Dark Times - A Script - Please Help

[adamjohnson]

Dark Times is my premiere horror script. The big 3 on the screenwriting forum know their stuff, but horror fans know thier horror stuff just as well!

I am calling out for some assistance here, schmoes. If you would please, could you read my script at the link below and critique it for me? I mean really tear into me, I've been a writer for five years now so I can take the harshest of harsh, so dont hold back!

Thanks guys. I know you schm'orros (Schmoe horrors) wont let me down. Dark Times (http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/darktimes.html)

[C-Desecration-]

You know Adam, could you maybe give us some scenes you're particularly worried about? Or dialogue? Plot? Putting the whole script is fine, but I for one would never read through the whole thing. I'm sure a lot of other people wouldn't either.

But since I checked out the beginning, here's some problems:


"STEVE
Oh my God. Terri! Oh God. Terri, no! Please no!"
No good. Acted out that COULD work, but generally in scenes of high emotion many of the "oh no's/whatever" are improvised by the actors, and to great effect. It would read MUCH better if you use his facial expressions to convey some pain. Nix the dialogue entirey.
I've always been partial to the "dazed" and confused" response to grief, where the person basically looks totally lost, looking everywhere at once, face pale, eyes wide, etc.

"Her face is darker, evil. Her brow
focuses to a point in the center of her head. The area around her eyes
is dark, scary."
The beginning sentence (her face is darker, evil) is useless. You describe the 'darkness' and 'evilness' in the next few sentences, so it's pointless. Like saying "He's sad. His eyes are watering and his hands are shaking"--you wouldn't need the 'he's sad' bit.

I'm not on here for very long right now, so I stopped as soon as you went to the garage. I will say that the 'dream' of his daughter a some demonic thing with a butcher's knife seems a little tired. Then again, I don't know the story, so take that with a grain of salt.
I'd just like to see something more unique in that sequence.

[adamjohnson]

Oh, i forgot to mention that even though this certainly isnt a first draft this is help for the rewrite im doing, which is going to be an entire overhaul.

For instance, Terri isnt shot in the carnival, she isnt even shot. They go back to their bedroom, ready for some celebratin since shes pregnant, they set up, the uh, video camera. *Ahem*. Steve leaves and when he returns it looks like she is having some kind oif heart attack, grabbing her chest viciously. (Of course, its really the villian we meet later, and Steves memory, like the memory of Ashleys new school (Wait on that one) was both hidden from him by the villian and repressed by Steve himself to help him grieve.) The Villian was killing him, reaching into her chest style, to bring him to the town. You might need to read some more to understand that.

[C-Desecration-]

I'm not really qualified to make this observation or anything, but . . . for what it's worth, what I read was VERY well-written. FLowed nice and everything.

So . . . props.

[darchangel]

kind of sounds like an amalgam of most survival horror games...


i definitely saw elements of:

Silent Hill
Resident Evil
ClockTower series


not that it's a bad thing...


it seemed like a neat premise, but as a general rule, i don't like "dream within a dream" sequences in films...the multiple "wake ups" make me lightheaded...;)



Death to Beth

~darchangel~

[adamjohnson]

BUMP!

[X-Nightcrawler]

I so agree with C. This is well written stuff (except for the directorial things which are a no-no). *hangs head in shame*.

Before I tell you anything, I want to advice against putting it in simplyscripts.com Something is off about publishing work on the net, I don't know how a studio would take that but that's just me.

Also, it's only 6something pages long, most scripts are at least 90 pages long (" . . . and half of these pages are drawings of the time machine" :D).

Now, reading . . .

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by X-Nightcrawler
Before I tell you anything, I want to advice against putting it in simplyscripts.com Something is off about publishing work on the net, I don't know how a studio would take that but that's just me.
[/B]

If I want, I can have them take it off.

Also, Im changing the title. TO me, its just cliche. Titles of thought right now:

THE CHOSEN
TOWN AMIDST THE FOG
7:06

Suggestions??

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by adamjohnson
7:06 Gold.

[fwasaint]

Post this at www.zoetrope.com it's the best of the best man . Francis Ford Coppala(?) website for writers to post their work . Great people their with going over work with writers . It's free and well worth your time . A lot of horror writers go there . PM me if you sign up there , there's some great offices(private boards) for horror writers . Plus it's a great place to spread your work out to the masses .

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by fwasaint
Post this at www.zoetrope.com it's the best of the best man . Francis Ford Coppala(?) website for writers to post their work . Great people their with going over work with writers . It's free and well worth your time . A lot of horror writers go there . PM me if you sign up there , there's some great offices(private boards) for horror writers . Plus it's a great place to spread your work out to the masses . Aye, Zoetrope kicks ass. I got a 6.7 in my Omega as an overall review. it's very very helpful and best of all . . . free.

[C-Desecration-]

I think zeotrope's pretty much bull.
Yeah, I've never been there or used the place, so what?
. . .
. . .

Anyways, don't listen to X, adam. 7:06 is pretty awful. Actually, I thought all the alternate names you gave were bad (as is "dark times'). If you want suggestions that just tell us what you want the title to reflect. What symbolism, or message, or imagery, or whatever.

[adamjohnson]

Well, either the town itself, which is an enormous part of the script. Or some thing that has to do with Ashley. Or preferably both.

I had some others

sevenosix
The Nursery
TOWN AMIDST THE FOF
TOWN BENEATH THE FOG
WELCOME HOME
LOST

Theyre all pretty average.

Also, I use Triggerstreet. Zoetrope makes you review four scripts before you can post where as trigger ony does two. But once I have the time, next week when schoolsd over, I plan on Zoetrope.

[fwasaint]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
I think zeotrope's pretty much bull.
Yeah, I've never been there or used the place, so what?
. . .
. . .

Anyways, don't listen to X, adam. 7:06 is pretty awful. Actually, I thought all the alternate names you gave were bad (as is "dark times'). If you want suggestions that just tell us what you want the title to reflect. What symbolism, or message, or imagery, or whatever.

ok....your opinion I guess . Anyways they have that system where you have to review four or five stories to make everyone that plans on posting their stories has to partake on the other end . If everyone just posted stories and only five people reviewed it would be pretty shitty . Anyways i'll look forward to seeing ya there man . Oh yeah..don't listen to a word C-Desecration says . How can you form an opinion on something when you've never experienced it yourself ?

[C-Desecration-]

Oh yeah..don't listen to a word C-Desecration says . How can you form an opinion on something when you've never experienced it yourself ?


Because I'm an arrogant, self-absorbed know-it-all, that's why.
Sheesh . . .

And the whole thing was kind of a joke. I was meaning it in a . . . jesting manner. Though I do not like zeotrope (I'm naturally suspicious of places like that).

[X-Nightcrawler]

You're suspicious of dogs with shifty eyes C . . .

[adamjohnson]

New opening scene. Hot off the press! Better? Worse? Your thoughts.




FADE IN:

BLACK SCREEN

SUPER: IN WHITE, BIBLICAL LETTERS:
"For the son dishonereth the father, the
daughter riseth up against her mother, the
daughter in law against her mother in law; a
man's enemies are the men of his own
house." - - Micah. Chapter 7. Verse 6.

A well of joyous laughter slowly rises from somewhere distant.

The word "verse" fades, and is replaced by a colon.

SUPER: IN WHITE, BIBLICAL LETTERS:

7:06.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - NIGHT

A very Philadelphia style neighborhood. A lot of small homes,
crammed together.

The sound of laughter rises once again. A woman, TERRI, and a
man, STEVE, walk down the sidewalk, laughing.

Terri holds on to Steve's arm to steady him as he walks.

A MAN with long, black hair walks down the sidewalk in the
opposite direction. He's wearing a very long, black coat. Steve is
on course to run into him and--

JUMP CUT

An instant later, Terri and Steve are laughing, heading up the
steps to their front door.

The man in black continues to walk, his hair frazzled by something. His face was never visible.

TERRI
Come on, nerd. We're home.

They go inside.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Steve has on a different shirt, a more comfortable one, than he
had on. Steve is in early forties, in shape but not powerful, with
fading borwn hair, and eyes focused from years of study. His
Rolling Stones t-shirt declares that for him.

Terri sits on the couch in front of the fire, still wearing the same
sultry black dress, but now with a shaw covering her bare
shoulders. She is in her thirties, younger than Steve. She has a
shining mane of red hair that goes just past her shoulders, and
gleaming green eyes that look to her husband. Tonight, she is
glowing.

Steve enters from the kitchen, holding two wine glasses and a
bottle of red wine. He sits next to her on the couch.

STEVE
Would you like some ale, madam?

She leans back on the couch, tightening the shaw around her chilly
body.

TERRI
I just wanna watch the fire.

STEVE
Aye, more for me then, there 'tis.

She smiles at him.

TERRI
Uh oh. Renaissance man has come out. You
must be on, what, fifth glass?

She giggles. Steve uncorks the bottle of wine and pours himself a
glass.

TERRI
Next it'll be the Drinking Leprecaun. If
anything, you're a very well-travled drunk.

STEVE
Stop it. That's freaky.

He takes a sip from the wine glass.

STEVE
It's a celebration. I'm allowed.
(beat)
'Sides, you used to like my impressions.

Her gaze unfocuses from the fire and trails upward to the mantle
above it. On it there is a picture of their daughter, ASHLEY, eight
and blonde. She's smiling.

TERRI
Look at that.

STEVE
Are they really that bad?

TERRI
Isn't she just the most beautiful thing you've
ever seen?

STEVE
The Irish Guy needs work, I know, but--

TERRI
(smiling)
Steven!
(beat)
We made that wonderful person.

Steve tops his glass. He looks up at the mantle, trying to focus his blurry eyes.

STEVE
Which one?

She laughs, as he continues to look.

TERRI
Your Mother.

He looks at her, genuinely believing.

STEVE
I thought Mom was dead.

TERRI
I'm talking about Ashley, you 'tard.

He looks back up to the picture. The fire tosses shadows all over
the room, all over her portrait.

STEVE
I know, I know.
(beat)
You ready to start it all over again?

She smiles.

TERRI
Are YOU?

STEVE
Hey, I didn't do too bad.

TERRI
I'm only kidding. You're a wonderful father,
Steve.

He looks back to her again.

TERRI
And an amazing husband.

STEVE
And a great impressionist.

They just look at each other for a moment. He gets serious.

STEVE
Thank you.

He leans back and kisses her.

TERRI
I'm cold.

STEVE
You want another shirt?

TERRI
Not really.

STEVE
I just turned the heat up. How about a
blanket?

TERRI
How about you finally understand what I'm
saying and hold me?

She smiles at him. He puts the wine glass down on the table and
wraps his arms around her. They close their eyes and listen to
each other breathing.

TERRI
You love me?

STEVE
(as Drinking Leprecaun)
Aye.

She smiles again, eyes closed.

STEVE
I said stop it.

In the background the fire crackles softly.

STEVE
You tired?

After a moment,

TERRI
Nope.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Terri stands near the window in their bedroom, a devilish look on
her face. Steve stands behind a video camera on a tripod, pointed
at the bed.

She peels off her skimpy black dress.

POV - STEVE'S CAMERA

Her naked body stands framed in the shades-drawn window. The
red REC light comes on in the top-left corner.

In the other corner the camera digitally reads the time: 7:05,
flashing in white.

STEVE
Ok, it's on.

TERRI
I can't believe we're doing this. Again.

STEVE
It's a celebration. And, hey, it's not like we're
gonna get pregnant this time.

TERRI
Yes dear.

Steve looks around quickly.

STEVE
Oh. I left the bottle downstairs.

He heads quickly out of the bedroom.

STEVE
Don't you move!

He doesn't touch the door.

INT. STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Steve trounces down the stairs and into the Living Room. He
snatches bottle up quickly, and heads back upstairs even faster.
Excited, he takes two, sometimes three, steps at a time.

Until he reaches his bedroom door, now partially closed.

His smile fades, quickly replaced by a look of puzzlement.

STEVE
Terr?

He slowly places his hand on the door, his face now completely
blank, and pushes it open slowly.

INT. BEDROOM- CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

Terri stands in the same spot she was. She stands still, though not
completely.

Her naked chest is heaved upward, like she's gasping for breath.
Her limbs tremble at her side, unable to move. Her face looks up,
terrified, in pain, frozen. She is on her toes, like something is just
holding her off the ground.

STEVE
Terri!

Before Steve can even move her limp body falls to the floor, blood
from deep inside explodes from her lips.

The wine bottle lays smashed where he once stood. The wine that
trails down the carpet resembles the blood from Terri's mouth.

An instant later, he is by her side. In his rush he knocks over the
video camera. It falls to the ground, but somehow stays pointed at the two of them.

POV - STEVE'S CAMERA

Steve holds Terri's dead body in his hands, as he can only scream
her name over and over. Screaming for help.

In the corner of the camera, the clock ticks forward. 7:06.

He continues to scream for help but then - -

[adamjohnson]

Some mo'!




INT. STEVE'S BEDROOM - DAY

- - His eyes snap open - -

- - Lying in his bed - -

Steve sits up in his bed. He wipes sweat from his face. Then, after several winded moments, plops back
onto the bed, facing the wall.

The shadow of a LITTLE GIRL passes across the wall he's facing.

LITTLE GIRL(O.S.)
Daddy, I'm thirsty.

He turns to see his daughter, ASHLEY, 8 years old, blonde, standing before him.

STEVE
Ashley, what are you doing out of bed so earl--?

- The shock stops him dead -

The face he sees is not that of his daughter. Her face is darker, evil. Her brow focuses to a point in the
center of her head. Her eyes are black, pupilless.

Through her menacing smile her teeth, crooked and gross, can be seen. Her forked tongue slithers out from
behind them.

In her right hand is a six-inch bloody butcher knife, pointed down towards Steve. A spec of blood drops
from the tip.

The maniacal tone of the demon inside of her masks her own childish voice.

ASHLEY
So let's have a drink.

- - His eyes snap open - -

- - Lying in his bed - -

He wakes up this time to the real face of his real daughter.

ASHLEY
Daddy, I'm thirsty.

He looks around for a moment, baffled from the dream, but the realization of the dream brings him back.

Ashley rubs her eyes as if she has just woken up.

INT. GARAGE - MORNING

Steve loads a very large cardboard box with the words "BEDROOM" etched across it in black marker into the
back of his Jeep Cherokee.

The back of the Jeep is filled with several other boxes and suitcases.

STEVE
You sure you're ready to go, sweetie?

ASHLEY
Sure, Daddy. Ready as you are.

Steve grabs another box from a pile beside his car. He bends down to pick it up.

ASHLEY
I wish Mommy could go too.

Steve is stunned and almost drops the box, labeled: "FRAGILE".

STEVE
Me too, Ash. Me too.

He puts the next box inside the Jeep, struggling to fit it into the snug area.

STEVE
Ashley, honey, could you go and get Daddy a glass of water?

She nods and scurries off.

After Ashley enters the house Steve has to force back his forming tears.

Ashley returns with a glass of water. Steve hides his tears, wiping them off before she can see.

ASHLEY
Here you go, Daddy.

STEVE
Oh, thank you honey. Now let's go and get the rest of your stuff so we
can go, k?

ASHLEY
Okie.

There is a framed picture lying in one of the open boxes. It is a picture of him and Terri. Both of them are in
their wedding attire, snuggling close. They smile for the camera.

INT. ASHLEY'S BEDROOM - DAY

The room is bare. The walls are pale white. All of the pictures are removed from the walls. There is no
furniture.

STEVE
What's taking you so long, squirt?

ASHLEY
The bag's too heavy.

Steve bends down to pick it up, but as he pulls up he's surprised with a much larger weight than he
expected.

STEVE
Well, what do you have in here, bricks?

ASHLEY
No, just Goldie.

STEVE
Goldie? You packed your goldfish?

She smiles.

ASHLEY
And the tank.

He unzips the bag and inside is a large glass fish tank filled to the top with water and a lid to keep it sealed,
and a single fish.

STEVE
How did you even get him into the bag?

ASHLEY
I slid it on when it was empty. Then I filled it.

STEVE
Well, honey, we don't have to pack Goldie in this huge tank.

ASHLEY
We don't?

STEVE
No. I think Goldie will survive in a smaller tank while we're driving. Go find
one and I promise that he will be fine in there for a while.

ASHLEY
Okie.

Ashley leaves.

Steve looks at the fish-bag and smiles. He stops, and looks around the bare room where his daughter grew
up.

STEVE
Fuck. This is a mistake. Le-

ASHLEY (O.S.)
Here you go, Daddy.

She stands in the doorway with a much smaller tank, a round one with a tiny castle perched at the
bottom.

Steve grabs it by the lid and scoops up Goldie and enough water to fill it almost to the top.

STEVE
There you see? He's fine. Now what do you say we empty out this sucker,
eh?

He pats his hand on the immense tank.

ASHLEY
Alrighty.

INT. JEEP - DAY

Steve climbs into the Jeep.

ASHLEY
I'm glad I'm finally going back.

Steve looks at her, extremely puzzled.

STEVE
Back? Honey, you've never been.

ASHLEY
Oh...

STEVE
You have Goldie?

ASHLEY
Right here.

She holds up the bowl.

STEVE
How's he doin'?

ASHLEY
He's carsick.

STEVE
Really? Well, maybe we should give him some fish medicine. But he's going
to have to wait until we get there cuz I'm all out.

Steve backs the car out of the driveway.

STEVE
Say "bye bye house."

ASHLEY
Bye bye house.

STEVE
Say "bye bye town."

ASHLEY
Bye bye town.

They spot a WOMAN watering her lawn.

STEVE
Smile and pretend to say "bye bye" to the mean neighbors.

ASHLEY
Bye bye mean neighbors.

They both smile and wave to her.

She waves back.

They turn onto the street and speed away.

When they are no longer looking the woman's face goes blank and she smirks at them with evil intentions.
She holds up her fist and flips them both the bird.

STEVE
And off we go.

Ashley speaks to herself, too soft for Steve to hear.

ASHLEY
Bye bye Mommy.

INT. JEEP - NIGHT

The fog is extremely thick on this night.

Steve's mind begins to wander. The only memory of the unborn.

TERRI (V.O.)
It's blue! We're gonna have another baby.

He hears her loving voice on the couch that night.

TERRI (V.O.)
You love me?

And his cry when it happened.

STEVE (V.O.)
Terri!

Steve struggles to hold his tears back again, trying to navigater the fog, when,

ASHLEY
Daddy, where do you think Mommy went?

He sniffles back his shaky voice.

STEVE
Well, Mommy went to Heaven, Ash.

ASHLEY
I know that. But where is she?

STEVE
Well, Heaven's not really a place honey. I mean, it's a place but - I mean
you can't find it on a map - This is a very hard question, honey.

ASHLEY
Well, then how will we know where to find her?

She looks out the window, at the passing fog.

ASHLEY
All I can think about is how she's lost. Lost in the fog...

STEVE
Well, the only way for us to know where Mommy went will be when we go
to Heaven. But until then, the only way that she can be with us is if we
remember her and keep her image fresh in our mind - -

Steve forgets about the road.

A figure pops out from the fog in the street. A boy, a child, stands like a deer in the headlights, difficult to
see.

Steve swerves and slams through the safety railing, flying off the road.

It fishtails and flips, landing on its top. After a moment, it settles.

INT. MOUNTAIN TOWN APARTMENT - DUSK

A MOTHER, lifts a tray of cookies from the oven. Her SON, just barely five, watches her.

MOTHER
Just go and sit at the table, ok?

SON
Okay, Momma.

She turns her back to her son.

As soon as she does the knife hidden in his hand strikes. It catches her in the knee, bringing her down. He
yanks the long butcher knife out quickly.

Ferociously fast, before she can even gather her wits on the floor, he skuddles towards her face, the knife
raised again.

EXT. FOGGY MOUNTAIN TOWN - DUSK

The little boy steps out of the main entrance to his apartment building. He tosses the bloody knife aside.
His clothes and face are covered in the same.

He walks slowly, care-free, down the street, towards the sunset.

The only movement in the entire town is the hundreds of children walking the same path. Others exit their
homes, tossing weapons. All of them bloodstained, all of them children. All of them babies.

A newspaper billows in the wind. The headline: BORN AGAIN.

[adamjohnson]

Man, this thread drops fast.

Anyway, I think this is a good title.

S E V E N O S I X

[X-Nightcrawler]

I need to finish the script before I give any input. . . . and that title is very good (C won't like it . . . don't listen to him, he likes Garfield!)

And I just realized I quoted The Simpsons twice in this thread.

[C-Desecration-]

Sevenosix isn't bad, acutally. Just a little obvious. And the novelty of letters as titles wore off after Se7en.
Anyways . . .





A MAN with long, black hair walks down the sidewalk in the
opposite direction. He's wearing a very long, black coat. Steve is
on course to run into him and--

Too many 'longs'. And I don't think you want "coat" there. Coats in general aren't long. The only things that are are what I believe are called "dusters" (trench-coat type garbs) and slickers.

The man in black continues to walk, his hair frazzled by something.

What do you mean? Do you mean that, in the previous scene, his hair was straight, well-combed, whatever, but now it's frazzled? if that's the case just say "hair now frazzled".

And don't say Terri has a "mane" of red hair. Bad visualization. I imagine side-burns and a huge red fro' of hair.

Oh, and the dialogue between terri and steve is great. A little expected, but well-written. Except for: "TERRI
I'm talking about Ashley, you 'tard. " Nix the 'tard'. Not to be politically correct, but it just upsets the mood.


Before Steve can even move her limp body falls to the floor, blood
from deep inside explodes from her lips.

The end you don't need. The deeper it is the blacker it becomes. so "limp body falls to the floor. Black blood spits out her mouth." That conveys the same thing.

An instant later, he is by her side. In his rush he knocks over the
video camera. It falls to the ground, but somehow stays pointed at the two of them.

I'm guessing you're imagening that it tips over, lands on its side, but still has terri and steve in-frame, just sideways. If that's it then specify that. As is it's a little vague.

Steve's mind begins to wander. The only memory of the unborn.

What now? You mean that his mind wanders to the memory of . . . Ashley being born? Something like that? Again, it's too vague.


Great dialogue, nice flow . . . bravo man. I was surprised that, even at it's relatively short length (what you posted) I was moved by steve and ash's conversation in the jeep.
I'm not sure where this is going, or what the plot is, really, but what you have so far is just great. Again, I dislike the sequence when Steve sees Ashley with a butcher's knife, just too typical for something as quality as this (at least so far).
And yes, that beginning is MUCH better.

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
What do you mean? Do you mean that, in the previous scene, his hair was straight, well-combed, whatever, but now it's frazzled? if that's the case just say "hair now frazzled".

This is actually explained at the end of the script. The man in black is the villian, gabriel, and he's erased every bit of information about himself from Steve's mind. But at the end this flashback returns with what was JUMP CUT out. (Steve bumps into him, his hair is fucked up because of this)


Oh, and the dialogue between terri and steve is great. A little expected, but well-written. Except for: "TERRI
I'm talking about Ashley, you 'tard. " Nix the 'tard'. Not to be politically correct, but it just upsets the mood.


Well yeah, I agree in a way. Thought it might have beenfunny.

Thanks though.

[Pestilence]

I would have thought a nice touch would have been to have him look at a picture of his wife before he sticks it in a suitcase and say "Are we doing the right thing?", instead of the "Fuck. This is a mistake...".

I know in the first draft he just looked around and asked the (too obvious) question for seemingly no reason but to tell the viewer his feelings. However I think having him ask it to his dead wife works better than any way it's been so far....

Just my two cents...

But yeah, this is going along great...and I disagree with C. I like the "So let's have a drink." part, it would be well fucked up on screen. :D

[silverslash]

i liked the first script but the second parts were also intersting i think you should do something about the scary parts though like when someone sees blood and gets pulled into a bath sees a kid with a knife about to kill him and all that its just what i would do is run away screaming im not into the knife thing and its best to make it as real as possible but all round you have a good imagination. i two am a writer and am writeing a novel right now!

[adamjohnson]

BUMP-SHICKA-BUMP-BUUUMMMPPP

Check out the revides copy of S E V E N O S I X on Triggerstreet.com.