My very first screenplay - HELLO AND GOODBYE (I could use some help)

[C-Desecration-]

Now, I actually just got a deal (not 100%, but a basic shoo-in; I sent off three chapters in manupscript, they loved it, so as long as I don't fuck up the rest of the story . . .) to publish a novel I have been working on, Hello and Goodbye. So what's next? Well, I've always wanted to try out a screenplay, but the odds of getting it made (especially at my age) seemed a little slim. But I just decided to throw caution to the wind.
This is a screenplay for the novel, and I need some help on the basics. Am I even using the right words (CUT TO, you know, screenplay lingo), the right headings, what have you. I just whipped it up this afternoon, so anything would be helpful.

And, of course, comments on if it sucks/rocks.

I will post a summary, but I'm heading out in, like, five seconds, so I'll be sure to do that either later tonight or tomorrow morning.


NOTE: There are some spelling errors and/or over-used words (how surprising to the surprising surprises) . . . I whipped it up too quick. I'll fix them later.
FURTHER NOTE: and, obviously, this is the very beginning (not completed at all).

[X-Nightcrawler]

About fucking time you wrote a script!!! but i'll have to know what the novel is about before telling you about your script's plot.

Screenwriting is mostly on style so you could say yours is very ok, just: I'd suggest you do it in Word, use 'Courier New' font and size '12'. This is an average 1 minute per page so you can do a 100 - 110 page script and the time would be ok.

The things I suggest is:

1. Use '-' or '- -' in things like:

CLOSE ON A TUFT OF THICK MIST
as:
CLOSE ON - - A TUFT OF THICK MIST

These are called 'Shots' and you have:

ANGLE ON --
EXTREME CLOSE UP --
PAN TO --
FRANKIE'S POV --
REVERSE ANGLE --

Have fun with them.

2. Use scene headings (a.k.a. 'Sluglines') (INT. - PORN SHOP - NIGHT) only with drastic location change.

You used:

[INT. THE BATHROOM 1]

When you could have used We pan to...

Without using another scene heading.

3. There are several types of Scene transitions:

CUT TO:
DISSOLVE TO:
SMASH CUT:
QUICK CUT:
FADE TO:
FADE OUT. (The end of the script)

Be creative.

4. Your:

(V.O.)
(the sound of laughter)


Is not dialogue, hence it's misplaced. You can use b.g. (background) or f.g. (foreground) Or the good 'ol Action statement: The bloodcurdling look in his face pierces us, as random scattered laughter fills our ears
--------------------------------------------------------------------

it's awesome and i am glad you decieded to do a script, you have HUGE talent on writing and I'll be the first to read this when you are done. the best of luck!! Tell me if you need any more screenwriting advice.

[C-Desecration-]

Oh Lord I am so fucking confused . . .


I'm taking off the attachment in my first post, gonna' - fucking hell - really try to actually put in screenwriting lingo, then I'll post again.

. . . oh boy . . .

[X-Nightcrawler]

Here's a little glossary that might help.

PART 1:

A Page - A revised page that extends beyond the original page, going onto a second page. (i.e. Page 1, 1A, 2, 3, 3A)
Abbreviations - shortcuts used in scripts such V.O., O.C.,
Act - A large division of a full-length play, separated from the other act or acts by an intermission.
Act/Scene Heading - Centered, all CAPS heading at the start of an act or scene. Act numbers are written in Roman numerals, scene numbers in ordinals.
Acting Edition - A published play script, typically for use in productions in the amateur market or as reading copies. Often has a list of prop list or set design sketches.
Action - The moving pictures we see on screen. Also, the direction given by a director indicating that filming begins.
ad lib - Dialogue in which the characters or actors make up what they say in real time on the movie set or on stage. From the Latin ad libitum, "in accordance with desire."
Against - A term describing the ultimate potential payday for a writer in a film deal. $400,000 against $800,000 means that the writer is paid $400,000 when the script is finished (through rewrite and polish); when and if the movie goes into production, the writer gets an additional $400,000.
Agent Submission - A method of play submission, in which a theater requires that a script be submitted by a recognized literary agent.
Alan Smithee - A fictional name taken by a writer or director who doesn't want their real name credited on a film.
Angle - A particular camera placement.
Approved writer - A writer whom a television network trusts to deliver a good script once hired.
Arbitration - Binding adjudication by members of a Writers Guild of America committee regarding proper onscreen writer credit of a movie; arbitration is available only to WGA members or potential WGA members.
Artistic Director - A theater company's chief artistic officer and usually the last stop before a play is selected for production.
Associate Artistic Director - An artistic officer of a theater company, frequently a director and often second to the Artistic Director, integrally involved with its artistic decisions.
At Rise Description - A stage direction at the beginning of an act or a scene that describes what is on stage literally "at rise" of the curtain, or more commonly in contemporary theater, as the lights come up.
Attached - Agreement by name actors and/or a director to be a part of the making of a movie.
Audio/Visual Script - A dual column screenplay with video description on the left and audio and dialogue on the right, used in advertising, corporate videos, documentaries and training films.
b.g. - Abbreviation for "background" (i.e. In the b.g., kids are fighting).
Back Door Pilot - A two-hour TV movie that is a setup for a TV series if ratings warrant further production.
Back End - Payment on a movie project when profits are realized.
Back Story - Experiences of a main character taking place prior to the main action, which contribute to character motivations and reactions.
Bankable - A person who can get a project financed solely by having their name is attached.
Beat - A parenthetically noted pause interrupting dialogue, denoted by (beat), for the purpose of indicating a significant shift in the direction of a scene, much in the way that a hinge connects a series of doors.
Beat Sheet - An abbreviated description of the main events in a screenplay or story.
Bill - The play or plays that together constitute what the audience is seeing at any one sitting. Short for "playbill."
Binding - What literally holds the script together. As a writer submitting your manuscript, you might use either brads with cardstock covers or one of a number of other pre-made folders (all available from The Writers Store).
Black Box - A flexible theater space named for its appearance.
Blackout - A common stage direction at the end of a scene or an act.
Book - The story and the non-musical portion (dialogue, stage directions) of a theatrical musical.
Brads - Brass fasteners used to bind a screenplay printed on three-hole paper, with Acco #5 solid brass brads generally accepted as having the highest quality.
Bump - A troublesome element in a script that negatively deflects the reader's attention away from the story.
Button - A TV writing term referring to a witty line that "tops off" a scene.
Cable - A cable television network such as HBO, or cable television in general.
Cast - The characters who are physically present in the play or film. These are the roles for which actors will be needed. When we talk about a role in a stageplay as being double-cast with another, it means that the same actor is expected to play both roles. This happens in film as well (e.g. Eddie Murphy), but only rarely.
Cast Page - A page that typically follows the Title Page of a play, listing the characters, with very brief descriptions of each.
Center (Stage) - The center of the performance space, used for placement of the actors and the set.
CGI - Computer Generated Image; a term denoting that computers will be used to generate the full imagery.
Character - Any personified entity appearing in a film or a play.
Character arc - The emotional progress of the characters during the story.
Character name - When any character speaks, his or her name appears on the line preceding the dialogue. In screenplays, the name is tabbed to a location that is roughly in the center of the line. In playwriting, typically the name is centered, but with the advent of screenwriting software that automatically positions the character name correctly, it has become acceptable to use a similar format for character names in stageplays.
Cheat a script - Fudging the margins and spacing of a screenplay on a page (usually with a software program) in an attempt to fool the reader into thinking the script is shorter than it really is.
Close Up - A very close camera angle on a character or object.
Commission - A play for which a theater company gives a playwright money to write, typically with the understanding that the theater will have the right of first refusal to premiere it.
Complication - The second act of a three-act dramatic structure, in which "the plot thickens," peaking at its end.
Conflict - The heart of drama; someone wants something and people and things keep getting in the way of them achieving the goal. At times, the obstacles can be common to both the hero and villain, and the ultimate goal a laudable one for both parties.
Continuing Dialogue - Dialogue spoken by the same character that continues uninterrupted onto the next page, marked with a (cont'd) in a stage play.
Continuous Action - Included in the scene heading when moving from one scene to the next, as the action continues.
Copyright - Proof of ownership of an artistic property that comes with registering your script through the United States Register of Copyrights.
Copyright Notice - Placing ©Your Name on the Title Page of a script.
Courier 12 pitch - The main font in use in the U.S. by both publishers and the Hollywood film industry.
Designer - Theater professional whose job it is to envision any of the following elements in a play: costumes, sets, lights, sound or properties.
Development - The process of preparing a script for production.
Development Hell - The dreaded creative death malaise that occurs when the development process lasts too long.
Dialogue - The speeches between characters in a film or a play.
Direct Solicitation - When a theater contacts a playwright or his agent about submitting a script. Theaters that use this method typically do not want the playwright to initiate the contact.
Direction, Stage Direction - (See Stage Directions in Revised above.)
Director - In a stageplay, the individual responsible for staging (i.e. placing in the space or "blocking") the actors, sculpting and coordinating their performances, and making sure they fit with the design elements into a coherent vision of the play. In a musical, there will typically be a separate musical director responsible for the musical elements of the show. In a Dramatists Guild contract, the playwright has approval over the choice of director (and the cast and designers). In film, the director carries out the duties of a stage director and then some (e.g. choosing the shot list), with considerably more say-so over the final product.
Downstage - The part of the stage closest to the audience, so named because when stages were raked (slanted), an actor walking toward the audience was literally walking down. Called "Down" for short.
Draft - A version of a play. Each draft of rewrites/revisions should be numbered differently.
Dramatists Guild of America - The professional organization of playwrights, composers and lyricists, based in New York.
Dual Dialog - When two characters speak simultaneously
Emphasized Dialogue - Dialogue that the playwright wants stressed, usually identified with italics.
Establishing Shot - A cinematic shot that establishes a certain location or area.
Evening-Length Play - A play that constitutes a full evening of theater on its own (a.k.a. Full-Length Play).
Event - What precipitates a play. For example, Big Daddy's birthday is the event in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
Exposition - The first act of a dramatic structure, in which the main conflict and characters are "exposed" or revealed. Also, any information about the characters, conflict or world of the play.
EXT. - Outdoors.
Extension - A technical note placed directly to the right of the Character name that denotes HOW the character's voice is heard. For example, O.S. is an extension that stands for Off-Screen.
f.g. - Abbreviation for "foreground" (i.e. In the f.g., kids are fighting).
Feature Film - A movie made primarily for distribution in theaters.
FLASHBACK - A scene from the past that interrupts the action to explain motivation or reaction of a character to the immediate scene.
Font - The look of the printed text on the page. For screenplays, Courier 12 point is the standard (a fixed font which in practical terms means than an l or an m, although the m being wider, occupy the same width of space). For stageplays, while Courier 12 point is often used, Times Roman and other proportional spaced, clearly readable fonts are also acceptable. (Proportional spaced fonts make adjustments for skinnier letters; text usually takes less space.)
Formula - More commonly used in the world of film than for describing the stage, it usually refers to a "sure-fire" method of structuring a script (i.e. it must include certain elements and arrive at a certain ending). For example, there have been a slew of movies where a group of misfits are thrown together and ultimately become the David that slays Goliath on the athletic field (e.g. The Bad News Bears).
FREEZE FRAME - The image on the screen stops, freezes and becomes a still shot.
Full-Length Play - Also known as an Evening Length Play, a play that constitutes a full evening of theater.
Genre - The category a story or script falls into - such as: thriller, romantic comedy, action, screwball comedy
Green Light - A project OKed for production.
Header - An element of a Production Script occupying the same line as the page number, which is on the right and .5" from the top. Printed on every script page, header information includes the date of a revision and the color of the page.
Heat - Positive gossip about a project on the Hollywood grapevine.
High concept - A brief statement of a movie's basic idea that is felt to have tremendous public appeal.
Hip pocket - A casual relationship with an established agent in lieu of a signed, formal agreement of representation.
Hook - A term borrowed from songwriting that describes that thing that catches the public's attention and keeps them interested in the flow of a story.
In the Round - A type of theater space in which the audience is, usually in a circular configuration, on all sides of the playing area.
Indie - A production company independent of major film studio financing.
INT. - Indoors.
Intercut - A script instruction denoting that the action moves back and forth between two or more scenes.
Intermission - A break between acts or scenes of the play to allow for set changes, and for the audience to go to the bathroom, stretch and buy concessions.
Interrupt - When one character cuts off another character's dialogue, sometimes marked with an ... but better marked with an em dash (--).
Left - On stage, the actors' left, assuming they are facing the audience. Short for Stage Left.
Lights Fade - A common stage direction to end a scene or an act.
Line Reading - When a director or playwright gives an actor a specific way to perform a line of dialogue.
Literary Manager - The artistic officer of a theater in charge of at least the first stages of reviewing scripts for possible production. She may have dramaturg responsibilities as well.
Literary Office - Usually headed by the literary manager and often staffed with interns and in-house or freelance readers. Typically the place to direct script submissions and inquiries.

[X-Nightcrawler]

PART 2:

Locked Pages - A software term for finalized screenplay pages that are handed out to the department heads and talent in preparation for production.
Logline - A "25 words or less" description of a screenplay.
Lyrics - The words that are sung by characters in a musical.
M.O.S. - Without sound, so described because a German-born director wanting a scene with no sound told the crew to shoot "mit out sound."
Manuscript - A script before it has been published.
Manuscript Format - The ideal submission format in the United States and in a number of other countries, with character names centered and CAPS before their dialogue, and indented stage directions.
Master Scene Script - A script formatted without scene numbering (the usual format for a spec screenplay).
Match Cut - A transition in which something in the scene that follows in some way directly matches a character or object in the previous scene.
Miniseries - A long-form movie of three hours or more shown on successive nights or weeks on U.S. television networks.
Montage - A cinematic device used to show a series of scenes, all related and building to some conclusion.
Movie of the Week - Also known as an "MOW," a movie made primarily for broadcast on a television or cable network.
Multimedia - Writing and filmmaking encompassing more than one medium at a time which, script-wise, usually refers to CD-ROM games or Internet-based programming.
Multiple Casting - When an actor plays more than one character.
Musical - A play in which songs and music are an integral part of the dramatic structure.
Musical Numbers Page - A page in a musical script, usually following the Cast Page, that lists the musical numbers, divided by act, and the characters that sing in them.
Notes - Ideas about a screenplay shared with a screenwriter by someone responsible for moving the script forward into production, which the screenwriter is generally expected to use to revise the screenplay. A similar paradigm exists on stage, with notes coming most often from the dramaturg or director.
Numbered Scenes - Numbers that appear to the right and left of the scene heading to aid the Assistant Director in breaking down the scenes for scheduling and production.
O.C. - Abbreviation for Off Camera, denoting that the speaker is resident within the scene but not seen by the camera.
O.S. - Abbreviation for Off Screen, denoting that the speaker is not resident within the scene.
Off - Short for offstage. Typically written as (off) next to a character name when a character speaking dialogue is offstage while she speaks.
One-Act Play - Technically, a play that has only one act, but in more common usage, a play that is not an evening unto itself but instead usually runs no more than an hour. A common arrangement is to produce three half-hour long one-acts on the same bill.
One-hour Episodic - A screenplay for a television show whose episodes fill a one-hour time slot, week to week.
Opening Credits - Onscreen text describing the most important people involved in the making of a movie.
Option - The securing of the rights to a screenplay for a given length of time.
Package - The assembly of the basic elements necessary to secure financing for a film.
PAN - A camera direction indicating a stationary camera that pivots back and forth or up and down.
Parenthetical - Also known as a "wryly" because of the propensity of amateur screenwriters to try to accent a character's speech -- as in BOB (wryly) -- an inflection to a speech noted by a writer. Of course, in stageplays, all stage directions (at least in Manuscript Format) are in parentheses, but "directing off the page," as it's often called, is equally frowned upon.
Pass - A rejection of a property by a potential producer or an agent.
Pitch - To verbally describe a property to a potential buyer in the hope it will be bought.
Play - Sometimes known as a stageplay, it's a production which is meant to be performed on stage in front of a live audience.
Playwright - A person who writes stage plays.
Playwriting - The craft or act of writing scripts for the stage (i.e. the live theater).
Points - Percentage participation in the profits of a film.
Polish - In theory, to rewrite a few scenes in a script to improve them. In practice, a screenwriter is often expected to do a complete rewrite of a script for the price of a polish.
POV - Point of View; a camera angle placed so as to seem the camera is the eyes of a character.
Producer - The person or entity financially responsible for a stage or film production.
Production Script - A script in which no more major changes or rewrites is anticipated to occur, which is used day by day for filming on a movie set.
Professional Recommendation - A method of submission in which a writer may submit a full script if it's accompanied by a theater professional (typically a literary manager or artistic director, though sometimes a director is acceptable as well).
Property - Any intellectual property in any form (including a play or screenplay) that might form the basis of a movie. In theater, usually called a "prop," an item (e.g. a gun, spoon, hairbrush, etc.) that can held by one of the characters.
Proscenium - A type of stage in which the actors play opposite the audience, from which they are separated. Most high school auditoriums are prosceniums.
Published Play Format - The format typically found in an Acting Edition, meant to save space, in which the character names are on the left and stage directions occur on the same lines as dialogue.
Query - A method of submission in which a writer approaches a theater with a brief letter, accompanied by a synopsis and sample pages.
Rake - A stage that is slanted so that as an actor moves away from the audience, he gets higher. Few contemporary theaters have raked stages. It's more likely that the house (i.e. where the audience sits) will be raked.
Reader (aka Script Reader) - A person who reads screenplays for a production company or stageplays for a theater company and writes a report about them, often being paid per report.
Reading - A "performance" of a play in which the actors are script-in-hand. It could either take place around a table (called a "table reading") or with some blocking or staging (a "staged reading").
Register of Copyrights - The US government office that registers intellectual property (e.g. scripts), necessary prior to filing a claim for copyright infringement in court.
Release - A legal document given to unrepresented writers for signing by agents, producers or production companies, absolving said entities of legal liability.
Resolution - The third act of a dramatic structure, in which the conflict comes to some kind of conclusion: the protagonist either gets it or doesn't.
Reversal - A place in the plot where a character achieves the opposite of his aim, resulting in a change from good fortune to bad fortune.
Revised Pages - Changes are made to the script after the initial circulation of the Production Script, which are different in color and incorporated into the script without displacing or rearranging the original, unrevised pages.
Right - On stage, the actors' right, assuming they are facing the audience. Short for Stage Right.
Romantic comedy - Also known as a "romcom," a comedic movie in which the main story resolves around a romance.
Scene - Action taking place in one location and in a distinct time that (hopefully) moves the story to the next element of the story.
Scene Heading - A short description of the location and time of day of a scene, also known as a "slugline." For example: EXT. MOUNTAIN CABIN - DAY would denote that the action takes place outside a mountain cabin during daylight hours.
Screenwriter - The most important and most abused person in Hollywood. The screenwriter writes the script that provides the foundation for the film, though it may go through any number of changes, both in the rewriting process before production, during production, and in the editing process afterward. While in the world of theater, there is usually only one playwright on any given play (or one collaborative team), in film there may be many screenwriters throughout the life of a project.
Script - The blueprint or roadmap that outlines a movie story through visual descriptions, actions of characters and their dialogue. The term "script" also applies to stageplays as well.
Script cover - What protects the script on its travels between the writer and its many potential readers. The Writers Store carries a number of acceptable covers.
Script reader - (See above as Reader.)
Script Writing Software - Computer software designed specifically to format and aide in the writing of screenplays and teleplays.
Securely Bound Script - Typically, a stageplay contest's request that a script be more firmly bound than brads will do. Either it is literally bound, or it is securely held in a folder.
Set - The physical elements that are constructed or arranged to create a sense of place.
Setting - The time and place of a play or screenplay.
Screening - The showing of a film for test audiences and/or people involved in the making of the movie.
SFX - Abbreviation for Sound Effects.
Shooting Script - A script that has been prepared to be put into production.
Shot - What the camera sees. For example, TRACKING SHOT would mean that the camera is following a character or character as he walks in a scene. WIDE SHOT would mean that we see every character that appears in the scene, all at once.
Showrunner - A writer/producer ultimately responsible for the production of a TV series, week to week.
Simultaneous Dialogue - When two characters speak at the same time, written in two columns side by side.
Situation comedy - Also known as a "sitcom," a normally 30-minute (in the United States) comedic television show revolving around funny situations the main characters repeatedly fall into.
Slugline - Another name for the SCENE HEADING
SMASH CUT - A quick or sudden cut from one scene to another.
Soap Opera - Daytime dramas so named because they were originally sponsored by the makers of laundry detergent in the early days of television.
Spec Script - A script written without being commissioned on the speculative hope that it will be sold.
SPFX - Abbreviation for Special Effects.
Split Screen - A screen with different scenes taking place in two or more sections; the scenes are usually interactive, as in the depiction of two sides of a phone conversation.
Stage center - More commonly known as Center Stage, it is the center of the performance space, used for placement of the actors and the set.
Stage Directions - In a stageplay, the instructions in the text for the actors (e.g. entrances, exit, significant actions or business) and stage crew (e.g. lights fade). Also, in a musical, the person who directed the non-musical elements of the show may be credited with "Stage Direction" to distinguish him from the Music Director, who will be credited with "Music Direction."
Stage Left - On stage, the actors' left, assuming they are facing the audience. "Left" for short.
Stage Right - On stage, the actors' right, assuming they are facing the audience. "Right" for short.
Stock Shot - A sequence of film previously shot and available for purchase and use from a film library.
Submission - Name for a script once it is submitted to producers or agents.
Suggested Setting - A setting on stage in which a few set pieces or lighting or other technical elements take the place of elaborate set construction.
SUPER - Abbreviation for "superimpose" meaning the laying one image on top of another, usually words over a filmed scene (i.e. Berlin, 1945).
Synopsis - A two to three page, double-spaced description of a screenplay.
Tag - A short scene at the end of a movie that usually provides some upbeat addition to the climax.
Technical Demands - The extent to which a play requires specific lighting, sound, sets, etc. Plays with minimal technical demands are easier and less expensive to produce.
Ten-Minute Play - A complete play, with a beginning, middle and end, designed to play in ten minutes.
The Business - Show business in general; more specifically, Hollywood moviemaking and television business.
Thriller - A fast-paced, high stakes crime story in which the protagonist is generally in danger at every turn, with the most danger coming in the final confrontation with the antagonist.
Thrust - A stage configuration in which the playing area protrudes into the audience; the actors have audience on three sides of them.
Ticking Clock - A dramatic device in which some event looming in the near future requires that the conflict reach a speedy resolution (hence, the ticking clock).
TITLE - Text that appears onscreen denoting a key element of the movie, a change of location or date, or person involved in the making of the movie.
Title Page - A page of the script that contains the title and the author's contact information.
Touring Play - A play with minimal technical demands that is meant to be easily packed up and moved from one performance space to another.
Transition - A script notation denoting an editing transition within the telling of a story. For example, DISSOLVE TO: means the action seems to blur and refocus into another scene, and is generally used to denote a passage of time.
Treatment - A scene by scene description of a screenplay, minus all or most of the dialogue.
Tweak - A minor change made in a scene or portion of a screenplay or a stageplay.
Unsolicited Script - A method of script submission in which the writer sends the script, without prior contact, to the theater or production company. Some theaters allow this, most don't-and very few film production companies, for liability reasons, can read unsolicited materials.
Upstage - The part of the stage farthest from the audience, so named because when stages were raked (slanted), an actor walking away from the audience was literally walking up. Called "Up" for short.
V.O. - Abbreviation for Voice Over, denoting that the speaker is narrating the action onscreen.
WGA Signatory - An agent, producer or production company that has signed an agreement to abide by established agreements with the Writers Guild of America.
Workshop - A developmental "production" of a play, with a significant amount of rehearsal, but with less fully realized production values (e.g. set) than a full production.
Writers Guild of America - Also known as "the WGA." The main union for screenwriters in the United States, with chapters in Los Angeles and New York.

[Romero&Juliet]

why not try the filmmking/screenwriting forum..? they're better equipped to help you out.

[C-Desecration-]

Wel I just posted a good, long summary . . . and then the computer deleted it. What have I gotten myself into? Saturday night, trying to get a silly little script up . . . *sigh*


SUMMARY (told in a unique fashion):


Hello.
You are a kind, understanding human being.
liar
You have hope.
liar
You are loved. You deserve love.
liar


And.
You are a quiet, helpful human being.
LIAR
You have hope.
LIAR
You are loved. You deserve love.
LIAR


Goodbye.
You are a viscious, relentless human animal.
You have no hope.
You have no love nor do you deserve it.


Welcome to Alpine, Colorado.
shut up shut the fuck up and
Welcome to the rebirth of humanity.
reject everything you know reject
Tell me something. Tell me, tell me what your deepest desires are. What are they? The urge to help mankind, to give money to the poor, to right wrongs, to make someone’s life better, to change the world for the better?

Hello . . . Adam Forest
Now stop.
Stop lying, and tell me.
Your deepest desires.
" Cindy Williams."
Next time he went to school, he would throw the brunette beauty against a locker, rip off all her clothes, and fucking rape her.
Once.
Twice.
Your deepest desires.
" Johnny Phillips."
Johnny was a promiscuous little shit that felt the need to make Adam’s life a living hell. Deepest desires. Tomorrow, tomorrow he would go to school, he would go and he would slam Johnny’s face into his very own locker.
Once.
Twice.
Your deepest desires.
He didn’t want to go to school today.
He didn’t.
God. Good God.
God was weak.
People were not. People were raised to believe that they had limits, to believe that their deepest desires were to be repressed, were to be controlled. But sometimes a person would wake up from their brain-washed stupor, and realize that they had absolutely no limits.

Reject. Everything.

A person could destroy a life. A person could take a life. A person could do anything and everything. Can’t stand your fucking parents? Get out of there. A little blond tease won’t put out? Make her put out. Lost your job? Good. Good God. Society had built each and every child as if it were a programmable machine; money buys things needed for your survival. Without this government-regulated device, you would become homeless. Young kids go off to school. Junior High. High School. College. You graduate, and you get a job, and then money. Money buys your survival.
A little fucking sheet of green paper.
Sometimes a person would wake up from their brain-washed stupor.
And realize that they were not bound by anything.
Need money? Take it.
Rape, murder. Control--those things gave a person control, gave them power. Society did not want that. Society did not like that.
They knew what the general populace did not.
A single person was more powerful than they believed.
Your deepest desires.
Let them out.
Free them.

Witness a world free of limits.

Hello . . . Summer Albine
Rape is supposed to give you fear. Fear. Rape. They are interchangeable. More than hunger, more than poverty, you need to fear this Rape. Because, see, in Rape, a large Caucasian man comes to you in a darkened alleyway. He forces you to have sex with him. He degrades you. He overpowers you because he is the Man, and you are the Woman. You are physically weaker than he is.
You’re objective is not to fight back.
Why not?
You’re objective is to try and get help.
Why?
You need to scream and try to claw your way out of his grasp.
Why?
You need to try and find help, because you are reliant on others.
Why?
You are the Woman, and he is the Man.
Stop. Reject what society has taught you. Reject the power that society has taken from you. Reject the fear society has implanted in you. The fear of Death, of Loneliness, of Rape. You are not the Woman, and you are not the Man. You are not the Victim, and you are not the Perpetrator.
You are not good.
You are not evil.
You are human.
Reject Death.
Reject Loneliness.
Reject Rape.
You are unbelievably powerful. You can rewrite history. You can become whatever you want to be. You have no restraints. You have no limits.
So . . . you are in Alpine High School.
You are pressed against a locker.
You are being raped.
You cannot get help.
You are isolated.
Now . . .
. . . what do you do?

Six people are trapped. Around them, something is happening to the residents of Alpine. Something is turning them towards murder, rape, suicide, sadism, cannibalism, self-mutilation . . . and even more horrifying acts.

Welcome to the revolution of mankind.
Welcome to Hell.


Okay . . . and I'm going to post the 'revised' draft (I tried), and then I'll have to wait until tomorrow to explain the situation I'm in. What time is it . . . hmm . . . fine, I'll get to it:

I sort of want a screenplay for this novel that's pretty fucking hard to translate into film. Say, think of the novel Fight Club, multiply it by a thousand, and there you go. But if the summary sounds somewhat interesting, and even if you disregard my screenplay (the thing's just too sloppy and . . . well, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with screenwriting), I'd like to know what the interest levels are.

Whew.

[TheJadedGamer]

Fucking-a dude! And yes, it is about damn time.

[C-Desecration-]

(maybe so anyone can compare the screenplay with the actual writing--yes, I'm terribly embarassed by the screenplay ;) ) Here is a quick (yes, very short as well) taste of the novel. Oh, and the spacing is all messed up, but deal with it. And the only thing that is missing is a little drawing I did with words that looked like they were smeared into a steamy mirror:


© Copyright 2003, Corey Twisdale
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwise, without written permission from the author
_______________
The scream.
The lips curl upwards like rewound waterfalls, the flesh quivering erotically. The eyes are alive, wide and alert, no longer filled with the humdrum sins that populated the world; there is no oceanic lust swimming in the pupils. The body, complete with all its delectable curves, is twisted in an arousing display of weakness: the knees are bent, the back fallen in a hunch, the shoulders pulled forward, the face itself contorted into a collage of emotions. For in a scream, the face tries to represent far too many emotions, doing nothing more than wrapping them up into an incoherent mess.
As Alan Merck stared at the words he had drawn onto the steamed mirror, he tossed the images of her scream into his mental wastebasket. It didn’t matter now, not now, because he had won. He had been in control of the situation, the stable authority that had been missing from his life. Parents, relatives--they had all run out on him. But she hadn’t, because he hadn’t let her.
Now, the girl whose name he did not know lay in the bathtub, her body soaked in three feet of murky, scalding hot water. After putting her into the tub, Alan had started a hot shower to wash away all the blood. However, there were still plenty of dark, red stains splashed across the bathroom floor, creating horrid crimson polka dots. They didn’t concern him.
The girl used to be quite beautiful, with fiery auburn hair flowing down to her shoulders and milky, flawless skin, with an unusually voluptuous figure. The latter was what had so strongly attracted Alan to her in the first place. He had liked her, of course, and thusly took no pleasure in hurting her, in causing her pain. Although it was beyond Alan to comprehend his motive, he had, to some extent, imitated the act of defloration . . . in his own perverse way.
That was why a sharp slicing weapon was needed, and also why he had been so compelled to cut her. The girl needed to be pierced and slit, even chopped up. Subconsciously, his own grotesque form of intercourse had also urged him to make the fatal cut run from the vagina to the abdomen.
He had.
The flesh on the girl’s neck had been pierced repeatedly, turned into bloody party streamers. The bladed instrument Alan had used severed the jugular and carotid. The process itself had held a fetishistic element, allowing him to achieve a pleasurable arousal from his actions.
Because Alan had won. Family, relatives, lovers--he had been bested by each, driven away. His mother and father had beaten him in God’s good name. His aunt Loma despised him, hated him. His relationships with women never ended well; they always hurt him, cut him deeper than any knife could, with only the proverbial blade of emotion.
But with the girl, things had been different.
He had been in control. Alan had taken the girl before he actually - and regretfully - killed her. He had exerted unmitigated, irreparable control over her. She had been motionless and terrified, too weak and scared to run off on him like his father had.
He had been the one to inflict abuse, not take it. Alan had power over her, had been able to punish her, all the while completely ignorant to his screams
(how do you like it mom? HOW DO YOU LIKE)
of anger, harking back to his troubled past. From the pain came fear, and from fear undeniable hegemony was born.
He had won.
Alan turned away from the mirror, feeling like he was wading through a substantial cloud of mist. The steam in the bathroom was thick, syrupy beads of water that seemed to hang, suspended in mid-air, brushing against his cheeks and forehead like the moist stroke of a tongue. The ghostly yellow light in the bathroom tinted the excess moisture with a golden, almost sublime hue. It was almost like Alan Merck was strolling through heaven.
He was naked except for a damp, olive-colored towel wrapped around his waist.
Clumsily, Alan pulled off his makeshift gown, then took another step towards the tub. His breathing was slow but excited, coming out in quick sighs. His foggy, green eyes darted along the body of the girl, lingering longer on her breasts than any other part. But it was not sexual interest that held them there--it was a swirl of blood on the right nipple.
“ Oh!” Alan exclaimed, cupping his hands in front of his mouth in a gesture more appropriate for discovering that the turkey had burned on Thanksgiving than when regarding a corpse, “ Oh geese . . . I . . .”
He stumbled over to the front of the tub, where the dual faucets jutted out from the wall like deformed penises. Alan grabbed the faucet with a large, red-hot H, then pulled, waiting for the sudden explosion of water from above. None came . . . at first.
The growing scream of water seemed to fill the bathroom, until, finally, the showerhead ejaculated.
He quickly ducked away from the blast, his eyes fixing themselves back on the small bloodstain.
As predicted, the water successfully cleansed the blemishes surrounding the nipple.
“ There . . . there, better? Geese, I’m so . . . sorry . . .”
Not bothering to turn off the water, Alan spun around, his feet pivoting on the towel below. The words he had scrawled across the mirror were fading, concealed by droplets of liquefied erasers. He watched the letters shrink, drowned by the fresh film of steam.
Hesitantly, as if the plate of glass might form jagged teeth and lunge forward like an enraged Doberman, Alan walked over to the mirror. He casually slapped at the wasteland of moisture, clearing small slits in the steam with each digit of his hand.
Alan gazed at the thing in the mirror, then let out a scream.
____

That's basically the beginning of Hello and Goodbye, and, obviously is copyrighted.

[X-Nightcrawler]

That's simply amazing.

[Pestilence]

I agree with Nightcrawler.

That is, quite simply, amazing.

[C-Desecration-]

Wow . . . thanks.

Okay, here is a NEW summary that'll make sense. I'm starting with the "basic" idea of the story, then slowly going deeper and deeper into it. Tell me what you all think:

© Copyright 2003, Corey Twisdale
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwise, without written permission from the author


edited

[Pestilence]

I'M INTERESTED!!!!

BY GOD, I'M INTERESTED!!!!!

[C-Desecration-]

I think I mentioned somewhere in this thread that I'm interested in getting a screenwriter to adapt the book. I decided to give it a shot myself, but there's just way too much lingo for me to do it without completely delving into the screenwriting.

I'd actually like to see if any screenwriters are interested in what's known about Hello and Goodbye so far before giving too much away. Now, as a caution, the adaption is not a sure-fire thing to get made. I'm not a director, producer, etc. Now that the novel is picked up, I just wanted to see how it could translate into a movie (because I always thought it would make a good one). But, as a disclaimor, this would be written just like any other--could or could not be picked up by a studio. That's something I just wanted to point out.

So if anyone's interested, I'd like to know. Oh, and pest, I saw in x's thread that you're a screenwriter? If you'd care to try and adapt the book that'd be great, but I'd need to see a little sample of how you write.

That's all for now.

[X-Nightcrawler]

If you want to, I could give your adaptation a shot.

[C-Desecration-]

All right, I’m going to go just a tiny bit deeper--then stop. That’s all I’ll reveal. For those of you who haven’t, make sure you read my post that begins with the “basic level” (it's just a few posts above) . . .


Even deeper: The main protagonists, the survivors, can become insane as well. You know, I think I’ll use the word ‘infected’ (as in, infected by the malevolent entity), because insane just sounds a little silly. All right, so they can become infected too. The interesting thing, though, is that two of the main survivors are Alan Merck and Macy Fallan. These two are shown at the beginning of the novel, obviously infected by that point. One example I pulled from the novel, and can be read in a post of mine above (involving Alan). However, re-wind to the present, and, boom--they’re normal. So throughout the story the two are decent, likeable characters, but the general knowledge that, eventually, they’ll go insane brings about an interesting twist.

Getting very deep now: What I’m going to say is BARELY covered in the book (it was a larger part of an earlier idea I had, so I just minimized it), but it’s intriguing: You know how a great majority of serial killers hear “voices”? . . . well guess what? The entities that voice.

A quick note: The story takes place, I'm thinking, over a course of a year. Each day in chronicled (ex. September 5th, and then a headline like 'Battles of the mind' or something)


And, for the hell of it (and in a desperate attempt to strike up further interest), here's another excert. It's a little longer than the others, though, and since it's much later, I can't explain everything prior to it, but you should get the idea (her parents killed themselbes by the way, she isn't crazy yet . . . but getting there, as you'll see). But this combined with what I posted a few posts above should give you a good idea of my writing style:


© Copyright 2003, Corey Twisdale
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwise, without written permission from the author

_________
SHE Should’ve felt different.
Macy Fallan sat on the floor in the living room of her home, staring blankly at the television before her. She was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Painfully bright blue jeans that she had forced herself into despite their ludicrously small size now clung to her skin with the intensity of a massive boa constricting around its kill. Utterly white, sleeveless shirt and one of her dad’s ties around the bare skin on her neck made up the rest of her ensemble.
She should’ve felt sad.
Angry.
She felt nothing.
On the television, bright, vivid colors danced about, a rerun of The Simpsons playing. Apparently, the adult cartoon was portraying its own her parents are dead form of Who’s On First?, displaying a rapier wit that would usually have Macy on the floor, laughing until she cried. There was a man, splashed with simple colors and lacking any significant detail , staring blankly at the show’s infamous, loveable moron, Homer Simpson. The man, see, says, “ We’re having a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend.” So Homer gives him a funny look, then asks, “ How much is this free resort weekend?” Man: “ It’s free!” Homer: “ And when is this weekend?” Man: “. . . It’s this weekend.” Homer: “ Uh-huh, and how much does it cost?” Man: “ Um, it’s free.” Homer: “ I see, and when is it?” Man: “ It’s this weekend.” Homer: “ And what are you charging for this free weekend?”
Macy blinked, her face still.
Her parents were dead. Mom was in the upstairs bathroom, Dad was in his bedroom. Dead.
Blink.
She didn’t know how much time passed, or when it did. The television flowed, becoming a raging river of sounds and images, but none that exactly registered within her.
The Simpsons was back. Had it already been a day? Or was it another episode? Another channel?
Macy didn’t know.
She just watched, motionless.
The father of Homer, Abe “Grampa” Simpson, an older character portrayed by drawn lines across his face representing wrinkles. Again, the spry humor would have normally seen a chorus of laughter and wide smiles from Macy. Grampa Simpson: “ We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I . . . oh yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones . . . ”
Blink.
Flash.
The Simpsons was over. Gone. Another show. Not animated.
Laugh track.
A sitcom.
In the background, the sounds of people laughing. Macy wasn’t laughing. She was barely breathing, only giving out small, quick sighs.
Her mom had a deep, red line across her throat. There was a lot of blood. Her dad, too, had similar injuries. Not so much blood.
Blink.
Haha. Laugh track. They weren’t real, you know.
Blink.
She was hungry. She was thirsty. Didn’t matter. Eventually, the sounds of her stomach growling would grow dim before disappearing altogether, and the burning in her throat, well-
Didn’t matter.
Seinfeld was on. Funny show. It was about nothing, you know.
Shoes and Why Did They Have That Stripe? or buttons Now What’s With The Replacement Buttons and that funny guy Kramer Well Jerry The Guy’s A Close Talker and a Re-Gifter, and a Mimbo Well That’s A Male Bimbo haha you know the laugh tracks weren’t real and George he was funny he was bald and friends with Elaine she was funny broke up with a guy because of bad grammar you know they weren’t real and Jerry he wrote some episodes funny guy comedian and What’s The Deal With Airline Peanuts-
Blink.
King of the Hill. Amusing, but more serious than most other adult-oriented animated shows. But it had that funny guy who no one could understand with his funny voice but the joke see, the joke was Mom and Dad are dead was that all the other characters could understand them and haha had no laugh track.
Blink.
3rd rock from the sun was funny too, Macy usually thought so because see the hook was that they were all aliens but trying to be like humans so their really unusual you know very funny all sitcoms have a hook you know the hook was Mom’s got a lot of blood on her was always funnier with every new show ha-
Blink.
Macy remained motionless.
Her stomach felt like it was trying to roll over itself, igniting a sharp pain within her.
“ Mom!” Macy called, “ Mom, can I have some dinner!”
Something good. No macaroni and cheese or microwave stuff . . . they always made her feel sick. Maybe a salad? Yeah, a salad with tomatoes and bits of chopped up carrots and maybe some dressing. That would be nice. Maybe wash it down with some Diet Cola, and munch on chips the rest of the night? No, no Mom always said that if you just eat those barbecue chips they might be good but you don’t want to start craving them because then you’d balloon up like a . . .
. . . a balloon, right?
Macy abruptly smiled, the corners of her mouth quivering, her eyes simultaneously becoming wide and ashamed.
The smile vanished.
She was motionless.
Blink.
Just Shoot Me. Macy used to like David Spade. He was funny. Made her laugh.
Haha.
Laugh track, don’t you know?
Blink.
“ Dad, I didn’t lose your tie!” Macy called to the empty living room, “ You said I’d lose it but I didn’t.”
Maybe she should take it off. Go upstairs to the bedroom, and give Dad back his tie.
Yeah.
Macy stood up.
She sat down.
“ I’ll give it back later.” Macy told herself.
Blink.
No sitcom. A show . . . a new show. Came out before the normal fall lineup. Drama. Soap. Macy liked it. Called The OC. That stood for Orange County, don’t you know?
Oranges.
And oranges in her salad, small little slices on the side. Or maybe actually in the salad?
No, no Mom wouldn’t approve of that. Well, that was an over-exaggeration, certainly, even though Mom usually had nothing more than some lettuce with dressing to qualify as a salad.
“ Mom! Mom! Do you want me to make the salad?”
Oh right.
Mom was dead, don’t you know?
Haha. A laugh track, it isn’t real.
Mom’s dead.
Isn’t real.
Haha.
Blink.
A raging tidal wave broke over her, crushing her body in memories: body in her bedroom there was a body in her bedroom Mom was dead Dad was dead get help oh-
Blink.
Macy let out a loud, high-pitched scream, one that echoed chillingly within the empty house.
Her chest began to rise and fall with breathless rapidity, as air darted in and out of her mouth. Her eyelids fluttered, the pupils beneath beginning to clear, doing away with the muddy dullness that had previously occupied them.
Macy screamed again.
She scrambled to her feet, then began to frantically look around the living room.
Her parents were dead. There was a body in her bedroom.
Dead.
Gone.
She screamed.
On the television, a recorded laugh-track played.
Upstairs. Mom was laying in the bathtub. There was a lot of blood, a lot of blood and it was everywhere. Dad was in his bedroom, sprawled out on the bed, dead, dead but there wasn’t as much blood as there was in the bathroom.
Macy craned her head upwards to gaze at the ceiling, then slapped it back down to the rug.
Suddenly she couldn’t get enough air. It seemed like she was suffocating, drowning in waterless mist that was somehow so dense that it forcefully removed air from her lounges. She began to gasp, both hands coming up like springs, clutching her throat as if she was being strangled.
She coughed, fell to her knees, then took another huge breath.
Air. She had air.
Slowly, her breathing slowed to a somewhat normal pace.
Dead. Thud. Like a brick colliding with her stomach. Thud. Your parents are dead. Thud.
Thud. Dead. Thud.
Hello and Goodbye. As simple as that.
There were here and now they’re gone. As simple as that.
Thud.
From the television, another laugh-track.
Haha.
Thud.
Dead. Thud. Gone. Thud.
Macy cradled her stomach with both hands, as she slowly stood.
She combed her hair back with a sweaty palm, then sucked in some more air. The simple intake of breath seemed to hold a soothing effect, one that Macy took readily.
Breathe in . . . breath out.
They’re both dead. Thud. Your parents are dead. Thud.
Breathe in . . . breath out.
Dead-dead-dead-dead. Thud.
Breathe in . . . breath out . . .
. . . nothing.
The momentarily silence in her mind brought out a much-needed tranquility. With surprising quickness, Macy was able to get herself under control, to some extent.
The silence in her house fluttered about with terrifying laxity.
______


That’s it.

And X, here's how I'd handle anyone who wanted to do an adaption: I'm not going to be very hands-on. I'm not going to demand to see progress every day, blah blah blah--because obviously screenwriters are usually working on projects of their own. However, it will take up a bit of your time (but not mine--ha!), moreso than most screenplays. What I would do is e-mail (I finally got my first email a few weeks ago--yeah, I'm behind the times) you the novel (it's in Microsoft Works). You'd read it just as you would a normal story, familiarize yourself. Any loose ends (it isn't completely finished) I'll tie up, and then you can go as you want. I'd like to, on occasion, get a little taste of what your doing (you can always start a thread here), but that's it. And what I said above applies to anyone interested.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Ok, I'll be reading it...you can PM me any time you want to see what i've done.

Gee, Im fucking flattered.

[Juice]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler


These are called 'Shots' and you have:

ANGLE ON --
EXTREME CLOSE UP --
PAN TO --
FRANKIE'S POV --
REVERSE ANGLE --

Have fun with them.



These are only used when the script writer is also the director.

[Juice]

Good writing C-Desecration!

The only thing I don't get is the description of these tv shows, wich seems strange and unnessecary to me.

Btw, inspired by Stephen King?

[C-Desecration-]

Btw, inspired by Stephen King?


Kind of . . . Kind mixed with Chuck Palanhuit (however you spell it--he wrote Fight Club, although I'm not particularly impressed with him). And with the TV show descriptions, it's just a unique style. I use a lot of writing styles, and a lot of them blend well together. It varies from King, yeah, but sort of add to the confusion in the characters mind, what with the run-on sentences (the thing with Seinfled). But again, that's the only time I do that. And the novel hasn't undergone any massive editing yet, so I'm not sure what an editor would want to take out--of course, I wouldn't edit my own book, so maybe that part'll go. Who knows.

Thanks for the compliments.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by Juice
These are only used when the script writer is also the director. Not nessesarily, writers can put these but they are not very common in unpublished scripts and sometimes they are frowned upon.