View Full Version : It's an Idiot Parade (Movie Patrons Revisited)

Grim H.
07-02-2004, 01:06 AM
The following is based on true events that happened today: Much has been embellished for dramatic effect.

"Welcome to <insert here> theaters, how may I help you?"

It's 2 PM, and I'm sitting in the box-office at my theater. It's always dead on weekdays. I've stopped looking out for customers, for my attention is fixated on the glass that seems to trap me in here. It's spotless, almost as if I could reach through to the other side.

Is there really glass there?

A fly travelling at a velocity of 28.3 Mph, East, smacks into the window, the intertia shattering his body into a million pieces...he never saw it coming. All that's left of him is the guts smeared on the glass in front of me.

Dammit! I just cleaned that!

What to do? What to do? I could stare at the brick wall across the street, something interesting's bound to happen. Ah, forget it. Being bored'll have to wait...here comes a customer.

On weekdays, the only people who are home to see movies are old people, since they don't have jobs. A few of them manage to pry themselves from Wheel of Fortune long enough to pester me. She's old, and it looks to me like she's gonna see The Terminal.

"Excuse me, can I get one ticket?"
What movie?

"I'm a senior."
Yes...what movie?

I can see that you're a senior; you have more wrinkles than a nutsack, what movie are you seeing?"

Just then an ambulance goes roaring by with sirens blazing. The headphones I'm wearing to communicate to mouth-breathers outside amplify the noise tenfold.

Owww! Fuck!

Great, not only am I stuck selling tickets to Grandma Death, but now I'm partially deaf; I guess now we're on the same level.

After she walks inside (she was, after all, seeing The Terminal), I continue my quest for inner peace and tranquility by watching the havoc outside. A box-office is like a television with one lame channel on all the time; fuck MTV, this is the real world.

I'm about to reach Nirvana when some fat lady walks up, with her two daughters (I'm guessing), both of which are dressed in the height of Jennifer Lopez fashion. The mother decides to cup her eyes to see the movie times listed above my head, which wouldn't have been so bad, had she not resorted to using her whole arm to smudge the glass.

Damn, all that windex gone to waste!

"When's the next Garfield start?"
It won't start because we don't have it

"What about White Chicks?" The JLo clone blurts out.
God no

"Why aren't ya'll playing anything?"
Just to piss you off! And as you can tell, it worked perfectly!

After some minor difficulty, they finally leave. My quest for nirvana continues...my head is nodding back and forth, as I struggle to maintain consciousness.

*tap tap tap*

What is that? Am I dreaming?

*tap tap tap*

What the hell is that?

*tap tap tap*

I violently shake to life to see some peudo-intellectual hippie/stoner college kid.

"Hey, man. This sign says you're hiring, is that true?"
No, we just put it there cover the eviction notice

"Can I get an application, man?"
You know you will be drug tested, right? Pissing in a cup and all that cal.

I hand him the application and he gleefully begins filling it out. If I'm ever working next to this guy, I think to myself, shoot me. Before I can go and tell my manager not to hire that guy, the phone rings. Fuck, what now?

<insert name> theaters, how may I help you?
"Yes, I need to speak to the manager."

Sorry, he's busy at the moment.

"It's an emergency."
Are you dying?

"I'm not sure if I went the right way to get to the theater. How do I get there?"
If I were a psychic, maybe I could tell you

There's five people outside angry at me cause the newspaper can't read a fucking clock, and this lady's giving me shit because she can't pull over at a gas station.

"But I don't know where I am?"
I wish I had every street and every intersection in Florida mapped out in my brain, but frankly, I'm not Mapquest, and I never will be

I hand the phone to my friend, whom after trying to give this woman directions, eventually just hangs up...I give him a thumb's up. I don't think she ever found the theater...

I've read the posts, I've skimmed the threads, but the weekly encounters are trivial compared to what I now know. Every day is like a competition to see who can be the dumbest, most obnoxious customer. I'm never diappointed. Working in a movie theater is like watching an idiot parade...

Briare Rabbit
07-02-2004, 01:14 AM
Damn that's funny Grim.

And good job on the Clockwork Orange referance. Can anyone else spot it?

07-02-2004, 01:46 AM
HA! good stuff


07-02-2004, 02:15 AM
Most well constructed rant I have ever read.


07-02-2004, 03:03 AM
oh gawd it just KILLS me that people still can't read when approaching the box office. And people must sooo clueless not to say WHAT movie they are buying and expecting you to know which one they are going to. And that kid......oooooohhh SCARY..... :eek:

Grrreat story Grim :D

07-02-2004, 08:56 AM
Good stuff. :)

07-02-2004, 12:59 PM
Originally posted by outsyder
Most well constructed rant I have ever read.


07-02-2004, 02:26 PM
Grim, that was the best rant that I've read. So funny! :)

07-02-2004, 02:42 PM
I think we've found the ideal outline for the Clerks 2 script :D

07-02-2004, 05:42 PM
That has got to be one of the funniest and well-written rants I have read here.

And despite all of the horrible things that I've read, I still wanna work there. :D

07-02-2004, 09:24 PM
HAHA!! Great rant! :D

Duke Nukem
07-03-2004, 12:41 AM
Write out all your misadventures behind that box-office box, and you'd have a great book.

Grim H.
07-03-2004, 02:03 AM
Wow, I didn't expect it to get such a good reaction...but I'm glad someone appreciates my work...:D

07-03-2004, 02:49 AM
"Excuse me, can I get one ticket?"
What movie?

"I'm a senior."
Yes...what movie?

I can see that you're a senior; you have more wrinkles than a nutsack, what movie are you seeing?"

Just LOL.

Ever wish you could use the Jedi Mind Trick on douchebag customers?

CUSTOMER: Blah blah blah Harry Potter.
YOU: You are going to go home and reevaluate your life
CUSTOMER: I'm going to go home and reevaluate my life.

or the Death Grip? That'd be sweet.

07-03-2004, 04:58 AM
how about the TONGAN DEATH GRIP (obscure referance)


Grim H.
07-05-2004, 07:59 PM
hmm...I can see this is gonna be a tough rant for me to top..

don't worry, I'm working on it; I met several idiots yesterday...;)

07-06-2004, 02:14 AM
Anyone else think there should be a whole forum dedicated to pissed off theater employees?:cool: