Few Pages of a Script I Found in My Old Documents

[Bourne101]

I was looking through some old computer documents the other day and came across a few pages of a script I started about 6 months ago. I never continued as I forgot about it, but just for shits and giggles what do ya think and should I start this up again?

It's basically about a day in a regular school, with all the dialouge and thoughts that little PG-13 high school movies do not show.

Untitled

INT. CAFETERIA – DAY
Four teenage boys, Ron, Todd, Peter and Adam sit at a table in a cafeteria with hundreds of kids all sitting at different tables.

Ron (V.O)
I sit here at this table thinking about the next stupid fucking class that I have to attend. To my right is Todd. Todd is a pretty regular guy. Doesn’t talk too much or too little. He doesn’t say stupid shit all fucking day and annoy the living fuck out of me. Todd’s just a pretty good dude that I don’t mind hanging out with. Then we have Peter, on a diagonal to myself. Peter is pretty laid back, doesn’t say too much, but when he does speak he’s pretty fucking hilarious. Again, another good guy to hang around with. Then we have Adam. Now Adam is the dumbest, most annoying piece of fucking shit on this planet. If Adam got killed, I wouldn’t fucking care. The only reason he hangs out with us is because he plays Hockey with us. He never shuts his fucking mouth, is always making stupid, pointless comments and he doesn’t even realize that anyone fucking hates him. If he got in a fight, I wouldn’t stand up for him, with the exception of Emo’s and the G-Unit crew. Myself, Todd and Peter are pretty regular, cool guys, and Adam is just a load of shit that thinks he’s God’s greatest gift to earth... and did I mention that he fucking sucks at hockey! Which is the only reason that cameltoe face is at our school.

Adam
So what class do you have next Ron.

Ron
Chemistry

Adam
Nice! That means you can let me know what’s on the test and give me some answers for when I have it during last period.

Ron (silently)
Yeah

Ron (V.O.)
My ass I’m going to give him the answers. I’d rather eat those greasy cafeteria ladies out than tell that dumb fuck Adam what the answers are. I’ll just casually tell him that I forgot what the questions are, maybe give him a few wrong answers and that will be that.

Todd
Hey Peter, that faggot George William says he wants to fight you.

Peter
Yeah, whatever.

Todd
Whatever, well are you going to fight him or not?

Peter
Well for one, I don’t know if he actually wants to fight me, and secondly, I really am not up for getting suspended.

Todd
Just let him throw the first punch, say it was self-defence.

Peter
That’s bullshit, even if I say that, that tard Principal Jenks will give me some kind of punishment.

Todd
Well, it would be worth it because George is a fucking dick and needs to be put in his place.

Peter
Yeah, it would be nice to kick his ass. We’ll see.

Adam
Yeah right, he would kick your ass.

Ron
I don’t think so.

Adam
Yeah he would. Peter’s not exactly a fighter.

Ron
And how do you know that, have you ever seen him fight?

Adam
Well no, but...

Ron
All I know is, last year at prom party, Peter fucking one punched the shit out of Sean Baxter, who beat the shit out of George Williams.

Adam
I’d say the chances are slim.

Peter
Shut the fuck up, I’d like to see you in fight Adam you big puss.

Adam
I bet you one-hundred bucks you don’t win in a fight against George.

Peter
Alright then.

They both shake hands.

Ron
So you’re going to fight him?

Peter
It’s worth a hundred bucks and bragging rights on Adam’s faggot ass.

Ron (V.O)
Oh Peter, getting himself into trouble again. I mentioned he was a quiet dude, but didn’t mention he got himself into a lot of trouble. Well, at least I’ll see a good fight and one-hundred dollars out of Adam’s wallet.

The Recess bell rings and the boys head to class.

Ron (V.O)
Well, off to the old chemistry class. Apparently my chem teacher Ms. Reagen got boned in the ass by my math teacher Mr. Fitz yesterday in the staff bathroom, so it should make for some good innuendos while we learn about some fucked up molecular compounds or whatever the fuck they are called.

INT. CHEMISTRY ROOM - DAY

[Bcoopa]

I don't pretend to be an expert or anything but there are some rather large things you need to address in order to start this script again. One thing I noticed right off the bat was you use the voice over tactic a lot, which is a crutch I used to have. It can work sometimes, but try to lean a way from it, and instead show and let the story unfold unto itself rather than try to tell us with some talking head. I appreciate how you attempted to recreate realistic dialogue, but to me it just made the main character seem like some guy who had a chip on his shoulder. Which could be okay, but we don't really know anything about this main character accept that he plays hockey, goes to school, and really hates this guys fucking guts. The script as well is also obviously very dialogue heavy, however that doesn't mean that you can try to visually express the body language of the characters to help the narrative. Also some finer descriptives of the locale could help the reader get more into the story. Other than that I can't say much about this since you also haven't had a ton of time to develop character and plotline. In conclusion, feel free to try and start this up again, just put some more thought into it before hand. I suggest watching Clerks, since that seems a good example of the realistic dialogue you might be shooting for, but try your best not to rely on cursing alone to display your point, there's got to be something else there. Good Luck!