My Films Plot

[Doyle_Bloodfest]

Hey, guys i wanted to get a little feed back on a rough draft of a story i just finished, i'm not gonna tell you the whole storyyline. I will however explain almost all of the key scenes/events whithin the story, and I'd love to get some feedback. I am aspiring to become a screenwritter/director and this is an idea i do have on file and on paper. Its callled:

The Lodge
by: K. McManus

The Begining opens on a group of highschool drop-outs/gang-members who are smoking drugs in a very smoky room. Then we are introduced to a family driving back from a night of worship at a local church, they get home and the adults go to their living room on the main floor. The kids go downstairs to the family room where bright colorful cartoons and pop and chips are waiting, across the hall is the hot-boxed room where the teens are getting "Blazed".

A mysterious knock on the front door is answered by the home owner, upon opening the door he sees a figure wearing a long black trenchcoat and has some form of plastic mask on. Standing puzzled and in shock the killer gains the upper hand and slashes the mans neck as he falls back. The killer very quickly forces himself into the house while the adults are still chatting and sipping wine, as the kids watch their cartoons and as the teens smoke their bong and laugh about crimes commited. In a matter of moments the killer is in the living room, pulling a clever from the black coat he slices and dices (I have full descriptions if you guys want) everyone in the room. They fall very quickly to his maniacal attacks, now we go to the teenagers as they joke around about some girls who have gone missing from their school.

The home owners sone takes a nasty rip on the bong and decides he needs to go upstairs and get a drink, upon climbing to the top of the stairs we see the killer. He is hacking away at his victims, stuffing small bits of their cut out hearts into his jaws as they smack open and closed. The teen is frozen as the camera peers at him from behind a swinging bloody cleaver that the killer hold tight in his grip, the killer attacks and the teen is able to ward him off. The killer tosses the teen across the room and runs into the basement, where one of the very stoned teenagers opens the door and see's the killer looking around the basement. as two of the stoners come out with bats the killer panics and runs into the family room, as the screams of children fill the air so does a very maniacal scream aswell.

Reacting very fast the killer grabs the closest child and leaps out of the basement window, and runs into the treeline behind the house. The squad of heavily armed teens decide they must save the child and exact their own revenge, alot of this part of the story is cat and mouse in the forest and their isn't much that goes on until. The boys chase the killer intro a small clearing and see him drop into a hole in the ground, one of the boys Larry was falling behind and gets lost in the dark woods. The remaining teens decide to follow the killer down into a underground cabin in the center of the clearing.

What lies whaiting for them is the killers deranged mountain-man father, and with him is a shoddy old double barrel shotgun and two well trained wild wolves. The story really doesn't let up much from that point until the end, the massacre at the beginning is followed by a second and equally brutal massacre later when the boys return to the house with the child. If you guys are interested in hearing about it let mee know. IO've already got my rough done and i will start the good any day now, then later done the road when i know how to screenwrite i'll write it up!

Guys Please let mee know what ya think, i wrote this and i'm very proud to say its all original!

[X-Nightcrawler]

I don't like it, I'm afraid.

Originally posted by Doyle_Bloodfest
i'm very proud to say its all original!
I disagree, I didn't find one unique thing in the entire plot. It seems like a regular B-movie slash-slash story that involves a deranged knife-happy killer going knife-happy on bonged up teens.

Originally posted by Doyle_Bloodfest
their isn't much that goes on
Summin' up the entire plot right there. What happens is that the plot has enough potential for a short script, if that. And it's not particularily interesting. We've seen this stuff many times before.

On the plus side, you might feature an old mean 80's style slasher or an intense ride like "Haute Tension" if directed right. But still, if the script isn't good, the movie can't be good.

Oh and I think "well-trained wild wolves" is an oxymoron. :D

[TheJadedGamer]

Sounds a bit like High Tension the beginning part, with the killer coming in and killing off the adults in the house.

[Doyle_Bloodfest]

Smeh, from ppl who have actually read it no one seemed to disslike it so strongly. I mean obviously it has huge plot holes and i didn't fill you in on everything about the story either. The house were these murders happen has just been built, their are alot of future homes being built near it aswell. To build these houses they have been cutting the treeline back, which eventually is where we find out that the two main guy-guys have a underground cabin like lodge.

The Murderous duo of the Slasher-style manical killer (he literally is insane, and his actions are not always logical) and his Gun Totting father; they are complete opposites personality wise. The Father although slow moving has his two Wild-bred dogs which assist in his hunting, he is a master marksman aswell. While the very crazy son perfers close range brutal in your face combat, their is a second massacre in which the son burst's into a room full of police once the teens return the son home. He burst's through the door weilding an arsenal of blades, and quickly kills a hwole group of cops leaving Helen (young mother of Alex who is the 4 year old boy the killer took) Jason (homeowners son) and his buddy Tommy alive.

Their is some more action as they flee into the surrounding area where a brutal final fight is held between the crazed son, Helen and the two surviving teenagers. In a certain action packed scene the killer is quickly closing in on Helen as she is crawling on the ground. Jason grabs a nailgun as Tommy turns it on, Jason fires off a number of nails before he accidentally puts a nail through his own finger.

I dunno, you might like it more if you knew all the logic and stuff behind it, i have alot more drafts then just this one. But this is sort of my 70's brutality horror kickback, has obvious influences from films from that time The Hills Have Eyes, Deep Red but its supposed to! Its a horror story that is a none stop roller coaster ride. If you weren't reading it you prolly never would guessed they'd end up in an underground cabin, let alone for their to be a second killer lurking in the shadows.

k heres a sample of one of the deaths if your interested this isn't from my most recent draft but its from one of the rougher ones! K after the other boys enter the underground cabin Larry gets lost and decides to turn back, while the maniac killer stalks him :

Struggling to pull himself from the thick muddy forest floor he stands up to see the killer lunging from behind a tree, he barely has time to make a sound before the arched end of the heavy steel crowbar slams into the side of his thick skull. Larry’s arms and legs suddenly became very alive as they twitch and shake, thick rivers of blood run from where the crowbars sharp hook sits imbedded in his brain. Brutally the killer yanks the crowbar forward pulling Larry towards him; strange moaning sounds came from Larry’s mouth as the killer wiggles the crowbar free from the teenager’s young mind. A jet of crimson flows over his eyebrow down his face as the crowbar again lifts into the air, snapping the straight jagged teeth-like end of the crowbar into Larry’s chest; the killer begins to giggle. With a quick wrenching of the weapon Larry’s ribs, make a sickening popping sound, the killer’s skinny arm jerks the teeth of the crowbar around in Larry’s still chest.

K thanks for those who give positive feedback, as for negative i still apprechiate feedback lol.

[TheJadedGamer]

Well, we are only giving you our advice on the plot summary you gave us. I'm pretty sure that if I sat down and read the actual script, my viewpoints would change.

With the other details you gave us, it seems like a mixture of High Tension meets Wrong Turn, with maybe a slight touch of Jeepers Creepers (just for the slaughter of the cops, it reminds me of it) and The Hills Have Eyes.

I'd like the read the full script.

[X-Nightcrawler]

Originally posted by Doyle_Bloodfest
I mean obviously it has huge plot holes It obviously has huge plot holes? Not sure what you're trying to say here but if you're trying to convince us that it's 'better' than what you wrote up there you started in the wrong direction.

And I hate to be negative but all that still doesn't change (at least) my mind. I can't take back anything I said before. You have the right idea for a certain mean streak if you want to do a 'throwback' movie (movies which are rarely well-received either by audiences or critically. re: "Jeepers Creepers"/"House Of 1000 Corpses"/"High Tension") judging from the grizzly deaths. But still, what you have given us doesn't spark any interest in reading the entire script (and have in mind that I DID enjoy "Jeepers Creepers", "High Tension" and all the other throwbacks.

[Pestilence]

It sounds interesting to me.

Obviously needs a lot of work but the core is there and pretty defined. I'm also sensing a strong mean streak which is always good.

Wouldn't mind reading the actual screenplay.