First couple of pages from script - Reviews please :)

[Kastman]

Hey people...


As soe of you may have gathered upon reading a diferent thread in this forum I am starting to write a teen comedy/drama script. I would like to hear (read, if you will) any opions on the first few pages I have done. I have done more than these first few pages, but I'm not going to post the whole lot.

ok here we go.... 5...4....3....2....1....:


INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY

EDDIE LYNCH, a 15 year old, well dressed teenager stands at the
front counter of the video store next to a pile of videos,
checking each one out. The store is very quiet, and the sounds of
people leading normal lives outside breathe very little life into
the store. There is one CUSTOMER wandering around the aisles
looking at videos. Eddie stares at the man as he wanders over to
the adult section, stops and looks around. He notices that Eddie
is watching, Eddie smiles and waves, the man heads in a different
direction.

EDDIE (VO)
I hate summer.

The customer walks over to the counter.

EDDIE
Hello sir, how can I help you?

CUSTOMER
Uh yeah I was just wondering if you have that
new movie with that funny guy in it?

EDDIE (VO)
And yet again, it's dickhead alert.

EDDIE
I'm sorry you'll have to be more specific, I
mean there is a lot of new movies with cool
guys in them.

CUSTOMER
You know the one with that guy in the car,
and does all those stunts.

EDDIE
I have no clue what you are talking about
man.

CUSTOMER
I just need one that my girlfriend will hate
so she will want to do other things than
watch the movie.

The customer winks at Eddie.

EDDIE
I know exactly what type of movie you will
need. Hold on I'll go grab a copy for you.

Eddie walks off to another pile of movies in the new release
section.

EDDIE (VO)
What sort of asshole comes in and asks a
stupid question like that? He's either
stoned, deliberately being an ass, or he's
stupid. I'll go with option c. I'll show this
guy. His girlfriend will love this.

Eddie grabs a movie titled "Erotic Tales: Volume 1" and takes off
the cover. He walks back to the counter and puts tape over the
disc to cover up the title.

EDDIE
Will that be all?

CUSTOMER
Yeah thanks.

INT. LYNCH FAMILY ROOM - DAY

ROB and NICKI LYNCH, Eddie's parents, both in their mid 40's sit
on the couch in a well decorated lounge room. Rob is watching
television and Nicki reads a book entitled "Men are from Mars,
women are from Venus". Rob looks back and forth at Nicki and the
television.

ROB
You know, both the boys are out. Eddie's
working, and Ben is at his friends house.

NICKI
(sarcastic)
Gee Rob, I was unaware.

ROB
Well we haven't really gotten close for a
while have we?

NICKI
What?

ROB
We haven't, you know?

NICKI
It's the middle of the day.

ROB
That's no excuse. Come on, we barely ever do
it anymore. We are getting to the twice a
month stage. That's a bad stage to be in,
especially this time of year.

NICKI
Well, ok.

Nicki puts down her book, and Rob turns off the television. They
both walk upstairs, without a hint of excitement in them.

INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY

The customer takes his dvd and walks out of the store. Just as
Eddie starts checking out movies again, MARK HILL skates into the
store on a skateboard, looking stoned off his face.

MARK
Hey dude. Where is your adult section?

EDDIE
It's right at the back.

Mark skates off down the aisles.

INT. LYNCH PARENT'S BEDROOM - DAY

Rob is lying in the bed not looking excited, or even happy. Under
the sheets is Nicki, she is bobbing up and down repeatedly. She
suddenly pops up.

NICKI
What am I supposed to do with that?

ROB
Do with what?

NICKI
It's been limp the whole time.

ROB
Maybe you just ain't doing it right.

NICKI
Say that again and you won't ever get sex
again.

ROB
Oh wait. I know what the problem is.

Rob opens the drawer next to the bed and pulls out viagra.

INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY

Eddie has gone back to checking out movies, Mark skates back up
the aisles holding dvds. He puts them on the counter and Eddie
picks them up.

EDDIE
Erotic tales, volumes two, three and four?

MARK
Yeah man. It's going to be a lonely night
tonight, so I need some material.

EDDIE
You do know you have to be 17 to rent these
out?

MARK
Yeah.

EDDIE
And you are how old?

MARK
17.

EDDIE
Mark, you go to my school. You are in my
grade. I know for a fact that you aren't 17.

MARK
Oh come on man just let me get these movies,
I promise I won't tell anybody.

EDDIE (VO)
I know I can get fired if I let him rent
these movies out. The question is, can I
trust a stoner who doesn't remember anything?

EDDIE
What the hell, you can take them.

EXT. ALLMAN HOUSE - DAY

A cab pulls up right out front of a large, double storey, very
nice looking house. The garden is spectacular, and there is two
cars parked in the garage, which is open. PHOEBE ALLMAN, a 15
year old absolutely gorgeous brunette, gets out of the cab and
looks up at the house.

PHOEBE
Finally, home sweet home.

The CAB DRIVER gets out and opens the back. He gets out two suit
cases and puts them down beside Phoebe.

CAB DRIVER
Do you need help carrying those in?

PHOEBE
No thanks, I've got it.

The cab driver gets back in his car. Phoebe gets some money out
of her pocket and counts it. She hands the money to the cab
driver, and he counts it.

PHOEBE
You can keep the change.

Phoebe picks up the two suit cases.

CAB DRIVER
There is no change.

PHOEBE
Oh well, better luck next time.

CAB DRIVER
Jerk.

The cab speeds off down the road. Phoebe walks toward the house.




And that be all of this section.

So what are your thoughts?

Any technical problems I have encountered un-knowingly?
Is the script itself even interesting?
Does the dialogue sound realistic?
Ok, i'll stop with the qustions, please review this and criticise as you see fit.

Thanks, Kastman :cool:

[Beeblebrox]

Is the script itself even interesting?

Personally? No. I didn't really respond to it. The first scene was a tired, tired, tired premise, the contemptuous clerk and the stupid customer.

The second scene I just didn't buy. I don't know any 40 year olds who talk like that. And twice a month doesn't seem all that unusual. But you could probably do a little research there.

The last two scenes were okay, but it's hard to know what they contribute to the story so far.

Overall, it's not the most original or page-turning first two pages I've ever read.

[Kastman]

Is the script itself even interesting?

Personally? No. I didn't really respond to it. The first scene was a tired, tired, tired premise, the contemptuous clerk and the stupid customer.


Yeah sorry about that. He works in a video store, and well I wanted somethign cool to happen there. But honestly (een though i havent sen as many films as lots of people here) i havent seen a movie that does this thats why i thought it was ok to put it in...


The second scene I just didn't buy. I don't know any 40 year olds who talk like that. And twice a month doesn't seem all that unusual. But you could probably do a little research there.


I'm making this couple not the *normal* couple. During this script they are constantly trying to spice up their sex life, and I want it to start from the male (rob) who wants more, and well imm not 40 so i can handle not making thje dialogue realistic.


The last two scenes were okay, but it's hard to know what they contribute to the story so far.


They don't contribute a big amount to the story, but the scene with the stoner and phoebe are basically showing what they do in their summer time. Because thats what the openng scenes are about the summer holidays, nd the change into going back to school and hating it.


Overall, it's not the most original or page-turning first two pages I've ever read.

D'oh... :D

[Cyd V]

Originally posted by Kastman
Yeah sorry about that. He works in a video store, and well I wanted somethign cool to happen there. But honestly (een though i havent sen as many films as lots of people here) i havent seen a movie that does this thats why i thought it was ok to put it in.

Check out the movie clerks, i thought for sure you were trying to write clerks 2, or something...

[Ronaldinho]

Okay, first things first, the video clerk scene.

First off, can the VO. Remove it all, and look at the scene again.

Notice something?

It works better. We identify with eddie more. We don't miss ANY of the story beats.

This is a great example of a unneccesary VO, not because it's terrible, but because it's telling us things that the scene is already showing us. Instead of bringing us closer to eddie, which I suspect was your intent, it puts a wall between us and him because we can't experience the moments he's experiencing becuase he won't shut up.

Nevertheless, with the exception of the first bit ("I hate summer"), you did something right. Every place there's a VO is a place where it's appropriate for Eddie to be having a reaction to something going on. So I think you've got a sense of timing and where the jokes are-- but the problem is that his reactions will be funnier if we feel them with him, rather than if he tells them to us.

The scene with the parents could but funny, but never quite goes anywhere.
There are too problems I see with it. First of all, she comes right out and says, "it's been limp the whole time." Imply that. Let them say everything but that. Let her build up to it.

Furthermore, by starting with her giving him head, you don't giveyourself much room for the scene to build. That last thing that's going to happen is the viagra, right? So rather than have a little short arguement that makes no sense and escalates weirdly, stretch it out. Think of all the things they could be trying to do to get him hard before he says, "Oh, maybe that viagra would help."

[Kastman]

Thanks for the advice peoples, I will be getting right onto it.

- the stupid customer thing will go, and do you think i should try and think of something funny to do or have the customer be just normal. And i see what you mean by the VO thing Ron, i have been watching scrubs a lot recently, and thats rubbed off on me a little bit.

- Thanks for the help with the bedroom scene too, my main problem is i couldnt think how to make it funny, the only line i wanted to use was "maybe you aint doing it right" form rob, i thought that was cool, and thats what i cam up with. the reason i think that it speeds up so much is that im trying to at least write my script in the same ballpark length wise as most but im close to 40 pages in and i have A LOT more to get through, so i tried to cut it down.

- I just thought of something for the video store, do you think it would be better to have someone working with Eddie there, so instead of having the customer, he could be talking to a fellow employee?

[AceD]

Have you worked in a video store? I have (I now manage one), and like the others said the dumb-customer thing was a little tired. It can be a funny setting, but you need to play to the specifics of video stores more...such as the way customers look down on clerks, and the way they complain about late fees. I loved your timing with your jokes...but I agree with Ronaldinho
that they would work better if you cut the VO.

[Cyd V]

Originally posted by Kastman


- I just thought of something for the video store, do you think it would be better to have someone working with Eddie there, so instead of having the customer, he could be talking to a fellow employee?

*SARCASM ALERT*

Yeah, but change Eddie's name to Randal, and his buddy could be Dante...:eek:

[Beeblebrox]

Originally posted by Kastman
- Thanks for the help with the bedroom scene too, my main problem is i couldnt think how to make it funny, the only line i wanted to use was "maybe you aint doing it right" form rob, i thought that was cool, and thats what i cam up with. the reason i think that it speeds up so much is that im trying to at least write my script in the same ballpark length wise as most but im close to 40 pages in and i have A LOT more to get through, so i tried to cut it down.

There's a similar situation to this in Something's Gotta Give. Instead of coming right out and talking about sex, they came up with a metaphor. That can a lot funnier than simply describing sex. Seinfeld did this all the time.

[Ronaldinho]

- Thanks for the help with the bedroom scene too, my main problem is i couldnt think how to make it funny, the only line i wanted to use was "maybe you aint doing it right" form rob, i thought that was cool, and thats what i cam up with. the reason i think that it speeds up so much is that im trying to at least write my script in the same ballpark length wise as most but im close to 40 pages in and i have A LOT more to get through, so i tried to cut it down.


With the understanding that everyone's process is different, I want to say that it's usually better to write your first draft out--making sure you hit every note-- and then cut it back.

Of course, to do that you have to have the discipline to be able to cut effectively, but I don't freka out when I produce a 130, 140, or 150 page first draft.

Because I know there's going to be a lot of fat.

What you need to be wary of is that you write 40 pages, and you realize that you're already 10 pages long, so you start rushing. Then after 90 pages you're 20 pages long. So you really rush-- and you can feel the rushed quality when you read it.

So let it go long. Then get out the pruning shears.

[Kastman]

Originally posted by Cyd V
*SARCASM ALERT*

Yeah, but change Eddie's name to Randal, and his buddy could be Dante...:eek:

Well you have been a REAL help for me today havent you?

Just to point out, Eddie gets fired from the video store about 4 scenes from now, so it's not copying clerks.

[Ronaldinho]

Well, whether or not it becomes apparant that you're not copying clerks four scenes from now, if people really feel that way now (and I only sort of did-- it wasn't that big a deal for me, compared to the other problems) then they'll never get to that point four scenes from now.

So you've got to be careful.

[Kastman]

Yeah I see what you mean, but I really don't think the fact that i will have two people working at a video store is copying clerks, the idea may be similar but the content and dialogue and stufff is all different.