#1  
Old 02-10-2009, 11:20 PM
Road House (1989)

Plot Synopsis and Review by Rant

[Title Reference] A Road House is a tavern, inn, nightclub or hangout, which is patronized by all forms of lowlife redneck jerk-off douche bags, located on the outskirts of a town. Whores, tramps, drug dealers, hillbillies, republicans, retards, 40-year-old adolescents, felons, power drinkers and trustees of modern chemistry are also commonly seen grazing the pastures of the broken glass-ridden, saw-dust covered wooden flooring. The main location of the story takes place in one such establishment, the Double Deuce.
[Tagline] The dancing’s over. Now it gets dirty. (Yeah It's Time For Dirty Dancing!—Oh God, Why?)/ It’s Last Call… For Action!
[Director] Rowdy Herrington (How perfect is it that a guy named Rowdy directed this?)
[Main Hero] Dalton (Patrick Swayze) [Sidekick] Wade Garrett (Sam Elliott)
[Villain(s)] Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara) [Henchman] Jimmy (Marshall Teague) and Numerous Backwoods Lackey Scum


From the moment the title is revealed, you know you are in for 114 minutes of pure class and sophisticated fun as the words Road and House are proudly displayed next to the perfect posterior of a hard-body club-slut as she steps out of Don Johnson’s car. I’m assuming that he stays in the vehicle to finish doing bumps off the dash-board, ‘cuz his lady gyrates solo up to a nightclub called the Bandstand. Inside, the focus sadly changes to the old guy who plays John Locke’s dad on LOST, as he awkwardly maneuvers through the sea of eighties hipsters looking for something. Due to the setting, I immediately assumed it was a fix, but it turns out he’s looking for something with a little more kick. He finds it too.

The film cuts to a mass of hair, slowly bobbing in tune, by the side of the bar as the band from FROM DUSK TILL DAWN blasts “Don’t Throw Stones!” when a fight between a gacked-up yuppie and his trick breaks out. The Mullet Of The Gods turns like a wolf catching the scent of blood: The Name—Is Dalton. He speaks monosyllabically and keeps his cool even when slashed in the arm by the out-of-control yuppie’s coke-sniffing knife. Following Dalton into a back room, Locke’s Dad introduces himself as a the owner of the Double Deuce, a road side bar that’s in dire need of a good ass kicker and he wants the best in the business. As Dalton informs us, (with his shirt off) that man is some guy named Wade, but he’s old and Locke’s Dad wants himself some of the D and is willing to pay top dollar. They drop the term “Cooler” and by the look of this situation, I assumed that was a euphemism for gigolo. BUT, as it turns out, it’s more like a Zen guardian of bouncers. Someone who works security at a club, keeps his ‘cool’ and steps in when heated predicaments need ‘cooling’ down. I don’t get it, but he does have a man-whore hairdo though, so I wasn’t completely grasping at straws. The important thing here is that Dalton accepts the job.

A hop, skip and a drive to Jasper, Missouri later and it’s time to rumble. But before we get into the thick of it, I think it is important to know a few things about this God Amongst Men.

I Thought You’d Be Taller: A Mini Dalton Biography


The Man
- Has A Perfectly Quaffed Mullet That Defies Wind, Water, Gravity and Round-House Kicks.
- Avid Smoker. This Is A Key BadAss Trait. John McClane Smokes—I Rest My Case.
- Drives A Mercedes and Dresses Like He’s On MIAMI VICE.
- In College He Majored In Philosophy, In The Business World He Majors In Kicking Ass.
- Attracts Knife Fights Like Shit Attracts Flies.
- Gets Offered Pussy Like Tic-Taks.
- A Master Of The Art Of Half-Naked Tai Chi.

The Medical Dossier
- 31 Broken Bones
- 2 Bullet Wounds
- 9 Puncture Wounds
- 4 Stainless Steele Screws
- 9 Staples
- And Bi-Monthly Electrolysis Since 1970—Call It An Educated Guess.

The Philosopher
- “My Way—Or The Highway.”
- “It’ll Get Worse Before It Gets Better.”
- “ Nobody EVER Wins A Fight.”
- “ The Ones Who Go Looking For Trouble Are Not Much Of A Problem To Someone Who’s Ready For Them.”
- “Give Me The Biggest Guy In The World, You Smash His Knee, He’ll Drop Like A Stone.”
- “Pain Don’t Hurt.” (My Favorite)

The Known Weaknesses
- Doesn’t Fly—It’s Too Dangerous (I Assume That Means “For The Other Passengers”)
- Combat Knives
- Uber-Tan Bleached Blondes.
- And He Is Physically Unable To Wear A Shirt For Longer Than 5 Minutes Of Consecutive Screen-time.

The Legend

- He Once Ripped A Guys Throat Out In Memphis.
- Has Bawls Big Enough To Cum In A Dumpster. (Though you would think "Fill Up A Dumpster" Would Be Slightly More Impressive, As Pretty Much Any Size Testicles Should Be Efficient For Blowing A Load Into A Giant Sized Container.)
- And You Fuck With Him And He’ll Seal Your Fate.
—-
Dalton packs his shit, er—belongings and drives down to Jasper to survey the scene. The Double Deuce turns out to not be just a clever name, it’s a real shithole. It’s like if you took the hick-bar from BLUES BROTHERS and added fist-fighting, drug-dealing and a shirtless dude dancing to Little Richard. Dalton gets himself an eyeful of primates, meets some of the crew (including the super annoying chick some of you may recognize from the Charles Bronson film, MURPHY’S LAW) and even meets an old friend, the late Jeff Healey playing pretty much himself, but named Cody instead of Jeff. Cody’s job throughout the movie appears to be playing classic 60’s rock tunes and telling other people how badass Dalton is—so he is extremely likable from the get-go. Dalton also meets the rest of the staff working at the Double D and over the next two nights shitcans most of them and effectively cleans up 90% of the bar’s troubles. But, causes some new ones for himself. Oh, the Drama!

Look at that monster...


The Deuce’s other issue is the rowdy clientele, and rest assured, Dalton has a plan:

The Three Rules To Effectively Flush Your Honky-Tonk Of Douchenozzels:
#1. Never Underestimate Your Opponent, Expect The Unexpected.
#2. Take It Outside. Never Start Anything Inside The Bar Unless It’s Absolutely Necessary.
#3. Be Nice—Until It’s Time To NOT Be Nice. And Only Dalton Knows When This Is.
(Thankfully for the sake of action, this ends up being once every 10 minutes)

And there you have it. Trust me, it sounds much less stupid and proves far more effective on film.


After Dalton’s FIGHT CLUB-esque delivery of his rhetoric, the club begins to magically get better. We know this because the chicken-wire surrounding the stage disappears, the group of 80’s hipsters from the Bandstand show up and they get a fancy new sign out front. But, all is not well in the land of loose women, cheep whiskey and white-boy blues…

As it turns out, in a strange, yet plot-developing coincidence, the bartender that Dalton fired for skimming tills turns out to be the nephew of Dalton’s peckerhead neighbor and local eccentric evil-rich guy, Brad Wesley. I’ll get to him in a minute, but first—It’s Dalton’s dance with death! The butt-hurt bartender returns to seek vengeance for losing his job and after informing us of who his uncle is, pulls a giant fucking Rambo knife on Dalton and even manages to break his skin with it, before receiving his (soon-to-be) daily-dose of Dalton ass-whopping. At this point in the movie, this is the 3rd time in less than an hour that Dalton’s life has been threatened with a knife fight and it appears as though the 3rd time truly is a charm, as Dalton actually has to seek medical attention afterwords. Cue teh Love Story.

Dalton sits (shirtless, of coarse) on an examining table and waits for Hottie-Doc, (played by Drugstore Cowgirl, Kelly Lynch) to administer witty dialogue and re-close his stomach without a local, ‘cuz—you know, “Pain Don’t Hurt”. As soon-to-be-revealed character Wade Garrett later says, “That gal’s got entirely too many brains to have an ass like that.” But we know that she is smart, because she wears a pair of comically large glasses and glasses add +1 intelligence. The spectacles get ditched after this scene though, traded in for a hoochie-skirt and glam-metal hairdo and I have to say, it’s a serious improvement.

OK, in order to tell these two apart, one of them is gonna have to wear a hat.


Anyways, Dalton’s braising machismo and rock-hard 6-pack end up enticing Hottie-Doc to eventually date him and follow him around the third act disapproving of everything he does that initially turned her on about him. You know, normal girlfriend shit. But she does show her titties after he bangs her against a cobble-stone fireplace, so at least the guys have that going for us.

In an even more coincidental piece of plot development, it turns out that the local car-part store owner that Dalton befriends is ALSO Hottie-Doc’s uncle, whom is being extorted (along with the rest of the town) by the same eccentric evil-rich guy that is plaguing the staff of the Deuce! WHO ALSO TURNS OUT TO HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HOTTIE-DOC!!! We have come full circle. Ben Gazzara plays Brad Wesley and is arguably one of the greatest unintentionally funny, yet still awesome bad-guys of the 1980’s. And I’m talkin’ THE KARATE KID, PART III’s Terry Silver kind-of awfully-awesome. Yeah—they ain’t fucking around, it’s 1980 Mutha Fuckin’ 9 in dis ROAD HOUSE!

Wesley throws lavish sexy-parties, drives with complete disregard for other’s safety, extorts the poor townsfolk, beats his sex slave and employs no less than 7 monster-truck driving needle-dick thugs, which even HE kicks the shit out of. In one of his best scenes, Wesley berates his goons for failing to kick Swayze’s ass and picks one seemingly at random to blame. His lackeys disgust him, because (and I’m paraphrasing here) they are “bleeders—messy bleeders” and to correct this he beats them about the face, making them bleed their disgusting blood and performing his knee-to-groin technique of tough love. That’ll learn him.


You almost feel sorry for the guy Wesley destroys as it wasn’t really his fault they failed. The group sent to beat the shit outta Dalton was winning until Wade Garrett showed up. Just who IS Wade Garrett you ask? Well, he happens to be THE BEST Cooler in the business. He also happens to be played by Sam ‘Mutha Fuckin’ Elliott. Garrett is Dalton’s Obi’Wan parental/teacher figure (sadly, we all know what that means) and clearly taught him everything he knows, including the fine art of Dick Punching—which he proudly uses to rescue Dalton. It’s truly a winning technique. The film can already hardly contain the awesomeness that is Sway-Dog and throwing Sam Elliott into the mix pretty much overloads it.


It is through Garrett that we learn the only slight hint of Dalton’s past. All of Dalton’s pacifism preaching and lack of interest in bar-fly chicks is due to a grisly past event where he was sleeping with some woman in Memphis whom neglected to tell him had a psycho-jealous gun-wielding husband and as Garrett puts it, “A man puts a gun in yer face, you got two choices—stand there ‘n die or kill the motherfucker!” Well, Dalton “…kill the motherfucker!” by tearing out his throat. And essentially, what more do you need to know about a guy after that?

There is one last piece to this shattered beer-glass of a film that has yet to be dug out-of the face of a blind blues singer and that is Jimmy. Or as I like to call him, Jimmy The Queer. The Darth Vader to Wesley’s Emperor—if Darth Vader were gay and knew kung-fu. Which as a side thought, would have been Fucking Awesome! I digress. Jimmy is the pay-off bad guy, as Wesley’s demise has more than just Dalton’s inner piece at stake. So knowing this, the filmmakers give us a man that can fight Dalton and actually stand a chance. He even looks like Dalton‘s Evil Twin. Dalton has a straight blonde-colored mullet, Jimmy has a curly brunette one. Dalton has an allergy to wearing shirts, Jimmy wears his with only the bottom button closed. Dalton has Hottie-Doc, Jimmy has gay shark-tooth necklace—OK, I don’t really get that one either, but the point is, these two were born to do battle with one another.

~Would you really want to — Hurt — Me!~


It all goes down at night, right after Jimmy blows up Dalton’s friend’s house and it becomes apparent that the time to NOT be nice is upon us. A laughing Jimmy is tackled by a shirtless (of course) Dalton off of his motor bike and onto a patch of sand down by the river. The fight that ensues is one of the most fantastic and homoerotic showdowns in BadAss Cinema. The two punch and round-house one another for 3 minutes and Jimmy’s true nature for all his pent-up rage is unveiled as he drops his famous one-liner: “I used to Fuck guys like you back in prison!” Yikes. Dalton prevails though by using his cunning cat-like kung-fu, crunching Jimmy’s split legs against a tree and crushing his testicles like fortune cookies with an upper-cut dick-punch he learned from his Miho. This clearly signifies Dalton as the winner—but not so fast! Jimmy The Queer is a coward and pulls a gun. Apparently guns have the same effect on Dalton that red capes have on bulls, ‘cuz Dalton’s nose flares as he kicks the gun out of Jimmy’s hand, rushes him and using an eagle-claw hand maneuver—RIPS OUT HIS FUCKING THROAT, KICKS HIM INTO THE LAKE AND SCREAMS IN BLOODLUST: “WESLEY—WESLEY, FUCK YOU!!!”

---

Last edited by Rant; 02-10-2009 at 11:53 PM..
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  #2  
Old 02-10-2009, 11:23 PM
Continued


Holy Shit. Up until this point the film had been a page out of Mr. Miyagi’s guide to pacifism defense-only karate book and all-of-a-sudden Dalton goes off the fucking grid. The ramifications of which spread farther than Dalton taking another life, fucking up his karma and losing Hottie-Doc’s respect, as Wesley has just lost his favorite boy-toy and retaliates with the fury of angry midget filled tornado.

Dalton decides to leave town with Wade and forsake all his new-found friends, that is until the phone call. Wesley gives Dalton an ultimatum, choose who must die: Garrett or the girl friend that dumped him. Dalton refuses to choose and Wesley flips a coin sealing the fate of one unlucky supporting cast member. Dalton leaves Garrett at the Deuce and books it to the hospital where upon finding Hottie-Doc alive and bitchy, decides that Wesley was bluffing and heads back to the Deuce to pick up Wade and drive off into the sunset. And of course in his absence, Garrett has been stabbed through the heart with a commando knife and a note pinned to his corpse reads: “It Was Tails”. At this point, any thoughts Dalton had about regaining his pacifistic ways is thrown out the window of his speeding Mercedes as it flies through the air in a giant fireball through Wesley’s front yard. Wesley was anticipating Dalton’s wrath and set up all his goons with shotguns and uzis, but Dalton anticipated Wesley’s anticipation and cleverly ninjas his way into the compound effectively taking out all of Wesley’s men, at least two of them permanently.

The showdown has commeth. Stalking through Wesley’s room of safari death, Dalton hides as Wesley enters the room and delivers THE gayest line in the movie: “I see you’ve found my trophy room Dalton—the only thing that’s missing—is your ass.” And I didn’t think you could out-gay the prison fucking line, but kudos to the screenwriter. He proceeds to insult Dalton’s memory of Wade and THEN tries and bribe him! The last desperate act of a desperate man. Finally, the fight breaks out and it is super unfair as Dalton has been beaten and shot. I mean COME ON, maybe if Dalton has lost a leg or two, Wesley could have stood a chance, but no way could that believable happen. Dalton whips his ass and for some reason or another Hottie-Doc shows up just in time to watch Dalton finally repent his throat-ripping ways in giving the old man mercy. But this is the eighties so, of course, Wesley pulls a gun and in the craziest turn of events is riddled with off-screen fired buckshot by all the key members of the pissed off townsfolk. I swear man, Wesley’s button-down shirt must have been made of Kevlar as it takes them four, got that FOUR! rounds of shotgun blasts to bring the bastard down. A grizzly bear hopped up on pcp would have gone done quicker! But, it’s probably for the best that Wesley finally crapped out as he was bleeding everywhere and as we well know, Wesley despises bleeders.

It is at this point that the police whom have mysteriously been missing the ENTIRE film decide to finally show up. They ask a total of one question about the multiple murders and town wide extortion conspiracy before giving up on the investigation. But don’t worry about Dalton having to answer to any of the murders as all the townsfolk cover each others asses and claim to not have seen who Peter Wellered Wesley. And the big payoff for evil being punished? You get to see Dalton’s dick as he runs and jumps into the filthy river outside his house to fuck it out in front of his neighbor with Hottie-Doc, whom I guess changed her mind about being pissed at Dalton. Women… Also, I think if you look closely you can actually see the body of Jimmy The Queer still floating in the background. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is ROAD HOUSE.


[Bloodshed, Destruction and Chaos] Body Bags Filled: 5 Fo Sho, 2 Potential
Like a beer fresh from the tap, this film is filled to the brim. As this film is a bar movie, we get to see no less than 8 bar-fights, including at least 5 featuring knives, many featuring multiple smashed tables, one with pool cues and all featuring more shattered glass than a recycling depot.

But the fun doesn’t stop on the dance floor! We also get to see an auto parts store explode, a monster-truck drive through a car dealership, a house explode—three times (why? ‘Cuz it’s Awesome!), a Mercedes explode and Dalton kill two guys with a knife. This film is a fucking action classic.

[Chesticles and Testicles]
As I mentioned above, Swayze is at least half naked for 75% of the film, but the filmmakers decided to also entertain the straight guys in the audience (all two of them) with some gloriously gratuitous frontal female nudity. There has to be at least 6 or 7 different topless ladies peppered throughout the film including Kelly Lynch, so if you do the math, that means basically every time you aren’t watching a bar-fight, you are seeing some T&A. This movie is PURE entertainment gold.

[Epic Moment and Best One-Liner]
Many would claim the throat rip to be the defining moment of badassery in the film, but I have to go with Wesley’s demise. I mean the guy takes an ass whipping from Dalton, survives and goes on to take 4 direct shotgun blasts before flying backward into a glass coffee table. That little mother fucker was made of concrete and Chuck Norris facial hair.

As for the one-liner, this movie has a fucking TON, but I guess my favorite would still have to be “Pain Don’t Hurt.” It says so much about the character and film in only three monosyllabic words.

[Da Whole Business]
A lot of powerful ingredients went into making this epic piece of action cinema and I’d like to take a minute to give credit where it is due. First off, this film is produced by Joel Silver, the Zeus of Mount BadAssCinema. I honestly can’t think of a single action film he has had his mark on that didn’t entertain the shit outta me. The next is the screenwriter, David Lee Henry. The entire time I was watching the film for this review, I just kept thinking—This is a Fucking Steven Seagal Movie! You’ve got the pacifist Zen-Buddha-Tai-Chi martial artist with goofy hair, the non-stop self-servicing dialogue and the crazy glass-shattering bar fighting—I mean it just screams SEAGAL! And as it turns out, it was for a good reason. In the Kevin Smith commentary, (yes, the Deluxe DVD has a Kevin Smith commentary) he dishes out facts about the film and one of them states that the screenwriter later went on to pen OUT FOR JUSTICE, arguably THE best Steven Seagal film.

Another thing I really enjoyed was the soundtrack. Normally, I hate music and who can blame me? Music sucks 99% of the time. But in a rare turn of events this film happened to feature a bunch of songs that I actually enjoy: Long Tall Sally, Sh-Boom, Runaround Sue and Mustang Sally. So, that was awesome.

In closing, I’d like to say given the choice I wouldn’t have named this film ROAD HOUSE, I would have picked a title more akin to the main character, I would have called it:

ENTER THE DALTON
It’s Last Call For Knife Fights and Dick Punches


The film is like a modern day (and by that I mean 80’s modern) western and it follows a lone hero that combines Eastern Philosophy and Martial Arts with a Western Setting and Hairstyle. It might not strike a cord with critics the way that MAGNIFICENT SEVEN or FISTFUL OF DOLLARS did, but I still think that it has a more dedicated and vocal fan base then most other combinations of East and West action. And in the end, that’s what really madders.

Oh yeah, this film also has a cameo by Keith David, so +10 awesome points there. Cheers, Bitches.

9 outta 10
If you’re not drinking, you’re outta here!

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  #3  
Old 02-11-2009, 02:31 PM
I gotta say Rant, this is the best review you've written by far.

Roadhouse is a flick that never ceases in making me want to flex my flabby ass muscles while nailing a chick from behind. Its Probably numero uno is badass guy flicks right behind the underrated masterpiece of macheesmo Ramob 3.

8/10
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  #4  
Old 02-13-2009, 02:18 PM
Road House is the shit, I love this movie
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  #5  
Old 02-13-2009, 06:55 PM
Some of the worst dialogue and stupidity ever put into a movie.

"Prepare to die!"

lol
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  #6  
Old 02-13-2009, 08:37 PM
this is a great thread! i've seen this movie many times due to the fact of it's great cheeziness.

a little Transformers trivia: Chris Latta(Starscream - 80's cartoon) and Keith David(Barricade in TF movie video game) are both in this film.
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  #7  
Old 02-14-2009, 12:53 AM
great review rant. informative and entertaining!

joblo should put you on the payroll
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  #8  
Old 02-14-2009, 08:40 AM
Roadhouse is a fun movie but there's something that irks me about the movie everytime I watch it. Maybe it's the "girly" way Patrick Swayze fights Jimmy that reminds me too much of Dirty Dancing . . . maybe it's the line "I don't fly . . . too dangerous" that is way too retarded, or maybe it's the dumbass bad guys that Dalton fights over and over again. Okay, probably not that last one. But Sam Houston kicks ass, and the blonde stripping is hot as hell.
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  #9  
Old 02-14-2009, 09:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigred760 View Post
Roadhouse is a fun movie but there's something that irks me about the movie everytime I watch it. Maybe it's the "girly" way Patrick Swayze fights Jimmy that reminds me too much of Dirty Dancing . . . maybe it's the line "I don't fly . . . too dangerous" that is way too retarded, or maybe it's the dumbass bad guys that Dalton fights over and over again. Okay, probably not that last one. But Sam Houston kicks ass, and the blonde stripping is hot as hell.
Sam Houston? don't you mean Sam Elliot?
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  #10  
Old 02-14-2009, 10:09 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by g05 View Post
Sam Houston? don't you mean Sam Elliot?
Him too.
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  #11  
Old 02-14-2009, 05:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigred760 View Post
Roadhouse is a fun movie but there's something that irks me about the movie everytime I watch it. Maybe it's the "girly" way Patrick Swayze fights Jimmy that reminds me too much of Dirty Dancing . . . maybe it's the line "I don't fly . . . too dangerous" that is way too retarded, or maybe it's the dumbass bad guys that Dalton fights over and over again. Okay, probably not that last one. But Sam Elliot kicks ass, and the blonde stripping is hot as hell.
You know I wouldn't have agreed with you about a month or so ago but after seeing this movie multiple times again thanks to AMC..I am now 100% in agreement with you....The only thing that amazes me now about Roadhouse is that people actually used to think mullets looked good
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  #12  
Old 02-18-2009, 07:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by poopontheshoes7 View Post
I gotta say Rant, this is the best review you've written by far.

Roadhouse is a flick that never ceases in making me want to flex my flabby ass muscles while nailing a chick from behind. Its Probably numero uno is badass guy flicks right behind the underrated masterpiece of macheesmo Ramob 3.

8/10
You are kind. Notice I did not say TOO kind, as I love to here admiration for my "work".

Quote:
Originally Posted by g05 View Post
this is a great thread! i've seen this movie many times due to the fact of it's great cheeziness.

a little Transformers trivia: Chris Latta(Starscream - 80's cartoon) and Keith David(Barricade in TF movie video game) are both in this film.
Thank you. And I did not know that that guy was Starscream, that adds a little extra shredded cheese to this dish.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jbar1026 View Post
great review rant. informative and entertaining!

joblo should put you on the payroll
Fuckin-A! Though I don't write in the style that they keep on this site, It would be awesome to get paid for this shit. I am NOT above whoring myself out. And thanks for the praise.
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  #13  
Old 02-18-2009, 07:41 PM
Pretty epic review, man. Keep up the good work.
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