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#1
01-08-2007, 09:55 AM
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HEY! Can you please read my short script and give me feedback?!
This is a drama/fantasy/dark-comedy set in Australia. Any feedback is welcome. Thanks.
Code:
FADE IN:
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
The red curtain is closed and we can hear the hub-bub of a
large audience finding their seats.
We push in through the crack in the curtains and find a
nervous eighteen-year-old BALLERINA standing alone on the
darkened stage.
A female STAGE MANAGER signals '5 minutes' from the wings.
The ballerina nods. She then regards something in her
hand: a doll of an Australian soldier.
CUT TO:
A 2006 CALENDAR - THE JANUARY 15TH PANEL READS 'DANCE SCHOOL
AUDITION - 2PM!'
January 14th is crossed off by a young hand.
We're in--
INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
JENNY, 12, pretty and sweet, wearing pajamas, caps a
permanent marker and regards her calendar.
The first fourteen days have been crossed off.
Jenny turns around and stands in front of her ballet outfit
hanging on the door.
She strikes her opening pose and runs through some last-
minute routines in this cramped little room.
She's got it down pat, but then she misses a beat and chides
herself. She restarts the routine, doing well, until she
stuffs up at the exact same point.
She grunts with frustration and flumps down on her bed.
She stares at the soldier doll standing next to a happy
snap of herself & her soldier DAD taken couple years ago.
Her eyes then settle on a scholarship pamphlet for an
expensive-looking performing arts high-school.
She sighs and turns off her desk lamp. She lies down and
turns to her calendar. Her POV pans to the 18th where
these words are circled enthusiastically: 'DAD COMES HOME -
YAY!' She brims with nervous anticipation.
INT. MORGUE - NIGHT
A sheet is peeled back to reveal the pale face of Dad, his
uniformed body lying on a slab - a terrible stomach wound.
The hard-nosed GENERAL TUCKER, late 50's, nods grimly to
the morgue attendant and heads out in distress.
EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
A door is shut on a black Department of Defense sedan.
The young and fresh-faced LIEUTENANT JOHNS follows General
Tucker up the driveway of this housing commission home.
AT THE FRONT DOOR
General Tucker steels himself and knocks.
INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jenny's eyes snap open - she sits up in bed with a terrible
sense of dread. Her bedside clock reads 2:35 AM.
EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The front door is opened by Jenny's MUM, a long-faded beauty
with joyless eyes. She shakes her head with despair at
her early morning visitors. She can read their faces.
INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
The door to Jenny's bedroom is open a crack and the girl
is peering out.
JENNY'S POV
Mum drops to her knees, tearfully shaking her head. The
General and Lieutenant Johns crouch beside her, trying to
console her. Tucker looks up, straight at Jenny--
Jenny quickly shuts her door and slides down against it,
covering her mouth.
EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Tucker and Johns reach the military Sedan. About to climb
in, Tucker looks back at the house with regret.
INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jenny sobs curled up in bed and clutching the soldier doll.
She freezes as her bedroom door creeks open...
A distraught Mum stands there. She watches her daughter
in bed, back turned to her.
Mum wipes her tears and tries to put on a brave a face.
MUM
Jenny...
Jenny stays silent, not moving, not even breathing. Mum
nearly crumples; she needs her daughter right now.
MUM
Jenny...
Again the girl pretends to be asleep. Mum can't muster
any more strength; She sniffles, backing out and quietly
closing the door.
Tears fall out Jenny's eyes and roll onto her pillow. She
brings the doll up to her face and stares at it...
INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAWN (FLASHBACK)
Dad, in military garb, kneels face-to-face with a somber
10yo Jenny.
He wipes away a tear rolling down her face and presents
her the soldier doll.
Her face brightens. She takes the doll in her hand. Dad
and daughter regard each other fondly...
An impatient clearing of the throat ruins the moment.
General Tucker stands near the front door, eyeballing Dad.
Dad knows his time's up. He smiles weakly at Jenny and
walks out the door. The general nods at Jenny and follows
Dad, closing the door.
EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAWN (FLASHBACK)
Dad is about to get into a black Dept. of Defense sedan.
The front door flies open and Jenny comes running out.
She wraps her arms around Dad and holds him tight.
General Tucker glares at him from the driver's window.
Dad gently extricates himself and kisses Jenny on the
forehead.
They regard each other for one last moment and then Dad
climbs into the passenger seat with a heavy heart, shutting
the door. The sedan pulls away down the street.
Jenny watches it disappear into the distance.
She looks back to the house. At the doorway, a strung-out
Mum sucks a drag out of her cigarette, stubs it out and
disappears into the house.
Jenny stands there alone in the chilly Melbourne air.
Feeling the cold for the first time. She looks at her
doll. The face looks a little like Dad. It makes her
feel better. She hugs it to her chest.
JENNY (V.O.)
(hushed)
Please come back...
BACK TO:
INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (2004)
Jenny's eyes are closed as she clutches the doll near her
tear-streaked face.
JENNY
(whispering)
Please come back...
A tear rolls off her face and splatters across the doll.
"Please come back" begins to echo as we cut to:
INT. MORGUE - NIGHT
"Please come back, please come back..."
Dad's body lies still under a sheet. As we move in closer,
nothing changes. But, then, almost undiscernible, the
movement of a pinky finger. Before we can even comprehend
this we...
CUT TO:
EXT./INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAWN (MONTAGE)
UNKNOWN POV
- Staggering through suburbia. Passersby stop and stare
at us.
- A bus pulls up to the curb and the door hisses opens.
The BURLY BUS DRIVER does a double take and gawks,
undeterred by this we climb aboard and make our way down
the aisle.
- Next, we're riding on the bus and our fellow passengers
feel uncomfortable, edging away. A 7YO BOY stands on the
seat in front of us and stares. He mimes a gun with his
fingers and shoots us.
END MONTAGE
INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAWN
A miserable Jenny drags herself out of bed; the doll drops
to the ground. She stalks down the hallway.
She stops outside the bathroom door. Listens to the tap
running, decides against knocking and walks away.
OUTSIDE - A DECAYING FINGER PRESSES THE DOORBELL
In the living room, Jenny stares at the front door. The
silhouette of a man outside. She cautiously approaches.
EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAWN
Jenny opens the door and looks around. Nobody there. A
clattering noise is heard inside. Jenny runs into the
house.
INT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAWN
In her bedroom, the window is open. Curtains billow.
A soldier bends over and picks up the fallen doll. Jenny's
approaching footsteps grow louder.
She appears at the doorway and freezes. Her eyes wide
with disbelief at the sight of this:
The soldier, his back to her, holds the doll as he reads
Jenny's calendar. He senses Jenny watching him.
As he slowly turns around Jenny's eyes go wide with
anticipation.
Dad stands facing her. Jenny regards his decomposing
features and stomach wound with concern.
But then he flashes a familiar smile and her face lights
up.
She runs off down the hallway.
She excitedly knocks on the bathroom door and barges inside--
ABSOLUTE HORROR SLAMS ACROSS HER FACE; the breath catches
in her mouth. Eyes wide, she slowly backpedals. Dad
appears at the doorway and she backs into him.
He places a comforting hand on her shoulder.
Daughter and Dad stare with grief. The drone of a gushing
taps proves the only soundtrack to this horrible image:
Mum lies unconscious in a bathtub full of bloody water,
both wrists savagely slashed.
Jenny trembles like a leaf. Dad leans across and turns
off the tap. He then dives his hands into the tub and
heaves Mum out, setting her on the tiles.
A SERIES OF QUICK CUTS of Dad performing CPR: he pushes
down on her chest, tilts her head, breathes into her mouth.
As Mum's eyes fly open--
CUT TO:
EXT. JENNY'S HOUSE - DAWN
Jenny walks alongside two paramedics hurriedly stretchering
Mum away.
One of them stops and bends face to face with Jenny.
PARAMEDIC
She'll be okay. You have somebody
to look after you till then?
Jenny looks at her house and sees the outline of Dad
lingering behind the screen door.
Jenny turns back to the paramedic.
INT. ARMY BASE - MORNING
A very grave-looking morgue attendant marches down the
corridor with General Tucker in tow.
INT. MORGUE - MORNING
The pair enter and the attendant indicates the empty slab.
Tucker is lost for words. His eyes flick up at a
surveillance camera.
INT. SURVEILLANCE ROOM - MORNING
Tucker covers his mouth in astonishment.
He's staring at a monitor with footage of Dad getting up
and staggering out. Lieutenant Johns loops the footage.
The general picks up a phone.
INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
Jenny is sitting on her bed in tears. Dad sits next to
her. He places her ballet outfit on her lap.
Jenny looks up at Dad. He holds the scholarship pamphlet
in his hand.
Jenny tearfully shakes her head. Dad reaches out and
caresses her face, lets a teardrop perch on his finger.
This affects the girl; she sniffles and stands in front of
her mirror, holding the dress against her body.
Still uncertain, she looks back at her dad. He nods
reassuringly.
LATER
Jenny opens her closet and pulls out some casual clothes,
stuffing them into a travel bag.
INT. JENNY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Dad gazes at a family photo on the mantle piece. Him,
Mum, and 4yo Jenny at the beach - happier times.
RING! RING! The phone snaps Dad out of his daze. He
stares at the handset...
INT. ARMY BASE, TUCKER'S OFFICE - MORNING
General Tucker has a phone to his ear, sweating as it rings
out.
Click! The other end picks up.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. JENNY'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Dad holds the phone to his ear, listening. General Tucker
does the same. Each listening to the other's breathing,
neither breaking radio silence.
Jenny appears at the doorway and sets down her travel bag.
Dad sees her and lowers the phone to take in the sight of
this: She stands shyly, oh-so adorable in her ballet
costume.
"Lieutenant? Lieutenant? Answer me, Lieutenant" - the
general's voice filters out of Dad's phone.
Dad hangs up.
At the army base, General Tucker stares at his phone, the
dial tone droning.
END INTERCUTTING
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#2
01-08-2007, 09:56 AM
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Code:
EXT. STREET - DAY
Bus doors hiss open in front of Dad and Jenny.
The same burly bus driver from before stares bemusedly as
decomposing Dad and ballerina daughter board his vehicle.
INT. BUS (MOVING) - LATER
Dad and Jenny make their way down the aisle, receiving odd
looks and fearful look-aways from passengers.
The driver eyeballs them in the rear-view. He discreetly
brings the radio-mic to his mouth and presses the emergency
button.
INT. ARMY BASE - DAY
Lieutenant Johns runs down the corridors with a cell phone.
He barges into General Tucker's office and hands over the
phone.
INT. BUS (MOVING) - DAY
The faces of agitated passengers.
Jenny and Dad have the rear seat to themselves. An acre
of empty seats in front of them.
The passengers have packed the front of the bus, staring
back with concern.
Dad is unsettled by the unfriendly faces. Jenny stares
back at them defiantly. She arranges Dad's arm around her
shoulder and happily rests her head on his chest. Dad
relaxes a little, holding her.
EXT. STREETS - DAY
The bus rolls past a sign that reads "You are now leaving
Dandenong. Melbourne: 30 Kilometers".
INT. BUS (MOVING) - DAY
Dad watches Jenny sleeping on his lap. So peaceful.
The bus slows to a sudden halt. Passengers make an exodus.
Dad bristles with panic, craning his neck to see what's
happening. Jenny stirs awake and looks out the window.
Outside, Lieutenant Johns directs soldiers as they whisk
passengers away to the side of the road.
Dad and Jenny exchange worried looks.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Dad and Jenny step off the bus and freeze.
They are staring down the barrel of several rifles held by
four grim soldiers.
A fifth soldier tentatively approaches, rifle drawn, tries
to spirit Jenny away. She shrugs him off and clings to
Dad. The soldier backs off and joins his comrades.
The passengers mill around, watching with frustrated
curiosity.
General Tucker approaches Dad. Lieutenant Johns signals
'at ease' to the soldiers, who lower their weapons.
An angry Tucker looks Dad up and down.
Dad's hand begins to rise. Tucker gets edgy and the
soldiers raise their rifles and cock them.
Then they realize what Dad is doing: he salutes the General
with great difficulty - the joints stiff and painful, the
eyes searing with sadness.
This simple gesture nearly brings a tear to the old man's
eye and sends a shudder down his men's spines. Jenny
watches as one by one they lower their rifles and find
themselves saluting him back.
Also moved, Lieutenant Johns pulls off his hat and dismisses
the soldiers.
General Tucker salutes Dad and sees a document scrunched-
up in his hand. The General extricates it from his grasp
and unfolds it - it's the scholarship pamphlet.
The General looks at Jenny in her ballet costume and finally
understands the pair's journey.
LATER
The bus pulls away. The passengers are left behind,
throwing their arms up in protest.
One of them takes out a mobile and punches '000'.
INT. BUS (MOVING) - DAY
Dad and Jenny sit happily in the back, his arm around her,
the whole bus to themselves.
General Tucker sits behind the bus driver, watching them
with a sense of satisfaction.
Tucker glances at the driver in the rear-view and sees the
sweaty apprehension on his face. Tucker cannot comprehend
why.
EXT. BUS - DAY
Jenny steps out holding Dad's hand. Both gaze upward.
The triple-storey 'MELBOURNE PERFORMING ARTS HIGH SCHOOL'
stands before them. An imposing structure.
Jenny feels the nerves. Dad gives her shoulders a
reassuring squeeze.
General Tucker steps out next, looking more nervous than
the other two combined. He takes a deep breath and gestures
onward.
INT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL HALL - DAY
Three gray-haired, implacable-looking judges stare from
behind a table.
Our ballerina Jenny stands frozen in their crosshairs.
She looks to the stands. Dad finds a chair and sits down.
He nods reassuringly.
Jenny steels herself, closing her eyes and taking a
cleansing breath.
Her eyes snap open with a determined gaze. She strikes
her ballet pose and nods to General Tucker, who presses
play on a stereo. Serene music filters out.
Jenny launches into her routine. Immediately the judges'
heads are down, taking notes.
But Jenny pays them no due. She effortlessly negotiates
the most difficult of twirls, bends, pirouettes, and even
masters the bit she kept messing up before. She's a star.
The judges stop their scribbling and just watch. Dad and
the General are captivated.
Jenny brings her routine to a graceful close and freezes
out of breath.
Nobody says a word. Jenny's eyes dart, getting worried at
the stunned silence. Dad and General Tucker watch with
bated breath.
Then the judges break out into simultaneous applause.
Jenny cracks a huge smile - relief and joy running through
her.
Tucker breathes a sigh of relief and has to sit down. Dad
looks on proudly - even managing to bring his rigid hands
together to clap.
EXT. PERFORMING ARTS HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
In the car park, Jenny giggles as she holds her father's
hands, spinning around with him like a merry-go-round.
Some distance away, at the doorway, the three judges throw
odd glances at Dad, but General Tucker is on the scene,
talking mile a minute, smoothing things out, giving them
his card.
Jenny now squeals as she is twirled through the air by Dad
spinning on the spot. It's like she's flying.
Two POLICE OFFICERS approach stealthily. They see Dad's
hideous appearance and they see what appears to be Jenny
screaming in terror.
Dad and Jenny do not notice the cops getting closer with
their guns drawn until:
OFFICER #1
Put the girl down!
Dad whirls around, Jenny still in his arms. Their smiles
dissolve as they stare down the barrel of two revolvers.
OFFICER #2
Down!
Dad slowly sets Jenny down.
At the doorway, General Tucker, still in conversation,
begins to notice something is wrong.
In the car park, Officer #2 tentatively approaches Dad,
his gun drawn, trying to spirit Jenny away. But the girl
clings to Dad and the officer has to retreat.
OFFICER #1
Lie on the ground face down!
In the distance, General Tucker comes running, waving his
hands like a maniac and shouting something.
OFFICER #2
(to Officer #1,
confused)
What's he saying?
CUT TO THE DISTANCE
GENERAL TUCKER
(running)
Don't shoot him!
BACK TO CAR PARK
They can't hear him. Dad's right hand reaches into his
pocket--
OFFICER #1
He's going for his gun!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! They open fire. Jenny is thrown
aside as Dad's chest erupts with blood.
Dad hits the ground with a thud; his right hand leaves his
pocket and we see what he was reaching for: the scholarship
pamphlet.
A delirious Jenny crawls up to him. She cradles his
bleeding body across her lap.
General Tucker arrives and stares aghast at the two cops,
who still don't understand what has just happened.
Jenny shakes with sobs as Dad struggles to breathe. He
reaches up and caresses her face, letting a teardrop perch
on his finger.
Jenny's face crumples into a difficult smile. Dad slowly
fades away and dies. Jenny shakes his body, but alas he's
gone for good this time.
Jenny extricates the pamphlet from Dad's hand and looks up
at the school.
The anticipant buzz of a large crowd filters in...
INT. AUDITORIUM, STAGE - NIGHT
And we're back where we started, behind the closed curtain
with our nervous 18yo ballerina staring at her soldier
doll. This is adult Jenny, of course.
The stage manager approaches.
STAGE MANAGER
We're ready.
(re doll)
You want me to take that?
Jenny smiles weakly and hands over doll.
STAGE MANAGER
I'll keep him company for you.
She clasps Jenny's shoulder and moves off stage.
FRENCH ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And now, ladies and gentleman, the
girl you've all been waiting for,
all the way from Melbourne,
Australia - Jenny Mailer!
Deafening applause. The curtains part. Lights are thrown
on Jenny. She flashes a smile and strikes her opening
pose with confidence.
FADE OUT:
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#3
01-10-2007, 04:02 AM
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I kind of liked it, but I think it would make a better short story than a script.
In my opinion, I think it would be nice if it was focused on Jenny's POV, rather than all over like it is now. You should try that out and see how if it works for you.
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#4
01-10-2007, 08:29 AM
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I see what you mean with the POV. I guess I used the intercutting as a stakes raiser, in that the audience should be saying, "oh, shit, the General knows about the missing body, is he gonna put an end to the adventure." It was the kind of structure used in Starman, if you recall.
Quote:
Thanks for reading.
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#5
01-10-2007, 10:46 PM
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I thought that it was an interesting concept.
I thought that it was curious that there is almost no dialogue in your short. I thought that it was particularly interesting that you decided to have no dialogue between Jenny and her Dad. I think that I like the general idea of the short. What makes the idea so intriguing is the complex relationship with Dad and the family. I do agree with NS that this relationship could be developed best as a short story than it is in its current form. I don't really know about the lack of dialogue in the film. I don't know if that would work that well on screen. There is so many scenes here, so many emotions invoked, and almost no words spoken. Second, I'm wondering whether it would be more effective if your observers were consistently horrified by Dad. This specific action sort of stood out to me: Quote:
Additionally, you explain that he's decomposing...I'm assuming that he smells awful at this time and that the people on the bus are as repulsed as much by that as they are with anything they can see. Third, I question whether Jenny would still be able to perform even though she had to deal with witnessing her mother slit her wrists only hours beforehand. Yes...we know that Mom is going to be okay, but it is almost surprising that Jenny isn't traumatized and/or concerned by the bloody pool of blood in the bathtub. Last edited by inglourious basterd; 01-11-2007 at 01:14 AM..
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#6
01-13-2007, 01:44 AM
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Thanks for reading, psudoazn.
You brought up two points that have bothered me also: Quote:
And with the boy miming a gun and shooting Dad... Yeah, I don't know about that bit either. In an earlier draft, the kid was just waving dumbly. Lastly, the title of this film is 'Dawn of the Dad'. It's a neat play on words, but is it appropriate?
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#7
01-13-2007, 01:56 AM
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Quote:
This title seems to imply comedy and i didn't really see much of anything funny in the script. The best asset of the script would be the interaction and drama between Dad and his daughter amidst the looks of horror that surround them. How about "For Daddy" or "A Dance for Dad"? These aren't clever titles and they may not really be the direction you would want to go, but I figure an idea is better than nothing. 
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