beginning of a short story, need some tips.

[RavenBlade]

This is a story I am starting to write,
but I think I need some help
with punctuation, and maybe
more flow for the story.
Please let me know what you think.
Thanks

THE SHADOW OF NIGHT

By Jacob Knight

The moon cast an eerie glow over the
small town of Willow Groves, shining
through the trees, illuminating
dirt roads, that teenagers used
to race on, till the local sheriff
put an end to their wild friday night
fun time, where they would get
drunk off their rockers, and smoke
spliff sticks till the cows came home.
It was always a quite town, with
trees, on every street, cars could
remain unlocked without the threat
of it being stolen, one where you
could sleep on your lawn which
were all well manicured, without
fear of your life being taken from you.
During the Thanksgiving holiday, you could
smell pumpkin pies, apple pies,
hell, even pecan pies being cooked,
and it would waft through the air,
being carried by the wind to where it
could be smelt in the next town over.
Half the town would gather at the
High School stadium, to cheer on
their teams to victory, some dressed
in the teams colors of Blue and Gold,
while others used black eyeliner
to draw whiskers by their noses
to make them look like a beaver.
The horn bellowed through out the night
sky, to signal the half time event.
Jacob Gallow, the Quarterback,
star player of The Willow Groves Beavers,
and resident hunk, sits down on the bench,
and watches his girlfriend Molly Greenwood,
lead on her fellow cheerleaders in a cheer.
He watches her from a distance, hoping
to catch her eye, she looks at him,
and wrinkles her nose, then winks at him.
Suddenly clouds begin to cover the sky, hiding
the moon as if it were shielding it from
the police. Lightening begins to crackle,
then thunder echoes throughout the stadium, winds
gust upwards of 60 mph, knocking over
the Gatorade Thermous, leaves peppered
all over the field in a multi colored display.
The girls skirts flap wildly, occassionaly
showing some under garments.
A dark mysterious figure appears from
out of left field, eye's as red as hell,
teeth like shards of glass. It walks slowly,
and somewhat strobic in nature, flickering
in and out like a ghost that can't make
up it's mind on, whether to stay in
the living plains, or the nether regions.
It takes something so microscopic
from it's long black over-coat, and flicks
it in the air with his thumb, causing the thunder to
become more boistrous. Bolts of
electricity strike the stadium lights,
causing them to go out. The glass
breaks and scatters around the seating areas,
then the light posts begin to explode,
forcing them to fall on some of the attendants.
Nobody notices the mysterious figure,
standing there, watching chaos breed
at the speed of sound.
The figure then reaches in it's pocket
again, takes out another shard, flicks
it towards Jacob who is running to get
to his girlfriend, and the shard takes
the form of a sword. Jacob catches a
glimpse of it hurtling toward him,
he opens his mouth to scream,
but is silenced when the sword goes
through his mouth, then is slides down
vertically, revealing the innards of Jacobs
body, his intestings spill out and blood
splashes on Mollys fear stricken face.
She lets out a scream, and falls unconscience,
those that are still lingering around searching
for shelter, they have become oblivious
to what has just occured. When they
are out of the way, the dark figure walks
towards Jacob and Molly, and holds
out his hand. "Alkai Bolew Muldun"
it roars from the figures mouth,
which makes the souls of the recent
departed leap into his hands.
Molly lays there silently, but is
picked up by the abominable figure;
carting her off into the night.

[C-Desecration-]

I'm actually going to get published by Owl books (story is called Turning Backwards) after refusing a particular publisher (they were too green), so I should be able to help.


" The moon cast an eerie glow . . ."
Too vague. An 'eerie glow'? What does it look like? Try . . .

" The moon casts a pale, underwater glow . . ."

From now on I'll just change things on the fly, so compare it with the original:

" . . . over the small town of Willow Groves. The luminance shone through the trees, pouring foggy light onto the dirt roads. The light skippd along the asphalt uninterrupted, for the roads were deserted.
It was always a quiet town, so much so that the hushed creak of an opening door or the rustle of the wind tangled in trees could be heard all around. On the streets, cars were unlocked. (During the Thanksgiving holiday, you could smell pumpkin pies, apple pies--is it thanksgiving? I'm confused, so I'll just skip this part . . . hell, even pecan pies being cooked, and it would waft through the air, being carried by the wind to where it could be smelt in the next town over.)
Half the town would gather at the High School stadium (when? this is totally out of place), to cheer on their team to victory. There would always be an abundance of blue and gold - the team's colors - while some kids would slap black eyeliner just below their noses as makeshift whiskers (why why why? if the team is named Beavers, specify that before you give out the whisker note)."

Now here's the problem; you just so quickly between times that I can't keep up. Maybe that's your style, I dunno.


" The horn bellowed throughout the night sky like the wind itself, signalling the half time event. Jacob Gallow, star Quarterback of The Willow Groves Beavers (and resident hunk, some of the local girls might add) sits down on the bench and watches his girlfriend lead on her fellow cheerleaders in a cheer. He watches her from a distance, hoping to catch her eye.
She looks at him, wrinkles her nose, then winks.
Apparently triggering darkness, clouds began to cover the sky as soon as their eyes meet. The moon begins to fade, obscured from the cloud-curtains.
Lightning crackles, then thunder echoes throughout the stadium."


I'm going to stop there (early in the moring--yawn), but if you like the changes, PM me. There's some things I'd like to mention about your general style.

Hope this helps.

EDIT: Our styles vary quite a lot though. What I did above I did in a few minutes, before even reading the short story. That was how apparent some of the problems were. But I can give you some general pointers and whatnot, or maybe I can adjust to your style.
I write past-tense ("Josh hoped . . ."), whereas you go for present ("Josh hopes"), so if above you see that some of the tenses don't match, that's probably my fault.

[RavenBlade]

Thanks C-Des for the pointers, and congrats on
your your book being published.

When I was writing this last night,
I knew I was going to have some problems,
and I saw that I was jumping ahead,
that is one big problem of mine,
as I prefer to get into the story,
and leave the details out of it,
unless it really adds something.
But I digress, I love to write,
and sadly, must be extremely
perfect in this, which causes some
stress.
I am better suited for writing poetry,
than stories, as I was basically raised
on them, but I want to branch out from
poetry, to story telling.

Must make a mental note, never
to write when you are really tired.

What you have added is fine,
and does make the general flow of
the story seem tighter, I will use
it as a guideline, rather than using
what you had already wrote, even though
it is much better.
I do sometimes write in past tence, depending on how
I feel about the story and where it leads,
but I guess it is my style so far to write
in present tence.

I thank you for your time, and help.

Raven

[C-Desecration-]

must be extremely perfect


Uh-oh . . .
Keep in mind that the changes I made actually disrupted the flow (I blended writing styles), so it's very good that you use your own prose. But if you want this to be extremely perfect, sorry, but the whole thing is convuluted. It's obvious that you have a lot of things you want to get out, and you're trying to do it all at once. Be patient with the story. Enter the scenario, describe what you see, and take it slow. When you speed along it gets very sloppy and you lose the reader.

Last suggestion: if you have to, keep writing like this. Get it all out. Then, when you're done, look over what you saw and finally re-write. You'll have already gotten everything out, so maybe you won't be in such a rush. And chill out on the commas :)