|
|||||||
| MOVIE FAN CENTRAL | FAQ | Members List | Calendar | Search | Today's Posts | Mark Forums Read |
 |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
|
#1
04-16-2007, 01:35 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Does my script have potential?
I'm writing a comedy about this guy David who has aspirations of being in a famous band. And it's about the troubles of being in a band (which I';m trying to not make cliched) and all other aspects of David's life.
So really I'm after any sort of criticism, but the most important for me at the moment is the jokes. If they are lame, if I have (unintentionally) ripped off someone else's joke, if they fit in well, if the narrator part is a bit too arrested development (im trying to make it work, just need to know if it comes off as funny, or if you read it and think arrested development straight away), and also the last scene in the bar, I just wrote that then, need to know if it gels with the rest. And of course any other criticism is welcome. Thanks you! --- INT. GARAGE - DAY DAVID, an early twenties male, with medium length brown hair sits on a stool, playing guitar. The fret board shakes a tiny bit as David’s fingers tap back and forth, slowly revealing more of the guitar. It’s a Fender Telecaster. He plays a riff, and bops his head to the beat. NARRATOR (V.O.) David Warner loved music since the day he was born. INT. HOSPITAL - O.R - DAY A WOMAN lays on a hospital bed with her legs wide open, and a DOCTOR stands in between them, amazed. A NURSE stands beside him. DOCTOR It’s a boy! Holy God, is that his pe- NURSE No, that’s a clarinet. A clarinet solo begins playing in the room. DOCTOR Oh thank God... How did he learn to play the clarinet so good? WOMAN I had some sheet music stuffed up there a few months ago. DOCTOR Wouldn’t it have just gotten soggy, and been unreadable? WOMAN Oh yeah I thought about that, I had them laminated beforehand. DOCTOR That must have hurt. WOMAN Yeah I thought paper cuts in my uterus would be bad, wait till you feel the edge of laminated paper digging into you. DOCTOR It’s no use, I don’t have a uterus. Yet.. INT. OFFICE - DAY David, dressed in a cheap suit stands with his guitar hanging off his shoulder in front of a large desk, piled with papers, and a SUIT sits back at his chair. NARRATOR (V.O.) He took his music everywhere he went. SUIT Now David, you have had great test scores, and we at the firm believe you could go places if you join our- The suit sits up and adjusts his glasses. SUIT Why do you have a guitar? DAVID It’s my baby. SUIT That’s impossible, you can’t give birth to a musical instrument. David turns around, lifts his shirt up a tiny bit, and his pants down a tiny bit to reveal a large scar going from the middle of his back down past where his pants are pulled down to. DAVID Yes you can, and it hurts like hell. Tore me apart. SUIT Well you’ll have to get rid of that. We need professionalism here. DAVID (Screaming) You can keep your job! David runs out of the room. INT. GARAGE - DAY David continues to play the guitar on the stool. NARRATOR (V.O.) Music was David’s life. But what was even more his life, was his life. He loved life for one reason, and her name was Laura. Laura lived life to fullest. David longed for Laura’s love since the day he met her. EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY A YOUNG DAVID stands in the middle of the sand pit, alone. A YOUNG LAURA, with long brown hair walks over and stands next to David. YOUNG LAURA I’m Laura, do you want to be friends? Young David can’t take his eyes away from Laura’s. YOUNG DAVID (V.O.) I’m in love. YOUNG DAVID OK. I’m David. Laura grabs David’s hand. YOUNG DAVID (V.O.) Boo ya! I think I just ca- INT. GARAGE - DAY NARRATOR (V.O.) He thought the next step in his quest to be a rock star with an unlimited amount of money and hookers was to form a band. All they needed now was a singer, so David called the band in for a meeting. I was touched as a child. A car arrives outside the garage, David stops playing and presses a button on a remote to lift the garage door. ED, another early twenties male, very skinny and wearing a white singlet, stumbles through the garage to the drums. He has a beer in each hand. DAVID Are you drunk? Ed begins to laugh, but is interrupted by all the alcohol he has drunk racing up his throat, causing him to vomit all over his snare drum. ED That felt so good. Ed starts to play a beat, and with each hit of the snare small chunks of vomit spray up on his singlet and the rest of his drum kit. He stops playing and stares down next to David’s amplifier. ED Why is there a teddy bear near your amp? David struggles to find the right words. NARRATOR (V.O.) David feared disclosing the fact he challenged the teddy bear, Bo Bo, to a marathon game of boggle earlier that day would hurt his street rep. He struggled to find an excuse in time. DAVID It’s my sister’s. I was going to burn it. David turns to the teddy bear. DAVID (whispering) I’ll make it up to you later Bo Bo. The teddy bear acquires the voice of a sleazy male who sounds like he has smoked his fair share of cigarrettes. BO BO Let me make love to you. DAVID Not again. BO BO You can give consent, or we can play it rough? DAVID Am I giving or receiving? BO BO We both know the answer to that. DAVID Damn it. ED What sort of bastard burns his sister’s teddy bear? DAVID (whispering) Scene points: Four hundred and three. New record. ED What? David tries to come up with something quickly. DAVID Your mum is a whore. NARRATOR (V.O.) David was never adept at coming up with lies on the spot. DAVID Damn it. NARRATOR (V.O.) Lucky for him, after years of drumming without ear plugs, Ed had become partly deaf. ED What did you say? DAVID I said your mum is a whore! NARRATOR (V.O.) He wasn’t too great at picking up when he was insulting someone’s family either. Ed’s eyes become filled with rage. He stands up, but before he can move, TRENT, another male in trouser’s and a knitted sweater walks in carrying a huge double bass. DAVID What the hell is that? TRENT Oh this, it’s just a bass. DAVID That’s a double bass. You need a bass guitar. TRENT I borrowed it from one of the band guys. ED One of those band geeks? TRENT Well I’m not sure if he was a geek but- ED (yelling) Anyone in school band is a geek you here me? Ed chugs some beer. He throws the bottle against the wall. NARRATOR (V.O.) Trent succumbed to intimidating men covered in their own spew far too easily. TRENT OK, OK, they’re all geeks. BRIAN (O.S.) Hey! The three turn around to see the other guitarist, BRIAN, with long brown dreadlocks, in a wheel chair, struggling to wheel into the garage. DAVID What happened to you? BRIAN Nothing, why? DAVID Your in a wheel chair, for starters. BRIAN Oh, that. It’s just this whole, save the whales thing I’m doing. DAVID How are you saving the whales by going around in a wheel chair? NARRATOR (V.O.) Brian had recently discovered a beached whale. And when I say that I mean an actual beached whale, not the nickname I have for my cheating ex-girlfriend. You hear this Stacey? You Slut! P.S I hope the herpes I passed on to you hasn’t caused too much trouble. EXT. BEACH - DAY Brian stands over a huge whale on the beach, screaming into the air. He runs over to the front of the whale and starts pounding it’s chest. BRIAN Come on, god damn you! Breath! Brian climbs on top of the whale, jumping up and down. BRIAN Don’t worry, I’ll save you. Brian climbs down and runs over to the mouth of the whale. He begins blowing air into the whale’s mouth, and starts CPR. BRIAN One, two, three, four. Brian breathes into the whale’s mouth again. EXT. BEACH - DAY Brian has a nurse standing beside him, with the machine with the electric paddles on it. BRIAN Charge it to five hundred. Stat! NURSE #2, a forty year old nurse fiddles with the dial. BRIAN Clear! Brian slams the paddles on the whale. Nothing happens. DOCTOR #2, a balding middle aged man races across the beach. He tackles Brian to the ground. DOCTOR #2 Give me back my damn paddles! The Doctor takes the machine away across the beach, the nurse following behind him. NARRATOR (V.O.) While Brian couldn’t bring the whale back to life, he made a pact with himself. Brian falls back on the sand, saddened by the death of the whale. BRIAN I will never walk again. INT. GARAGE - DAY David, Trent, and Ed are listening intently to Brian. BRIAN So I’ve decided to stop walking, because I figure if I get everyone in the entire world to stop walking and get in a wheel chair, then we’ll all slowly become fatter and unhealthier. Which will slowly but surely bring down the average life-span of the human race. So we will eventually start to die quicker as a result of never doing any exercise and having to eat processed fatty foods because of the fact that it’s too hard to do hard manual labour in a wheel chair, and thus eventually clogging our arteries, and by that theory the whales will outlive us. So I’m single handedly saving the whales if you think about it. I’m kind of a modern day hero. Suddenly there is a knock at the door leading to the inside of the house. The door opens and MARIE, David’s mum walks in with a tray of sandwiches. MARIE Who’s hungry? DAVID Mum, please not now. We’re jamming. MARIE Trent? Are you hungry? Marie smiles at Trent, who hides behind his large double bass. DAVID Mum, please leave. MARIE OK, I’ll just leave these with you. Marie walks over and leaves the tray next to Trent. She walks back into the house. BRIAN That was pretty weird. DAVID Don’t worry about it, now when is this guy coming around- David notices Trent scoffing down the sandwiches. DAVID What are you doing? TRENT I’m hungry. DAVID No! Put those down. You know my mum has a weird obsession with you, and you eating her food is fuel to the fire. Marie has her head around the corner looking in. NARRATOR (V.O.) Trent had become the unlikely man who Marie had her eyes set on since he was the shoulder for her to cry on after a very embarrassing split with her husband. INT. DAVID’S HOUSE - LOUNGE ROOM - DAY David, Ed, Brian and Trent are sat on the couches watching television. All of a sudden a door slams shut and footsteps are heard racing down the stairs. Marie and FRANK, David’s father walk out into the lounge wearing only towels. They don’t notice David and his friends on the couch. FRANK For the last god damn time Marie, I am not participating in these golden shower fiascoes anymore, I have had enough. MARIE But it’s what I need. FRANK What you need is a shrink. MARIE You have to be able to feed my urges no matter what they are. FRANK I shouldn’t be feeding you anything, you just try to excrete it all back onto me! All you want to do is cover me in urine. It smells. It feels weird. I have had enough of this. You can keep the house. I am out of here. Frank turns to storm out of the house. They notice David and his friends on the couch. FRANK Hi kids. I forgot my trousers. Frank walks back upstairs. Marie begins crying her eyes out. She walks over to the couches, and sits on the empty spot next to Trent. Frank comes back out with his trousers and a shirt. FRANK I’ll send for my things. Frank storms out of the room. Marie continues to cry and she moves over to Trent, and leans on his shoulder. As her crying becomes louder she grabs Trent tighter, slowly starting to rub his chest. Trent tries to move but Marie holds him down. David is in complete shock. Marie starts to breathe heavily. INT. GARAGE - DAY Trent puts down the tray of sandwiches. A car pulls up at the driveway. BRIAN That must be him. PATRICK, a tall, well built man with a long beard walks into the garage wearing normal clothes, and with a backpack. The group is taken back by his intimidating facial hair and size. PATRICK Hey everyone, how’s it going? I’m Patrick. DAVID Hi I’m David, that’s Ed, Trent and you know Brian. PATRICK Alright, so do we want to get started? DAVID Sure do you have lyrics you can use? Patrick takes a huge stash of papers out of his backpack. PATRICK I have enough lyric to last me a year. DAVID Do you mean lyrics? PATRICK No, lyric. I am taking a stance against pluralising any word. DAVID OK... well we have been learning this new song, so we’ll play it, and when you fell right, just join in OK? PATRICK No problem. Let me just get my pitch right. Patrick takes out a tuner, and hums into it, raising and lowering his voice to get the pitch he wants. PATRICK OK, we’re good. David stands up and gets in position, Brian pulls his guitar over his shoulder, Trent and Ed get in position. DAVID One, two, three, four. The band start to play a song, but it sounds terrible, David stops. He gets the attention of the rest of the band members and they stop. DAVID Brian, your playing in the wrong key? BRIAN Guitars don’t have keys, moron. DAVID Let’s just try it again, Brian play it right this time. One, two, three, four! They start to play a fast paced rock song. The guitars are loud, the drums are fast, the double bass sounds a little out of place, but it sounds pretty good overall. Patrick relaxes his throat, stretches out his neck, and grabs the microphone. David watches closely, hoping Patrick is the right guy for his band. All of a sudden, Patrick starts screaming the deepest, most incoherent words, while thrashing about in front of the guys. He is completely in his own world, and not one word his screams are in any way coherent. He looks insane. David looks at Brian, who shrugs his shoulders. Trent begins to cry, still playing the double bass as the tears roll down the side of his cheek. David stops playing the song, and is soon after followed by Brian, Trent, and Ed. Patrick continues screaming. He switches and starts screaming so high it hurts. David runs around in front of him to get his attention. Patrick stops. PATRICK What’s the matter? DAVID Well firstly, you have brought Trent to tears. Patrick turns around to see Trent in the corner bundled up. PATRICK Sorry bud. DAVID And secondly, I don’t know what you were doing, whether you were trying to raise the dead, or if you were impersonating a car engine, but I don’t think this is going to work. PATRICK That’s OK. I understand my style is a bit different. DAVID I think we may need some time apart, you from the band that is. PATRICK That’s fine. DAVID Look, I’m sorry OK. I really am. It’s not you, it’s us. PATRICK No problem at all bud, I’ll be on my way. Good luck finding a singer. DAVID There’s someone else. PATRICK What? DAVID There is someone else. Another... Another vocalist. Nothing’s happened, but I just felt I had to be honest with you. I didn’t want you to burst in on us jamming together one day and make everything awkward. INT. GARAGE - DAY Patrick enters the empty garage. He looks around suspiciously. He sees a jacket that doesn’t look familiar laid out on a bench. Patrick hurriedly walks into the house. INT. KITCHEN - DAY Patrick walks through the kitchen, there is a faint sound coming from another part of the house. Patrick sees to cans of soft drink on the counter. He looks to the corner of the room, noticing where the noise is coming from, he heads down the hallway. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Patrick walks briskly through the hallway noticing a pick on the floor. He heads to the closed door at the end of the hallway. He stops at the door trying to listen. He turns the knob and swings to the door open. INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Patrick bursts into the bedroom, where David and another VOCALIST sit on the bed. David jumps up immediately pulling a bed sheet over himself. PATRICK What are you two doing? DAVID Nothing, we are just hanging out. PATRICK Don’t lie to me, what’s under that sheet? DAVID Nothing. PATRICK What’s under it? David backs away but Patrick advances on him, ripping the sheet off. A bunch of pieces of paper spill on the floor. Patrick picks them up, and starts to read them. PATRICK These are lyrics! DAVID I’m sorry. PATRICK This is what you have been doing behind my back? DAVID We were just working on a few harmonies that’s all I swear. The other vocalist jumps in between the two, who look like they are about to get into a fight. VOCALIST Don’t lie David, tell him the truth. The vocalist turns to Patrick. VOCALIST We’ve been writing for months. Patrick puts his head in his hands as though he is about to cry. PATRICK I’m so stupid, how could I not find out? VOCALIST Your not right for them. They want me in the band now. Patrick turns to David, desperately hoping this isn’t true. PATRICK Is this true? DAVID I wanted to tell you, I really did. I just couldn’t find the right time. PATRICK So all of this meant nothing to you? All our songs, gone just like that? Patrick rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to get into a fight. Instead, he grips a bright yellow wrist band. DAVID (V.O.) Not his friendship bracelet! Patrick rips the friendship bracelet off and throws it on the floor. David dives onto the floor and grabs it. PATRICK It’s over! We are through. Patrick storms out of the room. There is an awkward silence. VOCALIST So do you want to work on the chorus- DAVID Not now! I’m too hurt. INT. PUB - NIGHT The pub is crowded and the sound of a local band plays. David sits alone at the bar, looking for someone in particular behind the counter. A woman, around the same age as David, with long dark brown hair comes around the corner, wearing all black bar clothes. This is LAURA. She walks over to David. In slow motion. David stares at her as she approaches him. LAURA Hey David, do you want me? DAVID Yes. LAURA To get you a drink? DAVID Oh, just a shot of whiskey. Laura snickers when David orders the drink, but gets him a shot of whiskey. DAVID (V.O.) Come on, she knows you cry when you drink straight liquor. DAVID Shut up, I know what I’m doing. She’ll see me drink this manly drink with absolutely no reaction, and she’ll finally realise I am the man for her. David has the shot, but hasn’t swallowed it yet. DAVID (V.O.) You idiot! Swallow! David swallows. DAVID (V.O.) (screaming) It burns! Laura looks worried that David has scrunched up his face. LAURA Are you OK? Is that whiskey a little too hard for you? Laura laughs, David is insulted. DAVID Never. Give me another one. Laura give David another shot. He takes it, and his face scrunches up again. LAURA You ready to quit yet? I know you can’t handle it. DAVID Another. Laura gives David another shot. David stretches his neck, and takes the shot. He doesn’t move a muscle. LAURA How is that going down? DAVID Please give me ice, my insides are on fire. Laura laughs at David, before filling a glass with ice. LAURA Hold on a second. Laura walks over to another CUSTOMER sitting at the bar. LAURA Can I get you anything? CUSTOMER Yeah, Can you pour some vodka all over yourself and let me lick it off, and then can we engage in a passionate embrace? David looks completely shocked by the man’s bluntness. Laura gets out a bottle of vodka and pours it all over herself. She gets on the table and the man grabs her and licks her bare stomach. When he is done he wraps his arms and around her and she does the same. They rub each other’s bodies and fall to the floor, still sharing the passionate embrace. They both breathe heavily. A single tear rolls down David’s face. --- Thanks!  
|
|
#2
04-16-2007, 01:51 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
There has been a lot of films over the years about the music world and i haven't liked one. It's always the same old... the films always start great then fade has the film comes to an end
|
|
#3
04-16-2007, 08:17 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
First scene.
You've got a good joke in there. Up until the clarinet starts playing. After that, you're beating a dead horse. The rest of the scene feels like patting yourself on the back for the good joke. The job interview scene is just random and weird. The meeting Laura scene is a classic, why are you using voiceover scene. You don't need it. Find a good externalization of how he feels and it'll be funnier. Not sure what I'm supposed to get out of "I was touched as a child" in the narrator's VO. Is it supposed to be a joke about the narrator? I find the scene with the Bear completely incomprehensible, and not funny. At about the time the narrator starts talking about his ex-girlfriend, I'm finding him tedious and annoying and not funny. When Marie shows up and leaves the sandwhiches, and Brian says, "That's pretty weird" I'm not sure what he's talking about. Nothing weird has just happened (unless you consider that someone in his 20s is living with his mom, still). Anyway, somewhere in the scene with the vocalist I stopped reading. Not trying to be a hard-ass, but the whole thing just became a bit of a struggle. It's not really that funny, and I don't really have any sense of who these people are to make them worth following. Random and weird isn't the same thing as funny.
|
|
#4
04-16-2007, 08:41 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Rando, this isn't even my script, yet I still appreciate the detail you went in decsribing the pros and cons of the original posters script.... great to see people like you on here helping others out. Later.
|
|
#5
04-16-2007, 08:42 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
sorry I meant Ronald... Rando? No one knows what I was thinking on that one....
|
|
#6
04-16-2007, 08:58 PM
|
|||||||
|
|||||||
|
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
But anyway, thanks for the criticism!
|
|
#7
04-16-2007, 09:13 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Well when you first introduce a chacter you need to capatalize his name and describe them, from that point on the audience should follow smoothly. I found a couple of times that I didn't know what the hell was going on simply because of lack of character description... and people on this site usually know what they're talking about and will rip your stuff to shreds if you're not ready. So if it's not the way you meant it to be... re work it, re read it, and make sure everything is very understandbale and that it's the way you want. It's hard to get good advice if you left out parts that were supposed to be there ya know?
Example: The door opened and GEORGE CROWDLY steps through it cooly. He's a grizzled man in his early thirties. He has a long scar down the side of his face and has a long cigar hanging loosley from his lips... he speaks loudly to no one in particular. GEORGE Ya got any pie in the hole in the wall? A young waitress stops in her tracks and puts on a bright smile. She is about 19, she has great perky breast and short shimmering blonde hair. This is MARY LOU SHUE. MARY LOU Well only the best this side of the Mississippi. GEORGE Then gimme a slice would ya? Better yet make it two. And theoldest blackest coffee ya got. I want to be able to chew it ya understand? lol
|
|
| Bookmarks |
«
Previous Thread
|
Next Thread
»
| Thread Tools | |
| Display Modes | |
Linear Mode
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:08 PM.
