Short CRIME STORY SCRIPT. Please Critique!

[evilmonkey]

So, here's a short untitled script I just wrote fairly quickly and I thought I'd post it on here and see what you guys thought. Feel free to be harsh if necessary. I like the story, but I don't know if other people will, so let me know. The only thing I'm not concerned about is formatting. Also, I will be directing this, so any suggestions about that would be welcome too! Thanks!


Fade IN: EXT. Gas station Parking lot - Night
A small gas station sits in the middle of nowhere. It looks rather old and there are only a few cars parked near it. A new-looking black car pulls into the dusty parking lot and stops.

cut to:

INT. BLACK CAR
JASON, a man in his mid-20's, sits alone in the car. Not much of the interior of the car can be seen. Jason's sweaty hands are still on the steering wheel and he grips it tighter and tighter as he stares at the gas station.

He pulls a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket. He begins writing: "Quietly empty the register or I'll start shooting." He looks nervously at the note and then folds it up and puts it back in his pocket.

He opens the glove box and takes out a small handgun. He puts it in the back of his pants and then makes sure his jacket is covering it. He takes one more deep breath before getting out and walking to the building.

cut to:

INT. GAS STATION
The gas station looks old, but fairly clean. There are a few aisles of various food and other typical items. A bored-looking EMPLOYEE is behind the counter reading a newspaper. He is an older, slightly overweight man.

Jason enters and looks around suspiciously as he walks down the first aisle of candy bars. He pretends to be looking for something as he surveys the room. He also notices an ELDERLY WOMAN walking down the aisle across from him. Jason checks his watch, nervously impatient.

The Elderly Woman picks up a few things from the shelf and walks towards the register. He watches impatiently as she pays and walks out of the store. Jason starts to slowly walk towards the register. Just as he gets close, a TEENAGE GUY and TEENAGE GIRL walk in. Jason quickly turns and pretends to be looking at something on another shelf. He looks at his watch again as the teenage couple browse through the alcohol section.

A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN enters the store. Jason looks more and more nervous, continuing to discretely check his pants and make sure the gun is still there. The Middle-Aged Woman also walks toward the back of the store as Jason watches. The three customers now all have their backs turned as Jason begins to walk towards the front of the store. He takes a few steps forward, but stops as a masked GUNMAN rushes inside, waving a shotgun.

GUNMAN
(shouting)
Everybody down! Right now!

Everyone looks up at him and follows the orders. Jason takes a few steps towards the back of the store before getting down. As the Employee begins to duck down, the Gunman aims at him.

GUNMAN
No, not you! Open the register!

EMPLOYEE
(scared but calm)
Sir, we don't keep much cash in the register.

The Gunman smacks the Employee in the face with end of the gun, which sends him falling back into the cigarettes behind him. He clutches his nose in pain.

GUNMAN
I said open the register!

Jason, face down on the floor near the back, watches as the Employee begins to open the register and put the money in a bag. He looks over at the Teenage Guy who is looking around frantically. After a few inaudible sentences between him and his girlfriend, the Teenage Guy slowly begins to reach into the freezer.

GUNMAN (O.S.)
Let's go! Hurry!

The Teenage Guy looks at Jason as he pulls a large glass bottle from the freezer. He quietly begins to crawl towards the front. The Teenage Girl silently tries to pull him back but he keeps moving. He looks at Jason again briefly. Jason shakes his head disapprovingly, but the teenager keeps crawling. The Gunman has now turned his back to the rest of the store. The Teenage Guy creeps up behind the Gunman, bottle in hand, and stands up.

Jason and the Teenage Girl both look on helplessly. In one quick motion, the Teenage Guy bashes the Gunman in the side of the head with the bottle, sending glass and blood everywhere. He yells in pain and quickly swings the shotgun toward the teenager. The Teenage Guy desperately grabs the barrel of the gun. The two struggle for a moment and during the scuffle, the Teenage Guy pulls of the Gunman's mask.

Jason watches in confusion as the two fight. He begins to reach for his gun and then changes his mind, continuing to watch the struggle.

Suddenly, the gun fires, sending the kid up against a wall. His stomach is bleeding profusely as he passes out. The Teenage Girl watches in complete shock and begins crying as quietly as she can.

The Gunman takes a surprised look at the possibly-dead teenager before grabbing the ski mask from the ground. He quickly puts the mask back on over his bleeding head and waves the gun at the remaining customers.

GUNMAN
(shouting)
Anybody else wanna try something stupid? Huh?

He walks to the back and sees the Teenage Girl on the floor, crying. He grabs her by the hair and pulls her to her feet.

GUNMAN
Everybody look at her. Look! Remember her. Because if any of you tell the cops or anyone else what I look like, I'll blow her fucking head off. Got that?!

He drags her to the front of the store and points the gun at the Employee again.

GUNMAN
You done?!

The Employee hurriedly finishes stuffing the money into the bag and hands it to the Gunman. The Gunman looks in the bag and then proceeds to walk towards the door, dragging the girl with him. She starts screaming and crying, but doesn't fight him.

EMPLOYEE
(pleading)
Look, sir, you don't need her. No one will say a word about you to anyone, I swear it. She didn't do anything, just leave her. Please.

The Gunman turns and looks at the Employee. They hold a stare for a few seconds.

EMPLOYEE
Please. She's just a kid.

The Gunman suddenly pumps the shotgun and takes a few quick steps closer as he aims it at the Employee. As he brings the gun up, two gunshots are fired. Blood spills from the Gunman's head as he falls to the floor.

ANGLE ON Jason standing in the back of the store, his gun still aimed.

He is in a very professional-appearing stance as he watches the Gunman hit the ground. The other customers stare at him in shock. He lowers his gun and looks at them, somewhat confused. He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a badge, holding it up for everyone to see.

JASON
It's okay. I'm a cop.

He looks at the Teenage Girl who is still sobbing near the door.

JASON
Are you alright?

She nods her head.

JASON
Everyone just...stay calm. I've got a radio in my car, I'll go call for help. Everyone stay right here.

He slowly walks toward the door, making eye contact with the Employee as he passes.

EMPLOYEE
(quietly)
Thanks.

Jason says nothing as he leaves.

Ext. Gas Station Parking Lot - Seconds Later
Jason walks to his car and gets inside.

INT. BLACK CAR - Seconds later
Jason sits in the driver's seat and grips the wheel, trying to calm down after the adrenaline rush he has just experienced. He puts the gun in the glove box and starts the car. Looking upset, he begins to pull out of the lot when he notices the badge on the front seat. He picks it up and takes a look at it. Then, he tosses it into the back of the vehicle where it lands in the floor on the dead body of a police officer, still in uniform.

ANGLE ON police officer's empty gun holster.

EXT. GAS STATION Parking - SECONDS LATER
The black car quickly pulls out of the lot and drives down the empty road into the distance.

FADE OUT.

[evilmonkey]

Many views, no comments. That's probably not a good thing...

[Ronaldinho]

I don't know.

Maybe that's the danger of posting an exhaustive synopsis first. You really didn't do anything here that surprised me, based on your synopsis.

Many of the same notes you got for your synopsis could basically apply to this. The meat of the story was kind of flat. Jason was sitting and watching most of the time, so it didn't really keep my attention.

This is a good example of "middle of the road" screenwriting. There's not a lot wrong with it, but there's nothing that makes me sit up, lean forward, and pay attention, either. It's fairly straightforward, without much in the way of twists and turns, and only does a so-so job making me care.

I wish I could tell you easily how to fix that, but I can't.

[evilmonkey]

Yeah, I realize that the synopsis I posted was a bit lengthy, but at the time I didn't have an actual script. I posted this because I didn't think alot of people would be interested in the synopsis without a script. Anyway, I'll keep working on it. Thanks for the feedback!

[Ronaldinho]

One thing to consider is that the "twist" (that he took the gun and badge from a cop) is pretty underwhelming, because we know up top that he's not a good guy ... he's planning to rob the store.

Also, I find the boyfriend's behavior unbelievable.

I'd encourage you to imagine, for a moment, that you were writing a feature - all of which took place inside the Kwik-E-Mart. Now, I'm not saying actually write it, but spend some time thinking about the kind of twists and turns you'd have to do to keep an audience interested for 100 minutes, just inside the store.

And then try to bring some of that to bear on what happens in the store in the short version.

[evilmonkey]

So, you mean twists and turns that could happen during the robbery?

Also, I was hoping that the twist would be interesting because at the beginning I was trying to convey that Jason didn't seem to want to do this. He was just desperate and doing something stupid. Also, I was hoping that with a note, he would seem a little less likely to be violent. Maybe he was just hoping to do this silently, hurt no one and leave. Then the twist would be more interesting because we find out that, regardless of those things, he had killed a man earlier. I can see how that is alot to expect an audience to just "get" without me writing a little more of an opening. I guess I basically just need to think of some new ways of getting those ideas across.

Basically my whole idea was centering around a bad guy making a good choice to help other people.

I like the idea about trying to think of it as a feature-length script and then cutting it down so it's constantly interesting. Thanks for that idea, I'll definitely give it a shot.

[Nima]

I have to be perfectly honest and say I really didn't like this. It feels very contrived to me, and is really not believable at all, in that nothing really makes sense. Back in school I worked a cafeteria register and the first thing they teach you is that if you're getting robbed you don't put up a fight at all. You just give the person whatever they want as quickly as they want. Having the clerk try to reason with him is totally unbelievable. I also agree with Ronaldinho that the boyfriend's behavior is also unbelievable. Quite frankly, a guy robbing a gas station isn't exactly grounds for heroism.

I think if the goal is to make this about a character choosing to do the right thing there needs to be some emphasis on how that choice is made, and as it is there is none. Jason decides to kill a guy who's going to take a girl hostage, after letting her boyfriend get killed. Why does he decide to do that exactly? There's also an issue for me with the whole badge thing. Other than so he can kill a robber and say "I'm a cop", what is the purpose behind having it? It wouldn't have been useful in robbing the store. Nor do I get why he would use a dead cop's gun rather than one he got somewhere else. Or for that matter how he killed a police officer without a weapon. And this whole thing is on video tape, so the police are going to know that Jason just killed a guy with a cop's gun, and they're going to figure out that the cop is dead, which makes Jason a cop-killer.

[evilmonkey]

Yeah, so aside from the camera comment (the location I had in mind to film this is an old gas station outside of my town which has no cameras), I agree with what's been said about this. Overall, I just didn't really think it through and I can now see that it pretty much sucks. It took basically no time to write it (obviously) so I'll just come up with something else.
I appreciate you guys giving me feedback on it. I come to this site because people here will be honest and not say "Oh it's great," when they don't really think that. Anyway, thanks for the honesty in your comments, it probably saved me from starting a film that would've turned out like crap!

[DaMovieMan]

Dude! Dont forget it, this is the first time i read something on this forum i like so much. As a short it would be perfect i think, all you need to do is change a few minor details mainly the boyfriend's actions in the store. Have, say, the gunman be a psychopath junkie who threatens the boyfriends life for the content of the register and accidentally kill him, what he does with the girlfriend afterwords is perfect as you have it.
In my mind, the reason why he had the cops gun and not his is simple: so that it wont be traced back to him (he's wearing gloves no?). If there are any cameras in the store a camera doesnt have the capacity to zoom in on the gun to see who the owner is (!!) so how can they know its the cops? It doesn't matter how he killed the cop, that's in the past and not in the movie and just as long as we can imagine how it happens it's fine (there are 1000 ways: run over by car, hit unconscious by rock/anything hard and sharp, etc. etc.) that doesn't matter at all.
Just make it seem that Jason really doesn't want to do this robbery in the first place, being nervous is one thing, but having to do something which you don't want to is completely different. That way the twist is all the more powerful in the end (even tho it's copped from Identity, doesn't matter) coz i did predict it like im assuming many others here have as soon as Jason pulled out the badge. On the matter of the badge that's also something you can easily take care of as to why he had it, maybe he can walk in the store and make it obvious for the employer to see that he's a 'cop' so that he doesn't pay attention to him at all afterward, hence take him by surprise all the more easily.
IT would be cool that he somehow takes the robber's bag of money in the end so that he actually robs the store without robbing it but i dont know how you can make that happen.

Anyway, this could make a great short film, not a feature, but a great little short experimental film. If you want my oppinion make those little changes and make it happen. If you dont let me know coz i like this idea so much that i'll use it for my future short with your blessing

DMM

[evilmonkey]

well, I guess there could be a way to make it work but at the time of my last post, I was really into this other script I wrote a while back so while I did say that it sucks (and I stand by that, because this draft does), I do think it could be re-tooled to be better.

I had also thought that maybe we see the badge in the very beginning. Maybe Jason is looking at it and staring at a family picture in the wallet next to the badge after he has just finished writing the note. I thought that could maybe imply to the audience that he's doing this thing because he's really desperate to support his family or something, but then after we see the dead cop at the end, it's obvious that it was the cop's family and Jason was looking at the picture and feeling a different kind of guilt than we thought. I also liked how you mentioned that maybe the dead cop was an accident, I was hoping people might think that based on Jason's heroism, but no one else seemed to so I guess I didn't imply it enough. The truth is that I want the viewer to decide.

I like your idea of the robber being a junkie. He could have some obvious needle bruises on his arms that we see right at the start. Also, maybe, like you mentioned, something could happen in the store (say, the teenage guy accidentally bumps into something and the noise startles the drugged-up robber into accidentally shooting him, then everything conitnues as it does already...) Would that work better?

And, while I understand where Nima is coming from concerning the Employee standing up to the Robber, I still think that's fairly possible. It's not the robbery he's trying to stop, it's the kidnapping. I think some old backwoods-type of guy (which I imagined the cashier as being) would say something about that, even if it was risking his own life. I have heard of people standing up and even fighting back against robberies, even though that's not usually the smartest thing to do. And the camera thing is not an issue becuase there are several gas stations in this area with no cameras at all (they even still have the non-digital gas pumps that don't take credit cards). As for the "why would he have the cop's gun" question, I guess he wouldn't have to. It could be his own gun and I could just not show the cop's empty holster and all that. Or it could be that the cop had a better gun, more bullets, whatever. I didn't concern myself with that kind of stuff (and maybe I should have) because I thought the real story was about what happened in the gas station.

Anyway, now that I'm sort of in the middle of this other project and it's going well, I did read back over this one and I still liked some parts of it (like the basic theme), but it does suck as it stands now. And I honestly didn't even think of the Identity similarity until now, in fact, I was more worried that it might be too much like A History of Violence in some ways. Both of those comparisons came to my mind after I had written it, but I admit there are similarities which I need to work on.

I really hope I'm not coming across as a douchebag because I certainly don't mean to. I definitely appreciate everyone's opinions even if I disagree. I let some other people read it and they've said similar things (godd ideas, unimaginative plot devices), but I would like to give this another shot I guess.

Basically, do and of you guys think with the changes I mentioned (and you suggested) it could still be entertaing? Because that's really what's important to me.

[DaMovieMan]

Yes dude yes!!
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but i really believe in this project.
The dialogue can be a little better, some plot points need to be furnished out and its good to go. As a short its awesome, well done. But wait to hear what the others say, i personally think they were too harsh to begin with, but since its me against the majority then who knows.
Good luck.


DMM

[evilmonkey]

Yeah, the dialogue definitely needs work. It's the first draft so I used the dialogue as more of a general idea than a definite written-in-stone script. I was going to encourage the actors to ad-lib a bit too so it would feel more natural (I have some friends in college who are really good at acting and especially ad-libbing naturally). But anyway, I'm glad to know someone at least thinks it has potential (even if it's got a long way to go...).

[evilmonkey]

I forgot to mention this in the above post, but does it work better with the guy looking at the family picture next to the badge in the very beginning instead of revealing the badge later? That way, the twist isn't so predictable b/c he appears to be a cop from the start? I dunno, I thought the idea of a presumed cop robbing some place might be interesting too, although it would seem weird until the end when it's revealed that he's not a cop.

[DaMovieMan]

Originally posted by evilmonkey
I forgot to mention this in the above post, but does it work better with the guy looking at the family picture next to the badge in the very beginning instead of revealing the badge later? That way, the twist isn't so predictable b/c he appears to be a cop from the start? I dunno, I thought the idea of a presumed cop robbing some place might be interesting too, although it would seem weird until the end when it's revealed that he's not a cop.

I wouldnt do that. Don't try to shove it in people's faces that this guy is a cop. Personally, i'd go for the more subtle approach and have him just put the badge on his belt, walk in the store and make eye contact with the employee who will immediately notice the badge. Up to this point the audience is thinking all's good. Forget the sign where he writes 'this is a stick-up' coz it isn't very realistic, and maybe have him go to the back of the store while looking at all the people in the store and calculating his chances, when he's in the back he takes out his gun and hiding it he starts to walk toward the register and just as he starts to reveal the gun, the gunman walks in and completely surprises him...the rest is all there. That's how i would do it anyway, the audience would be in total confusion pretty much from the start, if this guy's a cop why no cop car? why did he look like he's about to rob the store? etc.

DMM