Poem I wrote..Horror script potential?

[SkeletorMessiah]

A friend read this and suggested I write a story to go with it. You guys are free to do so though, id like to see what comes up.

The Emptiness

Ive found it
The changeling that has been asleep
inside of my soul
abomination of existance
I am a jesus of consecration
Leader of an army of abortions
risen to fight for me
pain is the music of our dance

Blood is funny
the oil for our bones
bleeding cannot take you home
spill your soul upon the rocks
edible, its all edible
we hunger

You are lost
Lessons of history have never taught
the suffering we revel in
emptiness is blacker than
the darkness that you fear
Purity and love are only words
We feed our empty souls with torment
pain is the music of our dance

Blood is funny
the oil for our bones
bleeding cannot take you home
spill your soul upon the rocks
edible, its all edible
we feed

[evilmonkey]

It's an interesting poem, but I don't really know what story you want to take out of it. Could you give some more detail on the story idea?

[SkeletorMessiah]

I was hoping for ideas from everyone else...

[X-Nightcrawler]

Interesting sure, but I doubt that's how screenwriters adapt from poems (if they do that, I've never seen). Since I'm not someone who enjoys poetry, I can't give you ideas. But here's advice: Take the theme of your poem and work a character from it. Once you have a character, make a plot around him and you got it.

[the dead one]

Originally posted by SkeletorMessiah
A friend read this and suggested I write a story to go with it. You guys are free to do so though, id like to see what comes up.

The Emptiness

Ive found it
The changeling that has been asleep
inside of my soul
abomination of existance
I am a jesus of consecration
Leader of an army of abortions
risen to fight for me
pain is the music of our dance

Blood is funny
the oil for our bones
bleeding cannot take you home
spill your soul upon the rocks
edible, its all edible
we hunger

You are lost
Lessons of history have never taught
the suffering we revel in
emptiness is blacker than
the darkness that you fear
Purity and love are only words
We feed our empty souls with torment
pain is the music of our dance

Blood is funny
the oil for our bones
bleeding cannot take you home
spill your soul upon the rocks
edible, its all edible
we feed



The Emptiness seems cold, angry, bleak and evil. Now, 'X' has made a suggestion to create a character from the theme expressed in your poem. But the way it reads, the word ‘We’ is a constant suggesting more then one angry vengeful spirit. We Hunger, We feed, and this suggests a collective.

Tormented souls seem to be the heart and core, from your description. For me it conjures up images of an army of souls, with very ghoulish imagery, operating as a collective, keeping in mind, those souls by our definition is the spirit from of our former selves, Society has its share of good people and bad people. So maybe this could be a collective of souls of those who were evil when they were alive.

This is workable, imho~

Imagine something like the emptiness as a collective deadly supernatural force, preying upon the living---kind of like a 'Night of the Living Dead Souls' perhaps. But it's your baby, take the ball and run with it!

There is quite a bit to work with here, so let your imagination run wild, because you do have something here and that’s just my two cents.

By the way---I dig your Avatar!:)

[SkeletorMessiah]

wow thank you for the suggestions. Ill see if I can come up with something. If I do Ill make sure to let you read it. Thanks!

[CHANCE]

Originally posted by SkeletorMessiah
wow thank you for the suggestions. Ill see if I can come up with something. If I do Ill make sure to let you read it. Thanks!

It's great!

I'm in the middle of drawing a comic about an epic battle inside the head of a disturbed person, I know it's a bit vague but thats the whole reason.
My brother is a writter of poems and short stories, he sugested that the "story line" should be a short poem not realy relating to the imagry but detailing the state of mind of the disturbed person.

Your poem fit's perfectly in our idea.
Do you mind if I print out your poem too see if it works with my comic?

My pc is fucked at the moment(I'm posting from my job...)so I can't send you a sample of my comic at the moment.
When my equimpent is set i'll send you some stuff.

can't wait to here from you....

[Runawayrunaway!]

There are about two good lines in there, in particular the "army of abortions". The rest is just generic goth brooding. To make the same point, you can say it a lot more concisely and write:

Red flowers blossom
Zoom
Boom
Dead possum.

Poetry is hard to adapt directly into a film, especially poetry with no defined narrative. However, if you have poetry in your movie, you end up sounding pretentious or smart, depending on how relevant and good the poetry is.