Thriller/Mystery......

[Funk-Monkey]

intro has been rewritten and posted further down below.

[Avner]

Some things I noted:

1) Whenever a character is not onscreen, talking on a phone or such, always use (O.S).

ANSWERING MACHINE (O.S)
Hello, you have reached the
Johnson's. Sorry no one is here to
take your call. Please leave a
message and have a blessed day.

Also, it would be a good idea to intoduce Jimmy's father early on, like thus:

JIMMY JOHNSON, late 20's, athletic build, dries his wet
hands against his dirty apron. He's on a pay phone waiting
for an answer.

JIMMY
Come on...pick up.

*insert name here*, Jimmy's father on an answering machine is heard.

*insert name here* (O.S)
Hello, you have reached the
Johnson's. Sorry no one is here to
take your call. Please leave a
message and have a blessed day.

2) If Briggs is dying, how can yell? It doesn't make sense.

3) The dialgoue seems awkward. Say the lines outloud. Usually you'll catch mishaps almost immediately.

4) Also:

JIMMY
Hey, pop, it's me. I just thought
I'd call again...it's like my fifth
time this week and I still haven't
heard back from you.... anyway.
I hope everything is
alright...call me back soon as you
get this.


A GROUP OF SOLDIERS

enter before Jimmy can gather his
thoughts. They debate back and forth - poker is the topic.
One of the soldiers yell from a distance to Jimmy.

I'll get to the rest later.

[Pain In Da Azz]

Originally posted by Avner
2) If Briggs is dying, how can yell? It doesn't make sense.

what i got from the scene was that Jimmy was halleucinating or having a nightmare where he sees Briggs say "I'm about to die", tells him why and then slashes his own throat.

A few minutes later Briggs comes in with his friends and asks him what the fuck are you doing on the floor basically.

if its a nightmare or halleucination it doesnt matter if he's dying. i actually invisioned him already dead while he was talking the first time based on the way he described him (pale, feverish, strung out looking, with a bleeding gash on his throat, etc.)

my 2cents

[Ares2907]

I have enough time for the basics. Will have a go at content later if no one else has beaten me to the punch.

Your descriptions need work. They're redundant in places, contradictory in others.

Leaves and dust blow through the rain

Leaves, maybe. Dust - I think not. I haven't finished reading the first paragraph and already you've jarred me out of the reading experience. If you're making this sort of error in paragraph one, any reader worth their salt is looking for one, maybe two more reasons to shitcan your script. It doesn't take much.

You have a bunch of tells in here as well.

He's on a pay phone waiting for an answer.

How do you film that? It's redundant. It's not the only place you do it. We get that he's waiting from his dialogue. Don't write what you can't film, and don't write what is already obvious / immediately becomes obvious through action. Whilst looking at this particular bit of script - don't write 'beat' where meaningful description would help more. If you're going to tell an actor how to do their job, it's better to 'suggest' rather than to outright patronise them.

How many is in a pack of soldiers? 52? 54 with jokers?
Write their dialogue. Keep it short, sure, but make it easy on the reader. They shouldn't have to come up with whatever the soldiers are bantering about - that's your job.

Don't use 'continuous' in a slug where it's clearly not continuous.

Your capitalisation is distracting and unnecessary. Why on earth would you capitalise 'SOBBING' - strikes me as a quiet thing. Why have you separated 'A GROUP OF MP'S' from the rest of the narrative?

That's about all I have time for.

[Funk-Monkey]

Originally posted by Ares2907
Your descriptions need work. They're redundant in places, contradictory in others.

Leaves, maybe. Dust - I think not. I haven't finished reading the first paragraph and already you've jarred me out of the reading experience. If you're making this sort of error in paragraph one, any reader worth their salt is looking for one, maybe two more reasons to shitcan your script. It doesn't take much.

thanx for the reply.

i got you now...i made that change. when you say the descriptions need work do you mean it needs more detail or it is not explained good enough visually? where is it contradictory?

You have a bunch of tells in here as well.

How do you film that? It's redundant. It's not the only place you do it. We get that he's waiting from his dialogue. Don't write what you can't film, and don't write what is already obvious / immediately becomes obvious through action. Whilst looking at this particular bit of script - don't write 'beat' where meaningful description would help more. If you're going to tell an actor how to do their job, it's better to 'suggest' rather than to outright patronise them.

thanks i didnt realize it stood out that much. you say i have a 'bunch' though? please point out one or two more because i'm really overlooking something.

How many is in a pack of soldiers? 52? 54 with jokers?
Write their dialogue. Keep it short, sure, but make it easy on the reader. They shouldn't have to come up with whatever the soldiers are bantering about - that's your job.

that crossed my mine but i was so stuck on trying to keep scenes short and brief i had left it out. you're right it does look better visually to write out the chatter.

Don't use 'continuous' in a slug where it's clearly not continuous.

could you point out if i have done this anywhere else? i THINK i got the part you were referring to but i use continous a lot and want to make sure i am not misusing it.

Your capitalisation is distracting and unnecessary. Why on earth would you capitalise 'SOBBING' - strikes me as a quiet thing. Why have you separated 'A GROUP OF MP'S' from the rest of the narrative?

i thought you need to capitalize for every sound that stands out? also i seperated "a group of mp's" because i visioned it as being different camera shot from a different angle. like, the shot before that is Jimmy on top of the guy hitting him and then the camera pulls back ans shows the same thing except it shows the MP's coming into frame without Jimmy seeing them and then them whacking him in the head. is this part not conveying that?

[Funk-Monkey]

Originally posted by Avner
Also, it would be a good idea to intoduce Jimmy's father early on, like thus:

JIMMY JOHNSON, late 20's, athletic build, dries his wet
hands against his dirty apron. He's on a pay phone waiting
for an answer.

JIMMY
Come on...pick up.

*insert name here*, Jimmy's father on an answering machine is heard.

*insert name here* (O.S)
Hello, you have reached the
Johnson's. Sorry no one is here to
take your call. Please leave a
message and have a blessed day.

hey thanks for the reply. i have a question about your suggestion though, wouldnt that be more 'telling' than 'showing' if i insert his dad's name in the action line and then replace it where the answering machine title in the charcter line? how's the audience supposed to know that's his father unless it is conveyed through dialogue or an action?

2) If Briggs is dying, how can yell? It doesn't make sense.

actually i wanted him to appear dead. jimmy was having a halleucinating vision when he saw him with his neck sliced. i adjusted that part to make more sense since you didnt get it.

i made some other minor changes, hopefully it is clear now.

[Ares2907]

when you say the descriptions need work do you mean it needs more detail or it is not explained good enough visually? where is it contradictory?

I mean you need to know how to paint a (moving) picture for the reader's mind's eye. Be specific, but succinct in setting the scene, then get into the action. Know where you can skip setting the scene entirely - often it's better just to get straight into the action. Fill the reader in on what they need to know as then need to know it.


re tells:

thanks i didnt realize it stood out that much. you say i have a 'bunch' though? please point out one or two more because i'm really overlooking something.

====
Some other tells/redundancy:
late fall season, __somewhere in Virginia__ (how do we know it's Virginia? Do we care?)
Five soldiers come inside __before Jimmy can gather his thoughts.__
They __debate back and forth and__ shove each other around playfully
__One of them yells out to Jimmy__
__Before he can get angry__, a man's sobbing echoes faintly in the darkness.
How can he still be alive?
The news hits Jimmy like a ton of bricks.
His jaw drops, __he's totally caught off guard__.

====
Redundancy
The soldiers stand there, debate louder instead of leaving. --Why? Is this important?


====
Run a spellchecker over your work. You also need to be more careful in how you craft your sentences. Near enough isn't nearly good enough in this game.
Spelling / Grammar / Choice of words
Decrepi(t/d)
Unifor(m/ed) --know the difference between these two.
'cling into' --awkward
'watching a game of Street Fighter' --What if your reader doesn't know street fighter?
'yell and instigate' --How can they be instigating it? It's already started, and it was instigated by your protagonist.

it does look better visually to write out the chatter

You still left the redundancy in.


re 'CONTINUOUS'

could you point out if i have done this anywhere else? i THINK i got the part you were referring to but i use continous a lot and want to make sure i am not misusing it.

Use 'continuous' where you want to make it absolutely clear that one scene follows another with literally no break in time. Personally I tend to use it where I'm suggesting the camera track from one scene to another (eg. moving from one room to another). Like any tool though, you need to know the appropriate place to put it in. Use it to make your writing clear, not because it's cool.

i thought you need to capitalize for every sound that stands out? also i seperated "a group of mp's" because i visioned it as being different camera shot from a different angle. like, the shot before that is Jimmy on top of the guy hitting him and then the camera pulls back ans shows the same thing except it shows the MP's coming into frame without Jimmy seeing them and then them whacking him in the head. is this part not conveying that?

No. It's VERY distracting to have EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO EMPHASISE put in CAPS. It's unnecessary and patronising. Use it sparingly - maybe two or three times in the entire script. Seriously. You shouldn't be putting unnecessary text anywhere in your script, so there should be no need to make the relevant bits stand out - it should all be relevant. You could lose all of the things you've capped and it would improve your script rather than the converse.

If you're shooting this yourself, you obviously have more freedom but it's still good to know how to put a spec together properly. Don't worry about calling shots. Just write the story. Write it clearly using specific actions. If you do that, the look and feel will take care of itself. Rather than capitalising the MP's, it should be sufficient to start a new paragraph. You don't need to be too heavy-handed. Use line-breaks and whitespace to make things clear that otherwise may not be.

[Funk-Monkey]

cool, thanks for the breakdown ares, i'll rework this and try to watch out for those things you mentioned.

[JAdamBrooks]

I'm currently writing two scripts and maybe they're garbage, but I like harsh criticism but not too harsh so I'll try to make it the way I'd like to hear it. I stopped reading after the soldiers did their poker talk. I'm in the military and an avid card player so I should be your main audience and I almost immediately lost interest. I don't know why, maybe it's just me being tired, but I thought I'd let you know that the poker talk part AT LEAST!!!! should be rewritten. I would actually make it a lot longer... when guys tlak about past hands they go into great detail about them... you should say something like... "Do you know the odds of you pulling out that ace? there was only 1 left in the deck.

[JAdamBrooks]

I'm currently writing two scripts and maybe they're garbage, but I like harsh criticism but not too harsh so I'll try to make it the way I'd like to hear it. I stopped reading after the soldiers did their poker talk. I'm in the military and an avid card player so I should be your main audience and I almost immediately lost interest. I don't know why, maybe it's just me being tired, but I thought I'd let you know that the poker talk part AT LEAST!!!! should be rewritten. I would actually make it a lot longer... when guys tlak about past hands they go into great detail about them... you should say something like... "Do you know the odds of you pulling out that ace? there was only 1 left in the deck... I basically had to call on odds alone. You shouldn't have even been in that hand, but that's why I get for being better then you...luck screws me every time." I say this mainly because poker players CAN NEVER let hands go that they should've won or even hands they got lucky and won so these guys dismissing it quickly stood out to me... Just for what it's worth... I'll let you read my opening few scenes and let you critique the hell out of it so that we'll be even cool? good luck.

[Ronaldinho]

A couple of notes.

There's some strength in this writing, but it's also got some major problems.

I knew from the first line of dialog that you had things to learn. Allow me to belabor a point.

Guy's on phone. Gets an answering machine. Unhappily leaves message, and calls right back.

A line like "C'mon, pick up" is totally redundant. It's obvious.

I don't know the point of the picture of him as a kid with his parents. Do you know anyone who carries around a picture of themselves with their parents? It's very false and device-y.

Next big problem, the dialog when he tells the soldiers what he just saw.

Let me ask you this:

Would ANY reasonable person say what Jimmy says after the soldiers were all laughing at him? Anyone? Jimmy is coming across like an idiot here because he's oblivious ot his circumstances. is that intentional?

I also don't erally buy the dialog with the doctor. He wouldn't be the one telling him he's being kicked out. The military doesn't work that way.

[Funk-Monkey]

thanx also ronaldinho. i've made a few adjustments in my opening and have addressed the things you pointed out. i kept the guy looking at the photo of his parents because in the next coupla scenes it turns out they are missing and i wanted to show sympathy for the character. a guy in the military told me he keeps a photo of his family with him under his hat so he can focus on other things than war when he goes to sleep at night.

also with the doctor scene i adjusted it to make it seem as if the doctor is giving him inside information and breaking the rules by telling Jimmy he is about to be discharged. here it is.....

[Funk-Monkey]

     FADE IN:



               EXT. MILITARY BASE - NIGHT

               A large military base. Several guards stand watch in key
               points. Leaves blow through the rain that comes down fast and
               hard - late fall season.



               INT. BARRACKS - NIGHT

               Lights out and all is quiet. A dozen metal beds are spread
               two feet apart with sleeping soldiers occupying each one.  

               JIMMY JOHNSON, late 20's, athlete's build, lies restless in
               his bed. He reaches under his mattress and grabs a cell
               phone, dials.

                                   ANSWERING MACHINE (O.S.)
                             (man's voice)
                         Hello, you have reached the
                         Johnson's, sorry no one is here to
                         take your call. Please leave a
                         message and have a blessed day.

                                   JIMMY
                             (into phone)
                         Hey, pop, it's me. Haven't heard
                         from you in a while, hope
                         everything is alright...call me
                         back soon.

               CLICK.

               He pulls out his wallet, gazes at a photo: a child version of
               himself being embraced by a man and woman - his parents.
               After a sigh, he stuffs it inside his t-shirt pocket, next to
               his heart. 

               Just as he closes his eyes, he's distracted by a man's
               sobbing. He sits up and sees in the next bed over...

               A SOLDIER

               Slumped over in his bed, he writes something on the floor in
               BLOOD. He eyes Jimmy with a demented smile, his dog tag says
               BRIGGS.

                                   JIMMY (CONT'D)
                         Briggs? What the hell?

               The pale soldier looks feverish and strung out, like he's
               dead. He holds a long ARMY KNIFE in his opposite hand, sits
               upright and looks at what he's written. It reads: SINNER. 

               He lifts his head just high enough to expose a bleeding gash
               across his throat. How can he still be alive?

                                   BRIGGS
                         I'm about to die.

                                   JIMMY
                         What are you sayin' man? It's not
                         too late...just hand me the knife --

                                   BRIGGS
                         That bastard lied...he said he was
                         clean!

                                   JIMMY
                         Listen, just put down the knife
                         Briggs... 

               Briggs looks down at his crotch.

                                   BRIGGS
                         I ain't dying over no fuckin'
                         disease!

               Jimmy holds his hands out in sincerity.

                                   JIMMY
                         Look....Briggs...there's still
                         hope...

                                   BRIGGS 
                         No! He's coming for me!

                                   JIMMY
                         Who's comin' for you? Look, just
                         hand me the --

               Briggs stands, points his bloody knife at the entrance.

               Jimmy hears the GROANS of something evil before he turns and
               sees...

               A DARK FIGURE

               about eight feet tall, dressed in a dingy black cloak and a
               hood that covers its face. It doesn't move an inch.

               Jimmy's face fills with terror as Briggs slashes his own
               throat and falls into him.

                                   JIMMY (CONT'D)
                         Noooooo!

               Blood smears all over Jimmy, he scrambles, flings Brigg's
               body from him. He falls to his knees. His scream echoes
               throughout the darkness until...

               THE LIGHTS TURN ON

               Every soldier in the barracks rush over and see Jimmy
               clenching his own throat.

               Jimmy comes to his senses, there's no blood on him, the
               shadowy figure is gone. 

               Briggs pushes his way through the crowd, not a scratch on
               him. 

                                   BRIGGS
                         Jesus...what happened Johnson?

                                   JIMMY
                         I just saw you commit suicide.

               The soldiers burst into a vicious laughter.

                                   BRIGGS
                             (laughing)
                         Maybe you should check back into
                         the looney bin Johnson, I'm fine. I
                         been on the can for the last thirty
                         minutes, why would I kill myself?

                                   JIMMY
                         You said you had caught some
                         disease...from a guy.

               The laughs come to a uniformed halt. A skinny soldier
               snickers.

                                   SKINNY SOLDIER
                         He's callin' you a goddamn faggot
                         Briggs!

               Briggs looks around him. His fellow soldiers stare, they
               accuse him with their eyes - he's suspect. He glares back at
               Jimmy.

                                   BRIGGS
                         That true, freak?

               Jimmy stands, starts to walk away from it all.

                                   JIMMY
                         I'm just telling you what I saw.

               In a split second, Briggs rushes into Jimmy full speed, they
               cling into an instant wrestling match. 

               The soldiers rally around them like watching a game of Street
               Fighter. 

               Jimmy forces himself on top of Briggs, cracks him in the face
               with several blows. Every strike twists Briggs' head in the
               opposite direction...until...

               A GROUP OF MP's

               Race behind Jimmy and WHACK him across the back of his head
               before he can turn around.

               Jimmy falls off of Briggs, slumps onto the floor.



               INT. MILITARY BASE, MENTAL THERAPY - MORNING

               A neat and spacious office decorated with various plaques,
               war photos, antique guns, etc. Everything looks untouched and
               polished.

               Jimmy lies on a leather couch, his attention on a spinning
               ceiling fan, lost in his thoughts.

               An educated looking DOCTOR in his 50's sits across from him,
               dressed in a designer sports coat and shirt - no tie. He
               takes notes as he speaks, doesn't look up.

                                   DOCTOR
                         What exactly was Briggs' reaction
                         when you told him what you had
                         seen?

                                   JIMMY
                         He was pissed.

                                   DOCTOR
                         How did the rest of the soldiers
                         respond?

                                   JIMMY 
                         Gus, what does this have to do with
                         my nightmares?

                                   DOCTOR
                         What exactly were you thinking at
                         the time of the incident?

                                   JIMMY
                         This is bullshit. I'm leaving.

               Jimmy stands. 

                                   DOCTOR
                         Go ahead. See how far you get.

               Jimmy looks over and sees two MP's with rifles outside the
               door. He sits back down. 

                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
                         How do you feel when the other
                         soldiers call you a freak?

                                   JIMMY
                         I got nothing else to say. You're
                         acting like you don't even know me.

               The doctor looks up, stops writing. Takes a deep breath.

                                   DOCTOR 
                         Private Briggs killed himself the
                         next day, while you were
                         unconscious in the hospital those
                         next few days. He slashed his own
                         throat - exactly like you said.

               Jimmy's eyes widen.

                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
                         The funny thing is, he had just
                         tested positive the day you had the
                         fight. His medical files state that
                         he caught it from another male - a
                         civilian.

                                   JIMMY
                         What are the guys in my platoon
                         saying?

                                   DOCTOR
                         They blame you for his death.

                                   JIMMY
                         Are you serious?

                                   DOCTOR
                         They say you called him out,
                         provoked him.

                                   JIMMY
                         So how am I gonna make things
                         right? What am I supposed to --

                                   DOCTOR
                         I wouldn't worry about that right
                         now. I just got word this morning
                         that the higher ups want you out.

               The doctor pauses, allows Jimmy to digest the bad news.

                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
                         Some want me to put in a good word
                         for you because you're such a good
                         soldier, but to be honest Jimmy...I
                         think you are a risk to your fellow
                         soldiers. Your visions, your
                         occasional seizures, your
                         nightmares, the fist fights, it all
                         hinders your judgement...and on the
                         battlefield, that's one risk the
                         army can't take.

                                   JIMMY
                         I'm one of the best goddamn
                         soldiers this Army's got --

                                   DOCTOR
                         I know and that is why I am going
                         to recommend the military pay for
                         your medical counseling after your
                         discharge. It's your free will to
                         see this person or not.

                                   JIMMY
                         Yea, but --

                                   DOCTOR
                             (overlapping)
                         It's not my call Jimmy. They want
                         you out. You'll be escorted to your
                         lieutenant, where he'll begin the
                         process right after this meeting. I'm
                         just telling you what I heard - off the
                         record.

               The doctor jots a name and address on a sticky pad. Hands it
               to Jimmy.

                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
                         This is the woman assigned to your
                         medical case.

               Jimmy glances at the name on the note, it reads: Dr.
               Cassandra Bryant.

                                   JIMMY
                         Another shrink?

                                   DOCTOR
                         Like I said, it's your free will. 

               Jimmy gives him a look.

                                   DOCTOR (CONT'D)
                         I'm your friend Jimmy.

                                   JIMMY
                         You're a fucking company man is
                         what you are.

               Jimmy starts for the exit.

                                   DOCTOR 
                         She's located near your home
                         residence.

               Jimmy leaves, pretends not to hear him, slams the door.



               EXT. JIMMY'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

               A lower class neighborhood just outside the city. A few dozen
               cottage-like houses are crammed together. Some are boarded
               up, others look unlivable and the rest have been bombed with
               graffiti.

               A group of delinquent KIDS vandalize some of the parked cars.
               They take their times doing it.

               Two trashy looking women lead a man on the side of a house.
               He hands them some money and one of the women unzips his
               pants while the other kisses him.

               A cab pulls at the edge of the neighborhood's entrance. 



               INT. CAB - SAME

               Jimmy leans forward, gets a better look at everything.
               Wherever the driver has taken him, it's definitely at the
               bottom of the luxury scale from the place Jimmy used to call
               home - he gives the CABBIE a look.

                                   JIMMY
                         Sure you got the right
                         neighborhood?

                                   CABBIE
                         Positive. 1931 Sweetwater Road.



               EXT. JIMMY'S NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS

               Jimmy gets out, hands him a twenty, grabs his suitcases and
               walks toward one of the worse looking houses on the block.

               Just before he gets into the driveway, a shiny red BENTLEY
               speeds in front of him. The driver honks the HORN violently. 

               The car door pops open. A short man gets out with a devilish
               grin on his face. He's TONY, wavy-haired, 20's, with a slim
               build and dark black designer sunglasses.

                                   JIMMY
                         Anthony? Is that you?

               Tony races over and grabs Jimmy into a playful bear hug,
               struggles to pick him up.

                                   TONY
                         Jimbo!

                                   JIMMY
                         Damn, Anthony, that is you! Look at
                         you man! I heard you had gotten
                         killed about a year ago!

                                   TONY
                         And you believed that?

                                   JIMMY
                         I should've known better - so who's
                         car is that?

                                   TONY
                         It's Tony now and that's my car. I
                         got more that look even better.

               Jimmy steps back, still not believing his eyes, he tries to
               take off Tony's glasses - he's swatted away.

                                   TONY (CONT'D)
                         The glasses stay on at all times my
                         friend.

                                   JIMMY
                         Just tryin' to get a look at you
                         man, damn, you must be doing good!
                         What are you doing on my side of
                         town?

                                   TONY
                         Heard you were coming home today,
                         just wanted to come by and bring
                         you up to speed on how things work
                         around here now.

                                   JIMMY
                         Who told you I was coming home? It
                         wasn't planned or anything. I just -

                                   TONY
                         Small town Jimbo. Plus, I got
                         people working for me enrolled in
                         the military.
                             (laughs)
                         Heard you got your ass beat though.

                                   JIMMY
                         Your sources must've been talking
                         about the other guy.

               Tony grins, play punches Jimmy in the shoulder.

                                   TONY
                         Jimmy Knuckles, I see you ain't
                         changed one bit my man!

                                   JIMMY
                         Trust me, I'm changed. I admit, I
                         learned some things.

                                   TONY
                         Yea? Like 101 ways to kill a man?

                                   JIMMY
                         Only for my country.

                                   TONY
                         You always were a straight shooter
                         Jimmy Johnson.

               Jimmy picks his bags back up, starts going towards his house.

                                   JIMMY
                         Well, look, I haven't even gone
                         inside yet. Any reason why my house
                         and the rest of the neighborhood
                         looks like a giant bird's shit
                         nest? 

                                   TONY
                         Yea, it could use a little work.
                         Look, Jimmy, about --

                                   JIMMY
                         You seen my dad lately? How's he
                         doing?

                                   TONY
                         Yea, thas what I wanted to tell you
                         about before you --

               Jimmy's already got the front door open to his house, he goes
               straight inside, ignores Tony.



               INT. JIMMY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

               The place has been vandalized. Furniture turned upside down,
               kitchen appliances still running, busted television, etc.

               Jimmy drops his bags at the first sight of this disaster.

                                   TONY
                         I was going to tell you before you
                         came inside.

                                   JIMMY
                         Tell me what?

                                   TONY
                         Your dad's been missing for a few
                         weeks now.