Saved?

[MisterKeitel]

Short Romantic / Comedy

It starts with a teenege boy and girl coming out of church, they like each other, smiling, laughing, holding hands. Two nice looking Christian kids in love - or so it seems.

They run to his mom and dad's house to do "Bible Study." But when they get there, no parents. That's when the boy confeses that the parents are on a three day trip to see his grandmother and he's stayed behind to watch over the dog.

And, that he was hoping that the girl would be interested in making out with him and -maybe- having sex with him.

She gets mad and they have an argument. And during the course of the argument they both confess something very hurtful to the other. That A.) He only pretended to get "Saved" so he could get her to like him. And, B.) She only pretended to like him so that she could "Save" him.

We'll they're both really shell shocked after this. And, the rest of the story is them "really" talking about what they want with each other. Stay together? Move appart?

[Ronaldinho]

I really like it.

BUT

Less is more. You're treading on dangerous ground here, because this could be really talky.

I'd encourage you to get to the end of the piece within AT ABSOLTUE MOST a page from the second revelation ("I only pretended to like you to save your soul") and there shouldn't be a lot of talk. You should challange yourself here: "can I get to fade out" in half a page from that?

This is the kind of thing that will be ruined by too much sincerity at the end.

[Ronaldinho]

Okay, I had a thought about your ending.

The end of the story has to be each of them learning something about themselves that they didn't expect. Having them tell each other how they really feel will be boring as all hell (especially because they've already done it.)

But somehow, in their final interaction, they have to surprise themselves. Maybe she's lying to herself about just wanting to save him-- maybe he's lying to her about just wanting to get laid. I don't know. But you need a button-- a kicker of some sort at the end, and I think it's got to be some sort of self-revelation; something they didn't know about themselves that's brought out by the situation.

Write this. I want to read it. :) Keep it short, simple. This is going to be a hard piece to do well (you're going to flirt with being too talky-- it's the risk in herent in the material). But it's a really good idea.

[yldii]

That is without a doubt the best concept (next to mine of corse LOL) I have seen on any of the boards I've looked on. Its fresh and fun.

Bravo.
Good luck with it.

[C-Desecration-]

edit

I misread something.