Feedback please!

[Silenzio]

I've written about 8 pages and I need some feedback and critique on my script. I haven't took any screenwriting lessons at school or anything like that so I'm not sure if it's written the right way but anyway


11:05... The electronic digits of the clock fade in and out. The curtains rise with the midnight breeze blowing against them. A bin beside the bed, overflowed with rubbish. A figure is lying on the bed, underneath a few thick layer of blankets. The figure moves about in it’s sleep, twitching and moaning. Dreaming most probably.
A sound of a approaching car... Then another sound. Definitely footsteps. Barely audible, tiptoeing around the room. The figure awakens to feel a dark silhouette lingering over him. The nearby car lightens up the room for a second or two. We clearly see the figure in the bed is a man, possibly in his late twenties with short dark hair and brown eyes. He seems quite tense. The light dims away but shortly after another car approaches, lighting the room up as it passes by. This time the man is smiling. Suddenly he rises from underneath his blankets to catch the silhouette. They both fall in to the darkness of the room. Total darkness.
We here the sound of a pair of lips connecting with another pair. A naughty giggle. A kiss. A giggle. A kiss. The lamp on the desk is switched on by a hand, the hand of the man with a beautiful young woman around him. She looks much younger than him, probably around 23-24. The man stops for a second to gaze into her captivating eyes, to watch the bright light reflect of her shiny black hair which hangs just over her shoulders. She clearly has too much lipstick on though - he probably has too! The man kisses the woman on the cheek and gets up. He walks out of the room towards the bathroom. The woman (with a smirk on her face) gets up too and wanders around the room.

EVE
Woke you up?

DANIEL (Bathroom)
Nah, I was expecting you...

EVE
Sure you were...

Eve stops infront of the bedside table. Besides the pens, pencils and paper (used and unused), there are loads of Mini-DV cassettes scattered around, some with labels on them (Scene-5C ‘The terror begins’, Scene 7A ‘ No escape’, Scene 14F ‘Believe’), some without.

EVE
How’s it going?

DANIEL (Bathroom)
How’s what going?

EVE
You know, the film that’s going to make you rich and move to Hollywood. The film that you wrote, acted,produced and directed. The film that you show to noone but yourself. That film!

DANIEL (Bathroom)
You’l see it when it’s finished.

Eve pops out behind the wall and enters the bathroom with an innocent look on her face. Daniel is opposite the mirror, cleaning the lipstick of his face. She cuddles him from behind and tries to kiss him on the neck.

DANIEL
C’mon Eve, stop that.

EVE
Show it to me.

DANIEL
I just said, when it’s finished.

EVE
I’m not talking about the film.

Daniel looks at Eve across the mirror for a while but doesn’t give in to the offer.

DANIEL
Why do you think I’m in bed on a Saturday night at this time?

EVE
I dunno, why are you in bed on a Saturday night at (She looks at her watch) Who gives a damn what time it is Daniel? It’s Saturday for god’s sake!

DANIEL
Don’t call me that. You know I don’t like being called Daniel.

EVE
Danny, are we going out or not? Look you don’t have to drive, we’ll go with my car.

DANNY
It’s not that.

EVE
What is it then? Don’t you want to go out with me? Is that it?

DANNY
Don’t start again Eve.

EVE
Don’t you love me?

Danny takes a deep breath and massages his forehead with his hand.

DANNY
Babe, look. I’ve got some filming I need to do tomorrow and I have to be up by 6.

EVE
Can’t I come? I can help out. I won’t get in your way.

DANNY
It’s not gonna happen.

EVE
I just want to be with you, that’s all.

A tear slides down Eve’s face as she tries not to let anymore out. Danny walks over to Eve and puts his arms around her. He kisses her on the head.

DANNY
Look, I’ll ring you tommorrow allright? We can eat lunch together and then we could go see a film, yeah? I read about this good science-fiction film that has just come out. (Lifts Eve’s head of his shoulder) Or do you want to go to one of those romantic kissy kissy films?

First Danny, then Eve smiles.

EVE
You know I don’t like those films! I like lot’s of blood and gore!

Eve kisses Danny which leaves a big red mark on his lips. Eve cracks up in laughter whilst Danny wipes the lipstick off with some toilet paper. He starts laughing too. He then gives her a big kiss...

‘cut to’
...Danny and Eve kissing at the front door of the house. Their lips seperate, then Eve walks outside. She kisses her fingers and blows it towards Danny, he smiles and does the same thing too. Eve enters her black Mitsubishi. She opens her window.

EVE
Don’t forget to ring!

Danny smiles and waves. His eyes follow her as she disappears into the dark night. A raindrop comes falling down on his cheek. Danny looks up towards the sky to see the rainclouds forming over his house. He walks inside and closes the door.

*****

Danny awakens. He moves about but he doesn’t open his eyes - kind of stops moving for a while. Then he slowly opens his eyes to see the risen sun shining through the wet window and curtain.

DANNY
Oh shit!

Danny turns his head towards the clock which is clearly not working. He then turns his head to the other side where the clock on the wall is. 08:05...

DANNY
Oh shit!

He jumps out of bed and puts some clothes on while swearing at the same time.
He picks up his bag, tosses some cassettes in it, runs out of the room, runs back in, picks up his camera and runs back out. He gets his keys from the drawer in the kitchen and runs out closing the door behind him. We hear Danny opening his car door, closing it, starting the car and driving away. Then the phone rings. It rings three times before the message-service automatically kicks in.
“This is Danny Taylor. I’m ever out or can’t be bothered to pick up the phone so just leave a message after the beep sound.”

BEEP.

SIMON
Danny? Erm... I don’t know how to say this... Eve had a really bad accident last night and she’s in hospital right now... She’s not in good shape, the doctors say her chances of surviving are very low. I’m really sorry... Erm... Ring me allright, bye...
‘cut to’

Danny is sitting in the car, clearly stuck in traffic. Horns are going off left and right. The sun is drying up the puddles formed by the hard rain of last night. His hand reaches to the power button of the radio.

RADIO
“Heavy rain caused major damage to power lines all over the city last night, also many traffic accidents have occurred in the last 7 hours and one of them ended fatally...

Danny turns off the radio stresfully.

DANNY
Oh c’mon...

Danny sounds off the horn a couple a times, knowing that it won’t change much. His eyes turn to his bag, sitting in the chair next to him. He grabs the bag, opens it and takes the camera out. Danny smiles to himself, then he finds a cassette labeled -Scene 14F ‘Believe’- which he takes out of it’s case and inserts into the camera. He touches the play button on the LCD screen amd turns the volume up.

(Danny is holding the camera which is filming Joe)
ON LCD:
DANNY
You sure you memorised everything?

JOE
I can improvise man.

Joe is a coloured guy with short black hair and a always-smiling face. He’s wearing a green short-sleaved shirt.

DANNY
Haven’t I been clear enough about no improvising? I spent a lot of time perfecting this script and you’re not gonna ruin it!

Joe blasts into a laughter. The camera sorta shakes as it was being handheld by Danny.

DANNY
Fuck, I should’ve brought the tripod. Stop laughing man, it’s not funny! You know I haven’t got much time to finish this, I still have to edit it!
JOE
Yeah I know man, sorry... But why like this man? Why not just ask her?

DANNY
I just thought it would be different this way man, you know we’re both into film and shit. I thought it would be more romantic. Don’t you think she’ll like it?

JOE
Well from my past experiences, I learned that women like traditional stuff - getting down on your knees, showing her the ring, “will you marry me?” That kind of stuff.

DANNY
Past experiences? You had more than one? You sure you’re counting right?

JOE
Man, I could count every single woman I’ve been with in alphabetical order, in chronological order, in the order of how many times I’ve slept with each one of them, in the order of...

Danny laughes at the video, he puts the camera down on the chair and picks up his cellphone. He realizes it’s switched off.

DANNY
Worthless piece of crap!

He switches the phone on. While he’s waiting, he sounds the horn a couple a times for fun. He dials a number and puts the phone to his ear. He laughes at the video still playing on the camera.

DANNY *
Hey Joe what’s up? I hope you haven’t forgotten about our little apointment? Because I should be there in about half’n hour once I get out of the traffic. You better have your lines memorised this time! We have to finish this thing today!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
You...You’re joking right? This is some kind of sick joke right?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Eve...Eve.. (starts to cry)
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Please.. no... Eve...

(With the * sign, the camera slowly turns from Danny to the little Mini-DV camera on the chair and slowly zooms in towards the LCD screen - this ends where you see the ** sign)

(This time Joe is holding the camera which is filming Danny)
ON LCD:
DANNY
Erm.. wait a sec...

Danny silently reads his lines from the script infront of him. This goes on for a little while.

JOE
C’mon Dan, I’ve still gotta go to work!

DANNY
Okay, I think I’m ready.

JOE
You think? You think?

DANNY
I’m excited man...

JOE
All this time we’ve been filming this thing and now you’re excited?

DANNY
This is the most important bit Joe, I have to nail this part!

JOE
Trust me man, there’s no way you can mess it up...

DANNY
Thanks... (Takes a deep breath)

JOE
That’s it, deep breathes...

DANNY **
Okay, here we go... (Looks towards the camera) Eve, I hope all this stuff hasn’t made you freak out or think I’m a weirdo or something. You don’t have to worry, its nearly over. I just want to say I feel so lucky to have met somebody as wonderful as you. You are truly the woman of my dreams. Every second apart from you makes me love you even more. And if two people love eachother as dearly as we do, that is, I believe, something special. There is one more way to make this relationship even more special and perfect. First I have to get down on my knees, (Danny gets of the chair) take out this ring (Danny takes out the ring) and ask you this question: Will you marry me Eve? I love you so much! Will you marry me?

[Mari]

I didn't read all of it but maybe you should look through the FAQ forum. It will help a lot.

And look at this site http://www.scriptcrawler.net

Mari

[Ronaldinho]

Two things:

1) Expositional dialog. There's a lot of dialog here that isn't believable - it's you putting words into people's mouths, saying things both people know, for the purpose of telling the audience things about the characters.

2) Compression: this is way too long for the amount of content. Should be like a third as long. Get in, get it done, and get out.