Tom Sizemore's Fake Penis

[AceD]

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050211/people_nm/crime_sizemore_dc

Apparently good ol' Tommy failed a drug test after trying to use a prosthetic penis to fake the test. This whole thing just makes me laugh, I'm sorry. I just wish I could have seen it when Tom asked someone where he could get a fake penis. Did he really think this would work? Really, I like the guy as an actor a lot, but he won't ever live this one down. Late-night talk show hosts will be on this like crazy.

[chilli pepper]

Wait wait, hold on. How exactly are you supposed to fake a drug test, using a plastic penis? How would that work? What the fuck was he thinking?

[Scarface98.9]

I'm not sure what makes me laugh more; the fact that he tried to pass a drug test by using a fake penis, or the fact that the fake one he was using is called The Whizzinator

[James Logan]

"...using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack."

Now that is just hilarious. First of all, why a fake penis and not just a urine pocket? And second of all, if the "Whizzinator" is such a terrific device, how come it couldn't even heat the urine to the proper temperature?

This is lame. Very, very lame.

[Twisted Sister]

The best part? It's the SECOND TIME he's tried to use a fake penis to pass a drug test.

I am speechless...

[syxxpac]

Originally posted by James Logan
First of all, why a fake penis and not just a urine pocket?

I guess Tom wanted more Size.

[Buck Turgidson]

I hope he used this when he was fucking Heidi Fleiss...

[Tagia_Romero]

What a dick. *Sorry*

[Fisting Ackbar]

http://www.thewhizzinator.com/

Ha, they even have different skin tones available.

[Voodoodoll]

:D I'm laughing so much it hurts.

[James Logan]

Originally posted by Fisting Ackbar
http://www.thewhizzinator.com/

Ha, they even have different skin tones available.

I bet Tom tried to use the black one. ;)

Just imagine the look on the drug tester's face when he asked Tom to take the pants off...

"Ah-HA!"

[Patrick Bateman]

Ha!











Ha!











HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

[Twisted Sister]

Considering his past, I'd say that this latest drug test failure was...

pre-"dick"-table.

[syxxpac]

Originally posted by Twisted Sister
Considering his past, I'd say that this latest drug test failure was...

pre-"dick"-table.

BA-ZING!

You get "Syxxpac's Punny Award of Excellence".

[KcMsterpce]

Hey, look at that!
An article that has no NEED for a joke, because the article itself is funnier than what anyone can say about it!

This is some great stuff. I wonder how many hits the 'Whizzinator' site is going to get these next few weeks. They ought to be happy about this.

Dick and fart jokes a almost always funny, though, so making jokes about a fake dick from an actor who plays fake characters and IS a dick is rather fitting.
This article is like a pun within a pun within one.

[Twisted Sister]

Originally posted by KcMsterpce
...making jokes about a fake dick from an actor who plays fake characters and IS a dick is rather fitting.
This article is like a pun within a pun within one.

God, all of the irony in that statement is absolutely fantastic. Brilliant!

[Twisted Sister]

Originally posted by syxxpac
BA-ZING!

You get "Syxxpac's Punny Award of Excellence".

Much ass, grassy ass, mon frere!

[Lindsey]

Wow, the Whizzinator can be used for bouth males and females...Interesting.

You got to give Tom Sizemore a little credit to try to pull that one off. If I was him, I'd go through great lenghts trying to pass the test too. But it's definitely embarassing that he got caught. Poor thing. ;)

[Ted Pikul]

Sounds like it was the "great lengths" that got him caught in the first place.;)

[James Logan]

Originally posted by Lindsey
Wow, the Whizzinator can be used for bouth males and females...Interesting.


I don't get that. :)

"All right, Miss Cortez, you will please deliver a urine sample in this cu...wow, wow, woah!"
"What?"
"What in hell is that?"
"That"? (beat) "That's my dick."
"Oh. Ok. Carry on."

Huh? :)

[Nachokoolaid]

Originally posted by James Logan
"...using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack."

Now that is just hilarious. First of all, why a fake penis and not just a urine pocket? And second of all, if the "Whizzinator" is such a terrific device, how come it couldn't even heat the urine to the proper temperature?

This is lame. Very, very lame.

From this post, I gather that you have never been drug tested by a professional organization. I've tested a few times for the NCAA, and it's serious business. There's a guy, watching the piss flow from your penis, into the cup. The bag o' urine would be seen immediately. There's no going into a stall and coming out and giving the guy the cup like you see in some movies.

I think it's funny that the prosthetic actually was convincing enough to work, but only the temperature gave him away. Good effort, but bad execution. He should have done more research as to the right way to raise the temperature.

Plus, I don't know why he used this fake dick thing. He could have just given himself an oil change, and it would have been more effective, and the temperature would've been right. I guess he's thinking with the wrong head.

[James Logan]

Originally posted by Nachokoolaid

From this post, I gather that you have never been drug tested by a professional organization.

Dude, caught me. ;) No, actually, I never have. Is it as much fun as they say it is? Because I hear it tops Disney World. ;)

Originally posted by Nachokoolaid

There's a guy, watching the piss flow from your penis, into the cup.

Well, I've done THAT. But I don't think he was part of any professional organization...It was more like just a normal Friday night.

Originally posted by Nachokoolaid

I think it's funny that the prosthetic actually was convincing enough to work...

See, that's what induced me in error. I went to thewhizzinator.com (yes, yes, I was curious :)). I've seen more realistic dildos. I mean, seriously:

http://www.thewhizzinator.com/images/model1_small.jpg

http://www.thewhizzinator.com/images/color-whites.jpg

That looks like plastic to me. I mean, obviously, no one wants to run an extended study of your cock, but still. I was actually confused at first, because I felt I knew that you don't take your piss alone in the stall and come out -- but then I went to the website and figured well, I'd have spotten that.

[Nachokoolaid]

Originally posted by James Logan
Dude, caught me. ;) No, actually, I never have. Is it as much fun as they say it is? Because I hear it tops Disney World. ;)



Well, I've done THAT. But I don't think he was part of any professional organization...It was more like just a normal Friday night.



:D That's sort of freaky. I prefer to piss in the toilet, without any supervision.

The worst part about all this damn piss testing is that they wake you up at like 5:30 am to do it. That always sucked. Good part= all the free juice you want, until you do the deed. That's why you hold it for awhile, to make them pay you for inconveniencing you, in juice.

[Patrick Bateman]

Originally posted by Nachokoolaid
:D That's sort of freaky. I prefer to piss in the toilet, without any supervision.

The worst part about all this damn piss testing is that they wake you up at like 5:30 am to do it. That always sucked. Good part= all the free juice you want, until you do the deed. That's why you hold it for awhile, to make them pay you for inconveniencing you, in juice.

LMAO

Personally, I think Sizemore should have atleast contacted Paul Thomas Anderson to make him a Wizzinator. Would have loved to have seen the reaction to THAT! :eek: :D

[DoCk]

Originally posted by James Logan
I bet Tom tried to use the black one. ;)

Just imagine the look on the drug tester's face when he asked Tom to take the pants off...

"Ah-HA!"


bbbbbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha!!!!

[Joshmo]

It always amazes me....if these drug abusing losers spent at least HALF the time into putting forth the effort in cleaning up their lives as they do in trying to think up ways to beat the system so they can continue harming themselves.... the same with career criminals...damn..if both these sets of losers were to harness their creative powers for GOOD, imagine what they might actually accomplish in their lives. :rolleyes:

[KcMsterpce]

Originally posted by Joshmo
It always amazes me....if these drug abusing losers spent at least HALF the time into putting forth the effort in cleaning up their lives as they do in trying to think up ways to beat the system so they can continue harming themselves.... the same with career criminals...damn..if both these sets of losers were to harness their creative powers for GOOD, imagine what they might actually accomplish in their lives. :rolleyes:

This sure fits nicely with your current avatar. Hehehe...

http://www-unix.mcs.anl.gov/~linderot/images/superman.jpg

[APzombie]

Good Lord the power of the internet!

[William Munny]

The temptation here would be to make fun of Sizemore, but I'm not going to give in. I love this guy to death, and I've done everything short of sending him bail money just so I can see him in a few more films.

Here's to hoping he gets back into his 90's groove (remember "Heat"?) and finds some great roles. If it takes a Whizzinator to do it, well then, I wish him the best of luck.

[Ted Pikul]

He doesn't need bail money.

He needs a lifelike dildo. Surely the make up artists of Hollywood could rally round?

[Nachokoolaid]

Originally posted by Ted Pikul
He doesn't need bail money.

He needs a lifelike dildo. Surely the make up artists of Hollywood could rally round?

We should tell him to call up Mark Wahlberg. He probably still has his Dirk Diggler piece.

Although then they'd probably KNOW Sizemore was faking it....



Although, his name is SizeMORE. Mmm.

[B1rd_Po0p]

.... I'm speechless. This has got to be the funniest thread I've read all night... Bloody flippin' celebrity entertainment.

[King of Depew]

No shit! I'm with William Munny on this one, this fake penis and his insanity makes me love him even more. I can't believe he beat Heidi Fleiss because she made fun of him when they were on Howard. Tom fucking rules. He's even closer now to "Commander Tom" from Bringing Out the Dead than ever.

I heard he's homeless too now, and like living in people's garages in Hollywood and shit. I told my chick: "If I see Tom Sizemore walking around aimlessly in the street, WE'RE TAKING HIM HOME!" Fuck it, he can crash at my place! Ah, so he might steal my stereo and/or valuables to buy drugs, it's worth it. He gave me hours of entertainment in my life in True Romance, Heat, Saving Ryan's Privates, Bringing Out the Dead, Natural Born Killers, etc. Way I see it, I owe him.

"Hey Pedro...c'mere ya little motherfucker. No no, I'm not gonna hurtcha. I'm just gonna give you your first lesson in becoming an American. It's called...eat my shit!" - Commander Tom

*Anyone ever notice that super quick Tom cameo in Casino? It's at the beginning when Ace comes into the room to give Remo his tips, he walks past the bar where you see Nicky (Joe Pesci) talking to a couple guys at the bar and Tom Sizemore is sitting there facin' the camera.

[Ted Pikul]

"I can't believe he beat Heidi Fleiss because she made fun of him when they were on Howard."

So he's a wife beater & you still admire him? :rolleyes:

[B1rd_Po0p]

Originally posted by King of Depew
I heard he's homeless too now, and like living in people's garages in Hollywood and shit.

Hey Tom - I have a room you can rent. One warning though: you hit me and you are GONNA get hit back... "You walk over here; but you limpin' back!"