Lessons you've Learned From Horror Movies.

[EVILxxx]

Return of the Living Dead 3: Always wear your helmet when riding a motorcycle.
Final Destination: Always look both ways before crossing.

[Cronos]

dont go down dark alleys or wooded areas at night

[the dead one]

These rules are a guideline for those to follow, I only hope that fellow schmoes will heed these warnings!:p

1. Always make sure your car,truck,camper or RV has all working gauges and most importantly gas, oil, anti-freeze/water and a Sears Die-Hard Battery! A RADIO is also important in case of anykind of announcement of "Zombie outbreak"or other disaters!!!

2. If traveling with family or friends, make sure that are the intellegent kind. No Sluts, No Dope Smokers, NO Drugs...Period! NO Booze Hounds, No Arrogant Jocks, No Jokesters or Wimps!!!

3. When stopping for directions at the local eatery or service station, heed ALL warnings by the "Local Crazy" Just turn around and go back home!!! But, if you must proceed with caution. If you come upon anykind of Satanic looking book, Amulet, Grave site, Altar, Old Shack, Cabin or House, Carvings, Markings, anything that arouses suspicion GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!!...hey these are my rules!!!

4. DONT GO SKINNY DIPPING ALONE AT NIGHT!!! DONT FIND A RELATIVELY SAFE PLACE TO FUCK...ESPECIALLY IN THE WOODS! Dipshits! :p

5. Never, open a door to answer any kind of disturbance from OUTSIDE with the following:

A- Whos There?

B- Alright, (insert persons name) Knock it off, I know its you man!

C- This isnt funny now, I mean it!!!

D- I dont know who's out there, but I swear Im going to kick your ASS!!!
(Yeah, right!)

E- I got a gun...(especially when you dont HAVE a gun!)

F- I'll be right back, just stay here babe...theres nothing to WORRY ABOUT!
(Some people never learn.)

6. Dont confront said disturbance with arrogance or else...

7. Listen to your friends, girlfriend or whatever,
when they tell you MAYBE we should just GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!(Good advice) Dont wait for the COPS they never come until it's ALL TOO LATE!!!!

8. If you and another person you're with, is running for you're very lives and the other person TRIPS and FALLS...Fuck em' KEEP MOVING...Hey, it's all about survival...besides If you're STUPID and un-cordinated TOUGH LUCK...Im outta' there!

9. When confronting and possibily defeating ANY kind of Horror related thing...MAKE SURE ITS DEAD!BURN IT, DICE IT, NUKE IT!

Whatever it takes to get the job done, this way NO SEQUEL and you're still ALIVE!!!

I hope these tips will help in future trips and vacations or a drive on any given time it would seem like a nice day for a DRIVE!
If you must Drive out to nowhere, these tips JUST might save your life!
;)

[EVILxxx]

Priceless the dead one.
"If you come upon anykind of Satanic looking book, Amulet, Grave site, Altar, Old Shack, Cabin or House, Carvings, Markings, anything that arouses suspicion GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!!...hey these are my rules!!!"
That is proably my favorite.

[syxxpac]

If Haute Tension has taught us anything, it's that the French can't be trusted :D

[jagged halo]

No change there.:D :D

[EVILxxx]

Dawn of the Dead: Helicoptor blades are sharper than they appear.

[the dead one]

Originally posted by EVILxxx
Dawn of the Dead: Helicoptor blades are sharper than they appear.

Kind of like...the side view mirror of your car: Objects are closer than they appear! ;)

this thread is FUN...I am having a blast X!!!:D

[EVILxxx]

Originally posted by the dead one
Kind of like...the side view mirror of your car: Objects are closer than they appear! ;)

this thread is FUN...I am having a blast X!!!:D

Glad to be of service. :cool:

The Thing: If something is wierd and pissed off... make sure to burn it.

[the dead one]

An additional survival rule: Also...Make sure that the Vehicle you are traveling in has a Spare Tire and Working Jack!
Besides, a Tire Iron can come in handy to bash in the killer or thing...

Almost forgot...cant be too careful! ;)

[Klownzilla]

Don't laugh at people's misfortunes.

Don't hassle the dead (They have eerie powers).

Don't venture out into the night in a drunken state.

Spy on suspicious neighbors to learn if they're less than human.

If you're going on a camping trip or staying in a cabin, take as many firearms as you can (If possible make sure you have a night watchman).

When zombies attack, move to the highest possible point.

If you play God and make a monster, don't abandon it (It will eventually get even).

[the dead one]

Rule #11 When something or someone is a miss, and the person or persons you're with think that YOU'RE imagination is RUNNING away with you!!!

Insist that THEY get a CATSCAN!!!;)

[C-Desecration-]

Little girls should be exorcised

Little boys are always white

Black people never live past twenty

Dead things that come back to life are trying to kill you

Any house with a picket-fence is evil

Butcher knives should under no circumstance be bought and put in the kitchen

If somebody wearing a mask is walking towards you with a bloody ax and starts cutting you up chances are he isn't your boyfriend

911 does not exist

If people start dieing find an ugly girl. Not only will she save your life, but afterwards you'll realize she's actually really hot

Every teenager is either an asshole or a nerd

People who wear hockey-masks around town should be avoided

William Shatner will kill you

If people are going missing chances are that mailman you saw once in your life is the culprit

If you hear a scream, don't go see who it is

Putting your hands over your face will not protect you from a chainsaw

People who are bullied end up pyschotic madmen

If you play sports you're in trouble

Next time you dream about having sex with Amy Lee watch out because she's going to grow fangs and her skin's going to fall off and she's going to turn into a burned child molestor and kill you

Closing a door will not stop a two-hundred ninety pound undead maniac

If you take a shower you will die

If people start talking in tongues and walking on all fours something might be wrong

Nobody stays dead

Graveyards are always foggy

Chopsticks aren't good weapons

Phone calls at midnight mean one thing: somebody wants you dead

The weird/creepy guy who lives across the street will save your life. The nice/sweet guy who lives next door will shoot your dog.

If you play videogames you're safe

People in masks never speak

If you run over some dude his sister's boyfriend's father's business partner will hunt you down

If your name ends in an "i" you're going to die

When you're being chased hooking your foot into a twig and falling down won't save you

Virgins always survive

[Khain]

Hilarious thread, well done Evilxxx

If you're gonna be alone somewhere for a week end, try and pick a place where you cellphone can work.

And think "spare batteries" for your stuff, dammit !

Oh, and try not to dig horror movies. Whatever happens, don't wear an horror t-shirt, or you're doomed to die just after saying something like "Hey, this is just like Evil Dead, cool, dude.... *schlark*"

[the dead one]

Originally posted by Khain
Oh, and try not to dig horror movies. Whatever happens, don't wear an horror t-shirt, or you're doomed to die just after saying something like "Hey, this is just like Evil Dead, cool, dude.... *schlark*"

Excellent Khain! LOL :D :D :D !!!

[Khain]

Originally posted by the dead one
Excellent Khain! LOL :D :D :D !!!

Thanks :)

Also : don't be over confident when fighting a vampire. Garlic won't work if you think it will, and the creature's powers are inversely proportional to your beliefs.

[Inglorious]

Originally posted by Klownzilla
Spy on suspicious neighbors to learn if they're less than human.

That almost proved bad in your favorite film Zilla...

So are you one-hundred percent sure about that?

[ComeNightfall]

Listen to people who tell you to stop fooling around with alien DNA, because an accident will happen and you will turn into a monster.

It's not a good time to suddenly discover you're gay. You won't live to get laid.

Senile old people are the smartest people alive.

Ladies, schedule a hystorectomy, because getting impregnated by some nasty beast isn't as crazy as you think.

Rednecks in overalls and pickup trucks are prime targets for the psycho killers, and make great comic relief. Country music=certain death.

That sweet middle aged woman/man offering you a ride more than likely is the maniac.

Don't celebrate holidays or special events after listening to a story about when someone went crazy and committed mass murder during the last one.

The family pet will either do one of two things: save the day or become possessed by some unknown force.

[EVILxxx]

Coughs, sneezes, and other bodily noises always pop up when the killer is just about to leave the room.
P.S.
If the killer does leave the room trust me he knows where you are, he is just giving you a false sense of security.

If you are a child make sure you are always nice to all of your classmates, or the one you tease will undoubtedly go bonkers and hold you responsible.
P.S.
You can't be too nice either or they will fall madly in love with you and for some reason they will undoubtedly go bonkers and hold you responsible.

[EVILxxx]

Originally posted by ComeNightfall

Don't celebrate holidays or special events after listening to a story about when someone went crazy and committed mass murder during the last one.


Ahahaha! So True.

[syxxpac]

Apparently, most psycho killers have a trusty pet cat that they can stuff into nooks and crannies to jump out of or toss through an open window for a cheap scare.

[the dead one]

Originally posted by C-Desecration-
Black people never live past twenty

If people start dieing find an ugly girl. Not only will she save your life, but afterwards you'll realize she's actually really hot

Every teenager is either an asshole or a nerd

****Putting your hands over your face will not protect you from a chainsaw

People who are bullied end up pyschotic madmen

Phone calls at midnight mean one thing: somebody wants you dead

If your name ends in an "i" you're going to die

Virgins always survive


EXCELLENT C-D...LOL!!! :D :D :D ****My personal favorite!!!

[TheAxeGrinder]

- Serial killers/undead slashers/alien hunters don't accept money as bribes
- Animals almost never die
- One Camper will always do something stupid that ends up screwing the rest of their group over
- No one plays dead or feigns being hurt except for the villains

[Horror/GoreFanatic]

1. If your in the middle of the woods, find a dead body, and then proceed to go skinny dipping, you deserve to die.

2.If a flesh-eating virus is killing off your friends and you don't know how it spreads , you probably shouldn't go and fuck one of em.

3.If you decide to watch a videotape of something you taped, and it turns out to be a creepy video with disturbing images, stop the tape and, DON"T WATCH IT All THE WAY THROUGH!!!!

4.If a tape starts reciting demon resurrection passages, STOP IT!

[ComeNightfall]

Ok, some more:

If you get an invitation to a class reunion or party and it takes place at a creepy mansion, don't go.

Don't play any of these pranks:

-Calling people and telling them "I saw what you did and I know who you are."

-Tricking someone into thinking they're gonna get laid and when they come to the bed, a dead body is in it. That person will go bonkers and come after you 10 years later.

Quit trying to pledge a sorority or fraternity if you have to spend a night in a house where a murder took place or it's supposedly haunted. The ghosts/killer always come back.

People who are possessed become horny toads ready to do it with anybody.

If you're getting obscene phone calls, more than likely they're coming from inside the house.

[Khain]

Don't take any f***cing hitchiker. No matter how she/he lookes, the prettier the more dangerous.

When you find a basement full of mutilated corpses, don't try to understand what kind of bladed knife could have made that. Get outta here.

When the person living above this basement gets you, don't lose time begging for your life. Look for a way to make his head meet an axe instead.

[EVILxxx]

The funnier you are the higher the likely hood of the chances you won't survive.
If you hear a noise and you track it downh only to realize it was just the wind or an animal, LOOK OUt, the killer is in the room.

[the dead one]

Rule #10...(I totally forgot #10, by listing #11 first!)

Under NO circumstance, should you EVER be PARTY or WITNESS to someone elses MURDER...MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!!
It's HEALTHIER THAT WAY!!!

[Antonio]

Don't drop the knife and never assume that your assailant is in fact dead!

[ComeNightfall]

And some more:

Don't accept a babysitting job, psycho killers are attracted to them like flies on shit.

Tight clothing=death.

Promising the killer sexual favors just gets them even more angrier.

After the prom/homecoming dance/Halloween party JUST GO HOME AND GO TO BED! Don't explore graveyards, don't go to the creepy old house, and don't go into the woods.

[Khain]

Don't skip school to hang around with your friends if you heard on the news there's a serial killer around.

[Jas]

If there's a killer in your house, OUT THE DOOR, NOT UP THE STAIRS....Dumbasses...:D

[ComeNightfall]

Don't hang out in cornfields.

Don't throw your own raves.

That quiet dark-haired kid with the unusual eyes shouldn't be trusted.

If you hear noises in the basement or in the attic, just leave.

Don't hang around with the rap fans.

If you're watching a horror movie within a horror movie, chances are you or someone will get killed in the theater.

Don't take in that creepy looking stray dog that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

[Jason13thh]

Be friend with the shiny, lonely character, that could save your life.

If you encounter a massive guy wearing a hockey mask, you are a goner !

Most of the time the college students are too stupid to actually study at colllege.

Stoner always die, I would be dead in a minute in a slasher movie, that's for sure !
:p

Never do skinny-dipping.

[EVILxxx]

If you are attractive and you are naked there is a good chance that your number will be up soon.

[ComeNightfall]

Don't celebrate graduating from high school by spending the night in an abandoned furniture store.

Don't stay over at the college over holiday weekends to help out.

Don't go to college period.

Old fat men always lust after girls old enough to be their granddaughters.

Moms love their sons waaaaaay too much.

The killer always spys on the person dancing around half-naked in their room while listening to synthesizer music or generic rock music before he/she axes them.

Don't take your friends up to see a piece of property you inherited from a relative you never saw.

Inbred twins are always homicidal maniacs.

The outcast little boy always gets kidnapped by the killer but survives.

Don't stand around while someone is changing into a werewolf or monster. Get the hell away before you turn into creature food!

[ChemicalRomance]

+Do not have sex at camp.

[EVILxxx]

People being killed sound a hell of alot like people having sex. Learn to distinguish between the two.

[Cthulu13]

Abandoned places are usually abandoned for a reason.
Fire is your friend. Use it liberally. Better an arsonist than a corpse.

Always aim for the head.

Don't try to kill the monster. He's the star and you're an extra, and the extra never kills the star.

Even if you survive the first one, you'll die in the sequel.

Never have your weak little sister hold your ankles as you try to find out whats at the bottom of a sewer where you've just seen the killer dump several bodies.

Dolls are evil. All of them. No exceptions.

[SilentNight29]

what did I learn? Don't buy anything from ToeTag Pictures.

[ParileseMonster]

Well, if you happen to be a dog or a cat and you hear or sense something before the humans do, do not investigate! Just let those fuckers who refused you a milk bone search for themselves! Screw em! :D

[EVILxxx]

If you find yourself in a room where all of your friends are dead and a figure begins to chase you.... do not worry this means you are probably the heroine and will find a way to outsmart the killer.

[Murderous Squad]

I learned not to fuck with killers and not t o fall to the floor when a qsycho is chasing you and actually try and crawl your way out instead of just standing up and running...stupid teens in slashers.

BTW this is my 1000th post finally a SUPER SCHMOE

[psul]

My general rule for serial killers is:

"If you have to check, they're not dead"

For example, the following methods will NEVER be completely effective ways of killing a killer, because you would have to check the corpse to make sure:

Drowning/suffocation/gassing
Car crashes or being run over
Falls of any kind, no matter how far
Electrocution - in fact, this may just make them stronger
Explosions - unless you actually see body parts separating
Gunshots to anywhere except the head
Stabbings - if you have something sharp, cut 'em up, dammit!

Remember kids, decapitation is the most effective way of stopping a serial killer, bar none.

Of course, if you're dealing with:

a) the supernatural
b) aliens
c) anything from the future

then all bets are off. But at least this way you've got a shot at the sequel.

[Cthulu13]

Try to make friends with everyone. You'll still die, but at least there'll be alot o' people at your funeral. . .

[BoyScoutKevin]

And my favorite . . .

If you are thumbing a ride, and you get into a car with a beautiful woman (i.e. the boy scout in "Lair of the White Worm" or the young West German in 1974's "The Tempter") you are going to die, but you are going to die with a smile on your face, because sex doesn't get any better, especially if you are a virgin.

[EvilDeadGirl]

NEVER listen to some tape you found in a cabin in the woods. IF you do chances are your all pretty much fucked.

NEVER go back to the same cabin where all of your friends became possessed and you ended up slaughtering them. Learn from your past experiences!

Make sure your not the group slut or bitch. If you are then chances are your next on the killers list.

[Jason13thh]

Always listen the crazy guy who says: "Don't go there it is a doomed place !"

Never say: " I come back" 'cause you won't !

The virgins always survive (just a few exceptions like The Convent)

[Khain]

If you just had sex with the girl of you dreams, especially if you're a big geek with glasses, don't dream : you're gonna die in horrible pain.

[Shatter]

When fleeing from a killer, running in a straight line and screaming as you run just makes it easier for them to find you.

Always make sure your vehicle is in perfect working condition before going away with your friends. Whether it's a weekend at that cabin by the lake in the woods, or a road trip to some old abandoned place.

If you manage to temporarily lose the killer by hiding in a closet, wait more than a few seconds before you open the door to see if he's gone.

[EVILxxx]

If you and your friends are driving up for your weekend getaway and you hear a reporter on the radio goping on about an escaped lunatic... don't turn off the radio or change the station, what he says is vital to your survival.

[the dead one]

Rule #12

When Traveling with family on "Christmas Eve", NEVER and I mean EVER!!!
STOP for a man in a "SANTA OUTFIT"!!!:eek:

[ComeNightfall]

Psycho killers love to dress up while stalking their victims. If you see someone in a high school/college mascot outfit, run.

Speaking of mascots, the slut always gets turned on by guys in mascot outfits.

Someone ends up having a loony twin, or is a loony twin.

When someone shouts out "Let's spend the night in the funhouse!", just go home.

Stealing joints or money or both leads to death.

Don't swim after midnight even if you're wearing a swimsuit.

Don't hide in a refridgerator.

Don't say anything in front of a mirror 5 times.

Don't have sleepovers the same night an escaped lunatic is on the loose.

[EVILxxx]

No matter how ingenius your hiding place appears to be always remember this... "There are no good hiding spots!"

[the dead one]

Originally posted by EVILxxx
No matter how ingenius your hiding place appears to be always remember this... "There are no good hiding spots!"

Rule#13
Listen to EVILxxx...there are NO good HIDING spots!!!!;)

[Cthulu13]

Originally posted by the dead one
Rule#13
Listen to EVILxxx...there are NO good HIDING spots!!!!;)

Except in a bank vault sorrounded by dynamite and twinkies.

[the dead one]

Originally posted by Cthulu13
Except in a bank vault sorrounded by dynamite and twinkies.

Then again there is the exception to the rule!;)

Twinkies RULE!!!:D

[TheAxeGrinder]

Solving Rubik's Cube lookalikes can get you killed.

Stuff you think is a dream will get you killed when you wake up.

Use a wristwatch to prevent feeding your exotic pets after midnight.

[Khain]

Don't know if we mentioned it, but I think Tuco's rule still applies :

"If you have to shoot, shoot ! Don't talk."

[EVILxxx]

All the martial arts in the world will not save you.

[Crow]

any person can use a bazooka-ScareCrow Slayer,Spiders

[TheDeadWalk]

Originally posted by EVILxxx
All the martial arts in the world will not save you.

*Void rap artists and white women who pick up the study of martial arts after the loss an older brother who studied the arts.

[Jason13thh]

Do not try to play the smart guy you would be dead in a minute.

If you are a prankster you are a goner !:D