The Co-op (My new serious screenplay)

[Bcoopa]

Hey everybody, I mentioned in another post that I was writing a screenplay that I actually care about, and am not just making to use as an outline for making a movie. This is something, I am very serious on, and have already made numerous revisions to the portion I am about to share with you.

The story is basically about a guy, who is going through a new phase in his life, where he moves to a bigger city to work as a co-op in order to further his career. However it's a living hell for him, but then things start to turn around for him, when he has sort of an epiphany, when he can no longer work, and he loses the memory of the first few horrible days. He also meets a love interest, that helps bring purpose into his life, and he just tries to decide what he wants, when at first he dedicated himself so much to just this one idea.

I'm looking for some feedback on whether you think the dialogue is real, and especially in the case of the character introduction of the love interest. Does the whole idea seem relatable as well, or does it seem to alien, and not connectable on the human level. Any other thoughts and opinions would be greatly appreciated, and thank you ahead of time.

-Bryan

The Co-op

EXT. CROWDED BIG CITY STREET - MORNING

It’s overcast outside. CALEB, A young man of 21 is walking amongst the mass of people moving on the sidewalk. He looks like he is trying to make an impression to someone, since he is wearing one of the only suits he owns. You can tell that he doesn’t have enough money for very fine clothes however, as he adjusts his tie, it comes, off. A clip on. His face has an expression of frustration at this. But mostly he looks very uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people. He continues to walk down the street as we listen in to hear his thoughts.

CALEB (V.O.)
Ya know, they said it was going to be big. But... my god. Just look at all these people, shuffling and skuttling from point A to B. And these sky scrapers, marvelous, (chuckles) makes me want to be an architect. Too bad I already invested my entire life into this “idea” of some kind of career I might find interesting. But of all the notable things in this city, the most notable is...(distasteful tone) it’s not exactly the cleanest place in the world.

He looks down to his right to see a very dirty looking homeless person eating a hotdog that looks like it was taken out of the garbage.

CALEB (V.O.) (CONT’D)
How could someone become... that? To just totally screw up on life one-hundred percent. Well... I suppose one-hundred percent would be dead, but still.

CALEB stops at a corner and pulls a small piece of paper out of his front pocket. Written on the small piece is, “Garner Advertising Agency 754 Young St. Toronto, Ontario”.

CALEB looks up from the paper across the street at the address on a buildings windowpane above the door. Above the address in green block letters is Garner Advertising Agency. Even though it’s blatently obvious that this is the place he needs to go to, he still hesitats and looks extremely unsure, and uncomfortable. He gulps down hard, feeling the dryness of his tongue and pauses. Building up his courage, he steps forward onto the street firmly, feeling rather successful about such a small task.

Suddenly a blaring car horn is heard, and CALEB gasps as the blur of a yellow taxi cab whizzes by his face as he is yanked backwards. Still in shock, he turns around to thank his saviour. He has a very perplexed look on his face however, as it’s revealed that it was the same homeless man he had seen on the street earlier.

CALEB (CONT’D)
Thank you very much... sir.


INT. GARNER ADVERTISING AGENCY

CALEB is sitting at a smooth metal table in a conference room. He is looking out the window to his left for a moment, but then is brought back to reality suddenly, when he hears a man yell at him. Caleb snaps his head back around forward quickly. We can hear a faint crack, as he grasps his neck and massages it. The man is revealed to be standing and pointing his finger directly at CALEB.

The man’s name is MR. WARD. He is a man of 45, bald on the top of his head, and with a face of a hard business man, who doesn’t take crap from anyone. A little overweight maybe, he still looks like he could kick the living crap out of anyone, just by sheer will power.

MR. WARD
Johnston! Just cause you’re some piece of shit co-op, doesn’t mean you can just day dream all the time! Your job here, is to deal with my shit, try to learn something by watching, and ESPECIALLY try not to FUCK UP EVERYTHING! We have some very big clients here, and if I find out that you lost us any money at all, it’s be your ass... on my PLATE! Comprende?

CALEB nods quickly, getting the picture.

CALEB (V.O.)
I suppose I kind of deserve that. But I can’t help that I’m still preocuppied by the fact that only a half an hour ago, I almost one-hundred percent failed at life. I mean, I knew if I was to get anywhere in the Ad business I would need to start with a job in a big city, where the real clientel are. But jesus... what have I gotten myself into. Earlier today another employee told me that I better watch myself, especially on my first day. Apparently last year, they had taken another co-op, and MR. WARD had tore into him pretty bad...

FLASHBACK

INT. MR. WARDS OFFICE

MR. WARD is sitting behind his desk, methodically aligning his paperweights.

A young man that looks slightly similar to CALEB walks in the room.

YOUNG MAN
(southern accent) Here you go Mr. Ward, I got your coffee here, just the way you like it.

MR. WARD
(impatiently and sarcasticly) Thank you very much Mr. Kirkle, you have made my day so much better, because you got my coffee order right.

MR. WARD smiles very fakely as the YOUNG MAN turns around and walks out of frame. MR. WARD looks into his coffee, and his face floods bright red, and he begins to shake furiously in anger.

MR. WARD (CONT’D)
KIRKLE! I SAID ABSOLUTELY NO CREAM! GAH!

MR. WARD picks up one of the paperweights he had been moving before and hurls it with all his might off screen.

YOUNG MAN (O.S.)
AHH! My nose! My nose!

INT. CUBICLE AT GARNER ADVERTISING AGENCY

CALEB is seated in his extremely cramped cubicle. It appears that it is actually taller than it is wide, and gives the perspective of being confined.

CALEB gulps down very hard, and pulls out a hankerchief from one of his pockets, dabbing his misty forehead with it. CALEB’S electronic wrist watch beeps several times and he lets out a great sigh of relief.

CALEB (V.O.)
Yes, I made it through the entire first day, and... I’m still here.

CALEB gets up swiftly from his too short desk chair and stands up very straight, sticking his chest out in confidence.

CALEB (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Maybe... I can make it after all...

CALEB turns around very quickly, reaching out for his jacket. Fwap! His hand connects firmly with MR. WARD bald shiny head, since he is fairly shorter than CALEB, and CALEB essentially backhand slaps MR. WARD right across the cheek.

CALEB (CONT’D)
Oh... my... god. MR. WARD, I’m so very (cutoff)

MR. WARD
(extremely angrily) I don’t want your damn apology Johnston. I want you... to get down... and give me twenty...

CALEB chuckles, thinking that MR. WARD is making a joke, but when CALEB looks at him and sees the very serious look on his face, he quickly stops. He gulps hard once again. MR. WARD, looking even more angry than before, with a face the shade of purple points down at the ground.

We FADE OUT as CALEB gets down on the ground, and starts slowly doing pushups.

EXT. BUSY CITY STREET - AFTERNOON

CALEB is looking down at his shoes, very depressed as he walks down the sidewalk, towards his pathetically small apartment. He is so distraught that he isn’t even looking where he is going. He bumps shoulders with another man walking the opposite direction. CALEB looks over his shoulder back to say sorry, but before he can, he trips on a crack in the sidewalk and plummets to the cement, smacking his arm against the curb.
CALEB groans out in great pain as we hear the small cracking of bones. His arm is broken.

CALEB
Why me...?

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM
CALEB is walking out from another location in the hospital back into the waiting room towards the exit. The expression on his face is a mixture of depression, exhaustion and a slight of pain. He has a bulky blue cast on his left arm. He stops walking, droops his head and looks down at the cast. He shakes his head for a moment, and then continues to walk out the door sliding door.

EXT. LONELY STREET - NIGHT

CALEB is extremely down, and moseying slowly back to his apartment in the moonlight. Each step he takes is more like stumble, and he no longer has any traces of spring in his step.

SEVERAL TRACKING SHOTS OF CALEB FROM SEVERAL DISTANCES AND ANGLES

CALEB finally reaches his apartment building.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY.

CALEB is still moseying with his head down.

TRACK FROM BEHIND

CUT TO CALEB IN FRONT OF APARTMENT DOORWAY

CALEB reaches out slowly and turns the knob. He slowly walks in through the door, leaving the lights off, leaving the apartment in darkness. He closes the door behind him, while the shot stays in the hallway looking at the door.

FADE OUT.

INT. CALEB’S APARTMENT - MORNING

C.U. CALEB’S face with eyes closed. (O.S) The alarm starts to beep. Beep, Beep, Beep, and on the third beep, CALEB’S eyes open on the same beat.

CUT TO: BATHROOM

C.U. On the shower curtains, PAN right to CALEB’s left arm with cast on, sticking out from behind the curtain. Mist from the shower is in the air.

CUT TO: KITCHEN

CALEB is trying to fix himself some breakfast to no avail. it’s very akward for him, since he is left handed, and he has to use his right

CALEB is pouring milk onto his cereal with his right hand, when the carton slips out of his grip, falls onto the table, hitting the edge of the cereal bowl. This causes the milk carton to not only spill milk everywhere all over the table. But also it causes the cereal bowl to flip upwards, splashing his face with the milk and cereal that was already in it.

C.U. CALEB’S FACE
He blinks several times, milk actually dripping off of his eyelashes.

EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT - GARNER ADVERTISING AGENCY

TILT FROM SIDEWALK TOWARDS TOP OF BUILDING

INT. GARNER ADVERTISING AGENCY

CALEB is standing in front of MR. WARD in his office. We see him through the office window through a crack in the blinds, but we cannot hear what is going on. Now MR. WARD appears to be very angry and yelling at the top of his lungs and pointing at CALEB. An assistant opens the door to MR. WARD’S office and we hear some of the conversation.

MR. WARD
THE VERY FIRST DAY! AND ALREADY YOU INJURE YOURSELF!

ASSISTANT
Sir... um, we need you to meet with the people from Crackity Pop Cereal in....

MR. WARD
(to ASSISTANT) GET... THE... FUCK... OUT!!

As THE ASSISTANT leaves through the door, the camera goes in the office, to hear the rest of the conversation.

MR. WARD (CONT’D)
(to CALEB) Now... back to you shit for brains.

CALEB
Well... sir...

MR. WARD
I don’t want to hear it!.. You know what? You’re are dismissed from this job. You had your opportunity, but for now it’s gone.

CALEB
what are you saying?!...

MR. WARD
What. Did I STUTTER. Unfortunately I can’t fire your pathetic ass, so until your arm is healed, you are going to be on UNPAID leave.

CALEB
WHAT?!! Is that even legal

MR. WARD pulls on CALEB’s shirt pulling him down towards his angry scrunched up face. MR. WARDS voice lowers, but increases in intensity.

MR. WARD
That’s right. I can do that. And you wanna know why? Cause if I hear even the slightest bit that you went complaining about this to someone. I’m gonna see to it that you never get above COFFEE WENCH in the ad industry. If you know what’s good for you kid, you’ll be sure not to test this. I know people in this city that wouldn’t think twice about putting a major hurt on you. Now get outta my sight before I castrate you more than metaphorically.

CALEB is thoroughly distraught and shocked by the seriousness of the whole issue, and leaves incredibly quickly. Nearly running to his cubicle, he’s shaking like he never has before. At first it’s fear, but slowly it turns into anger and rage. He grabs his coat from his desk, digging into the fabric with his nails, imagining that the collar is MR. WARD’S throat. It isn’t helping to release his anger though, as he stomps out of the building, nearly shattering the glass of the front door.

EXT. BUSY CITY STREET OUTSIDE GARNER ADVERTISING AGENCY

CALEB’S on the cusp of losing complete control as he thrusts out into the street. So distracted that he doesn’t even look for cars.

SCREECH! A familiar yellow taxi cab grinds it’s breaks as hard as it can, halting on the asphalt just in time as to not take out CALEB’S legs from under him. But this time, instead of acting passively to his near death experience, he lashes out. CALEB, shaking with anger, takes his foot and thrusts it through the headlight of the taxi. The cabbie is so surprised by this, that he floors it. The cabbie jolts forward so fast that CALEB has no time to react whatsoever, as his body is taken out by the front of the taxi. His body flips onto the hood, and then rolls up over the roof of the car.

CALEB, falls to ground headfirst, smacking his skull upon the hard black asphalt.

C.U. On CALEB’S face as he blacks out.

Slowly FADE OUT

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM

CALEB’S POV:
At first the screen fades in and out several times, as CALEB wakes up extremely dazed. The ECG machine can be heard in the background.

CALEB turns his head, and sees it. The green line bumping up at every beat of his heart.

CUT TO: THIRD PERSON ANGLE

CALEB is lying in a hospital bed, with bandages wrapped around his head. He starts to panic a little bit, and starts frantically beeping the button for the nurse. He breaths heavy for a moment, and then the nurse arrives. He only calms down slightly.

CALEB
(panicked) How did I get here?! What... what happened, I, was... I, ugggh, I don’t...

NURSE
Sir. Sir! You are going to need to calm down. Now, you have had a bad head injury, from a car accident. Now can you tell me what happened?

CALEB
I... I don’t remember. How the HELL CAN SOMEONE NOT REMEMBER THAT!!!!

NURSE
SIR! If you don’t calm down I’m going to have to sedate you.

CALEB nods, but he is still twitching slightly, and his heart rate has increased quite a bit, shown by the more rapid beats of the ECG.

NURSE (CONT’D)
I believe that you may have suffered some memory lose from the incident. Now... can you tell me your name?

CALEB
Sure... sure, it’s... it’s CALEB.

NURSE
Alright... that’s very good, now can you tell me what you had for breakfast this morning?

CALEB
Oh God, I can’t remember. Is that bad... what’s wrong, is there something wrong with my head??

NURSE
Sir....

CALEB
Right, yeah... whatever... I’m calm lady, I mean, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I think I’m dealing with it pretty damn well, don’t you think.

NURSE
Fine, can you just try and tell me what the last thing you remember is?

CALEB
Uh, I guess.... Uh, it was. I dunno... uh... SATURDAY! Yeah, yeah, that’s it. I had moved in on thursday, and on the weekend I was just getting some stuff. My job starts on Monday. SHIT! My Co-op, what are they gonna say.
NURSE
Sir, the day today is Tuesday.

CALEB
OH MY GOD! TUESDAY... (starts rambling) tuesday the what? Cause I was supposed to start on the 20th. Shit, how long have I been in a coma for. I’m never gonna get a recommendation. They think I haven’t shown up to work for several monthes, but I’ve been in the goddamn hospital wasting away!! Aw shit, I knew it was bad idea moving to the city. Already I got in an accident. My mother was right... she’s always right, damn, I should’ve listened...

The NURSE walks over to the side of CALEB’S bed, and gently grabs his hands, rubbing them, calming him down. This is the first time that he really even noticed her before. The way the lights shine on her, make her seem to glow almost. CALEB’S heart rate on the ECG goes back to normal, as he just stares into her eyes. She has beautiful curly auburn hair, with the bangs just barely sweeping into her eyes.

CALEB (CONT’D)
What... is your name?

NURSE
(softly) Maddy...

CALEB
(still slightly in awe) Hi... my name is Caleb.

MADDY
(chuckles) I know, you told me. (chuckles). Okay, so now that you are calm, I can explain things to you. You haven’t been in a coma or anything like that. You simply lost some of your memory. It’s probably due to the trauma from the accident. There aren’t any witnesses though, someone just brought you in. A nice man..

CALEB
Was he homeless??
MADDY
What?!

CALEB
Nevermind, okay, so what happened.

MADDY
Well we actually had all of your information already, because it appears like you are a bit of a clutz,(chuckles) because you were in just yesterday, with a broken arm. Which has nothing to do with the accident you had today. One thing though is you broke your foot as well, besides your head injury. We have no idea how that happened. So anyways. We are gonna keep you here for awhile longer, and then we are gonna discharge you after we get a catscan to make sure that nothing else is wrong. Okay? ... well I got to be leaving now.

MADDY walks towards the curtain before CALEB can say anything. She slides the curtain back, and at the last second, CALEB gets out of his daze.

CALEB
Wait! Um (nervously) Promise you will come back. You’re the only person that I know in this entire city. I.. I don’t know what to do.

MADDY
(comforting) Yeah... I will... I promise. Now get some rest, or I won’t, okay?
She leaves without needing a response. CALEB lies back in his bed, finally relaxed, he sighs deeply.

CALEB
(to himself) Yeah... yeah, rest....Maddy, beautiful name....

CALEB’S eyes droop and he slowly falls into a deep restful sleep after all he excerted himself getting all worked up. SLOWLY FADE OUT

[NobodySpecial]

First, what's a co-op? Is that like an intern?

Second, I really liked the hit-the-boss-in-the-face-on-accident gag.

Third, I really didn't like much else. The biggest problem for me is that it's told in a "I'm telling you a story" sort of way, which doesn't work for me. If it was told more as a story unfolding it would, I believe, be a stronger narrative. That is, start with Caleb arriving in the big city, then going to his job for the first time, then doing whatever, etc, etc. Rather than "Let me tell you what happened last Tuesday"-style.

Finally, have you seen The Secret of My Success? Aspire to that. It's a great movie.

[Bcoopa]

thanks for the reply Nobodyspecial

yeah, a co-op is like an intern, usually someone who is still in university, and for a semester will go and do a job relating to the field they are taking in university, in this case Advertising and PR.

I really see what you are trying to say, and I'm definitely going to almost start from the ground up, but with similar ideas. Have the story unfold more naturally. I really have a problem of making the exposition and character dialogue like talking heads. I should see that movie you mentioned, I haven't, but will try to rent it or something if I have time. Until then, can you think of any movies similar that I might have seen, I wanted something like Lucky Number Slevin, but not so much noir, just the aspect of how unlucky he is at the beginning. Then kind of a rebuilding of his life, like in In Good Company, just had those two in mind, though it probably doesn't show necessarily at all. This is really my first foray into writing something meaningful. Will work on those things though, and thank you very much. I needed to hear that, just to direct my energy into something specific, and then go from there.