Murder Scene to My Horror Movie

[wallebe10]

This is one of the murder scenes to my horror movie entitled "SCHOOL". Tell me what you think. The setting is at the school halloween dance near the climax of the film. The characters name is John and the killers name is Death. Enjoy!

INT. - CLASSROOM - NIGHT

John is sitting in a classroom while waiting for his girfriend Katie to come back. He is leaning over a desk while from behind him Death comes though the door. Death slowly walks towards John with his bloody pair of scissors in his hand. Death slowly and quietly crouches down and stealthily walks over to John. He opens up the pair of scissors and puts it between John's ankles. He closes the scissors cutting open John's foot. John falls down to the ground. Death lifts up the scissors and slices John's other ankle. The scissors get stuck in John's foot while he tries to crawl away.

JOHN: Who the hell are you? You sick bastard! You sick fuck!

He continues to crawl away as Death looks around for another weapon. Death sees a paper cutter and walks over to it. He yanks the blade off of the paper cutter and walks over to John.

JOHN: Oh shit! Someone help!

He desperatley reaches up to the doorknob but can't reach. He slowly gets on his knees and looks up to see Death with the paper cutter blade.

JOHN: No. Please don't! Please don't!.

Death slowly raises the blade.

JOHN: Don't! No, no, no, no!

Death raises it all the way.

JOHN: No, no, no, no ,no, no, no!!!

Death swings the blade down and a crack is heard.

PAN TO JOHN

John is kneeling on the ground with the blade in his head.

PAN TO GROUND

John's face falls in front of the camera.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Well it's nowhere near properly written in screenplay format.

And, to be honest, I don't see anything unique about the murder itself. Sounds like a regular slasher kill to me.

[rodvcpetrie]

Break down your paragraphs. For example:

John is sitting in a classroom while waiting for his girfriend Katie to come back. He is leaning over a desk while from behind him Death comes though the door.

Death slowly walks towards John with his bloody pair of scissors in his hand. Death slowly and quietly crouches down and stealthily walks over to John. He opens up the pair of scissors and puts it between John's ankles. He closes the scissors cutting open John's foot.

John falls down to the ground. Death lifts up the scissors and slices John's other ankle. The scissors get stuck in John's foot while he tries to crawl away.

It makes it easier on the eyes and looks neater.

In your first sentence - "John is sitting in a classroom while waiting for his girfriend Katie to come back" - the reader will know he's in the classroom because you've already told us in the logline.

Now is Death the actual entity itself or is it someone dressed like death? The reason I ask is because why would an ethereal being like death have to stealthily walk over to John. Isn't he invisible to human eyes?

[Pestilence]

See above : seems like just another slasher kill, albeit with an 80s style mean streak.

It's also nowhere near screenplay format (again). Not only do the paragraphs need to be broken up, but the writing is shoddy.

For example :

"John is sitting in a classroom while waiting for his girfriend Katie to come back. He is leaning over a desk while from behind him Death comes though the door."

....this is all wrong. How do we know John is waiting for Katie? We can't see this, so it shouldn't be here. A quick, acceptable rewrite would be something like :


"INT. CLASSROOM - NIGHT

John leans over a desk, flipping through a stack of papers.

Behind him, the DOOR slowly creeps open -- in stalks DEATH, wielding a pair of BLOODY SCISSORS."


Of course, it should be rewritten in your own style, but you need to remove the useless, non-visual information.

[wallebe10]

Thanks for the tips everyone and the killer is just dressed up as Death. Anyone else have comments.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by rodvcpetrie
Break down your paragraphs. For example:

John is sitting in a classroom while waiting for his girfriend Katie to come back. He is leaning over a desk while from behind him Death comes though the door. But never write stuff like "while waiting for his girlfriend, Katie" because the audience won't be able to see that.

"John is sitting in a classroom." That it.

[wallebe10]

Alright. Anyone else?

[zombievictim]

Originally posted by wallebe10
He opens up the pair of scissors and puts it between John's ankles. He closes the scissors cutting open John's foot. John falls down to the ground. Death lifts up the scissors and slices John's other ankle. The scissors get stuck in John's foot while he tries to crawl away.

JOHN: Who the hell are you? You sick bastard! You sick fuck!

You need to add something to show John's pain. Reading this, in my mind I see someguy with no emotion get cut, not react, then fall the ground. He needs to scream and maybe just loook around in confusion. Also, I don't know about you, but after getting my foot nearly cut off I wouldn't be saying that much dialogue. I'd put, this is off the top of my head but something displaying anger like crazy. Have him grab a fallen object and threaten Death with this. I don't know what but do something to fix that up.

Originally posted by wallebe10
He continues to crawl away as Death looks around for another weapon. Death sees a paper cutter and walks over to it. He yanks the blade off of the paper cutter and walks over to John.

JOHN: Oh shit! Someone help!

He desperatley reaches up to the doorknob but can't reach. He slowly gets on his knees and looks up to see Death with the paper cutter blade.

JOHN: No. Please don't! Please don't!.

Death slowly raises the blade.

JOHN: Don't! No, no, no, no!

Death raises it all the way.

JOHN: No, no, no, no ,no, no, no!!!

Again put something like: He crawls along the floor, in a state of shock. He talks to himself. "No, please don't. Someone help me!"

You get the point. Just an example, but that part is just REALLY awkward. Doesn't seem realistic and you could definitely make it more realistic.

On another note, like stated above, this kill is just too typical and is over in a heartbeat. Its not very unique and, though I can't judge too harshly because I haven't read the full script, but it seems like just a chance to kill someone off.

You can ignore this if you'd like or do whatever. Just know I'm not criticizing you, just trying to make your scene a little better. I really hope this helps.

[Tarman]

Like others have stated Boss, format

First thing that came to mind while reading it was a scene from House of Wax so I might scrap that idea for a kill scene and play around with some other ideas. If you like the scene with the dudes ankles getting cut then I wouldnt even show death sneaking in but just show John hitting the floor and then show death standing above him.

Maybe take the papercutter and ram it down the dudes throat or take it and slam it right between his legs.

I would also go in to detail about how much pain the person is in along with maybe giving the reader and idea about how much blood leaks from the wounds. When I read something where someone is getting hurt, I want to feel the pain so maybe a little more descriptive on that end.