#1  
Old 06-30-2009, 03:08 AM
OK Men, Help Each Other Out.


Now that we have this badass forum, we need to have fun with it, but we need to use it for some serious issues as well. I have one that I am sure all males have. I am of course talking about those times where you see the woman of your dreams for the first time, or you are just in public, or you are in class, or at work, or some other situation, and, your testicles start itching, get stuck in an awkward spot, or just need some adjusting. What are your secrets to fixing this problem that affects millions of males each day.

The Pocket Method- OK, not really as sly as many think it is, but it beats sitting their grabbing yourself for 20 minutes trying to detach yourself from your leg.

The Empty Aisle Method- This is for the store when you need to get away to free the boys, you go to the empty aisle and get them comfortable again

The Cooler Method- Working at the meat department, this is a life saver. Go back to the meat cooler where there is no camera, no people, no nothing. It truly makes your day easier.

The "Look Ma! No Hands!" Method- Use your thighs to try and get them out of an awkward spot on those hot days when your boys seem to want to stick to whatever they can get a grip on. Not really sly either, but again, beats the alternative.

In the end, just help each other out. This is a serious issue.
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  #2  
Old 06-30-2009, 07:17 AM
I just do what needs to be done and if someone give me a weird look, a knowing, "Sorry." I've been known to pull the waist open with one hand and dive in with the other, but usually I just take the pulling a wedgie approach.
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  #3  
Old 06-30-2009, 07:25 AM
I find that loudly announcing my intentions will give me all the privacy I need if I am in a public place.

Hey, see when you were a wee person, did you ever worry that they would get twisted around one another like a conker fight gone wrong?
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  #4  
Old 06-30-2009, 07:53 AM
Nice nuts. Manly men are expected to adjust regardless of where they are or who is near them.
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  #5  
Old 06-30-2009, 08:04 AM
I make all the necessary adjustments before I go out


_______________
Richard B Riddick: "You made three mistakes. First, you took the job. Second, you came light.
A four man crew for me? Fucking insulting. But the worst mistake you made......empty gun rack."
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  #6  
Old 06-30-2009, 08:33 AM
Well, there have been times I've utilized the squatting technique as if I'm tying my shoes or something of the sort.
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  #7  
Old 06-30-2009, 08:36 AM
I sat down too fast at work once a few months ago. Sat on my sac. It's happened before (and most likely to every guy) except this time it was different. I had instant pain. Pain that lasted. I immediately thought "torsion", since I read about it on Wikipedia once, and called the doctor immediately and set up an appointment. He checked me out and said it wasnt torsion and wasnt sure what it was. I had an ultrasound done the next day to check for lumps or masses cause we thought for a bit it was cancer and thankfully it wasnt. I forget the exact name of it but it turns out that when I sat on myself, I trigged this area that lies on top of the testicle and stores sperm to become enflamed and painful. The doc gave me some anti-biotics and some pain killers and after a few days the pain went away. Every now and then it'll still hurt for a bit (a painful throbbing) but its nothing like it was those first few days.


Long story short, watch how you sit down because you can do some serious damage.
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  #8  
Old 06-30-2009, 08:50 AM
Is anyone else scared they will sit on a toilet where the seat is loose and the seat will shift to the side and their sack will get pinched between the bowl and the seat?
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  #9  
Old 06-30-2009, 08:57 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BubbaStrangelove View Post
Is anyone else scared they will sit on a toilet where the seat is loose and the seat will shift to the side and their sack will get pinched between the bowl and the seat?
Now I am.
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  #10  
Old 06-30-2009, 09:12 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reigh Kaufman View Post
Now I am.
Yeah. Thanks Bubba. I've been scared enough ever since just sitting on myself. Now I gotta worry about fucking toilet seats as well?!
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  #11  
Old 06-30-2009, 09:17 AM
I had a friend who just didn't care. No matter where he was he would scratch or adjust to his liking. The worst instance was in front of a library. We were chatting away and all of a sudden he began scratching away. Some little kids were nearby. Their adult looked horrified.
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  #12  
Old 06-30-2009, 11:08 AM
Yeah, I adjust myself in public-- I really don't give a damn. Sometimes I find myself adjusting when I don't need to, it has just become a habit.

My cousin does the same, but he annouces whenever he's doing it to everyone within a ten meter radius-- just so they'll turn their heads and catch him in the act.

By the way, Bubba has given me a new phobia. Squeezinscrotumtioletflapdephobia.

Last edited by FireCaptain4; 06-30-2009 at 11:15 AM..
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  #13  
Old 06-30-2009, 12:21 PM
Bubba, be prepared. There is a little something called the "Toilet seat injury": http://www.umm.edu/ency/article/000044.htm
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  #14  
Old 06-30-2009, 12:29 PM
I'm prone to go with the pocket and empty aisle method, just in case. Otherwise, I just go to the bathroom.
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  #15  
Old 06-30-2009, 01:34 PM
I just say "Hand on a sec, I need to rearrange some furniture." Turn around and get it over with.
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  #16  
Old 06-30-2009, 02:18 PM
God dammit Bubba. I now have a new thing to fear whenever I go to the bathroom. Not to mention snakes popping out of the bowl.
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  #17  
Old 06-30-2009, 02:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by zombievictim View Post
Not to mention snakes popping out of the bowl.
Oh goddamn it.
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  #18  
Old 06-30-2009, 03:32 PM
On the street I usually do the Superman Method. I use a phone booth.
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  #19  
Old 07-01-2009, 01:21 AM
Generally, I'll do the No Hands method by shaking and pretend to scratch my thigh. Otherwise, when I have a moment when no one is looking, I'll do what I have to do to make myself comfy.

Boners on the other hand...
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  #20  
Old 07-01-2009, 02:09 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by drc5145 View Post
Generally, I'll do the No Hands method by shaking and pretend to scratch my thigh. Otherwise, when I have a moment when no one is looking, I'll do what I have to do to make myself comfy.

Boners on the other hand...
Superbad talked about the method I use for when Mr. Willy wakes up, the wasteband.
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  #21  
Old 07-01-2009, 02:22 AM
I have this unique technique where I keep my legs slightly spread apart and have my boner suspended in mid-air (underneath my pants, of course). The key is to keep still and make sure your boner doesn't touch the wall of your pants. You can do this both sitting and standing - standing is even better because you can take baby steps to walk the boner off.
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  #22  
Old 07-01-2009, 04:34 AM
LMAO at this thread!
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  #23  
Old 07-01-2009, 04:40 AM
What I hate is when it's hot as fuck and your underwear gets all twisted, That shits uncomfortable.
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  #24  
Old 07-01-2009, 05:13 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jackson13 View Post
I sat down too fast at work once a few months ago. Sat on my sac. It's happened before (and most likely to every guy) except this time it was different. I had instant pain. Pain that lasted. I immediately thought "torsion", since I read about it on Wikipedia once, and called the doctor immediately and set up an appointment. He checked me out and said it wasnt torsion and wasnt sure what it was. I had an ultrasound done the next day to check for lumps or masses cause we thought for a bit it was cancer and thankfully it wasnt. I forget the exact name of it but it turns out that when I sat on myself, I trigged this area that lies on top of the testicle and stores sperm to become enflamed and painful. The doc gave me some anti-biotics and some pain killers and after a few days the pain went away.


By chance, did your pain include a burning sensation?

I, like every guy, have had my balls hit before. And, like everyone else, the primary pain is that dull but intense ache that occurs in your lower abdomen region after getting struck there. Recently, though, while playing basketball, I was struck and the pain was immediate. And instead of a stomach-like pain, it was directly in the testicles. It felt like they were on FIRE, and it felt like that for a good 5 minutes or so. I was completely debilitated. And the thing is, I didn't get that stomach pain that comes after, it was just that initial, fiery pain. Is this what happened to you?

And if anyone else knows what or why that happened, please enlighten me. I didn't think it was serious enough to make a doctor's visit. But holy moly, it hurt.
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  #25  
Old 07-01-2009, 10:17 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RicochetShaw View Post
By chance, did your pain include a burning sensation?
Nope. Just pain. Like someone was slowly and methodically squeezing.......
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  #26  
Old 07-01-2009, 10:59 AM
I just fix myself and go on with the rest of my day. Bystanders will get over it if they even catch it(it's like a microsecond move), it's not exactly picking your nose. If I have a boner I put it in my waistband until it dissipates.
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  #27  
Old 07-01-2009, 02:25 PM
Well, now that everyone else's cat is out of the bag...


I'll occasionally do the "pinch and pry method" if I'm sitting down somewhere. Pinch the skin of the sack and pry it from the leg. I don't care who sees me. Painless and relaxing.

If it's an itch. Defcon 5 mode happens. That shit gets taken care of regardless of where I'm at. I'll scratch and pinch till it goes away.


As far as boners go...luckily, I put my wallet (it's a bad motherfucker....seriously...it's THAT wallet) in my front pocket and my wallet is usually pretty bulging anyways (not Costanza bulging, but pretty big)...so that hides it abit. Otherwise, I just say I have a large member of the family.
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  #28  
Old 07-01-2009, 02:29 PM
So wait... your wallet looks like a wiener?

Or maybe your wiener looks like a wallet?
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  #29  
Old 07-01-2009, 02:38 PM
No, no, no...the wallet is big and bulky so it bulges the pant pocket size outward. Fill in the rest.

I am not a freak of nature.
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  #30  
Old 07-01-2009, 03:00 PM
Wait. So penis shaped wallets aren't normal?
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  #31  
Old 07-01-2009, 03:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by zombievictim View Post
Wait. So penis shaped wallets aren't normal?
It depends, does yours have slots for credit cards?
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