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Old 10-05-2011, 04:25 AM
Rank the Jaws Series

Jaws (1975): The peaceful community of Amity Island finds themselves in dire straits, when a giant 25-foot great white shark has decided to take up residency and starts to dine on unsuspecting bathers. Police Chief Brody (Roy Scheider) decides to close the beaches in order to protect the townspeople, but under orders from the greedy, dumbass town's mayor (Murrary Hamilton and his brilliant anchor suit, god I want one of those!!!) the beaches remain open in order to further the town's summer tourist revenue. Meanwhile, Brody receives assistance from yuppie oceanographer Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss), who concludes that a giant shark is loose in Amity's waters, and demands the beaches to be shut down. When the shark kills a fisherman and almost Brody's son, Brody, Hooper, and with the help of drunk, sea dog fisherman Quint (Robert Shaw) decide to hunt and kill the shark. Steven Speilberg's classic horror/adventure tale has lost none of it's terror or "bite," over the years. Jaws remains one of the most terrifying movies of the last 40 years. It appeals to the fear in every human being, the fear of the unknown. We all have gone swimming before, and we all have wondered just what could be lurking below. Spielberg wisely decides to use the shark very briefly; the shark was infamous for not working, but instead relies on Hitchcockian techniques to make the fear more impactful. The opening sequence is a perfect example. That once the shark is finally revealed it is quite the entrance. Some people over the years have complained the shark looks fake. Fake or not, I for one wouldn't want to be in the water with that motherfucker!!!! What also makes Jaws a stand-out film are the performances from the film's three lead actors. Scheider, Dreyfuss, and especially Shaw are all brilliant in their respective roles; Shaw's speech about the U.S.S. Indiananapolis still sends chills down my spine. While the later sequels have some what tarnished the original's impact, none the less Jaws remains one of the most suspenseful and terrifying motion pictures ever made.

2. Jaws 2 (1978): It's been a few years since the nightmare of the first film, when wouldn't you know it another great white shark has wandered into the waters of Amity Island yet again. Police Chief Brody suspects another shark is back, when two boaters go missing and a giant killer whale with chunks taken out of it, washes up on the beach. He tries to convince the townspeople yet again, but his pleas fall on deaf ears. Becoming more obsessive with trying to stop this shark this time around, Brody is fired from his job when he open fires on a public beach, believing the shark was circling the swimmers. Now the shark has turned its attention on a bunch of day sailing teenagers; two of them are Brody's sons, and begins to hunt and eventually marooning the sailing party. It's up to Brody to once again face his fear and combat the shark. Plausible second entry, suffers from showing way too much of shark too early and often. Also, why won't these idiots listen to Chief Brody, if he thinks that a shark is out there again, you think that these morons would believe him, being that the town has gone through this crisis before. The shark looks a tab more rubber this time around, and is even given a facial, when its burned during one of its attacks. The entire attack sequences on the teenagers are the film's best scenes. With the shark becoming almost stalker-esque during the entire ordeal. It can be argued that the whole sequel plays as a "slasher" movie in some aspects. However, Dreyfuss and Shaw's characters are sorely missed during the land scenes. Not a bad sequel, in fact fairly entertaining in most respects, just mediocre and uneccesary. Plus, it has the task of trying to compete with the original, and that is no easy feat.

3. Jaws 3-D (1983): The shark has now turned it's attention to Sea World, when's it offspring carelessly wanders into the park and is captured and eventually dies. It's 35-foot mother, doesn't think too highly of this and starts to munch on unsuspecting tourists. Boring and pointless third movie suffers from horrendously bad effects. The shark looks like a bloated gray turd in most sequences. Terrible 3D gimmicks, the glory shot being when the shark attacks the underwater control room, and the reaction shots of the actors as the extremely fake looking shark gradually closes in. Plus, the director Joe Alves seems more precoccupied with shooting a fucking Sea World commercial than a movie. Seriously how many times are we going to see those stupid dolphins do tricks, or watch those idiot water skiers, we get it alreadly, stop ramming it down our throats. Oh, by the way how in the fuck does no one notice a giant 35-foot great white shark is loose in the theme park, you would have thought at least someone would have caught at least a glimpse of a fin in the water. Dennis Quaid, Louis Gossett, Jr. and Lea Thompson are just some of the actors on hand to embarrass themselves in this pile of dogshit.

4. Jaws: The Revenge (1987): Chief Brody's wife Ellen Brody; now a widow, believes that a shark, who is the offspring of the previous sharks in the past films may in fact be stalking her family. Her beliefs are answered when her youngest son Sean is attacked and killed off the waters of Amity. She retreats to the Bahamas, with her oldest son Michael, to grieve over their loss, but wouldn't you know it that pesky shark has followed them with a giant score to settle. Extremely laughable and horrible fourth film, suffers from some of the most illogical plot points ever to grace a movie screen. It seems that great white sharks can now hold a personal grudge against humans, also they can travel half way across the world in just a matter of days. Let me ask you a question, did this shark take a first class airline ticket to the Bahamas, because man that fucker arrived their rather quickly. How does Ellen Brody have flashbacks of events that she wasn't even present for. Apparently when you dive into the ocean, you resurface with your clothes bone dry. The less said about the shark effects, the better, but the shark in this one looks like a child's bath toy, with lion-roaring vocal chords. Just plain awful in every aspect, words just cannot does this movie justice alone; it really is that fucking bad, but yet, it's painfully watchable (??) Why, I still haven't figured it out after all these years. Maybe people just feel better about themselves after watching this piece of shit, and realize that maybe their lives aren't so bad after all. Lorraine Gary, Mario Van Peebles (complete with an awful faux-Jamaican accent,) Lance Guest, and of course the infamous Michael Caine are all on hand to embarrass themselves, and believe me they deliver in spades!!!!! You think Troll 2 is bad, well you haven't lived until you've seen Jaws: The Revenge.

Last edited by poguesfan; 10-10-2011 at 03:29 AM..
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