Exercise 2: Create a logline in less than 25 words

[inglourious basterd]

I hope that you guys will continue trying Exercise 1. It is definitely fun to read your varying approaches to the same loglines. Below is another exercise from "On the Lot". But this one is actually a contest, so give this your best shot and submit your ideas to http://www.thelot.com/logline/. I look forward to hearing what you guys have to say. What follows is the exercise.

Think you can define the perfect movie script in 25 words or less?
Then get ready for America's Choice Logline Challenge!
From now until June 12 submit your best loglines. You can enter as many times as you like.

Here's an example of a logline: A man sees his face on the news described as missing or wanted.

Starting June 17, voting begins for the best loglines vying for fame and fortune. The winning logline of America's Choice Logline Challenge will be made into one of the weekly ON THE LOT contestant challenges. You could also appear as a guest judge on the show!

More seriously, perhaps we could pick the best loglines from here and we can make "Exercise 3" have something to do with those.

[Ares2907]

I am ineligible to enter, however given that it's been a while since I posted anything of my own here, I humbly put this forward:


After witnessing the violent suicide of his father, a man begins having vivid flashbacks. Of someone else's life, 400 years ago.

attempt two
After the suicide of his father, an aristocrat experiences horriffic flashbacks of another life, 400 years ago. He must discover why, or lose his sanity.


Suggestion: If you're going to submit multiple entries, editing a single post would be an easier way to collate them.

[adamjohnson]

A vampire stalks a Private Detective in 1940's Chicago.

[Maestro]

In a last-ditch attempt to make it in the entertainment industry, a struggling filmmaker enters a reality TV show contest, only to have low ratings doom the show to cancellation before the prize is awarded.

- M

[Nima]

Originally posted by adamjohnson
A vampire stalks a Private Detective in 1940's Chicago.

I like this, but it would be stronger if it was the other way around (Detective stalks vampire).

[Joe Sun]

here's my first of what should be many entries.... I dont even like it that much.

A group of aliens return to collect on an agreement between them, and our nation's founding fathers.

[Joe Sun]

heres another:

The Philadelphia mob starts a real estate scheme, creating a deadly game of monopoly for it's participants.

ill post some more of mine later

[iheartfilms86]

Here's one:

A blogger begins recieving strange messages on his website that contain clues about a serial killer's next victim. It's a race against time as the messages appear 48 hours before the next murder is to occur.

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by iheartfilms86
Here's one:

A blogger begins recieving strange messages on his website that contain clues about a serial killer's next victim. It's a race against time as the messages appear 48 hours before the next murder is to occur.

The first sentence alone works better Ithink.

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by Nima
I like this, but it would be stronger if it was the other way around (Detective stalks vampire).

You're right (and Im stupid) since this is more of how it is.

[Ronaldinho]

Almost all of these have the same problem:

Too little information.

I know you've only got 25 words. That's what makes this hard. But you need to give me some sense of who the protagonist is. iheartfilms is the only person who's given me anything to go on in that regard (because "blogger" paints a sharper picture than "mobster")

"A vampire stalks a detective in 1940s chicago" is a starting place, but it's flat, dry. Who's the detective? Why is the vampire chasing him? What's /really/ going on? I need more details, more specifics.

Same with all of these, really - the deadly game of monopoly is interesting, but what's that mean? Who's the protagonist? I can't even tell if this is a horror film or a thriller.

etc, etc.

A good logline gives me a good sense of the story. These are good starts ... but need more.

[inglourious basterd]

Originally posted by Ronaldinho
Almost all of these have the same problem:

Too little information.

I know you've only got 25 words.That's what makes this hard.
A good logline gives me a good sense of the story. These are good starts ... but need more.

Generally, how long are loglines? Is 25 words accurate? Or is that too short?

[iheartfilms86]

I think my logline might turn into my very first movie script. I've written like 1 script before..but it was for a television show. I'm working on a script right now for my friend's tv show. It's not an actual tv show though, lol. We just write scripts as a hobby.

[Maestro]

OK, in an attempt to be a bit more constructive, XvX posted some good links in The forum archives suggestion thread! Notably, David A's blog entry on loglines.

The rest of the thread is worth checking out, too, if you haven't already - M

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by psudoazn
Generally, how long are loglines? Is 25 words accurate? Or is that too short?

25 words or less is right, I think he ust meant its hard for a reason, to do a good one in that time.

[Ronaldinho]

Originally posted by psudoazn
Generally, how long are loglines? Is 25 words accurate? Or is that too short?

I think trying to get it in 25 words is a good exercise.

But the point of the exercise is twofold: brevity, AND information. It's the combination that's important. either one alone is easy.

[Nima]

Originally posted by Ronaldinho
I think trying to get it in 25 words is a good exercise.

But the point of the exercise is twofold: brevity, AND information. It's the combination that's important. either one alone is easy.

Why don't you contribute a logline?

[Joe Sun]

ok I put what appears to be an obvious protagonist in this one

A Mafia Don attempts to go legit under the scrutiny and disbelief of the FBI.

a few more:

A battered wife kills her abusive husband, only to find her herself in a violent stuggle against his vengeful family.

A paralyzed fire fighter seeks to regain his ability to walk, at the horrific price of the unconventional doctor he sought for help.

[inglourious basterd]

Originally posted by Joe Sun


A paralyzed fire fighter seeks to regain his ability to walk, at the horrific price of the unconventional doctor he sought for help.

I'm wondering what the story is for this. I can't clearly judge what it is. By "price", are you thinking money?

I just don't really know what you can do with this -- how would you be able to justify this person spending loads to an "unconventional" doctor? I don't know whether anyone would feel like they could do much with this logline. Mainly because it would be unclear what this doctor could really do for the firefighter (assuming that you want the story to be believable).

I have a huge, huge bias about this type of subject matter, though, because rehabilitation is what I do for a living.

A battered wife kills her abusive husband, only to find her herself in a violent stuggle against his vengeful family.

This has a much clearer direction. You could elicit great drama from this idea.

[Nima]

A logline came to me in the shower this morning.....

When his dog is kidnapped by Brazilian dog poachers, 9-yr old Timmy must cross town on his own to beat the poachers to the airport.


It's 25 words if "9-yr" counts as one word. If it doesn't then you drop off the "dog" from "dog poachers".

[adamjohnson]

How bout this:

"After searching for his missing girlfriend in their apt. complex, Steve wakes to find himself captive alongside her at the mercy of the captors' torture, with help only a scream away. "

Not under 25 though, and I still couldn't work in how the kidnappers watched them via webcam while they went to the office, played with the neighbors, etc.

(NOTE: this concept also applies to my recent 'smaller' fixation.

[XvoorheesX]

"When a famous ladies man learns that his best friend has gotten engaged, he holds a city-wide competition to find a new wingman"

I actually came up with this for the screenwritinglife.com logline competition, and after getting some e-mails about it, I've decided to actually start working on it. I'll try try to come up with a couple more just for this thread.

[Nima]

Originally posted by XvoorheesX
"When a famous ladies man learns that his best friend has gotten engaged, he holds a city-wide competition to find a new wingman"

I think that's a great idea for a movie.

[Nima]

Originally posted by adamjohnson
How bout this:

"After searching for his missing girlfriend in their apt. complex, Steve wakes to find himself captive alongside her at the mercy of the captors' torture, with help only a scream away. "

Not under 25 though, and I still couldn't work in how the kidnappers watched them via webcam while they went to the office, played with the neighbors, etc.

(NOTE: this concept also applies to my recent 'smaller' fixation.

I don't get it. Is half the movie Steve searching the apartment complex? I also don't get what "help only a scream away" means.

[inglourious basterd]

Great example Voorhees =)

[Joe Sun]

Originally posted by psudoazn
I'm wondering what the story is for this. I can't clearly judge what it is. By "price", are you thinking money?

I just don't really know what you can do with this -- how would you be able to justify this person spending loads to an "unconventional" doctor? I don't know whether anyone would feel like they could do much with this logline. Mainly because it would be unclear what this doctor could really do for the firefighter (assuming that you want the story to be believable).

I have a huge, huge bias about this type of subject matter, though, because rehabilitation is what I do for a living.



This has a much clearer direction. You could elicit great drama from this idea.

I figured by horrific price we would assume it wasnt monetary. If you could think of an unconventional doctor as the equivilant of a mad scientist or Dr. Frankenstein, we could assume a "horrific" price could be the result of experimental medical treatment that even the most prescription happy doctor would look down on. Eventually the treatment would back fire to horrifying results. I guess I could of used a diffrent word then price, but it was a spur of the momment log line, nothing that I really thought of.

any way heres another I posted earlier:

A man regains his ability to see and hear, only to realize the world is not how he last seen it.

I think thats a good concept, but I gotta admit, I failed to deliver how I would want that story to go with the log line, even though log line's shouldnt give out too much. Im gonna rewrite that one.

[ilovemovies]

An amnesiac learns he's part of a government project to rid the world of vampires but finds himself the target of both sides.



How is that?

It's actually a logline for a screenplay I'm currently working on.

[Tuukka]

Originally posted by XvoorheesX
"When a famous ladies man learns that his best friend has gotten engaged, he holds a city-wide competition to find a new wingman"

I actually came up with this for the screenwritinglife.com logline competition, and after getting some e-mails about it, I've decided to actually start working on it. I'll try try to come up with a couple more just for this thread.

Pretty good, has comedic potential.

The concept of wingman competition is interesting.

But the big problem I see is that a ladies man who knows his stuff doesn't need a wingman. At least not in real life, and I think that a concept like this can really work only if rings true to real world. All the men I have known in my life who are REALLY good with women can pick them anywhere, anytime, in any circumstances. In fact that's exactly what they do: Hitting on women is a second nature to them, and they do it 24/7.

If he needs a wingman, he sounds more like a wannabe ladiesman.

[Tuukka]

Originally posted by Joe Sun
A battered wife kills her abusive husband, only to find her herself in a violent stuggle against his vengeful family.

I like this. The other two were kinda vague and there wasn't a strong, clear cut conflict.

I think you could expand this a bit by giving the family some context: Are they from mafia? A religious cult? Small time criminals? Etc... By giving them more definition than just being a "family" you could give it a stronger, more definitive hook.

[Tuukka]

Originally posted by ilovemovies
An amnesiac learns he's part of a government project to rid the world of vampires but finds himself the target of both sides.

The problem with the concept is that amnesia doesn't seem to be relevant to the plot. If it is relevant, you have to adress the relevancy in the logline.

[Joe Sun]

Originally posted by Tuukka
I like this. The other two were kinda vague and there wasn't a strong, clear cut conflict.

I think you could expand this a bit by giving the family some context: Are they from mafia? A religious cult? Small time criminals? Etc... By giving them more definition than just being a "family" you could give it a stronger, more definitive hook.

yeah I was gonna either make it a mob family or some type of family with demonic influences, but I kind of wanted to leave it open for whatever since the story would be built around the log line, rather then the other way around. I guess it could of worked by being more definite too though.

[Tuukka]

Originally posted by Nima
A logline came to me in the shower this morning.....

When his dog is kidnapped by Brazilian dog poachers, 9-yr old Timmy must cross town on his own to beat the poachers to the airport.


It's 25 words if "9-yr" counts as one word. If it doesn't then you drop off the "dog" from "dog poachers".

This has potential, but doesn't yet work.

If the poachers are bothering with expensive airplane travel, the dog has to be really rare and expensive. Probably an award-winning dog. I think you have to expand this a bit: It doesn't seem believable that a standard dog would be worth that big of a hassle. Also, why is is important that the poachers are Brazilian? Who would come all the way from Brazilia to steal a dog? It seems unlikely. You are probably trying to raise the stakes by giving an impression, that the dog is leaving USA. I don't think this is necessary, as a stolen dog is easy to hide from authority - The police won't bother much to search it anyway.

Also, the concept doesn't promise enough conlict, because the assumption is that Timmy is gonna spend the entire 2nd act travelling from point A to point B, with no real obstacles to overcome. He just needs to take a bus. Which is too easy, and not very interesting. You also absolutely need to give some clue on why no adult helps Timmy.

There are some things I really like about this:

1. Timmy's is just a helpless little kid.

2. His best friend, a dog, is kidnapped.

3. Timmy can't (for some reason) get immediate help from adults, so he has to save the dog on his own.

4. Timmy has to enter the dangerous adult world on his own, and travel to places where he has been never before, in order to save his dog.

..Now, I don't know if you were thinking it along those lines, but I saw the point of the story like that. I find all those story elements really interesting, but they don't come off with enough clarity in your logline.

BTW, When I first read this, I actually for a moment thought that Timmy is a brazilian street kid, which gives a good reason why adults aren't helping him: He is and orphan, and police doesn't give a shit about him. So his search for the dog is an enourmous obstacle, because he doesn't even have money for a bus ticket. But why would a kid like that have an expensive dog? After re-reading the logline, I realized I had mistunderstood it.

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by Nima
I don't get it. Is half the movie Steve searching the apartment complex? I also don't get what "help only a scream away" means.

I'd say about five minutes is spent on knocking doors - not exactly half the movie. And since they're in such a densely populated area, being held captive, people could hear them.

The suspensewould be CRAZY.

[Nima]

Originally posted by Tuukka
..Now, I don't know if you were thinking it along those lines, but I saw the point of the story like that. I find all those story elements really interesting, but they don't come off with enough clarity in your logline.

Yes, that's exactly what I was going for, and with all due respect I think that's all pretty clearly implied in the logline. The 2nd act would be him traveling across town, and that's obviously going to be more than a bus ride.

I do agree that it would be better to add why he has to go it alone, but the main problem is that there is a 25 word limit. So with 25 words I don't see how I could possibly include all the information you suggest should be there.

If you can do it in 25 words, could you please show me what that logline would look like?

[Nima]

Originally posted by adamjohnson
I'd say about five minutes is spent on knocking doors - not exactly half the movie. And since they're in such a densely populated area, being held captive, people could hear them.

The suspensewould be CRAZY.

Then it's not important that's he's searching the apartment complex for his wife, it's just that he's held captive at an apartment complex. A densely populated apartment complex, at that.

I think then you could just start out with "A man wakes up..." and mention that he's in an apartment complex and then also what's keeping him from getting help. Is he gagged the whole movie? Are the walls soundproof? Like that. That seems important.

But I'm still a little confused. Is the idea that he just has to figure out how to make enough noise for someone to realize he's there? Would that be the ending?

[Nima]

Originally posted by ilovemovies
An amnesiac learns he's part of a government project to rid the world of vampires but finds himself the target of both sides.



How is that?

It's actually a logline for a screenplay I'm currently working on.

I think this is good for 25 words. I also think it would be better to go up to 30 words or so and include how the amnesia ties into his eventual targeting by both sides.

I think this is why stupid word limits are, in fact, quite stupid.

[Tuukka]

Originally posted by Nima
Yes, that's exactly what I was going for, and with all due respect I think that's all pretty clearly implied in the logline. The 2nd act would be him traveling across town, and that's obviously going to be more than a bus ride.

I do agree that it would be better to add why he has to go it alone, but the main problem is that there is a 25 word limit. So with 25 words I don't see how I could possibly include all the information you suggest should be there.

If you can do it in 25 words, could you please show me what that logline would look like?

Well, I think you are using giving some unnecessary info in the logline, like the nationality of the kidnappesr. Also the sentence structure could be more compact.

But the biggest problem IMHO is that the conflict isn't strong enough. A 9-year old kid traveling over a town to the airport doesn't sound exciting, because any kid of that age is capable of doing it without breaking a sweat. A solution to this might be to change the location into a more sinister one.

Suggestions:

1. When 8-year old Timmy's dog is kidnapped, he must chase the poachers over a nightly metropolis before his dog is lost forever.

(The city is dangerous because it's a nightly metropolis, and he is CHASING the bad guys, which means he doesn't have time to go to daddy for help. "Chasing" is also an active, exciting verb: it promises constant suspense and action)

2. When a small boy's dog is kidnapped, he must enter the dangerous underworld of dog poachers to get it back.

(This is more vague, but the assumption is that the cops didn't find the dog, so timmy has to do it himself. This is a different story - More of a detective one - but in terms of the four main ingredients it's the same)

3.An orphan slum kid has to save his kidnapped dog from rich, evil dog poachers.

(The assumption is that cops would believe rich folks instead of some slum kid. This feels like a more realistic, tragic movie)

[adamjohnson]

Originally posted by Nima
Then it's not important that's he's searching the apartment complex for his wife, it's just that he's held captive at an apartment complex. A densely populated apartment complex, at that.

I think then you could just start out with "A man wakes up..." and mention that he's in an apartment complex and then also what's keeping him from getting help. Is he gagged the whole movie? Are the walls soundproof? Like that. That seems important.

But I'm still a little confused. Is the idea that he just has to figure out how to make enough noise for someone to realize he's there? Would that be the ending?

Not exactly. He believes that to be something is preventing that from being so: soundproofing, or vocal cords cut. So, he's trying to make noise, but cant make a noise anyone really cares about - especially given the 'woman' is still in the apt. watching them, and the 'man' is at the office, being an all-around nice guy, watching them on the webcam.

So, he has to get untied, untie his GF, and then get out somehow - but it's built to prevent this.

From the moment they try their escape, the 'man' sees it and races home. Just when they've taken care of 'the woman' they encounter the 'man' and he either recaptures them or tries to kill them.

The thing essentially takes place in real time.

Not the best logline - but how does the script itself sound?

[XvoorheesX]

I do agree that it would be better to add why he has to go it alone, but the main problem is that there is a 25 word limit. So with 25 words I don't see how I could possibly include all the information you suggest should be there.

Nobody said it was easy.

I think this is why stupid word limits are, in fact, quite stupid.

I don't think anybody here really cares a lot about whether it's 25 or 30 words, Psu just used that because it was a rule for the on the lot competition. If you can write a better logline with a couple extra words, you should. It's just that this is a good way to promote efficiency.

[XvoorheesX]

3. An orphan slum kid has to save his kidnapped dog from rich, evil dog poachers.

Another thing about this, is that a normal eight year-old would have other people, friends, siblings, parents around. For a homeless orphan, a stray dog may very well be his only companion.

I always thought Short Round needed his own spin-off. This is the movie Spielberg and Lucas should be making.