Opinions please on my first chapter of novel.

[Horror]

Thanks for the opinions, much appreciated.

[Juice]

I love the beginning and I'm sure that I'd want to read more if I was sitting in a comfy chair with a good glass of wine, etc.

I absolutely love sentences like these:
Originally posted by Horror
It should have been gnawing in the back of his mind like a sewer rat ravenously eating a piece of meat, the moment he came back into consciousness.
A really perfect way to open it with a nice metaphor that has something nasty about it and enough information to make me curious. Sentences like these pulled me into the story. Good to see you kept the level up.

However, things like this
That thought was once again followed by his utter confusion, incomprehensible awareness and just the mere fact that he was pissed off that was confirmed by his next words, as he simply says the word, “fuck” out loud.

are just ridiculous, they could have been hilarious in a humoristic story, but just seem way off here. Way to much words to tell such a simple thing. Only use it in absurd comedy writing.

I think you're getting a bit to subjective here:
“Where am I? He utters once again like a line from the worst horror movie you ever saw. It is then that he finally heard his own voice. But his own voice sounded unfamiliar. This was probably due to the fact that he was scared shitless as he realized he wasn’t quite sure where he was.


Using words like 'the worst horror movie you ever saw', kind of makes me think you're throwing your own opinion in. Totally unnessacary and annoying. A word like 'shitless' don't really fits in your writing style, if you ask me (exept if characters say it, of course).

Oh, I’m drunk as shit and I’m hearing things,” He laughs to himself.

AAARGGH! He says to himself!!! How the fuck is he gonna laugh things to himself? How many times do people actually laugh words? It's possible that they say things laughing, but laughing hole sentences is just ridiculous, and nobody would do it in this guy's situation.

“I’ve never been this drunk in my life, I need to get home and get some sleep, he says to himself in a “I’m such an idiot manner.”

That also sounds pretty stupid if you ask me. Since the 'I'm such an idiot manner' is a word you made up, it really doesn't fit stories where the writer is only someone to tell the story, and it's not about him.

One more thing: it goes without saying that you should choose one time you write in. One moment, everything he does has happened in the past, the next moment it's happening right now.

[Horror]

Thanks for the feedback!

I agree with most things that you said, as I've been thinking about deleting a few of those phrases myself. I think I overused the phrases "laughs to himself" or "tells himself" etc. to the point of distraction. The scenes of comedy I have I also think are quite lame, I just think thier's nothing funny about this situation.

I realize my story needs some work and I'm certainly willing to give it a lot of work. I'm hoping that the problems with the story are out of my own virginity when it comes to this style of writing, (at least since I was about 13 years old). This is hard to write, but at the same time I'm loving every minute of it.

Again, thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.


P.S. to dishonest people.
And please noone copy my material, as i am working on a copywrigt as I type.

[countchocula]

I don't have time right now, but I'll read this tomorrow. I'm no writing expert, but I know how frustrating this craft can be. In fact, I gave up creative writing a few years ago because it pissed me off so much.

On second thought, maybe I shouldn't be giving literary advice. LOL!

[Cronos]

i read the first half of it and apart from what Juice commented on the main criticism i have is that you have too much comparing of what he thinks and does, this can be a really good thing to use but when it is utilised in every second or third sentence it can become very annoying

ill read the rest of it later when i have more time and post my thoughts on it

[kmksskater]

I personally liked it a lot the way you wrote got me more into it because i wanted to know what will happen or if he'll be killed by the image he saw good job keep on writing and practice and nto to get angry at it because i try to write my own stories and it can be frustrating

[Horror]

Thanks for the feedback; all comments good and bad are much appreciated.



Although, I guess I had alot of information involving what my character thought or did in this scene because I thought the scene should have been primarily about that. I thought the most intresting thing in these pages would be what my character thought of the odd situation, so I tried to focus mostly on that.


I've written a few more chapters that feature my descriptions and history of the character in those pages. These pages is just supposed to hang a giant question mark over the reader's head as it's not really supposed to go anywhere or be about anything, it works just as an introduction to make the reader intrested.

With that being said, I think I am going to overhaul this opening and squeeze out all the comedy that I can, leaving only terror. There however, will be other scenes in my story of comedy that comes from the characters, but in scenes that are supposed to be serious, I think I'll leave it serious.



Again, thank you!

[Horror]

Allright I dried up most of the comedy, the results can be seen above in my newely edited post. The things that juice had mentioned have been changed (except word tenses, which i'll change when I have more time to meticulouley edit.)

I'm sure however this isn't the last time I'm going to write these few pages, but it's at least a start in the right direction.

[countchocula]

The story itself is intriguing, and I'd be interested to know where it leads to, but there are a litany of grammatical mistakes. Obviously, I can't go over each one, but for example...

“And then their was light,” the great quote goes and that is true as the lighter illuminated a glow across, well, wherever he was at that moment. At this action he responds “alright where the hell am I”

1) "Their" should be "there."
2) The first sentence sounds very awkward. First off, I wouldn't have included the quote. If you're trying to establish mood, such a quote mitigates the sense of unease. Also, you never tell us what he pulls out of his pocket. All we know is that it's a rectangular object. You refer to it as "the lighter" before you've told us that it is, in fact, a lighter. I hope that makes sense.
3) You need a comma after "action" and "responds."
4) "Alright" should be capitalized.
5) You need a comma after "alright."
6) You need a question mark after "I."

I would delete the second sentence altogether, and instead, delineate his mental state without dialogue. But this is a lot of criticism. If you're just writing for fun, it doesn't need to be grammatically sound. All the same, many of the oversights are blatant, and if you're looking to get this published, they'll need to be cleaned up.

Keep at it and good luck!

[Horror]

Thanks for the feedback Count, and I know there's actually quite a bit of grammatical mistakes. I just actually looked through it right now pretty hard for the first time, and got a few of them, but I know there's still many that still loom in the pages.

It was just editing was giving me such a headache, that I'm saving the bulk of it until I'm done. It's much easier to do in my few page reviews, (though I’m not saying my reviews are free from mistakes, I just think there's less. )

Anyways, I'm currently at the fifteen-page point, that is, single-spaced on 10 font. I've only written maybe 6 days total, for 2-3 hours a day, which isn't that much. So, I definitely have some major editing and much, much more writing to do.


I'm writing seriously I'll admit, but also I'm just trying to get the darn thing done. I’m correcting the story’s flow mostly and getting my ideas how I want them on paper. Yet, once it's done at that point, I'll go through and chip away at the grammar.

[Kocko]

Aye; love to make comment but where the fook is the fooking chapters.


aaaagggghhhh dayzed and confused.

[spacemonkey]

It was up for some time, but it seems he edited his post cause he doesnt want anyone plagirizing his grand masterpiece! I understand you buddy!

I never got to read it either and would have liked to comment on it, but I guess we arrived late to the airport and the plain took off.

[Horror]

Thanks for the support guys, and I'm sorry it's not here anymore. However...

In some ways yes, I am scared of plagiarizing, but in many ways I'll admit, I’m a little embarrassed of my story. I can't really explain it, as usually I like the piecesI write. However, with this being the first piece of fiction that I've written for quite a long time I have some major improvements to be made in my writing, as I'll have to say I'm quite unhappy with this particular piece.

Anyway, I am going to make adjustments to it and I'm also writing another piece of fiction that's going quite good now, as I'm getting used to get more of what I want on paper.

I'll probably post my next short story on here, if it's ok with the moderator, of course.

[Kocko]

I'll make sure I read the next one before it's removed.

:cool:

[The_Driller_Killer]

Originally posted by Horror
Thanks for the feedback Count, and I know there's actually quite a bit of grammatical mistakes. I just actually looked through it right now pretty hard for the first time, and got a few of them, but I know there's still many that still loom in the pages.

It was just editing was giving me such a headache, that I'm saving the bulk of it until I'm done. It's much easier to do in my few page reviews, (though I’m not saying my reviews are free from mistakes, I just think there's less. )

Anyways, I'm currently at the fifteen-page point, that is, single-spaced on 10 font. I've only written maybe 6 days total, for 2-3 hours a day, which isn't that much. So, I definitely have some major editing and much, much more writing to do.


I'm writing seriously I'll admit, but also I'm just trying to get the darn thing done. I’m correcting the story’s flow mostly and getting my ideas how I want them on paper. Yet, once it's done at that point, I'll go through and chip away at the grammar.

Cool, another horror writer! I didn't get the chance to read your chapter because it was gone by the time this thread caught my attention. I can offer a little bit of advice, however. Always type in 12 point, Courier font, double spaced. When you submit to a publisher, that will be what is expected of you. I've gone through the exhausting ritual of submitting manuscripts to publishers since I was about 14 and have picked up a few things here and there, despite not being professionally published. I'll let you in on something else: EXPECT TO BE REJECTED. I don't intend that in a meanspirited way, mind you. It's a given. In order to become a published author, you must roll with the punches. On average, it takes a first time writer 300 rejections before getting the 1 that actually likes the material. I know it may be incredibly, remarkably difficult, but take each "no" with a grain of salt, no matter how heartless, rude, petty, or just plain mean editors and/or publishers may be to you. I know I've literally been driven to tears myself. But hey, you get over it and if you're anything like me, you end up becoming not only a stronger person, but a better writer because of their heartlessness. Anyways, if you'd like to chat sometime about horror writing, gimme a holler. You can PM me here, or add me to your messenger. I'm always on MSN. DeliciousFires@msn.com.

Take care and keep at it. :)