ManWithoutFear
01-25-2004, 07:10 PM
1. Return Of The King Aftermath
Date: December 17th 2003
Time: 3:15pm
Location: OLD BILL’S CINEMATORIUM
EXT. OLD BIL''S CINEMATORIUM - DAY (3:15PM)
The doors open, and out step a steady stream of satisfied cinemagoers, fresh from an exodus to the final film in the epic Lord Of The Rings saga. Some are happy, some are sad, but all are joint in their appreciation of the film as an art form.
All except Harry Combs (wise-ass; twenty), who sums up his views in one succinct phrase.
HARRY
Une filme sucketh le merde.
He walks along the street outside the cinema, followed by his best friend Jack Wilkes (straight-laced; twenty-one). His friend plays the role of the informed.
JACK
First off, that isn’t French. If you want to insult a film in a foreign tongue, at least have a pre-ordained knowledge of the text. Second, that film defies the laws of cinema. It is the final part of a trilogy that doesn’t suck. Tis a pity the Wachowski Boys fell down with Revolutions.
HARRY
Revolutions kicked ass. ROTK sucked ass.
JACK
In your opinion.
HARRY
(as Jack)
‘In your opinion.’
(as himself)
I’ll have you know my opinion holds a lot of weight in this town.
JACK
Then I guess it’s good for me that we aren’t at the Black Market. I never was a fan of drive-bys and bootlegs.
HARRY
I have seen the light my friend.
JACK
Of Illendil?
HARRY
(dismissive)
That Fanboy jargon doesn’t square with me.
JACK
(insistent)
I’m not a Fanboy.
HARRY
No. Then riddle me this Batman. Why do you defend a film that you know in your heart sucks?
JACK
I liked it.
HARRY
Yeah, and the Pope doesn’t shit in the wood.
JACK
Of course he doesn’t. There aren’t any woods surrounding the Vatican.
(beat)
Okay. I’ll humour you. Why did the film, in your opinion, not work?
HARRY
The ending.
JACK
The Ending?
HARRY
What is this?
(as Jack)
‘The Ending.’
(as himself)
Quite repeating what I say. The ending was derivative to the whole thing. I can appreciate the whole Middle Earth being in Jeopardy angle. So why go insult mine, and every other concerned cinemagoers, intelligence, by putting on a display of saccharine not seen since Coppolla’s Jack.
JACK
Oh come on, nothing could be that saccharine.
HARRY
(seeing Jack’s point)
Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that I was three seconds from pissing myself with laughter.
JACK
It was overlong… but a bad ending does not ruin a film.
HARRY
I digress. My real beef is with the formal aesthetic.
JACK
Ah ha. You can’t critique the filmmakers. They had a source text in the work of Tolkien. They couldn’t deviate too far from that, without losing the book’s spirit, for fear of alienating the fan-base.
HARRY
Tolkien was a crackpot, and his story holds several fundamental flaws.
JACK
It was voted Britain’s Favourite Book for a reason.
HARRY
Because it’s a sprawling adventure, and isn’t Science Fiction.
JACK
I don’t follow.
HARRY
Have you ever heard of Terry Brooks?
JACK
In passing.
HARRY
That’s the problem. Terry Brooks is an amazing writer, but a writer of Science Fiction. As a writer in this field, he never receives the proper kudos he deserves. But because Tolkien wrote a sprawling adventure he gets his dead ass kissed by the press.
JACK
This rant is crass and immature.
HARRY
Kiss my ass Jack. You know I speak the truth. In no other trilogy –book or film – that I know of, does not a single main character die.
JACK
Gollum dies.
HARRY
Yeah, but you could argue that his death actually occurred many years ago, and is not properly displayed on screen. Physically, and definitely spiritually he was dead, but he hung on mentally.
JACK
Okay. What about Star Wars?
HARRY
Please. In A New Hope Obi-Wan dies. In Empire Strikes Back – well, no one dies in that, though Han is frozen in carbonate – and in Return Of The Jedi, Yoda, Darth Vader, and the Emperor all shuffle loose the mortal coil.
JACK
Does this Kevin Smith style rant have a point?
HARRY
The reason I cannot relate to the books – and ergo the films – is because everything is wrapped up so neatly. Good triumphs over evil… Even in the final battle to end all battles, where every one is meant to die, none of the peripheral characters does. And before you say it, Theoden was a main character, but I attribute the emotional impact of his death more to the skill of Bernard Hill as an actor, than to the film’s characterisation.
JACK
(stunned; to himself)
Wow. I’m home.
He walks off, smiling all the way. Harry remains where he is for a beat, takes a sip from his small coke, and looks o.c. after Jack.
HARRY
(shrugs; o.c.)
Hey. Wait up.
Harry walks off after Jack.
Date: December 17th 2003
Time: 3:15pm
Location: OLD BILL’S CINEMATORIUM
EXT. OLD BIL''S CINEMATORIUM - DAY (3:15PM)
The doors open, and out step a steady stream of satisfied cinemagoers, fresh from an exodus to the final film in the epic Lord Of The Rings saga. Some are happy, some are sad, but all are joint in their appreciation of the film as an art form.
All except Harry Combs (wise-ass; twenty), who sums up his views in one succinct phrase.
HARRY
Une filme sucketh le merde.
He walks along the street outside the cinema, followed by his best friend Jack Wilkes (straight-laced; twenty-one). His friend plays the role of the informed.
JACK
First off, that isn’t French. If you want to insult a film in a foreign tongue, at least have a pre-ordained knowledge of the text. Second, that film defies the laws of cinema. It is the final part of a trilogy that doesn’t suck. Tis a pity the Wachowski Boys fell down with Revolutions.
HARRY
Revolutions kicked ass. ROTK sucked ass.
JACK
In your opinion.
HARRY
(as Jack)
‘In your opinion.’
(as himself)
I’ll have you know my opinion holds a lot of weight in this town.
JACK
Then I guess it’s good for me that we aren’t at the Black Market. I never was a fan of drive-bys and bootlegs.
HARRY
I have seen the light my friend.
JACK
Of Illendil?
HARRY
(dismissive)
That Fanboy jargon doesn’t square with me.
JACK
(insistent)
I’m not a Fanboy.
HARRY
No. Then riddle me this Batman. Why do you defend a film that you know in your heart sucks?
JACK
I liked it.
HARRY
Yeah, and the Pope doesn’t shit in the wood.
JACK
Of course he doesn’t. There aren’t any woods surrounding the Vatican.
(beat)
Okay. I’ll humour you. Why did the film, in your opinion, not work?
HARRY
The ending.
JACK
The Ending?
HARRY
What is this?
(as Jack)
‘The Ending.’
(as himself)
Quite repeating what I say. The ending was derivative to the whole thing. I can appreciate the whole Middle Earth being in Jeopardy angle. So why go insult mine, and every other concerned cinemagoers, intelligence, by putting on a display of saccharine not seen since Coppolla’s Jack.
JACK
Oh come on, nothing could be that saccharine.
HARRY
(seeing Jack’s point)
Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is that I was three seconds from pissing myself with laughter.
JACK
It was overlong… but a bad ending does not ruin a film.
HARRY
I digress. My real beef is with the formal aesthetic.
JACK
Ah ha. You can’t critique the filmmakers. They had a source text in the work of Tolkien. They couldn’t deviate too far from that, without losing the book’s spirit, for fear of alienating the fan-base.
HARRY
Tolkien was a crackpot, and his story holds several fundamental flaws.
JACK
It was voted Britain’s Favourite Book for a reason.
HARRY
Because it’s a sprawling adventure, and isn’t Science Fiction.
JACK
I don’t follow.
HARRY
Have you ever heard of Terry Brooks?
JACK
In passing.
HARRY
That’s the problem. Terry Brooks is an amazing writer, but a writer of Science Fiction. As a writer in this field, he never receives the proper kudos he deserves. But because Tolkien wrote a sprawling adventure he gets his dead ass kissed by the press.
JACK
This rant is crass and immature.
HARRY
Kiss my ass Jack. You know I speak the truth. In no other trilogy –book or film – that I know of, does not a single main character die.
JACK
Gollum dies.
HARRY
Yeah, but you could argue that his death actually occurred many years ago, and is not properly displayed on screen. Physically, and definitely spiritually he was dead, but he hung on mentally.
JACK
Okay. What about Star Wars?
HARRY
Please. In A New Hope Obi-Wan dies. In Empire Strikes Back – well, no one dies in that, though Han is frozen in carbonate – and in Return Of The Jedi, Yoda, Darth Vader, and the Emperor all shuffle loose the mortal coil.
JACK
Does this Kevin Smith style rant have a point?
HARRY
The reason I cannot relate to the books – and ergo the films – is because everything is wrapped up so neatly. Good triumphs over evil… Even in the final battle to end all battles, where every one is meant to die, none of the peripheral characters does. And before you say it, Theoden was a main character, but I attribute the emotional impact of his death more to the skill of Bernard Hill as an actor, than to the film’s characterisation.
JACK
(stunned; to himself)
Wow. I’m home.
He walks off, smiling all the way. Harry remains where he is for a beat, takes a sip from his small coke, and looks o.c. after Jack.
HARRY
(shrugs; o.c.)
Hey. Wait up.
Harry walks off after Jack.