PDA

View Full Version : REVAMPED


The UserName
01-21-2004, 06:42 PM
I am writing a new script, and doing it right this time. It has similar qualities to my other script, but I feel this one's more better, more what i'm looking for.

Here's a very vague outline.

Starts off with Mark and Holly at their neighbors', Irene and Harold, New Year's Eve party. Mark lounges alone by the drinks, Holly flirts with Harold, Irene sits alone, with a big smile on her face.

Mark knows his wife is cheating on them, he brings it up with her, she denies it. He gets desperate for solutions, he loves her very much and has faith in them. He talks to his employee at Burger King, Dan, about this. Dan suggests scaring the shit out of the man. Mark borrows Dan's gun, runs into the room with a gun, accidentally drops it, bam! Harold's dead. Holly freaks out and Mark ties her down.

While disposing of the body (Mark is a nauseous man so he cant do it himself), Irene shows up asking for sugar. She finds her husband dead on the floor and freaks out, during the commotion it is said that Harold was cheating on Irene with Holly. This freezes irene, and sends her crying and beating her dead husband. She loved him very much, and her fantasy world is now ruined by his unfaithfulness.

They go to dispose of the body (Dan's in this croiwd by the way, afterall, is is his fun),Irene hates her husband now, Mark sees visions of Harold, so does Irene. Shit might go on here, I have yet to decide. Later on Dan may also deal Mark and/or Irene drugs that they will use to cope with. Irene gets depressed, Mark is there for her. She slowly begins to fall for him and go insane.

Irene decides to kill another woman Harold once had an affair with. She finds it the right thing to do. She tells Mark she will tattle on him if he doesn't tag along. They go to her house, chase her around, finally she shoots him, the corpse falls on Mark, who passes out. Irene imagines Mark to be Harold, and rapes him while he's passed out. Mark awakens and Irene speaks of the sex, calls him Harold, and then speaks of "one last problem to solve." Mark KNOWS this means Holly. He calls up Dan, and tells him to get her the fuck out of there. Mark tries to stop Irene, she gets in the car, drives off, Mark takes the keys to the lady irene just killed's car, drives off. He meets up with Dan, gets Holly, drives off, Irene follows.

In the car mark explains what's going on and unties her. Instead of being appreciative, Holly lives up to her bitch rep and says things like "you just wait till i get my hands on a phone" and "im divrocing you." She makes Mark pull the car to the side and walks off. Just then Irene is coming, Mark gives up on Holly, he knows he can save her, but decides not to. Irene kills Holly. Then, like the maniac she became, gets out of the car and beats the shit out of Holly's body. Mark takes Irene's keys, and drives off, leaving Irene beating a dead body in the middle of the road.

"Harold, Harold honey, come back! Harold! Harold, where are you going?!" she shouts from behind, covered in Holly's blood. Mark drives and drives, and passes a hitchhiker who happens to be another figment of his imagination(he has them often, so does Irene, remmeber i said he sees Harold)and it's Harold as the hitchhiker, holding up a sign that says "THE END"

I plan on calling it COLD TURKEY, since throughout the movie Mark will be trying to quit smoking. Tell me what you think.

Ronaldinho
01-21-2004, 07:18 PM
I feel this one's more better
uh-oh.
Here's a very vague outline. (emphasis added)
uh-oh, squared.
While disposing of the body (Mark is a nauseous man so he cant do it himself), Irene shows up asking for sugar.
Uh...

She slowly begins to fall for him and go insane.Uh...
They go to her house, chase her around, finally she shoots him, the corpse falls on Mark, who passes out.
She shoots who?

Nevermind.

Why not proofread this for clarity and try again.

Also think about the timing. How much time does this story cover? You say things like Irene slowly goes insane, and then I learn that Holly is still in the car.

The UserName
01-21-2004, 08:52 PM
She shoots the other lady her husband had an affair with.

lol hollys not in the car till the end when mark saves her? and throughout the movie irene begins to fall for mark and go insane.

Kastman
01-22-2004, 12:19 AM
ok i read the first line, saw mark and holly, used the search function and on the first of page pages with results, there were 6 or 7 threads about this idea...

People have read your script, given you advice, helped you out with theseproblems, now it's up to you to do it...



btw, just my opnion but i dont think you should have harold holding up the end sign, it's a bit cheesy if your making this movie half serious half comedy.

The UserName
01-22-2004, 05:49 PM
it's a competely different script practically, a similar thing here and there including character names, but its sooo different. i mean, i didnt mind the end in replies for the toher one for the past few months cause i only finished it so that i can have completed something. this is new, this is different, im outlining it and trying to take in advice before it's too late and i become ignorant.

The UserName
01-28-2004, 11:20 PM
Here's one thing I just thought of. When Dan, Mark, and Irene go to dispose of the body, after the visions. The car breaks down, so Dan calls Lupe, a friend of Dans who also works for Mark. There's also no room in the trunk, so ther body must be between Mark and Irene in the back, which is obviously uncomfortable. It begins to smell, so they stop by at a place and buy A LOT of air fresheners, lol.

an argument between dan and lupe.
dan: you're driving way too fast
lupe: my car my rules
dan: what about the rules of the road!
lupe: yak yak yak
dan: what?
lupe: yak yak yak, you're like a little girl scout?
dan: a what?
lupe: a girl scout
dan: did you just call me a girl scout?!
lupe: girl scout, you're a girl scout
dan: a fuckin girl scout?! what the fuck?!

PS-just finished watching the shawshank redemption. fuckin great movie.

The UserName
02-01-2004, 01:46 PM
Basically, i'm only having trouble with how and/or why Irene doesn't tell the cops on Mark when she sees her dead husband, and how and/or why she tags along to dispose of it..cause these two things don't seem too natural so im trying to figure out how to make it natural.

Also, after digging the body, how they both go depressed/kinda go insane, i'm tryin to work on that part.

by the way, THE SCRIPT IS PRACTICALLY TOTALLY DIFFERENT, PLEASE PEOPLE, LET GO OF MY PAST!

The UserName
02-08-2004, 07:20 PM
here's the firts two pages of my totally new script





FADE IN:

INT. IRENE’S HOUSE-NEW YEAR’S EVE

MARK, early 20’s, not tall, brown wavy hair, lounges by the table with the booze. He pours himself a shot and analyzes the room.

HOLLY, early 20’s, dirty blonde, hot, bipolar, chats with HAROLD, early 60’s, salt and pepper hair, aged skin, lively.

IRENE, early 60’s, dark hair (that’s put up), overweight (but not a tank), sits and eagerly watches the TV with a big, almost fake, smile drawn on her face.

Across the room, Holly feels Harold’s muscles jokingly. Harold, obviously, replies with a sarcastic reply and Holly flirtatiously hits him.

Mark chugs his alcohol in one gulp.

Mark makes his way across the room toward Holly and Harold. Holly is in an intimate conversation with Harold.

HOLLY
Oh, hello dear.

Holly returns to her conversation. Mark stands, totally rejected, with his cup in one hand and his other in his pocket. Mark makes his way toward Irene and takes a seat.

IRENE
It’s almost time.

MARK
Time for what?

IRENE
The new year.

MARK
Right, right.

IRENE
It will be Harold and I’s 43rd anniversary soon.

MARK
The big 4-3. That’s a long time.

IRENE
Yes, yes it is. But you know what they say, time flies when you’re having fun.

MARK
Do they say that?

Irene watches Harold with her big emotional eyes.

IRENE
Look at him.

MARK
Yeah?

IRENE
I love that man, so much.

MARK
He’s a nice guy.
IRENE
Yeah, he definitely is. You’re a nice guy too, you know.

MARK
I’m glad you think so.

IRENE
How about you and Holly, how are you two doing?

MARK
Dandy, just dandy.

Mark drinks another shot. The TV begins to countdown to 10.

Mark and Irene both get up and walk over to their spouses.

Harold happily puts his arm around Irene.

6…
5…

Mark puts his arm around Holly, she looks away, apathetically.

3…
2…
1…

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

Harold kisses Irene, her eyes flutter, her leg lifts.

Mark kisses Holly…his eyes are closed, passionately. Holly’s eyes are open and wander as they wait for the end of the kiss.

The two couple’s kiss…

CUT TO:

Ezikel
02-26-2004, 09:04 AM
Hello UserName,

sorry it took me so long to get around to reading your post but what with college, writing, last minute shoots and prepping my short for a film festival coming up soon I really haven't had a lot of time.

Posting ideas and prose versions of your work does not help us better understand your capabilities or your intentions in terms of screenwriting. You might be buzzing with a great idea that you know is excellent, but you've got to convince us that its woth our while reading it. Otherwise its like relating a phenominal dream to a friend who just nods and smiles but can't wait for you to finish.

Choose a tone. Experimentation is fine but you must have choose a tone that your script will have throughout. Once you've chosen it, stick with it. Also, genre. You can argue that something can be a romance/comedy/detective thriller but really there's grounding in one genre and then everything spirals off from there.

When you are writing dialogue, read it aloud to yourself. Do people really talk like this? Is this realistic? Will this make people want to gouge their eyes out in a cringing fit of frustratuion and heave them at the cinema screen? You want to be able to hit the ground running when relating your character by having the dialogue do the work for you. If I had to sum up your dialogue in one word it would be "corny". Thats not to put you down but something for you to stay as far away from as is fucking possible.

You have a naieve enthuasism that I believe is essential to all young writers but now you've got to prove yourself. You sent me e-mails asking me to read it and all I can really think of is, "read what?" I was expecting a finished screenplay that no one had bothered to read - not a scrappy self praising outline and a snippet of dialogue. I'm not being hyper critical man but you need to organise yourself better. Its good that you know the story and characters but now you've got to relate that story to us. I hope this helps.

Best of luck,

E.

The UserName
02-29-2004, 01:16 PM
Well, part of the point of the beginning was too be sarcastic and fake. Everybody's acting fake, except for Irene, who is jsut too nice and naive for her own good. Here's another two pages of my script.

Relate the story to you guys, how exactly?


CREDITS

INT. MARK/HOLLY’S HOUSE-KITCHEN-MORNING

Mark and Holly sit across from each other. Holly seems a little too focused on her food. Mark occasionally looks up.

Mark looks up and Holly catches his stare.

HOLLY
What?!

MARK
Nothing!

The silence continues.

MARK
So, uhh, uhh, how about them Yankees?

CUT TO:

EXT. MARK/HOLLY’S HOUSE-DAY

Mark makes his way toward the trash can with a huge bag full of trash. Irene is dragging hers at the same time.

MARK
Need help?

IRENE
No, I’ve got it.

Mark ignores her and takes her bag. Irene chases after him.

MARK
Listen, I’m really sorry for New Year’s Eve. You don’t deserve that.

IRENE
Oh please, it was like water off of a duck’s back.

MARK
I’ve been frustrated.

IRENE
Work?

MARK
I wish. Can we not talk about this?

IRENE
I’ve got to get going anyway.

MARK
Where to?

IRENE
I’m going to go looking for an anniversary present for Harold.

MARK
Isn’t your anniversary in six months?

IRENE
I need the present to be perfect.

MARK
I see.

IRENE
Why don’t you go get something for Holly?

MARK
I do, I have, and it makes no difference.

CUT TO:

INT. MARK/HOLLY’S HOUSE-BEDROOM-NIGHT

Mark and Holly lay in bed. Holly turns and faces the other way, Mark puts arm around her, begins kissing her neck. He slides under the sheets and slides down, down between here legs.

Holly looks at her nails. Eventually, she picks up the magazine next to the bed and begins reading.

CUT TO:

Ezikel
02-29-2004, 06:02 PM
Originally posted by The UserName
Relate the story to you guys, how exactly?



Try writing a complete screenplay as opposed to posting scrappy scenes in no particular order and expecting us to be clued in to what you're thinking.

inglourious basterd
03-01-2004, 10:59 PM
I agree with Ezikel. There is no point in asking us about every scene individually. EVEN IF every scene of your script is immaculately written, it does not guarantee that your movie will be good. The quality of your film has to do with how well your film is written as a whole.

The UserName
03-28-2004, 12:12 PM
I have basically decided to drop this script. I have realized how hopelesss it ahs become, sicne ive been working on it for so long without an open mind. i am currently working on another script, i just may psot the first 12 pages soon.