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View Full Version : Best critics' quotes for bad movies


FeverDog420
06-17-2002, 02:20 AM
A thread elsewhere had a couple of Schmoes posting some funny quotes, so I thought it'd be a fun topic of its own.

So, here's some of my faves from my man Ebert:

Little Indian, Big City
"It is not in French with English subtitles, however. It has been dubbed into English - a canny move, since the movie is not likely to appeal to anyone who can read."

Charlie's Angels
"Eye candy for the blind."

Christopher Columbus: The Discovery
"Brando has phoned in roles before, but this was the first time I wanted to hang up."

Clifford
"There is something extraterrestrial about it, as if it's based on the sense of humor of an alien race with a completely different relationship to the physical universe."

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
"Cheap, but not inexpensive."

Dice Rules
"It could not be more damaging to the career of Andrew Dice Clay if it had been made as a documentary by someone who hated him."

Last Rites
"Was there no one connected with this project who read the screenplay, considered the story, evaluated the proposed film, and vomited?"

Pearl Harbor
"Although you may walk out quoting lines of dialogue, it will not be because you admire them."

Emmanuelle - the Joys of a Woman
"The characters wander from one encounter to another like wife-swappers at a post-lobotomy ball."

Jungle 2 Jungle
"The plot has been removed from a French film called Little Indian, Big City. The operation is a failure and the patient dies."

A Place for Lovers
"The screenplay was written by no less than five writers, who were possibly locked into separate rooms and forbidden to communicate."

Psycho (1998)
The most dramatic difference between Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (1960) and Gus Van Sant's "shot-by-shot" remake is the addition of a masturbation scene. That's appropriate, because this new Psycho evokes memories in an attempt to re-create remembered passion."

Guyana - Cult of the Damned
"[It] has crawled out from under a rock and into local theaters, and will do nicely as this week's example of the depths to which people will plunge in search of a dollar."

Johnny Utah
06-17-2002, 12:43 PM
What about the classic North review where he goes on about hating it. That wa great on the Rob Reiner roast when Richard Belzer comes up and reads that review. These movies are easy targets though.

syxxpac
06-17-2002, 02:05 PM
Did anybody ever read the first sentences of Roger Ebert's review of Jason X lol!!

Zed
06-17-2002, 02:25 PM
A recent one by JoBlo:

Scooby Doo

Anyway, don't see this picture if you're an adult and expecting a good movie because this ain't it. If you smoke the green stuff, this might certainly light your fire, or if you have kids, they will likely enjoy the quirkiness of the goofiness within, but overall, the film is a puffball among puffball summer movies, and unless you've got nothing better to do, I suggest waiting for video, and even then...make sure you're either drunk or messing around with your honey at the same time, cause there isn't much about it that you'll likely remember.

http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

And now another "JoBlo classic" of last year summer:

Jurassic Park III

You're also not gonna give half a shit about the bogus mom/dad/son reunion that they decided to slap into this chomp-fest and will certainly roll your eyes after you see how one cellular phone could survive being thrown off a plane, eaten by a dinosaur, digested by the same, crapped out, searched and found by certain humans, rained upon and then used to make a long-distance call. What on God's name were the screenwriters and director thinking there?!?

http://www.joblo.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Lazy Boy
06-17-2002, 02:31 PM
My favorite Ebert quote, from his negative review of PATCH ADAMS:

"If this guy broke into my hospital room and started tap-dancing with bedpans on his feet, I'd call the cops."

A Canadian ThereWolf
06-17-2002, 03:32 PM
Richard Roeper may be a jackass but there was one quote that ThereWolf agreed with him about;

American Outlaws:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"American Outlaws was like the cinematic equivilent [sp] of an appendix, totally useless and unecessary, and I wish someone had removed it!"</font>



[This message has been edited by A Canadian ThereWolf (edited 06-17-2002).]

A Canadian ThereWolf
06-17-2002, 03:56 PM
ThereWolf's favorite Ebert quotes:

Freddy Got Fingered:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"The film is a vomitorium consisting of 93 minutes of Tom Green doing things that a geek in a carnival sideshow would turn down."</font>


Joe Dirt: [On the Worst of 2001 Show]
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"David Spade spends most of the movie buried in crap, and in an allegorical sense he spends ALL of the movie buried in crap"!</font>


Enough:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"This movie appaled me! It reminded me of the worst movie I ever saw, which was I Spit On Your Grave!"</font>


13 Ghosts:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"13 Ghosts is the loudest movie since Armageddon. Flash frames attack the eyeballs while the theater trembles with crashes, bangs, shatters, screams, rumbles and roars. Forget about fighting the ghosts; they ought to attack the sub-woofer." </font>


An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn!:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"An Alan Smithee Film Burn Hollywood Burn is a spectacularly bad film--incompetent, unfunny, ill-conceived, badly executed, lamely written, and acted by people who look trapped in the headlights." </font>


Rollerball:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"One of the peculiarities of Television of the Future is a device titled "Instant Global Rating." This supplies a digital readout of how many viewers there are (except on North American cable systems, of course). Whenever something tremendously exciting happens during a game, the rating immediately goes up. This means that people who were not watching somehow sensed they had just missed something amazing, and responded by tuning in. When "Rollerball" finally does get a North American cable deal, I predict the ratings will work in reverse."
</font>


Battlefield Earth:
<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">"Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way!" </font>

[This message has been edited by A Canadian ThereWolf (edited 06-17-2002).]

ColinM
06-17-2002, 06:06 PM
Roger Ebert on North. "I hated this movie. I hated hated hated hated hated hated hated this movie."

Adam J. Hakari
06-17-2002, 06:07 PM
I can't recall the exact quote, but Ebert once mentioned that all prints of MAD DOG TIME should be "cut up to provide ukelele picks for the poor."