New Script Idea - Vampire/Noir - Thoughts?

[adamjohnson]

Dropped this down in the screenwriting forum, thought i might be useful here too.

New Script Idea - Vampire/Noir - Thoughts?
Board's been konda dead the least few days, thought I might post this and get everyone's thought on it.

Two questions out of the gate on this one:
1) Has this been done before?
2) Do you think it's a good IDEA? (Yes, I know it's only an idea, and not a story)

Basically a film noir vampire movie. A fifties cop is hunting a murderer, soon he realizes the killer might be one of the undead.

I think the idea of a vampire movie, where darkness is so key to its themes, combined with the technical style of an old film noir film, B&W and all, would work extremely well together. Not to mention the fact that a fifties noir cop is such a different character from other 'monster' movies that it might be just be a breath of fresh air, and create something really unique?

Thoughts? Opinions?

Also, another question: How do you go about ESTABLISHING that it's A, In film noir style, and B, in B&W? Or is that one of those things that's merely implied and subsequently left to the director?

can anyone give me some titles fro research material? IE film noir movies/scripts that would be appropriate. As well as vampire movies/scripts?


Its true that I dont have many ideas yet, YET.

I do have a single image in my mind at this moment though, which should give you an idea of what I'm after with this script.

Basically its just an alley, hard light, hard shadows, preferably in BW, film noirish. A Humpherey Bogart cop walks into the shadows and disappears. From those same shadows follows an inhuman, born of the same era, in the same garb, steps out and follows him.

Except that, He's following up, maybe he's hired I dont know yet, a series of murders. Of course, as he gets closer to the killer he realizes what it really is. Then he must, accept, learn about, and kill the vampire.

Could be very interesting methinks.

What does everyone else think of this idea? Any research ideas for this script?

[X-Nightcrawler]

I read a screenplay named "Blud" in Zoetrope that's EXACTLY a vampire-film noir.

What happened to sevenosix?

[adamjohnson]

Its on Triggerstreet. Check it out. And SimplyScripts.

EDIT: That sucks about that script. I checked and its not there anymore. Oh well.

[Pestilence]

I like the idea, Adam.

I don't think you need to write in the script that it's in B&W, unless you intend to direct it. In your treatment the film will be described as "Noir/Horror" anyway, and how it's written should automatically tell the reader that they're firmly in Noir territory. If the director wants to shoot in B&W, that's his job. Just write it in your head as though it WAS B&W, and you can't go wrong.

I don't think I've ever seen or heard of a vampire Noir story, and i for one would have my bum on the seat to see it :)

Check out/read "Dark City", "Payback" (Mel Gibson), "Chinatown" and "A Touch of Evil". The first two are good examples of a modern Noirish story, and show that it can very much be pulled off in colour.

[the dead one]

I have a Vampire treatment that will soon become a screenplay.
All I can tell you is this...It is completely original and the concept is one that I can say with total conviction, has never been done at all!!!

I am NOT shitting anyone here when I say, how excited I am of the prospect of completing the screenplay and getting it ready for pre-production!:)

[Mog]

It doesn't have to be in black and white to be noir. Look at China Town, that's noir to the tenth degree and it's in color. (If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you check it out)

One thing to always remember about noir, no one is who they appear to be. Noir has to be full of shady characters. There's always that dame who walks into the office, and there's always something a little off about her. The cop knows it, but he falls for her anyway and forgets about it. Then BAM. She does something to prove why she's so...shady.

I think it's cool you're adding the vampire aspect, but I have one suggestion.

Please, please, please, please, please ATTEMPT to make vampires scary. Ever since the whole "RPG Era" started vampires have turned into super heroes/super villains instead of creatures of horror. Look back to Nosferatu, Dracula...all those vampire movies that actually SCARED people instead of instilling the thought "Oh hey. A vampire. Someone's about to (get in a fight/have sex/have a war between clans)

[the dead one]

First off, I am done with the current trends that have plauged Vampire films. The fact of the matter is the vampire lore in cinema has been diluted by so many filmmakers, taking creative licesense in re-imagining what Vampires are! Not that it is a bad thing, yet it has gotten a little out of hand.

We need to get back to brass tacks and realize what a Vampire really is! Forget all that cool goth shit, a Vampire isnt romantic nor do they wear dinner suits and talk with euro accents (like Bela...although he was great!) If you are interested in noir, try checking out Raymond Chandler novels and look into picking up a couple of books regarding the art deco period! That should give you some insight into what you are trying to achive. I think that you might want to just play around with going in and out of black and white! It was done with great effect in George Romero's Martin. Be inventive and cut loose!! The only limits are your imagination! As for film Noir I recommend checking out old Bogart films like the Maltese Falcon, it has a certain sense of style... Presented in glorious black and white!:D

[X-Nightcrawler]

Odd, right now I am watching a vampire/film noir movie starring Anne Parillaud and Anthony LaPaglia. I don't know what it's title is.

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by Mog
It doesn't have to be in black and white to be noir. Look at China Town, that's noir to the tenth degree and it's in color. (If you haven't seen it, I highly suggest you check it out)

One thing to always remember about noir, no one is who they appear to be. Noir has to be full of shady characters. There's always that dame who walks into the office, and there's always something a little off about her. The cop knows it, but he falls for her anyway and forgets about it. Then BAM. She does something to prove why she's so...shady.

I think it's cool you're adding the vampire aspect, but I have one suggestion.

Please, please, please, please, please ATTEMPT to make vampires scary. Ever since the whole "RPG Era" started vampires have turned into super heroes/super villains instead of creatures of horror. Look back to Nosferatu, Dracula...all those vampire movies that actually SCARED people instead of instilling the thought "Oh hey. A vampire. Someone's about to (get in a fight/have sex/have a war between clans)

Oh, Nosferatu all the way, baby. Just watched DOuble Indemnity last night, planning to check out Maltese Falcon when I get back to the store.

Whatever the story is becoming, this is gonna be fun.

I wont say its in B&W, I'm just going to have to be very heavy on the description.

[Mog]

Originally posted by the dead one
First off, I am done with the current trends that have plauged Vampire films. The fact of the matter is the vampire lore in cinema has been diluted by so many filmmakers, taking creative licesense in re-imagining what Vampires are! Not that it is a bad thing, yet it has gotten a little out of hand.

We need to get back to brass tacks and realize what a Vampire really is! Forget all that cool goth shit, a Vampire isnt romantic nor do they wear dinner suits and talk with euro accents (like Bela...although he was great!) If you are interested in noir, try checking out Raymond Chandler novels and look into picking up a couple of books regarding the art deco period! That should give you some insight into what you are trying to achive. I think that you might want to just play around with going in and out of black and white! It was done with great effect in George Romero's Martin. Be inventive and cut loose!! The only limits are your imagination! As for film Noir I recommend checking out old Bogart films like the Maltese Falcon, it has a certain sense of style... Presented in glorious black and white!:D

What he said. I'm totally sick of the Anne Rice shit. I love how vampires were portrayed in films like Lost Boys and Blade. They were animals who just wanted to drink our blood...and maybe take over the world...

To not get too off topic, Adam be sure to post your script 'cause I want to read it. :)

[the dead one]

Thanks Mog!! Adam, one word of advice if you're serious about your script. Get it copyrighted through the Libaray of congress, protect your own interests! Friendly advice, from some one has been the victim of Plagiarism! trust me, you'll sleep better.:cool:

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by the dead one
Thanks Mog!! Adam, one word of advice if you're serious about your script. Get it copyrighted through the Libaray of congress, protect your own interests! Friendly advice, from some one has been the victim of Plagiarism! trust me, you'll sleep better.:cool: How were you victim of plagiarism?

[the dead one]

That depends if you are being serious about your inquiry!

[Mog]

A bit off-topic, but Nightcrawler your avatar OWNZ. Go Brian! :D

[syxxpac]

I find this idea fascinating. Sort of like The Maltese Falcon meets Nosferatu.

I think you're onto something special, Adam.

[Romero&Juliet]

Firstly, you RARELY see anything in a script that would assume any decisions made on the style, or even direction of the film.

I dont know if there are ever subtitles which say "vampire: a film noir" or "romantic comedy" because I've never actually seen a coverpage of a script!

it is a neat idea, though.. and since you asked, the vampire/noir hybrid has been touched on before. Namely, in flicks like Innocent Blood and Graveyard Shift.

and if you're looking for a film noir reccomendation, look no further than The Black Dahlia and The Little Foxes. Nop totch, they are!

[adamjohnson]

The only real problem I'm hving in the idea stage is mking the vampire something he doesnt seem to be, as is the case with all characters in film noir. He has to have some sort of alternate agenda.

the plan (right now) is that the Detective/PI is hired by someone (probably a dame) to uncover the secrets of some grizzly murders. Obviously, the victims are probably near to her. (Hmm, just thought of something - one of the 'victims' has supposedly gone missing, later the revelation is made that the missing victim is actually the vamp, go figure). As I was sayintg, the PI is hired to investigate these murders. What he uncovers is that the murderer is not exactly human. He must learn to understand it, and solve the case, while protecting himself and the dame from an immortal killer of which he knows nothign baout.

Sounds ok.

[Tagia_Romero]

I like the way you think Adam :D. Noir is a very nice genre to mix in with vampires considering the dark, dirty and gritty world beneath the world. There are very few vampire films of that type and I think it would be pretty nice to see some flesh blood being injected into the vampire/film noir genre. I say keep it going.

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by Tagia_Romero
I like the way you think Adam :D.

Hey, me too.

Now if they would only stop telling me to burn things.

[adamjohnson]

Im gonna double post this, the other being in the Screenwriting forum. Here ill reach a whole new set of audience members.

Ive been kind of a victim of thinking baout more than one script at a time, but this was just an idea burst. Tell me what you think.

The Dame comes into the Dtective's office, says her brother (by a different father) was killed a few nights ago, but the police dont seem to be doing much.

In this scene we also find out that shes married.

The brother was with his girlfriend, which we find out after the Detective begins to dig around.

First Revelation: It's not her brother, it's her boyfriend. (Misteress?) They were both cheating on their lovers. She says she always knew he had a girlfriend but didnt care b/c she loved him, loved him more than her husband.

2nd Revelation - But she didnt always know. When she found out he was seeing someone she sent him into that situation that got him killed, sent him into that alley to be killed by the vampire. She had heard about all the strange hooker murders. So, to her, it was the same as hiring someone to kill him, only she didnt have to pay him off. His payment was blood.
--

Does that sound pretty noir or what?

Now, onto the vampire himself. EVERYONE in noir has to be not what they appear to be, they have to have some secret agenda, and for the vampire thats getting to be tricky.
--

At first the Detective thinks he is dealing with a human being, albeit a sick one. He tracks him down rather quickly, after all, the vampire isnt trying to hide from him.

First revelation: The murderous man isnt human at all - He's a vampire.

2nd revelation - ??? This is my problem now. Whats his ulterior (sp?) motive? He HAS oto have one. Or else his character isnt very noir, now is it?

My thought was to simply use what I had posted earlier: one of the 'victims' has supposedly gone missing, later the revelation is made that the missing victim is actually the vampire.

Any help? Suggestions? Comments?

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by adamjohnson
Now if they would only stop telling me to burn things. We won't. Now go burn down the neighboor's house.

Anyway, I like the "twists" you post.

[C-Desecration-]

2nd revelation - ??? This is my problem now. Whats his ulterior (sp?) motive? He HAS oto have one. Or else his character isnt very noir, now is it?

My thought was to simply use what I had posted earlier: one of the 'victims' has supposedly gone missing, later the revelation is made that the missing victim is actually the vampire.

That's not much of an alterior motive there. That's just a "he's actually this!", what I like to call a boo-twist (like "boo-scares"). How is that a motive for this character? How is that even a motive? And anyways, there's a bunch of ways to go with this. You want a human motive - relationship, finance, something - or a supernatural one, one that fits in with him being a vampire?

Don't take what I'm about to say seriously since I'm not fond of the idea in the first place (and many people are, so I'm just not on the same wavelength or something), but don't you think having the "dame" sending whoever off to get sucked by the vamp is a little overplayed? A lot of things here seem overplayed, actually. It's because the concept of this idea is tired in general. It's like "hey, how about I put THIS into THAT", and boom-bam there's your idea. Vampire noir. Nothing interesting in that concept, so make it in your execution. What I glance at here seems by-the-numbers. Almost like an intentional exercise in cliche (sometimes). Is that just noir? I'm not knowledge of that sub-genre, but it sounds pretty limiting . . .

[killuminati003]

Originally posted by Mog
One thing to always remember about noir, no one is who they appear to be. Noir has to be full of shady characters. There's always that dame who walks into the office, and there's always something a little off about her. The cop knows it, but he falls for her anyway and forgets about it. Then BAM. She does something to prove why she's so...shady.

yeah...the dame could be a vampire.....and the cop doesnt know it yet...untill she starts doing stuff....vampirish...and then thats when we start to realize, this isnt a noirish film...its a vampire noirish film!!...this could actualy be awsome.

[adamjohnson]

Im gonna post a bit more on my idea. Just a bit. As I begin the 'idea' stage'.

Its going to be geared towards Double Indemnity and MAltese Falcon. I love those 'gumshoe' types of noirs. And a vampire movie in this kind of movie would be really great, since its before the 'information age' and vampire lore is not well known at this time, they have little to no reference at this point.

Its going to be a complete gumshoe noir, except that one of the characters is one of the undead. Yet, even he is still a character in this script. SO, that means that hes just like any of the other characters, except, yes, hes a vamp. He speaks, acts, and dreesses just like another gumshoe detective in the script.

If youve seen Blade Runner you know that its a futuristc noir. This is ging to be the same way... except in the past. Obviously. Theres so much going on in the backdrops of Blade Runner, I want that same stuff happening in this script. Obviosuly, with items of the past. I want that tone of Blade runner in tact in this script. The smoky rooms. Shadows peering through the closed blinds. And that somber theme to it.

I think its going to be really great. Im really excited about it. its definitely the most challenging script I would have written, because of the time change. I just hope I can do that era justice.

[adamjohnson]

Does anyone else "Sin City' might hurt this script's chances?? Or for that matter, originality?

[C-Desecration-]

The one thing I do know about noir, is that it really hasn't been, like traditional, in any recent movies.
If sin city is that, since it sounds nothing like your script, wouldn't that help it? Bump interest in noir? It wouldn't ruin the novelty of what you're doing, since yours is, more . . . raw, right? Isn't sin city very comic-bookish?

[adamjohnson]

I dont know much about Sin City. At all. I shy-ed away from it before b/c I thought I didnt like Robert Rodriquez. But I saw the trailer and thought th emovie looks pretty pimp, so I checked his IMDB and saw hes done some pretty good films. Whereas I thought he had really only done the El Mariachi series until now.

Hopefully it will peak interest in some more noirs. But not putting this script in its shadow so to speak. Im trying to get the script going, because I have the worst inkling im going to see this idea hitting the big screen before Im done. Im still pretty early in its development. I keep getting caught up with polishes on other scripts.

But, to update, the script is going to be 2 parts noir - one part vamp.

The creature itself is going to be a sort 'ancestry' monster, meaning basically that it predates all the structured vampire, zombie, werewolf, demon creations that modern culture have fleshed out nicely. So, essentially, this monster is all of those things, and throughout the years all those different creatures seperate paths originated from this. So, if you could imagine this, the vamp will have the same ferocity in a way that creatures from American Werewolf in London, Fright night, Demon Knight among otehrs, has - only in human-like form. Ive got plenty of blood spewing moments planned.

And, hopefully, the femme fatale will be just as deadly as the beast, cuz, ya know, thats noir baby.

[adamjohnson]

Double posty.

[Cronos]

sounds like a really good idea


also, (im not sure if it would be considered Noir) but The Addiction is in b/w and is not you conventional vampire flick which might be useful to you

[adamjohnson]

Thanks, Ill be TRYING to find a copy of that.

Again, I really hope Sin City brings back interest in noir and Black and White. But I hope it doesnt look like Im trying to COPY Sin City - in just a visual sense at the least.

[adamjohnson]

I bought a copy of that flick on ebay. Its got Chris Walken in it! Damn!

Anyway, I think I may have found a climax, well, the setting anyway. Its true our dame has been in cahoots with the vamp, but that doesnt mean shes off his list. The final confrontation finds our hero and the femme fatale trapped onboard a moving train, with the vampire stalking them from car to car. Despite all the new tricks he's learned, hes still cornered with a creature more powerful than he. Theres something so noir about that.

Something Im having difficulty with though, is how early I should reveal this is a vampire movie. I had a great opening written where the vamp transforms and devours someone, and then we cut to the PI's office and the story begins. But then I was thinking, that removes the mystery of it all. In kind of removes the shock when the PI first learns the man is somethign more than human, in anoterh bloody mauling scene he catches him in.

What are your thoughts on those two points?

[TeawithBlood]

well you could still have that opening scene but in mostly shadows or we just see the shadow of the events against a wall. that would keep the identity of the vamp secret and make it very noirish

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by TeawithBlood
well you could still have that opening scene but in mostly shadows or we just see the shadow of the events against a wall. that would keep the identity of the vamp secret and make it very noirish

Exactly where I was going to go. And the shadows ont he wall, I like that idea.

And a big ol' blood splatter to boot!

[Gluttony]

On the subject of Vampire/noir, it reminds me of the Alien Nation/Breed sort of motif, but neither got the atmosphere right. I would say that this is an interesting idea, but it's in danger of falling into the same plot problems as the other two I just mentioned.

Originally posted by the dead one
First off, I am done with the current trends that have plauged Vampire films. The fact of the matter is the vampire lore in cinema has been diluted by so many filmmakers, taking creative licesense in re-imagining what Vampires are! Not that it is a bad thing, yet it has gotten a little out of hand.

We need to get back to brass tacks and realize what a Vampire really is! Forget all that cool goth shit, a Vampire isnt romantic nor do they wear dinner suits and talk with euro accents (like Bela...although he was great!) If you are interested in noir, try checking out Raymond Chandler novels and look into picking up a couple of books regarding the art deco period! That should give you some insight into what you are trying to achive. I think that you might want to just play around with going in and out of black and white! It was done with great effect in George Romero's Martin. Be inventive and cut loose!! The only limits are your imagination! As for film Noir I recommend checking out old Bogart films like the Maltese Falcon, it has a certain sense of style... Presented in glorious black and white!:D

You know, everyone gets mad about reimagining vampires. Why not just call them vampires but have it be a mistake? Currently, I'm pounding out that idea for my next script about a sort of disease/hysteria that people can mess with their hormone system when they introduce other's blood into their bodies. It's all mental but it causes increased strength and murderous tendencies. Anyway, in the story people call them vampires, but their not.

You don't see that very often and I thought it was neat. However, I realize it's practically taboo to make a good old vampire these days. "Dracula's dead, get his gay brother in here as the archetype..."

[adamjohnson]

Man, I am having a very serious problem. How in the hell does my P.I. LEARN about the vampire?

He cant just go on the internet. There are very few books at this time. Its not a cultural phenomenon like it is now.

I mean, what do you do when you dont even know the WORD vampire? When you know ZERO about it?

He needs to understand it enough to fight it- to freak out and be scared at some point it the script.

Please help!

[TeawithBlood]

wouldn't you PI have gone to a few movies everyonce in a while. everyscine there was cinema there where horror movies to go to. he would know of a vampire but not about a vampire. why not have that small unknown tucked away occult shop with a wierd store keeper that can be your PI's little guide to vampirism. you could even make that a turning point later on in your script.

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by TeawithBlood
wouldn't you PI have gone to a few movies everyonce in a while. everyscine there was cinema there where horror movies to go to. he would know of a vampire but not about a vampire. why not have that small unknown tucked away occult shop with a wierd store keeper that can be your PI's little guide to vampirism. you could even make that a turning point later on in your script.

Thats really the only place I could see it going, and although it works, I think its bit generic in a way. The only otehr place I had in my mind, besides the occult store, was a off-the-sidewalk chapel, the kind with the glowing cross hanging off the side of the building. And, quite frankly, both provide anrrative challenges to make them very interesting.

[adamjohnson]

Gugghh!

Just when I think I've got the soul of the script figured out I go and re-watch Blade Runner and I wonder just what tone the entire film should have.

Before, it was geared toward a Maltese Falcon or Double Indemnity, really old school, and, I dont wanna say light-hearted, but yeah kinda. With the quick-wittedness and the long exposition.

Now Im wondering if I should gear the thing more towards modern noirs ala Dark City or blade Runner, really harshen the world to the max. Really make you depressed. After all, it is the depression period. ('42)

On one hand, taking that approach would 'level it out' all throughout. B/c as it stands now there is a SERIOUS gear shift once you hit the halfway point, where it leaves the gumshoe stuff behind and focuses on the vamp.

Also, it may help it reach today's audiences more.

On the other hand, by removing some of the quick witted, light-hearted stuff, and including less 'quiet scenes' with no dialogue, it would really take away from the charm of having an old school noir film.

What do you guys think? I could either make you guys depressed and afraid, or I could have you constantly cracking a smile at watching the Private Investigator (David Bannister) constantly lie to get himself out of trouble.

[adamjohnson]

Oh well.

Anyway, the script is still far off from actually getting started, but I was bored and I wrote the first scene, since I've already locked it down. Just to give my fellow schmoes an idea of what its going to be like.

[Gluttony]

Not to nitpick, but if you ever try and get this to anyone, they might harp on you that Black and White aren't colors. So, unless you want to have some sort of metaphorical meaning, you might want to change it.

On the other hand, you might not run into dick heads that have to be that picky anyway.

I like the scene, I'm not a noir fan myself, but I can picture the atmosphere and the imagery is good.

[adamjohnson]

I wanted to post a little more. The script is just getting going, but for whatever reason I've already written a few extended dialogue sequences. I just wanted to post them and hear everyones responses. The formatting isnt script-proper, this is the first time I've typed it. Ill set some stuff up, because theyre kind of random convos.

The first is when our vampire friend captures the femme fatale and brings her to his loft to turn her.

Marion: "Why are you doing this?"
Frank: We are what we are, Marion. When you look in the mirror you see your face... aging, scarred, wrinkled, sad - because that's how you perceive it. That's why you wanted what you didn't understand. Why you wanted what I could never give you. What I couldn't. But I dont have that luxury. When I look in the mirror I see nothing. Nothing but my scars. When you become like me you're able to heal from anything. Eventually, even bone will grow back. But not your scars. It's the only part of you that's still human. The only tissue anyway. That's why they won't heal - because the human side of me is dead. The human side... never heals, Marion. It never gets better.
(beat)
I have many scars from my life, but only one I bear with sadness. My last scar.
(reveals the bite mark on his neck)
The last part of me that was human. It will never heal. It will never fade. It will only float in the mirror for all eternity so that I never forget what I am. What I WAS.
(beat)
Do you still want death?
Marion: "...No..."
Frank: "Then that is what you shall have."
(He proceeds to bite her)
---------

The next scene is really the big reveal. All the truth comes out as our hero, David, is ready to throw Marion to the lions den, so to speak.
(She has at gunpoint, neck bleeding furiously, and she's just told him her last sob story. He sees right through her)
David: "You're good, kitten."
Marion: "What in the world are you talking about?"
David: "That act. The distressed damsel finally taking a stand. You could be an actress."
Marion: "Shut up, David."
David: "You didn't send Murdock into that aleey HOPING he would get plugged, you KNEW it. Because you were there."
Marion: "You have to understand, David. I love him. Frank. I love him more than anything. More than my husband. More than you. And I would have done anything to be with him."
David: "Murdock found out about you two, didn't he? Let me guess, Johnny boy's the jealous type, right? Would have gone off his block if he knew you with another man. So you needed protection, is that it?"
Marion: "Something like that?"
David: "But when it was all done you didn't want him anymore. You only wanted to be young and beautiful forever, right? And when it was all done, when he had given you what you wanted, you just wanted to go back to Ira, and live in that big house and spend all that money he surely lavished you with! But Napier wouldn't do it, would he? So you were gonna string him loose. Only... you don't exactly just kick a monster like that to the curb when you're done with him, when it's served its purpose! Am I right?!
Marion: "David... please... stop..."
David: "Thats why you needed me. Protection from your protection! You knew that I could probably handle myself pretty well against it. And that if I got too deep in it I wouldn't believe any of the nonsense about him for an instant! Right?!"
Marion: (sobbing) "David..."
David: "Stop it right now! And when Napier learned what you were doing with me he came after your husband! To get at you! Stop your crying! The bodies are piling up, Marion! We're both on the line here! Get straight with me right now! When you were done with me, when I had served my purpose, what then? You bring someone else in and use him too? Kill ME too?!
Marion: "Stop it, Bannister!"
David: "Look. None of that matters now. Whetehr he loved you or you loved him doesnt make any difference! He's out there right now and he's coming for us both! We have to go. Give me the gun. "
(she holds firm)
David: "He wants to KILL you, Marion! (beat) Give me the damn gun!
(she does)
Marion: "But how are you going to stop him?"
David: "You forget... I'm good too, sweetheart. And I've picked up a few new tricks.
(He pulls a small wooden cross from inside his trench)
Thank you Mr. Stoker.
---------


I hope you enjoyed that. Tell me what you think.

[adamjohnson]

So, anyway, I'm having a lot of difficulty with a title. Its usually one of the later things I do, but i could sure use your help guys and dolls.

So, you know the score. Shoot away. PLEASEEEEE

[JBM...]

FADE IN:

EXT. CHICAGO SKYLINE - NIGHT

SUPER: CHICAGO, 1942

Only two colors exist in this world - black and white.

This once thriving metropolis now crumbles under the weight
of time - hit hard by the Depression. No new buildings have
been put up in years, and the old ones are only left to rot,
their mid-century architecture ready to fall apart. Dark
alleys, drastic angles, shadows everywhere. Smoke and rain
fill the air always. An enormous moon shines overhead, but
not one inch of the city isn't covered in darkness.

I realize this is a rough draft, but isn't this almost the exact same opening paragraph from your script, "Within Darkness" with the setting changed from New York to Chicago? Not only that, but it's overwritten. How can I see alleys if I'm looking at a skyline? How can I see crumbling architecture if not inch of the city is covered in darkness? I'm sorry, but this is just coming off to me as desperately atmospheric...

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Several 1930's and 40's automobiles rumble along on the
rain-soaked brick-paved streets of Chicago, though the
streets are nearly empty with the late hour. Lights from the
moon and car lamps bounce off all the slick brick-work.

A young couple, JOHNNY MURDOCK, 30's, in slick 1940's
business-man attire and an old-style brown trenchcoat, and
the blond-headed bombshell on his arm, PHYLLIS DANVERS, 20's,
in a sultry dark-colored dress, walk along the wet streets,
ignoring the rain bouncing off their heads, and disappear
into a dark alley.

You've already established this is in the 40's, so you don't need to give me info on the cars. I don't expect to see a Datsun. You've already established it's raining, so I don't except the streets to be dry. And if several cars are rumbling through the streets, how are they empty? Do you mean the sidewalks are empty? Also, the "moonlight and car lamps" sentence is unnecessary -- that's what I expect lights to do when it's wet.

Since you've already established the period you're writing in, you don't need to be redundant in describing the characters' clothing. Unless John's wearing bell bottoms or a 2Pac T-shirt, I don't need to know the time period of his threads. John's dressed like a slick businessman and in a trench coat. Okay.

Also -- "the streets of Chicago" isn't really enough for me. You made a conscious desicion to set your script in Chicago, yet this is so generic this could be set anywhere. Where am I in Chicago? Merchandise Mart? North side? South side? Financial district? On the banks of the Chicago River? Riverdale? Hyde Park? Near Union Station?

I'm not asking you to give me street intersections or exact addresses. I'd just like to know where in Chicago these folks are. This is a problem that plagued "Within Darkness" for me: you said we're in New York, then Queens, and that was it.

EXT. ALLEY - CONTINUOUS

The shadows overtake this alley, the end of which now
vanishes into a veil of darkness.

They giggle and Phyllis clutches Johnny's arm tighter for
warmth.

Pointlessly atmospheric. You establish the alley's dark in the final words of the previous scene.

And I would write the next sentence as "Johnny and Phyllis giggle as she clutches his arm tighter for warmth."


JOHNNY
Whew, cold out tonight, isn't it
beautiful?

Her teeth chatter as she laughs.

JOHNNY
Here.

Johnny stops and removes his trench. He drapes it over her
shoulders.

PHYLLIS
But Johnny, your suit.

JOHNNY
Don't worry about the suit,
sweetheart. I'll get another one.
There's only one of you.

PHYLLIS
My hero.

JOHNNY
Flattering will get you nowhere
with me.

Nitpicks: it's "flattery."

A tin can topples over somewhere near the end of the alley.

PHYLLIS
What was that?

JOHNNY
What?

PHYLLIS
You didn't hear it, Johnny?

JOHNNY
I think the cold is getting to that
pretty head of yours.

Another sound amidst the darkness, closer this time. Johnny
and Phyllis both stop.

JOHNNY
I heard that one.

He detaches himself.

JOHNNY
Wait here.

Johnny walks further down into the darkness without Phyllis.

JOHNNY
Hello? You better come outta there.
I don't like to be kidded.

He continues walking until Phyllis is nothing more than a
beautiful speck in the distance behind him.

Suddenly, a figure in a black trenchcoat steps from behind a
line of shadow in front of Johnny, but he is still nothing
more than a silhouette.

For a moment Johnny looks surprised. But his face quickly
shifts from shock to annoyance.

Not bad until this last paragraph. Writing that someone's face shifts from shock to annoyance -- especially when you say he's surprised in the previous sentence -- is about as boggling as saying someone's face shifts from happy to sad. Why can't he gasp, then grimace?

JOHNNY
Oh, it's you. What are you-

In an instant, the silhouette tackles Johnny and throws him
to the ground ravenously, out of sight.

Their shadows are cast onto the brick wall surrounding the
tight alley.

Now only a shadow on a brick wall, the man mauls Johnny
viscously, tearing at his belly with his fingers, and
pointed nails. Bits of something fly away as claw meets
flesh, whether they be bits of cloth or flesh it's impossible
to decipher.

The man's head plows down, and into Johnny's neck.

Blood sprays the silhouetted brick wall.

First off: the "Oh, it's you" cliché? :confused:

Second: this is redundant and contradictory. You say the figure throws Johnny out of sight, that they're both shadows are projected onto a brick wall (even though the end of the alley is supposedly completely dark), then in the next paragraph you repeat they're shadows on the wall.

The "bits of something" line is clunky and unnecessary. And how would I see blood spray a silhouetted wall?

INT. OFFICE OF DAVID BANISTER - NIGHT

Smoke fills the deteriorated office. On the door outside the
words "DAVID BANISTER, Private Investigator" are etched in
thick, black letters.

David himself sits leaned back in his chair, feet on the
desk, smoking a cigar.

Slugline is clunky. "INT. DAVID BANISTER'S OFFICE."


-----

I have to say that this opening is a lot stronger, and much better written than the opening of "Within Darkness." One of the major problems with that script was double-spacing -- here the writing's more condensed and flows better.

But still, the atmosphere you're inserting into this is bringing it down a little. You don't have to remind me every other line that it's dark. I get it.

Also... don't get hung up on a title. Just call it Untitled Vampire Noir 'til one comes to you.

[adamjohnson]

Alright guys and dolls, its been hard goings but Ive finally got the first act done. Here it is.

Now, I know what rules Im breaking here and everything, lots of 'Hi Moms!" and a double dose of expositional dialogue. You just have to remember this is a screenwriting experiment. Basically the first act is every Noir film youve ever seen rolled into a single act. Its all investigating and such. After the first act though its going to progressively become a more 'normal' film, with less exposition and more of a focus on the horror.

So... enjoy!

[adamjohnson]

This is more or less a shameless bump but IW as also thinking about titles today. Just tell me what you think of the ones I list (and oh yeah, THE SCRIPT! :) I just sort of had fun with it.

CRIMSON TWILIGHT
CRIMSON NIGHT
RED DAWN
BLOOD MOON RISING
SANGUINE STARLIGHT
DAWN OF NIGHT
DAWN OF DARKNESS
DAWN OF EVIL
DARKNESS AND DICKS
BOOZE AND BLOOD
ADDICTION
FEMMES AND FANGS
THE LONG DARK
THE LONG NIGHT
ETERNAL NIGHT
ETERNAL DARKNESS
REFLECTIONS OF DARKNESS
SUNSET IN CHICAGO
DARKNESS ON MAGNIFICENT MILE

And, oh yeah, dont take me too seriously! :D

[jeffkantoku]

When I saw these:

THE LONG DARK
THE LONG NIGHT

I read them as: THE LONG DARK NIGHT

How about that?

[TeawithBlood]

Originally posted by adamjohnson
FEMMES AND FANGS
DARKNESS ON MAGNIFICENT MILE

I really like these two but when i saw Femmes and Fangs I thought of Dames and Fangs for a title as well.

[syxxpac]

I read it. I liked it. The problems I have are basically in tune with JBM's comments above, but I didn't really let them bolster negativity during my reading. Another minor thing is that, like most first drafts (and I know this ALL too well), description and dialogue could be patched up here and there. I'm not saying major overhauls, but maybe just a bit of polishing. But I suppose that goes without saying to any screenwriter, so I'll shut up now.

Btw...I'd recommend checking out Angel Heart, as it's the perfect "horror/noir". It could give you shitloads of ideas in regards to tone and characters. It had dark, bleak atmosphere (the Blade Runner feel) and a gothic menace underlying every single frame, but its characters, and especially The Mickster, were straight out of a classic noir, albeit more vulgar (to fit with the 80s "tude").

[adamjohnson]

Hmm. Angel Heart.

Be checking into it.

And yeah, Im incredily verbose in m y first drafts.

[syxxpac]

Actually, I should've put this as a disclaimer at the beginning of my post, but... You shouldn't put too much stock into criticisms that I give, because quite frankly, I really, really suck at it. I love the constructive criticism you gave me in my thread, but I can only apologize that I can't do the same for you in here, for fear of talking out of my ass :(

[Scorpio24]

Just one quick question?

Forgive me if i've missed this i'm trying to read the screenplay at the same time as doing my work and it's taking a while.

But if this lady had her lover killed, and the police aren't doing anything about it. Why on earth would she go to a p.i. to invetigate a murder she set up? Is it because the vamp is coming after her and she needs help?

Bit late to suggest this now. But I always loved the alcahol problem with the protagonist in noir Making the hero flawed by is insecurities that he drinks away.

Also to mix it up a bit. You could have the vamp and pi build a mutual respect for each other the closer he gets. And maybe have him fantasise about the chance to have a new powerful life.

Like I said struggiling to get through the script as i'm so busy at the mo. You may well have alread covered this.

[Scorpio24]

What a jackass. Sorry my friend. Just checked out the rest of the thread in the Filmakers/screenwriting forum and see that you've explained the story with the chick going to the pi.

What a jackass:mad:

[adamjohnson]

Welp, I'm back baby.

I finally finished my draft a couple weeks ago and I'm gonna go ahead and post it, just dont tell VoorheesX. I'll be going to Costa Rica on sat so you guys have an entire week to read it and say whatever it is you wanna say. You guys are my readers, I'd be pretty lost without ya'll.

anyway though, my biggest concern is the dialogue. Going all out with the expositional dialogue and long talky heads sequences the way those old noirs did MAY have been a mistake. But it may also work brilliantly in a stroke of pure nostalgia, so we'll see. I also dont feel like I have enough of alot of the characters, especially Frank in his own element, and also Marion. But I kind of counted on going back and adding scenes later - it's just the length of it that worried me originally. I thought it would come out being like 140. ITs the perfect length right now, 100, but with all the talking it really doesnt feel liek a lot went down. So changes are coming.

Just rip it to shreds first.

So here ya are. The Crimson Kiss. EDIT, damn it, how is a TXT. file too big? I'll split it.

[adamjohnson]

2!

[C-Desecration-]

Ifyoucouldfixthissortofformatthat'dbegreat,because thenI'dgettoreadit.There'ssomeeasywaytodoit,Ithink ,butIhavenocluewhatthatwayis.

[adamjohnson]

Mine's lookin fine.

[C-Desecration-]

That's odd. For me it's all clumped together. The text. Do I download it and open it on its own, maybe. . .
Let's see. . . and bingo. Looks like all I had to do was save it and then open it rather than opening the thing up directly on joblo. Hm.

Well! Nevermind then.

[adamjohnson]

Bump before I leave for my flight. This is stil here!

[adamjohnson]

Bump now that Im back!

[adamjohnson]

Please somebody tell me how you liked the thing.

Im starting a huge rewrite soon, as in now. (The biggest changes I think Ive ever undertaken) So I know some of the bigger flaws, but I still care to hear what you horror schmoes think about it.

[adamjohnson]

I just bumped this, but now I've thought of a question.

Going through the script I noticed that Frank is really the ONLY source of anythign supernatural whatsoever. So that got me thinking about sort of changing the rules so to speak, about the world our characters live in. Maybe, in the deeper corners of existence, there IS more, and David must journey through parts of them to find the information he needs.

In more of a nutshell, would it be a good idea if David, our PI friend, were more of a Harry D'amour type, and his existence has always been one that has leaned toward a slightly supernatural place?

I mean, would this mke the STORY more interesting? Would it be more of something you've never seen before, or enough of for that matter? I dont know, just thoughts?

[adamjohnson]

Hey look, a new forum. Sweet.

Im about halfway done with the rewrite. I'm really stalled because of the onslaught of work and school butI plan to start up again as soon as I finish rewrites on Adrenaline (shooting this Winter!)

Right now its 50 pages. And still Act 1.

Thats right, 50 pages - one act.

A better link.
Crimson Kiss (http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/crimsonkiss.html)

And, I also got a little bored.
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b14/AdamtheJohnson/CrimsonKissSig.jpg

[cerealkiller182]

Dont know if anyone mentioned this but i believe The Lurkers is going to be vampire/noir.

http://www.comingsoon.net/news.php?id=10592