#41  
Old 12-29-2008, 09:21 PM
RANT'S BOND-A-THON: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)

ATTENTION: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS



YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE
.:BOND #05 (1967):.


CLASSIFIED INTEL: THE PLOT
Investigating the disappearance of two hijacked spacecrafts (one American, one Soviet), Bond is given his biggest mission yet, preventing World War III! Not much more to say, this isn’t exactly a thinking-mans Bond adventure.

THE THEME AND CREDITS
The film opens in space, the final Bond-tier, and we watch as America’s space station is abducted by a giant space-dildo of death! Cut to: Representatives from U.S.A. and the U.S.S.R. meeting at the Epcot Center in Disney World to play a rousting few rounds of the Blame Game. While the State Reps and the Soviet Reps spent the trip to Florida exercising their pointer fingers, MI6 was busy collecting intelligence, (a coarse of action that escaped those quarrelsome yanks and reds). So, amidst the fighting, the United Kingdom reps share a possible lead that the abducting spacecraft has landed in Japan and is being controlled by an unknown, third-party foreign government. Also, those ever efficient Brits have also already dispatched their top man to the orient: Nigel Rufflebottom III. NO! Bond—of coarse.

With the Cold War in danger of thawing, MI6 has dispatched James to—Hong Kong? Odd, as their intel pointed to Japan, but this quandary is soon forgotten as James is betrayed by his bedfellow. Her name is Ling, and she—is—a—BITCH! Hopping out of bed moments before Bond can seal the deal, she presses a button retracting the wallbed with James on it! If that’s not rude enough, this cooze lets in two extras from a John Woo picture to riddle the bed with bullets. The pre-credits sequence ends as a team of agents find Bond’s bloody body stuck within the bedchamber and pronounce him dead. Fuck.

If that doesn’t suck enough, we get the credits. Maurice Binder returns for his third time as the title designer and in my opinion, it’s his 2nd weakest entry. Stock footage of liquid-hot-magma flows behind several good looking Asian models, to arguably the most lack-luster Bond song in the series. The melody of the song is fine and works well throughout the movie, but using it for the title song, BULLSHIT! The song is too easy-going and lovey-dovey for such an action-centric Bond entry. This film deserved something much more up-tempo and George Thorogoodie, (yes I know he was like 15 and did not have a recording contract, but I think you know what I mean). There isn’t much more to say about the credits for this one, they are pretty forgettable and not worth really going on about. Oh, it does have a very nice dissolve. There—something positive.

BOND, JAMES BOND: SEAN CONNERY
BODY BAGS FILLED [20]
BOND BABES FULFILLED [2 for certain 1 implied 1 failed]

So, Bond is dead. Great way to start up a Bond film, huh? Well, actually it is! Of course, James Bond didn’t REALLY die, it was a clever(?) ruse to fool—I’m not sure who, but someone to be sure. Shortly after the credits end, we join a gaggle of seamen carrying out Commander James Bond’s burial at sea. An elaborate plan unfurls before us as James’s body, wrapped in proper mummy attire, is picked up by divers and delivered to a British submarine that is doubling as MI6’s base of operations. So in a sense, James gets a “second” life—Hey! He ONLY LIVES TWICE! See, THIS title makes sense, what the fuck was Fleming smoking when he thought up THUNDERBALL? Anyway, Bond is soon on his way to fabulous Tokyo, Japan to meet with his liaisons and bust open the case of the missing space stations. And then perhaps go eat some raw fish off some naked chicks—HooAh!

It becomes clear that Connery isn’t playing Bond with the previous two films zest of playful energy. A lot of people attribute this to his gradual distaste with stardom, which, while a factor (more on that in a bit), I don’t think it was the main issue.

With THUNDERBALL breaking records like crazy and Bond-Mania at a high, the next installment was tailored to be more grandiose than ever, meaning an action and gadget extravaganza, and this left less and less for the intimate story arcs to really shine. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is not a character piece—at all. And it is where the film suffers. I think Connery took this pretty hard. The film is still a blast, but I would have had just as much fun watching Bond solve a mystery about missing stop signs in his home town. I really don’t care what he does, as long as it is well written and Sean is allowed to run with it. His character is that endearing to me. Connery’s still good, but he doesn’t get to be great. There’s just too much God Damn Action. Which, is still awesome—I’m so conflicted.

The Fan Factor: Connery, now an international superstar, becomes frustrated and annoyed at his notoriety. The camera flash that broke the camel’s back came when Connery was photographed through a window of a public bathroom. He reportedly, and understandably, lost his shit. Part way through the shoot in Japan, Connery made it known to the press that this would be his last turn as Bond. But NEVER SAY NEVER! Anyways, this is very sad, especially considering the circumstances. Sean had an amazing run, overall with 5 great straight, I’d say that he had the best of them all. Connery of course comes back, but it is never the same. And I did say NEVER, fucking deal with it. As a Bond fan you have to. It’s the cold hard reality that Connery was so good at making us forget. His portrayal of James Bond is an escapist fans dream. The Golden Age of Bond is officially closed. Thankfully, the Misogyny and Post-Mortem One-Lines Trudge on..

THE BOND VILLAIN(S):

Teru Shimada as Mr. Osato

Much like the Bond Girls in this film, Osato is just kinda—there. He serves his purpose, running Osato Chemicals and Engineering and being a generally creepy corporate skeeze-bag. Osato sees right through Bond, (his x-ray desk helps) and carries out numerous plans to have him assassinated. Too bad for him he sucks at it. Blofeld butchers his ass for a job not done. The way that Teru Shimada acts while in the presence of Number 1 is classic. Alone he is confident and commands the room, but deep down he is just a big coward with a mundane mustache.

Karin Dor as Helga Brandt aka Number 11

By far the goofiest and most unnecessary addition to the original story. Harsh? Maybe. Correct? I like to think so. This broad didn’t make the SPECTRE Top Ten for a reason. She first appears as Osato’s assistant, but she is really his assassin. With her red hair, icy demeanor and accentuated rack, she is a straight up Fiona-Wanna-Be. A bad choice I think, as that character was done perfect in the last film, but it gets worse.

After a thrilling fight and chase sequence at some docks, Bond is beaten and delivered to this minx for a little informational torture time. Helga threatens James with facial mutilation, but awkwardly she allows herself to be seduced by him. As it turns out, she was faking, (just like Fiona—creative…) and for nothing more than to lead-in to an unbelievably stupid and unnecessarily elaborate death trap. Fio—Helga proceeds to trick Bond into getting on an airplane, which—she jumps out of, leaving him trapped mid-air, sans pilot. Why not just torture him, get his info and finish him off back on the ground? I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t BIG enough. At any rate, Bond lives, Brandt doesn’t get anything out of him and she dies for her failures via flesh-eating fish. Good—Fuck her, I hate cloned characters.

Ronald Rich as Hans

A perfect name for a Blonde Haired Ape Man. The trend of this Henchman is continued from Red in FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE and makes many further appearances in future installments. He doesn’t say much, but that’s what he’s paid for. Hans could have been the one to finally bring down Bond, unfortunately for him, Bond was trained for a day or two to be a ninja. James outmaneuvers the big lug and judo flips him into a piranha pool. Too bad, he could have made it big in the Wrestling world. But, it serves him right, going after Bond, the big dumb German fuck. Not that there is anything wrong with being German, it just sounded funny to me.

Donald Pleasence as Ernst Stavro Blofeld aka Number 1

Everyone’s favorite Blofeld—is not mine. But he’s pretty good. Donald Pleasence plays the first full performance of the man behind the curtain. Head of SPECTRE, he is carrying out his most diabolical scheme yet. A face only a highly paid Mother could love, Blofeld is a sight to behold—from a safe distance. Even though he spends 90% of the film sitting back, face hidden, fingering his cat, he is easily the most memorable of all the actors to play the role. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is unique in that it is the first Bond film where the main villain gets away in the end. And aside from having his operation spoiled by 007, it’s punishment free.

Pleasence’s portrayal is spot on. His eerily calm monologues echo the previous portrayals of the character, while his gestures and facial mannerisms make the role his own. The payoff of seeing Blofeld for the first time in full doesn't disappoint. It lead to one of the most copied criminal archetypes, be it Dr. Evil or Dr. Claw, this performance became iconic and rightfully so, it makes the absolute most of a very small role.

THE BOND GIRLS:


Akiko Wakabayashi as Aki

What can I say about Aki that hasn’t already been said about actor Dudley Moore? She’s short, she’s cute and nobody remembers her. She is probably the most forgettable main Bond Girl in the series. And it’s not her fault. In order to shoot at the places and in the volume that the filmmakers wanted in Japan, the officials there requested (demanded) that the lead girls be played by local actresses. A fine idea, but none of the girls that auditioned spoke English.

Despite the set-back of language barriers, two girls were chosen and to her credit Akiko learned a good deal of English in a short period of time, but unfortunately she was still given very little to say. It doesn’t really hurt her performance, but she comes off as really one-dimensional. Odd for a Bond Girl, I know. But I still liked her. With her killer smile and gosh-golly adorable accent, it would be hard not to. Plus, Aki drives one hell of a Toyota 2000GT convertible. And looks good doing it. Unfortunately, due to the limited dialogue and the shadowy mystique of her organization, you never get to find out much about her. Had the film centered a little more on character development and a little less on BANG! BANG! BANG!, her role could have been a little more memorable. And the fact that they kill her off just compounds this. In my opinion, the least they could have done for her character is let her ride the film out. It’s too bad.

Mie Hama as Kissy Suzuki

Originally cast as the role of Aki, she was unable to get her English lines down in time and director Lewis Gilbert arranged to have her taken out to dinner and apologetically let go. Thing is she threatened to literally kill herself from the shame. Emotional blackmail at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. So, something was worked out. Akiko was given the lead Bond Girl role and they kept Mie to take over the role of Kissy. All this really means to the audience is an obvious dub, but since every Bond film up to this point had at least one of these, it makes no difference to me. It’s Bond for Cripes-sakes, you have to suspend disbelief.

The issue I have with her isn’t in her performance, I thought she was fine and dandy, it’s is all in the written character. Coming in to replace the female lead position after two-thirds of the film was over, left little to no time to get to know her and subsequently give a shit about what she is doing or why. Kissy’s role in the story has to do with a fake marriage to Bond-san, (something I’ll rant about later), but what she ends up being is replacement T&A left blank by Aki’s demise. By the time she arrives, the action is in such full swing that the viewer isn’t given any time to appreciate her. Kissy ends up just becoming part of the scenery and it seems like such a waste of time, energy and emotional drama. Not to mention that when Bond finally convinces her to consummate the marriage, MI6's sub rises below their escape raft and successfully cock-blocks Bond from another lay. Bogus!

continued...
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  #42  
Old 12-29-2008, 09:23 PM
...here

THE BOND-AIDS [GADGETS & CARS]

As Action takes center stage, so does one of my favorite gadget/vehicles.

Wallis WA-116 Series 1 Gyroplane [CODENAME: Little Nellie]


This real life aerial wonder receives a Q-Lab makeover and gets outfitted with more artillery than John Milius’s secret stash.

- Two Machine Guns, Fixed and Synchronized to 100 yards
- Two Rocket Launchers, Forward Firing on Either Side
- Two Heat Seeking Air-To-Air Missiles
- Two Flame Guns, Range of 80 yards
- Two Rear-Mounted Smoke Ejectors
- A Shitload of Aerial Mines

And a partridge in a flaming helicopter! This machine is a marvel and lends itself to one hellova aerial chase sequence. Bond makes good use of Q’s modifications as he battles his pursuers hundreds of feet above Japan’s native volcanoes. It’s a thrilling sequence and watching ALL of the gadgets get unloaded on four enemy helicopters is a—dare I say—Blast. Bond also receives a nifty case of Cigarette Rockets, courtesy of Tiger’s Modern Ninja Technicians. Yup, exploding ninja death-sticks. Surgeon General’s Warning: may cause copious amounts of blood and tissue damage, large gaping craters of flesh and low birth weight.

FRIENDS AND ALLIES

Tsai Chin as Ling

OK, so I take back calling her a bitch and a cooze. She was just working under orders, however, this doesn’t erase the fact that she is just a Cocktease with a Goofy Voice—I calls ‘um like I sees ‘um. Apparently she is a fellow agent and that’s all we know. The only reason I am bringing her up again is because I reference her above in the Sex Tally. On multiple occasions Bond admits that they had yet to go all-the-way. What gives?! Ling is only in the film for about 2 minutes, and this is probably the most anyone has bothered to write about her in a review. I end with a not so interesting tid-bit: Tsai Chin later appears as Madame Wu in CASINO ROYALE (2006). How about that?

Charles Gray as Richard Lovelace ‘Dikko’ Henderson

Saying his full name takes about as much time as he is on-screen. I guess that’s why they never officaly revealed it... A MI6 contact in Tokyo, Henderson is a former soldier and current retired cripple. Oh, and it is insinuated that he is homosexual. Not sure why that was important, but they hint at it in the dialogue. It appears as though Henderson is going to be an interesting and helpful ally to Bond. Dikko, (yup, he’s gay all right) begins to discuss why he doesn’t believe that the Japanese Government is involved with the missing space stations when he is stabbed in his back mid-sentence right through his bedroom wall! Damn Flimsy Japanese Architecture! I blame YOU for ending a promising side-kick much too early and leaving us with—Tanaka—WHO IS—who is—well, awesome. Lets talk about him!

Tetsuro Tamba as "Tiger" Tanaka

Tiger Tanaka is without a doubt, THE best part of the movie. First—his name is Tiger. That’s pimp. Second, as him name would suggest, he IS a pimp. He has a legion of hot washer women that he keeps in check with ancient misogynistic rules:

1. Never do anything for yourself, when someone else (hot bitches) can do it for you.
2. In Japan, men always come first, women come second.

Third, Tanaka has a bitchin pad. A gorgeous sea side villa with a meticulously kept landscape, spacious interior and lovely Asian décor. Did I mention he has a bunch of hot masseuses on bended knee? ‘Cuz he does. It’s like the Asian equivalent to the Playboy Mansion.

Finally, Tiger is head of the Japanese secret service AND as such, runs a secret Ninja training compound. He’s like Hugh Hefner mixed with Bruce Lee and a extra-large Papa Murphy’s pizza thrown in for extra awesomeness. Long story short, this guy is the shiznitobam. Tamba plays the role with such brazing confidence and swagger he gives Bond a run for his money. I honestly would watch a series of films based on this character alone. Rant says, Tanaka the Tiger is GrrrrrEight!

DEBRIEFING: FINAL THOUGHTS
Three things I need to address, in two parts. The first two: Asian Bond and the Faux Wedding. I’ve seen this Bond several times, and I still don’t understand why the hell he goes through with this nonsense. In order to fool—I’m guessing SPECTRE, Bond gets himself outfitted with some Asianesqe make-up enhancements. You know, to “blend” in.

To begin with, why must Bond be hiding as he has already escaped capture? It’s foolish. On top of this, his “disguise” couldn’t fool Zatôichi. His prosthetics in place, Connery looks like a 6 foot oompa-loompa with chronic back pain or at the very least a doped-up Nickolas Cage, minus all self-confidence. Bond is at LEAST a foot taller than anyone else in the country and “hides” it by slouching. The worst thing about all this, is literally the next scene after receiving the procedure, Bond is almost killed by an assassin. It couldn’t even fool a man that had never seen him before. Does this dissuade him from carrying on with the charade? Hell no. Is that wedding bells I hear? In an act to further “disguise” himself from—whomever, Tanaka decides to have Bond get hitched to a local diver girl.

While the pace of this entry is like greased owl shit, this sequence grinds it to a halt. It is sooo unnecessary and boring. It’s unnecessary for him to hide and it introduces an unnecessary character. Oh, and I thought American weddings where tedious and tacky… Groan, the idea of Bond agreeing to play dress up and house goes against everything characteristically attributed to 007. Bond is a cocky, arrogant, egocentric ladies man. He would not be caught dead being involved in any of this humbug, even if he gets to “LIVE TWICE”.

Lastly, I must mention that this film is the birth of Epic Action. Easily the most action centric of the early Bond films, this baby hauls ass. With its extremely fast pace and few progressive character scenes, this film is at the finale in no time. And what a way to go! The perfect culmination of suspense and wonder packed into a fantastic tight-nit action extravaganza. With THE WILD BUNCH still two years off, I consider this to be the first epic shootout sequence of modern action, and man does it kick ass. It truly has it all:

-Extravagant Production Design, check.
-60+ Stuntmen, check.
-A Crucial Plot Countdown, check
-Bullets, Blades and Blofeld’s Cat, check.
-Henchmen, Ninjas, Mini-Tramps and Explosions, BIG FUCKIN’ check.

This sequence, combined with the rest of the already insanely action-packed movie, blows the top off the proverbial action movie volcano. Every ‘80’s style action flick owes a ‘dedicated to’ credit for this film. I never would have thought that a movie made in the ‘60’s and written by Roald Dahl would be such an event to watch. He did however pen, THE B.F.G., which I believe was later adapted into DOOM. Might have to Wiki that, but I’m fairly certain.

As I mentioned above, I knock this movie for it’s lack of character development, but when I say that, I’m almost glad. It’s fun to watch a mostly mindless action film once and awhile (daily is OK by me) and even though it probably added to Connery’s reasons for leaving, I’m still glad that it is the way it is. Plus, it’s always good to shake things up once and awhile. And with Sean gone, the next installment was forced to. Connery’s Bond will however LIVE TWICE more after this, even if the series was better off having moved on. More on both of those topics next time.

7 outta 10
RANT WILL RETURN IN (a review of) ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

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  #43  
Old 12-29-2008, 10:32 PM
Your review sums up my thoughts almost exactly. Its a fun Bond film. Silly to the point of comedy, but still fun as hell. I totally disagree with you on the theme song though. I think its one of the best Bond themes ever.


Oh man I cant wait to see what you have to say about OHMSS. Its my favorite Bond film.
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  #44  
Old 12-31-2008, 12:14 PM
You Only Live Twice is one of the few Bond movies I'm not very familiar with. I have seen it, but it's been a while, and I remember thinking it wasn't all that great. I just don't remember much of it; I remember the pre-credits sequence and the attack on the bad buys at the end . . . and of course, Donald Pleasance as Blofeld.
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  #45  
Old 01-06-2009, 05:34 PM
RANT'S BOND-A-THON: ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)

ATTENTION: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS


ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE
.:BOND #06 (1969):.


CLASSIFIED INTEL: THE PLOT
Blofeld is on the loose and Bond is on vacation. Probably not the most effective way to track down the world-renowned terrorist leader, but who am I to judge? After a much needed push by M, Bond is back on the case and following whatever leads he can obtain to finding the one that got away. His keen detection skills and master of disguise aptness eventually lead him to an allergy clinic in the Swiss Alps, where a devious plan to unleash a bacterial super-virus unto the world is being plotted by the nefarious Number 1.

THE THEME AND CREDITS

The film opens on a trio of familiar faces at the MI6 headquarters. M, Miss Moneypenny and Q are discussing the Q-Lab’s latest creation: radioactive lint. Q has officially become a mad scientist. But this is beside the point, which is familiarity. The co-workers’ discussion eases into their most recurring problem, “Where, o’ where is 007?” Turns out, he’s in Portugal and as luck would have it, that’s where we the audience are going. Come along with me!

Driving down a coastal highway in a spiffy new Aston Martin DBS, a man we assume to be Bond, is enjoying an afternoon cruise. Not for long though, as a woman in a Mercury Cougar overtakes him. The identity of the man in the Aston Martin becomes clear as he takes this passing as flirtatious invitation to a battle of the sexes. The game is on. Shown only in bits and pieces, as he sparks up a ciggy, Bond is in hot pursuit of the fleeing female and he quickly finds her down by the waterside. Bond watches like a peeping Tom as the woman begins to walk out into the waters.

It quickly becomes clear that her intentions are not of a “frolicking” nature. Bond drives down to the shore and rushes to stop her from drowning herself. Succeeding, Bond deposits her on the beach and upon her waking, introduces himself. “Hello, my name is Bond—James Bond.” This introduction is clearly more for the audience, as I am sure you know, this is NOT your grandpa’s 007. Nope, this is the new model. But before the audience has anytime to let this sink in, New Bond is attacked by two goons. The one with the knife takes Bond’s prize, while the one with the gun walks Bond down the beach for a double-dose of lead. What is a man to do? Kick some Ass? Yeah, that sounds like a plan. And that is what is carried out. After cleverly disarming the Gun-Wielding Goon, New Bond proceeds to whip his ASS! The fisticuffs carries out into the tide and Knife-Goon decides, and rightfully so, that his pal might need some assistance. The Girl goes free and New Bond gets a New Playmate. The more the merrier! New Bond destroys the duo and leaves them a crumpled mess in the sand and stands triumphant as he watches his potential bedfellow escape up the beach in his car. Ditching it roadside and climbing back into her Cougar, the girl is gone in a flash.

Having defeated evil and saved the damsel in distress, our hero is left holding his dick down by the boardwalk. I think New Bond says it best: “This never happened to the other fellow.” Oh, how delightfully cheeky!

This breaking of the forth wall is new to the series, but thankfully, (at least for this picture), it was a one-time affair. An on the spot improve by Director Peter Hunt, yes THAT Peter Hunt, you know—the man that pretty much single-handedly created the template for modern action editing—yeah, he’s now in charge. I’ll try to contain my joy as I finish my above thought. So, the perfect little one-liner that closed out the pre-credit sequence was something that the New Bond actor had been saying throughout the production and Mr. Hunt decided, that day, that it would be a perfect way to introduce the character’s dramatic change in appearance. And it was. With that ice-breaking joke the filmmakers let us, the audience know that, yes—we know that the actor is new, but don’t worry—he’s still Bond.

The theme of familiarity and reassurance continues on into the credits sequence, and I have to say, it comes off as pretty insecure, a attribute that should not be attributed to a Bond film. Maurice Binder returns for his fourth credits sequence and unfortunately, he is plagued by having to do a throwback. The credits turn back the clock, literally, as a silhouette Bond dangles Buster Keaton style on a large clock dial, running counter clockwise. Various screenshots and video clips from the previous five films begin to ooze through the bottle neck of an hourglass template like grains of sand. And that’s the whole sequence. Pretty lame huh? The title track, named after the movie is, as always, a stunningly good bit of music by John Barry, but it throws off the now traditional “Theme Song Plays Over The Credits” motif from the last 3 films. It works perfect for what is being shown with it, but I would have liked to have seen another film-specific sequence of awesomeness with Louie Armstrong’s love song, WE HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. Thankfully we do get a montage featuring the song later on in the film, so I guess I can’t complain too much. Also, the credits feature some Very puffy-nippled models, so that’s pretty sweet. Who doesn’t love puffy nippled models?

BOND, JAMES BOND: GEORGE LAZENBY
BODY BAGS FILLED [5] BOND BABES FULFILLED [3 for certain 1 failed]

Gone is Sir Sean of Connery and Present is—an Australian Chocolate Commercial Model?… Hmm, Well—alright. As bad as this idea sounds, it is in fact not bad at all. It’s different to be sure, but this is still the same old Bond—only more so! As Moneypenny points out, whilst he cups her ass. In an odd, but brilliant turn of events, the filmmakers (largely because of Director Peter Hunt) decide to do something they haven’t done since FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE, ditch the gadgets, keep the splendor and make with the character development. A wise move for the introduction of a new Bond, it is at the same time pretty sad as the lack of this type of Bond film was one of the main reasons for Connery’s departure. Well—ya snooze, ya lose, Sean my Boy.

While I don’t want to be the guy that judges a performance, by the way a previous actor portrayed the role, a comparison to Connery is inevitable for any fan of the series. So, I’ll keep mine short and sweet: Due in large part to his age and “shit-don’t-stink” attitude, Lazenby loses points in the charm department. Something Connery had in spades. But, on the flip side of this, Lazenby has great strengths of his own. The most apparent of which is physicality. Lazenby kicks ass and looks great doing it. The fisticuff fight sequences are the best yet and this is in large part to the energy George brought to each and every sequence. Another thing I noticed was how well spoken he was. Sure, you could attribute that in large part the screenwriters, but I have to give the man props for how well and Bond-like he came off. And like Connery, the subtle smirks, cheeky dialogue and swagger-fueled strutting all return in familiar and lovable form.

While in real life, Lazenby was reportedly (on many occasions, through many different people) a pompous, whiny douchenozzel, having even been confirmed as such by the actor himself, I really dislike hearing people use it as a reason for not liking his performance as Bond. It’s the same shit you’ll hear all the time now-a-days about Tom Cruise. A lot of people claim to Hate him, but when asked about why? All the fuel for their argument comes down to Scientology and Oprah‘s couch. Fuck Oprah and her overpriced furniture. It‘s bullshit trivial nonsense that has little, if anything, to do with his work on-screen. Most people in the film business are weird or eccentric or assholish, or all three. It’s a moot argument until it affects their performance negatively. So, why bring this up you ask? Well, because I am going to sight some examples on how Lazenby’s off-screen persona added positively to his performance: Refusing to pull his punches, the fight sequences are realistic and thrilling. Complaining about having to do things that they would not have asked of Connery, lead to a memorable and funny introduction. And his cocksure narcissistic confidence played perfectly to James Bond’s character . Take that, nay-sayers!

From the moment we join back up with Bond, there is no doubt as to who he is and what he is about. Lazenby struts through a casino with class and flair, looking the part and more importantly, owning the part. There was nothing sheepish or shy about his performance, George played the role without apology that many “fans” thought they deserved and for that, Lazenby earned the right to be one of the few men chosen to represent James Bond.

In closing, I say: Lazenby was a great Bond. And dare I also say, he was at least as good as Connery in his first outing and in my opinion, did better than successor Roger Moore’s virgin performance. It’s a shame to think how great he could have been had he returned to the role for future installments. I think—probably the best. For a first time actor, filling the shoes of the most beloved film character of the ‘60’s, he had his work cut out for him. And he pulled it off with flying colors.

THE BOND VILLAIN(S):

Ilse Steppat as Irma Bunt

It’s rare that you see perfect casting. In the case of Irma Bunt, I’d say it’s pretty close. When I hear that name, I think: Cold, Short, Blunt, Determined, Butch and Bitch. Turns out, it’s not just a clever name. Ilse Steppat is all of those things to the max in her character. Blofeld’s apparent replacement for the late Ms. Klebb, Irma has something to prove, what it is—I couldn’t say, mostly ‘cuz I’d be too frightened to. Irma isn’t assigned a SPECTRE number, but she is clearly second in command for Blofeld’s latest scheme and it’s not hard to see why. This woman demands attention and obedience, without even needing to open her big, scary East German mouth.

In charge of keeping Blofeld’s Angels of Death committed to their “treatment”, she herself sets quite an example. The lady is simply terrifying. The list of villains I end up truly hating is a short one, but damned if the Buntster isn’t on it. This woman is relentless in her pursuit to fuck up Bond’s day, ultimately getting the final word on the subject in the closing scene. Damn. It’s unclear as to weather her character was intended to return for the next installment, and we may never know. Steppat passed away shortly after the release of OHMSS, and as such, James never got to enact revenge on the old bat. It’s too bad, as she was truly a formidable henchwoman and would have made a great recurring villainess. RIP.

Yuri Borionko as Grunther

His name sounds like a German euphemism for a power-dump, and it fits as this guy is a shit-brick house. Grunther is the 1969 model of the big blonde SPECTRE lug-head and he does his role justice. Old Thick-Neck here is under the charge of Frau Bunt and is pretty much your average trained ape. Grunther, Grab! Grunther, Shoot! Grunther, No Throwing Your Feces! You get the idea. What makes this character interesting though, is that his role culminates with trying to contain the fury of Ms. Tracy Vicenzo. Diana Rigg releases her inner Avenger all over this poor bastard and it is truly a blast to watch the two go toe-to-toe. After a few well timed judo-chops and a conveniently placed piece of dangerously pointy wall-art, Tracy channels Rosie the Riveter and ends this oppressor of womankind with brutal efficiency. Too bad he couldn’t hang around longer.

Telly Savalas as Ernst Stavro Blofeld

The best Blofeld is also my favorite Bond villain in the series. Telly Savalas was the epitome of everything I could ever want from a film franchise nemesis. Gone is the creepy finger-steepling soft spoken shady Blofeld of the past, this E.S.B. is not afraid to get his cat hair-covered hands dirty(dirtier?). Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like the way the character was represented in the previous films, it’s just that I like my villains to have more of a “…you‘ve got to do it your self” attitude. In the past films, Blofeld was more of a blanket of fear, a force in the darkness that if disobeyed, it meant your ass. All this was achieved by never leaving his comfortable leather desk chair. And that’s groovy. But this time around, Blofeld gets his ass up, out and on the front lines. An approach I much prefer.

Be it a day and night pursuit on skis, or a high speed bobsled chase, Blofeld is more determined than ever to end 007 and get what he wants. Which, I should mention, is a clean slate and recognition as 'Comte Balthazar de Bleuchamp' which is French talk for important family name and social standing. To achieve this, he has created a bacterial super-virus that will destroy entire species of crops, livestock and—Bum! Bum! Buuum! Humans. Though he says the United Nations will never allow it to get that far (he knows this ‘cuz he is smart). I figured that one out on my ownzees. Blackmail is his game and he holds all the cards. It’s a pretty crazy plan, but I like it. The funny thing is, it kinda takes a backseat to how much ass Blofeld is busy kicking in the mean time. Not only does he keep on top of Bond, but he also shows us a side, we’ve not yet seen before. Yeah, that’s right—Ernst gets smooth. After leaving Bond for dead in an avalanche, Blofeld takes off with his lady and has the brass Bezants to puts the moves on her back at his base! And I thought he only had eyes for felines. Isn’t it fun to watch a character grow?!

From his new found outgoing personality, to the way he holds his cigarettes, not only does Savalas pull off expanding the role, he does it with unapologetic style and leaves the character with a newfound and darkly personal edge.

THE BOND GIRLS:

The Angels of Death

Behold the center piece to Blofeld’s plan for worldwide blackmail and personal clemency. Twelve, (or is it Thirteen?) of the best women the world has to offer. Well, perhaps I took that a little too far—how about, best LOOKING women the world has to offer, AT THE TIME. That’s better. These luscious ladies are the unwilling, unknowing threat to mankind. Believing they are at Blofeld’s institute to cure their allergies, (which I didn’t think you COULD cure; apparently the makers of this film believed that allergies are all in your head and can be cured like irrational fears) they are really being subconsciously trained to be the trigger(wo)men for his virus. It takes more than a little grain of salt to believe in this ridiculous plan, I mean it’s like something you would see in a Bond Fil… Never mind.

Like I mentioned before, there are a bunch of them, most of which we do not get the pleasure of being formally introduced to. The best we get are three names, two of which we find out due to Bond “finding out”. So, lets talk about them:

Angela Scoular as Ruby Bartlett and Catherina von Schell as Nancy

Let’s start with Ruby, ‘cuz that’s what Bond did, High-O! I can’t imagine a more annoying person. She yaps and yaps in her big dumb glasses all the while stuffing her goofy grinning face with slimy roast chicken. Yuk. Somehow Bond seems to think this is attractive though, maybe it’s because she reaches up his kilt and writes her room number on his thigh. It’s one of the funniest moments in the movie and leads to one of the best Bond-Entendre’s in the series. Ruby is Bond’s window into Blofeld’s skeevy plan, but mostly she is just annoying. Did I mention that already?

On to bimbo #2. Nancy is her name, though I don’t remember if you ever find that out in the movie. After sneaking into Bond’s room whilst he is busy “getting busy” down the hall, she makes for a nice and funny surprise for James’ return. Her role leads to a unique scene, as we get to see just how douche-baggie Bond will be to bed a lady. James lays down the EXACT same pick-up lines he used on Ruby an hour earlier and catches poor Nancy hook-line and sinker. She is so taken by his line of bullshit, she tells him her name can wait till morning. Mother Fucker—This guy is smooth! Not much more I can say, other than she is at least clever enough to break out of her sealed bedroom and thankfully, she didn’t run her mouth like Ms. Bartlett. But that’s all we get from Miss. Sloppy Seconds. “Oh, Hilly!”

The rest of the girls just parade around in stereotypical ethnic attire and are as follows:

Dani Sheridan [American]
Anouska Hempel [Australian]
Mona Chong [Chinese] As Bond is captured while visiting Ruby’s room the second time, he is unable to attend his 10 o’clock rendezvous with this little lady. Thus, she is the failed Bond lay.
Angela Scoular [English]
Joanna Lumley [English]
Ingrit Black [German]
Julie Ege as Helen [Scandinavian]
Zara [Indian]
Jenny Hanley [Irish]
Helena Ronee [Israeli]
Sylvana Henriques [Jamaican]

continued...
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  #46  
Old 01-06-2009, 05:36 PM
...here

Diana Rigg as Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo aka Tracy Bond

Remember that girl that Bond saved in the pre-credits sequence? Turns out her name is Teresa—excuse me, Tracy. Teresa was a saint—and this girl lives on the razor’s edge. Get comfy, there is a lot to cover here and I have a ton to say about this particular little lady and I expect your full attention.

Returning from his beachside romp, Bond recognizes his damsel’s sports car outside his hotel and casino. Nothing to do now, but kick back, play some high-stakes baccarat and see what the money drags in. Turns out money is the perfect bait for large sumptuous breasts.

Her recluse abandon for well being and lackadaisical approach to winning or loosing copious sums of money intrigue Bond to a degree that I will never understand. Personally a dame that has no regard for self preservation and leaks money like a sieve is someone I want nothing to do with, but that is why I am sitting at a computer typing about characters that are leading far more interesting lives. “Sigh”. Anyways, the girl walks in, appearing only from the chest down (Mmm), places a large bet on Bond’s table—loses 10,000—and proclaims she can’t pay. Bond to the rescue again! Upon the reveal of the rest of her lovely visage, Bond has found what he’s been looking for. If only he knew how true this would be.

Introductions occur and in return for his generous bailout, Tracy allows Bond access to her ‘Secret Services’. Bond is reluctant at first (as much as a guy can be) , but she insists that she always pays her debts. A girl who cares not for her own well being, yet has the honor to make good on mistakes made with her ass? Tracy is already more interesting than any of the previous Bond girls combined and this is less than a half hour into the picture. Man—I’m starting to understand what Bond sees in the girl.

Long story short, it turns out that Tracy is the daughter of Marc-Ange Draco, a Mafioso type criminal, that after finding out what James has done for his one and only child, decides that Bond is the man he has been searching for to dominate his daughter (he actually says that). Draco figures that with a strong male around to TCB, his reckless offspring will settle down and stop her foolish shenanigans. Problem is, Bond ain’t a one-woman man—baby. So, to sweeten the deal, Draco offers a million dollar endowment upon marriage, but more importantly, his inside criminal information on the location of Blofeld. It’s a deal.

All is well and good, but Tracy isn’t fooled by the games of spies and men. She finds out about their deal and forces her father to give Bond the info and send him on his way, which he does. But here is the odd part, James sticks around—he is still interested in her, and who wouldn’t be? Well, I would say Bond, because he is a cold -hearted bastard, but that’s what makes this interesting. Que the falling in love montage. By this, I mean Tracy falls in love with James. It’s a beautiful sequence and marks a perfect end to the first half of the film. As Bond heads off alone to track down Blofeld, Tracy exclaims: “Whatever happens, there will be no regrets.” It is clear that she has seen the error of her suicidal tendencies and for the first time since we‘ve know her, she has hope. This is called character development, folks. I know the concept of it is lost in most Bond entries, but when it’s there, it’s something special and well worth taking notice in.

For almost the next hour, Tracy is not shown nor mentioned at all. It isn’t until both Bond and the audience have become so wrapped up in the task at hand and the peril of spy-life that James finds himself in, that she makes an unexpected and triumphant return. Having been on the run from Bunt, a squad of goons and a camera-wielding polar bear (don’t ask), 007 is at the end of his rope. Unable to escape and fearing the inevitable capture and death, Bond simply sits down on the edge of the town ice rink and resigns himself to his fate. Cold, frightened and alone, James waits for his pursuers to grab him, when something he, nor the audience, expects happens. Tracy skates up to him like an angel and if you watch closely, you are able to see the exact moment in which James Bond falls in love. It’s a beautiful moment of true romance. Tracy ends up saving James in more ways than one that night and Bond decides to follow by her example of paying what is owed, by proclaiming his love and renouncing his job without a second thought.

Skip to the End: A wedding, James Bond’s wedding. Who would have thought it? The world’s greatest womanizer settles down. As they are driving away from the reception, Tracy talks for the first time about being happy and how that James has given her the greatest gift of all: a future. The travesty of what follows is heartbreaking. The film ends with Bond devastated and holding Tracy’s body: ‘It’s all right, we have all the time in the world…’

Diana Rigg was classy, witty, tragic, smart, sexy and most importantly, believable. Believable that if there was a woman that could woo the world’s most famous bachelor away from his lifestyle, she was it. I love her character dearly and as Bond himself says ‘I know I’ll never find another girl like you.’ And he never did.

THE BOND-AIDS [GADGETS & CARS]

The combination of having to introduce a new actor for the character of Bond and director Peter Hunt’s decision to follow closely to Ian Fleming's original story, it left little room for nonsense and high tech wizardry. But, we are given a little something:

Safe Cracker / Olivetti Wet-Type Photocopier

I know what you’re thinking: “Man, I’d rather be looking up porn than reading Rant’s review” and perhaps “Photocopier? Whoop-de-Shit” But to be fair, you can look up porn in a few minutes, and portable photocopiers were not so common place back in 1969. Plus the sequence in which Bond waits for the cracker to do what it does, he reads a playboy featuring a previous Bond girl. Playboy has always been good to the Bond franchise, from publishing serials of Fleming’s work to featuring pictorials of former Bond Girls in their naked spender (pictures of which, I would love to get my hands on if you have any!). So, it was nice to see them elbow nudge Heff’s shag-mag for a couple minutes.

FRIENDS AND ALLIES

Gabriele Ferzetti as Marc-Ange Draco

My feelings are mixed for this guy: On one hand, he pays off a known hitman to seduce and marry his daughter for a large sum of money. On the other hand, he helps Bond ransack Blofeld’s base, he has a super hot trophy wife named Olympe, he runs a crime organization and he has an awesome last name. So conflicted! I guess since Tracy is on to his shit and that whole situation works itself out, I figure I can like the old goat. Aside from maintaining his daughter’s personal feelings toward him, this guy has his poop in a group. Draco gathers a small army and a fleet of helicopters in a matter of hours and has no qualms about breaking the United Nations negotiations by bringing all out war to SPECTRE’s doorstep. Yeah, this guy is A-OK in my book. It’s unfortunate that Ferzetti wasn’t tapped to reprise his role in the following film, as I’m sure his character has his own bone to pick for Tracy’s death. But then there is so many other unfortunate things with the next film, this one seems to fall by the wayside.

DEBRIEFING: FINAL THOUGHTS

While this film is usually adored by hardcore Bond fans, the casual fans and critics do have some valid, though unnecessarily picky complaints. The main one being continuity issues that Blofeld does not recognize James when he is posing as Sir Hilary Brant. A change of his voice and a pair of glasses is all that it takes for James to disguise himself in the presence of Blofeld. This seems ludicrous, as this Bond is intended to be the same as Connery’s and Blofeld would certainly recognize the man that cost him billions. In defense of this, this film is a very faithful adaptation of the book, which happens to take place before the events of YOLT. If this really bugs you, you’re missing everything fun and your inability to suspend disbelief means you’re probably not going to be a big Bond fan in the first place, so Shut-Up. That’s all I have to say about that. Enough negativity, on to some stuff I really dug about this flick.

The Chase, Christmas Time and a Broom-Wielding Midget Whistling the GOLDFINGER Theme:

First, the chase. Talk about epic! What YOLT did for the Shootout, this film does for the Chase Sequence. Starting with James’s escape from Piz Gloria, this bad boy lasts almost a solid 45 minutes. Wow! This is a more accurate adaptation of Stephen King’s THE RUNNING MAN than the movie THE RUNNING MAN. Bond is chased on skis, on foot, in a car and back on skis. The whole ordeal takes place over two days, and involves a shootout, a fist fight, a demolition derby race and an avalanche. Holy Cats! It’s a great sequence, made even better by the fact that halfway through, Tracy joins in the fun and takes control of the whole driving portion of the sequence. Good times are to be had, I assure you!

Second, it’s Christmas time in Bond-Land. OHMSS is the first Action film that I can think of to take place on the Winter Solstice, and I’m glad it was such a good one. While personally, I grew out of the holiday shortly after reaching the age of reason, I still get a kick out of watching Christmas themed action adventures. Probably because so many of them are Bad-Fucking-Ass. I mean you have DIE HARD, LETHAL WEAPON, THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT, FIRST BLOOD, INVASION U.S.A—and scores of others. I just think it is cool that not only is there a Bond film that joins the ranks of these classics, but it is also one of the very best of the 007 series. There is nothing quite like blowing shit up and putting foot to ass on Jesus’s B-Day.

Finally, the Broom-Wielding Midget Whistling the GOLDFINGER Theme. This film has a Broom-Wielding Midget Whistling the GOLDFINGER Theme—this does not need further insight. If you don’t get what is awesome about that, I don’t get you and I don’t want to.

In conclusion, this film is the best in the series as far as character driven story. There isn’t a bad performance in the lot. In fact, every character is as great as they have ever been, if not better. The screenplay was top notch, forcing the cast to give it all they got. All of the main characters are witty and extremely well spoken. It’s refreshing to see a sequel take such a 180 degree approach from the previous installment. It was ballsy and it paid off. Sure, the film made far less than the last two entries with Connery, but the public is a fickle bitch that is rarely right in retrospect. INDEPENDENCE DAY made more than 300 million in ticket sales and another 180 mill in rentals. I rest my case. This film is a classic and in my opinion, rests side-by-side with CASINO ROYALE as the best “Character Bond” 007 film. Unfortunately, this did not become a trend, as I will discuss in the next installment of my Bond-Endeavor. Take Care, Thanks For Reading and Happy Holidays.

10 outta 10
RANT WILL RETURN IN (a review of) DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

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  #47  
Old 01-06-2009, 05:45 PM
Copy Pasta

I posted this before, but it ended up being the final post on the 1st page and since I posted directly after it with a review, it most likely went unnoticed. So, I figured it wouldn't hurt to be redundant:

Just wanted to mention that this thread has gotten over 1300 hits, now I figure about 110 of those are my own, coming on to see if anyone commented, which means the rest must be at least a few people diggin' my rhetoric. As always, it's much appreciated. Especially to those who take the time to post.

Speaking of which, whether you like my stuff or not, I would love to see more of that. I don't make a dime off my reviews, (not that I think I should) so my payment, if I successfully entertain, is to read viewer comments. It's always nice to get feedback, so if you read my stuff and got a spare minute—it will be greatly appreciated and guaranteed a response. Thanks.
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  #48  
Old 01-06-2009, 06:03 PM
Awesome!!! Glad you love it! My favorite Bond film. Lazenby isnt nearly as bad as people make him out to be. The plot is great, Telly rocks, Diana Rigg rocks, the score rocks, the action rocks and the ending is a true heartbreaker. I wish Lazenby would have acted in a few more Bonds. I really thing he would have came into his own.

10/10
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  #49  
Old 01-14-2009, 08:03 PM
RANT'S BOND-A-THON: DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)

ATTENTION: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS


DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
.:BOND #007 (1971):.


CLASSIFIED INTEL: THE PLOT
We join James as he regrettably returns to work for Her Majesty’s Secret Service and starts work on a new mission. Sir Donald Munger, a diamond expert, suspects that copious amounts of precious South African diamonds are being stockpiled by a smuggling ring, in order to depress prices by flooding the market and thus weaken the pockets of rich white slave-driving businessmen. Since this is apparently a national threat, Bond—James Bond is given the task of impersonating one of the smugglers to unveil the ring of evildoers to the authorities.

As he climbs up the ridiculously long ladder of the smuggler ring, Bond soon finds out that all is not as it seems and there might be a little more at risk then the corporate land-rapists losing their stockholders’ faith and disrupting their cash-flow—Thankfully.

THE THEME AND CREDITS
Cheese and Crackers! It appears as though hunting down Blofeld has added 15 to 20 years on to James’s face since last we saw it! Oh, wait—Nope that’s just Sean Connery back in the saddle. But he does seem pretty weathered. We follow along as he hunts down Blofeld’s contacts in vengeful pursuit. Once again the filmmakers have decided to play with us a little and refuse to show Bond until well into the pre-credits action. But, it all adds to the fun of seeing Connery after 4 years in the role that made him famous.

Apparently James is a wittle bit pissed that his wife was gunned down under the orders of one creepy bald fuckhead in the previous installment, and it’s time to take a stroll down ye olde warpath. We follow 007 from Asia, to Cairo and then to Marie. No, Marie is not a small village in France—it is a girl, or woman if you prefer, and I certainly hope she is old enough to be called one, ‘cuz it’s t-minus (5) to some nipples. Turns out this girl has the goods on where James can find Blofeld, (4) and it’s up to him to get that info. (3) Is James Bond gonna hav’ta choke a bitch?! Yesh—(2)Yesh, he is. With her own bathing top no less. (1=NIPPLES!) So, Bond gets Blofeld’s location and I get a tent-pole. It’s all very nice. With that, James is off to a reclusive facility where unnatural surgeries are being performed involving disgustingly large amounts of mashed-potato-shit-liquid. It’s unknown what happens to poor Marie, I like to think James used her like hot-pocket microwave sleeve and left her body soaking up some rays, sans tan lines in the middle of a shallow grave. Cold—maybe. Deserved—you betcha.

At the underground clinic, Bond finds what he has been searching for. Blofeld—or, some guy that Bond thinks is Blofeld. At any rate, 007 drowns the guy in a cascade of diarrhea, only to find out that it was just some guy undergoing the process to become his look-alike! This is outrageous on numerous levels, but the main one being that the “REAL” Blofeld shows himself and he has undergone surgery to look like James’s ex-Japanese liaison Henderson, from YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE! Why?! Because apparently the producers really liked actor Charles Gray. BUT THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT! The point is, why create “clones” if #1. You knew Bond was going to be breaking into your look-a-like factory and you could easily send your goons to kill him and B. You have already altered your appearance so drastically that no one who knew you will be able to recognize your face. Answer —so James can do what the Rolling Stones couldn’t, get some satisfaction. Bond disables Blofeld’s goons and straps the widower-making bastard to a gurney and dumps him head first into a boiling pit of fecal matter. What a shitty way to go—Bring on the title sequence!

Maurice is back and better than ever! You may be wondering, “Did they bring anyone else back with him?!” Why, Shirley! Ms. Bassey is back as well and assaulting my eardrums with another annoyingly catchy tune. It’s been a week since I re-watched the film for this review and the song is STILL in my head. And it feels like it will be—Forever, Forever—FOREVER. But, that’s OK, because it reminds me of how perfect these set of credits truly are. A plethora of gorgeous ladies, dolled up in gigantic shiny rocks, sitting around with their fuzzy pussies on display—you know, like Blofeld’s cat. I call him Mr. Fluffynuts. So, Mr. Fluffynuts struts between the ladies’ legs and Shirley wails on about the diamonds they are sporting and I sit back with a smile on my face. After two lackluster credit sequences in a row, I was starting to think that there was no hope for the credit sequences to reach above and beyond THUNDERBALL’s. Well, no more. This sequence is spectacular. A great song, a great montage and plenty more areolas. You know, for a PG flick—there sure is a lot of titty. Yes sir, the ‘70’s where a pretty swell time.

BOND, JAMES BOND: SEAN CONNERY
BODY BAGS FILLED [7] BOND BABES FULFILLED [1 for certain 1 interrupted]

The lovable old coot Connery returns for his swansong (official) portrayal of Commander James Bond. And if I had to describe the performance in one word: Bittersweet. After the credits, we find James back at MI-6 and being lectured on diamonds by a very short and sarcastic M. M is in a pissy mood because James appears to have no interest in the task at hand, to which M points out that HE came back to them and now that Blofeld is gone, James better shape up or ship out. There is an enormous amount of tension between the two of them and it feels like there is a missing story to be told (something I will discuss later). Shortly hereafter Bond is given the bullshit “national security” job of undercover smuggler busting, a job much more suited for some private dick like Sherlock Holmes. Connery really plays the role here the way I think Bond would react to such a mission: begrudgingly. And this is where most of the criticism for DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER begins…

People give Sean shit for “phoning in” his performance, but I mostly disagree with this statement. Connery plays Bond the way I believe his mental state would be after the events of the previous film. Bond is tired and regrets having to be 007 again. He returns to the position to use it for revenge, but when this is accomplished, he has to face facts that the job is all he has left. And he is bitter. This is how Connery plays the part, and it is well done. It just happens to be that in real life (though without any tragedy), Sean was in a similar position with the role of James Bond. His first 2 post-Bond projects where commercial failures. So, when asked to play the role one more time, Connery used the job to get what he wanted. A deal for future projects where he had creative control and a financial means to create a foundation for Scottish artists. Bond used the job to get revenge, Connery used the job to secure his acting career. I see nothing wrong with this picture.

Critics also give Connery flak for being a little paunchy. The guy was 41 years old, a former bodybuilder and had played Bond for a decade—how about a little slack? He busted his ass for 40 years and at 41 still looked better than most people that bitch about his extra weight. Sure he looks a little weathered, but at 40+ years of age, I think Bond would look weathered too. The only thing I have issue with as far as physically with Connery is his eyebrows. They look like they have doubled in size since YOLT. Damn, them are some bushy tufts of eye-drapes. But, this is more of an observation than a gripe. I wouldn’t give a shit if Connery played the role bald with a beer gut, he’d still be James Bond to me.

The problem that I have with the role is—nothing. I think Connery did a great job, the issue here is, that his portrayal was suited for a much more serious film. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER is no OHMSS, but Connery, bless him, played it like it was. The sad thing is, these two forces do not mesh well together. DAF is what I would consider the first Roger Moore Bond film, it just doesn’t happen to have Roger Moore in it. The film is silly and it comes at a bad place in the film series timeline. The movie would have been much better suited as a balls-out dark revenge thriller, but instead they made a violent screwball comedy. It’s kinda like:

“Hey, do you like Cotton Candy?”
“Yeah, it’s sweet and delicious!”
“How about Soy Sauce?”
“Of course, it’s salty and has bite to it!”
“How about some Cotton Candy soaked in Soy Sauce?”
“Um—no thanks.”

That’s the best way I can think of how to describe Connery in this movie. He is great when used to punch up the taste of something lacking a bit of flavor, but if you put him over something already bursting with too much, you just get a big old mess. So I blame the filmmakers for this outing. They never seem to understand that quality is better than quantity. I will say that it is a shame this movie wasn’t a better one for Connery’s sake. He deserved better as he gave so much to the series. Sauvé, debonair, cheeky, handsome, sarcastic, witty, smart, ruthless, charming, dangerous and classy: Connery brought it all to the table and left no room for dessert. They brought it anyways and we ate it, like the gluttons we are. And of course, no overstuffed belly is complete without a stomach ache, just don’t blame the main course for the pain. Gone but not forgotten, you where a gentleman and a badass and I salute you Sir Connery, thank you for being the hero of a generation and the admiration of many to come.

THE BOND VILLAIN(S):

There are more fucking villains in this film than there are hairs on Sean Connery’s chest. I don’t have the time nor patience to give all of them their own blurb, so you’ll have to excuse me as I perform some grouping…

The Diamond Smuggling Chain

CLICK ME!
From Left To Right, Top To Bottom:
[Link #01] Henry Rowland as Dr. Tynan
[Link #02] Raymond Baker as Joe The Pilot
[Link #03] Margaret Lacey as Mrs. Whistler
[Link #04] Jill St. John as Tiffany Case
[Link #05] Joe Robinson as Peter Franks
[Link #06] Marc Lawrence, Sid Haig and Michael Valente as Slumber Inc. Goons
[Link #07] David Bauer as Morton Slumber
[Link #08] Leonard Barr as Michael "Shady" Tree
[Link #09] Bruce Cabot as Albert R. "Bert" Saxby
[Link #10] Joseph Furst as Professor Dr. Metz

The film begins with some African miners “stealing” diamonds that their blood and sweat unearthed and smuggling them out of the pits hidden in their mouths. Enter Dentist Dr. Tynan. Extracting the diamonds he delivers them to Joe the Pilot. Both are killed at this exchange by Wint and Kidd. W&K bring the diamonds to the next contact, an African missionary teacher, Mrs. Whistler. This little lady brings them to Tiffany Case in Amsterdam to await pickup by Peter Franks. She is killed by W&K after delivery. Franks is taken in by MI-6 and Bond replaces him in the chain. Not for long though, as he escapes custody and almost blows James’s cover, but he is “extinguished” by Bond in an elevator fight-sequence—it’s very exciting. Next stop, the States. Bond has hidden the goods inside the body of Franks and is greeted at the airport by the Slumber Inc. Goons and brought to their boss Morton Slumber. Slumber has the diamonds extracted from the depths of Frank’s colon and gives them back to Bond to place for pick up by Shady Tree. It is here that W&K show up to kill Bond, but fail as he is saved by Shady and Morton because he didn’t give them the REAL diamonds. Thus making these last 15 minutes pointless. Next, Mr. Tree gets axed by W&K just before they find out that the REAL diamonds where not yet delivered to Bert Saxby, Blofeld’s new second in command. This upsets them. Meanwhile, Bond has arranged for an exceedingly elaborate and highly un-entertaining pick up of the REAL diamonds for Tiffany. After a super boring sequence, she gets them and they eventually end up in the hands of Dr. Metz at Willard Whyte’s laboratory.

Look at that shit, talk about overstuffed plot—Holy Shit! And that was just the super short version of the diamond chain. Ninety-nine percent of which is pure filler. The whole thing plays out like a PINK PANTHER or OCEAN’S ELEVEN plot, but without the fun. Saxby for sure gets whacked later, but as for the rest, who knows and who cares? It’s all hard to follow, not just because it is convoluted, but because it is so damned uninteresting. The only thing that keeps it watchable is Connery, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. The rest of these people can fuck right off into obscurity, I’ve already wasted more time than I wanted to discussing this chain of fools.

Lola Larson as Bambi (Right) and Trina Parks as Thumper (Left)

Only in a Bond film could you have found 2 barely dressed female gymnastic bodyguards. Well, perhaps some porno flicks had similar characters, but I digress. In charge of keeping tabs on the kidnapped Willard Whyte, these two wood nymphs greet Bond in style. First with seduction, then with an ass-kicking. This is the only scene in the movie that I think Connery’s age starts to show. I almost felt bad watching this middle aged dude getting his ass handed to him by two skinny rug-munchers. It’s pretty pathetic and sad, but on the other hand it’s kinda sexy too. There comes a point where Bond is being choked between Bambi’s thighs that gets me all twitterpated. Eventually, they tire of throwing the old man around the room and toss him into the outdoor pool. Big Mistake. Don’t these bitches know that water aerobics are the preferred source of exercise for old people? Well they do now. Bond gets his waterlogged revenge as the soothing waters of Whyte’s pool regenerate his aching bones back to 1962 and he uses his regained strength to torture the location of Willard out of them. The scene with these two is not very long, but it is one of the most memorable of the film, it’s one of the rare instances that the overbearing wackiness and humor actually became enjoyable to watch.

Bruce Glover as Mr. Wint and Putter Smith as Mr. Kidd

Blofeld’s two MAIN henchmen in the film, (I say main, ‘cuz he had about 100) these two save the film in my opinion. Given the task of cleaning up the film’s over-staffed plot, the duo of Wint and Kidd traverse the world clipping off each link in the diamond chain, one by one, as the final shipment makes its way to the Professor. Mr. Wint is clearly the dominant of the relationship, as he lords over his partner with dagger-shooting stares and has the odd obsession with over saturating himself in lady’s perfume. Mr. Kidd keeps up pace in the creepy department though, by having a constant clown-like grin, sporting a chomo stash and has a hairdo that looks like sans-toupee Connery gone hermit. On one hand, they are extremely weird and funny and on the other they are cold and vicious. They made me laugh one minute and then totally creeped me out the next. For instance, they drown a little old lady (funny) and wait around for the police to find the body and takes pictures of her corpse (creepy)—while making a joke at her expense (funny). It’s an interesting combo.

I’ll assume that these two characters usually end up in one of two fan categories: Loved ‘em or Hated ‘em. As for me, I have to go with Love. I mean, what isn’t TO LOVE about two effeminate homosexual hitmen who have a love for the theatrics, spout witty post-mortem one-liners and perform humorously complex assassinations? In an odd twist, these two make it through the entire film before getting their comeuppance minutes before the credits. Their lives end, much the same way as they lived, with a blaze of flamboyance and big bang finish.

continued...

Last edited by Rant; 01-14-2009 at 08:09 PM..
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  #50  
Old 01-14-2009, 08:05 PM
...here

Charles Gray as Ernst Stavro Blofeld

Holy Cloned Cats, Bond-Man! This film actually has a caper worthy of James Bond’s talents! And it is all thanks to—The Man, The Myth, The Legend—Mr. Ernst Stavro Blofeld. So, as most every one has figured, Bond was indeed unsuccessful at taking out his arch nemesis in that riveting pre-credit’s sequence. Turns out, 007 killed one of Blofeld’s look-a-likes. Sonovabitch. Bond finds Blofeld in the penthouse sweet at the Whyte House hotel and casino in Vegas, orchestrating from on high the production of a giant diamond powered “Laser”-shooting satellite, to—you know, take over the world or some shit, I think. At this point in the movie, I was just so happy that the plot involved something other than boring-ass smugglers that I even forgive the weakest of all the portrayals of Blofeld. For some odd reason, Gray decided (perhaps with the director, I’m not sure) to play Ernst as a hot headed, fussy, overgrown twelve-year-old—with a full head of hair. Um—where is Telly Savalas—can we have him back, please?

OK, so maybe I’m being a little unfair, but this just doesn’t seem like the villain we have come to know and hate these past two films. For one, he’s kind-of effeminate and goofy, something the film already had covered with Mr. Wint, Mr. Kidd, Tiffany and Plenty. Why did they feel the need to change his character so much? I can only assume that they figured with the plot involving radical plastic surgery and “cloning”, it would make sense to have him act as though he lost a chromosome or two. One thing they did not loose however, is that he is still a cold-hearted evil-genius criminal fuck. Thankfully. Since Bond thwarted his previous two plans, he has already put together a world-wide diamond smuggling ring, kidnapped one of the richest and most protected men in America, completed a technological miracle and terminated almost every person and piece of evidence that leads back to him by the time Bond gets wise. Pretty amazing.

So all-in-all, the character isn’t terrible, they just took it in a direction that I don’t care for and as this was (pretty much) the last time Bond tangos with Blofeld, I expected something far more down and dirty, something with grit and balls, something up-close and personal—Fuck—just SOMETHING. The worst part about the character this time, is that you don’t even get to see what happens to him, is he dead? (no) So, how did he get away? (not gonna show you—ever) What a lame ass way to end this villain’s trilogy. I don’t so much blame Charles Gray, he did fine with what he was given, but I don’t understand the motives of the producers and director. Why not give the audience a final confrontation? That would have been nice after all the time and money that has been spent on both sides of the James Bond phenomenon. It’s a problem that they would not address for another 10 years, and even then it is lackluster and impersonal.

THE BOND GIRLS:

Lana Wood as Plenty O'Toole

Ah, Plenty. Her role is small and we don’t get to know much about her, but what we do get, I’ll draw out in length as I couldn’t help but fall in love with this girl. James meets this little minx on the casino floor while passing the time. Ms. O’Toole is a craps-rat, selling her company to the highest roller and flashing her plentiful goods for a chance at fortune. She’s pretty much a whore, but don’t get me wrong in thinking I meant that as a bad thing. I have respect for the ladies of the evening, they use what nature gave them to get what they want and need, nothing wrong with that! Very little bullshit, you get what you pay for here.

Plenty hears Bond make a large bet from across the casino, just after she finishes ditching a poor sap whose money she helped dissipate. Drawn to the sound of money on the line, she introduces herself to 007. It’s a funny little scene and one of the few successes at humor in the movie. So, lets talk about her name. Plenty O’Toole. This is not the name of someone I would want to be sexually involved with. This name belongs to a 300lbs gay bouncer at Studio 54, not to a curvy dark haired dish like Lana Wood. Plenty works her magic, losing James’ money and talking too much with her Studio Tour Guide-ish voice. But, James still leaves the table a richer man, with Plenty on his arm. It is at this point that the film jumps to Bond’s hotel room, leaving out a little scene where the two go to dinner and Plenty gets jealous as James takes in the scenery of the staff. It’s a shame they cut it out of the final version as it was funny and gave the lovely Ms. Wood more screen time.

Anyways, back to the room. Plenty kisses Bond and he unzips her dress, revealing an ass he could set a vodka martini on. Damn! Makes me want to motorboat, that’s fo’ sho’. She excuses herself to go freshen up for sexy-time and annoyingly the Slumber Inc. Goons show up and toss the poor girl out the window into the hotel’s pool . In the finished film, Plenty only shows up for a couple seconds more later on, this time at the bottom of another pool. Plenty: Unlucky at Craps, Unlucky at Love, Unlucky at Life. It’s sad and makes little sense, but this is something I will talk about later. As for James, he was left to have sex with the runners-up prize—so, I guess I have to talk about her now. *Grumble*

Jill St. John as Tiffany Case

Tiffany Case. Named after her accidental birthplace. Apparently a place called Tiffany & CO. A joke that is lost on me—so, I’ll skip going on about it. James meets this girl while posing as Franks and proceeds to use her as a gateway into the inner workings of the smuggling ring. Tiffany is a bad person for smuggling diamonds, but she is unknowing in that she is working for SPECTRE. And this ‘unknowing’ is a character trait that ends up just pissing me off. Her character starts off great, she cracks jokes and refuses to give in to Bond’s advances, but as the film goes on, she is revealed as something else. A money-grubbing moron, nothing more—maybe a little less.

I have a theory as to what happened, come along with me… Tiffany begins this journey in Northern Europe, a place that is characterized with gloomier skies and colder weather than say a place like Las Vegas. Now, we all know the character of SUPERMAN is made powerful by Earth’s yellow sun, correct? Yes, well I believe the opposite is true of Ms. Case. Because the closer she gets to the equator and the more sunshine she absorbs, the more stupid, annoying and therefore less ‘powerful’ she becomes at keeping my interest. Would you read a comic about the adventures of powerless douche Clark Kent? Fuck no! And I don’t want to watch a movie about Ditzy The Diamond Smuggler. Unless it’s full of gratuitous nudity and well-written capers, but this isn‘t, So Fuck It.

It’s like they gave up on her character halfway through the movie. The once witty girl with a fondness for wigs and high-tech smuggling gear is replaced by some bimbo that shrieks “EEK!” and serves little purpose outside of T&A. It’s weird. It’s almost as though the moment Plenty is thrown stage left, Tiffany developed all her traits. Not Good. Contrary to her name, Plenty is good in small doses. I don’t want to see a floozy shaking her ass in place of what began as a smart-alecky girl with a brain. She is no Tracy Bond and I guess that might be MY problem. The filmmakers wanted to re-capture the fun-loving Bond girl, and I guess for most people, Tiffany fits the bill. The character herself is rarely boring and Jill St. John has a rocking body, so I guess my complaints are more of a personal problem than a fault to the film. She certainly fits into the theme and feel of this movie and in the end, I guess that has to be enough.

THE BOND-AIDS [GADGETS & CARS]
Continuing the theme of MORE! MORE! MORE! The gadgets return in full force for DIAMONDS. Bond turns into Inspector Gadget this go-round as he seems to pull the perfect device out of his ass time and time again. Here’s the list:

The Mountaineering Pistol

- A Pocket Snap Trap: Used When A Henchmen Grabs For Bond’s Gun
- Fake Fingerprints: Used When Tiffany Checks His Identity
- A Mountaineering Pistol with Grappling Suspenders: Used When Bond Scales The Whyte House
- Voice Modification Machine: Used To Trick Blofeld Into Giving Out Information
- A Water Traversing Sphere: Used For Just That

And these are just the ones Bond uses, there are a grab-bag of other devices used by every other character in the movie. It starts to become an overload of whatchamacallits. The issue I have in this installment is that all the gadgets are SO circumstance specific. It is a real test to believe the foresight of the situations was possible. It makes me think that maybe Bond has always been packing a ton of other gadgets throughout all the films, ever waiting for the perfect opportunity to unleash the high-tech wizardry and DIAMONDS is the first time he has been able to fully unload. But I doubt this.

FRIENDS AND ALLIES

Jimmy Dean as Willard Whyte

Showing up late in the already overcrowded film is the man that Blofeld kidnapped and impersonated. Willard Whyte. A character based entirely on mega-rich industrialist, Howard Hughes. Whyte, being held prisoner by Blofeld and guarded by Bambi and Thumper, is saved in the third act by Bond and the two subsequently become buddies. Seeing as how the film is coming to an end, there isn’t much time for hanging out and partying though, so their relationship becomes one of Aid and Vengeance. Whyte gives Bond the means he needs to find Blofeld and get revenge for the both of them. Willard fills in the missing pieces to finding Blofeld and brings the cavalry to the final showdown, complete with Jimmy Dean’s redneck whoopin’ and a’hollerin. As most in the film, the role is small, but well-cast and the character brings what is needed, even delivering some eccentrically funny one-liners.

Norman Burton as Felix Leiter

It’s Felix! (whoot?) Hmm, somethin’ wrong here… Felix returns after a two-movie hiatus and is once again played by another actor. Leiter shows up at the airport to point James in the right direction for delivering the diamonds and reassures his country’s support in James’s detection of the devious diamond caper. But this happy go-lucky Felix disappears after this scene. When he returns he is unlike the role I have come to know and love.

Showing up later on, Leiter has transformed into a total dick. Gone is the buddy-cop banter of yore, replaced with by-the-book bureaucratic bullshit. Isn’t it enough Bond has been catching flack in one direction from M, but now he has to be read the riot-act by his longtime friend? What gives? The answer is unveiled somewhat within the commentary on the DVD: To try and contrast the “childlike pain-in-the-ass” Blofeld, the filmmakers decided to have a more “buttoned-down” Felix. Well, Fuck My Ass. How dare these people allow this to happen to my dear friend Felix? It’s a God Damn sacrilege. So even though “Stormin” Norman played the role the way the filmmakers wanted it, he is still, by far, my least favorite Felix. I feel violated.

finished...
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  #51  
Old 01-14-2009, 08:06 PM
...here

DEBRIEFING: FINAL THOUGHTS
There are several things I feel I need to discuss here, and unfortunately it’s mostly negative shit. I’m going to start with what I thought the next Bond film should have been after OHMSS.

I always felt as though there was a missing piece to the Blofeld Trilogy puzzle. I like to think that somewhere out there is an un-shot film featuring a pursuit of revenge that culminates in the pre-credits sequence to DIAMONDS. You know how in the ROCKY movies, the sequels always start out with a re-cap of the ending to the previous installment and then use it as a segue-way into further adventures? That’s what the pre-credits on DIAMONDS is to me. And in this non-excitant film we get to see how 007 becomes bitter and uninterested in continuing with his assignments as he hunts down his beloved’s killers, how M falls off the fence into the territory of disliking Bond and begins treating him like shit. How James is merely going along with the trudges of his life, refusing to end it all, yet never again being fully satisfied with his return to the world of spies and espionage. Sure, it sounds dark and depressing, but doesn’t it also sound appropriate and emotionally stirring? Maybe they could have had Bond team up with a girl that is also looking for revenge and subsequent peace. Perhaps have their stories become intertwined and lead to the same conclusion. They could have called it QUANTUM OF SOLACE after Ian Fleming’s short story and… You know now that I think about it, never mind. They probably would have just fucked that up, too.

Another thing that chaps my ass are the deleted scenes and the un-shot ending. With the latest DVD release, they included some unused plot developments that REALLY should have been included in the final release. The main one being the missing piece of the Plenty O’Toole storyline. In the film, Plenty is killed, assumingly by W&K, at Tiffany Case’s villa. Bond explains that they must have mistaken her for Tiffany. The problem with this is WHY? Why the fuck was Plenty at Tiffany’s villa? It was never explained. Until now.

In the deleted scene, a soaking wet Plenty comes back up to Bond’s hotel room after being thrown out and while she is collecting her things, sees James giving Tiffany the old high hard one and she becomes angry and hurt. Rather than make a scene that could get her thrown out again, she instead sees Tiffany’s purse and finds the address that Case is staying at. Why she would go to such lengths to confront this woman is explained in the other deleted scene I mentioned above. Plenty is a very jealous woman and it leads to her downfall. There, now isn’t that a nice little character arc? Too bad they cut the middle part of her story out and made her death both pointless and confusing. And as for the ending, the screenwriters Richard Maibaum and Tom Mankiewicz had penned a showdown between Bond and Blofeld going mano a mano, in a fight to the death, amongst the salt fields of Mexico. Instead the filmmakers decided that having Bond crash Blofeld’s sub into a wall a couple times and leaving out any close-ups of a demise, would be sufficient enough.

Which leads me to another film series and a comparison I happened to notice. Often YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE, ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE and DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER are described as the BLOFELD TRILOGY. They are the three films back-to-back-to-back that feature Ernst as the main villain. And upon watching these again, I started to notice similarities to the STAR WARS TRILOGY. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE is like A NEW HOPE in that Bond starts out with a clean slate, he fakes his death and becomes the hope for war on SPECTRE, an evil organization that is trying to rule the world. Much like the Empire is trying to control the universe. Bond liaisons and allies are killed, as is Obi Wan. And like Obi Wan, a mentor teaches Bond the ways of the ninja “force”. Then in the end, Bond blows up the base of the operations for the enemy, leaving only the main villain to narrowly escape punishment and death: Vader-Blofeld.

Then, in OHMSS, Bond looks different and in EMPIRE Luke looks different. Both reasons due to outside forces, Bond being played by Lazenby and Mark Hamill was in an automobile accident. Both films further the stories of the main hero and deepen the bonds he has to the main villain. Both films feature ice and snow filled areas, where large portions of the films’ action sequences take place. And they both have a downer ending. In EMPIRE, Luke loses his hand, Han is taken away by Boba Fett and he finds out Vader is his father and in MAJESTY Bond finds the love of his life and loses her soon after.

Then to rap it all up, there is the final confrontation. The film that will feature the end to the conflict one way or another. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER and RETURN OF THE JEDI. Both films feature deserts, space and lasers, both have two gay characters for comic relief and both take what could have been a dark and serious story and muck it up by too many special effects, goofy jokes and a piss poor lackluster endings. In JEDI, the culminates with a bunch of muppets and a treetop hug-a-war and in DIAMONDS it comes down to a sub on a crane and a silly-ass pre-credits schlock-spectacular. It’s like jerking-off to the point of climax, but then snapping a cloths-pin on your dick-hole, it’s painful-it’s stupid-and it’s hard to watch.

The entire premise of DIAMONDS was to re-capture the fun and grandeur of the mid-sixties Bond films, but most importantly the money they generated. The producers wanted to jumpstart a whole new era of Bond-Mania by essentially creating GOLDFINGER 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. They picked a story revolving around an expensive and coveted natural mineral to reflect the precious commodity of gold of GOLDFINGER and they brought back Sean Connery, Shirley Bassey, Old-Guy Felix, the gadgets and upped the camp comedy. They even originally planned to make the main villain in DIAMONDS Goldfinger’s twin brother. All of this sounds like a blast, but NOT following the previous film. It was not the time, nor the place. There was a different story to tell, one with much darker tones that got abandoned because the fickle fucking audience not willing to give OHMSS a chance. It’s bullshit and it sucks. I understand why they did what they did with DIAMONDS, but I don’t have to like it. No, sir.

The film, as a whole and separate entity, is not horrible. It features a killer score, a bitchin’ opening credits sequence, several well shot chase sequences, the ladies look great, Q gets his own funny scene and it has Sean Connery as Bond. The script is just weak sauce and the feel of the movie was made too silly and all this was done to pander to the casual moviegoer masses that were too stupid to enjoy the smarter and more serious previous installment. But what are you gonna do? I can piss and moan all day about what could have been, but this review is long enough. And with that, arc-one of my Bond-A-Thon Review Pilgrimage has come to an end.

5 outta 10
RANT WILL RETURN IN (a review of) LIVE AND LET DIE


I’m taking a short break to work on other things, but I’ll be back with MOORE In mid-to-late February. I'm also going to try something new at the end of each review here:

Q. Which Bond Girl Would You Rather Bring To Bed: Plenty or Tiffany? Why?
Q. Who Do You Think Played The Best Blofeld? Why?
Q. What Did You Think Of Connery's Final (official) Portrayal Of Bond?


Let's try to get a conversation going.

---
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  #52  
Old 01-15-2009, 12:24 AM
Damn Rant that was a review and a half!!!

Diamonds Are Forever is one of the only Bond films I straight up dislike. It just doesnt do a damn thing for me. Connery seems extremely bored. The directing and editing is poor (especially at the beginning) and we get the worst Blofeld by far.

4/10
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  #53  
Old 01-15-2009, 11:12 AM
Yeah . . . Diamonds Are Forever is not one of the best Bond flicks. Which is why I haven't seen it in forever.
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  #54  
Old 01-27-2009, 07:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rant View Post

Q. Which Bond Girl Would You Rather Bring To Bed: Plenty or Tiffany? Why?
Q. Who Do You Think Played The Best Blofeld? Why?
Q. What Did You Think Of Connery's Final (official) Portrayal Of Bond?


Let's try to get a conversation going.

---
I'd bang either one of those chicks... in 1970. But I guess I'd have to go with Tiffany. They're both loose slags, but Tiffany seemed to have more of a mind and with that, probably some prowess in the bedchambers. Plenty just seemed dumb to me... a dead lay.

Blofeld. Man, I really like Pleasance as the big baddie but Telly was like a big scary teddy bear with fangs beneath his fur. If I have to choose though, it'll have to be Donald. He's just so scary.

Not counting Never Say Never Again (unofficial), I'll say that Connery came back at the wrong moment. He should've been there for OHMSS, but then that's his fault.

Connery plays the man at half steam, and seems completely aware of what a clusterfuck of a film he's in. I think that it's just lucky coincidence that Bond is supposed to feel sort of Shanghaied into still working for an organization even when he's not got the will to perform his job as well as he should.

But that's just me.
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  #55  
Old 02-10-2009, 11:05 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by poopontheshoes7 View Post
Damn Rant that was a review and a half!!!
Yeah, that one did run a little long...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kain424 View Post
I'd bang either one of those chicks... in 1970. But I guess I'd have to go with Tiffany. They're both loose slags, but Tiffany seemed to have more of a mind and with that, probably some prowess in the bedchambers. Plenty just seemed dumb to me... a dead lay.

Blofeld. Man, I really like Pleasance as the big baddie but Telly was like a big scary teddy bear with fangs beneath his fur. If I have to choose though, it'll have to be Donald. He's just so scary.

Not counting Never Say Never Again (unofficial), I'll say that Connery came back at the wrong moment. He should've been there for OHMSS, but then that's his fault.

Connery plays the man at half steam, and seems completely aware of what a clusterfuck of a film he's in. I think that it's just lucky coincidence that Bond is supposed to feel sort of Shanghaied into still working for an organization even when he's not got the will to perform his job as well as he should.

But that's just me.
Dumb chicks are great for one night stands, (I've heard... WHY GOD? WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER?!) I would have to go with Plenty myself. It would just take ONE of Tiffany's dumbass wide-eyed looks that she does all the time to send me off the deep end.

Fair enough on the other responses. Thanks for taking the time.

---
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