with a grain of salt--we don't know shit about the stories, so any attempt to 'choose' the better ending would be a toss-up at best.

With that said . . .

With Hometown, choice number 1 is the better. Audiences are accepting risky endings nowadays. Might as well cash in on the craze.

With Oath, don't leave it 'open'. With something so long it'd be a cheat to just have it end with a 'whatever'. You want epic you got it, but if you can't deliver, that'll be a problem. People need a big fight that ends something. You can't just end it and say "The battle rages on, but our heroes will keep fighting and not give up" That's a cheat.

[TheJadedGamer]

I've read your Final Destination 3 script, so I'll choose on that.

Being a fan, I'd rather go with ending #2. Some people would ask "What the fuck?", but let me explain something: I don't want this series to be franchised outside of part 3. Also, doing something along the lines of that twist would make it more suitable, but you might want to decide weither or not to show the roller coaster sequence again or not.

[X-Nightcrawler]

I wouldn't show it again, I'd do something like Kurt waking up violently, looking around, asking WTF to himself. KITTY: "What is it?" and sadly stay in the car KURT: "Nothing..." and then the car departs, fade to black, screams, the end.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
With Oath, don't leave it 'open'. With something so long it'd be a cheat to just have it end with a 'whatever'. You want epic you got it, but if you can't deliver, that'll be a problem. People need a big fight that ends something. You can't just end it and say "The battle rages on, but our heroes will keep fighting and not give up" That's a cheat.

God pounding good point, right here and now.
(You are my friend for eternity if you catch the referrence).

But what can it end? (I think I'm taking the Frank dies ending).

[C-Desecration-]

But what can it end? (I think I'm taking the Frank dies ending).

What can it end? Whatever the story is focusing on: what's the conflict? Werewolves/vampires--one has to win. I know how that sounds (cliche), but it's the only way to go. Now you can take that victory and twist it into a horrible, sad, memorable conclusion (kill off characters, attach twists, etc) for sure, so it doesn't have to be stale. Frank dying - from my undersanding - isn't an 'end', it's just killing off a character. Yawn. I've seen it. Move on.

Imagine an epic fantasty movie (maybe Lord of the Rings), where at the fianle of three+ plus the 'good' and 'bad' guys battle. At the very end, it seems as if the good guys emerge victorious . . . but before the credits come it shows that the bad guys are still alive.
What the fuck?
That's a cheat. Everything the audience has invested in IS IGNORED. That's like having a 'continued' episode of a television show, only there's no continuation. I know you have a sequel worked out, but that's a bad idea. This movie shouldn't have to rely on a sequel to wrap up the story; in all likelihood there wouldn't be a sequel.

Do you get what I'm saying?

God pounding good point, right here and now.


. . .
. . .
. . .
. . . lay off the booze, X

[X-Nightcrawler]

OK "Oath" is finished and I really loved writting _THE_END_. However, I haven't cut it yet and it's 186 pages long (I wnet with the 'Frank dies' and vampyres get wiped off the map ending btw, Sophocles script creator reads "2 Hrs 43 Mins" for running time). Now, I will ask the agency that is interested if I should cut it up or leave it that way. May their will be done.

Now that Oath might get picked up, I have start writing the BS (my word for the plot/characters/events/demises/etc sheet) on "Oath 2: Rise of new Blood" (which's plot looks better than the first). However, I'm not writting the script yet. For now, I will focus o "Flatline" and "Hometown"'s polishing progress, then finish up "Heartbeat" (Formerly "Flatline II" which was erased) and when that's done, I will start one roughly called "Spiral" (more twist-whore shit)...and why not? If I can next year, do the BS and draft for "Oath 3: Cycle of the Moon" (yes, I adored "Oath").

Ok schmoes, wish me good luck.

[X-Nightcrawler]

"Spiral" is gone. Forget it. Kablam! Bitch went down. Now, X is at it again with something called "Inside" and it's alternate story cousin called "Outside". More mindfuck for my brains:

Let's concentrate on "Inside" for now.

Plot: A small family driving to [INSERT DESTINATION HERE] has a small accident and must spend the night at a hotel. Your everday hotel, people walk in and walk out, receptionists smile at you and you get courtesy mint in your pillow. Strange things start when they see that the closet door leads to a dark hallway, strange enough. One of them, Mike enters, dissapears in the dark and exits, "It's strange...there's nothing inside". They notice that having that hallway makes no sence because the closet door is against a wall where the building SHOULD finish. When the car hasn't been fixed, they stay another night, they hear Mike's screams coming from the closet hallway which makes no sense because Mike's sleeping in his room. Thinking Mike is still in the dark hallway , Mike's brother, Ed decides to walk inside, and we follow.

What can be happening? Some twists ensue.


While "Inside" tells the story half inside and half outside the hallway, "Outside" (anther script) tells the story of what's happening from the other side of the hallway, INSIDE. Ok, I don't think you're getting this, you'll have to read it.

Movies melded to get these:
-Identity
-Donnie Darko
-Novel "House of Leaves"
-Hellraiser 2
-X's own warped mind

Oh, and there's no hell involved in this one.

[C-Desecration-]

Plot: A small family driving to [INSERT DESTINATION HERE] has a small accident and must spend the night at a hotel. Your everday hotel, people walk in and walk out, receptionists smile at you and you get courtesy mint in your pillow. Strange things start when they see that the closet door leads to a dark hallway, strange enough. One of them, Mike enters, dissapears in the dark and exits, "It's strange...there's nothing inside". They notice that having that hallway makes no sence because the closet door is against a wall where the building SHOULD finish. When the car hasn't been fixed, they stay another night, they hear Mike's screams coming from the closet hallway which makes no sense because Mike's sleeping in his room. Thinking Mike is still in the dark hallway , Mike's brother, Ed decides to walk inside, and we follow.


ACH! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! The vast majority of your stories are the same! Now hold up, put that gun down; what I mean is there's nothing that really distinguishes them all. They're all basically short-stories. Oooh, some weird thing is happening, is it (a) alternate dimension, (b) a mental unbalance, or (c) the land of the dead? You just pick out things and throw together abc, bca, cba acb, and put a story together like that. Not a single character seems to stand out, nor do the situations. Wierd shit's all right and all, but you have to have something intruiging that backs it. Weird shit is easy to come up with. Really. Snap my fingers and there I go: Meet Mr. X. Mr X goes to a town and stays in a hotel (the premise for 50% of your stories). But weird things are happening. In fact, the hotel managers looks just like the grocer . . . who looks just like the doorman . . . who looks just like that guy across the street . . . who looks just like Mr. X.

That took me literally twenty seconds. That's 'weird', but there's nothing that really sets it apart.



I really, REALLY reccomend putting them all together into something that's original. You can do that. Since you're a twist-whore (sorry) eventually you will have come up with enough new stuff to put together something that isn't taken from anything! Gasp! Good lord! Yes, it's true.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
what I mean is there's nothing that really distinguishes them all.
I disagree.

When coming to "Hometown", "Oath", "Flatline", "Inside". I think they are ttally, TOTALLY different. Yes, probably the setup may be alike (in some) BUT the entire story/scares/explaining/tone are totally different things in these. "Heartbeat"/"Flatline" and "Inside"/"Outiside" are alike because they are supposed to be part of the same thing/series. but coming to the rest, they are all different. I mean, once you read them, you'll see how different they really are.

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
I really, REALLY reccomend putting them all together into something that's original. You can do that.
I don't think I will do that ever. I like the stories on their own two feet.


Originally posted by C-Desecration-
Meet Mr. X. Mr X goes to a town and stays in a hotel (the premise for 50% of your stories
I agree. Will have to do a little setup change for "Inside".


Originally posted by C-Desecration-
Since you're a twist-whore (sorry) eventually you will have come up with enough new stuff to put together something that isn't taken from anything! Gasp! Good lord! Yes, it's true.
Yep, you are absolutely right, but until the idea comes, I'll have to stick with twist-whorin'.


Thanks 4 the advice.

[X-Nightcrawler]

EDIT! Must Clean House Here.

[C-Desecration-]

Niiiiiiice.

Gripe number one: I'm not sure that you aren't already doing this (but the mention that seth and steven dressed after changing says you aren't), so hopefully I'm not wasting my breath . . . or my, um, words . . . anyways, why not just have the robes loose enough so that the level 1/2 whatever change won't tear them. It seems like a bother for the lycans if they have to dress every time they go out of wolf form, especially in the heat of battle. This would only add a few slices of 'woah!' to the dish at the end when Steven transforms into a wolf large enought to cut through the robe.
Plus, werewolves in slick black robes would be a new, exciting thing for an audience to see.

Second Gripe: What is a 'sheesus'? For whatever reason I thought it was cute and gave the Dawn character a little quirk, but it was probably a typo.

Third Gripe: . . . huh. I can't think of anymore.
I'll be damned.
Since it wouldn't be a good idea to post the whole thing (especially if it'll get picked up), could you at least put down a few more scenes?

Aha! I found another gripe (run!): the dialogue. For whatever reason ominous black robes and 'dude' just clash. I kept trying to get into the wolves as these mysterious fighters, but it was tough when they'd keep screaming "Shit! Dude! Motherfuckin' hell-jesus-christ-sheesus-motha!"
That last bits just an observation, nothing to take to heart. After all, I know jack about these characters except what I read in the little blurb.

A promising start. And no, I don't see any Underworld (although I haven't seen the movie yet . . .). Make sure to keep this HAX thing away from nazis; that type of stuff mixed with lycanthropy has been done to death.

[X-Nightcrawler]

What!? Wait... *rubs eyes* No! C actually LIKED this! Yay...I'm hrowing a party, everyone's invited!

Oh, yeah, I think I'll do what you mentioned on the robes. 'Sheesus' isn't a typo, it's a mix between 'shit' and 'Jesus', I also used this in Hometown...I mean, Omega.

Thanks for the props, I'm excited already.

[X-Nightcrawler]

About this Oath universe thing: Let me expand.

They are not a series, it's more like a seven piece jigsaw puzzle, one film of these, complements the other. Kinda like Matrix, like if you see Matrix 1, 2, 3, Animatrix, Enter The Matrix, etc...you get the idea of the Matrix entirely...this is what I'm trying to do. The entire thing is called 'Book Of Luna' (although you only see the actual book in 'Darkside') and it's divided in four blocks:

-Block I: 'Origin'
Screenplays:
::"Lycanthrope:Origin"
Time: 1233.
Plot: It's about the origin of the lycanthropes, it takes place in the dark ages (I hope I have the date right) and is about a man who is turned into a lycanthrope-ish himself (one mentioned in Oath), he has a vengeful heart an is set to kill the killers of his family (some knights) but it goes out of control. After killing a friend, he sets off to another place and lives alone, only to create a small society with a man he bit, and didn't die (I know this doesn't fit the rest of my lycans but work with me, that is answered in other screenplay). There are some vampyres mentioned but not appearing.

-Block II: 'Battle'
Screenplays:
::"Clash: Before And After"
Time: 1890/1942.
Plot: It's told in two spans of time (see above), in one: Vampyres and Lycanthropes still live in peace, the other tells you why the fight started.

-Block III: 'Oath'
-Screenplays:
::"Oath: Battle Within"
Time: 2004.
Plot: It is the story about Kurt Leander who is driven to a secret society of lycanthropes and a fight with their enemies, the Vampyres. This is the one you heard.
::"Oath 2: Rise Of New Blood"
Time: 2004/2005
Plot: After the vampyres where wiped out from the earth, the new recriut, Mark (Frank's) suddenly changes in attitude. We see how a new breed known as the 'Retro-Vampyres' (more powerful, these can even levitate) are being bred underground. Why is this happening?
::"Oath 3: Cycle Of The Moon"
Time: 2005
Plot: The lycanthropes and the retro-vampyres aren't dead, they start the final battle for supremacy. Who will win?
::"Oath: The Generation Before"
Time: 2003
Plot: Prequel to "Oath", telling Ralph's story as a lycanthrope, all the way to his death under the hands of the vamps.

Block IV: 'Darkside'
Screenplays:
::"Darkside"
Time: 2015
Plot: Read above posts for information.

-----------------------------------------

The thing is that, watching all films would answer a lot of questions but what I did is that, you can watch any film (except Oath 2 and Oath 3) on it's own two feet, without any previews film having been watched. Like for exapmple, if you see Oath, Then Darkside, you'd go..."Hey! What happened to Kurt?" Then, you watch Oath 2 and Oath 3 and all done. "Hey! What happened to level 5? Why isn't there any level 5 anymore?" Then you'd watch Oath 3 and all set. "Hey, what's that temple they visit in Darkside?" See Oath 1 and all done. "Hey, why did the fight start?" See "Clash" and you'll know.

See, what I want is a series where the lycanthrope bloodline is told in seven films. All reveal facts the others ELUDED without falling on 'it doesn't make any sense' (because, as I said before, you can watch them in any order you want since technically, it isn't a series). I hope you work with me.

[C-Desecration-]

I know you aren't really looking for my flawless, expert, divine advice (I know, I'm modest), but here's my take . . .

EDIT: I just saw the fact that these will ellude the 'doesn't make any sense' shit since they aren't a series, so any comment I make in the first paragraph pretaining to that just ignore (although it can still somewhat apply . . . I'll explain later).

I hate these ridiculous "sagas" or movies that are planned for a trilogy from the beginning. One of the talents of writing in general is not only bringing about mysteries (and that's what it's all about; mysterious: why is this character this way, why does this character do this, why did that happen, what's wrong, why's he turning into a werewolf, etc.) but solving them without going on and on and on and on and on also takes skill. What you're doing, X, is somewhat lazy. The matrix movies for example . . . which is the best? The original, obviously, and one of the reasons is that while the story has someplace to go there aren't thousands of unanswered questions. Everything wrapped up nicely, and that's tough to do; on the flipside, anyone can tell a compelling, intricate stroy with fifty bazillion hours. Not being able to get the full impact of a work unless you read the comics, check out the books, download the mini-series, play the videogame, get the action figures, buy the posters, understand the legend, and watch twenty fucking movies is absolutely insane. Not only does it diminish the movies themselves (whatever happened to a movie being A MOVIE, an individual piece or work?) but it really fucks up the audience. Oh, and it's a cheat (and that's if the audience cares for said movie). Having to get everything to 'understand' to fill in all the kinks is stupid stupid STUPID! It's pointless, too.
Does part 1 have some cool scenes? Does Part two have some wicked characters? Part 3 have an awesome twist? Part 4? Part 5? Part 6? Part 7? 8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-17? Part eight-bloody-teen? Well, put it all into one movie so instead of stringing the audience along a bunch of subpar, "i'll ask the question but not supply the answer" you'll have a flick that's actually good.
God . . . I really hate this trend. Lord of the Rings was all right, mainly because of the books (and novels do this too, and I don't like it there either), and also the story would be difficult to tell so quickly.

All that above isn't directed at your stories in particular, X. Just the general shit of these 'continuations'. This, however, is:
Don't flatter yourself.
That's my best advice. Let me say it again: don't flatter yourself. You're story - or concept- is not deep. It isn't worthy of four chapters. The Dark Tower series by Stephen King? THAT is. Mainly because of its content. But not this.
You want some lycan shit in the dark ages? Make a prologue and manage to twist everything you want there into a short ten-minute scene. Still have some stuff to do with the Kurt character? Well do it in one movie. Want to show the downfall/rebirth of vamps? Again: one movie. Want a future flick? Uh, why? If you're commited to this then, again, put it in one fucking movie. I'd definitly pay to see a lycan film that had a lot of characters and ran through three times periods (dark age/present/future); how cool would that be? Not only does it flow better, but you won't wear out your welcome.

And don't take this the wrong way. I like the story. I'm just saying all this stuff because - in all honesty - what you have above is just so far-reaching and pointless. Until you have a deal LOCKED, the movie gross sitting in your lap, and the studio requests another you shouldn't even BEGIN TO THINK ABOUT THIS! That's the writer's equivilent of a puppu piddling on the carpet; you whack him (well, no, I mean, come on: puppy's are so cute . . . but it fits with the comparison, so stick with it) and tell him No.
*whacks X*
No.
Stop thinking ahead with this universe.

I'm not trying to be pushy or disgruntled (that comes naturally), but really man . . . look what you're doing. It makes no sense. While I like everything to do with this universe, nothing I've seen (two parts of Oath and the beginning of Darkside) is very different. They are the same. Thus they can be in one movie if you really wantto.

You're a writer. Anything you like about darkside or oath or oath 2 or origin you CAN put into one movie; sit down and think about it for a few minutes. And don't go thinking that since there are three time periods and lots of different characters that you can't. For instance, if there is even A SINGLE character that is flimsy of two-dimensional in one film, well, bring in someone from another! You can get all your characters, plots, etc. into a single movie. Really.
Just don't get ahead of yourself with this.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Well, you're probably right (and on time since I have done very little). What is still stricking me is that...well, how to put it, I cannot put this entire thing into one script (The first Oath alone needed 60 pages off, go figure) so this is what I'm going to do:

I'm gonna finish Darkside and that's it. If you watched both movies, you wouldn't really find a relation so it's like two completely independent scripts. If Xx studio likes it/them and wants a sequel, I might go for Oath 2 but the truth is that you're right, I don't need most of these scripts to tell the story (I dont need Origin, Clash, Oath prequel and sequels). You can watch both Darkside and Oath and have no unanswered questions. The only purpose the other five had to expand the Oath experience.

Anyway, you're right, I rather not waste my time with seven thousand other scripts, which are cokmpletely uneeded.

----

Oh, by the way, what do you know about The Dark Tower, I started reading the first book two days ago and I'm liking it. Are the rest better/worth reading? (take in account that I adored The Talisman/Black House.

[C-Desecration-]

All I'm saying is if you want to continue scripting things . . . do other stories! Because if something happens with oath not getting made or flopping at the BO and on DVD/video you'll be stuck with about three worthless scripts.


what do you know about The Dark Tower, I started reading the first book two days ago and I'm liking it. Are the rest better/worth reading? (take in account that I adored The Talisman/Black House.

I read the first a loooong time ago. I just started to re-read through a few because when I read them I was obviously younger, and don't think I got everything. So for the hell of it I checked them out.
I dunno about the first . . . haven't looked through it again. The second is great, really imaginative (great plotting), the third was really silly (bad writing - a few scenes I had no clue what was going on -, no imagination, cliches up the whazoo, etc.) but it was still a nice, fast read (the raping ghost was VERY cool . . . well, not cool, but you know), and the fourth looks to be great. I'm reading it right now.
Blaine's a pain.
You'll get that later.

. . . sorry for goin' off topic for the three-hundredth time.

[X-Nightcrawler]

I liked how the first ended Im currently reading part II and Im ordering 'House Of Leaves' tonight.
----------------------

Ok, what's the worst thing that could have happened to me? My laptop bombed and I LOST ALL MY FUCKING WORK!!!!!!! .

Yes, novels (one I had had very nice reviews about (not the one you read, C), ALL my scripts, fucking everything.

I seriously don't know what Im going to do. The only script I could save was Oath and because I had lent it to a friend one day before...

[TheJadedGamer]

OHH!! Damn, that's happened to me before, X, and thats half the reason I don't get scripts done is because my computer fries. Try to go around this forum and pick up any scraps of your screenplays you can.

One word: floppies. Make friends with them. Trust me, they are a lifesaver.

[C-Desecration-]

One word: floppies. Make friends with them. Trust me, they are a lifesaver.


YES. Every time I save any kind of novel deal I also save it to a floppy. This happened to me too, although it was just one document that fried (some kind of interenal prob, I dunno).
What'll be interesting is when - and if - you try to rewrite your lost scripts and you see how much better you're making them.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
you try to rewrite your lost scripts and you see how much better you're making them. God pounding good point right here and now. (Ok, another chance to get the quote, shcmoes, the key for my heart is at stake).

[C-Desecration-]

Now's your chance, ladies! This is the moment you've been waiting for!

Get back, x . . . here they come . . .


Now that my humor's done (the stuff's like massaging your back with a cheese grater, huh?) I want to remind x to keep the schmoes updated on the Oath screenplay.
I'm not sure if you decided to hold off until you got a better script, or pitch or ideas, or what.

[slasherfan]

Man I've written 3 screenplays at this point but two embaressed to even discribe them on boards :(
I do like xes though!

[X-Nightcrawler]

Oh, Oath is very, very finished. I have yet to copyright it but when I do, Ill post it here.

If anyone has any questions on the script, as who dies, who lives, whats the ending, etc... ask me, I'll answer.

Oh thanks slasherfan, why don't you post them, I want to read ethem. Can you at least put on the plots, etc...?

[slasherfan]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler


Oh thanks slasherfan, why don't you post them, I want to read ethem. Can you at least put on the plots, etc...?
Embarresment factor. Also have producers interested in one of them, I doubt they'd like it if I posted it online.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by slasherfan
Embarresment factor. Also have producers interested in one of them, I doubt they'd like it if I posted it online. Good point.

[C-Desecration-]

The following is a script review of Oath that is really not a review of the script (which is really badly written . . . I got a headache trying to follow it) but rather the things I know about, like plot, pace, characters, what have you. I admit to knowing zero about the mechanics of scripting, so let’s just get to the nitty-gritty . . .
Oh, and X, put on a cup, shoulder pads . . . maybe a neck brace. I’m going to tear Oath to shreds . . .
Yes folks, I didn’t like it.

Oath wants to be the Braveheart of werewolf movies. It wants to be the anti-thesis to Hollywood supernatural films. In one of the many cringe-worthy dialogue scenes, a lycanthrope entombs the ins and outs of its race: ". . . they are not ‘Hollywood’ at all, forget all the things you learned about Lycanthropes and Vampyres in movies or books." As the story unfolds that statement becomes more and more comical. We have everything you’d expect: evil vampires who dress in black and live in a mansion called (get this) Carfax, characters who’re thinner than toilet paper, emotions that are as flat as Calista Flockheart’s chest, an epic ‘battle’ at the end that comes out of nowhere . . .
It gets worse, too.
For those who’ve seen Underworld, imagine a poorly made fan-script called Underworld 2; that’s Oath. Take out everything good from Underworld (the interesting backgrounds on everyone, the vampire elders, Selene, etc. . . . and any character development or coherent plot points) and you have a pretty good idea of what this is.

Oath details the story of Kurt, a typical teen (in fact, he even points this out . . . and no, I’m not making that up) and the people surrounding him. The gist is that, for a reason we are never told, Kurt had been injected with lyncanthrea (did I spell that right?), which is basically a werewolf virus. So now he’s got to deal with it. Oh, and he also find himself in the middle of - say it with me - a conflict that’s been raging for a long, long time: there’s a ‘good’ side - werewolves -) and a ‘bad’ side - vampires. There are absolutely no exceptions. The wolves are all saints and the vamps are all sneering, nail-clicking evil dudes with one small, small exception in the form of Craig, who’s shown crying . . . but since that’s scene is never referenced again I’ll ignore it. So obviously Kurt goes with the good side and the rest plays out like you’d expect: there’s a bad-girl that gets kidnapped, a rescue mission that’s ripped straight from the book of cliches, yadda yadda yadda. Oh, and by the end the vamps decide to tell the lycans (yes, I said TELL THEM) that they want to have some big school-yard battle and conviently end the lycan/vamp war for good (I know, I know . . . it’s actually worse than it sounds. The horror . . .).

Kurt is a character we both don’t care for and are bored by. Apparently the writer based this off himself, which is the problem right there: he doesn’t bother to give himself any faults or any virtues because he is essentially living out some fan-boy fantasy of being in a werewolf/vampire movie. Kurt is the reluctant hero. That’s it. That’s as far as it goes. His friends are even less interesting, and basically put in there to fabricate emotions ("Oh why did my best friend get turned into a vampire!" "Oh why does everyone close to be get killed!" etc.). The lycan pack are actually minutely detailed, namely Louis and . . . well, I suppose Adam. The two mentioned are only given that extra ‘omph!’ in the character department by cheap, one-sided personas: Louis acts as a big brother to Kurt, while Adam, in a twist that makes little sense, is revealed to have once been a vampire . . . because, I’m assuming, the movie just needs another turn to confused us even further. And no, there is never any explanation as to how a vamp could revert to a lycan. Nor is there any repercutions to that event, no reason, in fact, to even have it in there. The typical mentor figure, Frank, is no surprise either, while the wise, ‘old’ lycan (he’s only 56!!) Ed is neither wise nor old. The vampire front has almost painfully cliched characters, all of which are given evil-sounding names, ‘cause apparently their black attire, sneers, and cackles aren’t enough to tip the audience off as to their intentions. We have Olelak, who’s apparently the leader. Uh . . . he has henchman . . . all with more silly names . . . *yawn*.

Now we get to the problems (oh boy . . .):
Let’s put aside the fact that this is a gimmicky film with the brains of a disoriented weasel for a moment and look at what could’ve been some ‘good’ things. As mentioned above, these werewolves aren’t your typical Hollywood fare! Sure they morph into hairy beasts and claw and bite . . . but . . . uh . . . they have levels of transformation! Yeah! So see, they’re original. :rolleyes: These levels are never explained or even adequately reasoned, they just appear to give the movie an excuse to try and put on its epic face. Also, there are nifty booby traps at the lycan headquarters (a place in the woods) that . . . well, that aren’t realistically conveyed, but what the hell, right? Blades shooting up from the ground looks so cool! Not only that, but these traps are only triggered by non-werewolves. That’s right. How, you ask? I dunno. But the lycans say so, so don’t ask questions.
Here’s some more problems to drive the needle deeper (sorry X): Monica, a friend of Kurt, has a cabin in the woods. This cabin evidently comes from the future: it has a maid and a backyard porch that looks to’ve been ripped from some haughty England estate. Oh, and Kurt is urged to go to this cabin AFTER HE’S BEEN ATTACKED TWO TIMES BY VAMPIRES! Why? Because our genius lycans assumed that “gee, it should be fine”. Or how about mysterious lycan girl Ruby that wields a bad-ass sword capable of cutting vamps in half . . . but who never used the sword except for her introduction scene. Why? You guessed it: because the movie throws it in to get one good "hey, isn't that cool looking?" scene. Oh, we also have the standard “hot chick gets captured and the hero saves her”, complete with the henchmen hitting the girl for smarting off at the mouth and the evil vampire overlord cackling. Lord, kill me now . . .
Is there more? Of course. Throughout the whole movie we are forced to believe that although these lycans have been battling the vampires for an undisclosed amount of time they’re still pretty clueless as to how to go about doing things.

There's some good in here that actually plays out well. We have a rather light-hearted, endearing joke that plays off “werewolf” and “lycan”. See, the wolves like to be called lycans, and Kurt keeps calling them werewolves . . . I know it sounds stupid, but played out it becomes a rather humorous joke. Of course, it’s good, so it vanishes from sight soon enough. Also, there is an intriguing idea that lycans “pick” their successors. Again, since this is good, it needs to find the door before it actually makes the movie interesting. But don’t worry: it disappears within seconds and is never heard from again.

Is this one of those movies that has untapped potential? A movie that can be fashioned into what it intends to be (an end-all werewolf epic)?
No. This can only be salvaged by so much rewriting that it isn’t worth the trouble. We’ve seen this all before, and better. If this indeed going to be series, I imagine it something like a cancer. . . kill it before it spreads. Stomp this universe flat, X, it isn’t interesting.

Awful characters, grating dialogue (I love how the lycans trash-talk the vamps right before the last battle . . . it reminds me of six year-olds calling each other bugger-heads in the playground), boring action scenes (vamps come, wolves bite, vamps come, wolves bite, vamps come, wolves bite . . . wolf storms mansion . . . wolf bites, wolf claws, vamps dies. Rinse and repeat), pacing that could disorient an epileptic, a plot that . . . and a plot that isn’t so much intriguing as it is an exercise in cliches and redundancy.
For obvious reasons I won't bother rating this. I'm sure you ge the idea.

I have plenty of suggestions, but none of which would help this train-wreck. And even if it would, telling them wouldn't be my intention: I want this to die. I want X to lose interest in this fan-boy universe and move on to things that might actually get picked up.

[C-Desecration-]

And sorry for the bashing . . .

[X-Nightcrawler]

Oh...kay... Those have to be the most difficult to read paragraphs in my life, since I spent more hours on this than you can imagine. BUT, I will have to admit you have the biggest points you've put on my scripts to date and you are right about mostly everything.
Reading that DID hurt but it's ok...that's what I asked from you to do. I guess I'm throwing that script to the "X's small box of shattered dreams" along with "Darkside" and the horrid novelized version. I had fun imagining it and writing it but it's hard to do and I really don't want to invest more time to it. And even if it got picked up, I wouldn't want to read critiques like the one above about the first movie produced I wrote...I'll stick to the other ones I have...

[C-Desecration-]

Again, sorry for the bashing.

Your making me feel bad . . .
. . .
. . . *sob*

But hey, don't take it to heart. I knew from the start that this smelled of a fan-boy script. And that's true, isn't it? This was essentially a little fantasy you worked out for yourself? Like you said you had all your friends, Katherine Isabelle (heh) and whatnot worked in there . . .
So it's good you this out of your system.

[X-Nightcrawler]

You don't need to feel bad, I'm glad you pointed out this was a mess, because it is and I needed someone (who isn't me) to tell me exactly how was it. It did surprise me because I liked the story (because It's a dream/fantasy for me, why wouldn't I?) and I do think you could've said it in a way that doesn't make you sound like you're actually pissed at me but It's ok. Writing this was fun, I know I liked it and I'm glad I wrote it. Again, It's ok and thanks, it's not your fault my story sucked.

What bothers me is the possibility that my other scripts (the mindfuck ones) end up being a mess like Oath...that would really make me snap...really...maybe I should stop writting for a while and actually take screenwritting lessons.

[C-Desecration-]

maybe I should stop writting for a while and actually take screenwritting lessons.

NO! Don't revaluate yourself because of what some avatar (me) told you on the internet.
And the problem with oath was the STORY. Sure the writing wouldn't have been accepted, but that can easily be fixed. Fuck, schmoes in the screenwriting forum will do it for you! Don't sweat that: if the characters, pacing, and general plot were really great I wouldn't have complained so much.

Don't take a class. Read. Read. Read. Watch television. Study how things play out (I've done that unconsciously since probably the age of 8). Check out movies and pay attention to how everyone relates.
It's easy to get carried away when you're writing a 'fantasy' of sorts like Oath.
'Sides, practice makes perfect, not some joker telling you how to write (like me or some screenwriting prof).

[X-Nightcrawler]

I don't know about that but I dont *want* to fix Oath, I don't want it to be produced.

[X-Nightcrawler]

EDIT! Must Clean House Here.

[C-Desecration-]

I don't know about that but I dont *want* to fix Oath, I don't want it to be produced.


Well we agree there. I don't want you to fix Oath or produce it.

It's an interesting thing you mentioned about the pesonal attacks, for it makes me wonder what many screenwriters/directors feel when reading negetive reviews. Many times they are mentioned by names and thusly ridiculed. And whether they deserve it or not that's gotta' hurt.
Regardless, I think it's invaluable to have someone (whether it be a friend, lover, parental figure, anonymous schmoe) that will openly criticise your work. Its sometimes difficult to find that with people you see in real life, because (depending on the person) they might try to work around their true feelings so they don't hurt yours'. I have no doubt that just realizing what was wrong with Oath will improve your next script (which you will write . . . yes, I'm forcing you to keep writing *puts gun to X's head*).

. . .
. . . and hopefully I haven't ruined your weekend ;)





EDIT!!!!
Wait!
That future part of some other script that I read (it was a sequel to oath, I believe) I did like. I think it was the beginning. Had wolves in robes and some character named Dawn.
So maybe . . .

[X-Nightcrawler]

EDIT! Must Clean House Here.

[X-Nightcrawler]

EDIT! Must Clean House Here.

EDIT! on't know why I typed that.

[C-Desecration-]

Wait!
That future part of some other script that I read (it was a sequel to oath, I believe) I did like. I think it was the beginning. Had wolves in robes and some character named Dawn.
So maybe . . .

Yeah . . . scratch that. Sorry, I was just trying to push you out of some funk.
That's against my nature (online that is . . . in real life I'm a nice guy . . . really . . .). So don't bother. I won't read any other Oath scripts, something I'm sure you'll love. I believe that this particular genre is too close to your heart for you to do. Sound weird? It is, but it happens. I think werewolf/vampire battles tend to excite you and get you carried away, which might work for a fan script, but not pro stuff.

So I retract my statement.
And in all honesty, no matter how much I grilled your work, you really need to grow a spine. I can understand immediate dissapointments and whatnot but if, say, what I posted depressesd you for days on end (unlikely, but I felt this needed saying) . . . jeese, get over it. Melodrama is looked down upon for a reason. You need to learn to take criticism no matter how bad, or unfounded it is. You could write something amazing and someone, somewhere, will hate it.
Shrug off the review, do whatever you want with oath, and keep working.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
what I posted depressesd you for days on end Nah, it didn't, it just...shocked me.

Oh, and the other wolf script you mentioned is "Darkside", not going to continue that, it was going worse than Oath IMO, go figure.

[C-Desecration-]

I have plenty of suggestions, but none of which would help this train-wreck. And even if it would, telling them wouldn't be my intention: I want this to die. I want X to lose interest in this fan-boy universe and move on to things that might actually get picked up.

. . .
. . .
. . . you're lucky, X.
*cue Mission Impossible theme*
I've decided to tell you some suggestions that can easily make Oath a classic (if it's executed correctly) in terms both story, characters, etc.. But if word got out on certain techniques, namely this fairly simple way to mind interesting, dimensional, unforgettable characters, a bunch of would-be screenwriters will probably give it a go and . . . well, I'd prefer to keep this contained.

I'll PM you.
And this post with self-destruct in five seconds.

[X-Nightcrawler]

*can't wait*

Ok, I had a night to think, If this is the end of Oath, it's ok. But if your suggestions come in GOOD and they help the messy mess this turned out to be, you'll be my new hero. :)
...
Because we both know I still love the story. :D

[X-Nightcrawler]

Oh, and please empty you inbox.

[C-Desecration-]

EDIT: nevermind . . . I got it

[X-Nightcrawler]

I think you just need to delete your inbox and message traking thing...but I'm not sure, I don't remember how I emptioed it last time.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Now that Omega is finished (guess, C liked it!), I noticed there's no cover for it so I whiped out one...what do you think?

[C-Desecration-]

All right, this needs an update.


And once you get Numen protected, X, post some info. I'm interested to see what other schmoes think about it. In case anyone's wondering this is a FANTASTIC idea (could be turned into a bad script is the execution's off though) and is pretty much the Interview with the Vampire of werewolf movies in terms of reinvention . . .
Hell, the concept's better than anything Anne Rice could ever come up with (never cared much for her stuff anyways, though).

[X-Nightcrawler]

It is protected.

It is the story of a werewolf that has to travel to another 'dimension' (to use a word, it's explained further in the script) in order to save his significant other from a horrible fate. In Numen (this other world), he faces some obstacles and meets others that put on the test his love and determination to go on with this 'quest'.

I'll detail further later but that's the initial concept.

[C-Desecration-]

I'll continue . . .


Or elaborate.
The plot involves the fact that werewolves are "bound" to their victims. When the victim is killed, their 'spirits/beings/whatever.' are sent to an ethereal land called Numen.
In Numen there are two entities: X and Y.
The wolf sends part of itself to Numen in order to lead the victim to either of these entities. One is good (X) while the other is bad (Y). The good saves the victims (you could think of it as 'heaven') while the bad damns them (hell).
However, whichever entity the wolf chooses to take its victim to, the opposing one will chase after them. So if the wolf leads the victim to X (good), Y (evil) will pursue them until either it or X triumphs.

It's actually pretty simple: a wolf must lead its victim to salvation or damnnation.

[Pestilence]

That sounds pretty damn cool to me.

It actually just occurred to me while reading it, that the story could go in so many directions. I mean, you could have it a serious, brooding pic full of menace, or you could turn it into a buddy pic. Think about it....this werewolf guy has to lead his latest victim (Chris Tucker as an arrogant, motor-mouthed gangbanger) through Numen as he feels guilty for the people he kills, but Tucker's "oh-so-funny" mouthing skills lead him to question WHO he wants to lead this one to....X or Y?