Need some feedback.

[Begbie2004]

I am currently writing a screenplay. I am halfway done and have the whole thing in my head. It sounds original to me but I'd like some feedback wether or not it would make a good film.

The story of a good criminal taking on a bad cop.

For years, detective Lenny Smith has been a force not to be reckoned with in Little Italy. He is no better than the drug dealers, murderers, junkies, pimps, and thugs who pollute the streets of this once great neighborhood. From stealing evidence money and retrieved narcotics, to murdering innocent witnesses and fellow police officers, Smith has broken every rule in the book. Even the criminals are scared of him. After a botched drug deal, where Smith tried to sell stolen drugs back to the people he stole it from, he ends up killing three gangsters from the Salvatore crime family. One of the victims is Steve Demartino. Enter Joey Demartino, a small time hood from Brooklyn who grew up in little italy. Upon hearing news of his brothers death he moves back into his old neighborhood. An old friend tells him who is responsible for the murder and Joey decides to kill Smith. He is talked out of it by a few gangsters who worked with his brother, saying he is a very powerful and dangerous man. Joey, having already been in prison, decides against it. He comforts his mother and takes a liking to Jennifer, a girl from the neighborhood he knew back when he was a kid. They get to know each other and end up falling in love. After Joey and a few other friends of his from the neighborhood are picked up on a false charge of drunk driving, Smith plants cocaine on the other gangsters. Joey tries very hard to restrain himself from punching Smith after Smith insults him and says how much he enjoyed killing his brother. Smith decides to let Joey go but the others are arrested. Joey gets together a small group of hoods to try and put SMith away for good without using murder. Joey never liked killing anybody who didn't deserve it but Smith deserved and he was untouchable. Joey prays to the priest and confesses all his sins as the other gangsters arrange a cocaine deal with Smith and some other crooked cops. During the deal, one of the cops open fire and a big gunfight ensues. Smith escapes but Joey follows him. He chases Smith through the apartment buildings and rooftops until he opens fire on the crooked lieutenant and he falls down. He confronts the man who killed his brother and shoots him in the kidneys. Smith begs Joey to kill him and rid him of the pain of the bleeding but Joey refuses and Smith eventually dies a painful death. Joey takes the money from the Lieutenant and he gives half to the church and the other half to Jennifer who wants to go to college. He then leaves Little italy and goes on with his life.

It's still a work in progress but I'll be happy to hear any opinions.

[Ronaldinho]

This is something I ask a lot of schmoes when they pitch a genre-centered idea like this one.

What makes this script uniquely yours? What makes it such that no-one else could write it? What unique insight into the gangster life do you have that allows you to write this story the way nobody else could write it? What's unique about your point of view?

You must have good answers to these questions before you tackle a genre-oriented piece, unless you want it to come out very generic.

[Begbie2004]

I want this movie to be very gritty and dark and in my script I try to utilize techniques that David mamet and Quentin tarantino use when they write a script. I Want to tell this story from two different points of views, that of the cop and of Joey. I've seen enough movies and read enough books about gangsters and the mafia to understand the basic fulcrum of mob life as well as operations. I want Joey to be the good guy in this and even though he is a criminal he does have many redeeming qualities such as his charitable nature. I want to portray the Smith character as a very bad, messed up, cop. My influence for the character was that of Harvey keitels in Bad Lieutenant. I want to pack suspense into as many scenes as possible but all in all I just want to tell a story of good and evil.

[Maestro]

Additionally, too much black. White space aids the reader. While not as critical as it is in screenplays, it's also true in prose.

Maestro

[Ronaldinho]

I've seen enough movies and read enough books about gangsters and the mafia to understand the basic fulcrum of mob life as well as operations.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. This is EXACTLY why I asked this question.

The problem is that everybody who would be excited about helping to make a movie like this has seen all of the exact same gangster movies that you have. Chances are they've read most of the same books you have, too. So they're going to pick up your script and wonder, "what new does this guy bring to the table?"

You say your influenced by Mamet and Tarantino. Okay-- but think about that for a second. Mamet and Tarantino are two people who have exceptionally unique voices. You can hear Mamet a mile away, AND Tarantino, well, let's just say it's not too hard to figure out which scenes in movies he helped rewrite are the ones he wrote.

Mamet and Tarantino, without those original voices-- that almost patented style, are in many ways very conventional writers. But that voice-- hey, it's great.

So that begs the question, do you have a voice that's equally unique?

I'm pretty convinced that everyone has, somewhere inside them, a film that only they could write. A voice that's all their own. And for you, no offense, but I don't think this is that film. I think this is a film that just about anyone could write and it'd come out about the same.

And, personally, I think you should be pushing yourself harder to find something more unique, so you're not writing warmed-over Mamantino.

When I talk about what point of view you're approaching this from, furthermore, I'm not talking about which character. I'm talking about you: how do you feel about this material, and how does that feeling express itself through the piece. After reading this script, what insight am I going to have into what's important to you, and what kind of person you are.